Weird cycle

I'm so excited I've been tagged by Beth and This Cross I Embrace! I was just beginning to think the blogging community had given up on memes (at least my corner of the blogging world). And that would have been sad because I love them!

I will do them later today, but first I wanted to post what is going on with my VERY WEIRD cycle, even though it's Sunday and no one checks blogs on Sunday.

So this current cycle is reminiscent of my old, screwy cycles. Before my surgeries my cycles were all over the place, but lately (after lowering my prolactin, starting my diet and metformin) it seemed like my cycles were normalizing. For three months in a row I had eight or nine days of mucus followed by twelve dry days.

This cycle was so very, very different. First, I never had any dry days after my period ended; I went right into days of mucus. The mucus lasted for seven days, and was actually pretty normal. Then, on cycle day 16, I had a dry day. CD 17, though, was a mucus day, followed by cd 18 being a dry day. 19 was mucus, 20 was dry. Taking a little departure from the pattern, 21 was dry, 22 was mucus, and 23 was dry (and when I say mucus, all the mucus I saw in the past week was peak-type mucus, although technically they probably would get yellow stickers. Frankly, though, I am so over learning when to use yellow stickers).

So that brings us to today, cd 24. Well, believe it or not, today I am spotting. It's not a total surprise, since I did feel some pms symptoms a few days ago (which I thought was very early and very strange at the time), but early nonetheless. It's eight days past my first peak, and six days past my second peak.

Other odd symptoms of note - I have been super tired lately, even falling asleep during the day two days ago (something I never do) and I'll probably nap today as well. I also felt really nauseous last night (and it's not from the met because I've been fine with that for the last two weeks now).

So, who knows what it is. The thing that could depress me (if not for my recent good outlook of course) is that things had been looking more normal since May. Now, my cycle is just as screwy as it always has been. And this happens the same cycle I raise my dose of met? It's not what I expected at all.

I am really starting to think met isn't going to fix my problems. I think they are too severe. But why did it seem to work at first? I may never know.

I know it is in God's hands, and I'm doing everything I can. I sometimes feel like God is stripping me of all happiness, of all positive developments, so that I may completely rely on Him (or that He gave the the grace of feeling peaceful this cycle because He knew bad news was coming). I will continue to rely on Him, because there is no other option.

Sorry to be all gloom and doom. I guess my cycle could just as easily be back to normal next month (and no, I didn't have any extra stress this month. My husband did have back surgery, but I wouldn't say that caused any more stress than normal). Let's hope. I just pray that my body can respond to the medication and the diet. I pray that this cycle was a fluke, and things will normalize next month.

We're heading up north tonight at 12:30 (a.m., that is) when my husband gets off of work. Please say a prayer for our safe travels if you get a chance!

A miscellaneous update

Not much to report except some good news - I am hopefully officially over my met sickness, thanks be to God! It appears, for the time being at least, that the metformin-related nausea was just my body getting used to the new medication. It lasted six days. Since Thursday I have felt fine. AND I've even eaten salad at a restaurant twice and haven't been too diligent about taking the pill with milk. And I still have felt fine. I am super appreciative of this and do not take it for granted, believe me! (Now let's just hope that tomorrow's post doesn't begin with "Well, I spoke to soon...")

As for my cycle, today is day nine. Things are looking fairly normal so far, and hopefully they'll stay that way (or improve of course) over the next three to eight months (which is how long the met is supposed to take to kick in). I've decided that I'm going to wait this out as patiently as possible. I should be glad that there is no immediate pressure for the medication to work. I don't have to begin to worry until next year, and even then I hope that I'll have grown enough spiritually to where worry is no longer in my vocabulary (now that's a goal). It's slowly starting to sink in that God is really, really good and that he does have plans for us. And I don't mean that in a line-that-I-just-feed-myself sort of way. I don't know when my miracle will come, or how it will be delivered, or if it's even what I'm imagining (knowing God, probably not), but something is in the works.

My husband is doing much better today. We even went out to eat tonight (and let's just say I carbo-loaded on some dark wheat bread at a certain chain restaurant with an Austrialian theme. I actually lost all control and my poor husband was reduced to putting the remaining bread IN HIS DRINKING GLASS so as to "ruin" it for me [he was trying to do me a favor since he figured I'd regret it later]. But because a little water never hurt anyone, I managed to grab some of what was left. Hey, at least it was wheat!) and don't tell anyone but he had a beer even though he's on steroids and pain pills (my mom, a nurse, gave him the official okay). He deserved it after all he's gone through. And he really is handling everything so well, despite the craziness that the medications are causing his system. I will say that I am thoroughly enjoying him being home with me, especially now that he's getting back to his normal self (not that I didn't also love and appreciate the "sick" him as well). Hopefully he won't get sick of me!

Metformin and me

Ahhh! This metformin is really getting to me!

I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record, but I need to vent. I was a little nauseous this morning (it's technically Thursday morning right now, but I'm referring to Wednesday here), but was okay this afternoon. So I ate some low-carb pasta salad I made (lately, nearly-plain pasta is one of the only things that appeals to me) and took a pill. I actually felt good for a while and even ate some more pasta a couple hours later. Then, about four hours after taking the met the nausea set in. I'm starting to notice a trend - I feel sick 3-4 hours after each dose. Anyways, it got better but by then I had entered my no-food zone of 8:30 to 11:30. At midnight, I started to feel very ill and actually thought I was going to pass out, so I laid down (yes, I made my poor husband, who is recovering from surgery, get off the couch for me. It was that bad). At this point, I was due for another dose (just what I wanted!), so I forced myself to eat some toast and took the pill. Oh - and I've had horrible heart burn off and on all day.

So that's what my day looked like. I'm not sure if the fact that I'm eating very little is adding to my problem, or if it's that when I do eat I'm eating mainly carbs. I read somewhere that I should have some protein to help with the nausea, but I can't bring myself to make anything. My husband hasn't had much of an appetite either, but he's getting better each day so tomorrow I might try to make a balanced meal.

If this lasts another week or two, I might call my doctor and see if there's anything I can do, like switching to extended release. Right now I'm just grateful to God that I feel like I can handle this (even though it probably doesn't seem that way from this blog!). And even though we're not getting along too well at the moment, I'm still holding out hope that I will grow to love metformin once it is responsible for my first pregnancy!

Home from the hospital

Well my husband's surgery went very well. Thanks for all your prayers! He stayed overnight in the hospital (the reclining chair I slept in was surprisingly comfortable!) and we went home this afternoon. He didn't react well to the anesthesia and/or morphine last night, but his stomach is much better today. He has back pain from the surgery of course, but his leg, which was where his pain was the last few weeks, is already much better, which hopefully means the nerve will bounce back.

He told me he's afraid I'll post on here that he's acting like a big baby, but honestly he's being really good. Of course, he has to live up to the standard I set after my surgeries because I wasn't a baby at all. And that's saying a lot because I'm likely to act like a baby for no apparent reason on a typical day. Anyway, he's going to be out of work for two weeks, so we'll get to spend a lot of time together. Maybe if he's bored I'll get him to do a guest post on this blog!

As for my current status, which is far less important but still the main purpose of this blog, I am in the midst of full-blown Metformin nausea. Food is not only not appetizing, it is my enemy. And not for the usual reason that we have a love-hate relationship. No, I hate food now because I have to eat it and I don't want to. Not a problem I've ever experienced before, that's for sure. I now eat only under two circumstances: 1) When I have to take one of my two pills which must be taken with food (or I'll become even more nauseous, I suppose) or 2) when my nausea suddenly turns to immense hunger, like I haven't eaten in a week (which happens twice a day lately).

I just feel like there has got to be something I can do. Are there foods to stay away from (other than lettuce)? Are there foods I should be eating (I'm obviously on my diet, which should be met-friendly)? Should I not take the met at the same time as my prolactin medication (both need to be taken twice a day with food and eating four times sounds awful to me right now)? I've googled the heck out of it, but never come up with much useful information. I'm still hoping that the symptoms will subside once my body is use to the medicine. It's been five days so far.

The sick feeling is manageable if it increases my chances of conceiving. I'll go through much worse if it means getting pregnant. It definitely won't cause me to decrease the dose because this apparently is my only chance. I do get nervous, though, when I think that I might have to be on this medication indefinitely, for my overall health. If it comes to that (after I've had several children, of course), hopefully taking a low dose, combined with diet, will be enough.

Okay, enough about me. I feel bad complaining when my husband's in his current condition.

How quickly things change

After my post yesterday, my mood seems to have gone down hill. Here's a brief synopsis of what has taken place:

* I spotted a HUGE bug (like half a foot long! definitely at least three inches) in my kitchen and I lost it. I had a panic attack, mainly because I was home alone and my husband wasn't there to kill it, and he wasn't due home from work for another hour. So after screaming in horror for a while, I think I sufficiently scared it and it ran off behind our cabinets. That meant it was lost and could turn up at any moment, so I retreated to the bedroom and placed a towel underneath the door (yes, I really did, something I learned when the house was infested with bees). I called my mom, crying probably a little too hard, and I'm pretty sure she officially thinks I have a serious mental problem. She's probably scheduling an intervention as we speak. Luckily, I decided today that it wasn't practical to only live in the bedroom (and it's not like bugs can't find me there anyways) and I have nervously been in the living room. I avoided the kitchen until about 30 minutes ago, though, when I got up the nerve to clean everything it might have touched.

* I now officially know what everyone is talking about when it comes to Metformin. Thanks to the bug, I didn't make dinner and so we got subs. These subs are entirely G.I.-friendly, though. They're tiny, on whole wheat rolls and I get nothing on it except turkey, lettuce, tomato and I put on low-fat mayo at home. Well, apparently it didn't agree with Metformin, because I woke up very sick at 4 a.m. Today I feel like I'm getting over a stomach bug or kind of like I'm hung over. From what I've read, it could have been from the lettuce. I'll stay clear of that for now, that's for sure. I'm still taking it before the meal with milk and all of that, but if anyone has any other advice, let me know. I just hope that if this is how I'll feel on the increased dose, that it goes away after a week or so of taking it, but I know for many it does not. Not taking it, or reducing the dose, is not an option.

* I know this might sound silly, but the other day I stubbed my toe. I stubbed it so bad that the nail almost came off and it hasn't stopped seeping since. I haven't wanted to complain about this because it just seemed so dumb in light of my husband's impending BACK SURGERY, you know? Today, though, I reinjured it by placing a laundry basket on top of it. Basically anything touching it reinjures it.

So that's what my past 24 hours looks like. Combine these instances with crazy hormones, and you get a crying mess.

Don't get me wrong, I know I don't have it bad. And in an effort to balance this post out, I'm including a quote from a story on 60 Minutes tonight about Darfur. This is what a doctor at a refugee camp had to say about the situation there:

"This is bad. They go to the villages and they burn one village after another. Then when the people come out they catch the women and they gang-bang, they rape them, not one guy, no, ten, fifteen and then they carve up the men and throw them in the drinking water to make sure this place will never, ever be used again. And you're telling me the people in America don't know this or don't want to know this? Maybe it's too much to know, but that's what's happening right now and it's happening all over again. I'm sorry to say I'm gonna sit here in two years time and I'm gonna tell you the same sad story and people will say (words in German), which is German for "I didn't know."

He really said it all there. It's horror beyond our comprehension. And his remarks at the end brought to mind the Holocaust, you know? We think we would have done something had we lived during that time, but it's going on today in parts of the world and we do nothing. But what can we do? Donating money and spreading the word just seems silly in the grand scheme of things. I guess we can pray though. It also makes me so sad to see all the orphaned children who are dying. I'll take all of them home! I would fill my house with them if we were allowed. So my stubbed toe seems ridiculous in light of this, and my infertility even seems dwarfed. I guess it's good to remind ourselves of that once in a while.

Normalcy is good

First of all, thank you guys for your supportive comments on my last post. I was a little nervous to put that out there, but I'm not anymore. Not only do I feel like it should be said, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I am among those who should be saying it more often. As Katie pointed out in her comment, fertile women are sometimes chastised for speaking out about an issue some think they don't have the right to talk about (it shouldn't be like that, but it is). So that got me thinking. Maybe I am someone who can and should be speaking out about it, educating other Catholics. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm going through this. I'm not sure in what capacity I could do that, but I guess I'll pray about it.

Anyways, it has been a busy few days. I head back to VA tomorrow morning. If you get a chance, please pray for my husband. He is having horrible pain in one of his legs and he even went to the ER this morning. Of course this happens when I am not there, of all times, and the worst of it happened while I was on the air this morning so no one could even reach me (and keep in mind - I am normally always home and always available). It's bad, though. He hasn't slept since Friday night and the pain meds he got at the ER barely do anything for it. Hopefully we can find out what it is in the next few days and get it taken care of.

As for my cycle, it's day 25 and it's eight days post-peak. The really interesting thing, though, is that this cycle is so far identical to last cycle. I started mucus on the same day (day 11), it lasted for the same amount of time (seven days), and peaked on the same day (day 17). This might sound like no big deal, but you have to understand that no two cycles have even come close to being similar for me in the past. So this is big.

Also big is the fact that the last three cycles - which also happen to be the three cycles since starting my diet - appear very normal. I had a normal amount of mucus, one peak day, and then several dry days. That is HUGE for me. Since I started charting two years ago I have never, until May, had a cycle that appeared "textbook." I almost want to take a picture of my charts before May, because you really have to see them to understand. They're crazy. They're all over the place. I counted, and my cycles prior to May have an average of 3.2 peak days, meaning I wrote the little "P" on the white sticker, had a few dry days, and then had more mucus, and another "P". This happened four or five times during some cycles. I rarely had one peak day. But now... the average number of peak days for my last three cycles is one. One! I love being normal!

Another stat I worked up when I was bored - the average length of my cycle pre-laparotomy was 36.14, while the average length of my cycles post-surgery is 28.6. I just think things are definitely looking up. I can't deny that. Things are changing, and they appear to be changing for the better. I'm not sure if it's my diet, though, because May is also the point at which my prolactin medication probably kicked in. Regardless, something is helping.

So interesting little thing about me lately - I really don't have much of an appetite. That's really weird for me. Really, really weird. I like to eat and I'm hungry often, even on my diet. Today I had to force myself to eat in order to take medication, which I'm about to do again in a few minutes. Maybe it's the Met, but I've been on it for about three weeks at this point and it didn't start until the other day. Speaking of Met, I started taking it with milk and before my meal, and doing so has completely alleviated any stomach upset (which is another reason I'm not sure this is due to the medication).

Well if this cycle continues to mimic last month's, then it will come to a conclusion on Thursday. I've never been predictable, so this is new for me!

Update: So this morning my temp rose to 98.8. That's more good news because it had been hovering around 98.2-98.4 since my peak day and had been below 98.0 before that (and I awoke a couple hours earlier than normal today, and it still rose). I can't tell you how excited I was to see the high temp!

Still feeling out of it

Thanks, everyone, for your prayers. We are still hoping for a miracle. And God is good, so hopefully good can come from every negative situation.

***

So it's been about five days now that I've been feeling really out of it (sorry, can I complain any more about this?). I'm definitely blaming the met at this point, but it's just not what I expected. I was afraid of feeling nauseous, or having some kind of g.i. upset. Instead, I feel faint and shaky, have abdominal pains, and while I don't have a stomach ache, little food is appetizing to me. I also had muscle cramps in my leg and arm yesterday.

I will gladly go through this - or much worse - for a pregnancy. I'm not complaining about it as much as I am just wondering what it is.

So here's my little self-diagnosis for today: Due to a slight aversion to food lately, coupled with not having a lot of groceries in the house, I am eating far less than normal. This has perhaps led to my blood sugar being too low, hence the shaky feeling, and possible even the muscle cramps (that can happen when you're not eating enough, right?). I am also probably not drinking enough water, which can also add to the symptoms. Anyway, this could be very wrong, medically speaking, but I don't have any better ideas. Unless, maybe these are just normal side effects of the met. Anyway, I'll try to eat more throughout the day today (not a statement I have probably ever typed) to see if it helps, but right now we just finished our daily walk and I don't have enough energy to get up and get food. (And as a side-note, in typical "me" fashion, I momentarily thought I had a potential fatal side-effect of met. It wasn't completely out of the blue, because symptoms include sore muscles, abdominal pain and lightheadedness. Okay, as I type that I am still wondering if I do have it! My mother, though, told me it sounds like I have medical student syndrome. I prefer to call it heavily-medicated-and-nearly-four-years-in infertility patient syndrome.)

I am also having good mucus and today will hopefully be the fifth fertile day so far. My temp is still down, and actually dropped a little more today so hopefully it's getting ready for a nice, big spike. I am also down another couple pounds, to 18 pounds total. My husband is still going strong, too, and today he made the cutest observation. As he was getting ready for work he commented about how great it is that his pants are never tight anymore and that "this is totally worth not eating potato chips." That is huge for my husband! He LOVES himself some potato chips.

In a completely unrelated topic, here's my moral question for the day: Is it wrong to not answer the door when someone knocks on it? A group of people were just going door to door probably selling something and when they got to mine, I acted like I wasn't here. And then another person in the group knocked five minutes later, and, again, I pretended like I wasn't here. Part of me feels like this is sinful, that I am lying. The main reason I did it is because I feel like I'm always hearing stories on the news about people knocking on doors and then forcing themselves into the house and robbing the person. I am home alone and I just don't feel comfortable answering the door. But is that a good enough reason? Do I need to confess it? On one hand, you could say it's no different than letting a call go to your voicemail, right?

Alright, that's it for now. I'm off to write a reference letter for a friend's adoption. They're adopting a baby from Ethiopia, which is something I'd totally be interested in if it didn't involve flying to Ethiopia. My husband, meanwhile, thinks that's a reason to do it.

Still confused

I'm still not feeling 100%, and I just can't figure out if it's due to the metformin or ovulation. Here are my symptoms: tired (not that that's new), stomach is a little off (not enough to be nauseous and I can still eat, but it's just off), I'm a little bloated, and I have pain on my left side. It sounds like ovulation when I type it out, but when it's happening I tend to blame it on the met. One odd thing, though, is that I had pain on the left side last month too. I know you can ovulate on the same side two months in a row (right?), but how normal is that? I guess I'm just worried that it's a cyst or something.

Meanwhile, something has been permeating my thoughts lately (and, from past experience, when that happens, it's usually God trying to send me a message): I need to stop stressing over the details. I need to stop worrying if there's a cyst on my left ovary. If I'm ovulating. What my estrogen is doing. If and when the met will work. I'm not saying I want to stop thinking about those things; while it would be kind of relaxing not to, it does give me a sense of control over my problem, even if that so-called control is all in my head. But, that is the exact reason I need to stop thinking about those details - the truth is I have no control over them, and by acting like I do, I am lying to myself and God. I need to focus what I do have control over - taking my medication, trying to live stress-free, eating right, losing weight, charting, and making use of my fertile days.

Okay, that being said...

Do you think this recent pain is due to ovulation or the met? (I'll turn over my new leaf tomorrow!)

Ovulation symptoms?

I'm feeling better, psychologically speaking. Thank you, everyone, for your prayers and support. I'm going to have a bad day now and then, so thanks for reminding me that God is good and that I should have hope. Today was much better and I also firmly believe it has something to do with hormones (I'm not saying my feelings are completely due to hormones, but I think hormones determine when I feel the heartache more deeply). 

I'm not sure what cycle day it is off the top of my head (and I'm too lazy to walk into the other room to check), but I'm guessing it's like day eleven or twelve. Late tonight I started having abdominal pain. My entire abdominal region was rock hard and bloated, with pain mainly on the left side. It's not from food because I haven't eaten much today and haven't had anything out of the ordinary. I'm hoping this is just my ovaries getting ready to ovulate. I can't imagine I'm ovulating now, though, because my temp is still low and today was only my first day of mucus.

I haven't traditionally experienced a "feeling" of ovulation, like some women report, but the past couple cycles I have had some mid-cycle pain (further proving my point that this ovulation thing is fairly new for me). And speaking of ovulation, we are determined to use the right days this cycle. It seems like every time I look back on my chart we never used every opportunity. There's always a gap or I thought we'd have more time only to find out it was my last day of mucus. Or - and this happens almost like clockwork each month - we have a fight on what would have been our best day. What's with that? I'm sure it wouldn't have mattered, but it just makes you wonder!  

And one more update - the met is still going well. I experience a very slight upset feeling in my stomach a couple times each day but I definitely wouldn't go so far as to call it nausea. And I don't know if it's a coincidence, but I'm not as hungry as often (which is fine by me!). 

Alright, I'm off to bed.

Ask and you shall receive

So yesterday I realized that my medication that lowers my prolactin is about to run out. I need it refilled, but since I have unofficially switched from working with PPVI to my local doctor, I didn't want to call PPVI for the prescription. It immediately occured to me that it would be a perfect excuse opportunity to call my doctor and ask about my metformin dose!

So this is how the call went yesterday:

Me (after first asking my "cover" question): While I've got you on the phone, I mean, this isn't a big deal or anything, but I was just wondering about my metformin dosage. I'm on the lowest dose and my next appointment isn't for four months, so does the doctor plan on having me raise it at some point? I mean, it's not a big deal if he doesn't. I'm fine on the low dose. I was just curious.

As if the nurse was writing all that down. This was probably the message:

Patient wants to know if she should increase her metformin dose at some point.

It's just that I'm very afraid of sounding pushy. I never want the doctor to think that I think I know more than him, so I was very hesitant to even ask. But... the nurse called back this morning and said I am supposed to raise my dose to 1000 mg (500 mg 2x a day) in three weeks. So now I'm glad I called! He definitely didn't tell me that at my appointment, and perhaps didn't consider it until he got my message. He almost didn't even put me on the medication, since he thinks I might be able to correct it with diet alone.

I am still reacting just fine to the met, and I hope the increased dose doesn't affect me negatively either. I know that some people are fine on 500 mg and then have side-effects when the dose increases, but I am going to assume I'll be okay.

In the meantime, I've decided I really need to start praying more. I always say that, but nothing really ever changes. I've considered a nightly Rosary, novenas, a daily Divine Mercy Chaplet. I also know that saying formal prayers isn't the only way to go, so I'm also trying to find a way to encorporate some silent prayer time into my day. Going to adoration is a good way to do that and my church has it once a week, which I currently don't attend (yes, believe it or not I am ashamed to admit I don't go weekly. The girl doing a documentary on adoration hasn't gone in quite some time). Right now all I am doing is talking to God a few times a day and I know that isn't enough. I'm leaning towards a nightly Rosary with my husband and adoration once a week, with the occasional novena thrown in. Anyone have any advice for what to pray or what's worked for them?

So far, so good

Well I took my first dose of metformin this morning. Nothing to really report yet, except in just the last half hour or so I've felt like my stomach is a little off and my head hurts a bit. But that might just be me looking for it. Just in case, though, I'm going to lay down for a while and take it easy. I think my dose is pretty low, though, so I have a feeling I'll be okay.

In the good news department, we have found the perfect place for our movie premiere. It's at a really classy art museum in the city we used to live in (and the city that the movie is set in). They have a theater that seats the perfect number - not too big and not too small - and it is (surprisingly) affordable. So we're excited!

In other good news, I am all set to go to a water park in about a week and a half. Did I mention we're going to a water park? It's something I haven't done since I was a kid (mainly because we didn't live in a part of the country where they existed), but it's always been something I've absolutely loved. So as I've been trying to find fun things to do to get my mind off of infertility, this came up. I haven't wanted to do it in years mainly due to not wanting to wear a bathing suit. Well, I still don't want to wear a bathing suit, but since I feel so much better about myself I have at least found a solution. This might sound weird, but I found men's swim trunks at J Cr.ew that, when worn in a smaller size, don't appear to be men's swim trunks (hopefully), and I'm going to wear them with a tankini on top. I figured that even if I was skinny, I wouldn't want to parade around in bathing suit bottoms anyway! I'll have to post a picture of myself in my "bathing suit" at some point!

Right now I'm watching my hubby on t.v. He isn't normally on at this hour, but he's filling in for someone. He's wearing a new suit that he bought on Monday, which looks really good! I'm so proud of him for dropping so much weight, too. It has made it SO much easier that he is dieting right along with me.

Sorry for the boring post, but I figured after a couple heavy ones, I needed to lighten up!