Mid-cycle confusion

No mucus yet. What's up, B6? I know, it's not like I started it when I should have, but I'm still holding out hope that it'll take effect.

So I am EXHAUSTED lately. For instance, I slept today from like five to seven. That's not like me! I'm not a napper. And lately, on this very blog, I have been bragging about how much energy I've had in the last couple months. Since Monday, though, I have been tired to the point of not being able to keep my eyes open. Could this be the Tamoxifen? It's not the new vitamins because I only started those yesterday. Who knows. What I do know it is definitely cycle related because I don't think anything with me isn't cycle related.

Speaking of my cycle, it's day 16 and I haven't ovulated yet. Well, I haven't ovulated yet as far as I know. Yesterday was 10KL x1 and so far today, I would chart 4AD. But my temperature hasn't risen (I know, I know...) and I just don't feel like I have. Although now that I think about it, I do feel different today. I haven't had any abdominal pains and the feeling I've had lately in my legs is gone. Maybe I am just not used to it happening this early, so I am expecting more mucus. We'll see soon, I guess.

I have to admit, though, that I can't remember if I had some 6K today or not. Part of me thinks I did, and part of me thinks that was yesterday. I am so bad about this. Sometimes I just can't keep it all straight and I don't want to get to the point of having to take notes after every bathroom visit. I am already keeping enough of a record of my life when I chart everything at night. To do more than that might drive me insane.  I don't know, though. I might have to in order to have my peak +7 blood draw done on the right day. I've been worried all cycle that I'm not going to get that right, which is crazy because I have no reason to think that will happen. I just hope it doesn't end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Alright, I am going to go make some food - despite the fact that I am not hungry - so I can take my B6 (I got a little nauseous last night so I am not taking any chances). Seriously, if it weren't for all the medications I take which require to be taken with food, I would eat a lot less than I do. What a change - I used to eat to make me happy and now I eat to take pills. Oh well. That is my life.

Adoration and medication

I just came from adoration. I have never been more confident that I am supposed to spend this time of waiting suffering gracefully, and graciously, and absorbing everything that God wants me to learn. I want to give myself over to him completely and for him to allow us to follow only his path, whatever that may be. I told the Lord tonight that although I fail miserably at this every day, to have mercy on me and I will continue to do my best.

But, seriously, I am pathetic. Do you know how long it's been since I prayed a Rosary? And I choose the computer or television over prayer every day. But then, when I need him, I turn to God, begging him to deliver me from my suffering. When it's convenient for me, I pray for myself and maybe throw in some prayers for all of you and anything else that crosses my mind. What is wrong with me? I need to overhaul things in a big way.

I dreamed I was pregnant last night. I'd never done that before. I've dreamed of babies, which may or may not have been mine, but never of being pregnant. In my dream it was very early on, and although I'd like to say it had the potential to be realistic, it did not. I was seeing my doctor (not my real doctor) in what looked like a college dorm room. The only thing I remember is I was sitting on a bed with a friend next to me and the "doctor" told me I was one and a half centimeters dilated. What!? I wasn't even showing yet! I looked around and there were women sitting on the other side of the bed, waiting for their appointments. It was very weird. I remember being very happy, though!

Today I took my last dose of Tamoxifen. I don't think I had any side effects, but I did have some heartburn the last two days and I got nauseous briefly tonight. I also had some pain on my left side near my ovary last night, and it was bad enough to take advil, which I hardly ever do (because I like to be completely aware of the pain). I had more pain there tonight, around the same time, but it wasn't nearly as bad and I didn't take anything this time. 

I've also been meaning to ask, does anyone know how I could get some more charts? I ran out, and I asked my instructor for more, but she's really busy and so I don't want to bother her again. I could make my own, which I will probably do, but I really wanted more Creighton ones. If anyone has any suggestions, like if I can buy them somewhere, please let me know.

Speaking of charting, today is cycle day seven. My chart looks like this so far:
1-L
2-H
3-M
4-VL 0AD
5-VL 0AD
6-0AD
7-VL 8B x2 (I'm not sure this is charted correctly)

I figure the spotting is due to the Tamoxifen and so I'm not concerned. I am excited for this cycle and if it is not THE cycle, then I will do my best to stay positive. Lord, have mercy on me!

Fun with chart pictures!

I've been a little bit down the past twelve hours or so. Not really bad, just feeling a little bit sorry for myself. So I am posting photographs of my charts so you can all tell me how great my recent cycle looks and cheer me up. Just kidding...be honest.

Here's my most recent chart:

Obviously, my last cycle is the fourth one. Other than possibly a few too many mucus days (white stickers) it looks pretty good. Now compare it to previous cycles (you can click on it to make it bigger and easier to read). Even the cycle right before it was a lot worse, and the first one on this chart was pretty weird. My doctor thought these were still good, though, and a clear indication that my hormones were correcting themselves and getting on the right track.

Now look at my chart from the first part of this year:


All these cycles are post surgery, and the first three are before I started seeing my new doctor. Here's where it gets interesting (really? you're wondering). I started my diet at the beginning of the fourth cycle - and there is a CLEAR difference starting with that one, right? And I started the metformin during the last cycle on this chart. So the positive changes stared happening with diet alone! (Although I love you too, metformin, and if I get pregnant soon I will name my first-born after you.*)

So if any of you have any insight, I'd love to hear it. I just hope I am not reading too much into my lack of spotting this cycle and what seems, to me at least, to appear "normal." 

Last night when I was starting to get down, I tried to imagine what my doctor would say if I showed him my recent cycle right now. If I asked him, hesitantly, "do you think that looks good?" I KNOW he would say "Are you kidding? Of course! That looks awesome!" (He gets really pumped up by things like this). So that helped to get rid of my doubt (weird, I know, but whatever works).

I should hear about my progesterone test from last week any day now, so I will update if I find out today. Oh, and Sophie is getting groomed right now, so I will post a picture of her being all bootiful later as well. 

*Please don't hold me to this. I didn't exactly run it by the mister.

Strange cycle so far

Well it's day 18 (technically it's cd 19, but I'm writing as if it is still Monday) and this month has been a little funky so far. I went straight from spotting to mucus (no green stickers in between the red and the white for all you Creighton charters). I first saw mucus on day nine and I had a bunch of good mucus days in a row until the day before yesterday, day 16, I had a dry day. I knew something was weird, though, because my temp hadn't risen yet and was still hovering around 97.9. So the following day (Sunday) I had some more good mucus and my temp finally rose, but only to 98.2. Then this morning, my temp was back down to 97.7! I did wake up kind of early, but usually when my temp is up, waking up early may make it drop a bit, but never to pre-peak levels.

So it seems like I might not have ovulated this month, which is odd since I was apparently ovulating before my dose of met was increased. I'm fine with it, though. If it's going to happen, it will happen. I can't control my body, and I am already doing the little I can do (eating right, exercising, taking medication). Plus, I don't know for sure I didn't ovulate and I don't really know for sure I did ovulate the previous months (I'll never totally believe it unless I wind up pregnant or if it's caught on camera. Otherwise, I know from experience that tests can be wrong).

I'm not sure why I have a good attitude despite my cycles seemingly taking a step backwards. I guess I can only attribute it to God's grace. There have been a few periods in the last four years when I was really just waiting, and this is one of them (the four months between my two surgeries was another). Since my mind is truly in waiting mode, it may make possible set-backs like this easier to deal with because I'm focusing on the future, rather than on the next two weeks. I think the main reason I'm okay with it is that I've been there, done that, and I'm tired of living a life of despair. I'd rather just wait, and use this time to ask God to reveal what he has in store for me and my husband. Lately I've really found comfort in going with God's flow. I think if I truly give myself over to his will, that it might be an exciting ride. All I know is the way things currently are going sucks, so why not give God a chance to really be in control? He's got to do a better job than I've been doing at the helm (Jesus, take the wheel...take it from my hands, cause I can't do this on my own..... Sorry! Just a little musical interlude!).

******

So I think I'm going to putting some prayer requests at the end of my posts from time to time when I have some (my mom often calls me with them, so some will come from her as well). If you feel so inclined, you can say a quick prayer. If not, that's okay too. Here's my inaugural edition:

Prayer intentions:
For S.D., for healing, comfort and good test results.
For N.S. for healing.
For all those struggling with infertility.

Good news

That's not something I'd normally title a post on cycle day one (which today happens to be), but that shows how important this good news is. I finally got the call I'd been waiting for - I only have to take my temps and pulses once a week! Yay! I almost started crying when I heard this. I know that sounds very silly, but anyone who is or has been part of the PPVI thyroid study knows how much this medication controls your life. I'll still be taking the T3 and I still won't be able to eat for six hours a day, but that's fine. It's good enough that I won't have to carry around my folder with my temp and pulse chart and my thermometer, hear my cell phone alarm go off all day and stop what I'm doing each time. I will also no longer have to feel guilty about missing my temp times and taking them at like 11 p.m. midnight and 1 a.m., something I've done many times (don't tell PPVI!).

That's not the only good news today. I also have now officially lost 20.2 pounds! And that means my current weight has now entered a new bracket, if you know what I mean. For instance, my weight is 1_9 (sorry, I'm not low enough yet that I want to post the exact weight!). It was very exciting to see that on the scale!

And there's even more fun news. Last night I met my first infertility blogger friend in person! Amber and I met for dinner and had a great time (despite the fact the there was a baby shower going on right next to us - how funny is that?). She's moving to Richmond and will even be going to the same parish as me. She is super cool, and it's nice to talk to someone who knows exactly what you're going through.

So as I mentioned, today is cycle day one, although I'm kind of confused whether yesterday may have been instead. Three days ago I had spotting, two days ago I had no spotting, and yesterday I had spotting but also saw clear, lubricative and stretchy mucus. So does yesterday still get a red sticker, which would make it the first day of the cycle? It always bugs me when I have to do that. I'm not sure why, but it just does. It's like I have to rob days from my luteal phase (which I really want to be longer) and tack them onto the beginning, which does no good.

Anyways, now that it's over, this cycle was pretty good. It was 29 days long (or 28, if yesterday was actually cd1), my luteal phase was 12 days (or 11), I had one peak day again (yay!), and seven days of mucus. And when I entered my temps into Fertility Friend, it said it detected ovulation, which it did not say last month. I suspect I did ovulate last month as well, but this just means my temps are getting more normal and normal is good!

In even more good news, I'm not depressed that today is cd1. That's big. I usually want to do something fun to get my mind off of it, but today I'm fine. I'm focusing on the fact that things look much more normal and I know my body is slowly getting on track. I have to give it time, and for the next four months or so, I really need to be patient. And at least for today, I'm okay with that.

Completely stuck

Well I am still on vacation and our internet connection isn't too great so I'm behind on blogging and reading blogs as well. It appears this cycle was a big waste, no big surprise. Of course I don't mean it was a waste because I'm not going to be pregnant. That was a given. I mean it was a waste because again I will have no blood drawn. Just when I think things can't get worse, they do.

So I don't remember if I posted about it or not, but I had too much mucus last cycle. As with every cycle so far since my surgery, SOMETHING had to happen to prevent me from getting a peak +7 blood draw, and last cycle it was too much mucus. So much so that PPVI instructed me to meet with my Creighton educator and learn how to chart with yellow stamps. So I spoke with my educator, who taught me all about distinguishing peak mucus from just extra non-peak mucus. I was ready. She was confident too. I was SO determined to learn it that I thought there was absolutely no possible way on earth that I wasn't going to get my blood drawn this cycle. NO WAY. Under what circumstances would I not be able to determine my peak day? I was getting my blood drawn one way or another. Of that I was certain.

I laugh at my confidence now. How humorous it is that I actually thought I would be able to get a simple blood draw. It turned out that I went from having too much mucus last cycle to having barely any this cycle. I had a few mucus days early on, and then a couple here and there for the next week or so (I'll post my current chart at the end of this post for anyone who cares). So the other day I decided to look back over my chart (thinking that it seemed like something wasn't right) and low and behold, my last peak-type mucus day (according to my new instructions - if I used what I was doing before, I had a peak day two days ago) was way past seven days ago. So no blood draw this month.

(Just to explain this a little - My educator taught me to define my peak day based on how my mucus has changed from day to day [for example if I charted 10KL x2 on day 12 and then 10C x1 on day 13, technically both would normally receive white stamps. But under my new instructions, the second one would receive a yellow stamp because it isn't as fertile as the first day]. One thing I'm not sure about, though, if those instructions are still to be followed if there isn't a lot of mucus, like with this cycle. I certainly don't have excess mucus right now. So there's still a glimmer of hope I could get a blood draw. I'm going to call my instructor tomorrow, but I won't hold my breath.) (On a side note, my mucus has been pale yellow a couple times in the last few days. Does anyone know what that means? I do have a deep cough right now, with yellow mucus in my lungs. Would that affect my cervical mucus?)

So I can't get a simple blood draw. I have no idea what my progesterone level is. That is a basic thing that all women going through infertility know. So basic and yet I am so far from knowing what mine is.

Not to mention that I am not ovulating. I am a 31 year old woman who just wants to be a mother and I am not ovulating. I don't know if I ever have, or ever will.

I try to remind myself that there must be a reason why God doesn't want me to have my blood drawn right now. I just have to trust that this is all moving in slow motion for a reason. I need to stop wishing my treatment was moving along like other people's. It isn't helpful to compare myself to anyone, whether it's to mothers, pregnant women, or women with infertility who are getting treatment at a quicker pace.

As for our vacation, it's been nice, except for the fact that I severly burned my face. Like second degree burns. I look like a freak. Like however bad you're picturing it right now, it's WAY worse. It's peeling and cracking and scabbed and oh ya, it's basically just one side of my face. And it's painful. I need to go slather up with lotion now.

1: 3/27 – H
2: 3/28 – H
3: 3/29 – H
4: 3/30 – H
5: 3/31 – L 0AD
6: 4/1 – B AD
7: 4/2 – B AD
8: 4/3 – B AD
9: 4/4 – 0 AD
10: 4/5 – 10C x2
11: 4/6 – 10 KL x1
12: 4/7 – 0 AD
13: 4/8 – 10 CL x1
14: 4/9 – 10 C x1
15: 4/10 – 0 AD
16: 4/11 – 0 AD
17: 4/12 – 10 CK x1
18: 4/13 – 0 AD
19: 4/14 – 10 CY x1 *
20: 4/15 – 8 CY x1 *
21: 4/16 – 10 CY x1 *

* I wasn't sure how to chart this yet, so I know this probably isn't how it should appear. I'm going to ask my Creighton educator tomorrow.