Hanging in there

I am really trying to be good. The old me would be depressed right now, but the new, positive me is just going with the flow. I am trusting in the Lord and I am trying to see the big picture. This isn't a month-by-month thing, as much as it seems like it is to us. God is going to give us a baby, we just need to trust him and look to the future.

I am doing well, though. I do feel the inclination to be sad about our possibly missed opportunity this cycle, but it's kind of just like a bad habit, if you know what I mean. I am used to being sad about these things, so my mind easily falls into that mode of thinking. My mind wants to go there, and it tries to, but I'm finding that my heart just isn't sad, so I don't give into it. The few times I have complained (one of those was to my husband late last night when he had to get up early to leave for his inauguration trip...sorry!), I thought I wanted to cry and moan about it, but I didn't really need to, which surprised me.

These are all good signs, and I am thankful to God that he is helping me to stay positive. It is truly an answer to prayer.

I am probably also overreacting a little bit, because it's not going to be a total waste (unless I see more mucus today, which I haven't yet, thankfully). If yesterday was my peak day, then we made use of that day and the several days leading up to it.

I also feel fine, so far, about being alone. I usually get lonely very easily, but I'm just going to relax and do fun things to lift my spirits - like getting Chinese food tonight (making my own Bas.mati rice, of course!) and I'm already planning to get my favorite sugar-free sundae on Tuesday, the dreaded inauguration day. I told Ryan that I am treating that day like day one of my cycle, and already planning how I will drown my sorrows!

Seriously, though, I am in awe that God has provided me with this positive attitude and that it is still sticking around, despite recent developments that would have had me wallowing in sadness even just one month ago. I even pictured a positive pregnancy test during the consecration this morning, and really tried to focus on it. I am really trying to make it become something that I can truly imagine for myself. It may not be this month, but it will happen one day. And, thankfully, I have an opportunity to revamp my attitude in the meantime.

Update: Why is it that every time I post lately, things change about twenty minutes later?

I just saw more mucus. It was 10C. I don't know what that means, how to chart it (is it the peak so far, or are we in yellow stamp territory now?) or what it says about my current physical state. My temp rises on Thursday and I still have mucus on Sunday. Something isn't right there.

This also means that if I haven't ovulated yet, then we definitely missed our chance this cycle. Kind of makes me think about taking those drugs and the pain it brought me earlier in the cycle and how that was all for nothing. Oh well. We couldn't have known then how the days would play out. And I still would have taken it, even if I remembered at the time that he was going out of town. I never would have not taken the risk.

I am still going to try to hang in there, focus on the Lord, and not get down. I can do this!

Strange cycle so far

Well it's day 18 (technically it's cd 19, but I'm writing as if it is still Monday) and this month has been a little funky so far. I went straight from spotting to mucus (no green stickers in between the red and the white for all you Creighton charters). I first saw mucus on day nine and I had a bunch of good mucus days in a row until the day before yesterday, day 16, I had a dry day. I knew something was weird, though, because my temp hadn't risen yet and was still hovering around 97.9. So the following day (Sunday) I had some more good mucus and my temp finally rose, but only to 98.2. Then this morning, my temp was back down to 97.7! I did wake up kind of early, but usually when my temp is up, waking up early may make it drop a bit, but never to pre-peak levels.

So it seems like I might not have ovulated this month, which is odd since I was apparently ovulating before my dose of met was increased. I'm fine with it, though. If it's going to happen, it will happen. I can't control my body, and I am already doing the little I can do (eating right, exercising, taking medication). Plus, I don't know for sure I didn't ovulate and I don't really know for sure I did ovulate the previous months (I'll never totally believe it unless I wind up pregnant or if it's caught on camera. Otherwise, I know from experience that tests can be wrong).

I'm not sure why I have a good attitude despite my cycles seemingly taking a step backwards. I guess I can only attribute it to God's grace. There have been a few periods in the last four years when I was really just waiting, and this is one of them (the four months between my two surgeries was another). Since my mind is truly in waiting mode, it may make possible set-backs like this easier to deal with because I'm focusing on the future, rather than on the next two weeks. I think the main reason I'm okay with it is that I've been there, done that, and I'm tired of living a life of despair. I'd rather just wait, and use this time to ask God to reveal what he has in store for me and my husband. Lately I've really found comfort in going with God's flow. I think if I truly give myself over to his will, that it might be an exciting ride. All I know is the way things currently are going sucks, so why not give God a chance to really be in control? He's got to do a better job than I've been doing at the helm (Jesus, take the wheel...take it from my hands, cause I can't do this on my own..... Sorry! Just a little musical interlude!).

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So I think I'm going to putting some prayer requests at the end of my posts from time to time when I have some (my mom often calls me with them, so some will come from her as well). If you feel so inclined, you can say a quick prayer. If not, that's okay too. Here's my inaugural edition:

Prayer intentions:
For S.D., for healing, comfort and good test results.
For N.S. for healing.
For all those struggling with infertility.

I'm tired, too tired to think of a good title

I'm back in VA. I've got so much I should be doing, but instead I feel like taking a day to rest. Well, at least a half-day to rest. This morning my husband had a doctor's appointment for his leg pain. The doctor was much better than the ER (obviously) and thinks it is a problem with a disc, which is probably pinching a nerve. He ordered an MRI, and my husband got in right away because the doctor called it "urgent," due to the fact that my husband's leg showed signs of weakness. So hopefully we'll hear back today or tomorrow and we're hoping surgery isn't necessary, but if it is, we'll deal with it. I just want his pain to go away and for him to return to normal.

Meanwhile, I'm tired. That's just my overall mood right now. I've had this nagging feeling lately to handle this infertility stuff better and I'm trying. I really am. But right now I'm tired physically and emotionally.

On Sunday, we had an anniversary party for my grandparents and some of my cousins had their babies there (and I should add that one of those cousins isn't married, and the other two were married well after I was. That's always nice). One baby in particular hadn't been seen yet by most of the family so, of course, a big deal was made of it. I tried to handle it well, but I couldn't help but sit there at lunch, eating lettuce and scraping the fried coating off my chicken parmesan, feeling sorry for myself. It was so clear at that moment - I was sitting there, childless, unable to eat most of the food, while everyone else could have kids and a normal diet (I know food and pregnancy are no where near each other on the importance scale, but it just made for a stark contrast). Sometimes it just doesn't seem right at all.

So there I was at the party when all of a sudden I became acutely aware of one thing - I am unable to have kids. Has anything like that ever happened to you? It's happened to me in the past and always seems to come out of nowhere. Something I live with every day, something that is most definitely not new, just all of a sudden hits me hard. I am unable to have kids. I am that woman. This is my life. It's like it hits me in my heart with a force that I must find a way to supress every other moment, without even realizing it. It's almost like an out-of-body experience, where I am, for a second, looking at myself with new eyes. And it shouldn't surprise me, but it always does. Wait a minute, are you saying I'm unable to have kids? Un-able? Like, I'm barren? And I may never have a baby to bring to family parties? I wonder if anyone there noticed that I was completely out of it for a few minutes.

On the way home (when I was by myself, of course) I cried. But this time it wasn't in a bratty way, but because I just couldn't help it. After a few minutes, I dried my tears and went on with my day.

I know I won't be pregnant any time soon, I just pray it happens some time in the years to come. I think, for many, there is a point in the infertility struggle when you go from believing it could happen each month, to struggling to maintain a shred of hope each month, to knowing it won't happen for a long time, if ever. For me, the first phase of having monthly hope probably lasted a year and a half. The phase of trying to muster up some hope lasted through the remainder of year two, and then year three was when I realized it wasn't going to happen. I'm not saying it won't happen ever, but mine is a much bigger picture. Now the struggle becomes one of patience and how to handle what will likely be a long wait. So I'm now trying to focus on the small things - like that my chart looks much more normal, my temperature appears to be doing the right thing, and I'm on medication for PCOS. Things are looking up lately. Not for a pregnancy any time soon, but for a pregnancy some day.

Alright, sorry to ramble. My husband left the room a while ago and I'm hoping he fell asleep, but I should go see if he's okay. Hopefully I'll have some good news about him tomorrow.

Waiting

Well I'm still trying to be positive, patient and hopeful! This, I guess, is when it's most important. It's easier to be patient when you're in the midst of fertile days. There's more going on, your charting everything, taking ovulation tests, looking for signs. Now I'm just waiting. Yesterday I was super positive for some reason. Just really happy and at peace with God's will. But today was a different story. I'm not mad at God or anything, but my mood definitely shifted and I'm a little more melancholy. It might be hormones.

On a side note, I am taking my temperature four times a day for a thyroid study the PPVI is having me do, and this morning my temp was up (it was the first day I was required to take it post peak). I guess that's pretty normal for post-ovulation and maybe another sign that I ovulated.

So I'm going to continue to keep my head up, even though I find myself having doubts about having hope from time to time, mainly how much more it might hurt if I don't get pregnant; honestly, I think I'm afraid I'll feel stupid for thinking it might actually happen. But I think the solution to that is to simply ignore those thoughts and push them out of my mind, change the subject. I'll be let down many times in my life, with or without hope. But if I trust in God, He will help me through it.

I know this analogy might sound silly, but I had an epiphany the other day when walking my dog. Sometimes she pees and comes back inside right away. Other times she drags me around forever. Usually I get really frustrated and pull her where I want her to "do her business," usually right around our apartment. But, in the end, she doesn't do it until she's ready. And if I fight her on it, it only takes longer and I wind up really mad. So the other day I just let go, let her pull me wherever she wanted and in the end, it took her less time than normal, I was happier, and not at all annoyed. My point (yes, there is a point here) is that I realized that's what I need to do with my infertility. Let go, loosen up, give up control, let God lead me where He wants me to go, even if I think I know a quicker way. In the end, I will be much less frustrated, I will find peace, and I will meet an end result that I will be happy with - and I will look back on it and think, "I should have done that sooner!"