"Her faith increased each time I said no"

I felt like God really spoke to me this afternoon when I was driving in the car on my way to the mall. I was listening to EWTN's daily Mass on the radio, though, so it wasn't too much of a stretch.

Today's Gospel reading was about the woman who begged Jesus to drive the demon out of her daughter. Jesus famously said to her, "Let the children be fed first. For it is not right to take the food of the children and throw it to the dogs."

During the homily, the priest pointed out that Matthew offers a longer version of this story, revealing more detail about how the woman had asked for this several times.

The priest then started talking about how Jesus took on a very different tone with this woman, one that seemingly lacked compassion. He then said that Mother Angelica used to tell a story of how once, when she was meditating on this Gospel passage, she asked Jesus why he spoke this way to the woman.

This, according to the priest, is what Christ told Mother Angelica:

"Yes, I knew this woman's heart, her deep faith and her compassion, but I wanted others to see it. I wanted her to be an example to all mankind of her deep humility and her perseverance. Even the rebuff she accepted in love. Even when she did not understand, she kept asking and she kept loving. Her faith increased each time I said no."

That hit me like a ton of bricks (so much so that once I stopped the car I rewound the program [I have Sirius] and scribbled down exactly what Christ said to her on my grocery list).

I felt like all my suffering was crystallized in that moment. It's all right there.

First, Christ knows my heart. He hears me asking day after day, month after month. If it were as simple as answering the prayers of those who are faithful, he'd have already granted me mine. But it's not that simple. Sometimes Christ uses us as an example to the world. In this case, I believe he is using me as an example of someone who is staying faithful, despite the obvious draw to become pregnant through IVF. Ours is a stance few take, so it makes complete sense that Christ would need us (and when you look at it that way, doesn't it seem completely worthwhile? Can't you just picture Christ asking us personally? If that were to happen, of course we'd say yes!).

But that's not all. This also reminds me that just because I am hearing a 'no' from God each month, that doesn't mean he isn't listening. In fact, we are called to grow in our faith every time we hear a 'no.' We're not supposed to lose faith, or stay stagnant in our faith. No. Every time we start a new cycle, we are actually called to increase our faith, even when we do not understand (that's the story of my life!).

That's not easy. Some months it's all I can do to not scream at God, and yet I am supposed to love him more? 

You know what, though? I knew this was true even before I heard it on the radio today. We all know it. I know that I have been in denial about it, because it's difficult and uncomfortable. It goes against the way we are conditioned to react to negative situations.

I just can't help but think that if Christ had said this to me, loud and clear in a human voice coming from the clouds, I would change my life that very instant. How could I not? I'd look at infertility in an entirely different light. I would believe undoubtedly that he had knowingly permitted me to suffer infertility for the benefit of not only my soul, but the souls of others, by becoming an example of faith and perseverance to the world. And it would be amazing!

But then I remind myself, he IS saying that! And I shouldn't need a personalized message for it to sink in! (Even though he was kind enough to tell it to Mother Angelica, so she could share it with us.)

I'm going to try to remember this. Every time my prayers seemed to go unanswered, or every time I seem to get a 'no', I am going to try my hardest to love Christ more, and I'm going to picture him asking me, personally, to do this for him. I'm never going to stop asking, and I'm never going to stop being an example of faith to the world. The woman eventually had her prayer answered and the demons driven out of her daughter, but Christ's hesitation to do so had a deep purpose. I think it does for all of us, too.

Putting on a happy face

I have a dilemma. And to make matters worse, I basically just wrote a whole post about it in my head at adoration, but now I feel totally uninspired to write it out.

I don't know if any of you are dealing with anything like this, but here goes.

So lately I have been thinking about my outward appearance to the world. Inside, I am despairing practically all the time. Maybe that is an exaggeration, but what I mean is my world, on a whole, is one of sadness due to infertility. Not that I am unable to laugh or have any fun - I do all the time - but on a large scale, it is difficult for me to find real joy, and any happiness I do experience is fleeting.

That being said, I don't think anyone in my life, except for my husband and those of you who read this blog, would know this. I put on a smile to the world and hopefully come off as pretty normal. I actually find this kind of ironic, because long ago I gave up any notions of being fake. I found it exhausting to even watch others pretend to be someone they're not, and knew I was way too lazy to ever put up a similar front. Now, though, I feel like God actually wills for me to pretend; not to be fake, necessarily, but to smile through my suffering when smiling is the last thing I feel like doing.

I'm reading a book about Mother Theresa's letters at the moment, and in them she talks about this very thing - about appearing outwardly happy despite her internal suffering - and I know many saints did the same. And even though it's about fasting, I always go back to the Holy Week reading when Jesus reminds his disciples to wash their face so as not to give the world the impression that they are enduring hardship.

And, like I said, I do try to do this most of the time. My dilemma, though, is whether I am doing it enough. Yes, 99% of the people who know me have no idea that infertility has ruined my life, but I am now wondering if I should be letting anyone know this truth. Does God want me to show my unhappiness to my husband, or I am supposed to put on a happy face for him, too? And what about this blog? Being able to vent here has helped me tremendously and I'd also like to think that my honesty has been helpful to some who read it, but, ultimately, is it just me complaining? Does God want me to put on a happy face to everyone, or are we allowed a couple exceptions?

I want to do what is best and what would please God. I know it doesn't please God for me to despair, but what is despair? I think it comes in different forms. One form is the when I cry and feel sorry for myself, or get jealous or angry. But another form is the overarching sadness that permeates my life due to my inability to conceive. In the first example, it is my reaction and I have control over it. But in the second example I believe it is something that is happening to me.

The first form of despair I can work on, and I am - I have tried to implement a new, positive attitude and it has worked wonders. The second form, though, is where I am more of a victim. So how am I supposed to work on that? That's where I start feeling really helpless. I know this permeating sadness is affecting all facets of my life, including my relationships, but if it is not my fault, how much culpability do I have?

And, then again, maybe that is a cop out. Maybe I am wrong to think that it is just happening to me. Maybe we have control over everything we feel and experience and maybe I could fix my feelings if I were stronger.

But then I go back to the idea that there are millions of women just like me going through the exact same emotions as I am. I am hardly original, which, to me, shows that this is not just some random gut reaction I am having. The emotionally weak, the strong, the smart, the crazy...we all experience practically the same thing. I tend to think that is evidence that this is beyond our control.

But even if that is true, does that change my original question? Should I still be putting on a happy face to my husband and those closest to me?

I really don't know what to do. One argument against it is that I am supposed to be honest to my husband and if I'm not, it could ultimately hurt our relationship in the long run. But I just feel so horrible for burdening him with all of this, and I really don't think that men are all that adept at understanding this anyways (sorry, men). I don't mean that in a bad way; they just process everything so differently from us and it's probably hard for them to not take offense at our constant unhappiness.

I prayed about it at adoration and I'm going to keep praying. I rarely feel like I get answers, though, so I don't know if I'll ever know (and that is not a knock on God - I am wondering lately if his apparent silence in my life is actually him trying to teach me to discern for myself or something. I'm not sure). And don't worry, I am not strung out or upset about this. I just am wondering if God is calling me to change this about my life. So I'll just keep thinking about it and, in the meantime, I'd love to know your thoughts.

Some thoughts

I can't thank you enough for all your great advice on my last post and my endless questions. I have calmed down completely about the progesterone issue. I clearly had it drawn late, and I have never once been told I have low progesterone, so I am not concerned. It is in God's hands, so my worrying does no good anyways!

I am relaxing this afternoon. I cleaned this morning, planned out meals for the next week-and-a-half and made a grocery list. Does anyone love doing that as much as I do? (The meal planning, not cleaning!) I love it and I am so thankful that I can put so much time into it, since it is one of my primary duties. I know those of you with jobs have to juggle it along with everything else, so it is probably more stressful under those circumstances. I have so much respect for those of you who do it all; we ate a lot of frozen meals in a bag when I worked full time. I am just so thankful that it is something I can now focus on and enjoy.

So I have finished taking my Tamoxifen this cycle. Other than what might have been one hot flash in the middle of the night on cycle day four, I had no side effects at all, including no abdominal pain this time (last cycle I had some pain on the left side while taking it). I also have continued to see peak-type mucus, which I guess is good. I find it somewhat interesting that I didn't work my way up to peak-type mucus this time and just started it right away on cycle day six. I am not going to worry about it, though. Having good quality mucus early is better than having hardly any good quality mucus at all.

Emotionally, I am doing well. I have been trying to reflect on how I handled starting a new cycle last week. I so desperately wanted to ride out the storm with my hope and faith in tact, and, to be honest, I'm not really sure how I did. I mean, it wasn't a normal cycle. I was at my parents' house for my grandmother's sudden funeral. Ryan wasn't with me and I couldn't really react as I normally would. I definitely despaired and the main thought racing through my mind at my lowest point was the usual, I just can't do this anymore (I know, that thought is so useless because, really, what does it mean? But in the moment it is so real. It hurts so badly and I can't imagine myself enduring that pain for years to come). Yes, I believe that thought is a sign of despair, but it was also a prayer. I was saying it to God and while it may have shown weakness, I don't believe it shows a complete lack of faith. It may show a momentary lack of trust in his ultimate plan for me, but it was also me being honest to my Father in a time of deep pain. Asking him to rescue us is, in itself, a sign of our faith.

I am not trying to pat myself on the back; quite the contrary - I think I could have reacted so much better than I did. And, if God wills, I will have another chance in a few weeks to redeem myself and ride out the storm a little better (every time I write that I can't help but picture the scene from last night's episode of Lost, when they were all padding in the pouring rain). 

During my grandmother's funeral Mass on Saturday, I began to think about how the grief we suffer each cycle is similar to how we mourn the passing of a loved one. We are, on some scale, mourning a monthly death - the death of a dream and, in a way, the death of a child we were not given to carry that month. We probably even go through the stages of grief in a sped-up fashion (shock, pain, anger, depression, etc.). It occurred to me during that Mass that through this monthly "death," we are able to uniquely unite ourselves to Christ's experience on Calvary. We are given a glimpse - an opportunity - to feel an ounce of his pain.

I think that is a gift. It is also a burden, because we all know it isn't easy. And the unimaginable pain that Christ experienced on the cross was also a burden on him, to say the least. But I have to bear the weight of this, just as Christ did, and find joy in knowing that I have been given a little peak into the heart of the one I love so much.

And perhaps experiencing an ounce of his pain will remind me to remain faithful to him. I have a novena that talks about the suffering Christ experienced on the cross for all the lukewarm souls. I pray that I am never again one of those people.

So that's what I am thinking about today. I am also about to go lay down because I just started getting dizzy. Did I mentioned I am so blessed to be a stay at home wife? (I spent many a time laying on the floor of offices when I didn't feel well). Before I do that, though, I will check the adoption agency's website for the tenth time today to see if our picture is up yet.

I also just wanted to add that a few minutes ago I found out that my youngest sister will lose her teaching job after this year. Please say some prayers for her if you get a chance.

Cycle news

I am home, but I just haven't been in the mood for writing much lately. I'm still decompressing from last week, I think. I am on cycle day seven and will take my last dose of Tamoxifen this evening. Today I had some peak-type mucus, which I found interesting. It was 8 C/K L, or stretchy, cloudy-clear and lubricative. I'm taking it as a good sign that perhaps the B6 is working this time around and I will have a normal amount of mucus throughout the next week. And I'm really praying I ovulate before day 22, like last time. Last cycle was a couple steps backwards.

I haven't taken my temperature yet this cycle and I may or may not continue like this. I just feel a little tired of it all. Not in a giving-up sort of way, but just in a I-am-too-lazy-to-worry-about-it-this-month way. I'm just mentally tired and need a break. And, interestingly enough, letting go of some of the worry can only help my chances.

With that being said, I do have one thing I have been worrying about. I am perplexed as to how Jeremiah 29:11's doctor decided her progesterone level was indicative of a need for prometrium, while my doctor decided my progesterone - the exact same progesterone level as Jeremiah 29:11, mind you - was "excellent." And we go to the same practice! I just don't know what to think. Is there a differing of opinion among doctors on what is low? But to the point that he'd call mine "excellent"? I guess it doesn't really matter. I have decided to wait until I get my peak +7 results from this cycle, and then, if the progesterone is roughly the same, I will ask questions.

The other possibility is that I had the blood work done too late this cycle. I knew my Creighton peak day probably wasn't anywhere near the day of my ovulation. And that is especially evident now because if the day I had my blood drawn truly was peak +7, then my luteal phase was only nine days. But my luteal phase has never been that short; it is always 11 or 12 days. But, if my practitioner was correct to assume my peak day was actually two days earlier, that would mean my luteal phase was 11 days and (are you following this?) that my peak +7 draw was actually a peak +9 draw. So, that being said, is that better or worse news that my progesterone was 8.21 on peak +9? Obviously we know now that I wasn't pregnant at the time, so if we assume it had been higher and had dropped by the day of the draw (two days before my cycle ended), is that too early for it to start dropping?

Sorry if that is confusing. The fact that it is so hard to explain means I need to stop thinking about all of this. Who cares, right? It is up to God if and when I conceive. It is a waste of time for me to pretend I have anything to do with it. I know, I can take care of my health, lose weight and take my medication, but worrying about test results isn't going to change them. Worrying only hurts my chances.

Right now I am stalking the agency's website to see when our picture and birth parent letter go up. Ahhh...adoption is a post for another time. I'm still conflicted and I'm worried it isn't going to change anything. It's great that I have been able to separate the two (adoption and infertility) in my mind, but I am realizing that they are two separate things and adoption isn't going to solve the pains of infertility. But, like I said, that's a post for another time.

Now I need to go watch lots of great television (Big Love, Syracuse basketball, American Idol and Lost) with my husband. What a perfect night!

Going nuts

I had a mini-breakdown tonight. I'm just scared that something else is really wrong, and I don't know enough about all of this to calm myself down. I'm hoping I can blame my craziness on the ovulation drug. Didn't some of you say that can happen?

I keep googling terms, looking for something, anything, to shed light on my temp rising four days before my peak mucus day. So far, all I've found is that maybe it's caused by too much estrogen, or not enough progesterone. I don't know, honestly! It's all over my head. I shouldn't read that stuff. I should turn my computer off!

I just can't imagine why I was starting to have somewhat normal cycles and then I take Tamoxifen and things get wacky again. And I know Creighton doesn't like us to chart our temps, but millions of women chart that way every day, so it can't be totally wrong. One method (bbt) would say I ovulated on or before Thursday, while the other method (Creighton) says I may be ovulating today or may ovulate in the future. I just don't understand how there could be that much discrepancy between the two. One has to be wrong. Either something caused my temp to rise early prior to ovulation, or something is causing me to produce mucus after ovulation.

I am sad tonight and I have cried, and it doesn't help that I am all alone, with lots of time to think. But, despite my sadness, I am still trusting God. I think where I am going wrong , though, is that I am allowing the questions and the confusion to overwhelm me. I can't stop worrying about it, and that is not of God. I am going to pray now, before I go to sleep, and try to come to terms with that.

I will be handing in the remaining parts of my home study tomorrow (Monday). I don't know if that will bring with it more happiness or more sadness. I'll let you know tomorrow.

Hanging in there

I am really trying to be good. The old me would be depressed right now, but the new, positive me is just going with the flow. I am trusting in the Lord and I am trying to see the big picture. This isn't a month-by-month thing, as much as it seems like it is to us. God is going to give us a baby, we just need to trust him and look to the future.

I am doing well, though. I do feel the inclination to be sad about our possibly missed opportunity this cycle, but it's kind of just like a bad habit, if you know what I mean. I am used to being sad about these things, so my mind easily falls into that mode of thinking. My mind wants to go there, and it tries to, but I'm finding that my heart just isn't sad, so I don't give into it. The few times I have complained (one of those was to my husband late last night when he had to get up early to leave for his inauguration trip...sorry!), I thought I wanted to cry and moan about it, but I didn't really need to, which surprised me.

These are all good signs, and I am thankful to God that he is helping me to stay positive. It is truly an answer to prayer.

I am probably also overreacting a little bit, because it's not going to be a total waste (unless I see more mucus today, which I haven't yet, thankfully). If yesterday was my peak day, then we made use of that day and the several days leading up to it.

I also feel fine, so far, about being alone. I usually get lonely very easily, but I'm just going to relax and do fun things to lift my spirits - like getting Chinese food tonight (making my own Bas.mati rice, of course!) and I'm already planning to get my favorite sugar-free sundae on Tuesday, the dreaded inauguration day. I told Ryan that I am treating that day like day one of my cycle, and already planning how I will drown my sorrows!

Seriously, though, I am in awe that God has provided me with this positive attitude and that it is still sticking around, despite recent developments that would have had me wallowing in sadness even just one month ago. I even pictured a positive pregnancy test during the consecration this morning, and really tried to focus on it. I am really trying to make it become something that I can truly imagine for myself. It may not be this month, but it will happen one day. And, thankfully, I have an opportunity to revamp my attitude in the meantime.

Update: Why is it that every time I post lately, things change about twenty minutes later?

I just saw more mucus. It was 10C. I don't know what that means, how to chart it (is it the peak so far, or are we in yellow stamp territory now?) or what it says about my current physical state. My temp rises on Thursday and I still have mucus on Sunday. Something isn't right there.

This also means that if I haven't ovulated yet, then we definitely missed our chance this cycle. Kind of makes me think about taking those drugs and the pain it brought me earlier in the cycle and how that was all for nothing. Oh well. We couldn't have known then how the days would play out. And I still would have taken it, even if I remembered at the time that he was going out of town. I never would have not taken the risk.

I am still going to try to hang in there, focus on the Lord, and not get down. I can do this!

Stress

Of course when everything seems to be going right, something has to come in to knock me down. I'm having a bad day and I am totally stressed and upset. Not about infertility, for once, but I am very concerned that my stress level today is only going to worsen my chances this month. So that's making me even more upset!

I swear, the devil is out to get me! Why does something always happen on important days? My little egg was probably getting all set for fertilization and then... BAM! Stress hormones were released and it was like an earthquake hit!

I'm trying to calm down. I think I'm going to go lay on the couch, watch some T.V. and just try to relax as much as possible.

Do you think one stressful morning is enough to derail me? Is there anything I can do to lessen the effects of any stress hormones that were released? (Hmmm.. how about not stressing about how much it is affecting me).

I know that it is ultimately in God's hands, but I'd like to know I did all I could as well.

Oh, and speaking of stresses - could you please pray for my mother, if you get a chance? The C-di.ff came back again (it's the fourth time now) and her doctor won't prescribe her the more intense medication that she knows she needs to get rid of it (who knew - doctors are clueless in more areas than just infertility!). She is going to an infectious disease specialist on Monday, so hopefully she will get it then, and then she will be rid of this horrible thing for good.

And how about this - my poor mom posted on a C-Di.ff message board the other day and someone on there chewed her out! Can you believe that?? It was a U.K. support message board apparently, because the U.S. one was down. She had been reading the boards for some time, and finally decided to post the other day. The person who was rude flew off the handle because my mom said she was a nurse, and this woman got in my mom's face because she is mad at all doctors and nurses for the way they've handled this health crisis (apparently people are dying of it in the U.K., making it a very emotionally-charged issue. And yes, hearing that people are dying made me more stressed out about it!). It's not my mom's fault, though. She is a school nurse, and she is suffering from it herself! I felt so bad for her. Other people came to her defense, so that was nice. I just thought I'd share that since it would be like the equivalent of one of you being mean to me on here, you know? You would never do that!

Mid-cycle confusion

No mucus yet. What's up, B6? I know, it's not like I started it when I should have, but I'm still holding out hope that it'll take effect.

So I am EXHAUSTED lately. For instance, I slept today from like five to seven. That's not like me! I'm not a napper. And lately, on this very blog, I have been bragging about how much energy I've had in the last couple months. Since Monday, though, I have been tired to the point of not being able to keep my eyes open. Could this be the Tamoxifen? It's not the new vitamins because I only started those yesterday. Who knows. What I do know it is definitely cycle related because I don't think anything with me isn't cycle related.

Speaking of my cycle, it's day 16 and I haven't ovulated yet. Well, I haven't ovulated yet as far as I know. Yesterday was 10KL x1 and so far today, I would chart 4AD. But my temperature hasn't risen (I know, I know...) and I just don't feel like I have. Although now that I think about it, I do feel different today. I haven't had any abdominal pains and the feeling I've had lately in my legs is gone. Maybe I am just not used to it happening this early, so I am expecting more mucus. We'll see soon, I guess.

I have to admit, though, that I can't remember if I had some 6K today or not. Part of me thinks I did, and part of me thinks that was yesterday. I am so bad about this. Sometimes I just can't keep it all straight and I don't want to get to the point of having to take notes after every bathroom visit. I am already keeping enough of a record of my life when I chart everything at night. To do more than that might drive me insane.  I don't know, though. I might have to in order to have my peak +7 blood draw done on the right day. I've been worried all cycle that I'm not going to get that right, which is crazy because I have no reason to think that will happen. I just hope it doesn't end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Alright, I am going to go make some food - despite the fact that I am not hungry - so I can take my B6 (I got a little nauseous last night so I am not taking any chances). Seriously, if it weren't for all the medications I take which require to be taken with food, I would eat a lot less than I do. What a change - I used to eat to make me happy and now I eat to take pills. Oh well. That is my life.

Permeating confidence

I think my positive attitude has taken over. It's not that I'm happy-go-lucky 24 hours a day or anything (just ask my husband about a certain muffin fiasco yesterday...let's just say he experienced my wrath when he didn't add the baking powder to the batter and wasted two batches of muffins. Yes, you read that right. He was making muffins for me and I yelled at him), but my confidence that I will conceive has permeated me. My default thought is that I will get pregnant. 

I can't describe how huge that is for me, but most of you can relate, I'm sure. I just decided that I shouldn't ask God for something when I doubt he will give it to me. If that's what I think, then why bother asking?

I'm not saying I don't expect hard times ahead. I was just saying yesterday to Lifehopes that I feel as if I will have some failed cycles in the near future. I don't know if it's theologically sound to say I think God wants to test me, but I do think he wants to see what I'm made of, or, at least, he wants me to see what I'm made of. I think he wants me to weather a few storms with my new positive attitude so I can learn how to stay hopeful as the darkness sets in, something I really haven't done yet.

I just know that a pregnancy is ahead of me, whether that means in a few weeks or a few years.

Sew Infertile, in one of her posts, compared her prayer life to yo-yo dieting and I couldn't agree more! As I type this, I worry that this surrendering to God and this confidence in him will not last much longer. I know myself, after all. But I can't think like that. It isn't all or nothing. I might fall off the wagon, but that doesn't mean I can't get right back on. 

And, speaking of diets, if I can be so completely on board with my diet, then why can't I apply that same will power to this? I DON'T yo-yo diet, so I won't yo-yo pray.

I have also stepped up my prayer life. Nothing huge, but I pray at the hour of divine mercy, 3 o'clock. I say the chaplet and some other prayers, including a novena. Then, before we go to bed, we pray more. We say some beautiful prayers I found in a little book I've had for several months, but never opened. I think sometimes we read things, or open things, at just the right time. 

I'm a strong believer in the concept that God likes us to meet him half way. Now, I know that God doesn't have to do that, he can - and does - do anything he wants, so there are always exceptions to that rule. But, for me, I have the most success, spiritually, when I put forth an effort. It makes sense, right? And sometimes I think I'm putting forth an effort, but I'm lying to myself. I'm like that little girl throwing a fit in her bedroom, sobbing and yelling through the door, "But MOM! I AM in a better moooood! I'm going to behaaaaave!" instead of just actually calming down. I think that's how I spent a great deal of my childhood.

This happened when I went through my conversion four and a half years ago. I felt like I was banging my head against the wall for the first year. I wanted so desperately to be at that next level, to fully believe in God and be a faithful Catholic, but it just wasn't clicking. I still had doubts, although I didn't want to have them. I prayed and prayed, and nothing. 

Looking back, clearly, anything but nothing was going on. So much was happening. But it wasn't until I stepped out of myself and really put forth an effort that I found myself where I wanted to be. I stopped going through the motions, and I started actually living out what I previously only said I did. I threw every part of myself into the act of believing, and while uncomfortable, it paid off. Before I knew it, I did believe with my whole heart. It kind of just happened. And not in a I-tricked-myself-into-believing sort of way. No, I now understood what people talked about when they said they knew God (something I resented before because I'd never experienced it). He was present in my life and I was aware of that for, really, the first time.

On one hand, you could say that I was just too lazy to do the actual work involved in the conversion God was clearly calling me to and that while I wanted it more than anything in the entire world, my humanness and sinfulness was keeping me from obtaining it. And that it wasn't until I got off my behind and met him half way, did things change. 

But on the other hand, you could also say that God used that time as part of my conversion. After all, is it a conversion if we don't have to do any of the work and don't have to improve ourselves? Is it as rewarding if he just carries us up the cliff, as opposed to us climbing it? 

I think I can apply that to my life now. On one hand, I can say that while a baby is now what I want more than anything else in the whole world, for the first four years I kind of dragged my heels and wanted it magically fixed for me. I was that little girl frantically crying, "God! Pleeeeaaaase! I'm suffering, I'm praying, I've learned everything you have wanted me to learn from this! I swear I have! I'm ready for you to bless me with a pregnancy!" I wasn't really trying, but I liked to tell him I was!

Now, I hope, I am beginning to be that calm girl who has collected herself and is politely waiting for her mother (or father, in this case) to come retrieve her from the room*.

On the other hand, I don't think I was ready until now and God knew I needed that entire experience. God wanted me to use these years to grow and I hope I have. The individual experiences, at the time, may have seemed useless, but they have all added up to be a priceless journey and one that I hope, one day, I will say I wouldn't trade for anything in the world (I'm not quite there yet). 

I don't pretend to know why this experience was necessary for me and not for someone else, but I do know that God knows us all individually and I trust that he knows what is best for us all. 

I know I still may have a long road ahead of me, but I am thankful for this time of trust, no matter how long it might last (I've heard coming down from the ovulation drugs can be especially hard, so I might need to re-read this in about two-and-a-half weeks!). It's been sort of like a break - from the constant worry, anger and frustration - and we can all use a break, right?

*Please know that I am not implying at all that infertility is a punishment. Rather, the way I've handled my suffering is, at times, as if I am throwing an outright fit.

Moving mountains

As I type, Ryan is getting his physical, one of the last remaining pieces to the adoption home study puzzle. Not the last, but one of the last. We still have to write our birthmother letter, get a letter from his employer and print out some form from the DMV website. Just things we have been putting off. Oh, and I have to get a TB shot.

Adoption still doesn't seem real. I'm very calm about it (perhaps too calm, as you may have noticed from all the remaining paperwork) and I'm pretty much trusting God and allowing his will to be done. It is so easy for me to do this with adoption, but so hard when it comes to trying to conceive.

But that is all about to change. Actually, it already has - starting on January first.

I am not a resolution sort of person, so this isn't one. This epiphany just happened to take place on the first of the year. We were making the 50-minute drive from my husband's parents' house to Lifehope's home. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I had borrowed the book-on-CD Left To Tell from her and since I was nearly finished, I figured we might as well finish it in time to give it back to her in person. Let me just say that this book is amazing. Immaculee Ilibagiza's story of spending three months hiding in a bathroom with several other women while the Rwandan genocide was going on outside is horrific, but her faith through it all is completely inspirational. This woman had the battle of good and evil raging in her mind as she spent nearly every waking moment praying. She fought off demons and was given great visions and messages from our Lord. She had moments of doubt, but she never collapsed into self-pity and never stopped trusting in God.

Of course, I listened to the book with my own struggles in mind. I wanted to perhaps adopt some methods for giving it all over to God. And I did - Immaculee's strength had already inspired me to be more positive and to trust that God would deliver. I had struggled with one thing, though - why had he saved her? I am certain other faithful Rwandans had prayed just as hard and with just as much faith as she did, but had been butchered by the Interahamwe. She does deal with this near the end of the book, by telling another refugee who wondered this very thing that God allowed them to live so they'd be left to tell their stories. It does remind us of the seemingly random manner in which God appears to answer prayers for some and not for others, why he gives the positive pregnancy test for some, while others will never experience that joy. I haven't thought enough about this yet for it to make complete sense to me, and I doubt it ever will, but I do feel very deeply that God doesn't want me to think about that. To think about the negative outcome that could happen is the devil whispering in my ear that God can't deliver, that he isn't who he says he is.

So as we were making the short trip north, we listened to the very end where Immaculee talks about her life since 1994. She had mentioned earlier in the story how positive thinking and envisioning God delivering her from the bathroom (even what the U.N. peacekeeper who they would take refuge with would look like) had played an important role in her story, but she went into even more detail in the epilogue. I won't say exactly what she prayed for, in case you want to read the book, but there are two things, in particular, that she discusses. She prayed fervently for each thing, but also envisioned it happening, even to the point of pretending, in a sense, that it had already happened. She trusted that the Lord would grant her prayer, but seemed to balance it with an acceptance of his ultimate will.

Both things she prayed for (and these are big things on par with pregnancy) came to be. We know that God calls us to have have faith that our prayers will be answered. As Christ says in Mark, Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. So, as soon as the book ended, Ryan and I began to discuss ways we could put this very thing into practice - starting that night.

As I've said before, I have felt very strongly that God has been calling me to have trust that he will answer my prayers. That has been the message I've been receiving on my heart throughout the fall and early winter. In adoration, when I read Scripture, whatever I am doing, it always comes back to that. And whenever I question Scripture passages about believing that your prayer will be answered (because millions of prayers go unanswered every day - and for very good reason, I know), I always feel confident that I am not supposed to think those thoughts. I am not supposed to contemplate it. I am supposed to leave it alone.

So we spent the rest of the ride to Lifehope's house and also the ride from her house to ours, thinking up ways to really, truly put this into practice. We decided to come up with names, and while I am not a naming ahead sort of person, I think this is important for us. It might seem a little weird to do this before you even conceive - even the idea of putting a baby's name on a cake at a shower makes me shudder (maybe I've stolen that from the Jewish religion.. don't they take great care to not write a baby's name before it's born?) - but we need to do tangible things that show we are confident our babies are headed to us. So we came up with more definitive names. They were basically the ones we were already going to go with, but now we will refer to them by name (but only to each other. And they could change - we are most definitely not locked in).

There are other things I still hope to incorporate into my daily routine. I want to write a prayer that I will say every morning, referring to my future babies, and thanking God for his future answer to our prayers. I will plan the nursery in my mind and clear out the room, so it will be all ready to decorate once I am pregnant.

We are also making changes in our attitude, which could be the most important changes of all. For instance, I will no longer refer to our potential to remain childless or make cracks about all the great things childless couples could do that I have no desire to do. I will not use the word barren, because I am not. I have eggs and a real-life doctor has declared that I do, in fact, ovulate. I also try to spend some time each day picturing myself getting the positive pregnancy test and then, later, a pregnant stomach. That concept has been has difficult in the past as envisioning myself with antlers.

There may seem to be a delicate balance between faithfulness and too much confidence, even appearing that we are telling God what to do and neglecting his will. I don't think that balance is too difficult to maintain when you are coming from the perspective of having no faith that your prayers will be answered. All I can say is I feel called to this, to have supreme confidence that the desires of our heart to be pregnant will be satisfied. I can barely type or think that thought without immediately thinking about the "what if?": sometimes God says "no", many faithful couples never conceive, etc., etc. I don't have a good, sound theological argument to back this up, but as I've said before, I just KNOW that I am not supposed to spend any time on those doubts.

Immaculee could have thought that she, too, would be murdered because, after all, why was she any better than the other hundreds of thousands of Rwandans killed? God had let her family, her friends, all die, so why should she have confidence that he would hide her? God promises to remain with us all, but God could be with her and the killers might still find her. The odds were most definitely on the side of the killers. She shouldn't have lived.

But she didn't let those thoughts creep in. She blocked them out because we are called to have faith that can move mountains. At one point, Jesus spoke to Immaculee, saying:

Mountains are moved with faith, Immaculée, but if faith were easy, all the mountains would be gone. Trust in me, and know that I will never leave you. Trust in me, and have no more fear. Trust in me, and I will save you. I shall put my cross upon the door, and they will not reach you. Trust in me, and you shall live.

If Immaculee had let those doutbing thoughts creep in, she probably would have died. She would have lost her spirit, her faith. She wouldn't have allowed the Holy Spirit to work through her, to come up with ideas of how to better hide the bathroom door. She might have given up a thousand different times. But she didn't. She trusted that God would save her, not just that she would be with our Lord in Heaven if the killers did reach her, but that God would blind the killers to seeing the door and would make their ears deaf to not hear them shaking and breathing.

I have been close to losing my spirit. And I am not naive enough to think that my new, positive attitude will mean that those days are over. If anything, things might get more difficult. I can imagine it will be even harder to endure months of failed cycles while trying to remain confident that a successful cycle in on the horizon. Just the other day I was in a bad mood, and my first inclination was to give up on my new attitude. That scared me, because it wasn't even a real bad day, it was just a momentary bad mood. I know the depths of depression can go much lower and I have to be ready to fight through that, not letting myself lose hope.

It would have been much easier for Immaculee to give up, and to let the devil move in. That is the road of least resistance, at least in the immediate future. Staying hopeful and confident that God will deliver is much harder, when all the signs are pointing toward him being no where to be found.

It is up to us to stay positive. I can still cry, but instead of letting the crying and disappointment turn into anger at God and doubt in his power, I cry with the Lord, uniting my suffering to his own. And I will cry on the shoulder of Our Lady, knowing that she is comforting me.

I really hope this new attitude doesn't crash and burn. I think my first test will be if it doesn't happen this cycle (I know that it might not happen right away, but it will happen), but, thankfully, I have my husband to keep me on track.

I have such high hopes that this is what God wants of us right now, but I will continue to pray for his guidance, that he put us on whatever path he has ahead of us. That's all that is important.

Magical thinking

Happy New Year's Eve! We are getting ready to visit my in-laws for the next two days. And I'll also have a chance to see Lifehopes and, hopefully, her new puppy!

I'm doing good. Trying to keep the positive attitude going! I had a mini-breakdown yesterday but I picked myself back up, starting working on things on my to-do list, and immediately started feeling better.

Once again my cycle is seeing changes. I am now on day 14 of my luteal phase, the longest I've gone since I started charting. They are normally eleven days, a couple were twelve, and earlier this year, after my surgery, they were even shorter. No, I do not think I am pregnant. I feel pre-menstrual and I know it will come at any point. The only reason I am even posting about it is because I'm trying not to let superstitions get the best of me. At the end of my cycles, I always post that it hasn't come yet, then get it right afterwards. So, my tendency would be to not post today, to ward it off. But because I know that way of thinking is insane and possibly even worth confessing, I am forcing myself to post. God isn't going to put off a new cycle simply because I DIDN'T POST ABOUT IT ON MY BLOG! He is in control, not me. I am trying to combat those superstitions by posting, to show God that I know that it is up to Him and not some magical thinking. I have always had a tendency toward magical thinking.

That being said, a 13 day luteal phase - or longer - will be nice. Not that my 11 or 12 day ones weren't good. My doctor just told me on Monday that are perfectly fine. But isn't one day longer even better? Maybe not. But at the very least it shows that things are still changing, hence the reason (perhaps) that I haven't conceived yet. Hormones are still shifting and fixing themselves and haven't settled down yet. Things are still getting even healthier. The body taking a lot of time to heal is always one of the themes of my doctor's appointments. Somehow that is so easy for doctors to realize but much harder for us patients to understand.

I have been struggling with some faith questions that I will post more about here soon. Mainly, how to have hope and faith that our specific prayer will be answered when we know that for some people, it is not. I know, that's nothing new. I've written about it here a million times. I just always come back to it. I do feel as if the Holy Spirit has filled me with a new desire to ask big things of God and trust that he can and will deliver, but that voice in my head is always whispering, But some people pray and pray and never conceive. What about them? While that statement is most certainly true, I think that might be the devil pushing me to doubt God and his awesome power.

But that is a topic for another time. I also wanted to share with you a blog I found through Just Another Catholic Mom. It's the blog of a woman who passed away on Christmas Eve, and it pulled my heart out this morning as I sat here and sobbed as I read it. While her struggle is very different from that of infertility, it is clear she had a lot to teach all those who suffer. I think I can learn a lot from her words about finding joy in the darkness (a column she wrote about it weeks before her death can be found here). For me, personally, reading all this (at the very least) will help to soften the blow of starting a new cycle today. It really puts things into perspective and reminds me that I have so much. Not that our time here on earth is the end all be all - she is in Heaven where we all desire to be - but it reminds me that the time we have been given to do His work is short and it shouldn't be wasted wallowing in sadness. I hope I can find joy in my darkness, if that is where I find myself the next few days.

Doctor's appointment

I'm just writing a quick post because I am exhausted from a long car ride that included being stuck in D.C. rush-hour traffic. I just wanted to say that my appointment went great. My doctor is really encouraged by my cycles, is sure that I am ovulating and thinks I will get pregnant without the help of drugs. That being said, I asked him if I could start taking Clomid or Femara, and he said that'd be fine. He suggested Tamoxifen, since another doctor in the practice, who is a NaPro doctor, has been starting to use it with patients. Does anyone have experience with this drug? I've read about it on wikipedia and I know it's used to treat breast cancer. I was just wondering if anyone has any personal experience

I will start taking it probably this week, since it's taken on days three through seven. I am getting estradiol drawn on day three and then estradiol and progesterone drawn on peak +7. I think. I don't have the information in front of me.

I also am now officially at forty pounds lost on the doctor's office scale. And that was even with a full bladder (although I did get to take my shoes off. The nurse actually told me I could disrobe as much as I'd like. I'm like, "Don't tempt me!"). My doctor was really happy that I'd lost another five pounds, despite the fact that he said last time I could maintain now. I have been maintaining - adding back in some fats - but I still lost. Then when I got home, I weighed myself here, bladder completely empty and fully disrobed of course, and weighed the lowest I've weighed yet and the lowest I've weighed since college. The amount put me into a new decade of weight and one that I only dreamed about being in for years.

I just can't wait until I get pregnant so the positive effects of this diet can be fully seen. I hope it will be the encouragement that others need to stick to it. I mean, my weight loss might inspire some, but not as much as a pregnancy would. And for selfish reasons, I hope God decides to use me in that way!

I did get the adoption physical done, except for the TB test, and my doctor even commented that I'll probably get pregnant after I send it in. I know that is often a myth, but he is my doctor and he does happen to think I'm going to get pregnant real soon. He even said he expects a call about a positive test in the near future.

I also told him how way back at our first appointment with him, he said how the metformin and the diet will make me feel "whole" again. I said that for many months after starting treatment, I still didn't feel whole. That is, until November. I said I now know what he means. He was happy about that and said usually when a patient tells him they feel whole, they're pregnant within six months! 

So I feel very positive and upbeat right now. I hope this feeling lasts through a new cycle starting. I'm on 12 days post peak (by the way, he said my luteal phases are a great length), and will probably start a new cycle tomorrow. I start the Tamoxifen on day three, so that is right around the corner. 

I also listened to a book on CD during my drive, and it gave me great insights into my struggle with infertility and my faith. It's called Left To Tell by Immaculee Ilibagiza and is on loan from Lifehopes. I'm sure some of you have heard of it. I didn't finish it yet, but already it has really made me excited to go deeper into my faith. I don't want to waste this time of struggle and hardship. I often think about how if I am to become pregnant, that I'd look back on how I handled this painful time and wish I'd suffered more gracefully. I want to turn over a new leaf and do just that before it's too late. I'm going to post more about my thoughts in the coming days.

Oh, and one more thing. I know some of you have asked in the past about my progesterone level I talked about in October, that my doctor had deemed perfect. I found out today it was 16.7. He reiterated that it is ideal. I know sometimes blood work can't be compared to other blood work taken at a different lab, but that is mine, for what it is worth. I also asked him about my LH and FSH, and he said when it was tested in October, one was 5 and the other was 4, making it a 1:1 ratio (he told me which was which, but I can't remember). He said that for all intents and purposes, I don't have PCOS anymore, but obviously that's because it is being controlled with medication and diet. If that were to be stopped, it would come back. I just love knowing that I am currently free of it, though!

So this obviously didn't end up being a short post. I always have good intentions to be quick, but then I just write and write! I am about to bake some low G.I. Christmas cookies so I will take pictures and do a post about them. My mom made the cookies last week and they were delicious. You'd never know they were made with Splenda and white wheat flour! I am going to go one step further, though, and make a low G.I. frosting as well. I hope it comes out good!

Cycle update and Carmie J.

Isn't it funny how once we ovulate (or have an "ovulatory event" - I'm not going to believe I ovulated until I get pregnant), we forget what cycle day we're on? At least I do. I started to write what day I'm on and I have no idea. So, instead, I will say that I am eleven days past peak. Eleven days and no spotting in sight, at least at this very moment.

Last cycle I think my luteal phase was eleven days. The cycle before that it was twelve. So I might start tomorrow, or I might start on Tuesday. Or I might not start at all. Hahaha... Of course I am just kidding! What a jokester I am. I definitely do not feel like this cycle is any different than any other failed cycle. I feel pre-menstrual (whatever that means, since it always seems to manifests in different ways) and nothing feels out of the ordinary. I've had a sensation in my legs on an off through the entire cycle, so that can be checked off the list. I'm starting to get depressed, which always happens. And my bbs are sore, but, then again, that could be my new bra.

Not starting my cycle is a good thing, I guess, since I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. If I am able to start taking Femara, then at least I can start it this cycle. I have to say, my doctor's appointments always seem to be scheduled at just the right time (this has not gone unnoticed, God!), which usually means the perfect time for whatever necessary blood work. Tomorrow it will hopefully mean the perfect time for drugs.

The actual reason for tomorrow's appointment is for an adoption physical. I'm a little nervous about how it will all go down. See, at my last appointment I asked my infertility doctor (not that that's his official title) if he could do the physical when the time came. He said yes. I knew to ask because a friend of mine goes to him as well, and he did her adoption physical. But then when I called to make the appointment, the woman on the phone acted like that was nuts and said he can't do that. So, believing that she was nuts instead, I went ahead and made the appointment for an annual. I hope that when I get there tomorrow I will tell him why I'm really there, hand him the physical checklist and he will say okay.

Let's be honest - the adoption physical is just a front. More face time with him means more time to talk about my cycles, which means more time to figure out what's going on, which means more time to get me pregnant. If he says tomorrow that he can't do the physical, I will just schedule one with a primary care physician, and I will at least get a chance to show him my chart and ask for Femara. It will be more than worth the three-hour round-trip drive.

So hopefully I'll have a lot to update tomorrow!

On a completely unrelated topic, I got a new camera for my birthday and I love it. It's 13.6 megapixels. 13.6! To put it in perspective, the four-year old camera we got for our wedding that I have been using was only 3.1. That's like quadruple the megapixels!

To show the fruits of my new camera, I thought I'd post a picture of one of my cats, since they don't get a lot of attention on this blog (although they just did, in fact, get some play when I posted our Christmas card photo last week. Speaking of that picture, I later realized I messed up because I failed to post the actual Christmas card in which I included the bible verse for which this blog is named. It was a little shout out to anyone on our Christmas card list who knows about the blog, which is about three people, or so I hope. Anyways...)

So this is Carmie:



Or Carmie J. as Ryan likes to call him. He's definitely our most photogenic pet (sorry Sophie and Jasper). He's also the fattest, by a landslide. He's also on the bottom of the pet totem pole - he is dominated by both Sophie and Jasper and any other animal that visits our house, for that matter.


Isn't he cute, though?

He's named after Carmelo Anthony who played for our favorite college basketball team, Syracuse, when they won the national championship. At the end of that season we went out in search of an orange cat to name Carmelo. We attempted to call him Melo, which is his namesake's nickname, but it just didn't stick. He's definitely a Carmie.

We say that Carmie is a lover because when given the choice of where to sleep in the entire house, he chooses right next to you with at least one arm or leg wrapped around you. It's the sweetest thing, but also hot in the summer.

So that's one of our pets. To make use of my camera, I'll profile the others in the days ahead, so get excited!

Home

We're back from the freezing cold north. It was beyond cold the first couple days, but it actually got better near the end. The early part of the week, though, reminded me why we don't live there anymore. How do any of you do it, and how did I do it for 30 years?

Anyways, I've had a bunch of blogable thoughts floating around in my head for a few days, so this is going to be a hodge podge of a post.  Here goes...

First, we got home today around 4 a.m. We had a great visit, although it seemed to fly by and I hardly feel like I got to talk to my family at all. We had a wonderful Christmas Eve, Christmas, and we even celebrated my birthday yesterday. Here's a picture:


I had a breakdown last night as soon as I got in the car to leave. It was probably partly due to always being very sad about leaving my family and knowing we wouldn't both be back until July (I'll be making two trips alone in the spring), but it was mainly about infertility. It's hard holding it in for several days; I'm used to being able to openly be sad when I feel like it. It wasn't that I was around babies or anything - I know it could have been much worse - but it's just that time when my cycle is nearing the end. I always lose it just before it's over. 

My birthday was another reason for my breakdown. I am utterly depressed this year about turning another year older without conceiving. 32. I almost can't believe it. It makes me tear up right now just thinking about it. Leaving my parents' house made me start thinking about the week that is ahead of me - namely, my birthday. Ryan has to work on my birthday this year, which isn't his fault and he feels horrible, but it makes me dread it all the more because I'll be alone for most of the day. Alone and sad. (Aren't I pathetic?)

My mom and sister loved their aprons, and I kind of wished I'd made one for my other sister too, despite the fact that she doesn't really cook. Here's a picture of all of us: 



That's my mom second from the left. She got sick again last night, just as I was leaving. We're hoping it's not C Di.ff again. It sucks because not only does she get sick from it, but she feels defeated when it comes back. She counts the days between bouts, hoping it will be longer each time. For her sanity alone I hope it's not C Di.ff, or "the beast" as she says it's called on the message boards. Please pray for her if you get a chance. 

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On a completely different topic, I went bra shopping today. I had ordered one for Christmas that ended up not fitting me so today I subjected myself to what I consider torture. I swear I get nauseous each time and I usually leave empty handed. Well, this time I refused to let that happen. I was wearing a pre-weight loss bra that would better serve someone forty pounds heavier than me. It's really embarrassing. I cannot even explain to you how huge it is and how terrible this bra fits me. 

So tonight I left with two bras, one of which was on sale from $70 to $30. But now, as I sit here, I can hardly breathe. I know (from learning on Oprah) that a well-fitting bra is supposed to be tight and I know I've been used to wearing super-loose ones, but this can't be good. 

Oh, and I should mention I had someone "fit" me. I was sick of trying tons of bras on and never finding one that felt good, so I decided to just do it. I had a stranger measure my chest and I found out I am a 30 DD, which they don't make, so that means I'm a 32 DD, which they do make (prior to the fitting I was trying on 34 C's, so I guess it was necessary). If it were up to me, I'd have bought a 34, which felt a lot better, but I put my trust in Tiffany, the bra fitter, and bought the little itsy-bitsy 32's. I'm hoping I get used to them.

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In cycle news, I discovered the other night that for the past five or six months, every other cycle has been almost identical. I thought ovulating on every other ovary was a myth, but what other explanation is there for it? Every other month I ovulate on day 18 and on the months in between I ovulate much earlier on the same day (I can't remember what day right now). And for this current cycle and the one before last, I ovulated on day 18 and then had spotting on day 24 (yes, I woke up on Christmas morning to spotting.. although that doesn't really explain it well - it was more of a super light tan discoloration and happened only once). So, if this cycle continues to mimick that one, I will get my period tomorrow. I least I think that's the case. My chart is still packed some where, but it's something like that. So what is the deal with the every other month similarities? Has anyone else ever seen this? I am going to the doctor on Monday so at least I'll be able to see what he thinks about it.

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On Christmas night, Ryan and I went to the movies with my youngest sister and her new boyfriend. We saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which was a pretty good movie, but the reason I bring it up is because it made me think - and cry - about infertility (I know - it's probably not surprising that something reminded me of infertility). I was a mess as I watched it! There are just themes in it that resonated with me, not to mention Benjamin Button's mother, who took him in when someone left him on her doorstep as a newborn, is infertile and even gets blessed at a healing service (although the preacher does say something about it being due to her sins, which we all know isn't true!). The main reason I wanted to say something about it tonight is one line in particular. It is repeated throughout the movie and it really struck me: 

“You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went, You can swear and curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.”

I sobbed every time they said it! Doesn't that just sum it all up? That describes my experience perfectly. I spend so much time being mad, so much time cursing God, so much time being angry that my life didn't turn out the way I'd imagined it. But where does that get me? NO WHERE! I just have to let it go.

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Well there is a lot more I could write about, but I need to rest. I'm going to make some hot chocolate (I found some with low sugar that is not actually advertised as low sugar!) and watch some t.v. Have a good night!

Not letting this get me down

I'm okay. I'm not going to let this ruin my Christmas. We are leaving for my parents' house Sunday night and I can't wait. I haven't been home since August and I have only been home three times this whole year. I also haven't seen one of my sisters since last Christmas. I can't even begin to describe how much I've been looking forward to this. I am SO excited and even stupid infertility can't rob me of that.

I will get to meet my sister's new boyfriend and then there's the other sister who just got engaged. My parents are having my dad's office party at their house on Tuesday and that's always fun. Then there's Christmas of course, and let me just say that my parents still buy us a TON of presents. Then on Friday we'll celebrate my birthday early. We'll also shoot some video for my documentary on Wednesday (speaking of which, I have to start posting some clips from that here). There will be no reminders of pregnancy or babies. It will just be fun and relaxing and the only thing I'm not looking forward to is leaving Friday night.

In cycle news, it's day twenty. I personally think I ovulated sometime between Wednesday afternoon and Thursday morning. I had great mucus - "10 KL AD" (or for those of you who don't speak Creighton - clear, lubricative and stretching an inch or more, all day) - three days in a row, Monday through Wednesday. I've never had that type of great quality for that long and that often during the day. I know that has to be an improvement. I'm still ovulating late, if I am ovulating at all. At least day 18 or 19 seems late, but I'm not sure what the window is for normal. I usually just make it in those windows.

Yesterday I woke up four hours earlier than normal, so my temping was screwed up, but I believe it still showed a rise. This morning it was 97.9. The day before, it was 97.8. So even though it was four hours earlier than the previous day, it was still up a tenth of a point. I think that shows that had I slept until my normal time, it would have likely been around 98.3.

That being said, I am very perplexed because it was low again this morning. I think it was 97.6. I know I shouldn't temp, but I did and now that temperature is really confusing. My temps are always very normal around this time of my cycle. They are practically all 97.8 and then, coinciding with my peak day of mucus, they always rise to around 98.3. So this is different and odd.

My back hurts. This is a relatively new phenomenon, mainly happening in the last two months. I think it is due to me standing up for long periods of time sewing, especially because I basically just sat on the couch prior to my sewing binge. 

Speaking of that, while I used to do it as my full-time job practically, I can't sit on the couch anymore at all. I tried today as my fabric was in the washing machine and had nothing else to sew, and I just couldn't do it. I was bored. How can someone's personality change so drastically so fast? I spent years either sitting on the couch or wishing I could. I mean, I had a bed pillow on the couch permanently! And let me clarify, when I say "sit" I actually mean lay. Staying relaxed during my surgery recovery was nothing because it was all I did even before the surgery. 

I guess my point is that I wasn't just lazy before, I was exhausted. I was weak. I felt dizzy when I stood up. The only time I felt good was when I was laying down on the couch watching t.v. It's kind of like my body and my mind were lazy. I didn't want anything to challenge me, I just wanted to veg out. I truly think this was a medical problem, and whether it was associated with a low thyroid, high prolactin or PCOS (all three things I started treating last Spring) or eating low carb, I'm not sure. All I know is that the fog has been lifted. I can clearly see that things have changed immensely.

Now I just need everything else to start working like it's supposed to. Ovaries, I'm talking about you here. 

Annoyed

Here are the thoughts on replay in my brain:

1. I'm not going to get pregnant this month, or the next, or the next. I may never get pregnant.

2. Nothing ever goes right for me/us. Why can't we just have something little to be excited about?

3. I am afraid something else is wrong with me that we don't know about yet. So far 50 million separate things have caused me to be infertile (endometriosis, PCOS, high prolactin, thyroid issues, you name it), so the odds are there is more that we have yet to discover.

4. #3 leads me to feel sorry for myself. Why can't I just have ONE thing wrong? Wouldn't that be enough????

5. I want to be happy for Christmas.

6. It's way too early in my cycle to be depressed. Usually that doesn't really set in until the fourth week or so.

7. But I have every reason to be depressed every single second of every day. Sadness is my default emotion, and when I'm happy I wonder what is going on with my hormones!

8. I know I already said it but I REALLY need something to go our way.

9. My husband did not get laid off. I guess that could be viewed as something that went our way, but the fact that we even had to (have to) worry about that at all is depressing.

10. I'm fine, I really am. I just needed to vent. I just want things to change. I want this dark cloud over my life to lift. I want to be happy all the time, with moments of sadness when they are warranted, not the other way around.

I know God is with us, and I know I will live no matter what happens. I'm sorry for feeling sorry for myself and complaining. I know I am blessed in many ways. I'm trying to remember that.

Cycle update

I've got two more aprons under my belt. What is wrong with me? Do people even want or use aprons? Oh well. They're getting them. 

So I haven't written any kind of cycle update in a while, which always seems to happen when I'm in this part of my cycle - the middle. It's the busiest part but also since it changes day to day, I usually wait until I'm in the luteal phase to talk about it. Anyways, since there isn't much else to talk about...

Today is cycle day 16. This is my fifth day of mucus and it's improving in quality each day. Yesterday I had my first day of really good quality mucus, and today is the second day I've seen it. This is especially good because I didn't know what people meant when they described this type in years past - I saw mucus that was 10KL, but it was always more thick, and for the past few months, it's been a more watery 10KL in the couple days before ovulation. At least, I think this is good. I could be wrong. I wish the NaPro book they give you when you first start charting had the mucus pictures in them like the instructors' books (by the way - didn't you just love those pictures? They look like someone blew their nose on a blue napkin and is now showing you - yet it's worse because it didn't come from someone's nose! I just remember thinking how I might want to teach Creighton, but that I didn't know if I could handle those pictures all the time). 

The only slightly different thing I charted so far was mucus on day eight, followed by three dry days. It was the day after my period and then went back to dry for a few days until my real mucus started. I don't think that's a big deal or that weird, but I would have liked to see four days of green stickers (as I try to remember - I can't hyper-analyze...I can't hyper-analyze).

So that's where I am. My temp is still down, not that I put a lot of stock in temping, but it's just an extra sign. I also have been having pretty bad pain for the past few days near what I assume to be my ovaries. It's on both sides, but more on my left. But my left hurts every month. That was my really bad ovary before - the one that was five times the normal size due to a HUGE endometrioma. I guess it could be that it is just more sensitive (what I'm hoping), or that there are adhesions (I'm hoping not), or that I'm ovulating on that side right now (I'm really hoping!). Who knows!

Well we're getting ready to go out. I'm starting my monthly novena to the Infant of Prague tonight, so I'll keep you all in my prayers. And I'll also be saying some extra prayers for my husband's job. Television is a very vulnerable industry in a bad economy and the company that owns his station is laying off people at its other stations. He's getting text messages about it as I type this. We don't have a plan exactly if it were to happen to him, other than attempting to sell our house and moving back to NY where he has more contacts. Let's hope that doesn't happen. I'm not actually actively worrying about it, though, which is good. Stress is not good during this part of the cycle! 

Gaudete! Rejoice!

This may come as a surprise to you, but I don't often rejoice. I mean, really rejoice. I get happy at times, moments of joy come once in a great while...but to actually take part in the act of rejoicing? I tend to think that I'm just a person that doesn't have reason to do much of that.

A positive pregnancy test - now that would be cause for some serious rejoicing. But so far, that experience has escaped me.

But today, on Gaudete Sunday, we light the pink candle - the one that always got me excited as a kid, and still does, out of habit - and rejoice. What about those of us whose lives seem dismal and bleak, who are on the outside looking in, who won't get what we want for Christmas?

As our priest said during his homily this morning, we all have reason to rejoice - the fact that Christ died on the cross so we can spend eternity in heaven is reason enough.

Usually, pointing to something so big and huge - like, you know, the afterlife - doesn't really sink in with me like it should. That sounds terrible, but I'm just being honest. It is not tangible to me, and my infertility is here and now. The idea of rejoicing in this very moment because I'll one day, God willing, get to heaven doesn't make me mourn not having a baby any less. But, at least for today, I'm going to try to remember that I do have a reason to rejoice - and a BIG one, at that! We'll see how it goes.

On a completely different topic, I have some more aprons to show you. So WARNING - if you are one of my sisters or my mother and have found my blog and read it without my knowledge, I'd like you to stop reading because I'm about to show your Christmas presents. And I'd like you to feel really guilty if you keep on reading. And while you're at it, you should feel guilty for reading this without telling me in the first place!

Okay...

This apron is for my sister. I'm calling it (in my make-believe product line) the "Frankie" because a) that's her dog's name and so far all my aprons are named after the person-I'm-making-it-for's dog, b) it's similar to the "Sophie" but just a little different - just like the real-life Frankie (he's Sophie's real brother), and c) because I decided that while I'm naming all of my aprons girl names (for obvious reasons, of course - don't you know the apron naming rules?), Frankie can be a girl's name sometimes.

I'm a little nervous about it because it's a little eccentric, and it's not like I know she loves the fabrics or colors or anything. I was just drawn to them, but they don't really "match" in the traditional sense (although I think they match), so I went out and bought the cupcake fabric to bring them to together. I love it, but it's hard to make something for someone else. With this, I just made something I would like and I'm hoping her tastes are similar to mine, which they usually are.

I also didn't realize until I was completely finished that it's pretty short. It's a mini-skirt apron!


This one is for my mom. When I gave her an apron for her birthday she said that now she needed one for Christmas. I'm not ever sure if she remembers saying that, but she's getting one! If you're keeping track, this is still the "Sophie," but with a few additional embellishments.

I'm going to give it to her when we first get there on Monday so she can use it all during the week. 

Speaking of that, I am SO excited to go home! That is reason enough to rejoice!

Dignitas Personae

Very fitting that on this feast day of Our Lady of Guadalupe, the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith released Dignitas Personae, an instruction on ethical issues surrounding procreation and biomedical research. 

IVF, infertility, birth control, and embryo adoption are among the issues addressed. 

Here's the document.

Guys, this is huge. It's a beautiful document (not surprisingly) that talks in specific terms about many of the issues we deal with on a daily basis. 

There is something to be said about your Church addressing the very cross you bear. I cried. I'm not sure why, other than perhaps because they are talking about it, about OUR issue. I actually started tearing up when I got to the part that says "surgery for endometriosis." I'm like, that's me! A Vatican document is discussing what I've gone through and what I am continuing to deal with. It just touched me. 

There are many amazing parts, but I think this is my favorite line:

Behind every “no” in the difficult task of discerning between good and evil, there shines a great “yes” to the recognition of the dignity and inalienable value of every single and unique human being called into existence. [emphasis in original]

How beautiful is that?

Behind this "no" there shines a "yes" called NaPro Technology, which was born out of the "no" in order to do just what this says - recognize the dignity and inalienable value of every single and unique human being called into existence. 

And those of us who have chosen to follow the NaPro path are saying "yes" - "yes" to life and "yes" to alternatives that protect life while still attempting to achieve pregnancy and treat the underlying disease. What a wonderful way to look at it!

If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my house is pretty holy!

Do you know what that is, over there to the left?

It's a clean, clutter-free surface! (and this one in particular was courtesy of my wonderful husband. You should have seen a before shot!)

That's right, we cleaned today for the big home study home visit. We're not done yet, but we're almost there. All we have left are the floors, which we're waiting to do til the last minute.

Can I just say how nice it feels to have a clean house? Most of you probably only know that feeling, but I am not exactly the cleanest person. Well, that sounds bad. I like to think my person is clean, but my house, not so much. I used to think that the negatives of cleaning (the expenditure of time, energy, elbow grease) far outweighed the positives (living in a warm, comfortable environment that is neat, tidy and free of clutter which in turn makes your mind feel neat, tidy and free of clutter). Now I am rethinking that. I just might keep my house clean all the time. It even makes me like our house more and excited to be in it!

And did you know that when you pick up after yourself and take ten minutes to clean each day that you can actually maintain the cleaniness without much effort? What a novel concept! 

So...we're almost ready. I might actually post some more pictures on Monday to document the picture-perfect house (actually, it will still be far from perfect. I know too many couples who have gone through this to clean like a crazy person. The secret is out - I know they don't bring white gloves, people).

In other news, we had our monthly infertility support group meeting this morning and we had our biggest turn-out yet - there were six of us there. Each of us has a very different story, we've been going through it different lengths of time, but we all experience very similar emotions, heartache and hardships. It was a good meeting, and it made me realize I am blessed in so many ways - in particular, that both my family and my in-laws are so supportive. I guess I took that for granted, but some people really struggle with that. Really struggle. If you get a chance, please pray for our group. 

I am working on yet another apron tonight. This one is just a skirt-type apron, without a top. I'm starting to notice a trend here - I seem to be constantly doing projects and spending WAY less time in front of the t.v. Very unlike me. It makes me wonder if it has something to do with my medication and/or hormones and/or diet. Like, my energy level is finally back to normal, perhaps? I haven't thought about it in a while, but I am way less tired than I used to be and I almost never lay down on the couch (which I used to do for most of the day). Now, I can barely watch an hour program and I get restless. I guess this is a good sign! And also perhaps the reason why I've been cleaning more lately as well!

I'm still excited about finishing up our home study and getting on the waiting list. I haven't really thought about this much yet, but can you believe we'll probably adopt a baby next year? I mean, chances are pretty good that it will happen in 2009. That's pretty exciting, now that I think about it (and now that I'm okay with that concept). 

I just continue to pray that God will lead us in the right direction. Lord, help me to discern your will. Keep us on the right path, and if we make a wrong decision, gently guide us back on track. And we just ask that you bring us our babies by whatever means you have planned. Amen!