Progesterone results

My doctor's office called with my blood test results for my progesterone:

Peak +7: 44.27
Peak +9: 17.96
Peak +11: 19.76

Good numbers, thank God!

The nurse's reason for calling me was actually because she said my doctor needed to know two things - the date my last period started and the date of my peak day. She said she needed to tell my doctor to see if he wanted to run any additional tests. I'm like, what additional tests? Although in real life I didn't actually ask her what tests, I just said 'okay.'

What I did ask her, though, was what the test results were because I wasn't getting off the phone without those! So that's when she told me and mentioned that my doctor said "they are right where he likes to see them." I'd say! Considering that last month my peak +7 was 8.21, 44.27 is pretty great (and I'm not even taking any progesterone supplements or anything - I'm on all the same meds as last month).

So the bottom line is I have something to celebrate this month - greatly improved progesterone and the knowledge that my progesterone doesn't fall too low too soon (which is what my saliva test showed last spring and it hasn't been tested after peak +7 since), or at least it didn't this cycle. Things are moving in the right direction!

Cycle day 29

It's 12 days post peak. Again, I feel kind of like crap. This morning I awoke, not with leg pain, but with neck pain. And crazy dreams for like the fifth day in a row. Is this some delayed effect of Tamoxifen to have crazy, disturbing dreams?

Here's a new concept: Maybe it's just me. Maybe a good portion of what happens with me has nothing to do with my cycle. Wouldn't that be funny? I mean, I seriously think everything is cycle related - nausea, back pain, bad moods, good moods. I'm just so centrally focused that I can't imagine anything happening outside of my hormonal ups and downs. Ya, I'm pretty sure everything is cycle related.

We're leaving to go to my in-laws in a few minutes and tonight will see the Sabres play the Hurricanes. It should be fun! I've been to NHL games before, and I remember it being cold. I'm just really hoping it's not. I've been freezing lately (again, I assume this is cycle related) and sitting in an ice rink sounds pretty cold. I'll make sure to dress warmly. In layers.

In adoption news...Two more families were moved to "placement in progress" on our agency's website. That is great news because now there are only ten families ahead of us on there (there could be more waiting families who aren't on the website, but they don't count in our mathematical equation because we know there are about two babies placed each month through tracking the website. That means if couples not on the website are being chosen, there are even more babies per month). Seeing those couples move down from the list makes it even more real. And they weren't chosen in order, so that makes it even more real. If the remaining couples are chosen in order and two babies are placed each month in the coming months, that means we could have a baby by August. Now, I know it might not happen like that. Once we're no longer last on the list, couples below us could be chosen first. But late summer still sounds exciting. And once we reach that point, even if we don't have a baby yet, we'll at least know that the call could come any day. I'd like to think the wait will be a lot easier then, but it might be even harder.

Well I've got to go finish getting ready to get in the car. Hopefully I'll have pictures to post tomorrow (and I'm praying for blood test results again!).

A very quick update (at least for me)

Today begins my internet fast. Oh, no - I'm not giving it up entirely (which should be obvious by this post, unless you assumed I wrote all my posts ahead of time and have them timed to post each day of Lent. That would have been a task!). I don't think I could handle that, not to mention it's such an important communication tool that I'd burn right through the few phone minutes I have if I ever gave up email.

No. But what I am doing is limiting my internet time to 30 minutes twice a day...which means since I already checked email and commented on some of your blogs, I have exactly six minutes left to write this post. It also means that you shouldn't expect a lot of creativity for the next several weeks! Actually, my posts may improve - they'll be more to the point and less of a stream-of-consciousness rant.

My hope is that by limiting my online time, I won't needlessly check facebook, email and blogs all day long. It feels so pointless when I do that and I just know that I could be spending time in prayer instead. Now I'll have to.

Speaking of prayer, I'm going to start praying the rosary every day and the rosary of the Seven Sorrows on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Ahh! The clock is ticking! Four minutes now...I'm going to have to have better time management when posting.

Okay, okay. I need to focus.

In cycle news is I had my peak +11 blood draw already today. Yay! It was a completely stress-free experience, praise God!! And the best part is I actually had a chance to witness, thanks to my ashes. The woman drawing my blood asked me if I knew I had something on my forehead, which allowed me to explain that they were ashes, why we get them, etc. Although she knew practically nothing about the Catholic Church (she asked if we worshipped God), she said she had always been intrigued by it. By the end of the conversation she was asking me if my parish had Sunday school, because she had two girls and they'd need to go. Can you believe that? She had me give her my parish name and website address and she thinks she might check it out. I was thrilled! But the most interesting part was that although she had no background knowledge about it, she knew she was being pulled towards it for some reason. She may never end up visiting a Catholic church, but she just might!

So that was my excitement for the day. That stuff never happens to me!

Well my time is up, so I'm signing off. I'll post again tonight if I get any of my blood draw results. Oh, and since it's peak +11 today, that means my cycle might be ending tomorrow (but no brown bleeding yet!), or at least it's on track to since my luteal phases are almost always eleven days. I hope I don't take it too hard.

Crazy pain and another blood draw

It's days like today when I am so thankful I don't work.

I woke up this morning, early, in pain. My whole body ached. I tried to go back to sleep for several hours, and was able to for the most part, but every time I woke up everything hurt. My entire back hurt, from my shoulders down to my lower back, and both my legs were in excruciating pain. My legs aching are usually a sign of a new cycle about to begin, but this time it has been much worse. And they've hurt like this, just not as bad, throughout this entire cycle. Always when I wake up.

So after trying to go back to sleep a few times, I realized it's not going to get better and lying in bed is only prolonging the agony. So I got out of bed and made it to the couch, where I quickly laid back down.

Praise God I don't have a job.

It always goes away after like half an hour. I feel much better now, just kind of out of it and dizzy when I stand up.

I'd love to know what exactly causes it. Like I said, the leg pain happens every month but not throughout the entire cycle like this and not this bad. Even last month, my first month on Tamoxifen, it wasn't this bad. I'm definitely going to tell my doctor at my next appointment.

Speaking of my doctor, I decided to call yesterday and request a peak+9 and peak+11 blood draw. I was talking with Lifehopes and she was surprised to hear I've never had that done, despite the fact that a month-long saliva test last spring showed that my progesterone dropped too quickly at the end of my luteal phase.

I called and he wasn't in, so I politely urged the nurse to see if another doctor or nurse practitioner could write it for me and fax it to my lab. She said she'd give it a try. About an hour later she called to say she'd done it. I was so excited...finally something seemed to work out easily! So I called the lab to see if they'd received the fax and they hadn't. I waited an hour. Still no fax. I asked the woman at the lab for the fax number there, and quickly realized the fax number on their website, the one I'd given my doctor's office, was wrong. I called back the office back and left a message (you always have to leave a message) with the correct number. I waited half an hour and called the lab. Still no fax. I waited another hour and called again. Still no fax.

The lab closed at four, and by this time it was after three. I was panicking. I even went into my "why can't anything be easy?" mode. I started to cry. Despite the fact that I really don't like to annoy people, I called the office back and left a second message. I waited ten minutes. Still no fax at the lab. Another ten minutes passed and it was 3:35. I called, and finally...it was there!

I had my peak+9 blood drawn, thanks be to God! And then, as I was leaving, I caught a glimpse of the fax. It said 15:01. So it looks like someone at the lab didn't see it for at least 30 minutes and my second message at my doctor's office was unnecessary. Now I really hope they're not too annoyed with me! I guess I need to remember that no one knows who I am and probably forgot about it a long time ago.

The bad news is that the order was only for peak+9, so I might have to go through everything again tomorrow. The nurse said she wanted my doctor to write the peak+11 when he came back, since it wasn't emergency to have it written yesterday. I'm hoping it all works out and they call me today or tomorrow saying they faxed it over.

So with all that going on yesterday, I didn't mention anything to the nurse about testing for the clotting disorder. I think what I'm going to do is wait for my blood test results, at least the ones from Saturday, and then set up an appointment. If I can get an appointment in the next couple of weeks, I'll wait and ask in person. But if it's like two months until I can get in, I'll ask over the phone.

Before I call, I need to give myself a pep talk. I need to tell myself that I can do this. They deal with pushy patients every day. It is not out of the ordinary for me to ask for a test. My doctor will not be offended. He is a great, prayerful person who wants to work with me on my treatment. He's the best doctor I've ever had and listens to all my questions and concerns. There is nothing to be afraid of.

Am I weird? Is it just second nature for everyone else to do what seems impossible to me? I just get so nervous, and for no apparent reason. And it has nothing to do with my doctor or his staff. It's just my hang up. I just hate the thought of being pushy or annoying to someone else. I hate the thought that, even for a second, my doctor might think that I think I know more than him.

Okay, now that you all think I'm crazy...

I'm going to go rest now. And maybe, just maybe, I'll even get my results back today from my peak+7 I had done on Saturday. If I do, I'll post them as soon as I get them!

*Update*

So my mom, who's a nurse, says leg pain can be due to a ton of things. She has often experienced leg pain associated with her cycle, she said, and also before she gets sick. She thinks the pain I described is nerve-related, rather than something to do with circulation. She said if it was circulatory, I'd feel some numbness, especially in my extremities, but I never do. My legs just ache, and it's mostly from my knees, up. She said it could be due to something moving or expanding at different times of my cycle, like my uterus, putting pressure on my nerves. I like this explanation because it's not anything seriously wrong with me.

Close call

So today was peak +7 and I was determined to have my blood drawn on the correct day this month since last cycle it was anyone's guess what day I had it drawn. Even still, I pushed it right to the last minute and at 11:35 (the clinic closed at noon) we were pulled over on the side of the road, looking up the location on Ryan's iPhone. 

We finally found it, but as we pulled up I panicked. I had forgotten the slip from my doctor. It as a twenty minute or more drive home so there was no way we would make it, but I knew I had to try. Ryan dropped me off and immediately headed back home while I ran around this oddly-layed-out medical building complex looking for what ended up being an unmarked door to the lab.

I signed in and tried to stay calm. I prayed the rosary, asking Our Lady to help us out - get Ryan home and back safely and quickly, make those ahead of me move very slowly, and make the woman working the lab have a kind heart and be sympathetic to my situation. 

Not surprisingly, my prayers were answered. With a few people ahead of me in line, my name didn't get called until shortly after twelve and by that time Ryan was on his way back, about ten minutes away. I begged the woman to wait and she agreed. She locked the door and started in on whatever she had to do before she left for the day, while I watched the parking lot through a waiting room window. He finally arrived and she drew my blood. God bless her. I hope I didn't interfere too much with her day. I know staying later than she had planned on a Saturday is probably not what she had in mind.

I say 'not surprisingly' my prayers were answered because I know how powerful the intercession of Our Lady is, but I should also point out that a lot had to go right for my blood to get drawn. It takes at least twenty minutes to get home and twenty minutes to get back. At least. Ryan did it in thirty. And the woman was so sweet, despite the fact that she probably wanted nothing more than to get home to her family on a Saturday afternoon. I have no doubt my prayers were heard. I'm not saying that this was the biggest deal ever, or that the world would have stopped if I had to wait until Monday, but it just goes to show that prayer can be a powerful tool in all situations.

And you know what? It might have been God's will for me to not get my blood drawn; we all know that we don't always hear a "yes" to our prayer requests. But when I put it in our Lady's hands, I felt calm and knew it would all work out, no matter what happened.

So now I wait. Hopefully I'll have the results by mid week.

I'm actually considering asking for an appointment with my doctor. I know for some of you that is a normal request, but for some reason I am nervous about it. He said we'd talk again after the four cycles of Tamoxifen are complete (I'm on number two right now), but even that is up in the air. I kind of got the impression that he thought my next call would be telling him I was pregnant, which is good, but I'm thinking I need a plan B.

I know some of you may have read on Sew's blog that her doctor is testing her for a clotting disorder that he suspects of causing very early miscarriage in some women. Well, I've never written about this before, but I have had some very odd circumstances that have had me thinking for more than a month now that I should get tested for this. It's not that I have a medical reason to think I have it; it's more that I keep getting outward signs (Sew's appointment being one of the most recent) that this may be an issue for me; like perhaps the Holy Spirit is pushing me to get the test. I am still not sure about this, and tend to think that perhaps this message is actually meant for someone else I know. 

Sorry if that seems cryptic. My dilemma is that I need to decide if I should bring this up to my doctor. Well, I have already decided to bring it up to him eventually, but I am starting to think I should call and set up an appointment to talk about it sooner rather than later. But what do I say? On what grounds do I ask for an appointment (I figure the blood clotting thing would probably be too confusing to explain to a nurse over the phone)? Can I just tell the nurse I have done two rounds of Tamoxifen and I want to sit down with him to talk about it?

I'm probably overreacting. Part of me thinks it would be impatient of me and I should just wait until I'm done with the Tamoxifen.

I'd love to hear what you think. 

Pain and surrendering

It's a not-super-chilly, sunny day here in the V-A. Sophie likes our new screen door, as you can see, but not as much as I do! You can also see in this picture that she is shaved right down, poor thing. She actually has been shivering and so those silly dog sweaters have been put to practical use lately!

So I had some weird pain this morning. The day started out fine - I woke up like normal and went on the internet for about twenty minutes. Then, when I got up from the computer, I began to have horrible abdominal pain. I made it to the couch and by then it had gotten a lot worse. It was kind of like the endometriosis cramps I used to have, where they are so bad that you just know they can't possibly last (although they usually did). I can sense the actual pain is moving, if you know what I mean. 

While it was at its worse, it was centered on my left side. I took four advil and got a heating pad. I don't even know what's good or bad to do during the luteal phase, but I didn't care (plus, my doctor once laughed at me for questioning whether advil was okay to take and Ryan likes to remind me of this all the time). 

Ryan was trying to ask me questions and it hurt so bad I could barely respond. The one thing I was able to tell him was that I was contemplating whether I should get dressed, brush my hair and put on some make-up (yes, I really would have) in case we needed to go to the emergency room. I was afraid it was only going to get worse and that I'd better get ready while I still could.

And then it went away, as quickly as it came.

I have no idea what this means, but I don't think it's endometriosis returning because that pain was always exclusively at the beginning of my cycle (today is cycle day 22). My gut tells me it was gas, but that bad? I know, I know...gas can be REALLY bad, but I don't have any other intestinal problems to speak of. Who knows.

Part of me is, of course, wondering if it was like a ruptured cyst, the one I have always suspected is on my left ovary, but I really am thinking gas. I just tend to suspect everything is cycle related, so I am a bit curious.

**************

In other news, I am still feeling a great sense of surrendering. I hesitate to say that I "surrendered" because that implies that it was an action I took, which I didn't. Although I will say that I haven't fought it, so I guess I am at least partially responsible for the feeling remaining for several days. The Lord knows I could resist it if I wanted to!

But who would want do that? It really is an amazing feeling. Not only do I trust the Lord's plan for me, but I am excited to see what it is! Every time I have left things up to God, it has always turned out great. And since my own track record is not as good, it only makes sense to defer to him.

I should also point out that this doesn't mean that I think now that I have surrendered my life to him, that everything will be peachy. I know this isn't necessarily true, that's part of having blind faith. Sometimes he calls us to move out of our comfort zone, to do things we never planned on doing, or to work harder than we've ever worked before. Infertility is a perfect example of this. I believe he is allowing this cross in our lives to be living witnesses of faith, so who knows what he might ask of us next. All I know is that I wouldn't turn him down if he asked me face to face, so I shouldn't turn him down no matter how the invitation arrives.

That all being said, I feel great about this. I feel light and peaceful. I feel like I am moving forward, rather than beating down a closed door (thanks, Lifehopes!). I feel like I am running on land rather than walking upstream with weights on my feet (which is how I usually feel!). And, dare I say, I feel like I might even be able to feel joy! I don't want to get carried away, though.

So no matter what is ahead, I know that if I continue to surrender to his will, I will be well equipped to handle anything that comes our way. I just feel like God has been there waiting to help me and I wasn't letting him. Now that I am, I am hoping he can get to work on my heart, to take away my selfish desire for biological children and give me a heart to love whatever child he gives us.

And, yes, I am afraid that I will wake up one day soon and will be back to my old way of thinking. I know that this could be at least partially due to hormones and when whatever it is that is making me feel up falls, I might fall too. I also know that the end of this cycle won't be easy and I will have to hold on tight while I ride out the storm. But I'm not going to worry about any of that now.

Honestly, the one negative about my new attitude is that my impatience is really being exposed. I'm like, God, I'm ready! I can't wait to see what you have in store! No...really...I want to see it now! So that will be something that I'll have to tackle with prayer. The good news is that everything seems easier now, so working on my impatience doesn't even stress me out!

Some thoughts

Just some random thoughts I wanted to post about tonight (or technically, this morning):

• I just returned from adoration where I prayed the Rosary of the Seven Sorrows. Let me just say...A-MAZ-ING (which, I noticed during my CatholicTV interview, is a word I apparently say a lot). I used the meditations and prayers from the back of Immaculee Ilibagiza's new book, Our Lady of Kibeho, and they are unbelievable. Just what I needed, they were all about suffering and really answered a lot of the questions I've been pondering lately.

• For those of you who are interested, you can watch my movie, Watch With Me, online as it is airing live. For example, I just checked and it's not currently available, but earlier tonight, when it was on at 10, I was able to watch it live on www.catholictv.com. The next time you can catch it is tomorrow (Wednesday) at 4 p.m. (check the movie's website for all air times this week). All you have to do is log onto CatholicTV's website, www.catholictv.com, and it will appear in the video window on the home page. 

• If you want to watch my interview on the CatholicTV show This Is The Day, it can be seen anytime on www.catholictv.com. Just click on "This Is The Day", and you should see my episode. 
  

• I realized tonight that CatholicTV sent out a press release about my movie airing and it was even posted here.

• So, back to infertility for a moment. I have a new attitude that I'll write more about in the coming days, but let's just say I feel a sense of surrendering. I really didn't know what it meant to surrender before this week, and the thought of it really frustrated me. But it just happened, and I'm also not sure where it came from. Well, I know exactly where it came from and it wasn't from me!  Thanks be to God for this wonderful grace. That being said, if I had read this on someone's blog while I was at a low point, it would have only made me feel worse. I'm sure I'd wonder, Why not me? I'd think it was just another case of God blessing someone and leaving me behind to suffer. All I can say is, in my humble opinion, I think we all come to it at different points in our journey and I think, at least in my case, I needed to go through the different stages of grief and acceptance before I could get to this point. I yearned to truly surrender for the past four years, and I still am not sure how long this peaceful feeling will last; because I didn't do anything to deserve it, I am afraid I could just as easily go back to feeling despair. I am just thankful for every moment right now. I will definitely write more about this topic soon.

• In cycle news, I think I ovulated on Saturday. It was a 10KL AD day, which I am very thankful for. That makes all that nauseating B6 worth it, at least! I was hoping it wasn't going to happen on Sunday, since peak +7 would have fallen on this coming Sunday when labs are closed. I like it when things work out.

• And for those of you who watch American Idol: Is there any mystery who is going to win this season? Now I'd like to take a moment to speak directly to my favorite contestant, Danny. Danny, you church music director, you...you're unbelievable, and yes, you bring me hope. You made me cry, and I will buy your album (which I hope is possibly even Christian), or, since I haven't bought an actual album since college, at least download a song on iTunes. And the only reason Simon is being hard on you is because he needs it to be at least somewhat of a contest this season. Now let's just hope America didn't get over confident for you and forget to actually vote.   

'Watch With Me' on T.V.

Just wanted to let you all know that my interview with CatholicTV is airing today. It was on at 10:30 a.m. and will be on again at 8 p.m., and will also be rebroadcast throughout the week. If you don't get CatholicTV on your cable, you can also watch it online. Last I checked, it wasn't up yet. 

Then, starting tomorrow, my movie, Watch With Me, will be airing once a day for a few days. On Wednesday, it airs at 4:00 p.m. 

CatholicTV is based in Boston and can be seen by those of you who live in New England, but it is also on in some other parts of the country as well, including Detroit. If you want to find out where CatholicTV can be seen, check out this link.

Amazing weekend

There's so much to write about from this weekend! But because I am still recovering, most of it will have to wait.

For now, I will post pictures of my AMAZING time with Lifehopes and Jeremiah 29:11 (so funny to call them both that on here once you are friends in real life!).

Me and Jeremiah 29:11.. Lifehopes was next to me, but is cropped out (not because I don't want to show her beautiful face, but for privacy reasons).


The two of us meeting Immaculee. She was so sweet! We had her sign our book of hers that we had just purchased, Our Lady of Kibeho, which is about an approved Marian apparition that took place in the 1980's in Rwanda.


This is me blurting out to her that we were both struggling with infertility and that her book gives us so much hope for answered prayer. She then told us that the main reason women in Rwanda visit the shrine is to get pregnant! Apparently, many women have prayed there for pregnancy and conceive shortly after. She told us she is taking a group there in March if we wanted to go, but I'm hoping my long distance prayers are good enough!


This is Philip Rivers, starting quarterback for the San Diego Chargers and a very strong Catholic. He and his wife even use NFP! And when he got drafted to the NFL he knew he'd have to find a way to get to Mass on Sunday, that it was non-negotiable. So now a team priest says Mass for anyone who wants to attend. Isn't that great?


I'll write more about the very inspirational conference later. I had such a great weekend and especially because I got to spend so much time with Lifehopes and Jeremiah 29:11!

"Her faith increased each time I said no"

I felt like God really spoke to me this afternoon when I was driving in the car on my way to the mall. I was listening to EWTN's daily Mass on the radio, though, so it wasn't too much of a stretch.

Today's Gospel reading was about the woman who begged Jesus to drive the demon out of her daughter. Jesus famously said to her, "Let the children be fed first. For it is not right to take the food of the children and throw it to the dogs."

During the homily, the priest pointed out that Matthew offers a longer version of this story, revealing more detail about how the woman had asked for this several times.

The priest then started talking about how Jesus took on a very different tone with this woman, one that seemingly lacked compassion. He then said that Mother Angelica used to tell a story of how once, when she was meditating on this Gospel passage, she asked Jesus why he spoke this way to the woman.

This, according to the priest, is what Christ told Mother Angelica:

"Yes, I knew this woman's heart, her deep faith and her compassion, but I wanted others to see it. I wanted her to be an example to all mankind of her deep humility and her perseverance. Even the rebuff she accepted in love. Even when she did not understand, she kept asking and she kept loving. Her faith increased each time I said no."

That hit me like a ton of bricks (so much so that once I stopped the car I rewound the program [I have Sirius] and scribbled down exactly what Christ said to her on my grocery list).

I felt like all my suffering was crystallized in that moment. It's all right there.

First, Christ knows my heart. He hears me asking day after day, month after month. If it were as simple as answering the prayers of those who are faithful, he'd have already granted me mine. But it's not that simple. Sometimes Christ uses us as an example to the world. In this case, I believe he is using me as an example of someone who is staying faithful, despite the obvious draw to become pregnant through IVF. Ours is a stance few take, so it makes complete sense that Christ would need us (and when you look at it that way, doesn't it seem completely worthwhile? Can't you just picture Christ asking us personally? If that were to happen, of course we'd say yes!).

But that's not all. This also reminds me that just because I am hearing a 'no' from God each month, that doesn't mean he isn't listening. In fact, we are called to grow in our faith every time we hear a 'no.' We're not supposed to lose faith, or stay stagnant in our faith. No. Every time we start a new cycle, we are actually called to increase our faith, even when we do not understand (that's the story of my life!).

That's not easy. Some months it's all I can do to not scream at God, and yet I am supposed to love him more? 

You know what, though? I knew this was true even before I heard it on the radio today. We all know it. I know that I have been in denial about it, because it's difficult and uncomfortable. It goes against the way we are conditioned to react to negative situations.

I just can't help but think that if Christ had said this to me, loud and clear in a human voice coming from the clouds, I would change my life that very instant. How could I not? I'd look at infertility in an entirely different light. I would believe undoubtedly that he had knowingly permitted me to suffer infertility for the benefit of not only my soul, but the souls of others, by becoming an example of faith and perseverance to the world. And it would be amazing!

But then I remind myself, he IS saying that! And I shouldn't need a personalized message for it to sink in! (Even though he was kind enough to tell it to Mother Angelica, so she could share it with us.)

I'm going to try to remember this. Every time my prayers seemed to go unanswered, or every time I seem to get a 'no', I am going to try my hardest to love Christ more, and I'm going to picture him asking me, personally, to do this for him. I'm never going to stop asking, and I'm never going to stop being an example of faith to the world. The woman eventually had her prayer answered and the demons driven out of her daughter, but Christ's hesitation to do so had a deep purpose. I think it does for all of us, too.

Putting on a happy face

I have a dilemma. And to make matters worse, I basically just wrote a whole post about it in my head at adoration, but now I feel totally uninspired to write it out.

I don't know if any of you are dealing with anything like this, but here goes.

So lately I have been thinking about my outward appearance to the world. Inside, I am despairing practically all the time. Maybe that is an exaggeration, but what I mean is my world, on a whole, is one of sadness due to infertility. Not that I am unable to laugh or have any fun - I do all the time - but on a large scale, it is difficult for me to find real joy, and any happiness I do experience is fleeting.

That being said, I don't think anyone in my life, except for my husband and those of you who read this blog, would know this. I put on a smile to the world and hopefully come off as pretty normal. I actually find this kind of ironic, because long ago I gave up any notions of being fake. I found it exhausting to even watch others pretend to be someone they're not, and knew I was way too lazy to ever put up a similar front. Now, though, I feel like God actually wills for me to pretend; not to be fake, necessarily, but to smile through my suffering when smiling is the last thing I feel like doing.

I'm reading a book about Mother Theresa's letters at the moment, and in them she talks about this very thing - about appearing outwardly happy despite her internal suffering - and I know many saints did the same. And even though it's about fasting, I always go back to the Holy Week reading when Jesus reminds his disciples to wash their face so as not to give the world the impression that they are enduring hardship.

And, like I said, I do try to do this most of the time. My dilemma, though, is whether I am doing it enough. Yes, 99% of the people who know me have no idea that infertility has ruined my life, but I am now wondering if I should be letting anyone know this truth. Does God want me to show my unhappiness to my husband, or I am supposed to put on a happy face for him, too? And what about this blog? Being able to vent here has helped me tremendously and I'd also like to think that my honesty has been helpful to some who read it, but, ultimately, is it just me complaining? Does God want me to put on a happy face to everyone, or are we allowed a couple exceptions?

I want to do what is best and what would please God. I know it doesn't please God for me to despair, but what is despair? I think it comes in different forms. One form is the when I cry and feel sorry for myself, or get jealous or angry. But another form is the overarching sadness that permeates my life due to my inability to conceive. In the first example, it is my reaction and I have control over it. But in the second example I believe it is something that is happening to me.

The first form of despair I can work on, and I am - I have tried to implement a new, positive attitude and it has worked wonders. The second form, though, is where I am more of a victim. So how am I supposed to work on that? That's where I start feeling really helpless. I know this permeating sadness is affecting all facets of my life, including my relationships, but if it is not my fault, how much culpability do I have?

And, then again, maybe that is a cop out. Maybe I am wrong to think that it is just happening to me. Maybe we have control over everything we feel and experience and maybe I could fix my feelings if I were stronger.

But then I go back to the idea that there are millions of women just like me going through the exact same emotions as I am. I am hardly original, which, to me, shows that this is not just some random gut reaction I am having. The emotionally weak, the strong, the smart, the crazy...we all experience practically the same thing. I tend to think that is evidence that this is beyond our control.

But even if that is true, does that change my original question? Should I still be putting on a happy face to my husband and those closest to me?

I really don't know what to do. One argument against it is that I am supposed to be honest to my husband and if I'm not, it could ultimately hurt our relationship in the long run. But I just feel so horrible for burdening him with all of this, and I really don't think that men are all that adept at understanding this anyways (sorry, men). I don't mean that in a bad way; they just process everything so differently from us and it's probably hard for them to not take offense at our constant unhappiness.

I prayed about it at adoration and I'm going to keep praying. I rarely feel like I get answers, though, so I don't know if I'll ever know (and that is not a knock on God - I am wondering lately if his apparent silence in my life is actually him trying to teach me to discern for myself or something. I'm not sure). And don't worry, I am not strung out or upset about this. I just am wondering if God is calling me to change this about my life. So I'll just keep thinking about it and, in the meantime, I'd love to know your thoughts.

Cycle day 12

I feel so out of it lately! Achy legs, exhaustion, abdominal pains on both sides.

I'd love to know what is causing every last symptom. That's how I am with everything. I like to know why things are happening, and it bugs me that I understand so very little about all of this. I'm not worried about what they mean, I just want to know.

So I am left to just hope that these are all good signs. I know the six days of peak-type mucus I've had so far is a good sign, so that's something to focus on.

Really, though, I'm trying not to focus on anything except relaxing. My only contribution to this process - other than taking my pills on time - is to do my best to provide a stress-free environment for my follicle to grow and prosper. So I've decided in order to do this to the best of my ability, I must take it easy, not worry and watch lots of T.V. on the couch. I'm a pro at the T.V. part, but the not worrying might be a bit more difficult. I'm going to give it a shot though!

Offering it up

So I am trying out a new coping mechanism.

For a while now, I have been deeply, deeply bothered by some things - things Catholics do that are not in accordance with the Church, or really, anything anyone does that could cause the Lord sorrow. For example, anything from the president promoting abortion to people taking the Eucharist who should not be taking it.

Now, I know I shouldn't go around judging others, and every time I pray for people I see doing wrong, I always make a point to pray for myself and my own sins first. I know I am not perfect, not even close, but it doesn't change the fact that my heart breaks when I see people making mistakes. Not only do I feel pain for Christ because I know he longs for these souls, but I feel pain for the people themselves. For whatever reason, they are on my heart and I feel called to pray for them.

At the same time, I know that with everything I need to fix within myself, I shouldn't be wasting time pointing the finger at others. But lately, I just haven't been able to shake my sadness for all these people. I wrestle with it internally and I feel like it is eating away at me because there is nothing I can do about it. Yes, I pray, but it just doesn't feel like enough. I mean, the world is going to hell in a hand basket! Do any of us feel better after praying for, say, an end to abortion? As long as it's still going on, you never feel good about it.

So, the other day I had an epiphany. All of a sudden, I felt strongly that I needed to combine the two issues I am currently struggling with: My desire to "save" these people who I see sinning against the Eucharist, and my infertility. So I decided that whenever I feel depressed about my current inability to procreate, I will offer up my suffering for all those who are causing our Lord sorrow in this way.

I am actually pretty hopeful about this. Usually I know right away if something will work, and I really feel like this will. I'll let you know how it goes.

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In cycle news, it's cycle day 10. I saw some peak-type mucus rather early this cycle (days six through eight), but then yesterday was a 6PC day (pasty, cloudy). Then, when I spent most of the day without mucus today, I was starting to get concerned that something weird was going on. A bunch of good mucus days early, then two dry days? But tonight my cervix came through and I saw some 10 C/K L (stretchy, cloudy-clear, lubricative). There's one less thing to worry about, I guess. Maybe I'll actually ovulate at a normal time this cycle! If I end up having eight days of mucus (which I believe is a really good amount), then that means I'm gearing up for a cycle day 14 peak day! Okay...I'm not getting all worked up about this. I know I cannot plan out my cycle, no matter how hard I try!

Physically, I am EXHAUSTED today. It's one of those days when every time I stand up, I have to be prepared to black out a little and nearly fall over. Nice, right? And while two days ago I wanted to eat everything I could get my hands on, today and yesterday I have had to force myself to eat. I just know that is related to hormones.

Emotionally, I am feeling great. Today was such beautiful weather, that you couldn't help but be in a good mood. And we had a new storm door installed yesterday, so I was able to leave the main door open today, which meant the living room was flooded with light. And since it's one of those doors where you can move the screen up and down, I used the screen all day and it just felt like Spring! I just love thinking about a new season being here. It's just something different, you know? And different is exactly what I need.

We're online!

Our picture and birth parent letter has been posted on the adoption agency's web site! We're so excited. It just seems a little more real knowing it's up there, despite the fact that our social worker said few birth mothers, if any, pick a family from the site.

I was going to post the link, but I am paranoid. In case, by some small chance, someone monitors their website traffic, I don't want them to see a sudden spike in visitors coming from my blog. Not that I have anything to hide, but I'd like to feel free to post about my thoughts, worries and fears about adoption without thinking our social worker might be reading it. Yes, I am paranoid, because there would have to be quite the sequence of events to have it get to that point, and hopefully our social worker would think my thoughts are fairly normal anyways. I hope.

So if you want to see it, just google the name of our agency: Chil.dren's Ho.me Soc.iety of Vir.gin.ia, then click on 'adoption,' then 'birth parents' and then 'waiting families.'

Oh, and then you have to scroll WAY down.

Hopefully over the next several months the number of families ahead of us will shrink and we'll move up the list. You better believe I'll be checking it constantly! My friend, who is waiting with the same agency (and is one half of one of the couples ahead of us on list of pictures. I won't say which one, but you can probably figure it out), said she was told no new birth mothers came in last month. From now on I am going to step up my prayers for all the expectant mothers in my state (the agency has three offices in different parts of VA) who are trying to figure out what to do with their babies. Please, God, lead them to our adoption agency, rather than the abortion clinic!

Some thoughts

I can't thank you enough for all your great advice on my last post and my endless questions. I have calmed down completely about the progesterone issue. I clearly had it drawn late, and I have never once been told I have low progesterone, so I am not concerned. It is in God's hands, so my worrying does no good anyways!

I am relaxing this afternoon. I cleaned this morning, planned out meals for the next week-and-a-half and made a grocery list. Does anyone love doing that as much as I do? (The meal planning, not cleaning!) I love it and I am so thankful that I can put so much time into it, since it is one of my primary duties. I know those of you with jobs have to juggle it along with everything else, so it is probably more stressful under those circumstances. I have so much respect for those of you who do it all; we ate a lot of frozen meals in a bag when I worked full time. I am just so thankful that it is something I can now focus on and enjoy.

So I have finished taking my Tamoxifen this cycle. Other than what might have been one hot flash in the middle of the night on cycle day four, I had no side effects at all, including no abdominal pain this time (last cycle I had some pain on the left side while taking it). I also have continued to see peak-type mucus, which I guess is good. I find it somewhat interesting that I didn't work my way up to peak-type mucus this time and just started it right away on cycle day six. I am not going to worry about it, though. Having good quality mucus early is better than having hardly any good quality mucus at all.

Emotionally, I am doing well. I have been trying to reflect on how I handled starting a new cycle last week. I so desperately wanted to ride out the storm with my hope and faith in tact, and, to be honest, I'm not really sure how I did. I mean, it wasn't a normal cycle. I was at my parents' house for my grandmother's sudden funeral. Ryan wasn't with me and I couldn't really react as I normally would. I definitely despaired and the main thought racing through my mind at my lowest point was the usual, I just can't do this anymore (I know, that thought is so useless because, really, what does it mean? But in the moment it is so real. It hurts so badly and I can't imagine myself enduring that pain for years to come). Yes, I believe that thought is a sign of despair, but it was also a prayer. I was saying it to God and while it may have shown weakness, I don't believe it shows a complete lack of faith. It may show a momentary lack of trust in his ultimate plan for me, but it was also me being honest to my Father in a time of deep pain. Asking him to rescue us is, in itself, a sign of our faith.

I am not trying to pat myself on the back; quite the contrary - I think I could have reacted so much better than I did. And, if God wills, I will have another chance in a few weeks to redeem myself and ride out the storm a little better (every time I write that I can't help but picture the scene from last night's episode of Lost, when they were all padding in the pouring rain). 

During my grandmother's funeral Mass on Saturday, I began to think about how the grief we suffer each cycle is similar to how we mourn the passing of a loved one. We are, on some scale, mourning a monthly death - the death of a dream and, in a way, the death of a child we were not given to carry that month. We probably even go through the stages of grief in a sped-up fashion (shock, pain, anger, depression, etc.). It occurred to me during that Mass that through this monthly "death," we are able to uniquely unite ourselves to Christ's experience on Calvary. We are given a glimpse - an opportunity - to feel an ounce of his pain.

I think that is a gift. It is also a burden, because we all know it isn't easy. And the unimaginable pain that Christ experienced on the cross was also a burden on him, to say the least. But I have to bear the weight of this, just as Christ did, and find joy in knowing that I have been given a little peak into the heart of the one I love so much.

And perhaps experiencing an ounce of his pain will remind me to remain faithful to him. I have a novena that talks about the suffering Christ experienced on the cross for all the lukewarm souls. I pray that I am never again one of those people.

So that's what I am thinking about today. I am also about to go lay down because I just started getting dizzy. Did I mentioned I am so blessed to be a stay at home wife? (I spent many a time laying on the floor of offices when I didn't feel well). Before I do that, though, I will check the adoption agency's website for the tenth time today to see if our picture is up yet.

I also just wanted to add that a few minutes ago I found out that my youngest sister will lose her teaching job after this year. Please say some prayers for her if you get a chance.

Cycle news

I am home, but I just haven't been in the mood for writing much lately. I'm still decompressing from last week, I think. I am on cycle day seven and will take my last dose of Tamoxifen this evening. Today I had some peak-type mucus, which I found interesting. It was 8 C/K L, or stretchy, cloudy-clear and lubricative. I'm taking it as a good sign that perhaps the B6 is working this time around and I will have a normal amount of mucus throughout the next week. And I'm really praying I ovulate before day 22, like last time. Last cycle was a couple steps backwards.

I haven't taken my temperature yet this cycle and I may or may not continue like this. I just feel a little tired of it all. Not in a giving-up sort of way, but just in a I-am-too-lazy-to-worry-about-it-this-month way. I'm just mentally tired and need a break. And, interestingly enough, letting go of some of the worry can only help my chances.

With that being said, I do have one thing I have been worrying about. I am perplexed as to how Jeremiah 29:11's doctor decided her progesterone level was indicative of a need for prometrium, while my doctor decided my progesterone - the exact same progesterone level as Jeremiah 29:11, mind you - was "excellent." And we go to the same practice! I just don't know what to think. Is there a differing of opinion among doctors on what is low? But to the point that he'd call mine "excellent"? I guess it doesn't really matter. I have decided to wait until I get my peak +7 results from this cycle, and then, if the progesterone is roughly the same, I will ask questions.

The other possibility is that I had the blood work done too late this cycle. I knew my Creighton peak day probably wasn't anywhere near the day of my ovulation. And that is especially evident now because if the day I had my blood drawn truly was peak +7, then my luteal phase was only nine days. But my luteal phase has never been that short; it is always 11 or 12 days. But, if my practitioner was correct to assume my peak day was actually two days earlier, that would mean my luteal phase was 11 days and (are you following this?) that my peak +7 draw was actually a peak +9 draw. So, that being said, is that better or worse news that my progesterone was 8.21 on peak +9? Obviously we know now that I wasn't pregnant at the time, so if we assume it had been higher and had dropped by the day of the draw (two days before my cycle ended), is that too early for it to start dropping?

Sorry if that is confusing. The fact that it is so hard to explain means I need to stop thinking about all of this. Who cares, right? It is up to God if and when I conceive. It is a waste of time for me to pretend I have anything to do with it. I know, I can take care of my health, lose weight and take my medication, but worrying about test results isn't going to change them. Worrying only hurts my chances.

Right now I am stalking the agency's website to see when our picture and birth parent letter go up. Ahhh...adoption is a post for another time. I'm still conflicted and I'm worried it isn't going to change anything. It's great that I have been able to separate the two (adoption and infertility) in my mind, but I am realizing that they are two separate things and adoption isn't going to solve the pains of infertility. But, like I said, that's a post for another time.

Now I need to go watch lots of great television (Big Love, Syracuse basketball, American Idol and Lost) with my husband. What a perfect night!

Heading home

Well I'm leaving tomorrow morning to head back home. It's been a long week and I miss my husband (although I did get to see him Saturday 4:45 a.m. through Sunday 5 a.m. He was so great and drove through the night to get here for the funeral), but I always hate leaving.

The funeral was beautiful. As everyone said all weekend, my grandmother would have loved it. She was impressed by everything, and the wake and the Mass would have impressed her. The flowers, my video, everyone who traveled from far and wide to be there, she would have thought it was all so amazing. And, speaking of that, I was thinking today about how when some people die and I try to picture them in heaven, I can't. Not that they aren't good people, but they may be the type of person you just cannot picture worshipping at the feet of God. I'm sure they do it, but it's just hard to picture, you know? But I can totally picture my grandmother. When she got to heaven I'm sure she was thoroughly blown away. She was just like that.

My grandfather is staying with my parents now and he has a lot of good moments but also some sad moments, which is to be expected. He is also talking more than any of us have ever heard him talk before, so that's good. Tonight my mom and I watched the Super Bowl with him and it was actually a lot of fun. He was really into it, which surprised us both. At one point, though, when he was getting sad and asking us why someone who did so much good was taken from him, we started talking to him about God and prayer, and he was very receptive. He said he prays all the time, and so we talked to him about my grandmother being in heaven and watching over him and even interceding for him. That seemed to make him feel a little bit better, which I thought was a great sign. Hopefully his faith can give him comfort in the days ahead.

Speaking of my mom, I told her about my blog tonight (hi, Mom!). I'm so glad I did! I always knew I'd be open about it, and I've kind of made the transition to openness over the last year. At first I added a picture, talked about where I lived, started using my husband's name and even, at times, using my own uniquely-spelled name (which is definitely not google-proof). Then my in-laws discovered it and when that turned out to be such a blessing, I knew I'd soon tell my family as well. I know complete openness is not for everyone, or varying degrees of it might work for you, but this is what I have felt called to do. And now I feel so liberated!

In other news, we got our approval letter from the adoption agency! Ryan got home this afternoon from his trip and after a couple hours finally called me and then after talking for several minutes finally mentioned that when he got the mail it was in there. I'm like, couldn't you have led with that? We're not officially on the list yet because we have to sign a paper and drop it off, but we'll do that on Tuesday.

Alright, I've got to go to bed. I'm getting up at seven, which is pretty early for me, and I have a long trip ahead.