The God of peace

Well it's officially cycle day one.

As for details, the cycle lasted 24 days and went eleven days post peak. That's a pattern lately, I seem to have had an eleven day luteal phase for a few cycles in a row. So now I'm left wondering what was with all this strange spotting this cycle; overall there was less of it, but this time it was on strange days.

The good news is tomorrow is my doctor's appointment. I think later today I'll post all my questions I'm coming up with for him, and then I'll print them out so I can take them with me.

So, the second reading at Mass this weekend really struck me. I think us infertile women - at least the ones struggling, and isn't that all of us? - can take something from it.

Phil 4:6-9
Brothers and sisters: Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me. Then the God of peace will be with you.

I like practical advice. Paul here tells us everything to do:
1) Do not have anxiety.
2) Approach the Lord with thanksgiving, thanking him for all he has blessed us with.
3) Ask the Lord for what you want.
4) He may not give you what you want, but have peace knowing you've prayed about it. We can relax and know it is in his hands.
5) I the meantime, think positively. Focus on the good things God has created and given you.
6) Keep plugging along. Do what you know you should be doing as a Christian, and you will have peace.

I will try to do this, but it's hard. Number one means I can't worry about the possibility of never getting pregnant, how depressed I will be with my life, whether I am doing the right thing, etc., etc. That's not easy. I don't do enough of number two. I try to thank God but it's probably forced; I hurry through it to get to my requests, because that's what I'm there for. I know number four is true, and recently a friend really showed me this by example. It's still difficult to reach that level of understanding, but I'm going to try. I don't do nearly enough of number five, and I bet anything that it works. Maybe I'll really try this one.

Let's face it, when I take God's advice it always works. So why am I hesitant every time? Trust, I guess, and this stupid humanness that gets in the way.

Well I've gotta go get ready for a walk. I'm trying to lose a couple more pounds before my doctor's appointment tomorrow and my official weigh-in. It's definitely not going to help that I'll probably be bloated now!

Cycle update and prayer requests - Updated

I haven't posted about my cycle in a while, so I thought I'd give a little update. I should point out, though, that I didn't chart while we were gone this week and so I'm not entirely sure how it all went down.

What I do know:

• Today is cycle day 15.
• My period lasted for five days with the fifth day being just spotting.
• Mucus started on day six and, with the exception of a dry day on day nine, lasted through til day 13.
• Yesterday, day 14, I saw 8 PC; I think this would normally be a yellow stamp day, but because it follows a peak day, I believe it should get a light green post-peak sticker instead.
• My bbt was low on Sunday (97.4) and high yesterday (98.1) and again today (98.3). I did not take it Monday or Tuesday since we were away.

So what's different? Well, a lot of things. My period was about three days shorter than it normally is for me. My mucus started three days earlier and ended about three days earlier.

If I ovulated, I'm guessing it could have happened on Monday or Tuesday. I'm basing this on a couple things: 1) Tuesday was my last peak-type mucus day, and, 2) while I did not take my bbt on Monday or Tuesday, it was low on Sunday morning and high on Wednesday morning.

As for other possible symptoms of ovulation or anovulation (depending on what these symptoms may mean), I had pretty severe cramping over the weekend (a day or two prior to ovulation if, in fact, I did ovulate early this week) and even had to use a heating pad. I also had a bad headache Sunday night. I have also experienced back pains since the weekend, which is very unusual for me.

I'm trying to be patient for my next doctor's appointment on Oct. 6. I'm just getting nervous that I'll just come out of it with nothing but another appointment in another four months. If that does happen, well, I have to trust God that it will be best. I also can't be scared of finding out that the met isn't working because that won't necessarily be a bad thing. We can probably raise the dose and it might be that it just needs more time.

Before I go, I have some prayer requests. Please pray for T.C., a mother in her thirties who was just diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. Also, for K.P. who is dying of breast cancer and may have just a few days left.

I am also taking part in the 40 Days For Life campaign today and will be praying outside of a clinic in Richmond. Please join me in praying for the unborn, especially those whose mothers will visit abortion clinics today. I will also pray for all those who are unable to bare children themselves, because I can't help but connect these two things - the millions of women who kill their unwanted babies and the millions of women who pray and hope that one day they'll be able to have life within their womb. Maybe all of us struggling with infertility should adopt spiritual children - those in the wombs of women currently deciding whether to keep the child or abort - and pray for them especially. We may not have our own, but we can give our love to their children in the meantime.

Update: Okay, something is up. I just had some spotting. Sorry for the gory details, but it was brown and slightly mucusy. But it's day 15. Day 15! I've never got my period this early. In past cycles, the earliest I ever got my period was day 26 and the earliest I ever started spotting was day 24. Heck, when I first started charting my cycles went 40+ days! Oh well, I'm fine. This is truly a rollercoaster ride and I trust in God that everything will be okay. And if I do oddly get my period super early this cycle, at least I have a doctor's appointment in a week and a half.

Cycle update

Well I haven't really posted anything about my cycle lately. That's probably because I'm trying not to focus on the intricacies of it as much, and I guess it is working! But there's nothing wrong with an update. Here are the facts:

• Today is cycle day 19


• I ended last cycle with three days of spotting, followed by three days of my period, followed by five days of spotting


• I started mucus immediately following the spotting, on cycle day 9


• I had cloudy/lubricative mucus on days 9-11


• I had cloudy/clear/lubricative on day 12


• Clear/lubricative on day 13


• Cloudy/clear/lubricative on day 14


• Clear/lubricative on day 15


• Cloudy/lubricative on day 16


• And then cloudy on day 17 & 18


• All of these mucus days were a 10, or stretchy, which means it stretched an inch or more


• I am taking my temp just for fun, and it was low all cycle (97.7-97.9) until this morning when it raised to 98.2


• So far no mucus today

So that's it. It's still too early to tell if it's going to be really wacky. Definitely all the spotting is a bit strange. And does anyone know what it may mean that my mucus tapers off about two days before my temp rises? Is this normal? I assumed it was because my doctor told me my ovaries are "slow" and my progesterone doesn't kick in until a couple days after my estrogen does what it is supposed to do, but I'm no expert. I sure have a lot of questions to ask my doctor at my October appointment.

Speaking of that, I am not letting this bother me anymore, but that being said.. I do have a desire to understand what exactly is going on. At my last appointment things were explained to me very simplistically, which is fine; there was a lot of information given to us at once and to go any more in depth might have been overwhelming. And there's always the chance that my doctor might have explained what was wrong and I just didn't retain any of the information. That is entirely possible. He also spent a lot of time on the "why's" and kind of glossed over the "what's", meaning I know all about the hormones and how they affect the ovaries, but I know very little about what is actually physically happening in a practical sense. Call me crazy, but I like to picture exactly what is going on in there. The next time I am not leaving his office until I understand. I want to know everything.

For instance, here are some of the questions I have: What does it actually mean that my ovaries are slow (not why, but what actually happens)? If I ovulate and there is an egg released, then where does the break-down occur in the process? Is something wrong with the egg itself, or is the egg okay and the problem is actually with the environment the egg finds itself in?

I'm sure I'll come up with more questions between now and mid-October. I go into confession with a list, so why should a visit to the doctor be any different?!

In other news, our anniversary is now just a few days away! I already got my present; we went to the outlets last night (spur of the moment, too.. isn't my husband great?) and I splurged and got a really nice purse. It's just beautiful. We got a great deal on it, obviously, but it's definitely the nicest bag I've ever owned. For my husband's present, we're considering getting him the iph.one. He never wants anything, yet he's wanted this for a while. The only problem is that we hate living above our means and this might put us over our household budget a bit (although I've offered to have it taken out of our food budget.. less food means more weight loss!). I just really want to do it for him. For years I haven't had my own money to buy him presents for Christmas, birthdays or anniversaries and so we always just end up not doing presents. Yet right now, I actually have made some money and I want to spend it on him! It's not the cost of the phone though, it's the monthly bill that is the problem. So we'll see.

As for the actual day (this Thursday) we're partying it up by getting Chinese take-out. Yes, I'm cheating on my diet a teeny tiny bit. I'm ordering chicken and broccoli. Don't worry (because I know you are), I won't have white rice; I'll just make some brown rice at home to have with it. BUT.. I'm going to get some lo mein. I've been craving it. I never, ever cheat for fear that if I do, I'll open up the flood gates. But I'm confident that if I keep it to major holidays (birthday, anniversary, and maybe Thanksgiving and Christmas), then I'll be fine. And cheating will still be in moderation (my motto is cheat with fat, not the "white" stuff [unless it's lo mein on my anniversary]). My main goal is to keep my mind off the other anniversary that day - you know what one I mean - and Chinese food will achieve this goal.

And the festivities don't end there: Later in the month we'll be taking a trip to NYC for our anniversary as well. We'll stay with my brother-in-law, so it'll be a pretty cheap trip. The main reason we're going is to go to one of the last Mets games at Shea. We can't wait!

Well, that was more than just a cycle update. Sorry. My posts have been kind of like one big run-on sentence lately, so I'll try to improve on that in future posts. Have a great rest of your weekend!

We know what's wrong

Where to begin? I've decided that tonight I'm going to just post all the information I learned today at my appointment and not comment too much on it (or at least that's my plan). I just want to put it all out there and begin to process it. I will say, though, that I'm not sure how I feel about it right now. I go back and forth from being upset to being slightly hopeful. My husband, on the other hand, thinks everything we learned is great news, but I don't necessarily trust him. It's his job to say that. It's also kind of odd to finally, after all these years, know what is standing between me and having babies. Anyways, here goes...

I learned that from the blood taken at my last appointment on April 28, all my chemistry is good. I'm not anemic, my organs are good, and everything is normal. Also normal is my thyroid, my prolactin and my testosterone (my testosterone being normal was a big surprise because I thought that was high due to PCOS, which hadn't been treated at all when the blood was taken). It also showed that my LH and FSH ratio is still 2:1. That is bad and is a sign of PCOS.

We learned a lot from my saliva test (which was taken two cycles ago in May, and shows my hormones throughout the entire cycle). This is where it gets tricky, and this is where we learned what is truly the cause of my infertility. First off, I am ovulating (yes, I was shocked). At the beginning of the cycle, my estrogen starts good and my progesterone is low like it should be. Then all goes awry. You know how estrogen (or is it estradiol? whatever) goes down at the very same time that progesterone rises? I remember my Creighton teacher teaching me that and commenting on how amazing it is that God designed it so perfectly. Well, mine doesn't do that. My estradiol did whatever it's supposed to do to show that I'm ovulating, but then my progesterone didn't rise until about three days later. Three days! I think it's supposed to happen instantaneously. Then the progesterone got really high, like it's supposed to, but then it dropped off a few days before it should.

The doctor described my ovaries like this:

"You know how on Dancing With the Stars there's the really awesome couple who is smooth and in step and looks great? And then there's the goofy couple who is never quite in sync? Your ovaries are the goofy couple." He also used a golf analogy for my husband's benefit. Something about my ovaries not being like Tiger Wood's swing.

He said my ovaries are dysfunctional. I probably release an egg every month but instead of being this nice, smooth, precise process, it's slow and clunky and pretty messed up. So my ovaries are losers. They're ugly and dorky and probably get picked on by all my other organs.

He thinks the LH/FSH problem is causing it, and the whole ovarian dysfunction probably even caused my endometriosis.

It was at this point that he told me no one knows why this happens or how to treat it. He then said "this is when people do IVF" (he, of course, is against it, but just meant that this is when others would typically consider it their only option). So that was when I zoned out. I didn't hear much of anything else he said for a few minutes. I concentrated on holding back tears and I think I nodded my head a lot, probably inappropriately.

Somehow I came back around and picked back up when he was describing PCOS and insulin resistance. So I told him about my diet and weight loss (Oh my goodness! I didn't even tell you about my big weigh in! I did it! I met my goal, surpassed it even, and was down 16 pounds on his scale! Woo hoo!). His immediate response was "Praise the Lord!" He thought this was GREAT news and he thinks it is likely helping me already. He toyed with just treating me with diet and exercise. He had written out a prescription for metformin, and told me not to fill it right away. Then he changed his mind and said to fill it. He also doesn't think the drug will affect me negatively. He takes it himself and said it makes him feel whole again and will likely do the same for me. He also said that even if getting pregnant wasn't an issue for me, I need to treat this as a medical issue. It could lead to diabetes, heart disease or a heart attack at a younger than normal age.

On a sidenote, he said that metformin will likely make me lose even more weight, and faster. Looking forward to that! (And, hopefully, it won't be because I'm too nauseous to keep anything down! Please, Lord!)

So my doctor didn't come right out and say what my chances are of getting pregnant. He also didn't say it won't work. He basically just said that this happens to work for a lot of patients. He said it could take six to nine months to work, so we have a long wait ahead. He doesn't think surgery is in my future because apparently the wedge resection surgery is done to help lower the testosterone and, in turn, help the PCOS. Since my testosterone is already back to normal, that isn't my problem.

My next appointment is in four months. It's so far away that they're not even scheduling that far in advance, so I have to call in August. He also said that if by my next appointment it appears that the metformin is helping, he'll put me on either Clomid or Letrozole to help the ovulation. I'm hoping that combination will be what eventually leads to a pregnancy.

So that's it. I probably left some stuff out. For a recap: I am ovulating.. but my ovaries are bad.. my estrogen and progesterone don't switch off at the same time.. this somehow causes my egg to not do the right thing after leaving my ovary.. this is caused by my LH and FSH ratio being off.. this is all caused by insulin resistance (I didn't ask how).. and this is all part of PCOS.. my diet and exercise is likely helping to treat it already.. I'm going to start metformin tomorrow to help it as well.. but it will likely take at least six months before we even know if it's helping.. and if it is, he'll put me on clomid or something like it to help ovulation. I think that's it, but I have a feeling I'll remember something else in a little while and have to update this.

I would appreciate hearing what you think. Is this not that big of a deal? Have you ever heard of it (the estradiol/progesterone problem)? Is the situation more dire than I yet realize? Anyone know anyone who has fixed this problem and gotten pregnant?

I'm going to post tomorrow on how I feel about this. I will make a final observation, though. I left the appointment sure of one thing: If I do become pregnant, it will be through prayer. I feel now that nearly everything has been stripped away and I am left to lean on the Lord. I know I still have medication to try and my diet may help as well, but ultimately, whether any of that helps to correct my hormones is up to God. I know that it is always up to God, but for some reason I am now more accutely aware of this than ever before.

Big day

It's been an emotional weekend. There have been a couple of mini-breakdowns. Which is why I haven't posted.. I figured they'd be angry, bitter posts and I'd regret them.

I'm exaggerating. It wasn't really that bad.

So tomorrow's the big day (technically it's already tomorrow). My doctor's appointment is at 11:30 a.m. I know this might shock you but I'm nervous about my weigh-in. Remind me next time to not set stupid goals for myself that I might not reach no matter how hard I tried (negative much?). It's just that I'm fragile these days, so not reaching it could be bad.

In other news, I've been cheating on this blog. I am now the proud owner of three blogs - this one, a private weight loss blog I'm doing with my sister, and a blog for my documentary. It's too much! And to keep them all separate (and this one secret), they're all on different accounts. I already inevitably commented on this blog with my other blog's username. I'm bound to do it again, so bear with me.

Hopefully I'll have good news to post tomorrow (today)!

Current stats

Here they are: It's cycle day 29, I am 12 days post peak, I've had two days of very light brown spotting, my temp is still up (98.4 this morning), no bloating yet, no other pms symptoms to speak of, and bbs are a little sore still but they never outright hurt this cycle.

Here's my bbt chart. I took out one temp a few days ago because I had gotten up really early that day (that's okay, right? I'm new to this temp thing). I also woke up real early on day 27, so that could explain that little dip too.



Does anyone know if this chart looks good, bad or indifferent? As far as I know it at least means I won't be starting a new cycle today, right? I usually get my period after waking up with a low temp. I'm also wondering how my increased dose of T3 might be affecting my waking temp. I mean, the purpose of the medication is to raise your body temperature, and my dose increased on cd 23. I don't know, I'm pretty sure when I get my period my temp will drop like normal no matter what dose of T3 I'm on.

I think this is all working towards the inevitable - that I will be bloated when I weigh in at my doctor's appointment on Monday. Sorry, I obsess.

Speaking of my doctor's appointment, I want to start making a list of questions I need to ask him, so I figured I might as well do it here. So here's what I've got so far:

1. Will I have to go on Metformin for my PCOS? Can I take any precautions to prevent nausea?

2. Is there any way diet alone can help PCOS? (I don't want to waste any time, though, so an aggressive approach is fine by me)

3. Will you be testing to see what my insulin-resistance looks like after almost two months on the diet?

4. So far I've been following the G.I. diet. Do I need to tweak that at all to specifically help PCOS?

5. What will we be doing to get me ovulating? Any chance I did this month based on my chart?

6. Can you tell anything from my temps?

7. Can I please, pretty please, go off of the T3? (If, though, it is helping my infertility in any way, I'll stay on it)

8. Will I need surgery for my PCOS? Will I need another surgery for endometriosis?

That's what I have come up with so far, but I know I'm forgetting a lot. I'll have to update this list as I remember. Anything else you think I should ask?

New site

The website for my documentary is up and running. Here's the link. It's kind of basic because I did it myself and had to work around dumb things like the inability to change the text of hyperlinks (solution: put them on a dark-colored box). You'll see. It will get the job done, though. I just hope I did the keywords and meta tags and all that right, or else no one will find it. Just putting it in God's hands at this point!

In other news, I think a new cycle is starting today or tomorrow because I've had some spotting. The great news, though, is that my doctor's appointment is now less than a week away! I can't wait. I just feel like I get closer to a pregnancy with every doctor's appointment I go to. And this one should be especially revealing because I will get the results of my month-long saliva test. So hopefully I'll have lots to share next Monday!

Hallelujah!

I had the best doctor's appointment ever today. It was amazing. It turns out my new doctor is very familiar with Creighton and knows Dr. Hilgers well. Basically the doctor started off by asking us all about my situation, so we brought him up to date. I don't know how to describe it other than to say that he seemed very pumped up about tackling my situation. Very pumped up. It got us very excited! Plus he was just the nicest, most personable guy. He had me get blood work (Yay! Blood work! Every time I felt the band-aid on my arm and remembered I had bookwork this afternoon I got happy again!) and also started me on this saliva test thing that tests certain hormones. I have to spit into vials every other day! The doctor said that because they can't adhere to all of PPVI's strict standards, he has to do things a little differently (like for instance how it isn't feasible for everyone to have blood work sent to PPVI each time its taken, as I have discovered, or fly to Omaha for an ultrasound series), but that he respects PPVI and knows Dr. Hilgers is a genius. The office also has a doctor who was trained at PPVI, so he is going to go over everything with her as well.

He is going to come up with a plan for my treatment. Yay! That's what I wanted to hear! So right now, he thinks I have probably have PCOS, but I kind of got the feeling that he thought that was a good thing. Well, not necessarily good, but good in the sense that it is completely treatable. He also told us that Dr. Hilgers probably knows that I have this. He said there is a lot of evidence I have PCOS, from the fact that I produced too many follicles when I was on Clomid way back, to some ratio involving my LH being off, to the fact that I had bi-lateral endometriomas (I think he said this had to do with PCOS, but I know at least that he said they don't see bi-lateral endometriomas too often), to my testosterone being high. He thinks that we're going to find out that I have an insulin problem and he recommends me going on the G.I. diet right now (anyone have any experience with this?). He also doesn't think I have a thyroid problem, but said to just keep taking the medication for now. He is testing my prolactin to see if that has begun to lower yet, and he could tell from my charts that I'm not ovulating. He said that may be due to my high prolactin, and he definitely wasn't ready to diagnose me with LUFS. He also said I came in at the absolute perfect time - four months after my surgery and at the point where my body is just about healed, and endometriosis free - and I came in on the perfect day, because if I'd come in tomorrow it would have been too late to start the saliva test this cycle (thanks St. Gianna!).

The whole thing was completely uplifting. This doctor just seemed like he is going to tackle this. He said he's going to help me ovulate and I should be able to get pregnant. And he actually made the comment that it's not like I need to start the adoption process or anything (maybe God's way of having me put the paperwork off for a while?). And to top it all off, he prayed with us at the end of the appointment. It was amazing!

The day did take a little turn when, after we finished lunch, we noticed that our car was missing (which, I might add, is a very weird feeling). It had been towed. We had to walk several blocks to pick it up (my famous last words before we left this morning - "I can wear heels because we aren't going to be doing any walking, right?") and found a ticket on it for 50 bucks. Could have been worse (thanks again, St. Gianna!).

My next appointment is in June, but the doctor said he would call before that with my lab results. All in all, I feel great about my situation. I really do. (I'll need to come back and re-read this post when I'm feeling down). Just to hear someone tell you that this is treatable is such a breathe of fresh air! I know that some women come to the end of their treatment and still aren't able to get pregnant, but I really am starting to feel in my heart that a pregnancy is in my future. If it's not, at least I will know that we did everything we could and that it surely wasn't in God's plan for us (I know that sounds like just a thing you say to sound optimistic, but I am starting to believe it more and more each day). God is really blessing me lately with a sense of peace and I know that is because I am starting to let go. I use to think that was just another one of those things you hear about but think, 'that could never work!' Well, it does.

And I don't think it's a coincidence that this all happened on St. Gianna's feast day!