Blood work

I forgot to mention in my last post that I got my blood work results for my day-three draws of estradiol and prolactin. They are both normal. Prolactin was 2.3 and estradiol was 65. My pap smear was also normal. Praise be to God! 

I just didn't want good news to go unnoticed. It is so easy to take that for granted. And, by the way, I am getting used to normal test results lately! After four years of all my tests having something wrong, it's a great change!

I heart blogging

Can I just say that lately I've been SO grateful for the friends I've made through this blog? It's just been so apparent that I'm receiving so many blessings from all of you! From sharing information to sharing hope to sharing our struggles. I don't mean to sound corny (too late) but I don't know what I'd do without you!

I haven't even been doing this a year yet (despite the fact that this is starting to sound like my one-year anniversary post or something) but it seems like it's been forever. That's in a good way, of course, but it's probably also due to the fact that time seems to move at a snail's pace when you're trying to make a baby. Right?

I don't know if she wants me to say this, but I am...I just wanted to especially thank Becky who is the sweetest thing on earth. She actually sent me something to thank me for introducing her to the G.I. Diet. How incredibly sweet is that? It makes me want to be more thoughtful to others myself! So even though no thanks was required, Becky's gratitude made my day yesterday. Now I just hope this diet helps us both wind up pregnant! 

I am just so certain today that God is definitely blessing us, just perhaps not in the single-minded way we are hoping. It's very easy to have blinders on and not see the small - or sometimes even big - blessings he is sending our way. I hope and pray I can start to recognize those things more. 

The Infant

I've been meaning to write this post for a couple weeks now. It's just that what I'm about to write is so important to my infertility experience that I wanted to give it its due, and each time I sat down to write it I was either too busy, or there was too much going on around me, or I just wasn't in the right frame of mind. And, as with many experiences, I needed to capture it while it was still fresh or I might begin to question its importance or doubt its authenticity. I have already begun to do that to some degree.

Okay. Now that you're hopes are officially raised... (Seriously, don't get your hopes up. Forget I gave it any introduction or that I teased it all week. I'm just about to write a random post that you happened to come upon.)

So let's go back a little bit to early August (I'm going to tell this story in the timeline I experienced it). I was getting ready to travel up north for the big premiere, when I got a phone call from Betty, the woman helping to organize the event. She's the coordinator of the perpetual adoration chapel featured in the movie. At the end of our phone call, she said she was praying for me to have a child (as always) and was talking about how maybe God will bless me with that now that the movie's done, but maybe He won't. Then she asked me what my production company, Es.therJa.ne Productions is named after. I told her it was for my grandmother, Esther, who died when I was seven (we were super close and it seriously took me like 15 years to get over it and greatly affected my childhood). Then Betty said, out of the blue, "You know, you should pray to your grandmother. She's part of the communion of Saints and we don't utilize that enough." Well, that's all I needed. It's safe to say I took that as a sign that I was supposed to pray to her. I can just imagine her up there looking down on me, watching me go through this struggle with infertility. It must be breaking her heart, if that can even happen in Heaven.

I asked my grandmother for her intercession that night, and the next. Then a couple days later as we're driving up north, I mentioned Betty's remark to my husband, Ry.an, and told him that I'd prayed to my grandmother. He asked, "Didn't your mother have a dream about your grandmother and you and a baby, or something?" I answered, "That sounds oddly familiar, but if she did, how in the world would I have possibly forgotten something like that?" I mean, seriously, I'm seeing talking babies, yet I erase from my mind a dream involving me, my deceased grandmother, and a baby?

[I should also add that my mother and her mother (not Esther) have both had dreams involving deceased relatives throughout their lives. It's not something they talk about at all, and it doesn't happen very frequently. She's even had a few about Esther, including one in the days after her death that my mother isn't even sure was a dream. She saw her standing in her bedroom, clear as day. The other few were definitely dreams, but extremely vivid nonetheless. We'll get back to that later.]

So fast forward to the night of the premiere, after the movie is finished, as people are leaving. As I'm standing with one of my good friends (who also happens to be featured in the film) she mentioned to me that she'd been praying for me, which is not surprising in and of itself, but as she put it, "I have no idea why, but I've been praying for you to the Infant of Prague." A light bulb immediately went off in my brain and I probably sounded like an idiot because my reply was, "Uh, um, that sounds familiar. There's something about that...I need to ask someone..." My mind was doing cartwheels as I was trying to put it all together. My grandmother. The dream. The Infant of Prague.

Because that night was one of the craziest nights of my life, I wasn't able to speak to my mother about this. Meanwhile, in the back of my mind, I was worrying that it wasn't the Infant who was in her dream, that it was some other saint or image of Christ. As soon as I woke up the next morning, though, I asked her about it over the phone as she was at work.

"Mom, this might sound weird, but did you have a dream about _____ [name I called my grandmother, Esther, which is very far from Grandma or Granny or Nanny, so I'm gonna leave it out. Think baby's-first-words-but-unfortunately-not-directed-towards-her-father-like-they-should-have-been], a baby and the Infant of Prague?"

Yes, she did, she said. It was probably about a year and a half ago, and she told me about it at the time, but I still have NO IDEA how this slipped my mind (one a side-note, my sister thinks I wasn't supposed to remember it then, and that it was meant for now). She also said that at the time she wasn't worrying about my infertility at all. Here's the dream:

My mother sees me lying in bed in my childhood bedroom, as a child, and an Infant of Prague statue is over my bed (I should also add that I didn't have a statue over my bed as a child; my family didn't even own one). For some reason, she has a hard time describing what the statue was on or in - a shelf of some sort, but then she says it was in some sort of frame, yet it was a statue, not a picture. Probably not important, but you never know.

Cut to the next 'scene,' and I'm an adult, holding a baby. As my mother looks at me, surprised, my grandmother appears. "Don't worry," she says to my mother. "It's the Infant of Prague."

She said my grandmother went on to say that the Polish people have a devotion to him (my grandmother was 100% Polish, and while I haven't found a great deal on the internet about the Polish devotion to the Infant, I know that it is true because I have other, unrelated, Polish relatives who also have a devotion. And while the Infant of Prague is obviously in Prague, in the Czech Republic, the country still borders Poland).

I couldn't believe it. It was all starting to come together. A few things became very clear to me that morning, namely, 1) God himself wants me to have a devotion to the Infant of Prague, 2) my grandmother is definitely watching over me and taking care of me, specifically when it comes to infertility, and 3) she said "Don't worry." Don't worry! I seriously take that to mean that everything WILL turn out okay. And let's just add that I was holding a baby when she said it.

Was I holding the Infant Jesus? I'm not sure, but probably. Was I holding my future baby? I don't think so. One way you could interpret it would be to say that it means I won't have a baby of my own, but I will always have baby Jesus to hold. While I'm ever the pessimist (no offense, baby Jesus, at all), I just don't think that's what it means. And surprisingly, this isn't the first time someone has had an image of me holding Christ as a baby.

So back to the story. The next day, I'm online looking for an Infant of Prague statue, when I suddenly notice its feast day. January 2nd. My birthday. And St. Therese's birthday, who also happened to have a devotion to Him. I shrieked. I couldn't believe it; it was another sign. (I should also add that since that initial discovery, I have realized that there is quite the discrepancy over the Infant's feast day. Some put it in May, others put it in late January. But I'm fine with that, because my birthday is still in the mix. I don't think that's a coincidence.)

It's safe to say that I immediately jumped head first into a devotion to the Infant of Prague. I know God wants me to. I'm still looking for just the right statue, and someone told me the other day that it has to be given to you. That might be more of an old-wives-tale sort of thing, but as I continue to scour the internet, I am praying that the right statue will find me. We are more than half way through a novena which I plan on saying each month. And we even visited an Infant of Prague shrine about an hour away this past Saturday. We both described feeling very calm and serene as we prayed before the Infant in the quite loud church (Mass was letting out).

I truly believe that God was giving me a grace with this glimpse into Him, and perhaps it was no coincidence that he did it on the night of my premiere. I'm not saying I deserved a reward or that God even works like that, but this has been a hard-fought battle and I'm just starting to turn a corner and I think God likes that. I prayed - hard - for a sign, all while asking His forgiveness that I needed a sign in the first place. I shouldn't. But He knows we are human and He sees us struggle. He knows when our intentions are pure and we are not attempting to prove His existence, just get some much-needed help along the way as we bear our Cross.

In the weeks following this turn of events, my mind, naturally, has begun to downplay it. Even as I write this post I'm worried some may read it and think I'm looking too far into a silly dream and some additional coincidences. I can't let that doubt creep in. (And, for what it's worth, there are documented miracles attributed to the Infant that involve dreams.)

As all of these events were happening, my view of this struggle of infertility completely changed. I was holding a baby, my grandmother told my mother, "DON'T WORRY." This message makes me realize I can do this, I can get through this. God, Himself, wants me to be strong. He was in my arms in the form of a baby, what I want most in this world.

I have felt much more peace in the days since, and I truly have the utmost confidence that the Miraculous Infant is taking care of me and doing His best to grant me my heart's desire. This was all a gift from God, and to now downplay it would be to make light of a gift that I prayed for from Him. Thanks, God. That was a pretty good try, but could you be even more obvious next time? Maybe come to me in a crowded shopping mall and publicly declare the day I will conceive? Oh, and I'll also take an order of financial security and health for my entire family with that. Thanks.

I'll probably need to reflect on this in additional posts, but this is the main story for now. Thanks for reading, and feel free to offer any insights you may have on it as well. There's definitely a lot for me to think about!

Brief update

I have a lot I need to post about. One story in particular that blew me away last week. I'm too tired to do it now, but I did want to post something in the meantime, so here's a quick update.

• My cycle ended up lasting to day 26. Not great, but better than had it lasted only 23 days, which is what it seemed like it was going to be at one point.




• I had a lot of pain at the end of the last cycle/beginning of this cycle. Not sure why, and whether it is related to pcos or if endometriosis is making a comeback.




• I am now on day 5 of my current cycle.




• We are still excited from last week's premiere and I can't imagine that anything could top that. I am getting an average of one DVD request a day, which is great, and we haven't even begun any marketing outside of the city it was filmed in. We have to order a second run already!




• Two DVDs are now in the hands of a couple who will be sending them on to EWTN and the Vatican (God is so good!). Needless to say we're praying hard!




• Have I mentioned how blessed I am? Not only has God's grace completely enveloped us this last week with the movie, but separately from that, I have an immense amount of peace about infertility. I am SO excited for God's plan for us and I just know that He will take care of us. He is our God and there is no one I would rather follow, even if it seems at times like we are following Him into the darkness. To say that He has our best interest in mind is an understatement. He loves us more than we can imagine, and if we give ourselves completely to Him, we will have peace and joy no matter what happens. And I'm so thankful to God that He has allowed me to come to this realization, despite my whining and complaining for nearly four years!

Have a great Monday everyone!

Good news

That's not something I'd normally title a post on cycle day one (which today happens to be), but that shows how important this good news is. I finally got the call I'd been waiting for - I only have to take my temps and pulses once a week! Yay! I almost started crying when I heard this. I know that sounds very silly, but anyone who is or has been part of the PPVI thyroid study knows how much this medication controls your life. I'll still be taking the T3 and I still won't be able to eat for six hours a day, but that's fine. It's good enough that I won't have to carry around my folder with my temp and pulse chart and my thermometer, hear my cell phone alarm go off all day and stop what I'm doing each time. I will also no longer have to feel guilty about missing my temp times and taking them at like 11 p.m. midnight and 1 a.m., something I've done many times (don't tell PPVI!).

That's not the only good news today. I also have now officially lost 20.2 pounds! And that means my current weight has now entered a new bracket, if you know what I mean. For instance, my weight is 1_9 (sorry, I'm not low enough yet that I want to post the exact weight!). It was very exciting to see that on the scale!

And there's even more fun news. Last night I met my first infertility blogger friend in person! Amber and I met for dinner and had a great time (despite the fact the there was a baby shower going on right next to us - how funny is that?). She's moving to Richmond and will even be going to the same parish as me. She is super cool, and it's nice to talk to someone who knows exactly what you're going through.

So as I mentioned, today is cycle day one, although I'm kind of confused whether yesterday may have been instead. Three days ago I had spotting, two days ago I had no spotting, and yesterday I had spotting but also saw clear, lubricative and stretchy mucus. So does yesterday still get a red sticker, which would make it the first day of the cycle? It always bugs me when I have to do that. I'm not sure why, but it just does. It's like I have to rob days from my luteal phase (which I really want to be longer) and tack them onto the beginning, which does no good.

Anyways, now that it's over, this cycle was pretty good. It was 29 days long (or 28, if yesterday was actually cd1), my luteal phase was 12 days (or 11), I had one peak day again (yay!), and seven days of mucus. And when I entered my temps into Fertility Friend, it said it detected ovulation, which it did not say last month. I suspect I did ovulate last month as well, but this just means my temps are getting more normal and normal is good!

In even more good news, I'm not depressed that today is cd1. That's big. I usually want to do something fun to get my mind off of it, but today I'm fine. I'm focusing on the fact that things look much more normal and I know my body is slowly getting on track. I have to give it time, and for the next four months or so, I really need to be patient. And at least for today, I'm okay with that.

All over the place

Warning: This post is going to be all over the place (hence the title), which happens to also reflect my current mood. I've got a lot of different things on my mind, so here goes...

First off, I still haven't been feeling well. Nothing I can't handle, but it's just uncomfortable. I'm slightly nauseous all the time. Thankfully it's not full blown nausea. Thank you, God! But... it probably will be once my metformin dose is raised next week. If I'm going to feel sick, then I at least hope it is helping my weight loss.

Speaking of weight loss, I am trying to focus on the good in my life and my weight loss definitely fits into that category (sorry if you're tired of hearing about this! I'm just trying to focus on the positive). I've now lost 19 pounds since the beginning of May, and today I bought my first pair of size 6 pants in years. If someone had told me just a few months ago that by July I'd be able to fit into a size 6 I wouldn't have believed it in a million years! (And let me just say that I'm not "officially" a universal size 6 by any means, but I am when it comes to a certain style of capris in An.n Tay.lor, so that's all that matters!). My life definitely changed at that first appointment with my new doctor. I'm just thankful that I have this to be excited about, because my weight was an issue for me. I hated seeing my reflection, I hated my clothes being tight, I hated seeing pictures of me when I was thinner, I hated trying on clothes at stores and having to admit what size I was. It just added to my infertility depression because I kept postponing weight loss because "soon I'd be pregnant anyways." That, obviously, didn't happen and didn't really make much sense anyways. Well, all of that extra stress is now gone, and any stress I can eliminate can only help my infertility!

As for my cycle, it's day 20 and it's the third day post-peak. I had seven fertile, good-mucus days in a row, so that's good news (since before May I use to have a fews days of mucus, then dry days, then more mucus, then more dry.. you get the picture). Today, I saw a tiny bit of brown mucus twice. Not sure what that means, but don't think I didn't consider implantation bleeding! I'm sure it's not, but you've gotta love those little things that keep hope alive and then lead to more disappointment! As for my temp, it spiked a little on Sunday to 98.0, but since I woke up three hours earlier than normal, I'm hoping that had I slept until my normal time that it would have spiked considerably. I woke up two hours early on Monday and that day it was up to 98.2, while today I woke up at my normal time and it was at 98.5.

Meanwhile, I'm still sad and have been crying unexpectedly lately. Hopefully my trip up north will help to get my mind off of things for a few days.

Speaking of that, I leave tomorrow morning for New York. I'm driving by myself and not exactly looking forward to the ride. But I've got some books on CD and Sophie will be with me, so hopefully it will go by fast. I'll still be posting and reading blogs while I'm there, so you won't even notice I'm gone!

One more thing... My wonderful husband helped to get me out of one of my crying spells today by going for a scenic walk. Isn't he nice? Here are some shots from it: