Believing

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. (Mark 11:24)

I came across this verse while in adoration last night. It struck a cord with me, because, in the past, I have not truly believed I will receive what I ask for. If I had to assign a percentage to the amount of belief I have that God will answer my prayer for a pregnancy, it's probably about 10 percent. That's bad. 

As I read this last night, it suddenly all made perfect sense (as things often do in front of the Blessed Sacrament, not surprisingly). I need to live this. I need to have complete faith. Not just complete faith that God hears me. Not just complete faith that God has my best interest in mind. Not just complete faith that I'll be happy one day, and that we'll have children one way or another. 

No. 

I need to have complete faith in all of those things, but also that I will be pregnant.

I know. You are probably thinking, but many faithful Christians pray for this and never get their pregnancy. I know. Boy, do I know. All I can say is that I just feel called to believe it right now. I feel called into belief, and I feel like I am not supposed to worry about my prayer not being answered.

I am all about rationality. I call myself a realist (Ryan calls me a pessimist). I know there are statistics, I know there are childless couples, and I know most of them are good people. So why do I think my prayer will be answered? Because God tells us to believe. 

Here it is again in Matthew:

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer. (Matthew 21:22)

Both Gospel writers felt this statement made by Jesus was important enough to include in their passages about the withered fig tree. I don't think it was an accident.

So how do we combine this blind faith with the notion of seeking God's will? And how do we manage this blind faith during our monthly ups and downs? It is asking us to put ourselves out there, to expose ourselves to what we see as potential heartbreak and that might sound pretty uncomfortable, scary and even impossible at first. I know I might seem like I am over-simplifying things here, but my answer to those worries is that we just can't worry! God is asking this of me and my husband right now and it must be for a reason. 

All I know is that it may not make a lot of sense, but it felt right when I reflected on it at adoration. I know it is what I am supposed to do. This doesn't mean I won't still be sad, angry, impatient, etc., etc. It just means that through it all, I will do my best to believe that he will answer my prayers, just as he has promised.

On our drive home from adoration, I mentioned this to Ryan. Not surprisingly, he was completely on board. During our weekly holy hour, he has been reading Raymond Arroyo's book about Mother Angelica, who was no stranger to steadfast faith. In fact, that's one of the central themes of the book - Mother's unwavering faith that her prayers would be answered. What an amazing witness she is, and I don't think it's a coincidence that this is what Ryan has been reading. God has been preparing his heart too.

So what's the practical application? Well, I'm going to just try to remember it at all times. When my mind starts to wander into thoughts of doubt, I will gently guide it back on track. When I feel sad, I will remember that while the waiting can be painful at times, God will answer my prayers. Re-training my brain will be a lot of work at first, but I am confident that, eventually, it will become second nature. 

With that all being said, I'd like to let you know that I WILL be pregnant one day.

Cycle update and thoughts on hope

So my temp is back up. I took it when I briefly woke up a little earlier than normal and it was 98.1 (I think). I fell back asleep and took it at my normal time and it was 98.4. So take your pick.

I did have one symptom that the cycle is ending, though. I had bad indigestion last night. Usually, I get a little bit of it (not exactly heartburn, but like bubbles in my esophagus, if that makes any sense), in the couple days before. This could be related to the fact that I was sick this week; my mom thinks my whole digestive tract is getting back on track, and that's what is causing the discomfort (I had some pain, too, on the left side. I thought at first it was an ovary, but she tended to think it was my intestines over there).

We'll soon find out! Tomorrow is eleven days past ovulation. I'm hoping it holds off, since I'd like to have a little longer luteal phase, although I'm not sure if it matters. It will just sound more textbook to have a 12-14 day phase.

I'm also hoping for less spotting this time around. It's all about the small things!

This cycle has taught me some stuff about hope. See, I put myself out there this cycle having some hope (albeit, a tiny bit) and God blesses me with some understanding. Isn't he great? I think I'll write in depth about it another time, but what it all comes down to is I think I am supposed to hope in him. Not for a pregnancy, or for less spotting, or for a family, or for a life like everyone else has. That is just asking him for things. He knows what is best for me, and so why waste so much time hoping for things that may not be in his plan for us? If we spend time hoping in him, though, we're not wasting any time at all.

I'm not saying we are wrong to hope for these things in life - it is okay to ask God for things, especially good things, with his holy will in mind at all times (although we should balance it out with adoration and thanksgiving, something I don't always do). I'm just saying it's obvious that this struggle with hope is something we all fight at times and I've been trying to figure out why.

All I know is I try to listen to the voice in my head that pops up randomly, and says the same thing for months at a time (maybe this is cause for concern?? Don't tell my adoption social worker!!). For months, I heard it say "The Lord is my shepherd, there is nothing I shall want." This would happen all the time, just pop right in there amongst all my thoughts. So I started thinking about it, and I realized that was the Lord's answer for me to all my prayers; he wanted me to believe it. I mean, if I believed that wholeheartedly, I wouldn't be depressed over my infertility! He would be enough; that would be the answer! I know that's a very tall order, since we are humans and live in this fallen world (although I'm sure many a saint has accomplished it), but we can at least try.

And so lately, what has been popping in there is the thought that I am supposed to hope in him, rather than for all of these things I want (or maybe in addition to them, I'm not sure). Having hope in him is all throughout the Bible, and whenever I look up verses that have to do with hope, that's what they say. 

I just googled it now, and guess what popped up first, which I obviously had forgotten all about? "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD" (Psalm 31:25). That's the inspiration for my blog name, a verse that has given me great comfort, and that was probably God telling me a year ago to have hope in him! (You mean that verse doesn't say "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope for a pregnancy"??). But had I ever thought about it that way before? No.

So what does hoping in him even mean? I don't know for sure. Hope in eternity? Hope that he will deliver on his promises? Hope that he will be here for me? Hope that he will bless me? Hope that he will allow me to be pregnant? I'm going to have to pray about it more, but I tend to think it's more simple than I even want to make it. Hope in him. Turn my heart towards him and hope in him.

Right now my level of hope is low in general, so I could give hoping in God a try, whatever that means. I do know that I believe we are put on this earth to grow in love for him, to serve him, and to eventually be in eternity with him. If that is my goal, then I should be focusing more on him and less on my wants and desires. He is enough. It's plain and simple and he is asking us to believe it (how sad that I struggle with such a simple request by him). I may not be able to live like that just yet, but at least I know it's true.

Getting better...slowly *updated*

I felt a lot better today, but tonight, well, not so much.

When your mom lives eight hours away you have to take matters into your own hands, so this afternoon I made chicken noodle soup from scratch. I think this might have been my down fall.

Not wanting to go off my diet again today (I switched from regular ginger ale to coke zero), I decided to make my own soup rather than eat the canned stuff. That way the noodles would be G.I.-approved and I could control the other ingredients as well. Except for obviously feeling pretty weak, I felt nearly back to normal this morning and afternoon - I was fine getting my blood drawn, I was fine at the store, and I was fine making the soup...at first. Then, this evening as I was cutting up the chicken, I started to feel sick again. So I finished everything and got back in bed. I really hope I don't throw up, but I don't think I will. It's definitely not that bad.

In other news, I'm betting that I will start a new cycle on Sunday, if anyone would like to take that bet. Sunday will be eleven days past my peak day and that seems to be the length of my luteal phases lately. And yesterday, amidst throwing up, I got the sensation I get in my legs each and every single month that means the end is near. The legs never lie. My body doesn't do too much on a regular basis, but that sign is the one thing I can count on. I haven't felt it yet today, but we'll see. I guess it is possible that it had something to do with me being sick, weak and dehydrated, but I always try to make excuses for what else the leg sensation could be, and it's always the same old thing.

That's fine if that's the case. I'm really okay with it and, surprisingly, I'm not embarrassed that I told you I was hopeful this month. It hurts every single month, whether I hope or not, so why not try to at least be somewhat positive? And I know it's not here yet, but it really feels like God is guarding my heart this cycle. Perhaps that has something to do with being hopeful? I'm not sure. Tonight I was reading bible verses on this topic, and I was reminded that we should have hope in HIM, not that our request will be granted. Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to make our lives here on earth more comfortable, that we never think in terms of the bigger picture - that God has saved a place for us in eternity! That is where our true hope should lie.

Well, I'm going to turn off the computer and turn on the t.v., maybe even try to fall asleep. I will offer up my discomfort for all of you and all those who I have promised prayers to. I'm also going to try to focus on the blessings in my life. For now, I've got homemade chicken noodle soup on the stove, my husband's at his RCIA class and I'm relaxing in bed. Things could be a lot worse.

Update: I'm really happy with the way my chicken noodle soup with (whole wheat) dumplings came out, and I believe my husband's exact words were "this is the most incredible thing I've ever tasted!" It was really good and that's a good thing, because I think we have enough left over to feed us for the next four days!

I'm not feeling so hot right now, though, so I'm really going to try to sleep this time (after the last time I wrote that, I proceeded to make dumplings for the soup, eat, watch t.v., have a friend come over, etc., etc. No wonder I'm not feeling well right now!).

Post-ovulation pain

Well, I woke up with some odd pains and I'm not sure what they're from.

I had some bad cramping while I was still in bed, and had a hard time getting up. When I finally got out of bed and started to get ready for church, it was clear that the pain was in my lower abdomen, in the middle. It was pretty bad, and got worse in waves. I had a hard time getting ready and was, of course, late. During Mass, the pain got a little better and by then I was beginning to also have some pain near my sides.

Then, once I got back home, the pain changed again, and was more like a muscular pain all throughout my abdomen. It's as if I did a ton of sit-ups yesterday, and, I can assure you, I did not!

I've had pain far worse than this, so it's not a huge deal. I'm just more curious what it is. Of course, I like when anything new happens, so I'm hoping these symptoms are a good sign. It's cycle day 22, and I probably have about a week and a half left in the two-week wait. I'm not as hungry today as I was the past few days, and I actually feel a little bloated, although I've lost a little more weight.

On a related subject, I've been considering actually having some hope this cycle, because I figure that can only help. Don't studies show that hope/laughter/less stress is proven to help people who are sick? Then I'd have to believe the same is true for those of us with infertility! And it would definitely please God, so it can't hurt (well, it can hurt us emotionally, but maybe that's a way that God wants me to die to self. I'll have to explore that more later).

I think, for me, it needs to be a conscious, calculated effort. I don't tend to let myself have hope unless I try to do it on purpose. I don't know, we'll see. It might take a few months to get there. Although, I'm also worried that my hope will decrease after each failed cycle, while, actually, the opposite should be true. I'm probably getting healthier and more "normal" all the time, so I probably have a greater chance of getting pregnant after a few months than I do now.

It'll definitely be a work in progress. For now, I'm going to rest and try not to move too much. Have a great rest of your weekend!

The big three

This new cycle is really kicking me in the butt. I am exhausted, and since I'm exhausted every day to begin with, I needed to italicize that to stress an increased level of exhaustion. I also doubled my dose of metformin yesterday, so hopefully 1000 mg might be enough to begin to actually alleviate my PCOS symptoms, like exhaustion. If that does happen, I don't know what I'll do with my new-found energy. Clean? Get more work done? Be able to stand up without nearly falling over each time? I'm getting excited already!

I would also like to take this moment to thank God that my endometriosis pain is gone. If it wasn't for my surgery, at this very moment I'd likely be downing ad.vil and holding a heating pad to my abdomen. I'm very blessed that I can complain about just being tired. How quickly I forget!

So lately I'm trying to work on the big three - trust, patience and hope. I'm praying about it, asking God for help, and trying to put each into action. When it comes to trust, I am trying to take cues from other areas of my life where I have a great deal of trust, like when it comes to our finances, my documentary, or, more recently, my husband's surgery. I have placed each of these in God's hands and I have no trouble leaving them there. But sometimes I wonder, perhaps that's possible because none of them are too serious, none are the equivalent of not being able to get pregnant. If my documentary doesn't make it, I'll be perfectly fine. If we were to have money trouble then we'd just cut back, and if something really serious happened financially, I have no fear that we'd end up homeless. There are always jobs and there are always family members who can help out. And if something bad did happen to my husband, well, I think I would most definitely struggle with trust. So I guess the real issue is trusting when things look bleak. I need to trust not that I'll be pregnant, but that I'll be okay if I'm not.

When it comes to patience, I have no choice. Well, I guess I could lament each day for the next four to nine months if I really wanted to. But since I know that I can't even hope to conceive before then (since the met needs to kick in), I will take this time to learn how to wait patiently. That means trying my best to not complain as I suffer. We'll see how that goes. Patience for me also means not over-analyzing every ache and pain I have, as well as not coming up with tons of philosophical and theological questions concerning infertility. I need to just relax, let go and act in a way that I know would please God.

And as for hope, I think it's contigent upon the other two. If I don't have trust or patience, I definitely won't have hope. I think what I really need to explore, though, is what I'm hoping for. I can't realistically hope for a pregnancy. I could, but I'd feel like I was lying to myself and the negative me would always follow up an ounce of hope with a big dose of "but it is very possible I won't ever get pregnant!" That's the cycle I've been in for nearly four years now. I think what I need to hope for is that one day I'll have joy. That can also be a tough pill to swallow ("but how can I possibly have joy if I'm infertile?"), but that just brings us back to trust.

For now, I just need to concentrate on riding this out and taking what comes my way. I need to cry when I feel like crying, but never feel like all hope is lost. When I have lost it in recent weeks, I have really lost it. Lately when I'm down, I feel like my life is a huge waste of time and God has just completely given up on me. I just hope the next time that happens that I can try to remember that God has not forsaken me and if I trust, the suffering will be easier to bear. I don't know if there's an easy fix for this, or if I just keep trying, failing, and trying again if it will start to sink in. God, please help me to heal spiritually and emotionally (and physically of course, if that's your will)!

So much for a 13-day luteal phase

I'm 99% sure today will wind up being cycle day one. I'm experiencing pretty heavy spotting at this point. So much for my high temp this morning (is that even normal? I thought your temp is supposed to drop).

I guess it was pretty silly to get my hopes up for a longer-than-normal luteal phase. I should have known better. Things I hope for don't actually happen. And I should have just gone with the flow and not looked ahead and gotten all excited about something that hadn't happened yet. But then I think, it's not like I was hoping I'd be pregnant. Oh, no! All I wanted was 13 days. Is that too much to ask? I guess it is.*

Today my husband commented that in a few days it will be a year since he interviewed for the job he now has. The year has gone by fast and so much has changed for us, but it made me think about the me from one year ago. If I knew then that a whole year later I'd still be childless, I would have broken down. I would have sobbed in disbelief (just like I'd do right now if I was to somehow find out I'd still be childless a year from today). I had so much hope a year ago. I was about to have a surgery and that was going to fix everything. Sure, I might need a couple of months to heal, but I'd be pregnant by Christmas. And if I wasn't, well, I wouldn't have even wanted to consider that because that would mean something was really wrong. Little did I know that I'd have two surgeries, be diagnosed with two additional problems, and still not ovulate even once.

So now I'm left wondering, where will I be in a year from now? Like every year since 2004, I hope June of 2009 will find me pregnant or the mother of a newborn. But what if I'm not? What will that mean for my infertility? Will that be the end of the road? I know it's a waste of time to even worry about this and it's no wonder God keeps it all a mystery. I'm just starting to wonder if this is ever going to end well.

* I'm sorry if this sounds negative. I'm really okay, and I'll try to reflect on the end of this cycle and post something much more positive later. I'm just having a difficult time lately with how to have hope in the face of seemingly-constant disappointment. I know there's a way to make sense of it all, I'm just being stubborn at the moment.

Changing slowly

Tonight I was asked how infertility has affected my relationship with God, and it got me thinking about some of the hard questions I have asked throughout the last three-plus years, and how my receptiveness to possible answers to those questions has slowly changed. For example, I have many memories of lying in bed at night just so sad and desperately wanting to "talk about it." That's my husband's worst nightmare, I'm sure (remember, these were the days before I knew what a blog was and you, my dear reader, could listen to me vent). So he had to just lie there and listen to me babble on and on, asking deep, dark questions like, 'why would a loving God cause me to suffer in this way and not bless us with children, which are the very reason a man and woman join together before God as husband and wife in the first place?' He would offer very nice advice ("because his plan for you hasn't yet been revealed") and then listen as I flatly refuted it. The one argument I kept coming back to was this: Bad things happen to very holy people and there is a chance that no matter how faithful I am, I could die with no children. Then the conversation would turn to whether my reward would be in heaven and that was just too much to take in at the time. It just wasn't consolation to think that I would be rewarded in the next life. Not at age 29.

Luckily for both him and me, that has changed. We never have those late night infertility depression talks (thanks internet!) and I have to believe that even if we did, they would go very differently. The reason I know this is because I find myself giving others the very advice my husband once gave me. And I believe it! That's what happened tonight. As I was emailing someone I realized that I had, at some point, begun believing what my husband always tried to tell me. Maybe it is self-preservation, maybe I have just been worn down. I tend to believe, though, that this transformation has taken place through prayer. I have cried out to God so often to help me, hoping that help would come down like a lightning bolt and when it didn't, I wondered if he'd heard me at all. It wasn't until long after (we're talking years) that I realized I received the help I was asking for. It took a while, but I have slowly come to accept the answers to some of the very tough questions I use to ask. Like...

Question: Why does God want me to suffer like this?
Old Answer: Who knows! It makes no sense. Everyone else can get pregnant and I can't. Can he not hear me? Does he not love me?
New Answer: He doesn't want me to suffer but he allows it for several reasons, such as a) to purify my soul, b) so I can share in the sufferings of his son, c) because the suffering may only be temporary and I am just being very impatient.

Question: What if the suffering is not temporary and I never have children?
Old Answer: I will live a horrible existence, my life will be wasted and maybe, if I am lucky, I will receive my reward in heaven, whatever that means.
New Answer: If I am to never have children (biologically), then I will join millions of other couples who will also never have biological children. I am not alone and God did not single me out to hurt me. That being said, being childless never has to be the end result because we can always adopt. If, for some reason, God puts it on our hearts to not adopt, then there must be a really good reason for that and that would be something we would decide together and have to be completely okay with.

Question: What if I am never okay with not having biological children and I am miserable for the rest of my life?
Old Answer: I don't know! I guess I will just cry every day and no one will want to be around me, ever. And I will be a horrible adoptive parent because my child will always know that I am depressed and God forbid he or she finds out it's because I couldn't get pregnant.
New Answer: That misery will subside as I draw nearer to God. That might be hard to understand at first, but it will happen. This was a sticking point for me just a couple years ago, as I refused to believe the sting of infertility would ever go away. In fact, I thought it would only increase with time. I have found that while it is still painful, I have come to the realization that misery does not please God and to love him is to want to please him. Plus, if what people say is true, that misery becomes a distant memory when your adopted baby is put in your arms.

I remember one night, my poor husband was trying to read a book with me about suffering. We had ordered it online and our hopes were high that it might offer me some help. We got to a chapter about the need to find something that brings you joy in life (like an activity, such as gardening or playing the piano) and I could go no further. I literally sobbed and sobbed because I could not think of one thing in the world that brought me joy, which just depressed me even more. My husband tried his best to list off some possibilities and I just knocked them all down. And at the time, I was being honest. Nothing brought me joy. I was depressed. But I am so blessed today to be able to look back on that and say I have discovered several things that bring me joy. I truly believe God has answered my prayers and transformed me so that I am able to experience joy in the midst of suffering. That's what it is all about - living with this. It was the theme of all of my tough questions. I was afraid of how much it would hurt to live with this pain and what that meant for my relationship with and image of God. I am not on the other side of this by any means, but I really feel like I have grown so much. With God's help, I have learned that suffering is manageable and things can get better. Believe me, I still hope things get much better for me. The difference is that I now believe they will.

Having hope in the Lord

I've been feeling really great lately and it's partly because I get to see my family on Thursday! Then we all leave on Friday for vacation for a week. I'm so excited. I'm pretty bummed about one thing though. I had the chance to see the Pope next week and I had to turn it down. A friend of mine had an extra ticket to see him at Catholic University, but it's next Wednesday while I'll be seven hours away on vacation. I considered driving to D.C., but seven hours each way is just too much for one day. Plus, I don't get to see my family that often so I probably shouldn't leave while I'm with them. Oh well. I'm pretty sad about it, but I did just get to see Pope Benedict in October. Here's a great shot we got of him at the Vatican:



On another topic, I watched the best episode of Cold Case last night. It actually made me realize something important (I know this might sound pathetic, but I'm serious, and I'll take some insight wherever I can get it). It was about a guy who kidnapped and kept women in little dungeon-like rooms in basements, and the reason he does it is because basically he gets a sick enjoyment out of seeing the women give up hope. As he put it, once they lose hope, "death is just a formality". It turned out (sorry to ruin it for you) that one of the women was still alive because she refused to give up hope, despite being stuck in one room with no light and no apparent chance at being rescued. She hung on, humming the tune of church bells she could hear, and convinced herself there was something to live for. So hope saved her.

So I know this is just a t.v. show, but sometimes it takes things like this to make me realize things I should already know - that I need to have hope, even when it seems like I am stuck in a dungeon with no light. Because if I lose hope, I will die. I may not actually die, but what is the difference if I walk around like there's no reason to live? I need to have hope. God wants me to have hope. And I need to hope not necessarily for a pregnancy, but that I will have joy.

God is working in my life and I need to show Him that I am faithful, patient, and with Him always, not just in good times. He wants the best for me and all I should want is to make Him happy. Lately I want to be pregnant more than I want to please God, and that's not right.

The devil wants those of us suffering with infertility to lose hope. He is trying so hard for us to give up on our God and desperately wants us to think God gave up on us. But He hasn't! He has been with us all along and always will be. There will be tough days and suffering is painful, but the Lord is still with us through it all.

Trying to trust

I decided not to take an ovulation test today. It just makes me too crazy. I really, truly want to relax about all of this. It's getting to the point where I'm tired of being sad, angry, and worried all of the time. I've been praying for God to help me to accept His will, whatever outcome it may be. I've also been praying for Him to put adoption on my heart, if that is His will. I hope I can get to a point where I can be optimistic, hopeful, but most importantly where I can trust God. The main thing I need to remember is I will have answers, in God's time. One day, whether that day is a month from now or a year from now, I will know what is medically preventing me from conceiving. That problem - or problems - will either be fixable or they won't be fixable. We may try to fix them and then find out the treatments don't work. Or, it may come to a point where doctors say they cannot determine what is wrong. That is a possibility. I may adopt while the medical treatment is going on, or I may adopt once it is all over. Or I may get pregnant.

I'm not feeling too well today. I woke up with a sore throat and I still feel exhausted from the medication, like I'm a lead weight. Maybe it's not the medication and I'm just getting sick! I also have abdominal cramping though. I'm not sure what that is about, because it appears that I'm still not ovulating. I wonder if you get cramps when your follicle doesn't rupture.

The only thing I've done today, other than go to church, is bake (and watch t.v. of course). Here's a picture of banana chocolate chip bread I made today. I thought it looked pretty. I wish you could smell it!

A lot to be thankful for

My streak of positive ovulation tests finally came to an end today. Yay! I've never been so happy to see a negative test. I know four days of positives isn't exactly normal, but it's better than five or six days I guess.

I'm trying not to look too much into things so I don't want to over-analyze this, but besides hoping for a pregnancy, I'm really just hoping my body starts to regulate itself after surgery and this cycle will be the first chance to see if it does. Today is CD 18 and I've had mucus for about a week, with the exception of not having any on the 13th and so far none today. I've always had enough mucus, so that's not an issue, but my problem is that I have like two weeks of it and it stops, then starts, then stops, then starts. I have been told that is because my body is trying to ovulate and can't, so it's trying to kick start itself. I'm really hoping that my ovulation problems were due to endometriosis and that things will soon start to look more "normal." So I'm really crossing my fingers that I don't have any mucus today, or for the rest of the cycle.

But - if there is something else (other than endometriosis) that has been going on, I should be confident that it can be fixed. It just might take longer, but that's what patience is for, right? So I shouldn't worry. I'm just so thankful that I have/had a problem that can be fixed. So many people are dealing with forms of infertility that are not treatable and I think I can get so caught up in my sadness that I forget how lucky I am. We haven't had to grieve the finality of untreatable infertility. Sometimes I grieve it because I am a pessimist, but I haven't had to really deal with that. My situation really is hopeful, and my level of hope on any given day has nothing to do with that. A stranger would look at my situation and say it is hopeful. That's the truth that I have to start getting use to. I use to fight hope because of the fear of being let down, but I am confident if that were to happen, God will protect me. I believe He gives graces to those who hope in Him.

And I have a lot to be excited about! My sister is flying in tomorrow for a week-long visit and the day after she leaves we close on our new house. Then I'll have at least a month of getting it all ready, painting, sewing curtains, decorating. And many new episodes of Lost are still to come (how amazing has this season been?!), not to mention American Idol, and now that the strike is over The Office and 30 Rock will be back! And did I mention Lost? Then we're going on vacation with my family in April. I'm at my best when I'm preoccupied and have things to look forward to. This cycle will be over before I know it and then it will be time to have new blood drawn and possibly start taking something to regulate my hormones. Now, if God could just miraculously heal my cavities that I'll be having filled in the coming weeks, things would be really great!

On the bright side...

...I don't have to wait two weeks to see if I'm pregnant and be let down. We can get right to work on the second cycle post surgery. I mean, no one gets pregnant on the same cycle of their surgery, right?

Even though I'm not one to watch my chart too closely (except on my fertile days), I was planning on posting today about what day I was on, how I have had a lot of fertile mucus days (too many, perhaps?), and what it all may mean. I was officially going to become obsessed with my cycle again and to over-analyze each nuance. Then I got my period this afternoon.

So here goes anyway: Yesterday was cycle day 30, I had 15 days of mucus (with the exception of a three days in between the days of mucus), and my luteal phase was a total of three days. What does that mean?? I typically have long cycles, ranging from about 35-45 days. Short luteal phases aren't usually my problem; I've only had one other cycle like this since I started charting. So it's safe to say I wasn't expecting this today.

I'm not sure what to make of it. My ovaries did just undergo major surgery three weeks ago today, so maybe they're just getting back on track. But one thing I am fearing (because I always fear the worst) is that I have PCOD (or S..which is it?). Dr. Hilgers didn't completely rule it out since my ovaries were in such rough shape that he couldn't tell what was going on underneath the endometriomas. I also have high testosterone, which could be a sign I think (but other than that there aren't any real symptoms). God, please don't let me have PCOD. I can't face another major surgery. I don't want to go back to Omaha. I just want this to all be over with.

So this is where having patience comes in. I won't even begin the process of having new blood work done for three weeks. I probably won't get the results or hear what new treatment options there are for two months. And I might not start any possible new treatments for three months. But, despite my crazy cycles, I just have to keep going, as if my body is completely capable of conceiving. This is when I have a hard time with hope - when is hope just me lying to myself? Maybe that's when blind faith comes in - having hope in the Lord even when it seems the odds are stacked against me.

Back when I thought I had a chance to conceive each month (it seems so long ago now) I use to allow myself an indulgence on days where I found out it wasn't happening. That usually meant eating a peanut butter cup sundae from Friendly's. So maybe I'll start that tradition back up!

Thoughts on being patient

As much as I hate to admit it, I think there's a good chance I might get pregnant some day. In the far reaches of my mind, when I dare to admit it to myself for fear of somehow jinxing it, I think it could happen. I didn't always feel this way, but I have caught the new, post-surgery me thinking these thoughts. They tend to go like this: I'm in my mid-30's, I have at least one adopted child and I've never stopped praying for a miracle. It's unexpected and amazing.

I believe that the removal of my endometriosis - barring a new, additional diagnosis (still the pessimist) - now makes even the possibility possible. Even if my egg is not currently being released from my ovary, having otherwise healthy reproductive organs at least allows for the chance that an egg will one day, one month, find its way out.

While I believe in miracles, I didn't feel in my heart that I'd get my miracle before my surgery. I know anything is possible, but I just wasn't feeling it. But now I believe God could definitely work His wonders. I don't know why I feel this way, maybe because it is easier to imagine God making my egg leave my ovary rather than imagining Him instantaneously clearing up my endometriosis. Maybe it is easier to wrap my mind around the former. But maybe it's also because God is putting the possibility on my heart now.

That brings me to what I need more than anything at the moment (yes, even more than hope). There are a lot of things about me God has been working on in the past 3 1/2 years. Through it all, though, I know patience is at the top of the list. I want to be pregnant yesterday. I want to be pregnant after my first cycle post surgery. I want to be pregnant by at least the second month. I want to be pregnant while I'm 31. Heck, I want to give birth while I'm 31. I want to be pregnant sooner rather than later so that my new-found hope doesn't wane. I don't know how long I can sustain this slightly positive outlook.

I know I need to work on my patience. There's going to be a wait. There could be a very long wait (every day seems long when you're dealing with infertility). Now that I think about it, "be patient" were Dr. Hilgers' parting words to me. It might not happen right away and that's okay (I try to convince myself). Because, if given the choice, wouldn't we all say we'd take a pregnancy five years from now over no pregnancy at all? I know, the thought of waiting five, six or seven years seems horrible, especially because while we wait we don't have any guarantee that a pregnancy will ever happen. If we did it would be too easy. I have definitely wished that I could know the future.. if God could just let me know now.

So I pray to the Lord that I can learn patience and completely submit to His will in the meantime.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I may not know what His plans are for my future, but if He says he won't harm me, then I guess I have to believe that and try to have some patience in the meantime.

More on hope, post surgery

Yesterday I received an amazing email. It was not unsolicited, but I had forgotten that I was waiting for a reply, and the reply was unbelievable.

Let me explain. I was talking to a woman in December who runs the Perpetual Adoration chapel where I used to live, and I told her about my upcoming surgery. She immediately insisted I email a religious community (which happens to be located in Omaha, NE, which is why I think she thought of it for me in the first place, since that was where my surgery would be) called Intercessors of the Lamb. I'm not sure exactly what they are, but I know they are a group of contemplative hermits whose mission (I think) is intercession. My friend has some connection to them, and said to use her name in the email. So I logged onto their website and clicked on prayer request. I sent them a short version of my story and asked for their prayers. I told my friend I had sent it and she said they'd get back to me after they'd discerned for me. I wasn't sure what that meant in this context, but when I asked my mother she said she was pretty sure they'd pray about my situation and then tell me what came to them in prayer, any advice they may have, what I should focus on. So it's safe to say I was excited to hear their response.

I didn't receive a response before my surgery and then I kind of forgot about it in the flurry of post-surgery recovery. But yesterday I received the response and it was very enlightening. Here is a sample of what they said came to them while in prayer for me:

· An image of Jesus dressed as a surgeon and Our Lady dressed as a nurse and the room was filled with light
· An image of you recovering from surgery, angels were surrounding you and Our Lady came and handed Baby Jesus to you and there was joy
· Jeremiah 29:11 – spoke of hope

Here is the verse they mentioned:

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I was so excited! That verse has comforted me before, and now it has taken on new meaning.. like God wants me to specifically pray about it. I know our own personal prayer can be just as good as that of the Intercessors, but somehow hearing it from them really helps it to hit home. Overall, the theme was (big surprise) trusting the Lord and following Him. I think we all know that is the answer to being delivered from our infertility grief.. but getting to that point sometimes seems impossible. I think we often just hope we'll get pregnant before we really have to give in to His will, but realistically I know that perhaps true happiness (with or without children) won't come until I follow Him. And if that's the lesson He wants me to learn, maybe giving in will only help pregnancy (or joy without pregnancy - I can't assume pregnancy is His will!) happen sooner.

I also just want to say that the image the Intercessors spoke of in the operating room and during recovery is really what I feel happened during surgery and after. When I went to Mass on Saturday evening before I left for Omaha, I was alone because my husband was at work. Upon returning from communion, I really prayed hard for God to help me with my anxiety about surgery, with the surgery itself, with recovery and with my overall infertility. I asked Him specifically to carry me. I've always heard that spoken about - Christ carrying you when you can't go any further on your own - but hadn't really experienced it myself. So I prayed, hard, that Christ would carry me. Before I knew it I was crying, which I didn't realize until my tears hit the pew in front of my which I was leaning over! Anyways, my prayer was answered. There is no other way to describe my experience before, during and after surgery. It's like my pain was muted; I felt some bad pain but it was easy to deal with. I was very happy, perhaps in the best mood I've been in for a while (I'm sure the pain medication had something to do with that!) and the whole experience just seemed easy, not to mention the wonderful success of the surgery itself. Christ definitely carried me, I'm sure of it, and the email from the Intercessors just reiterated this.

(I also just have to add one thing - I would really like to think of the image of the Blessed Mother handing baby Jesus to me as symbolizing a pregnancy, but what if it has deeper meaning? I'm going to pray about it, but right now I really like that a baby was included in their discernment!)

On another subject, let me just say that after four months of having virtually no chances of conceiving, I'm nervous to re-enter the world of monthly hopes and (possible) let-downs. My constant question (and that of many others, I'm sure) is whether to have hope or not have hope. Will not having hope make it hurt less? I've decided to, for now, have hope. Why? Simply because that's what I believe God wants for us. It may be hard, and it may hurt more initially, but ultimately I can't honestly say that God would want me to be hopeless. There's no way. So I can either be with God or on a path separate from God. So I may not always be full of hope, but I'm going to try. Plus, when I was recovering in Omaha and was pretty confident I'd be able to get pregnant (those darn pain meds again), I began to contemplate what I (once pregnant) would think about when I looked back on my infertility. Right now, it's safe to say I'd be ashamed of myself. I have resisted spiritual growth, I've fought carrying the cross, and I've been angry with God more often than not. If I do become pregnant, I want to be able to look back on my infertility as a time of great spiritual growth, a time when I was close to God and gave into His will. And I know deep down that's what God wants for me too.

The beautiful path of infertility (and other things I never thought I'd say)

In my world of new-found hope I am actually thinking positive thoughts. Amazing! So while lying in bed last night I suddenly had a realization (I'm having trouble putting this in words, probably because it's late and my "o" key just broke off of my lap top, so I apologize ahead of time if this is hard to follow): Everywhere infertility has led me has been beautiful. The people, places, experiences.. all of them have given me the feeling of being touched by God (you know the one).

I'm not talking about the dark days. Those I blame largely on myself, my lack of trust and refusal to carry the cross. I'm talking about the experiences I have had solely because of infertility, things I wouldn't have experienced without it. If you focus on those you'll begin to see a pattern. This is what God intended my infertility to be - a beautiful path filled with wonderful people and spiritual encounters. Here is a sampling:

- I swear my Creighton educator is heaven sent. During our first phone call she told me of her own battle with infertility and how she conceived shortly after giving it completely over to God (she went on to have six or seven kids). I can't begin to explain the guidance she has given me, and that's saying nothing about her help with the Creighton Model. Even the way I found out she existed was amazing. It was my first day at a new job at a Catholic retreat center that I was unsure about taking. I overheard someone say the diocese had a new fertility expert, so I called. I'm not sure I would have found out otherwise. So even during bad days at that job, I knew why God had put me there.

- Or how about our impromptu trip to the middle of Pennsylvania to meet with a priest who has been given the gift of healing. Father Mike's been known to pray with infertile couples only to have them conceive shortly thereafter (humbly, he admits he has no idea why he has this gift and, as he told us, would rather heal cancer patients if he had his say). Sitting in the basement of a house he shares with his elderly grandmother, he told us his story, asked about ours, then held our hands and said a simple Hail Mary. Then we went to lunch. I'm leaving out some detail, but it's safe to say it was one of the most surreal experiences of my life (now I just hope we don't break his good track record!). And, once again, the way I found out about him was bizarre. I applied for a job with my state's Right to Life Committee and while emailing with the executive director it soon came up that I was dealing with infertility (I still wonder how it got to that point so quickly, not the usual job-interview conversation. Only God can make something like that happen). She immediately told me about her infertility (she now has a daughter), Fr. Mike and about the PPVI Institute. I didn't end up taking the job, but I owe a lot to her.

- Last July I had to have an ultrasound series done ahead of my laparoscopy at PPVI. Unable to travel to Omaha for this, I was told that the only other ultrasound technician trained in their method on the east coast was in New Jersey. So I spent a week at the Morning Star Family Health Center (their web page displays the lyrics to "Gentle Woman" and their tag line is "Building a Culture of Life in Family Health Care". How great is that?!) where I received some of the most caring, wonderful treatment I'd ever experienced. I left with a really great feeling, an unofficial diagnosis and some hope.

- While in New Jersey we realized we weren't far from the St. Gianna Shrine just outside of Philadelphia. We drove up to the address only to find a small parish church with no sign of the shrine. After searching the entire premises, we entered the church to discovered a very simple, small shrine in the back corner of the sanctuary. Two women were sitting watch while a relic of St. Gianna - her white gloves - was displayed. I knelt, cried and prayed while holding the gloves and after praying I mustered the courage to approach the women to tell them why I was there. Immediately one of the women, who happened to be pregnant, told me she also suffered from infertility and conceived her first child after praying for the intercession of St. Gianna (her current pregnancy was actually her second). She also suffered from endometriosis, which I was told I had just the day before. The experience was a gift from God, and I continue to have a devotion to St. Gianna.

- And, of course, our entire experience with PPVI. From our trip to Omaha to the great care I have been given, this speaks for itself.

To me, these are all signs that God is in this. Perhaps an even bigger sign of God's presence is the fact that I can recognize this at all.

Having hope

My first full day of having hope is going surprisingly well. I really have a new outlook. What's getting me through is that I feel confident that soon I will have one of two things:


1) a biological child, or

2) an adopted child, and peace of mind


The peace part was the missing link all along. I still have a hard time believing I will be fulfilled by adopting, so in order for me to start having hope I must trust that if God does not intend for us to have a biological child that He will give me peace with that. I used to think about the two options above (minus the peace part) and it did me no good. But simply by believing God will give me peace, I find myself having hope. Not sure if that makes sense, but it's working.

I am kind of tenative about this, though, because I go through phases quite often and today could just be a good day. I need to remember that at some point I will get depressed again. It might be tomorrow, it might be next month. If I accept that it will happen I will be able to handle it and not allow it to send me into a downward spiral.

So tonight I thank God for this grace, no matter how long it lasts. And I look forward to having a child either way!

Ending the temper tantrum (or trying to)

If I were to be honest about my infertility-related behavior, I'd have to say it's like the adult version of a child's temper tantrum. It is as if I am on my stomach, kicking my feet and pounding my fists on the ground, crying out "it's not fair." If I did that to my parents as a kid (and I'm sure I did) it would have gotten me no where, except maybe my bedroom.

While I usually think I am totally justified in my depression, anger and frustration, deep down I know my temper tantrums aren't pleasing to God. And with God in the role of "parent," it's definitely not going to get me what I want.

With that in mind, I feel like I need to change things. This is nothing new. I've prayed for years to have peace with infertility. I know this peace can't come without turning over my anger, frustration, sadness and all that comes with infertility to God. I have spent many hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament trying to do this very thing. Kneeling, I try to visualize my problems as a material thing that I place at the bottom of the monstrance in front of me, or at the feet of Christ. I'm obviously doing something wrong because it hasn't worked.

Lately, I feel like it's getting worse. I have this feeling like my soul is rotting and I'm doing nothing to nurture it. I know this problem is caused by my lack of trust in God. I realized this while reading an amazing post today by Et-tu. It's far more insightful than I could ever be, but it made me realize that this lack of trust is the root of all of my problems. It is possible to trust in God and when I do, He will protect me when I fall.

So, then, how do I go about actually doing this? As I've said, I've tried before to no avail. Today, though, I realized I do have a personal experience I can draw upon.

Being a cradle Catholic, I fell away from the Church in my twenties like many people do. I still believed in and loved God and always considered myself Catholic, I just wasn't attending Mass and was definitely not living the life God wanted for me.

About a week after returning from my honeymoon, I began to go through an amazing conversion, except I didn't know that's what it was at the time (I should also point out that this started before I realized I was infertile, but was perhaps God's way of preparing me). I started to get horrible anxiety, like I was sinking into a black hole. I was hysterical. I couldn't eat, sleep, or function. The best way to describe it is like a constant panic attack. My poor husband probably wondered what he got himself into. Interestingly enough, this wasn't the first time I had experienced this. It first happened to me at age 17. As with this time, I experienced constant and indescribable panic and cried constantly, even at school. People must have thought I was losing my mind, and I kind of was. During both experiences, the focus of the panic was a fear that there was no God (I now understand, and have been told by others, that this was God's way of showing me what the world would truly be like without him. I experienced it, and let me just say, it was hell). I didn't know it then, but it was a typical "dark night of the soul" and is actually an enormous grace.

This most recent time, after my wedding, the panic lasted a few months but the lack of belief in God lingered for about two years. I realized rather quickly that this was the beginning of a conversion that would change my life forever. I started going to Mass, went back to confession (which helped immensely), Perpetual Adoration, and began a Formation for Ministry program (I actually did these things at a time when I didn't believe in God. Go figure). It took a while, but finally, after many, many months I was able to say I truly believed in God shortly after Easter 2005.

It wasn't easy. I had an awesome advisor as part of the Formation program who met with me weekly. A 70-something Sister of St. Joseph, she was my angel sent from God to help me believe again. She suggested that I pray that my anxiety be lifted on Easter Sunday and envision it being taken up to Heaven, just like Christ. I did, and it worked. It didn't happen instantaneously, but a few weeks later I realized the black hole was gone.

But that wasn't the only thing that finally did it. The other thing that worked (and the point of me telling this story) is that I just acted like I had faith. I've heard many people talk about this, and I can't say enough how well it works. It's actually, not to be cliche, taking a leap of faith. I soon experienced God so personally that I understand why it can be hard to explain the experience to non-believers.

What helped me to do this was hearing the lyrics to a song called "What If?" by Nicole Nordeman. It was like the song was written just for me, a skeptic. One part in particular that affected me was this:

What if you jump
Just close your eyes
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise

I decided that's what I need to do - and, if these lyrics were true, God would protect me from what I was most afraid of - falling. It worked that time and it will work now too. I just need to jump.

On another note - it's 76 degrees here today! I'm a northerner and so not use to this. It's like I'm on vacation.