Offering it up

So I am trying out a new coping mechanism.

For a while now, I have been deeply, deeply bothered by some things - things Catholics do that are not in accordance with the Church, or really, anything anyone does that could cause the Lord sorrow. For example, anything from the president promoting abortion to people taking the Eucharist who should not be taking it.

Now, I know I shouldn't go around judging others, and every time I pray for people I see doing wrong, I always make a point to pray for myself and my own sins first. I know I am not perfect, not even close, but it doesn't change the fact that my heart breaks when I see people making mistakes. Not only do I feel pain for Christ because I know he longs for these souls, but I feel pain for the people themselves. For whatever reason, they are on my heart and I feel called to pray for them.

At the same time, I know that with everything I need to fix within myself, I shouldn't be wasting time pointing the finger at others. But lately, I just haven't been able to shake my sadness for all these people. I wrestle with it internally and I feel like it is eating away at me because there is nothing I can do about it. Yes, I pray, but it just doesn't feel like enough. I mean, the world is going to hell in a hand basket! Do any of us feel better after praying for, say, an end to abortion? As long as it's still going on, you never feel good about it.

So, the other day I had an epiphany. All of a sudden, I felt strongly that I needed to combine the two issues I am currently struggling with: My desire to "save" these people who I see sinning against the Eucharist, and my infertility. So I decided that whenever I feel depressed about my current inability to procreate, I will offer up my suffering for all those who are causing our Lord sorrow in this way.

I am actually pretty hopeful about this. Usually I know right away if something will work, and I really feel like this will. I'll let you know how it goes.

****************************

In cycle news, it's cycle day 10. I saw some peak-type mucus rather early this cycle (days six through eight), but then yesterday was a 6PC day (pasty, cloudy). Then, when I spent most of the day without mucus today, I was starting to get concerned that something weird was going on. A bunch of good mucus days early, then two dry days? But tonight my cervix came through and I saw some 10 C/K L (stretchy, cloudy-clear, lubricative). There's one less thing to worry about, I guess. Maybe I'll actually ovulate at a normal time this cycle! If I end up having eight days of mucus (which I believe is a really good amount), then that means I'm gearing up for a cycle day 14 peak day! Okay...I'm not getting all worked up about this. I know I cannot plan out my cycle, no matter how hard I try!

Physically, I am EXHAUSTED today. It's one of those days when every time I stand up, I have to be prepared to black out a little and nearly fall over. Nice, right? And while two days ago I wanted to eat everything I could get my hands on, today and yesterday I have had to force myself to eat. I just know that is related to hormones.

Emotionally, I am feeling great. Today was such beautiful weather, that you couldn't help but be in a good mood. And we had a new storm door installed yesterday, so I was able to leave the main door open today, which meant the living room was flooded with light. And since it's one of those doors where you can move the screen up and down, I used the screen all day and it just felt like Spring! I just love thinking about a new season being here. It's just something different, you know? And different is exactly what I need.

Bad news

My grandmother passed away today. We found out she actually suffered an aneurysm yesterday, and it sounds like she never knew anything was wrong, other than that she had a bad headache. That brings me peace, as she would have been so scared. 

Thank you all so much for your prayers. If you get a chance, please keep my grandfather in your prayers now, because he is most likely completely lost. I can't even imagine.

Prayer request

Could you all do me a big favor and pray for my grandmother? We just found out she had a massive stroke. We're still waiting for more details, but because she and my grandfather live in Florida for the winter, the family (who are all in NY) doesn't know a lot yet. My grandfather is obviously shaken. Thank you for any prayers you can offer.

Meaning it

Boy, am I antsy tonight. And bored. And these feelings usually lead to one thing - sadness. I started a post earlier today in which I wrote that I felt so much better, which I did at the time. By this evening, though, I started to feel down again.

I think the problem is that I got up at the crack of dawn. It was literally still dark out! I know, I know, this is an everyday occurrence for probably most of you. I don't expect any sympathy. But since my husband doesn't get home from work until after 11:30 p.m., that means a long day of doing nothing for me.

I shouldn't say nothing. The reason I woke up early was to pray outside the abortion clinic at 7 a.m.. Then I came home and cleaned the kitchen and even the toilet. That's big for me. I'm not, shall we say, a daily or weekly cleaner. I usually put it off until we have visitors coming or until I just can't take it anymore. Today was a day I couldn't take it anymore.

Then my sick husband decided he was well enough to go to work (thank God! I was afraid he'd be worse today, with possibly a full-blown stomach bug). Since he left I've just been relaxing and growing increasingly bored. And antsy. I don't have anything to do today, we have no money for grocery shopping, and we're having leftovers tonight so there's nothing to cook.

Don't get me wrong. I am a professional relaxer. I'm not usually one to need productivity in my life. I know this isn't exactly a good thing, but at the same time I wouldn't exactly say I've entered seven-deadly-sin territory. So the fact that today I actually wasn't happy with all the free time on my hands was rather odd.

So that's where I am now. Antsy. And bored. And finding myself leaning towards a tendency to be a little bit sad. You know, when all those terrible thoughts start floating around in your head - the I'm-ugly-I'm-useless-Everyone-has-a-baby-so-why-can't-I sort of thoughts. Definitely of the devil. Don't worry, I'm not really there yet. I'm okay. There have been zero tears and I haven't even complained to my husband (but he's still technically sick, so no complaining allowed).

Because my mood sometimes comes across a little dramatic in my writing, I think I need to have a color-coded alert system, like the Homeland Security Advisory System (yes, that's the technical name) so that you don't think I'm more distraught than I am. Using that scale - and let's call it the Infertile Stability Advisory System - I'm currently "guarded." Not bad.

So I need to stay busy to keep my mind off of those bad, bad thoughts (hence my current blogging). I need to ask God for patience, again. I need to ask him to help me find joy in the here and now. And I just need to pray.

Speaking of prayer, I have a prayer that I really like that I keep in my folder with all my Creighton charts. I try to say it every night after I chart for the day, and I have even posted it here before:

Father, I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me,
and in all your creatures -
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul:
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.

Last night while saying it, I sort of began asking myself some questions. Here is how the dialogue went (albeit a tad embellished, since I don't really carry on full two-sided conversations with myself, even though I'm sure you wouldn't have a hard time believing it if I told you I did):

Me (after reading prayer): Do you really mean what you're saying?

Me: It's a prayer. You just read it. So, yes.

Me: Okay, so those parts about surrendering completely to God, no matter what, you're okay with those?

Me: Of course. I'm always trying to do my best with that. It might be hard, but I'm trying.

Me: Are you? Really? When you read it, it isn't painful?

Me: Painful? I just read it. We're supposed to surrender, so, ya, whatever.

Me: What if you made this prayer a little more specific for our situation, and actually say out loud the full statements pertaining to infertility. How do you feel now?

Me: Like crap! I can barely read it! This is painful.

So that's a little how it went, but pretty sped up and in my head. You get the picture. And it was painful. Here's the first part of the prayer again, with the new parts I added in red:

Father, I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will, no matter what that means for my infertility.
Whatever you may do, I thank you, even if that means I never get pregnant:
I am ready for all, no matter what you plan for my family, I accept all.

I think I sometimes (a lot of times) say things without truly meaning them in my heart. I just tear through a prayer like this, without it really resonating. It becomes to empty. I can say "do with me what you will" a hundred times and not mean it. But what this prayer says is huge and unless I consciously add in my parts about infertility, I am able to ignore its deepness, and it does nothing for me. When I read it with my new parts, though, I am forced to confront what I am really saying to God. I have to face it head-on, and it hurts.

Now, if I pray this every night and try my best to truly mean it - and ask God to help me to truly mean it - hopefully the pain will slowly dissipate and one day I will truly mean it. I'm not there yet, that's for sure. But I think God is pleased that I'm trying.

Well, there are only about three and a half hours til my husband gets home, so the wait is manageable. And after writing this, and having a chance to work through my thoughts (via the miracle of blogging), I might even be bordering on "low" on the Infertile Stability Advisory System!

Have a great night. You are all in my prayers.

Miscellaneous update

I went from having a ton of information to share the last couple days, to being kind of boring. I've been trying to process everything from the appointment, yet at times I'm trying more to not process it and just be happy. I had blood drawn on Tuesday and, of course, I am starting to get a little nervous that the results will come back that my hormones haven't improved. I'm just trying to prepare myself for that. I'll probably dedicate a whole post to it in the coming days.

In the meantime, I am excited to watch the progress in my cycle. Instead of putting all of my energy into hoping for a positive pregnancy test, I am looking forward to getting excited over things going right in general. Small goals. For instance, hopefully seeing less spotting over the next few days (I'm currently on day five) and possibly heading right into either dry days or mucus, and looking for good mucus with a clear peak, as well as less spotting at the end. These will all be great signs that I'm getting healthy.

****

In other news, I've been dealing with an addiction to strawberries. They are my crack (I think I've been watching too much Intervention on A&E). For a while I was going through a box a day, but now I'm trying to spread one over two days. It's an expensive habit, but there could be worse (and more expensive) things to be addicted to. Like real crack. I realized that it had reached a new level last night as I was driving home from the store at 9:45 with a fresh box. We had just gone out to dinner (my belated cycle-day-one "celebration"), and then we were home, exhausted, full and just wanting to relax. Then I remembered we had no strawberries. Well, sitting home without any strawberries in the kitchen is not an option for me lately; I was getting shaky at the idea of it. So I went to the store. And I must have really needed them, because I am l-a-z-y, lazy. They were soooo delicious, and they are now gone.

Speaking of my dinner out, it was very yummy. Chicken fingers and a salad. I almost can't wait until next month!

****

Has anyone seen the new Volks.wagen commercials? From the perspective of an infertile woman, they're kind of annoying. They're tongue and cheek, all about how couples are popping out tons of babies just as an excuse to buy some family car. I suppose this might be funny to someone who can get pregnant, but to me it's just a reminder that it's a breeze for "normal" people. Oh well. I also find it interesting that they feature Broo.ke Shiel.ds, someone who dealt with infertilty herself.

****

Before I go, I just wanted to ask you to please pray for "K," a young woman who is scheduled to have an abortion tomorrow. She talked on the phone with one of our 40 Days volunteers a couple times and it seemed promising, but then she failed to meet up with her today at the pregnancy resource center like they had planned. We assume her appointment for tomorrow is still on. Please pray for her and her baby.

Cycle update and prayer requests - Updated

I haven't posted about my cycle in a while, so I thought I'd give a little update. I should point out, though, that I didn't chart while we were gone this week and so I'm not entirely sure how it all went down.

What I do know:

• Today is cycle day 15.
• My period lasted for five days with the fifth day being just spotting.
• Mucus started on day six and, with the exception of a dry day on day nine, lasted through til day 13.
• Yesterday, day 14, I saw 8 PC; I think this would normally be a yellow stamp day, but because it follows a peak day, I believe it should get a light green post-peak sticker instead.
• My bbt was low on Sunday (97.4) and high yesterday (98.1) and again today (98.3). I did not take it Monday or Tuesday since we were away.

So what's different? Well, a lot of things. My period was about three days shorter than it normally is for me. My mucus started three days earlier and ended about three days earlier.

If I ovulated, I'm guessing it could have happened on Monday or Tuesday. I'm basing this on a couple things: 1) Tuesday was my last peak-type mucus day, and, 2) while I did not take my bbt on Monday or Tuesday, it was low on Sunday morning and high on Wednesday morning.

As for other possible symptoms of ovulation or anovulation (depending on what these symptoms may mean), I had pretty severe cramping over the weekend (a day or two prior to ovulation if, in fact, I did ovulate early this week) and even had to use a heating pad. I also had a bad headache Sunday night. I have also experienced back pains since the weekend, which is very unusual for me.

I'm trying to be patient for my next doctor's appointment on Oct. 6. I'm just getting nervous that I'll just come out of it with nothing but another appointment in another four months. If that does happen, well, I have to trust God that it will be best. I also can't be scared of finding out that the met isn't working because that won't necessarily be a bad thing. We can probably raise the dose and it might be that it just needs more time.

Before I go, I have some prayer requests. Please pray for T.C., a mother in her thirties who was just diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. Also, for K.P. who is dying of breast cancer and may have just a few days left.

I am also taking part in the 40 Days For Life campaign today and will be praying outside of a clinic in Richmond. Please join me in praying for the unborn, especially those whose mothers will visit abortion clinics today. I will also pray for all those who are unable to bare children themselves, because I can't help but connect these two things - the millions of women who kill their unwanted babies and the millions of women who pray and hope that one day they'll be able to have life within their womb. Maybe all of us struggling with infertility should adopt spiritual children - those in the wombs of women currently deciding whether to keep the child or abort - and pray for them especially. We may not have our own, but we can give our love to their children in the meantime.

Update: Okay, something is up. I just had some spotting. Sorry for the gory details, but it was brown and slightly mucusy. But it's day 15. Day 15! I've never got my period this early. In past cycles, the earliest I ever got my period was day 26 and the earliest I ever started spotting was day 24. Heck, when I first started charting my cycles went 40+ days! Oh well, I'm fine. This is truly a rollercoaster ride and I trust in God that everything will be okay. And if I do oddly get my period super early this cycle, at least I have a doctor's appointment in a week and a half.

Signs from God

So today we're at Mass and, as usual, it's tough to see all the babies and pregnant women and families with seven and eight kids (by the way, I really resent that Mass is a place that makes me sad). Then I hear the responsorial psalm, which I thought really spoke to the struggle of infertility:

R. (cf. 16) The hand of the Lord feeds us; he answers all our needs.

The LORD is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger and of great kindness.
The LORD is good to all
and compassionate toward all his works.

R. The hand of the Lord feeds us; he answers all our needs.

The eyes of all look hopefully to you,
and you give them their food in due season;
you open your hand
and satisfy the desire of every living thing.

R. The hand of the Lord feeds us; he answers all our needs.

The LORD is just in all his ways
and holy in all his works.
The LORD is near to all who call upon him,
to all who call upon him in truth.

R. The hand of the Lord feeds us; he answers all our needs.

Isn't that great? He is near to all who call upon him. He answers all our needs. And he gives us food in due season.

At one point, I began to pray and I decided to just be honest with God and lay it all out on the table. I asked God if he could please let me know that he is really with me. Let me just say that I know this isn't the best way for a faithul Christian to behave and I even apologized to God for it. I told him I'm sinful and I'm weak and because of that, I am finding it difficult to blindly trust him. I told him if I am going to suffer through infertility, that I really needed to know that he is going to take care of me. And while I know that he is with me and will always take care of me, I just really needed to feel his presence. I needed comfort.

So fast-forward a bit and as we get up to leave after Mass, I ask my husband if he wanted to attend an inquiry session that was being held after Mass for people interested in starting RCIA (have I mentioned before that my husband isn't officially Catholic? That's another post). I have never pushed him to convert and so it wasn't a given that we'd attend this session. He said sure, so we went. Well, at one point during the session, one participant mentions how EWTN helped to introduce him to the Church, and a man running the meeting responded by saying that a couple, who was also there helping with the meeting, knows Mother Angelica personally so this participant should talk with them after if he'd like. Let's just say that my husband and I immediately perked up! I could see him glance my way but I resisted the urge to look at him and acted all cool (if you're not familiar with my blog, just know that we are trying to get a documentary we produced on EWTN and meeting someone with connections is BIG!).

My wonderful husband later told me that he knew right then that he needed to find a way to bring up our movie, and he did it in a really smooth way, I might add. Everyone was SO interested in it and started asking us tons of questions. So the man with ties to EWTN then asks me if I wanted the Pope to see it. WHAT??!! I'm like, ya, that'd be nice. And he's like, I can get it to him. WHAT??!! It turns out he is involved in research for something that I won't mention here for fear that something will come up in a google search, but something that the Church has a lot of interest in. I don't know his exact ties to the Pope, but I'm sure he is very connected to the Vatican through this work. So while in any other circumstance I'd be thrilled to meet someone who could help get my movie on EWTN, the Pope trumps that for sure! We are definitely getting him a copy of the movie at Mass next Sunday, and then it's in God's hands.

So, to make a long story short.. I'm not saying this is definitely going to work out, but what I do know is this is one way God has answered my prayers. And it is through these answered prayers (non-infertility-related prayers) that he is allowing me to feel his closeness. It's God's way of reminding me that despite my cries for a child seemingly going unanswered, he is still listening and still blessing me in other ways. And when I, in a moment of weakness and saddness, ask him to basically show me a "sign" (like a doubting Thomas), he does. God is truly amazing.

We closed the meeting with a prayer that nearly had me crying in front of everyone. It's a prayer of abandonement by Blessed Charles of Jesus, and it is perfect for those of us with infertility.

Father,
I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me,
and in all your creatures -
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul:
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your
hands without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.

Hopefully, one day soon, I can really believe these words with all my heart.

I want to end this post by asking for your prayers for a special intention. I can't go into details, but please pray that a friend of ours can find the Lord because this person is in a really bad place and needs God desperately, they just don't know it. Thanks, and you are all in my prayers as well!

Your Cross

Shannon at A Friend of Gianna shared this prayer on her blog recently and I thought it was perfect for the struggle of infertility. I hope it can offer help to someone who happens to read it today...

Your Cross

The everlasting God has in His wisdom foreseen from
eternity the cross that He now presents to you as a gift
from His inmost heart. This cross He now sends you He
has considered with His all-knowing eyes, understood with
His divine mind, tested with His wise justice, warmed with
loving arms and weighed with His own hands to see that it
be not one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for
you. He has blessed it with His holy Name, anointed it with
His consolation, taken one last glance at you and your courage,
and then sent it to you from heaven, a special greeting from
God to you, an alms of the all-merciful love of God.

-St. Francis de Sales

Urgent prayer request

Please pray tonight for a special intention. I cannot go into detail at this time, but I can just say that friends of ours desperately need your prayers tonight. Basically, they are in need of a miracle. If you have some time, please, please, please pray for this special request.

O St. Joseph, thou whose power extends over all our needs, who knows how to make possible for us the most impossible things, open thy Fatherly eyes to thy Children's interests.

Ask and you shall receive

So yesterday I realized that my medication that lowers my prolactin is about to run out. I need it refilled, but since I have unofficially switched from working with PPVI to my local doctor, I didn't want to call PPVI for the prescription. It immediately occured to me that it would be a perfect excuse opportunity to call my doctor and ask about my metformin dose!

So this is how the call went yesterday:

Me (after first asking my "cover" question): While I've got you on the phone, I mean, this isn't a big deal or anything, but I was just wondering about my metformin dosage. I'm on the lowest dose and my next appointment isn't for four months, so does the doctor plan on having me raise it at some point? I mean, it's not a big deal if he doesn't. I'm fine on the low dose. I was just curious.

As if the nurse was writing all that down. This was probably the message:

Patient wants to know if she should increase her metformin dose at some point.

It's just that I'm very afraid of sounding pushy. I never want the doctor to think that I think I know more than him, so I was very hesitant to even ask. But... the nurse called back this morning and said I am supposed to raise my dose to 1000 mg (500 mg 2x a day) in three weeks. So now I'm glad I called! He definitely didn't tell me that at my appointment, and perhaps didn't consider it until he got my message. He almost didn't even put me on the medication, since he thinks I might be able to correct it with diet alone.

I am still reacting just fine to the met, and I hope the increased dose doesn't affect me negatively either. I know that some people are fine on 500 mg and then have side-effects when the dose increases, but I am going to assume I'll be okay.

In the meantime, I've decided I really need to start praying more. I always say that, but nothing really ever changes. I've considered a nightly Rosary, novenas, a daily Divine Mercy Chaplet. I also know that saying formal prayers isn't the only way to go, so I'm also trying to find a way to encorporate some silent prayer time into my day. Going to adoration is a good way to do that and my church has it once a week, which I currently don't attend (yes, believe it or not I am ashamed to admit I don't go weekly. The girl doing a documentary on adoration hasn't gone in quite some time). Right now all I am doing is talking to God a few times a day and I know that isn't enough. I'm leaning towards a nightly Rosary with my husband and adoration once a week, with the occasional novena thrown in. Anyone have any advice for what to pray or what's worked for them?

Prayers needed

If you get a chance, friends of ours are in need of your prayers. They are a wonderful, faithful, young couple who are waiting to adopt. Well, they got a call - the call - from their agency the other day telling them there is a birth mother who wants a Catholic couple to adopt her baby (isn't that great?!) and she wants to meet with them this week. It's a perfect scenario and everything they've been told about her sounds fantastic. Like, dream birth mother. But.... the catch is the mother is meeting with one other couple as well. Seriously, our friends are like the perfect couple and I sure wouldn't want to go head to head with them! But still, it's got to be difficult for them right now because they want to be excited, but at the same time can't get too excited or else they'll be crushed if this doesn't end up being their baby. If they are chosen, they could be parents by next weekend. That's right, the birth mother is due next weekend. So please say a quick prayer that everything goes according to God's plan and that the baby is placed with the parents who are supposed to raise him (and if it's not my friends, that they don't suffer too much with it!). Thy will be done, Lord!

***

So I had a crazy day. Right after my husband left to play in a softball game this morning, I noticed a bee coming from the fireplace. Okay, no big deal. It headed to the window so I removed the screen and let it out. Then I noticed another one, and another. So I went over to the fireplace and there it was - a collective buzzing of many, many bees, growing louder by the second. Immediately one image came to mind - hundreds, if not thousands of bees, completely covering my body. You know what I'm talking about. I was suddenly in a race against the clock. I quickly got some big garbage bags and tried to tape them over the fireplace opening, which wasn't really working because all I had was scotch tape. So as I'm fumbling around, the buzzing is growing louder and louder. It was like a horror movie! Eventually, I gave up and quickly put our cats in our bedroom (and even put towels underneath the door.. I pictured an enormous swarm of bees, okay?) and grabbed Sophie, my purse, and got the heck out of there. The only problem was my husband wasn't answering his phone and I had no idea where he was playing softball (you didn't expect me to take care of a problem having to do with bugs on my own, did you?). After a few calls, I got directions to his game and once there, I started screaming his name as he was taking the field. He probably thought someone died. As he came over to me I was crying and babbling something about bees. So we head back home and I'm thinking I'm going to have to find a hotel room for the rest of the day because, let's be honest, I wasn't going in that house. Well, long story short (I know, it's too late), he sprayed something to kill all the bees (dozens.. or, to be honest, maybe a dozen.. had gotten into the house) and we taped up the fireplace with good tape so it is now secure. No bee bomb, no hotel stay, crisis avoided. We'll probably have to call a bee exterminator in the morning. Here's hoping they're reasonably priced.

In other news, yesterday was cycle day 11 and I still saw some spotting, yet also with mucus. I've never had that happen before, especially this late. I've read about the various causes/treatments for spotting on other blogs, but I've never talked about this with my doctor (which is not surprising since I've only had one appointment with him). Add that to the list for my next appointment!

CD 9

For some reason the devil is all about me today! All day long I have felt like he is right behind me trying to pull me down, which is odd, because I'm not usually sad this time of my cycle. This afternoon, just when I'm starting to feel like you can tell I've lost weight, I started thinking I looked fat. And then, everytime I saw something online about someone being pregnant, having a baby or artificially impregnating some older lady (Ashlee Simpson, the kid from Hanson, and Clay Aiken, respectively) I started to feel twinges of jealousy (okay, maybe not about the Clay Aiken story, but you get the point). Luckily, I remembered that wanttobeamom had suggested a few days ago that I should pray to St. Michael when this happens. So I did, and I did start feeling better afterwards.

As for my cycle, it is day nine and I'm still spotting. I go through so many red stickers! PPVI increased my dosage of T3 today, which I'll start in a few days when I get the new pills in the mail. My temp and pulse have been okay lately, so I'm no longer concerned about the side effects. Now let's just hope everything stays okay with the higher dose. My husband is not too happy about this medication, though. It costs money, which is fine, but when you aren't sure the medication is helping it becomes harder to part with the cash. Mainly, I think he is a little suspect of why I am in the study to begin with, since my new doctor said I don't fit the bill at all. I'm going to stay on it for now, but I'm going to ask my new doctor what he thinks at my next appointment. My main concern right now is that I don't feel ANY different. If I had to fill out the symptom check list today, it would be exactly the same as when I filled it out before taking the medication. If anything, I am MORE exhausted than ever before.

Speaking of being tired, I am still waiting for my low g.i. diet to improve my energy level. Does anyone know how long this takes? I'm kind of wondering if perhaps my blood sugar is now too low, but I don't understand enough about it to even begin to figure that out. All I know is that my energy level ranges from exhaustion to feeling like I've been hit by a bus. I use to think that was because I wasn't getting any exercise, but now we take a vigorous walk every day (I know that's not exactly two hours at the gym, but it's a huge improvement for me and I can already tell that it's helping my weight loss).

Well, I'm off now to make a delicious low g.i. dinner!

Some help from St. Augustine

The other day I came across something I had scribbled down a a year or so ago. It had fallen out of my "infertility folder," this bright green folder given to me by my Creighton instructor at our introductory session. This folder contains my entire infertility world, all my charts, my blood work history, even my thermometer. It has been through a lot - two moves, to Italy and back, to Omaha twice, not to mention it travels from room to room with me now that I take my temp and pulse four times a day! - and it's safe to say it has been past its prime for several months now. (Sorry for the detail, but my green folder is a big part of my life.)

Anyway, so this little scrap of paper fell out of it a few days ago and when I picked it up I realized it contained a passage that I had written down months ago. I remember that I thought the passage would help me during hard times, but it turns out I completely forgot about it. So, it would make a much better story if I had found it during one of my days of mild depression late last week, but I did not. I was already feeling better when I saw it, but I figured there is probably someone out there who could benefit from it right now, so here it is:

There are days when the burdens we carry
chafe our shoulders and wear us down,
when the road seems dreary and endless,
the skies grey and threatening,
when our lives have no music in them and our hearts are lonely,
and our souls have lost their courage.
Flood the path with light, we beseech Thee, O Lord,
turn our eyes to where the heavens are full of promise!

-St. Augustine

We could all use our paths flooded with a little light, couldn't we?

It's that time again

It seems like it was just a month ago that it was cycle day one. Well, 27 days to be exact. I guess technically I might have to wait a few hours to make sure it's not just another day of spotting but I'm pretty confident in my assessment that a new cycle has begun.

Yesterday I was having another gloomy day. I wasn't in a deep despair by any means, just a little down, bored, tired, etc. (and it had nothing to do with the impending new cycle beginning, honestly.. other than the fact that it was probably caused by hormones related to that), so I took my second walk of the day and prayed. Well I know I shouldn't be surprised, but God answered my prayers and by the end of the walk I was out of the funk and felt like a weight had been lifted. It constantly amazes me how that happens.

Still no weight loss this morning, but when does the bloating go away, anyways? When your new cycle starts? After your period? I know I shouldn't be obsessing about weight loss. That's not why I'm on this diet.

So I will collect my last saliva sample today and overnight it tomorrow. The test alone costs like $163 plus the shipping. That's a lot! Well, I guess it's not a lot when compared to the costs of procedures that insurance pays and I think I can submit it to insurance after the fact. But it's a lot when I'm trying to make forty bucks stretch til Tuesday. We've been blessed to not have any credit card debt, but this will probably be one of those times where we break out the card. (Sidenote - our lack of credit card debt, which was scarily high just a year ago, is a testament to the power of prayer. I'm serious. Try it, because amazing things can happen.)

Well gotta go, it's time now for Sophie's favorite time of the day - our walk. Actually, I think it's tied with sleeping for her. She really loves sleeping.

Ovulation complete (let's hope!)

I just took another ovulation test, and this time it was negative. So I had one positive test this month. As far as I know, that is pretty normal! It was negative three days ago, positive yesterday, and negative today. I've had great mucus for over a week. So hopefully I ovulated!

I read online last night that my medication can take a few months to work, to start lowering prolactin levels. That's good to know, if it's true. It didn't bother me, either. I was just glad to read that, so I don't get my hopes up too much before that. Actually, it relaxes me a little to know that there's no pressure for a little while. If it happens, it happens. But if it doesn't, well, I haven't even really begun working on correcting my hormones.

Can I also just say that I am so touched by all the comments and encouragement I've been getting from you all? I've been meaning to post about this for a while. I am constantly moved to tears by comments, not to mention posts on all of your own blogs as well. The thought that someone is praying for me, especially when you are dealing with this too, just touches me. This blog has been such a blessing to me because it has done nothing but boost my spirits, give me an outlet to vent, provide me with much-needed hope, and put me in touch with wonderful women who know exactly what this feels like. Not too long after I moved last fall, I remember praying for someone to be able to talk to about all of this, other than my husband. I had a couple good friends up north, but while we are still close, I don't really talk to them about this through email since we moved. So I really needed someone to fill that void. It was about a month later that I started this blog, and a month or so after I began I realized this was God's answer to my prayers. (Not to mention two women here asked me to start an infertility support group with them...that was an answer to that prayer as well!) It's just amazing how God works - when it is something that is part of your plan and beneficial to your immortal soul, He works fast and delivers big!

Day Two *Update*

So yesterday was cycle day one for me. I handled it well. It's okay because I know God will take care of me. I'm not sure how, or what will happen but I know it will be okay eventually. That's a big improvement for me. I think not really having any hope of conceiving this past fall (after I found out how bad my endometriosis was) has helped me to not get too disappointed each month, even though I guess I have a good chance of conceiving now. (Notice I said "good" chance. That fact that I can admit that is an improvement!)

So tomorrow I have to call PPVI for a cycle review. I had a short cycle this time around - only 25 days (when I first started charting my cycles were 40+ days, but lately I've had some short ones, although this is the shortest). My peak day was somewhat normal for a change - day 17 - with about 10 days of mucus. Most importantly the mucus did not stop and start, it was pretty constant during that time. But... my luteal phase was only eight days. What does that mean? Here are the luteal phase lengths for my last eight cycles: 8, 3, 12, 9, 10, 8, 10 and 3 days. I read today that you need at least to days for implantation, so three of those cycles are long enough and five aren't. And I wonder what happened when it was only 3 days. And I wish I knew what my progesterone levels were. They were okay the last time they were tested - a year ago!! Ugh... I guess this is where my patience comes in again. I'll know exactly what's going on eventually. I just have to wait.

One thing that is definitely helping to take my mind off things is our new house. We've been painting for three days now and have about four more days of it to go. We'll officially move in this weekend. I even kept my cool today when things got pretty frustrating. It involved one of those automatic roller machines and a paint color I hated. You'd think being an artist that I would be good at picking colors but I'm awful.

If anyone gets a chance, could you say a quick prayer for me? I'm going to the dentist tomorrow for a couple fillings and I have major anxiety about it. I'm actually doing well, though, because I think God is giving me the grace to be calm about it. I just want it to be over!

***Thanks for your prayers! The dentist was MUCH better than I ever thought. I brought an hour and a half of music on my ipod, specifically songs to calm me down, and I didn't even make it through Tiny Dancer and she was already done drilling! Not even one complete song! Two more visits to go now...

Questions about prayer

Today I'm on cycle day 16. I've had six peak mucus days and the ovulation tests have been positive for the last three days. I still think this is a good sign because usually on CD 16 I am just beginning my "fertile" days. I've also had some pain in my lower abdomen the last two days. So far this cycle kind of appears semi-normal, but we'll see how it goes from here.

So as this cycle progresses, I've been doing a lot of praying and thinking. I've been stuck on something the last few days: I pray to God on a daily basis asking Him to allow me to become pregnant and have a child, but if He already has a plan for us, can we change His mind? And if we are supposed to accept His will for us, is it disobedient to keep asking Him for something that may or may not be His will? How can we accept and continue to keep asking at the same time?

I started thinking about this when I was praying a novena to St. Anthony. I was struck by the wording and the confidence with which you ask St. Anthony to obtain your intention for you. Here's a sample:

Animated now with the most lively confidence, even with full conviction of not being refused, I fly for refuge to thee...

I love that confidence and it really helps me to have hope that my request will be granted. I was always taught that we can present a request to God and if He thinks it's beneficial to our soul, He may grant it. But then if God already has it all planned out, does that mean He is open to changes? Is God persuaded by a really good argument?

Let's pretend, hypothetically, that God's will for me is that I never get pregnant. So am I wasting my time praying for a pregnancy? I know the benefits of prayer in general and getting a "yes" answer isn't the only reason to pray. But it just seems like a lot of time is spent asking for certain things and if we weren't able to change God's will, then why would so many people bother? Ahhh! This is so confusing!!

Here's a really bad analogy: Let's say I really wanted a certain gift from my parents for my birthday. I know they already bought me my present, which they really put a lot of thought into. I don't know what their present is, but I still ask them every day for a certain item I really want, which may or may not be the item they already bought me. Isn't it rude to keep asking them for this item, knowing they've already purchased a present and did it with my best interest in mind? But if I made a good argument for what I really wanted, why it would be ideal for me to have (and not selfish, mundane reasons, but that this present would make me a better person and a better daughter), would they take the first present back (assuming it wasn't already what I was asking for) and buy me what I wanted? My parents may, but I know them much better than I know God. He is still a big mystery to me for the most part, but I know He loves us and hears us.

There's probably an established Catholic teaching on this, but I'm not sure where to look. I posed this question to my poor husband and he seemed to understand it and have an answer but I couldn't make sense of what he was saying. Maybe I'll ask my question on EWTN's apologist forum. I'm definitely going to pray about it.

Sorry if this is confusing. Please share your thoughts on this if you have any!

What I've learned so far this Lent

My first 15 minutes of silent prayer went well yesterday (although after I finished my post I completely forgot that I had just written that I was going to pray and only remembered after checking email and a few websites). I had a nun (actually a sister, but for the sake of not confusing it with one of my biological sisters, I'll call her a nun) instruct me once to sit in a chair with my feet planted firmly on the ground and close my eyes. So I do this, and then ask God to speak to my heart. It's sometimes hard at first because I like to fidget, but I usually calm down after a few minutes and then the time flies. Between yesterday and today I think I had a few good topics come up while I prayed. I'll share them here from time to time, for no other reason than so I can reflect on them and perhaps they'll help someone else as well.

Yesterday, while in prayer, I think God was trying to get me to examine my motives for wanting a pregnancy. Now, I know He knows I want to raise up children to worship Him, because I have told him this a hundred times. I don't think He thinks my heart is entirely in the wrong place. But I do think He is questioning this immense desire for so-called joy that I say I have. You know, that feeling of complete happiness and accomplishment and celebration that we see others experience and we feel left out? I think the Super Bowl first brought it to mind, just imagining how it must feel the night of a Super Bowl win. Then I thought about it again while watching American Idol, the complete joy the contestants who get a yellow ticket to Hollywood must feel. I think seeing a positive pregnancy test would feel that way, and lately I've begun to covet that feeling. Not that there's anything wrong with joy or being happy about a pregnancy; of course God longs for us to be joyful and learning of a pregnancy has been a joyful time for people throughout history. But it's the coveting of that feeling where I go wrong. I obsess over it, imagine what it must feel like, feel sorry for myself that it appears unattainable, jealous of those who experience it in any form. This is where it goes from actual joy to a worldly desire for pleasure. I think God is trying to get me back on track. Like I said, He knows my intentions are pure for the most part, but this infertility thing can mess with your head. Plus, I think He wants to remind me that joy is there for the taking and I don't need a pregnancy to experience it. Right now that is a hard pill to swallow, but deep down I know it's true. I just can't seem to figure out how to feel it right now.

I've also been trying to focus on trusting in God's will. Along with working on having patience this Lent, I am also going to try to trust God. I had an insight into this the other day while brushing my dog Sophie's hair. She's a Lhasa Apso (the ones in the dog shows who have hair all the way to the ground..it must be a full-time job to keep up with that) and for the past three years I haven't been good about brushing her hair and she always becomes all matted and then we have to take her to get shaved. So I'm trying something new and brushing her hair every day or so. For the most part she must like it because she sits still, but the other day I must have hit a knot because she went nuts. She immediately jumped up, barked at me and showed me her teeth to which I replied, "Sophie, I'm doing this for you!" I realized that, obviously, she can't possibly understand that I have her best interest in mind. Her reaction comes from an inability to trust me in this situation. Well, I immediately thought of how this parallels my own problems with God. Infertility is causing me pain and I blame Him for this. Why? Because I don't trust Him. If I trusted Him I would take the pain because I know He has my overall best interest in mind. But, just like Sophie, I growl and bark at Him because of a lack of trust. I know this is something I need to work on and so I'm going to try to pray something simple this Lent that is second nature to Catholics but I, for one, don't really mean it: Thy will be done. Maybe if I pray it with my head, my heart will follow.

This is kind of a hodge-podge post, and I know this is getting long, but I wanted to include a story of something that happened last night at Ash Wednesday Mass. I had to go alone because my husband works nights and I went to a church closer to our house, instead of where we normally go. The place was packed; I had to park on the road a distance away and had to stand, along with dozens of others, in the back of the church. At the end of the homily the priest announced that high school students were going to assist in handing out the ashes. When I reached the front of the line a high school boy put his hand to my forehead and proceeded to absolutely drench me in ashes. I felt them all over my nose. I watched them fall onto my shirt. As I turned to walk back I put my hand to my nose only to realize I had probably just smudged a small portion of what was covering my face. I put my head down (of course I had worn my hair in a pony tail so there was no hiding) and I felt like people were staring and I swear I heard laughing (I'm sure I didn't really, but it's amazing what your mind can do). Let me just say, too, that I'm not someone who likes to show off their ashes. I've heard the debate about whether people who like to wear their ashes should go to an evening Mass, while those who are embarrassed of them should go in the morning. I would definitely be someone who should go in the morning, because it would truly be a penance for me to wear them all day, worrying if people were looking at and judging me. So while walking back I immediately began to think that God must have done this to me because He knows I don't like them and was trying to teach me humility. Well, if so, it worked. But then I began to think that my huge amount of ashes must be proportionate to the amount of sin I've committed this past year. Kind of like coal in your stocking at Christmas, God was showing the world, or at least this packed parish, that this woman was really bad. Finally I reached the back of the church and kept walking, looking for a bathroom. I found it, prayed no one would look at me as I entered, and luckily found an open stall just inside the door. I closed the stall door behind me, whipped out a compact with mirror and saw the horror - it was pretty bad. I wiped it all off, tried to wipe off my shirt, and calmly walked out to the sink area. As I was washing my hands, a woman walked in laughing - with ashes all over her face! She was complaining about the high school boy who did it when another pretty young girl heard her and said that was why she was in the bathroom too. So I chimed in, and immediately felt better. So maybe it wasn't some big lesson about what a horrible person I am! But then again, there are probably a few lessons in there somewhere.

Prayer

I'm feeling good today, although a bit hesitant about my Lenten sacrifice of impatience and nervous that I will fail. My good spirits may be due to the weather outside - it is in the 70's and I'm a life-long northerner so I feel like I'm vacation - or to hormones. But, nonetheless, I haven't been impatient this Lent as of 3:30 p.m. EST.

Something I have been thinking about today, though, is prayer. I will need prayer to help me with patience throughout the next forty days. But I'm just not good at it. I loved having my weekly hour of perpetual adoration before we moved because it forced me to pray and also opened me up to new forms of prayer, namely sitting in silence and listening to God speak. Left to my own devices I am just not disciplined enough to pray. I think this is because my mind is constantly racing and thinking about a million different things (right now my topic of choice is paint colors for our new home). Or else I find a million things to do other than praying - there's just a couple more websites I need to check first or I might be missing something on t.v. This is so bad! I love God, so why isn't this love motivation enough? Do I love t.v. or the internet or decorating rooms more? Then, as you see, I fall into the whole guilt thing and am hard on myself. But nothing changes.

It's not that I don't pray. What I am good at is praying all day long, wherever I am. I pray while reading others' blogs. I pray when I hear of someone's sickness or death. I pray in a tempting situation when I need God's help. I pray when I'm depressed. But I just don't feel like it is enough and I know I have enough time on my hands to do much more. I also know that I need prayer to get me through infertility and I definitely haven't done what I should be doing in that department.

I also have a problem with how to pray. I have had assistance with this and have gotten better at it, but I'm still not sure I'm maximizing its potential. Like I said before, I have trouble concentrating during prayer. I try to pray at night while I lie in bed and before I know it I'm thinking about something else. How rude that is to God!

I obviously need to work on prayer this Lent. I really like the sitting in silence idea. Maybe instead of loading myself up with lofty goals of starting the Diving Office or some other sort of formal prayer (and setting myself up for failure) I will simply put aside some time to pray in silence, shutting out everything else and listening to God speak to me (heaven knows I need His input right now). I will start small, say 15 minutes a day, and increase it when I feel like I want to (again, so I don't set myself up for failure).

Now the problem is actually doing it. So I guess I will end this post and do it. Right now. Before I lose motivation, or check my email, or turn the t.v. on. Wish me luck.

My patron saint and me

Today I received my patron saint for the year from yourpatronsaint.blogspot.com. I read about the site on another blog and was immediately intrigued. All you have to do is email someone through the site and they match you up with a saint. I'm not sure how they actually do the matches, but they say the saint chooses you. So, of course, I emailed the woman to ask for my saint for the year with the hope that it would provide some insight into my infertility and whether I'd soon get pregnant (everything with me revolves around possibly gaining some hint from God as to whether I'll ever have a baby. Probably not a good thing).

Well I received my saint today via email and it's (drumroll please).........

Saint Isidore the Farmer.

That's right, Farmer. As in one who works on a FARM. Well, if St. Isidore chose me, there must be a reason so I immediately googled him. Turns out there is a connection, and an initially depressing one at that.

Here's a quick synopsis: St. Isidore and his wife had one son who died unexpectedly as a child. They were in such grief that they decided God did not will for them to have children (ya, that's right). They decided to live a chaste life (yes, they lived together without having sex for the rest of their lives) doing good works.

Wow! My immediate reaction was easy: A childless saint chose me therefore I will be childless. Plain and simple. It took me a little while to get past this, at which time I realized I should probably look more into it; I at least owed that to St. Isidore.

What I came up with is that St. Isidore choosing me may not be a sign that I will be childless, but it may be a sign that he knows what I'm going through. Sometimes I like to picture the saints watching us and feeling sad for us. I'm not sure there even is sadness in heaven, but thinking that they feel sorry for me makes me feel a little better. I'm not sure why, but it does. So maybe St. Isidore feels my pain and wants to comfort me.

We obviously don't share the death of a child, but then my mind immediately went to miscarriage. Will I suffer a miscarriage this year? But I realized that I don't think God is trying to give me hints. God doesn't send us cryptic messages to decipher and find hidden meaning in. He also doesn't want us to worry all day about something possibly happening. So I don't think that was the intention.

I also started thinking I could probably learn a lot from St. Isidore's reaction to his childlessness, which was vastly different from my own. He started going to daily Mass and decided to take the quite drastic step of living a chaste married life. I don't think God wants that of me (the chaste part at least.. I should go to daily Mass) or for us to give up trying for children, but I'm not even in the same stratosphere as St. Isidore when it comes to our reactions. He embraced God in a radical way, while I am fighting God's will tooth and nail.

So I think I'll start asking St. Isidore for his intercession. When I feel like no one understands, maybe St. Isidore will. His grief moved him to change his life for the better and to focus on his true calling - worshipping God. All I'm doing in my grief is feeling sorry for myself. I guess there's a lot I could learn from this farmer.