The back stretch

Well my temp was up this morning! Believe me when I say I don't obsess over temping, but when things do what they're supposed to, it makes my day.

That means my peak day was day 16. Other good news - seven days of mucus this time, rather than the twelve I had last month, which was a bit excessive.

So now I'm once again in the two-week wait. I was going to list a bunch of hopes for my cycle (lasts 14 days, no spotting, high temp) but I'm not going to (well, technically, I just did). I'm leaving it in God's hands. He knows I want a pregnancy at some point, and I trust that everything is now working towards that. I'm not going to stress over the small things along the way. Or at least try not to.

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Monday was our second home study meeting. It went well. We were asked tons of questions about each of our families, our relationships with them, our childhood, how we were disciplined, what makes us happy, sad, how we dealt with a death of someone close to us, etc., etc.

We turned in most of our paperwork. Still left to do - the birthmother letter, a description of our daily/weekly schedules, three pictures of us, some DMV form we haven't done yet, and our physicals. Mine isn't until Dec. 29, so that kind of slows things down. And Ryan hasn't even scheduled his yet (speaking of which, if you are reading this, please call!).

Our next and final meeting is Dec. 8, and this one is at our home. The cleaning is weighing on me like a ton of bricks.

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I also just wanted to say something I've been thinking a lot about lately. I recently have heard from a lot of you who are dealing with very abnormal cycles. Many of you only have a few cycles a year, bleed for months at a time, or just the opposite. I worry that when you read my blog, about my so-called problems, things that seem silly in comparison (like mucus only once a day, my temp not rising right away, or a 12-day luteal phase) it may make you feel bad. I truly hope this is not the case, and I am going to do my best in the future to be more sensitive.

And let's also remember that you could easily get pregnant before me! We all know that there is no rhyme or reason to any of this, other than that God is in charge.

So anyways, I just want you to know that I'll keep praying for all of you every day. I hope that you all find a diagnosis, a treatment plan and, most importantly, health!

Fun with chart pictures!

I've been a little bit down the past twelve hours or so. Not really bad, just feeling a little bit sorry for myself. So I am posting photographs of my charts so you can all tell me how great my recent cycle looks and cheer me up. Just kidding...be honest.

Here's my most recent chart:

Obviously, my last cycle is the fourth one. Other than possibly a few too many mucus days (white stickers) it looks pretty good. Now compare it to previous cycles (you can click on it to make it bigger and easier to read). Even the cycle right before it was a lot worse, and the first one on this chart was pretty weird. My doctor thought these were still good, though, and a clear indication that my hormones were correcting themselves and getting on the right track.

Now look at my chart from the first part of this year:


All these cycles are post surgery, and the first three are before I started seeing my new doctor. Here's where it gets interesting (really? you're wondering). I started my diet at the beginning of the fourth cycle - and there is a CLEAR difference starting with that one, right? And I started the metformin during the last cycle on this chart. So the positive changes stared happening with diet alone! (Although I love you too, metformin, and if I get pregnant soon I will name my first-born after you.*)

So if any of you have any insight, I'd love to hear it. I just hope I am not reading too much into my lack of spotting this cycle and what seems, to me at least, to appear "normal." 

Last night when I was starting to get down, I tried to imagine what my doctor would say if I showed him my recent cycle right now. If I asked him, hesitantly, "do you think that looks good?" I KNOW he would say "Are you kidding? Of course! That looks awesome!" (He gets really pumped up by things like this). So that helped to get rid of my doubt (weird, I know, but whatever works).

I should hear about my progesterone test from last week any day now, so I will update if I find out today. Oh, and Sophie is getting groomed right now, so I will post a picture of her being all bootiful later as well. 

*Please don't hold me to this. I didn't exactly run it by the mister.

Low temp

So my temp was low when I woke up this morning - 97.8. It had been 98.3 since I ovulated.

Now, I should first point out that last month I wrote something about how I like to take my temp because then I get a warning about when my cycle is ending. Well, after I wrote it, I looked through my charts and discovered that it has actually NEVER been a warning sign. My temp has lowered the morning after a new cycle begins as far back as I could go.

So then that begs the question, what is happening?

It's only nine days past ovulation, so that would be really bad news if I get it today. My luteal phases are usually an okay length (eleven days), so this would be a little set back. It's cycle day 27, so the actual cycle wouldn't be a bad length, but that doesn't matter if the luteal phase is too short.

But I don't feel at all like I'm getting my period today. I did have a sensation in my legs on Tuesday, which I typically get every month in the week leading up to it, but I was also dehydrated and sick that day, and I also haven't felt it since. You know how you usually have some sort of feeling it's coming? Well, I have none whatsoever. The only thing I'm experiencing is I still have slight nausea on and off (the last time was last night) and my stomach is gurgly today. Another symptom I sometimes get at the end is that I feel full all day, but so far I've been hungry.

I'm also not spotting at all, which is good no matter what ends up happening.

One thing I do think might be starting, though, is a cold. My nose has been stuffy, one of my ears feels full and today my jaw is sore. Maybe a sore throat's coming on? I don't know what's up with me this week! I would have thought my healthy diet would have built up on immune system, not the other way around!

I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining. None of this bothers me, not even the low temp this morning. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. I'm okay with it right now. I'm sure I'll be sad once it's here, but we'll go out to eat and I'll get over it. Maybe I can even get some sympathy purchases out of it, like some clothes. Honey, are you reading this?

By the way, we rescheduled our homestudy visit today and it's not until Nov. 17. That's a long time from now, but I'm okay with it because it's in God's hands. I've said from the beginning that I will let God control the timeline of this adoption because I only want the baby that he wants us to have. The other part of me, though, thinks the social worker has it in her head that we can only meet on Mondays and Tuesdays (my husband's days off) and so she gave us the first Monday she had available. If that's the case, I'm wondering if I should call back and tell her we can do any morning (since he works nights), but then I go back to the thought that I'm not really motivated to make this go faster than it is. I think I'm going to leave it as is. That also gives us more time before we have to pay the next $450 installment!

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One more thing - check out who my husband interviewed last night...


It's John McCain's 96-year-old mother Roberta! Ryan doesn't usually get pictures taken with well-known people he interviews because it's considered unprofessional, but another reporter made him get in this picture (I cropped him out), and I'm so glad he did! She doesn't look a day over 80, right? And I guess she has a jam-packed campaign schedule here in the last few days. This was at like 8 o'clock last night!

By the way, speaking of my husband, check out this entry on his news blog. It's unbelievable!

Getting better...slowly *updated*

I felt a lot better today, but tonight, well, not so much.

When your mom lives eight hours away you have to take matters into your own hands, so this afternoon I made chicken noodle soup from scratch. I think this might have been my down fall.

Not wanting to go off my diet again today (I switched from regular ginger ale to coke zero), I decided to make my own soup rather than eat the canned stuff. That way the noodles would be G.I.-approved and I could control the other ingredients as well. Except for obviously feeling pretty weak, I felt nearly back to normal this morning and afternoon - I was fine getting my blood drawn, I was fine at the store, and I was fine making the soup...at first. Then, this evening as I was cutting up the chicken, I started to feel sick again. So I finished everything and got back in bed. I really hope I don't throw up, but I don't think I will. It's definitely not that bad.

In other news, I'm betting that I will start a new cycle on Sunday, if anyone would like to take that bet. Sunday will be eleven days past my peak day and that seems to be the length of my luteal phases lately. And yesterday, amidst throwing up, I got the sensation I get in my legs each and every single month that means the end is near. The legs never lie. My body doesn't do too much on a regular basis, but that sign is the one thing I can count on. I haven't felt it yet today, but we'll see. I guess it is possible that it had something to do with me being sick, weak and dehydrated, but I always try to make excuses for what else the leg sensation could be, and it's always the same old thing.

That's fine if that's the case. I'm really okay with it and, surprisingly, I'm not embarrassed that I told you I was hopeful this month. It hurts every single month, whether I hope or not, so why not try to at least be somewhat positive? And I know it's not here yet, but it really feels like God is guarding my heart this cycle. Perhaps that has something to do with being hopeful? I'm not sure. Tonight I was reading bible verses on this topic, and I was reminded that we should have hope in HIM, not that our request will be granted. Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to make our lives here on earth more comfortable, that we never think in terms of the bigger picture - that God has saved a place for us in eternity! That is where our true hope should lie.

Well, I'm going to turn off the computer and turn on the t.v., maybe even try to fall asleep. I will offer up my discomfort for all of you and all those who I have promised prayers to. I'm also going to try to focus on the blessings in my life. For now, I've got homemade chicken noodle soup on the stove, my husband's at his RCIA class and I'm relaxing in bed. Things could be a lot worse.

Update: I'm really happy with the way my chicken noodle soup with (whole wheat) dumplings came out, and I believe my husband's exact words were "this is the most incredible thing I've ever tasted!" It was really good and that's a good thing, because I think we have enough left over to feed us for the next four days!

I'm not feeling so hot right now, though, so I'm really going to try to sleep this time (after the last time I wrote that, I proceeded to make dumplings for the soup, eat, watch t.v., have a friend come over, etc., etc. No wonder I'm not feeling well right now!).

Miscellaneous update

I went from having a ton of information to share the last couple days, to being kind of boring. I've been trying to process everything from the appointment, yet at times I'm trying more to not process it and just be happy. I had blood drawn on Tuesday and, of course, I am starting to get a little nervous that the results will come back that my hormones haven't improved. I'm just trying to prepare myself for that. I'll probably dedicate a whole post to it in the coming days.

In the meantime, I am excited to watch the progress in my cycle. Instead of putting all of my energy into hoping for a positive pregnancy test, I am looking forward to getting excited over things going right in general. Small goals. For instance, hopefully seeing less spotting over the next few days (I'm currently on day five) and possibly heading right into either dry days or mucus, and looking for good mucus with a clear peak, as well as less spotting at the end. These will all be great signs that I'm getting healthy.

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In other news, I've been dealing with an addiction to strawberries. They are my crack (I think I've been watching too much Intervention on A&E). For a while I was going through a box a day, but now I'm trying to spread one over two days. It's an expensive habit, but there could be worse (and more expensive) things to be addicted to. Like real crack. I realized that it had reached a new level last night as I was driving home from the store at 9:45 with a fresh box. We had just gone out to dinner (my belated cycle-day-one "celebration"), and then we were home, exhausted, full and just wanting to relax. Then I remembered we had no strawberries. Well, sitting home without any strawberries in the kitchen is not an option for me lately; I was getting shaky at the idea of it. So I went to the store. And I must have really needed them, because I am l-a-z-y, lazy. They were soooo delicious, and they are now gone.

Speaking of my dinner out, it was very yummy. Chicken fingers and a salad. I almost can't wait until next month!

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Has anyone seen the new Volks.wagen commercials? From the perspective of an infertile woman, they're kind of annoying. They're tongue and cheek, all about how couples are popping out tons of babies just as an excuse to buy some family car. I suppose this might be funny to someone who can get pregnant, but to me it's just a reminder that it's a breeze for "normal" people. Oh well. I also find it interesting that they feature Broo.ke Shiel.ds, someone who dealt with infertilty herself.

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Before I go, I just wanted to ask you to please pray for "K," a young woman who is scheduled to have an abortion tomorrow. She talked on the phone with one of our 40 Days volunteers a couple times and it seemed promising, but then she failed to meet up with her today at the pregnancy resource center like they had planned. We assume her appointment for tomorrow is still on. Please pray for her and her baby.

Cycle update

Well I haven't really posted anything about my cycle lately. That's probably because I'm trying not to focus on the intricacies of it as much, and I guess it is working! But there's nothing wrong with an update. Here are the facts:

• Today is cycle day 19


• I ended last cycle with three days of spotting, followed by three days of my period, followed by five days of spotting


• I started mucus immediately following the spotting, on cycle day 9


• I had cloudy/lubricative mucus on days 9-11


• I had cloudy/clear/lubricative on day 12


• Clear/lubricative on day 13


• Cloudy/clear/lubricative on day 14


• Clear/lubricative on day 15


• Cloudy/lubricative on day 16


• And then cloudy on day 17 & 18


• All of these mucus days were a 10, or stretchy, which means it stretched an inch or more


• I am taking my temp just for fun, and it was low all cycle (97.7-97.9) until this morning when it raised to 98.2


• So far no mucus today

So that's it. It's still too early to tell if it's going to be really wacky. Definitely all the spotting is a bit strange. And does anyone know what it may mean that my mucus tapers off about two days before my temp rises? Is this normal? I assumed it was because my doctor told me my ovaries are "slow" and my progesterone doesn't kick in until a couple days after my estrogen does what it is supposed to do, but I'm no expert. I sure have a lot of questions to ask my doctor at my October appointment.

Speaking of that, I am not letting this bother me anymore, but that being said.. I do have a desire to understand what exactly is going on. At my last appointment things were explained to me very simplistically, which is fine; there was a lot of information given to us at once and to go any more in depth might have been overwhelming. And there's always the chance that my doctor might have explained what was wrong and I just didn't retain any of the information. That is entirely possible. He also spent a lot of time on the "why's" and kind of glossed over the "what's", meaning I know all about the hormones and how they affect the ovaries, but I know very little about what is actually physically happening in a practical sense. Call me crazy, but I like to picture exactly what is going on in there. The next time I am not leaving his office until I understand. I want to know everything.

For instance, here are some of the questions I have: What does it actually mean that my ovaries are slow (not why, but what actually happens)? If I ovulate and there is an egg released, then where does the break-down occur in the process? Is something wrong with the egg itself, or is the egg okay and the problem is actually with the environment the egg finds itself in?

I'm sure I'll come up with more questions between now and mid-October. I go into confession with a list, so why should a visit to the doctor be any different?!

In other news, our anniversary is now just a few days away! I already got my present; we went to the outlets last night (spur of the moment, too.. isn't my husband great?) and I splurged and got a really nice purse. It's just beautiful. We got a great deal on it, obviously, but it's definitely the nicest bag I've ever owned. For my husband's present, we're considering getting him the iph.one. He never wants anything, yet he's wanted this for a while. The only problem is that we hate living above our means and this might put us over our household budget a bit (although I've offered to have it taken out of our food budget.. less food means more weight loss!). I just really want to do it for him. For years I haven't had my own money to buy him presents for Christmas, birthdays or anniversaries and so we always just end up not doing presents. Yet right now, I actually have made some money and I want to spend it on him! It's not the cost of the phone though, it's the monthly bill that is the problem. So we'll see.

As for the actual day (this Thursday) we're partying it up by getting Chinese take-out. Yes, I'm cheating on my diet a teeny tiny bit. I'm ordering chicken and broccoli. Don't worry (because I know you are), I won't have white rice; I'll just make some brown rice at home to have with it. BUT.. I'm going to get some lo mein. I've been craving it. I never, ever cheat for fear that if I do, I'll open up the flood gates. But I'm confident that if I keep it to major holidays (birthday, anniversary, and maybe Thanksgiving and Christmas), then I'll be fine. And cheating will still be in moderation (my motto is cheat with fat, not the "white" stuff [unless it's lo mein on my anniversary]). My main goal is to keep my mind off the other anniversary that day - you know what one I mean - and Chinese food will achieve this goal.

And the festivities don't end there: Later in the month we'll be taking a trip to NYC for our anniversary as well. We'll stay with my brother-in-law, so it'll be a pretty cheap trip. The main reason we're going is to go to one of the last Mets games at Shea. We can't wait!

Well, that was more than just a cycle update. Sorry. My posts have been kind of like one big run-on sentence lately, so I'll try to improve on that in future posts. Have a great rest of your weekend!

Brief update

I have a lot I need to post about. One story in particular that blew me away last week. I'm too tired to do it now, but I did want to post something in the meantime, so here's a quick update.

• My cycle ended up lasting to day 26. Not great, but better than had it lasted only 23 days, which is what it seemed like it was going to be at one point.




• I had a lot of pain at the end of the last cycle/beginning of this cycle. Not sure why, and whether it is related to pcos or if endometriosis is making a comeback.




• I am now on day 5 of my current cycle.




• We are still excited from last week's premiere and I can't imagine that anything could top that. I am getting an average of one DVD request a day, which is great, and we haven't even begun any marketing outside of the city it was filmed in. We have to order a second run already!




• Two DVDs are now in the hands of a couple who will be sending them on to EWTN and the Vatican (God is so good!). Needless to say we're praying hard!




• Have I mentioned how blessed I am? Not only has God's grace completely enveloped us this last week with the movie, but separately from that, I have an immense amount of peace about infertility. I am SO excited for God's plan for us and I just know that He will take care of us. He is our God and there is no one I would rather follow, even if it seems at times like we are following Him into the darkness. To say that He has our best interest in mind is an understatement. He loves us more than we can imagine, and if we give ourselves completely to Him, we will have peace and joy no matter what happens. And I'm so thankful to God that He has allowed me to come to this realization, despite my whining and complaining for nearly four years!

Have a great Monday everyone!

Weird cycle

I'm so excited I've been tagged by Beth and This Cross I Embrace! I was just beginning to think the blogging community had given up on memes (at least my corner of the blogging world). And that would have been sad because I love them!

I will do them later today, but first I wanted to post what is going on with my VERY WEIRD cycle, even though it's Sunday and no one checks blogs on Sunday.

So this current cycle is reminiscent of my old, screwy cycles. Before my surgeries my cycles were all over the place, but lately (after lowering my prolactin, starting my diet and metformin) it seemed like my cycles were normalizing. For three months in a row I had eight or nine days of mucus followed by twelve dry days.

This cycle was so very, very different. First, I never had any dry days after my period ended; I went right into days of mucus. The mucus lasted for seven days, and was actually pretty normal. Then, on cycle day 16, I had a dry day. CD 17, though, was a mucus day, followed by cd 18 being a dry day. 19 was mucus, 20 was dry. Taking a little departure from the pattern, 21 was dry, 22 was mucus, and 23 was dry (and when I say mucus, all the mucus I saw in the past week was peak-type mucus, although technically they probably would get yellow stickers. Frankly, though, I am so over learning when to use yellow stickers).

So that brings us to today, cd 24. Well, believe it or not, today I am spotting. It's not a total surprise, since I did feel some pms symptoms a few days ago (which I thought was very early and very strange at the time), but early nonetheless. It's eight days past my first peak, and six days past my second peak.

Other odd symptoms of note - I have been super tired lately, even falling asleep during the day two days ago (something I never do) and I'll probably nap today as well. I also felt really nauseous last night (and it's not from the met because I've been fine with that for the last two weeks now).

So, who knows what it is. The thing that could depress me (if not for my recent good outlook of course) is that things had been looking more normal since May. Now, my cycle is just as screwy as it always has been. And this happens the same cycle I raise my dose of met? It's not what I expected at all.

I am really starting to think met isn't going to fix my problems. I think they are too severe. But why did it seem to work at first? I may never know.

I know it is in God's hands, and I'm doing everything I can. I sometimes feel like God is stripping me of all happiness, of all positive developments, so that I may completely rely on Him (or that He gave the the grace of feeling peaceful this cycle because He knew bad news was coming). I will continue to rely on Him, because there is no other option.

Sorry to be all gloom and doom. I guess my cycle could just as easily be back to normal next month (and no, I didn't have any extra stress this month. My husband did have back surgery, but I wouldn't say that caused any more stress than normal). Let's hope. I just pray that my body can respond to the medication and the diet. I pray that this cycle was a fluke, and things will normalize next month.

We're heading up north tonight at 12:30 (a.m., that is) when my husband gets off of work. Please say a prayer for our safe travels if you get a chance!

Strange cycle so far

Well it's day 18 (technically it's cd 19, but I'm writing as if it is still Monday) and this month has been a little funky so far. I went straight from spotting to mucus (no green stickers in between the red and the white for all you Creighton charters). I first saw mucus on day nine and I had a bunch of good mucus days in a row until the day before yesterday, day 16, I had a dry day. I knew something was weird, though, because my temp hadn't risen yet and was still hovering around 97.9. So the following day (Sunday) I had some more good mucus and my temp finally rose, but only to 98.2. Then this morning, my temp was back down to 97.7! I did wake up kind of early, but usually when my temp is up, waking up early may make it drop a bit, but never to pre-peak levels.

So it seems like I might not have ovulated this month, which is odd since I was apparently ovulating before my dose of met was increased. I'm fine with it, though. If it's going to happen, it will happen. I can't control my body, and I am already doing the little I can do (eating right, exercising, taking medication). Plus, I don't know for sure I didn't ovulate and I don't really know for sure I did ovulate the previous months (I'll never totally believe it unless I wind up pregnant or if it's caught on camera. Otherwise, I know from experience that tests can be wrong).

I'm not sure why I have a good attitude despite my cycles seemingly taking a step backwards. I guess I can only attribute it to God's grace. There have been a few periods in the last four years when I was really just waiting, and this is one of them (the four months between my two surgeries was another). Since my mind is truly in waiting mode, it may make possible set-backs like this easier to deal with because I'm focusing on the future, rather than on the next two weeks. I think the main reason I'm okay with it is that I've been there, done that, and I'm tired of living a life of despair. I'd rather just wait, and use this time to ask God to reveal what he has in store for me and my husband. Lately I've really found comfort in going with God's flow. I think if I truly give myself over to his will, that it might be an exciting ride. All I know is the way things currently are going sucks, so why not give God a chance to really be in control? He's got to do a better job than I've been doing at the helm (Jesus, take the wheel...take it from my hands, cause I can't do this on my own..... Sorry! Just a little musical interlude!).

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So I think I'm going to putting some prayer requests at the end of my posts from time to time when I have some (my mom often calls me with them, so some will come from her as well). If you feel so inclined, you can say a quick prayer. If not, that's okay too. Here's my inaugural edition:

Prayer intentions:
For S.D., for healing, comfort and good test results.
For N.S. for healing.
For all those struggling with infertility.

Surgery, dancing, and even a cycle update

Thank you all for your prayers for my husband. We found out today that he does have to have surgery on his back, which he'll have this coming Monday. He has a herniated disc and a fragment broke off and is pinching a nerve. If it was just painful, the surgeon said he might try treating it with physical therapy, but because my husband's leg is showing signs of weakness, it becomes a much more urgent matter.

The surgery is apparently pretty easy, as far as back surgeries go. It should only take like 20-30 minutes and he'll stay in the hospital overnight. He will have to be out of work for two weeks, which he was kind of nervous about at first. God has already taken care of that for us, though, and he'll be able to go on short-term disability without losing all of his vacation days (not having any vacation time for half of the year is tough when your family's eight hours away). We are still a little worried about money and paying for our portion of the surgery expenses. We paid off our credit cards last year and even managed to pay off expenses for both of my surgeries without going into debt, so we hope we'll be able to do the same this time. We don't know exactly how that will happen yet, but we're trusting God (something I'm great at when it doesn't involve my own infertility).

Turning to a completely different topic - did you see tonight's episode of So You Think You Can Dance? You know it's a good episode when I have to save it on my DVR indefinitely (it's right there with the Saturday Night Live episode featuring the Mahmoud Ahmadinejad digital short. Had we not moved last year to a new state and a new cable provider, the 2006 American Idol finale would be there as well). Let me just say, it started out strong when they announced Comfort was back, and it only got better when I found out she was paired with Twitch! Then to top it all off, they got hip-hop! Seems unfair, but it works for me! Okay, so they're hip-hop dance was A-MAZING! Or "buck" as Lil C likes to say. It's my favorite hip-hop routine this season, if ever. And then Will and Katee's second routine - I'm speechless!

Okay, sorry if you don't watch the show but I provided links to get you all caught up. Do yourself a favor. And while you're at it, watch this one too.

On the infertility front (do I have to? yes, this is an infertility blog).. I had some spotting last night (Tuesday) but none so far today (1:45 a.m. is still Wed. to me, so you'll just have to keep up with the day references). My temp dropped this morning to 98.2, so this cycle will probably come to an end in the next two days. It's weird that I can predict that now! Definitely not something I am use to.

Okay, time to go to bed.

*Update: So I just saw something very out of the ordinary for me - peak-type mucus (or what appears to be peak-type mucus) on cd 29. And I'm talking 8KL. I know I shouldn't over analyze, but I'm just curious what that could mean about my hormones. My temperature has been dropping for two days now (which I assume has to do with progesterone dropping. And, by the way, do normal cycles see a sudden temp drop? My dr. said one of my problems is that my prog. drops too gradually, so I should probably hope that eventually my temp drops more suddenly, right?) and my period is expected tomorrow, so what would cause peak-type mucus at this point? I've read that some women get this before their period, but I never have. I wish I could just be permanently hooked up to some portable monitor that is constantly reading-out all of my hormone levels. Yes, I would wear one.

Normalcy is good

First of all, thank you guys for your supportive comments on my last post. I was a little nervous to put that out there, but I'm not anymore. Not only do I feel like it should be said, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I am among those who should be saying it more often. As Katie pointed out in her comment, fertile women are sometimes chastised for speaking out about an issue some think they don't have the right to talk about (it shouldn't be like that, but it is). So that got me thinking. Maybe I am someone who can and should be speaking out about it, educating other Catholics. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm going through this. I'm not sure in what capacity I could do that, but I guess I'll pray about it.

Anyways, it has been a busy few days. I head back to VA tomorrow morning. If you get a chance, please pray for my husband. He is having horrible pain in one of his legs and he even went to the ER this morning. Of course this happens when I am not there, of all times, and the worst of it happened while I was on the air this morning so no one could even reach me (and keep in mind - I am normally always home and always available). It's bad, though. He hasn't slept since Friday night and the pain meds he got at the ER barely do anything for it. Hopefully we can find out what it is in the next few days and get it taken care of.

As for my cycle, it's day 25 and it's eight days post-peak. The really interesting thing, though, is that this cycle is so far identical to last cycle. I started mucus on the same day (day 11), it lasted for the same amount of time (seven days), and peaked on the same day (day 17). This might sound like no big deal, but you have to understand that no two cycles have even come close to being similar for me in the past. So this is big.

Also big is the fact that the last three cycles - which also happen to be the three cycles since starting my diet - appear very normal. I had a normal amount of mucus, one peak day, and then several dry days. That is HUGE for me. Since I started charting two years ago I have never, until May, had a cycle that appeared "textbook." I almost want to take a picture of my charts before May, because you really have to see them to understand. They're crazy. They're all over the place. I counted, and my cycles prior to May have an average of 3.2 peak days, meaning I wrote the little "P" on the white sticker, had a few dry days, and then had more mucus, and another "P". This happened four or five times during some cycles. I rarely had one peak day. But now... the average number of peak days for my last three cycles is one. One! I love being normal!

Another stat I worked up when I was bored - the average length of my cycle pre-laparotomy was 36.14, while the average length of my cycles post-surgery is 28.6. I just think things are definitely looking up. I can't deny that. Things are changing, and they appear to be changing for the better. I'm not sure if it's my diet, though, because May is also the point at which my prolactin medication probably kicked in. Regardless, something is helping.

So interesting little thing about me lately - I really don't have much of an appetite. That's really weird for me. Really, really weird. I like to eat and I'm hungry often, even on my diet. Today I had to force myself to eat in order to take medication, which I'm about to do again in a few minutes. Maybe it's the Met, but I've been on it for about three weeks at this point and it didn't start until the other day. Speaking of Met, I started taking it with milk and before my meal, and doing so has completely alleviated any stomach upset (which is another reason I'm not sure this is due to the medication).

Well if this cycle continues to mimic last month's, then it will come to a conclusion on Thursday. I've never been predictable, so this is new for me!

Update: So this morning my temp rose to 98.8. That's more good news because it had been hovering around 98.2-98.4 since my peak day and had been below 98.0 before that (and I awoke a couple hours earlier than normal today, and it still rose). I can't tell you how excited I was to see the high temp!

All over the place

Warning: This post is going to be all over the place (hence the title), which happens to also reflect my current mood. I've got a lot of different things on my mind, so here goes...

First off, I still haven't been feeling well. Nothing I can't handle, but it's just uncomfortable. I'm slightly nauseous all the time. Thankfully it's not full blown nausea. Thank you, God! But... it probably will be once my metformin dose is raised next week. If I'm going to feel sick, then I at least hope it is helping my weight loss.

Speaking of weight loss, I am trying to focus on the good in my life and my weight loss definitely fits into that category (sorry if you're tired of hearing about this! I'm just trying to focus on the positive). I've now lost 19 pounds since the beginning of May, and today I bought my first pair of size 6 pants in years. If someone had told me just a few months ago that by July I'd be able to fit into a size 6 I wouldn't have believed it in a million years! (And let me just say that I'm not "officially" a universal size 6 by any means, but I am when it comes to a certain style of capris in An.n Tay.lor, so that's all that matters!). My life definitely changed at that first appointment with my new doctor. I'm just thankful that I have this to be excited about, because my weight was an issue for me. I hated seeing my reflection, I hated my clothes being tight, I hated seeing pictures of me when I was thinner, I hated trying on clothes at stores and having to admit what size I was. It just added to my infertility depression because I kept postponing weight loss because "soon I'd be pregnant anyways." That, obviously, didn't happen and didn't really make much sense anyways. Well, all of that extra stress is now gone, and any stress I can eliminate can only help my infertility!

As for my cycle, it's day 20 and it's the third day post-peak. I had seven fertile, good-mucus days in a row, so that's good news (since before May I use to have a fews days of mucus, then dry days, then more mucus, then more dry.. you get the picture). Today, I saw a tiny bit of brown mucus twice. Not sure what that means, but don't think I didn't consider implantation bleeding! I'm sure it's not, but you've gotta love those little things that keep hope alive and then lead to more disappointment! As for my temp, it spiked a little on Sunday to 98.0, but since I woke up three hours earlier than normal, I'm hoping that had I slept until my normal time that it would have spiked considerably. I woke up two hours early on Monday and that day it was up to 98.2, while today I woke up at my normal time and it was at 98.5.

Meanwhile, I'm still sad and have been crying unexpectedly lately. Hopefully my trip up north will help to get my mind off of things for a few days.

Speaking of that, I leave tomorrow morning for New York. I'm driving by myself and not exactly looking forward to the ride. But I've got some books on CD and Sophie will be with me, so hopefully it will go by fast. I'll still be posting and reading blogs while I'm there, so you won't even notice I'm gone!

One more thing... My wonderful husband helped to get me out of one of my crying spells today by going for a scenic walk. Isn't he nice? Here are some shots from it:

CD 17

So yesterday I had some more pretty bad pains on my left side. Always my left side. I was even too dizzy and out of it to go on our daily walk. I felt better as the day went on, though. I had more peak-type mucus, and this morning my temp went up slightly, but not a huge spike. My mood is weird, changing constantly. One minute I'm crying, feel depressed and sorry for myself and the next I am furiously cleaning. That's not like me (the cleaning part, at least).

Oh, and I finished my adoption reference letter I had to write for friends last night at 2:30 a.m. I just felt like doing it right then.

Right now I'm in a boring mood, so I will end this post. Hopefully I'll have something more interesting to say later.

Still feeling out of it

Thanks, everyone, for your prayers. We are still hoping for a miracle. And God is good, so hopefully good can come from every negative situation.

***

So it's been about five days now that I've been feeling really out of it (sorry, can I complain any more about this?). I'm definitely blaming the met at this point, but it's just not what I expected. I was afraid of feeling nauseous, or having some kind of g.i. upset. Instead, I feel faint and shaky, have abdominal pains, and while I don't have a stomach ache, little food is appetizing to me. I also had muscle cramps in my leg and arm yesterday.

I will gladly go through this - or much worse - for a pregnancy. I'm not complaining about it as much as I am just wondering what it is.

So here's my little self-diagnosis for today: Due to a slight aversion to food lately, coupled with not having a lot of groceries in the house, I am eating far less than normal. This has perhaps led to my blood sugar being too low, hence the shaky feeling, and possible even the muscle cramps (that can happen when you're not eating enough, right?). I am also probably not drinking enough water, which can also add to the symptoms. Anyway, this could be very wrong, medically speaking, but I don't have any better ideas. Unless, maybe these are just normal side effects of the met. Anyway, I'll try to eat more throughout the day today (not a statement I have probably ever typed) to see if it helps, but right now we just finished our daily walk and I don't have enough energy to get up and get food. (And as a side-note, in typical "me" fashion, I momentarily thought I had a potential fatal side-effect of met. It wasn't completely out of the blue, because symptoms include sore muscles, abdominal pain and lightheadedness. Okay, as I type that I am still wondering if I do have it! My mother, though, told me it sounds like I have medical student syndrome. I prefer to call it heavily-medicated-and-nearly-four-years-in infertility patient syndrome.)

I am also having good mucus and today will hopefully be the fifth fertile day so far. My temp is still down, and actually dropped a little more today so hopefully it's getting ready for a nice, big spike. I am also down another couple pounds, to 18 pounds total. My husband is still going strong, too, and today he made the cutest observation. As he was getting ready for work he commented about how great it is that his pants are never tight anymore and that "this is totally worth not eating potato chips." That is huge for my husband! He LOVES himself some potato chips.

In a completely unrelated topic, here's my moral question for the day: Is it wrong to not answer the door when someone knocks on it? A group of people were just going door to door probably selling something and when they got to mine, I acted like I wasn't here. And then another person in the group knocked five minutes later, and, again, I pretended like I wasn't here. Part of me feels like this is sinful, that I am lying. The main reason I did it is because I feel like I'm always hearing stories on the news about people knocking on doors and then forcing themselves into the house and robbing the person. I am home alone and I just don't feel comfortable answering the door. But is that a good enough reason? Do I need to confess it? On one hand, you could say it's no different than letting a call go to your voicemail, right?

Alright, that's it for now. I'm off to write a reference letter for a friend's adoption. They're adopting a baby from Ethiopia, which is something I'd totally be interested in if it didn't involve flying to Ethiopia. My husband, meanwhile, thinks that's a reason to do it.

Still confused

I'm still not feeling 100%, and I just can't figure out if it's due to the metformin or ovulation. Here are my symptoms: tired (not that that's new), stomach is a little off (not enough to be nauseous and I can still eat, but it's just off), I'm a little bloated, and I have pain on my left side. It sounds like ovulation when I type it out, but when it's happening I tend to blame it on the met. One odd thing, though, is that I had pain on the left side last month too. I know you can ovulate on the same side two months in a row (right?), but how normal is that? I guess I'm just worried that it's a cyst or something.

Meanwhile, something has been permeating my thoughts lately (and, from past experience, when that happens, it's usually God trying to send me a message): I need to stop stressing over the details. I need to stop worrying if there's a cyst on my left ovary. If I'm ovulating. What my estrogen is doing. If and when the met will work. I'm not saying I want to stop thinking about those things; while it would be kind of relaxing not to, it does give me a sense of control over my problem, even if that so-called control is all in my head. But, that is the exact reason I need to stop thinking about those details - the truth is I have no control over them, and by acting like I do, I am lying to myself and God. I need to focus what I do have control over - taking my medication, trying to live stress-free, eating right, losing weight, charting, and making use of my fertile days.

Okay, that being said...

Do you think this recent pain is due to ovulation or the met? (I'll turn over my new leaf tomorrow!)

Ovulation symptoms?

I'm feeling better, psychologically speaking. Thank you, everyone, for your prayers and support. I'm going to have a bad day now and then, so thanks for reminding me that God is good and that I should have hope. Today was much better and I also firmly believe it has something to do with hormones (I'm not saying my feelings are completely due to hormones, but I think hormones determine when I feel the heartache more deeply). 

I'm not sure what cycle day it is off the top of my head (and I'm too lazy to walk into the other room to check), but I'm guessing it's like day eleven or twelve. Late tonight I started having abdominal pain. My entire abdominal region was rock hard and bloated, with pain mainly on the left side. It's not from food because I haven't eaten much today and haven't had anything out of the ordinary. I'm hoping this is just my ovaries getting ready to ovulate. I can't imagine I'm ovulating now, though, because my temp is still low and today was only my first day of mucus.

I haven't traditionally experienced a "feeling" of ovulation, like some women report, but the past couple cycles I have had some mid-cycle pain (further proving my point that this ovulation thing is fairly new for me). And speaking of ovulation, we are determined to use the right days this cycle. It seems like every time I look back on my chart we never used every opportunity. There's always a gap or I thought we'd have more time only to find out it was my last day of mucus. Or - and this happens almost like clockwork each month - we have a fight on what would have been our best day. What's with that? I'm sure it wouldn't have mattered, but it just makes you wonder!  

And one more update - the met is still going well. I experience a very slight upset feeling in my stomach a couple times each day but I definitely wouldn't go so far as to call it nausea. And I don't know if it's a coincidence, but I'm not as hungry as often (which is fine by me!). 

Alright, I'm off to bed.

Doing well

Yesterday was officially day one of this cycle. I guess the silver lining in all of this is that I'm not bloated yet, and actually weighed a pound less this morning. Yay!

The only thing I'm concerned about is that I had a dull ache on my left side (presumably my ovary) yesterday and today it has become more painful. That also happens to be the side on which I had mid-cycle pain a couple weeks ago as well. Could it be a cyst? Could it mean the follicle didn't release and now it's just getting larger? I hope not, but it's probably a real possibility. I do have poly cystic ovaries, after all.

I'm doing fine, though. I have my doctor's appointment to look forward to (did I mention I have a doctor's appointment on Monday? No?). And we're working today on finding a venue for the screening of my documentary in August. Hopefully we'll find out it won't be too expensive. Other than not feeling that great, I'm mentally okay. I might go buy myself something in the next few days (well, actually it will be on my wonderful mother. I mentioned I hadn't bought myself any new clothes since losing weight and she insisted I go and do just that). And I'm taking it easy today. By the way, thanks for all your kind words. I'm really not sure what I would do without you guys (actually, I do. I use to get a lot more upset over these things).

By the way, do any of you want to enter into a pregnancy pact with me?

So much for a 13-day luteal phase

I'm 99% sure today will wind up being cycle day one. I'm experiencing pretty heavy spotting at this point. So much for my high temp this morning (is that even normal? I thought your temp is supposed to drop).

I guess it was pretty silly to get my hopes up for a longer-than-normal luteal phase. I should have known better. Things I hope for don't actually happen. And I should have just gone with the flow and not looked ahead and gotten all excited about something that hadn't happened yet. But then I think, it's not like I was hoping I'd be pregnant. Oh, no! All I wanted was 13 days. Is that too much to ask? I guess it is.*

Today my husband commented that in a few days it will be a year since he interviewed for the job he now has. The year has gone by fast and so much has changed for us, but it made me think about the me from one year ago. If I knew then that a whole year later I'd still be childless, I would have broken down. I would have sobbed in disbelief (just like I'd do right now if I was to somehow find out I'd still be childless a year from today). I had so much hope a year ago. I was about to have a surgery and that was going to fix everything. Sure, I might need a couple of months to heal, but I'd be pregnant by Christmas. And if I wasn't, well, I wouldn't have even wanted to consider that because that would mean something was really wrong. Little did I know that I'd have two surgeries, be diagnosed with two additional problems, and still not ovulate even once.

So now I'm left wondering, where will I be in a year from now? Like every year since 2004, I hope June of 2009 will find me pregnant or the mother of a newborn. But what if I'm not? What will that mean for my infertility? Will that be the end of the road? I know it's a waste of time to even worry about this and it's no wonder God keeps it all a mystery. I'm just starting to wonder if this is ever going to end well.

* I'm sorry if this sounds negative. I'm really okay, and I'll try to reflect on the end of this cycle and post something much more positive later. I'm just having a difficult time lately with how to have hope in the face of seemingly-constant disappointment. I know there's a way to make sense of it all, I'm just being stubborn at the moment.

Brownies! (updated)

If I do say so myself, I made DELICIOUS brownies tonight. The ingredients included white wheat flour, splenda, light butter and omega-3 eggs, but trust me, they were good. Or maybe I'm just so sugar deprived that anything tastes good to me right now. No, I'm pretty sure they were really good. If anyone is interested, you can email me for that and many other low g.i. recipes (my email is on the "about me" page). I typed them all up for a friend, so they're all ready to be emailed.

Since I'm posting tonight, there's still no news with this cycle. Nothing. I guess that's good! The longer this luteal phase goes, the better, I suppose.

Update - So this morning my temp is still up - 98.3. If I don't start a new cycle today, then that means my luteal phase is at 13 days. That is very exciting for me because I've only gone as long as 13 days one other time since I began charting (and it was only my third cycle of charting, so I probably charted it wrong anyways).

The other thing I realized last night while pouring over my charts is that this month and last month are the only cycles in which I only had one obvious peak day (for all you Creighton charters, my cycles were always filled with several "P's" written on white baby stickers). All my past cycles I would peak, have a few dry days, then more mucus, peak again, more dry days, followed by more mucus and yet another, final, peak day. It was as if my ovaries were trying to get themselves going and never quite could. Anways, my past two cycles looked normal - seven or eight days of mucus ending with a peak-type mucus day, followed by several dry days, then my period. I only wrote a "P" once! That's huge for me! AND.. it just so happens that I started my diet at the beginning of those two cycles. Coincidence? I hope not! Even if I'm not yet ovulating, at least my body is moving in the right direction.

Current stats

Here they are: It's cycle day 29, I am 12 days post peak, I've had two days of very light brown spotting, my temp is still up (98.4 this morning), no bloating yet, no other pms symptoms to speak of, and bbs are a little sore still but they never outright hurt this cycle.

Here's my bbt chart. I took out one temp a few days ago because I had gotten up really early that day (that's okay, right? I'm new to this temp thing). I also woke up real early on day 27, so that could explain that little dip too.



Does anyone know if this chart looks good, bad or indifferent? As far as I know it at least means I won't be starting a new cycle today, right? I usually get my period after waking up with a low temp. I'm also wondering how my increased dose of T3 might be affecting my waking temp. I mean, the purpose of the medication is to raise your body temperature, and my dose increased on cd 23. I don't know, I'm pretty sure when I get my period my temp will drop like normal no matter what dose of T3 I'm on.

I think this is all working towards the inevitable - that I will be bloated when I weigh in at my doctor's appointment on Monday. Sorry, I obsess.

Speaking of my doctor's appointment, I want to start making a list of questions I need to ask him, so I figured I might as well do it here. So here's what I've got so far:

1. Will I have to go on Metformin for my PCOS? Can I take any precautions to prevent nausea?

2. Is there any way diet alone can help PCOS? (I don't want to waste any time, though, so an aggressive approach is fine by me)

3. Will you be testing to see what my insulin-resistance looks like after almost two months on the diet?

4. So far I've been following the G.I. diet. Do I need to tweak that at all to specifically help PCOS?

5. What will we be doing to get me ovulating? Any chance I did this month based on my chart?

6. Can you tell anything from my temps?

7. Can I please, pretty please, go off of the T3? (If, though, it is helping my infertility in any way, I'll stay on it)

8. Will I need surgery for my PCOS? Will I need another surgery for endometriosis?

That's what I have come up with so far, but I know I'm forgetting a lot. I'll have to update this list as I remember. Anything else you think I should ask?