What a day

Is anyone else sickened by all this media coverage? Not that I am watching any, because I sure as heck am not. But the few seconds I have caught have been embarrassing. They have all lost their minds. I turned to NBC for three seconds this afternoon only to hear Brian Williams imply that he cried during the speech. WHAT? I don't care if every single man, woman and child in America cried during that speech, a journalist should NEVER say that!

These journalists are gushing and it is embarrassing and unethical (except for my husband, of course. He's the only one who didn't have a huge smile on his face). That is not their job. Go home and watch it on DVR after your shift and cry all you want in the privacy of your own home. Just don't do it while wearing your journalist hat.

I could go on and on, but for the sake of my sanity, I won't.

In cycle news, I talked with my Creighton practitioner last night and she helped me clear everything up. I love talking with her! It's like talking with my doctor. They're so positive and calm me right down.

She thinks my peak day was Saturday, based on yellow stamp instructions. So that means my temp rise came one day before my peak day this cycle, which I'm pretty sure is good news.

Speaking of temp rises, I looked through my past three or four months of charts and discovered that has never happened before - my temp always rises after my peak day. So I'm taking that as a good sign! It's something different, at least, and different is good.

Well I'm off to adoration. I don't like going by myself at night, but like the woman in charge of the adoration chapel I went to in New York always said, our angels are protecting us. I will be praying for all of you! And for all the unborn babies, for those who get abortions, perform abortions, fight for abortion, promote abortion and legislate abortion. And for our president, that he may have a conversion and that his heart may be softened. God has performed bigger miracles than that...It could happen.

Miscellaneous update

I went from having a ton of information to share the last couple days, to being kind of boring. I've been trying to process everything from the appointment, yet at times I'm trying more to not process it and just be happy. I had blood drawn on Tuesday and, of course, I am starting to get a little nervous that the results will come back that my hormones haven't improved. I'm just trying to prepare myself for that. I'll probably dedicate a whole post to it in the coming days.

In the meantime, I am excited to watch the progress in my cycle. Instead of putting all of my energy into hoping for a positive pregnancy test, I am looking forward to getting excited over things going right in general. Small goals. For instance, hopefully seeing less spotting over the next few days (I'm currently on day five) and possibly heading right into either dry days or mucus, and looking for good mucus with a clear peak, as well as less spotting at the end. These will all be great signs that I'm getting healthy.

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In other news, I've been dealing with an addiction to strawberries. They are my crack (I think I've been watching too much Intervention on A&E). For a while I was going through a box a day, but now I'm trying to spread one over two days. It's an expensive habit, but there could be worse (and more expensive) things to be addicted to. Like real crack. I realized that it had reached a new level last night as I was driving home from the store at 9:45 with a fresh box. We had just gone out to dinner (my belated cycle-day-one "celebration"), and then we were home, exhausted, full and just wanting to relax. Then I remembered we had no strawberries. Well, sitting home without any strawberries in the kitchen is not an option for me lately; I was getting shaky at the idea of it. So I went to the store. And I must have really needed them, because I am l-a-z-y, lazy. They were soooo delicious, and they are now gone.

Speaking of my dinner out, it was very yummy. Chicken fingers and a salad. I almost can't wait until next month!

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Has anyone seen the new Volks.wagen commercials? From the perspective of an infertile woman, they're kind of annoying. They're tongue and cheek, all about how couples are popping out tons of babies just as an excuse to buy some family car. I suppose this might be funny to someone who can get pregnant, but to me it's just a reminder that it's a breeze for "normal" people. Oh well. I also find it interesting that they feature Broo.ke Shiel.ds, someone who dealt with infertilty herself.

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Before I go, I just wanted to ask you to please pray for "K," a young woman who is scheduled to have an abortion tomorrow. She talked on the phone with one of our 40 Days volunteers a couple times and it seemed promising, but then she failed to meet up with her today at the pregnancy resource center like they had planned. We assume her appointment for tomorrow is still on. Please pray for her and her baby.

Antsy

I just want this cycle to end. I feel like it's mocking me because for some reason - despite that fact that I am diseased and have bad ovaries - I am ludicrous enough to actually think I have a shred of hope right now. I can't even believe I just typed that, but I wanted to be honest.

I hate feeling like this. The protective side of me is screaming, "NO! Don't fall for it! You are infertile! And it will hurt even more this way!" So if it's going to end, just end already.

I seriously have only had hope one other time in the past two years and, of course, that time was a big flop. It's humiliating, isn't it? Something about it is humiliating. I guess that means I have pride, and perhaps God is trying to highlight one of the areas in which I need to 'die to self'. I think I might have asked him to do that very thing a while ago. Hmmm.

I thought it might end today when I woke up and my bbt was down to 97.9. Oh, but don't worry! Psycho me took it three times until finally, after trying to go back to sleep for 15 minutes, it went up to 98.1, putting me back in the safe zone (albeit somewhat manipulated). I am having more pain and cramping today. It's not too bad, but it is now on both sides. Also, I haven't seen any more spotting, for what that's worth.

I'm only ten days post peak today, and lately I've been typically having an eleven day luteal phase, which would mean I have today and tomorrow left to wait. So I guess this is all premature. I just need to get through the next couple days, go to my doctor's appointment on Monday, and then go out to eat once the cycle has officially ended.

I've gone through it roughly 49 times already. I should be prepared by now.

With all this on my mind, I'm having a hard time seeing the women go into and out of the abortion clinic. Just knowing they're pregnant. I feel just like I would if I was at a big, happy baby shower, yet this mother is going to likely kill her baby. So it's that jealousy mixed with disgust over the woman killing what I long for most in the world. I think it's taking a toll on me. I'm not going to go tomorrow, and just take a day off.

Right now I'm antsy. I was looking forward to resting today but now I'm just bored. God, please give me patience.

Good mood

Well, she pulled it off! Sarah Palin was amazing tonight. I have to admit, I was nervous, but she was able to come off as intelligent and in command, while still letting her down-home charm shine through. Granted, I only watch Fox, but even the Democrats on there were complimentary of her. The only thing they can say is "sure, she's nice, but she didn't differentiate herself and John McCain from Bush..." If that's all they can say, you know they think she won, too!

On another topic (although not completely unrelated), I'm a really good mood! I think it might be the crisp fall air today. It was so beautiful today for my shift at the clinic. Usually it's hard to be there and I feel really dark and down, but today I loved it. It was so nice out and I felt really peaceful when I prayed. I also spent about 45 minutes talking to the cop that the clinic pays to "protect" them. It was funny, that when the doctor drove up I all of a sudden see this cop walk out, as if to protect him. Then it occurred to me, he's protecting the doctor from me! It just struck me as funny. Anyways, the cop eventually came over to me and we talked all about politics, tonight's debate, a little about abortion in an abstract sense, but more about the other protestors who aren't affiliated with 40 Days for Life. We agreed that they were going about it the wrong way.

The rest of the afternoon, and still tonight, I was just in a great mood. It's funny what your hormones can do, because last night I was miserable. I was on edge for no reason (well, other than infertility always being a reason) and depressed. And today I was happy for no apparent reason.

Speaking of hormones, still no more spotting. I guess the next thing I have to look forward to is taking my temp in the morning to see if it's dropped yet. I need that extra warning that the cycle is ending. Know what I mean? Otherwise, I feel so beaten by just suddenly getting my period, like it got me. One point for it. Does anyone else get nervous taking their bbt in the morning? Every morning I wake up and quickly take it, and some mornings I even wake up constantly to see if it's time yet. Of course, I don't want to take it too early, because then it might be too low. So I'll take it again tomorrow morning, hoping it stays at 98.2 or possibly even higher.

Have a great night! (although you'll probably be reading this in the morning...)

More random thoughts

Some good news is putting me in a good mood today! I am only 1.6 lbs away from my goal weight. This is huge, because for basically the entire month of September I had plateaued. Then October rolls around and the weight is flying off. I love October!

I'm not sure why this is happening, other than I have recently become obsessed with strawberries. I eat them several times a day, and, I have to admit, sometimes I even melt some dark chocolate and dip them in. It's heavenly. So if strawberries and chocolate have made all the difference, then I can live with that.

In cycle news, I haven't seen any spotting since Wednesday. I have had some other weird symptoms, though. My left leg aches. Now, usually before I get my period, both legs ache. It's sort of a lack-of-blood-flow kind of feeling, at least that's what I think. But this time it's only my left leg and it's more of a nerve feeling. I can feel the pain go around the outside of my thigh and then all the way down my shin. It's worse when I stand, and I've been noticing it especially during the hour I stand at the abortion clinic each day. I don't personally think it's some kind of sciatica thing, especially since my husband just went through that (who knows, though, it's probably not related to my cycle at all. I could get a hang nail and think it's cycle-related!). The other symptom I'm having is pain near where I assume my left ovary is located. I guess it could be some other internal organ, but I doubt it. It's a somewhat constant aching feeling and sometimes it spreads to both sides, but is mainly on just the left.

I'm not sure what these symptoms mean (and they probably just mean I'm about to get my period), but they're new and worth noting, I guess.

While I'm trying to convince myself that my cycle is about to end, usually I wouldn't see weight loss during that time. I get bloated and my weight usually plateaus the week before. So maybe I do have some time left. It is only day 22, after all. And also, my bbt is still up. It's been at 98.2 since my peak day.

What I do know is that when this cycle does come to an end, I'm going out to eat and getting chicken fingers. Is she going to cheat, you ask? No! For all you low G.I.-ers out there, Un.o's chicken fingers are pretty low in fat, calories, sugar and carbs (and there are other menu items that are good as well. I'm always looking for good restaurant options!). So at least I have that to look forward to!

Oh, and my doctor's appointment is now just around the corner. Four days and counting! I'm going to work on putting together a list of questions, so maybe I'll post them here. I realized today, though, that Monday won't be a huge appointment because it will be mainly for testing to see if the metformin has been working. We won't know any good news or bad news (which is good because we're meeting friends for dinner afterwards and I'd hate to do that if I just learned I was completely barren!). But I love anything that furthers this journey, so I'm totally looking forward to Monday.

One more thing - please pray for a girl named Kendra. She was walking into the abortion clinic right as I was leaving two days ago, and another 40 Days for Life volunteer had a chance to talk with her. The girl was two months along and so the woman showed her a pamphlet with photos at every stage of development. She was able to flip through and find what her baby looks like right now. The girl started crying and told her she was thinking about not having it now. She still went in the clinic for an ultrasound (they don't show the girls the picture, though, not surprisingly) and told the volunteer she'd call her yesterday. I don't know what ended up happening, but if you could say a prayer for her, that'd be great.

And speaking of 40 Days for Life, I just want to add how awesome it is that so many of our volunteers are young women, just like myself (yes, I consider my 31 years old young!). I think it says something, not only to those going in (that hopefully they can relate to them more than an old man) but also to those driving by. We're not weirdos and freaks! We are just like you and your friends. We're NORMAL! Anyways, just wanted to share that!

Weird news and bad news

Today is cycle day 20. This morning when I woke up I had some spotting. Okay, stop reading if you don't want a description of it. Still here? Well, this time it was pink, with a little tiny bit of brown mucus. That was it and I haven't seen it since.

So now I've had spotting one time on day 15 and spotting one time (so far) on day 20. I am about seven or eight days past when I think I may have ovulated. What could this mean? Would an infection cause intermittent spotting throughout the middle of a cycle? I usually have it at the end and at the end of my period, but never now. I guess there's a chance this is just the precursor to my period and maybe it will come any time now. But that would still be super early. Like I said before, the earliest I've ever gotten my period was like day 26, and that was very early for me. Why do my cycles keep getting weirder and weirder? I was hoping for more normalcy, but I trust that this is part of God's plan. I can't help but think maybe if some new symptom rears its head, it will allow us to have it treated, and ultimately be a good thing.

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Now the bad news. My friends who adopted will lose their baby tomorrow. This is just worst-case scenario and I am sure they are distraught. My heart breaks for them. It just makes me want to scream "Why, Lord?" This, combined with standing outside the abortion clinic this morning and watching girls go in (I was able to mutter, "We're praying for you" to a couple of them), just makes me tempted lose faith in this world. Why do such horrible things like this happen? Why does God allow it? Why does God intervene in some scenarios, but not others? I know, I know, God has a plan for my friends and this is part of it, as difficult as it is. And as for those who have abortions, God is able to work miracles in some cases, but perhaps in the others the women choose to reject him. That's the only thing I can come up with - that there is evil in this world and we have a choice to bring it into our lives or reject it. Or, we may not choose it at all, but others do, and it effects us. Evil is out there and until we meet God our Father in heaven, it will be a reality we have to deal with. May God give us strength to live in this fallen world!

Thank you all so much for your prayers for my friends. If possible, remember them today and also tomorrow, when they will have to give their precious baby back. May God heal them and hold them close to him.

I do have some good news, though. This morning a woman entered the clinic only to leave a little while later. Before she drove off, she pulled her car over to the volunteers for 40 Days for Life who were there at the time and rolled down her window. She told them she had changed her mind and wasn't going to have an abortion and thanked them. Amazing! God is so good and we rejoice in this news!

Cycle update and prayer requests - Updated

I haven't posted about my cycle in a while, so I thought I'd give a little update. I should point out, though, that I didn't chart while we were gone this week and so I'm not entirely sure how it all went down.

What I do know:

• Today is cycle day 15.
• My period lasted for five days with the fifth day being just spotting.
• Mucus started on day six and, with the exception of a dry day on day nine, lasted through til day 13.
• Yesterday, day 14, I saw 8 PC; I think this would normally be a yellow stamp day, but because it follows a peak day, I believe it should get a light green post-peak sticker instead.
• My bbt was low on Sunday (97.4) and high yesterday (98.1) and again today (98.3). I did not take it Monday or Tuesday since we were away.

So what's different? Well, a lot of things. My period was about three days shorter than it normally is for me. My mucus started three days earlier and ended about three days earlier.

If I ovulated, I'm guessing it could have happened on Monday or Tuesday. I'm basing this on a couple things: 1) Tuesday was my last peak-type mucus day, and, 2) while I did not take my bbt on Monday or Tuesday, it was low on Sunday morning and high on Wednesday morning.

As for other possible symptoms of ovulation or anovulation (depending on what these symptoms may mean), I had pretty severe cramping over the weekend (a day or two prior to ovulation if, in fact, I did ovulate early this week) and even had to use a heating pad. I also had a bad headache Sunday night. I have also experienced back pains since the weekend, which is very unusual for me.

I'm trying to be patient for my next doctor's appointment on Oct. 6. I'm just getting nervous that I'll just come out of it with nothing but another appointment in another four months. If that does happen, well, I have to trust God that it will be best. I also can't be scared of finding out that the met isn't working because that won't necessarily be a bad thing. We can probably raise the dose and it might be that it just needs more time.

Before I go, I have some prayer requests. Please pray for T.C., a mother in her thirties who was just diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. Also, for K.P. who is dying of breast cancer and may have just a few days left.

I am also taking part in the 40 Days For Life campaign today and will be praying outside of a clinic in Richmond. Please join me in praying for the unborn, especially those whose mothers will visit abortion clinics today. I will also pray for all those who are unable to bare children themselves, because I can't help but connect these two things - the millions of women who kill their unwanted babies and the millions of women who pray and hope that one day they'll be able to have life within their womb. Maybe all of us struggling with infertility should adopt spiritual children - those in the wombs of women currently deciding whether to keep the child or abort - and pray for them especially. We may not have our own, but we can give our love to their children in the meantime.

Update: Okay, something is up. I just had some spotting. Sorry for the gory details, but it was brown and slightly mucusy. But it's day 15. Day 15! I've never got my period this early. In past cycles, the earliest I ever got my period was day 26 and the earliest I ever started spotting was day 24. Heck, when I first started charting my cycles went 40+ days! Oh well, I'm fine. This is truly a rollercoaster ride and I trust in God that everything will be okay. And if I do oddly get my period super early this cycle, at least I have a doctor's appointment in a week and a half.

Listen to me on the radio

Hi, everyone! I'm back and have lots of pictures to share with you all from our NYC trip. Before I can post them though, I have to do a radio interview to talk on behalf of a local pro-life group I'm a part of regarding the start of our 40 Days For Life Campaign. If you want to listen to it live on the internet, I'll be on from 4-5 p.m. and the station's website runs live audio. Just click here and then click on the "on air" button. I think they'll be talking with me in between songs, so if there's music playing that's why. Wish me luck!

I CANNOT believe it!

Wow!!!!!!!!!!! She has been my dream pick for McCain's running mate, but in recent months I had resigned myself to the fact that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin wasn't the one. And then my husband woke me up this morning SCREAMING that she was it!

From Wikipedia, about her baby with Downs Syndrome:

Palin refused to let the results of prenatal genetic testing change her decision to have the baby. "I'm looking at him right now, and I see perfection," Palin said. "Yeah, he has an extra chromosome. I keep thinking, in our world, what is normal and what is perfect?"

She is just incredible. Incredible! I honestly didn't think he had it in him. I am SO proud of John McCain for this pick! He has officially fired me up, so I hope the rest of the conservative base is too!

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Update

Just watched her speech and I am in AWE. I didn't want it to end. And when she walked out - TO THE THEME FROM RUDY, I might add - with her children and her daughter holding her little baby, I cried. One of the best political moments I have ever witnessed.

Checking in

I'm not sure why I haven't been posting a lot lately, at least for me. Perhaps, as I've read others remark as well lately on their blogs, my recent good mood hasn't lent itself to posting. Maybe it's because I've been unusually busy lately, handling DVD orders and even creating a Web site for a friend of my mom (if you knew me you'd think this was bizarre, but she liked my site and is paying me generously). Or maybe it is because I have become obsessed with watching the Olympics. I love all of it and I can't get enough. I talked a big game all summer about wanting to boycott it, but that hasn't worked out the way I had planned.

Whatever the reason, I just haven't felt the motivation to write. Which is weird because I have a lot of things to say. I'll get to it all sooner or later.

My big accomplishment today (or, actually, my husband's accomplishment) was putting Pay.pal up on the movie's website. In just a couple hours we've already gotten two orders.

Speaking of my husband, as I type this, he is interviewing Bar.ack Oba.ma. He was scheduled to at eight. As he was contemplating questions to ask the past couple days, I, of course, told him to ask Oba.ma why he kills babies, with a follow-up of what he'll say to them if he meets them in Heaven. That wouldn't be weird, right? Needless to say, those will not be among the questions my husband asks. Darn.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Update - So I just talked to my husband and it went really well. 'Really well' meaning he got in a bunch of questions in very little time, wasn't afraid to cut him off, and even got under his skin. I'm so proud! It was a one-on-one interview and he got three minutes. So Ry.an (because I'm tired of typing out "my husband," I will officially start using his real name) asked him about the VP because he had to, then asked him about missile defense and squeezed in two follow-ups, then asked him about values voters. So Oba.ma gave him some predictable answer about Evangelicals, but then Ry.an cut him off and said, "But what about the social issues..." but Oba.ma cut him off and said, "I think we're done here!" Then he said something like, "You got in more than you should have." Then when his press secretary brought in the next reporter and photographer, she told them they had three minutes, to which Oba.ma added, "Hopefully she'll do a better job reigning you in than she did with this guy!" referring to my husband. Isn't that great? I'm so proud of him! I'll post a picture, or possibly even video if I can, later.

A touchy topic

So I'm watching Oprah. I should know better, but it's on the t.v. at my parents' house so I started watching. Not surprisingly she's talking about a subject somewhat related to infertility (I feel like every time I happen to watch that show it's about infertility... or dogs) and, of course, it started out about how great sperm donation is. Then, to my huge surprise, she brought on four women who were conceived with sperm donation and not all had great things to say about it (there "other" side is rarely presented, so this was shocking). Some talked about being deprived of the basic right to know their history and who both of their parents are. One woman even said, "I felt like I was a product." That makes me sad.

Also today, my grandmother, out of the blue, brought up that one of her friend's daughters had twins through IVF. Knowing she was telling me this story as either a way to offer me hope or just to show she can relate to me, I kindly told my grandmother that it is against the Church's beliefs and not an option for me. My grandmother doesn't know; she's been Catholic all her life, but I don't expect her to be up to date on the Holy See's stance on reproductive technology. It's never affected her or anyone close to her, and I doubt she spends too much time familiarizing herself with any of the Church's laws, for that matter.

This all made me think about something that's always bothered me, and one of the reasons I started this blog - the fact that the Catholic voice is often, if not always, left out of discussions about infertility. I know that most people in this country aren't Catholic, but it amazes me that the Catholic side of the infertility issue is never brought up in the media. It is completely ignored. Shows about IVF never mention that many people are opposed to the procedure. The "other" side on a show like that is the fact that it's so expensive, or whether couples should give up. It's never about the moral implications, how a woman's health issues fail to be addressed, the fact that it often has a low success rate, or - God forbid! - that many embryos are destroyed in the process.

We all know the reason why this side of the debate is ignored - it is a very sensitive issue due to the millions of children who have been conceived this way. If we imply that it is morally wrong, then we are giving the impression that we are judging these families and saying these children shouldn't have been born.

It's a very tough topic, but I believe the failure of anyone to talk about this is, at best, alienating Catholic couples with infertility and, at worst, helping to misinform Catholic couples who don't know the Church views it as illicit, or why the Church does in the first place (it's not just a "rule" we have to follow, it actually makes really great sense). I know, it's actually the job of the Church to teach these couples and many priests, marriage prep couples and lay ministers are unfortunately doing a poor job at this on the parish level. But it's also the responsibility of the media to include all sides as well.

If I hadn't been Catholic, or if I hadn't been pro-life, I might have been one of those women who did IVF. I now know how dangerous that would have been for me. Through NaPro Technology and pro-life doctors, I have discovered that the medical issue causing my infertility could, if left untreated, lead to diabetes or a heart attack at an ealier-than-normal age. If I had done IVF three years ago, my PCOS and insulin resistance may never have been discovered. I'm not saying women who undergo IVF are never diagnosed with something. Some are, but many are not. It is often used as a band-aid, to the disservice of the women who really need to know what's causing their infertility.

I've been hesitant to post a lot about IVF in the past (which is unlike me because I'm very passionate about it). I guess I, too, have been afraid to offend others, or worse, their children. The issue came up when we started the support group at my parish. Of course we wouldn't discuss IVF or similar procedures, but how would we approach the topic if women who have done the procedure or were considering it came to the group? I think we decided to hand out something that stated our stance on the issues at the beginning of a meeting (we haven't had too many women attend our meetings yet, so it hasn't been a big issue).

I think our first priority is to educate other Catholic couples about the topic. But I also hope that one day the moral implications of assisted reproductive technologies will be considered by the pro-life community at large (as well as the issue of contraception).

Well, sorry to rant. I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I know how badly those of us with infertility want children. I KNOW. But I also believe strongly in the value of every human life, no matter how early on in life it is (and I don't think it's merely a personal choice; if that were the case, I'd have to call myself pro-choice). I just hope more women can find out that there's another option and that IVF isn't the only way to go. And I hope that one day NaPro Technology can become more widespread and that with diagnosis, surgery and medication, there won't be as much of a need for IVF or similiar procedures. Now those of us who are NaPro patients just need to get pregnant, and help out those stats!!

In the wait

For the first time in a while, I actually know that I am in the two-week wait. Usually, I just have mucus straight through and have no idea if I should be two-week-waiting or not. So today I am on day 22 of my cycle and I'm eight days past my "ovulatory event." This said "ovulatory event" actually occurred on day 14. Go figure! That's textbook! In the past, my Creighton instructor has asked me when I thought my peak day was (not that this should always be determined by gut instinct, but I often have excess mucus and a gut feeling may be useful). If I had to say what I thought this cycle, I would definitely say day 12. That was the day that saw the most peak-type mucus, the clearest, the greatest quantity. Not sure what that means, though, for the two days following that also saw peak-type mucus, just less of it and cloudier. And my temp spiked the morning after day 14, not day 12. All I know is that I've had a week of dry days which can only be positive (it's kind of ironic that I'm happy about being able to use my "infertile day" stickers finally. Ha! Every chart I've ever filled out should just be full of green stickers!).

Did I mention I'm doing a saliva test? I spit into a vial every two or three days. The other day I had to do it at my in-laws on the way home from Olive Garden, as I drove my in-laws' car. That's not easy, or classy. I am SO excited to get the results when this cycle is over, and I'm pretty sure it tests all your important hormones and how they fluctuate throughout your cycle. I'll find out the results at my doctor's appointment in June.

Another interesting development - I've been looking into baby names. Why, you ask? I'm not sure. I just have felt like it. I think it's all part of my new and improved attitude. I haven't thought about names in years. It was too hard to think about it. But now, it doesn't bother me. As I told my husband, one way or another we're having kids, so why not talk about names? Plus, I decided I need to choose a saint's name for a baby and then if I don't already have a devotion to him or her, I can start one. The interesting part, though, is that none of this causes me depression or anxiety. I'm not left feeling sorry for myself or worried it will never happen. Weird, huh?

One more thing. We were outside an abortion clinic for a little bit this morning, shooting video for a promotion for our pro-life group's upcoming 40 Days for Life campaign. I'd never been there on a Saturday morning, one of their "busiest" times, so I'd never seen girls go in and out. The few times I've had the guts to go, I made sure I went in the evenings, when there was less of a chance there would be clients or staff around. Anyways, a couple cars pulled in and out today. We were just there to do the promo, so we weren't in a position to talk to the people, but it was the first time I saw anyone who was there, possibly, to have an abortion. To think that they are blessed enough to be fertile and that they have a chance to welcome into their lives what would be an enormous blessing if they just gave it a chance (despite the fact that they and society consider it a "punishment"), is just too much. I almost can't let myself think of the connections between abortion and infertility, or it might be too difficult to be involved in pro-life activities. And that's not an option, because there are too many babies who need saving. God, bless these women as they are faced with what they call a problem, and I call a dream. May they make the right choice, and may you comfort all those who realize too late that they have not.

I take this very personally...

Barack Obama:

Look, I've got two daughters -- 9 years old and 6 years old. I'm going to teach them first of all about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby.

See for yourself:

This makes me so made that I can't even begin to comment on the obsurdity of it, other than to say how dare he call a baby, a blessing that is tragically unattainable to so many women, a punishment.

(Thanks to A Thorn in the Pew, where I first saw this story)

Very sad

This isn't directly related to infertility, but anything having to do with life issues is important to me, so I wanted to post it. It's the transcript from a call made by a UCLA right-to-life student magazine, using an actor, to a Planned Parenthood in Idaho. It's disturbing, to say the least. (You can read the whole article here.) Thank God there are groups like this out there.. and on a college campus no less!

Autumn Kersey of Planned Parenthood in Boise: Good afternoon, this is Autumn.

Donor: Hello, Autumn, I'm interested in making a donation today.

Kersey: Fantastic!

Donor: What about abortions for the underprivileged minority groups?

Kersey: Oh, absolutely. We have, um, in fact, uh wonderful, fantastic news. We just received a very generous donation to our women in need fund.

Donor: Wonderful. I want to specify that abortion to help a minority group - would that be possible?

Kersey: Absolutely.

Donor: Like the black community for example?

Kersey: Certainly.

Donor: OK, so the abortionI can give money specifically for a black baby, that would be the purpose.

Kersey: Absolutely. If you wanted to designate that you wanted your gift to be used to help (an) African-American woman in need, then we would certainly make sure that that gift was earmarked specifically for that purpose.

Donor: Great. Because I really face trouble with affirmative action, and I don't want my kids being disadvantaged, you know, against black kids. I just had a baby; I want to put it in his name, you know.

Kersey: Mmhmm, absolutely.

Donor: So that's definitely possible.

Kersey: Oh, always, always.

Donor: So I just wanna - can I put this in the name of my son?

Kersey: Absolutely.

Donor: Yeah, he's trying to get into colleges, and he's going to be applying, you know, he's justwe're just really bighe's really faced troubles with affirmative action.

Kersey: Mmhmm.

Donor: And we don't, you know, we just think, you know, the less black kids out there the better.

Kersey: (Laughs) Understandable, understandable. ... Um David, let me, if I may, just get some sort of specific general information so we can set this up the right way. You said you wanted to put it in your son's name, and you would like this designated specifically to assist (an) African-American woman who's looking to terminate a pregnancy.

Donor: Exactly, and yeah, I wanna protect my son, so he can get into college.

Kersey: All right. Excuse my hesitation, um, um, this is the first time I've had a donor call and make this kind of request, so I'm excited, and I wanna make sure I don't leave anything out.

Stressful!

(Warning - this post has to do with politics, but as with everything else in my life, I will relate it back to infertility).

A character flaw of mine is that I don't like to be around people who I disagree with. Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are liberals and pro-abortion, but I try not to think about that. I don't think I could be around them if the topics we disagreed on were discussed. I get stressed out, my heart races and I'm completely unable of defending my point of view (I would make a horrible apologist). When my husband decided to run for a political office six years ago, I told him my only problem with a life of politics is that I would hate to constantly be around political debate, to which he replied, "But if I'm in politics, you'll only be around Republicans!" That was a great point. It's not like the wife of a politician (at least on the level he would have been on) would be constantly bombarded by those in the opposing party.

We're currently not living a life of politics, but we might as well be. He is obsessed with it, while I can't stand it. I'm so sick of election coverage. As I told him last night, my two least favorite words in the English language as of now are Hillary and Obama, so I asked him to please from now on refer to them as Clinton and Barack. Tonight I had to leave the room as Clinton (as I like to call her) went on and on about everything I disagree with (and don't even get me started on the whole "woman" thing.. I wouldn't even think about voting for someone simply because we share the same gender. Just doesn't make sense to me).

I know this isn't good. I am constantly trying to stop myself from talking ill of her and others. Political debate just brings out the worst in me. I try to turn to prayer when a stressful political situation arises. I also try to pray for them to come over to the side of life, even though the chances of that are pretty slim. But still.

Anyways, tonight, as I was watching news coverage and my heart was racing and steam was coming out of my ears, I tried to convince my husband that it is bad for my fertility. That's right - Dr. Hilgers told us my hormones that are high are high due to stress and this is stressing me out, therefore, it's hurting my chances of conceiving. I'm supposed to be relaxing and reducing my anxiety level. But I can't relax when there's a chance a pro-abortion politican might be in the White House! The thought is too much for me.

He didn't go for that proposal and I'm pretty sure I will be listening to talk of "reproductive rights" for the next ten months. I just have to remember that God is in control, and even if we have an pro-abortion president I must trust that He has a plan. So I will try to relax and breathe. I guess I can also leave the room when it's on.

Pope defends life

Reuters: "Pope says some science shatters human dignity"

*In this article Pope Benedict makes statements regarding practices such as freezing embryos, suppression of embryos in multiple pregnancies, and artificial insemination

Modern-day St. Gianna

I just had to post a link to this story. In a world where people so casually abort their babies, it's incredibly moving to see someone willing to give their own life for their child.

Mother Delays Cancer Treatments So Baby Can Live

Nothing to do with infertility (for a change)

I'm sad today that I can't be at the National Prayer Vigil for Life at the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception in D.C. My husband and I vowed a few years ago to attend every March for Life and we went to two before having to sit this year out due to my recovery. The other day I tried to convince him to just drive us up there.. I told him we wouldn't walk in the march but just watch. I also tried to get him to let us go to the Mass tonight. He didn't like the idea and then I started to feel a little worse on Sunday, not bad pain but enough to know I couldn't stand/sit on the floor for the two + hour Mass tonight (there are like 8,000 people in a church that fits probably half that so you're pretty packed in and there are definitely no seats). My mom also reiterated that I should be taking it easier than I have been. So no Mass and no march. It's just funny because we always made the seven hour trip in the past and this is the first year that we live only an hour and a half away, and we're not there.

Last year one of the highlights of the trip was attending a rally for Sen. Sam Brownback at Catholic University just before the Mass. We walked by on our way to the church and saw that it was about to start. Later we saw that he was near us at the end of the Mass and we got our camera ready and my husband asked him for a picture. We were excited because the picture came out good, unlike some where you quickly take a picture with a celebrity only to have a goofy look on your face. We thought it was our picture of a future president (still could be). Too bad he's no longer running, but I'll support him when he tries again! He's such a great Catholic, pro-life advocate, and gospel-focused politician.

Here's the picture:

Since I'm posting pictures today, here are some shots that will explain how I spent most of my weekend - learning to sew! My mother-in-law, who was nice enough to stay with us to help me out, taught me. So I went to town making pillows. I always thought I was a born seamstress, I just didn't know how to sew!

Sophie likes them!

St. Gianna - A model of courage

I'm starting a novena to St. Gianna today, nine days ahead of my surgery. In anticipation of it, my husband and I said a litany last night that we found on www.stgianna.org. One line in particular jumped out at me and really gave me comfort:

"Fill us with her spirit of courage to suffer any struggle rather than deny You and the sanctity of human life."

For those of us who are Catholic, and for whom IVF is not an option, I think this line speaks volumes. Although I am not entirely sure that IVF would even help me, the fact that it is not an option is a big deal. There are so many Catholic women like myself who struggle with infertility and who want children more than anything else in the world, but still will not do IVF because they and their Church don't agree with it. What a great testimony to the sanctity of human life this is! Because it was such an easy decision for me to not consider IVF, I think I often overlook this. I had a priest tell me once what a grace it was that I wasn't tempted by it. I had never thought about that.

So like they probably did with St. Gianna (who chose to die rather than abort the baby in her womb), people may think I am crazy (I always think they're thinking, "well you must not want a baby that bad!"). And like Gianna knew all too well, the decision to honor the sanctity of all human life doesn't come without great struggle. The Lord never said following Him would be easy and like the line from the litany says, I'd rather suffer in this manner than deny the Lord. This week as I say my novena, I will try to draw strength from St. Gianna. I'm sure she endured her suffering much better than I could ever imagine.