Big day

It's been a very long day!

We just got home from Baltimore, where I did an interview this morning to promote my documentary, Watch With Me. It was very exciting!

I found out last week that a Catholic television network, CatholicTV, has decided to air my movie early next year (yay!). As part of the promotion for that, they wanted to interview me about the movie for an interview-style show they do. 

Since CatholicTV staff were in Baltimore to cover the USCCB annual fall meeting this week, they asked if I could make it up there to do an interview in a make-shift studio they erected in a hotel suite at the Marriot Waterfront Hotel, where the bishops' meeting was being held. So that's where we were this morning.


It was neat to be right where all the bishops were meeting, although they were behind closed doors while we were there. 

The room where I did the interview was set up like a temporary studio, and they had tons of drinks and food, even cigars (which, of course, Ryan took for use at a later date)!

Here I am getting miked up for the interview:


The interview lasted between five and seven minutes. They'll edit it before it airs. 




Here I am with the wonderful people we met from CatholicTV:


I'm not sure when the interview will air, but probably in December or January, and the actual movie will air in January or February. I'm sure I'll post the dates when I get them. (And in case you wondered, CatholicTV is based out of the Boston area and airs on cable throughout New England, as well as some other cities, such as Detroit. It's on Verizon Fios on demand in certain areas, and it's available on satellite on Sky Angel IPTV anywhere in the country. Programming is also available online, and on iTunes.)

So that was exciting! It was a whirlwind, though, because Ryan had to be back for work by 2:30 this afternoon, so we were back in the car by 11:30 and heading home. We did make a couple detours, though. The first was to drive by Charm City Cakes:


I know, we're dorks. We don't even LOVE that show, we just like it okay. We also like to make fun of the fact that nothing is ever going on. Ryan joked that there will be a whole episode from today about Geoff making a Rosary cake for the bishops' meeting, as they all notice a tan Camry driving back and forth outside.

Then, we went to one of my favorite places:

Wegmans!! I'd never been to this one before (near D.C.) and it was awesome! I know most of you don't even know what it is, but suffice it to say that's it's the best grocery store on the planet. We went to get lunch because they have an amazing cafe part as well. They're based in upstate New York, and this is the southern-most one there is. I dream of living near one someday so it can be the grocery store I shop at, which hasn't happened in about ten years. So at least if I can't get pregnant, maybe the grocery store dream will work out for me! 

So that's my big news! We feel very blessed that it is being picked up by this Catholic station and we hope it can inspire those who watch it to spend time in adoration. This experience has reminded me that while some prayers are taking longer to be answered, we are given blessings in other ways. 

I still have a cycle update to give you (I know, you are waiting with bated breath!!) and a story about being ripped off. Let's just say it involves my wedding ring. Oooh, the suspense! I might post later, but for now I'm heading off to take a nap. I'm working on five hours sleep and six hours in the car today!

The Infant

I've been meaning to write this post for a couple weeks now. It's just that what I'm about to write is so important to my infertility experience that I wanted to give it its due, and each time I sat down to write it I was either too busy, or there was too much going on around me, or I just wasn't in the right frame of mind. And, as with many experiences, I needed to capture it while it was still fresh or I might begin to question its importance or doubt its authenticity. I have already begun to do that to some degree.

Okay. Now that you're hopes are officially raised... (Seriously, don't get your hopes up. Forget I gave it any introduction or that I teased it all week. I'm just about to write a random post that you happened to come upon.)

So let's go back a little bit to early August (I'm going to tell this story in the timeline I experienced it). I was getting ready to travel up north for the big premiere, when I got a phone call from Betty, the woman helping to organize the event. She's the coordinator of the perpetual adoration chapel featured in the movie. At the end of our phone call, she said she was praying for me to have a child (as always) and was talking about how maybe God will bless me with that now that the movie's done, but maybe He won't. Then she asked me what my production company, Es.therJa.ne Productions is named after. I told her it was for my grandmother, Esther, who died when I was seven (we were super close and it seriously took me like 15 years to get over it and greatly affected my childhood). Then Betty said, out of the blue, "You know, you should pray to your grandmother. She's part of the communion of Saints and we don't utilize that enough." Well, that's all I needed. It's safe to say I took that as a sign that I was supposed to pray to her. I can just imagine her up there looking down on me, watching me go through this struggle with infertility. It must be breaking her heart, if that can even happen in Heaven.

I asked my grandmother for her intercession that night, and the next. Then a couple days later as we're driving up north, I mentioned Betty's remark to my husband, Ry.an, and told him that I'd prayed to my grandmother. He asked, "Didn't your mother have a dream about your grandmother and you and a baby, or something?" I answered, "That sounds oddly familiar, but if she did, how in the world would I have possibly forgotten something like that?" I mean, seriously, I'm seeing talking babies, yet I erase from my mind a dream involving me, my deceased grandmother, and a baby?

[I should also add that my mother and her mother (not Esther) have both had dreams involving deceased relatives throughout their lives. It's not something they talk about at all, and it doesn't happen very frequently. She's even had a few about Esther, including one in the days after her death that my mother isn't even sure was a dream. She saw her standing in her bedroom, clear as day. The other few were definitely dreams, but extremely vivid nonetheless. We'll get back to that later.]

So fast forward to the night of the premiere, after the movie is finished, as people are leaving. As I'm standing with one of my good friends (who also happens to be featured in the film) she mentioned to me that she'd been praying for me, which is not surprising in and of itself, but as she put it, "I have no idea why, but I've been praying for you to the Infant of Prague." A light bulb immediately went off in my brain and I probably sounded like an idiot because my reply was, "Uh, um, that sounds familiar. There's something about that...I need to ask someone..." My mind was doing cartwheels as I was trying to put it all together. My grandmother. The dream. The Infant of Prague.

Because that night was one of the craziest nights of my life, I wasn't able to speak to my mother about this. Meanwhile, in the back of my mind, I was worrying that it wasn't the Infant who was in her dream, that it was some other saint or image of Christ. As soon as I woke up the next morning, though, I asked her about it over the phone as she was at work.

"Mom, this might sound weird, but did you have a dream about _____ [name I called my grandmother, Esther, which is very far from Grandma or Granny or Nanny, so I'm gonna leave it out. Think baby's-first-words-but-unfortunately-not-directed-towards-her-father-like-they-should-have-been], a baby and the Infant of Prague?"

Yes, she did, she said. It was probably about a year and a half ago, and she told me about it at the time, but I still have NO IDEA how this slipped my mind (one a side-note, my sister thinks I wasn't supposed to remember it then, and that it was meant for now). She also said that at the time she wasn't worrying about my infertility at all. Here's the dream:

My mother sees me lying in bed in my childhood bedroom, as a child, and an Infant of Prague statue is over my bed (I should also add that I didn't have a statue over my bed as a child; my family didn't even own one). For some reason, she has a hard time describing what the statue was on or in - a shelf of some sort, but then she says it was in some sort of frame, yet it was a statue, not a picture. Probably not important, but you never know.

Cut to the next 'scene,' and I'm an adult, holding a baby. As my mother looks at me, surprised, my grandmother appears. "Don't worry," she says to my mother. "It's the Infant of Prague."

She said my grandmother went on to say that the Polish people have a devotion to him (my grandmother was 100% Polish, and while I haven't found a great deal on the internet about the Polish devotion to the Infant, I know that it is true because I have other, unrelated, Polish relatives who also have a devotion. And while the Infant of Prague is obviously in Prague, in the Czech Republic, the country still borders Poland).

I couldn't believe it. It was all starting to come together. A few things became very clear to me that morning, namely, 1) God himself wants me to have a devotion to the Infant of Prague, 2) my grandmother is definitely watching over me and taking care of me, specifically when it comes to infertility, and 3) she said "Don't worry." Don't worry! I seriously take that to mean that everything WILL turn out okay. And let's just add that I was holding a baby when she said it.

Was I holding the Infant Jesus? I'm not sure, but probably. Was I holding my future baby? I don't think so. One way you could interpret it would be to say that it means I won't have a baby of my own, but I will always have baby Jesus to hold. While I'm ever the pessimist (no offense, baby Jesus, at all), I just don't think that's what it means. And surprisingly, this isn't the first time someone has had an image of me holding Christ as a baby.

So back to the story. The next day, I'm online looking for an Infant of Prague statue, when I suddenly notice its feast day. January 2nd. My birthday. And St. Therese's birthday, who also happened to have a devotion to Him. I shrieked. I couldn't believe it; it was another sign. (I should also add that since that initial discovery, I have realized that there is quite the discrepancy over the Infant's feast day. Some put it in May, others put it in late January. But I'm fine with that, because my birthday is still in the mix. I don't think that's a coincidence.)

It's safe to say that I immediately jumped head first into a devotion to the Infant of Prague. I know God wants me to. I'm still looking for just the right statue, and someone told me the other day that it has to be given to you. That might be more of an old-wives-tale sort of thing, but as I continue to scour the internet, I am praying that the right statue will find me. We are more than half way through a novena which I plan on saying each month. And we even visited an Infant of Prague shrine about an hour away this past Saturday. We both described feeling very calm and serene as we prayed before the Infant in the quite loud church (Mass was letting out).

I truly believe that God was giving me a grace with this glimpse into Him, and perhaps it was no coincidence that he did it on the night of my premiere. I'm not saying I deserved a reward or that God even works like that, but this has been a hard-fought battle and I'm just starting to turn a corner and I think God likes that. I prayed - hard - for a sign, all while asking His forgiveness that I needed a sign in the first place. I shouldn't. But He knows we are human and He sees us struggle. He knows when our intentions are pure and we are not attempting to prove His existence, just get some much-needed help along the way as we bear our Cross.

In the weeks following this turn of events, my mind, naturally, has begun to downplay it. Even as I write this post I'm worried some may read it and think I'm looking too far into a silly dream and some additional coincidences. I can't let that doubt creep in. (And, for what it's worth, there are documented miracles attributed to the Infant that involve dreams.)

As all of these events were happening, my view of this struggle of infertility completely changed. I was holding a baby, my grandmother told my mother, "DON'T WORRY." This message makes me realize I can do this, I can get through this. God, Himself, wants me to be strong. He was in my arms in the form of a baby, what I want most in this world.

I have felt much more peace in the days since, and I truly have the utmost confidence that the Miraculous Infant is taking care of me and doing His best to grant me my heart's desire. This was all a gift from God, and to now downplay it would be to make light of a gift that I prayed for from Him. Thanks, God. That was a pretty good try, but could you be even more obvious next time? Maybe come to me in a crowded shopping mall and publicly declare the day I will conceive? Oh, and I'll also take an order of financial security and health for my entire family with that. Thanks.

I'll probably need to reflect on this in additional posts, but this is the main story for now. Thanks for reading, and feel free to offer any insights you may have on it as well. There's definitely a lot for me to think about!

Brief update

I have a lot I need to post about. One story in particular that blew me away last week. I'm too tired to do it now, but I did want to post something in the meantime, so here's a quick update.

• My cycle ended up lasting to day 26. Not great, but better than had it lasted only 23 days, which is what it seemed like it was going to be at one point.




• I had a lot of pain at the end of the last cycle/beginning of this cycle. Not sure why, and whether it is related to pcos or if endometriosis is making a comeback.




• I am now on day 5 of my current cycle.




• We are still excited from last week's premiere and I can't imagine that anything could top that. I am getting an average of one DVD request a day, which is great, and we haven't even begun any marketing outside of the city it was filmed in. We have to order a second run already!




• Two DVDs are now in the hands of a couple who will be sending them on to EWTN and the Vatican (God is so good!). Needless to say we're praying hard!




• Have I mentioned how blessed I am? Not only has God's grace completely enveloped us this last week with the movie, but separately from that, I have an immense amount of peace about infertility. I am SO excited for God's plan for us and I just know that He will take care of us. He is our God and there is no one I would rather follow, even if it seems at times like we are following Him into the darkness. To say that He has our best interest in mind is an understatement. He loves us more than we can imagine, and if we give ourselves completely to Him, we will have peace and joy no matter what happens. And I'm so thankful to God that He has allowed me to come to this realization, despite my whining and complaining for nearly four years!

Have a great Monday everyone!

Premiere pictures

In case you're interested, here are a ton of pictures from the big premiere:

My family, minus one sister in CA who was very sad she couldn't be there.

Two of the adorers featured in the movie.

These two twin nuns (on my husband's immediate left) are amazing women.
The one closest to him was basically my spiritual advisor for a while.

The priest at the parish where the chapel is located.

The same priest with the woman in charge of the chapel.

One of the children featured in the movie. How cute is she?

The man who provided the music for the film, with his wife and new baby.

A portion of the packed theater before the movie started.

This was taken right as the movie ended.

The chapel's coordinator speaking at the end.

My husband was basically the m.c. for the night.

People lining up to buy DVDs after the movie. We never expected this in a million years.

One of my aunts and one of my uncles buying DVDs from my mom.

The same aunt. She actually made me sign her copy (for my faithful readers, she is the aunt who went to Omaha with me for my second surgery).

My husband and I with our dear friends, who also happen to be some of the stars of the movie. They are an amazing family, really special people.

It's safe to say we are still on cloud nine from the event. Thank you, God!

Amazing night

It's late and I need to go to bed, but I just had to post quickly first. Tonight was the premiere of my documentary, and let's just say that it was a success. It was amazing! It was one of the best nights ever. First of all, the theater was packed. Here's what it looked like minutes before it began:

Every seat was taken, chairs were set up in the back, and people were turned away (unfortunately.. I hope no one was upset, but we were forced to because it would have been a fire hazard), so that means there were more than 280 people in attendance. The movie couldn't have gone better - people laughed in all the right places (and in some spots I didn't predict!), oooed and awwwed, and some even told me they cried. We got a standing ovation at the end, and as people were leaving, I felt like I was in a receiving line at my wedding. It was incredible! Oh, and believe it or not (I still don't), we sold more than 200 DVDs! What?! That was a shocker. On the ride up this afternoon I asked my husband if he thought we'd sell 20. Who knew?

God has blessed us in ways I could never have imagined. A couple years ago, before I began work on this project, I prayed and prayed for God to give me something to work on, some big way I could serve Him. I asked for this because of infertility - I wanted something to focus on, I wanted something important to do if I currently was not called to be a mother. Well, God definitely delivered. I never would have guessed that all of this would have worked out like it did, and that tonight could have happened. The road would have been much too difficult if not for little gifts from God (free trip to Italy, donation to cover costs, not having to work, etc., etc., etc.). He made everything so easy and for that I am eternally grateful. It is just more evidence that He is answering my prayers.

Thanks so much for all your support and prayers! I'll post more pictures tomorrow :)

They're here!

Yay! We're so excited the DVDs are here! And we can't believe we're screening it in front of nearly 300 people in just a few days. We are truly blessed that this project has reached this point, and we give all the glory to God!

Waiting for my movie!

Well today I am anxiously awaiting my DVDs, which are supposed to be ready anytime. It will be so exciting to actually see them, all 250 of them! Now we just have to work on getting rid of them...

In cycle-related news, my temp is still up at 98.2. It's been there for four days now, except for three days ago when it dropped to 97.7. Not sure what that means. I also had some mucus yesterday - it was 10C, and was a tad bit yellowish. Not sure what that means either!

And some good news to report...I have now lost 26 pounds! I'm closing in on my goal weight (9 pounds to go). Soon I might actually have to adjust my goal weight to be a little lower. I'm just so thankful that God has given me the strength to keep with this diet and to have a good attitude about it. It's definitely one area of my life where He is blessing me tremendously. Oh - and my husband has lost 23 pounds. I'm so proud of him!

Speaking of my husband, today is his first day back at work. He's doing so great and is feeling much better. Isn't modern medicine amazing? He had back surgery two weeks ago and he is already almost completely back to normal. He still has some leg pain and it will be a little while longer until he can get back to playing basketball, but considering where he was, he is doing fabulously.

Sorry for the boring post. If and when I get my DVDs I'll update with a picture!

P.S. I am not sure if I took my first dose of met today. Am I better off taking my chances of missing the dose or possibly taking it twice this afternoon? I'm only on 1000 mgs (one 500 mg pill two times a day), so if I did already take it and I take it again, I'll have taken 1500 mg today. I'm leaning towards taking it right now. What do you think?

Movie update

How is it that my pets sleep all day long and all night, too? I was in our backyard for a little while this afternoon and Sophie was bothered to have to be out there with me. I was clearly disrupting her all-day nap. (And this shot will be her last with the current long-hair look she's sporting. She getting groomed tomorrow, but don't tell her that).

While they sleep, I've been hard at work on my movie. We've scheduled the premiere for August 12 in Uti.ca, New York, which is where the movie is set. And we're SO excited that it's going to be held here. It's a really classy art museum that has a theater, which we are renting for a very reasonable price. It probably didn't hurt that the woman we needed to contact recognized my husband's name and must have liked him when he was on t.v. there (have I mentioned that basically NO ONE remembers me from the news there but he is like the biggest deal. And we were co-anchors!). I don't think any of my fellow bloggers are from that area, but if you are, let me know if you want to come to the showing. It's free, but there are a limited number of seats so we're taking reservations.

We also met with a company that will be making our DVDs. So now I'm working on the artwork for the jacket and although I have designed brochures, newsletters and websites in the past, I am by no means a graphic artist by trade (anyone understand DPI?). I was trying to use screen shots from the movie today, but I think I'm going to have to bite the bullet and "re-create" some of the images with a still camera next week. I'll be able to do that because I'm going back to NY next Wednesday (driving all by myself, mind you) to do some freelance t.v. work, so not only will I be able to get the shots, but I'll also be able to visit my family (and make some money!).

In other exciting documentary-related news today - my movie website is listed on daniellebean.com. I am pumped!

So far, so good

Well I took my first dose of metformin this morning. Nothing to really report yet, except in just the last half hour or so I've felt like my stomach is a little off and my head hurts a bit. But that might just be me looking for it. Just in case, though, I'm going to lay down for a while and take it easy. I think my dose is pretty low, though, so I have a feeling I'll be okay.

In the good news department, we have found the perfect place for our movie premiere. It's at a really classy art museum in the city we used to live in (and the city that the movie is set in). They have a theater that seats the perfect number - not too big and not too small - and it is (surprisingly) affordable. So we're excited!

In other good news, I am all set to go to a water park in about a week and a half. Did I mention we're going to a water park? It's something I haven't done since I was a kid (mainly because we didn't live in a part of the country where they existed), but it's always been something I've absolutely loved. So as I've been trying to find fun things to do to get my mind off of infertility, this came up. I haven't wanted to do it in years mainly due to not wanting to wear a bathing suit. Well, I still don't want to wear a bathing suit, but since I feel so much better about myself I have at least found a solution. This might sound weird, but I found men's swim trunks at J Cr.ew that, when worn in a smaller size, don't appear to be men's swim trunks (hopefully), and I'm going to wear them with a tankini on top. I figured that even if I was skinny, I wouldn't want to parade around in bathing suit bottoms anyway! I'll have to post a picture of myself in my "bathing suit" at some point!

Right now I'm watching my hubby on t.v. He isn't normally on at this hour, but he's filling in for someone. He's wearing a new suit that he bought on Monday, which looks really good! I'm so proud of him for dropping so much weight, too. It has made it SO much easier that he is dieting right along with me.

Sorry for the boring post, but I figured after a couple heavy ones, I needed to lighten up!

Big day

It's been an emotional weekend. There have been a couple of mini-breakdowns. Which is why I haven't posted.. I figured they'd be angry, bitter posts and I'd regret them.

I'm exaggerating. It wasn't really that bad.

So tomorrow's the big day (technically it's already tomorrow). My doctor's appointment is at 11:30 a.m. I know this might shock you but I'm nervous about my weigh-in. Remind me next time to not set stupid goals for myself that I might not reach no matter how hard I tried (negative much?). It's just that I'm fragile these days, so not reaching it could be bad.

In other news, I've been cheating on this blog. I am now the proud owner of three blogs - this one, a private weight loss blog I'm doing with my sister, and a blog for my documentary. It's too much! And to keep them all separate (and this one secret), they're all on different accounts. I already inevitably commented on this blog with my other blog's username. I'm bound to do it again, so bear with me.

Hopefully I'll have good news to post tomorrow (today)!

New site

The website for my documentary is up and running. Here's the link. It's kind of basic because I did it myself and had to work around dumb things like the inability to change the text of hyperlinks (solution: put them on a dark-colored box). You'll see. It will get the job done, though. I just hope I did the keywords and meta tags and all that right, or else no one will find it. Just putting it in God's hands at this point!

In other news, I think a new cycle is starting today or tomorrow because I've had some spotting. The great news, though, is that my doctor's appointment is now less than a week away! I can't wait. I just feel like I get closer to a pregnancy with every doctor's appointment I go to. And this one should be especially revealing because I will get the results of my month-long saliva test. So hopefully I'll have lots to share next Monday!

A few more things...

First of all, I forgot to point out that tomorrow is our next infertility support group meeting. If you are anywhere near the Richmond, VA area, consider joining us! It's at St. Benedict's Catholic Church, 300 North Sheppard St., Richmond, at 9 a.m.

Secondly, I was going to tell you all that my new website was up and running today, but I've decided it needs a little more work before I "go public". Actually, a lot more work. Anyone familiar with iWeb? It's like a super-easy website design program, but it's still not easy enough for me.

Lastly, I am very sad to hear about the passing of Tim Russert. Since my husband and I are/were both journalists, we've always liked him, especially my husband. Just a week and a half ago, my husband had the opportunity to interview him (which happened only after talking another reporter into letting him do the interview which she was originally scheduled for). He was so excited. They had a few things in common - both from Buffalo, both huge Bills fans, both t.v. news anchors and both political junkies. Russert probably had my husband's dream job - a political journalist. Actually, my husband warned me that he might not come home from the interview because if Russert asked him to work for him at the NBC Washington Bureau, he was just going to follow him back!

Here they are together on May 31:



He was also a devout Catholic, apparently attended Mass several times a week, and was at the Vatican with his family just days before he died.

May he rest in peace.

I'm back

It was a long trip that included two overnight drives, one sick dog, a wedding, a sore throat, seven stops, 24 hours in the car and a lot of quick visits. It was fun and tiring and although I wish we had had more time, I'm glad to be back home and sleeping in our own bed. The wedding was great and my videography was a success (well, I haven't watched it yet, but I didn't miss any important moments so it can't be that bad). Here are a couple pics from the wedding:

That's my sister-in-law's baby. Isn't he cute?

So for a cycle update... I don't have my chart in front of me right now (and I'm too lazy to go and get it), but I'm pretty sure I had an "ovulatory event" the day before we left, which I think was day 15 (I think I'm on day 22 today). My temperature spiked around that same time. It went down a couple days later (although I woke up really early that day) but went back up the next day and stayed there. Today it went up an additional 3-tenths of a degree, but that is probably because I slept in real late. So nothing is too out of the ordinary this cycle except that while I was gone I had a lot of abdominal pain. I'm assuming it's related to PCOS.

As for my diet, on our scale I'm down to (or up to) fifteen pounds. While I was at my parents I weighed myself on a big scale, like the one in a doctor's office, and with my clothes on I had lost 13 pounds (that is, as compared to the scale at my last doctor's appointment). So it's safe to say I'm somewhere between 13 and 15 pounds. It wasn't too tough to eat good on the road because there were meat and vegetables choices at both the rehearsal dinner and the wedding, and we brought a big box of our oats to have for breakfast each day. And since my mom and sister had kind of started the diet, it was easy to eat healthy at their house. We slacked off on walking though, so we do need to get back in that routine. The best part was that everyone who saw me thought I looked a lot thinner, so that was nice to hear. Although last night on the way home I really could have gone for a big fast food burger. But I didn't.

So the other highlight of the trip was showing the documentary to one of the families prominently featured in it. They loved and since the parents are both PhD's and are probably the most intelligent people we know, it was really neat to listen to them talk about it on an intellectual after we watched it. We also gave a copy to the woman in charge of the adoration chapel, who is also featured in the movie, and she called after she watched it to say she loved it too! So now we are working on securing a venue for a screening and getting the website up and running.

So that's the update. As for my mental condition, I really felt good the whole trip. I'm just focusing on my next doctor's appointment that is now less than two weeks away. I've got to have small goals!

Heading up north

Well we're off to my sister-in-law's wedding this weekend. We leave tonight and will drive through the night (we're much better at night) and hopefully get there early Friday morning. I'm actually videotaping the wedding, so I'm a little nervous. Even for people who know how to run a camera (and I don't know if I can officially say I know how to run my camera, it has a pretty steep learning curve) and who have experience with shooting, doing a wedding is tough. There is so much you have to get. There are no do-overs. So, I'm really hoping the shot of her coming down the aisle isn't too bright or blue or whatever.

The other great part about heading up to New York this weekend is that because my husband's normal days off are Monday and Tuesday, we'll get to see my parents for a couple days as well. That also means that we'll drive through the city we just moved from and we're going to stop in to show the documentary to some of the people who are in it. I'm really excited for that! I can't wait to see what they think.

Speaking of the movie, my friend (who, by the way, is also the one who is adopting) is giving a copy of it this week to (follow me here) the parents of a child in her class who has a relative who works at EWTN. I can't believe she even has that connection, and is nice enough to give them a copy. I'm not sure if anything will come of it, but at least it's a connection. I still plan on sending it to EWTN the traditional way, and I'm not counting out finding another connection as well (something that the Lord has already set in motion, actually).

We probably won't have internet access until Sunday night, so I don't know what I'll do without my blog! I'm sure I'll make it. In the meantime, I'm praying for all of you!

Documentary preview

Here is the brand new trailer for the documentary I've been working on with my husband about Perpetual Eucharistic Adoration.

(Note: If you have found this blog through searching the internet for this movie, please know that this is not the film's website. It is actually a personal blog about infertility, and while it is open to public viewing, it is probably very boring to someone not currently experiencing infertility [and, if you know me personally, use your judgment in reading this blog any further!]. What you really want to check out is the film's website by clicking here.)

The new love in my life

Oh, strawberry, where have you been all these years? I apologize for ignoring you for so long. I know, we had some good times when I was a kid, back when we'd go strawberry picking. It's just that you came to symbolize healthy food and all that is not fun. But I've officially started a new chapter in my life and I'm happy to announce...you're a part of it, strawberry!

By the way, have you smelled them before? (I know, I know, not everyone swore off fruit for the last decade). They are intoxicating. I just stand in the produce department with the little plastic cartons to my nose. I can eat a carton a day, easily. I wonder if that is bad. Oh well, it's better than a carton of ice cream.

The diet is going well. We've had several new items for dinner that we would have liked even before the diet, like chicken cordon bleu, fajitas, cheese steak roll-ups, all with approved low-glycemic and low-fat ingredients of course (I've gotten creative). We've also had filet mignon (because it is allowed on this diet, and you better believe I'll be making it once a week..I need something to look forward to), pasta primavera, turkey chili, and much more. Turkey sandwiches, omega-3 eggs and eggbeaters, fruit, salad, high-fiber whole wheat toast, almonds and low-fat no-sugar-added ice cream, among other things, serve as breakfast, lunch and snacks (I do use a little regular butter on my toast which my mom assured me is not going to hurt me and if my mom says it, it must be true). My husband also eats low-fat cottage cheese and all-bran cereal, but I can't stomach either. Did I mention he's doing the diet with me? He weighed himself today and lost three pounds. Yay! I haven't officially weighed myself yet (I thought our scale was broken until he pointed out today that you can manually turn the little arrow back to zero) but my clothes are a little looser. 

So I made another bag. This one is for my mom for Mother's Day (again, I hope she doesn't secretly read this blog). I am not 100% happy with it because the fabric store I went to didn't sell cotton canvas, which is supposed to be sewn inside to make the bag a little more durable. Instead, I used fusible fleece (I think that's what it's called) and it turned out okay, but a little too stiff. I also made handkerchiefs for my mom and two sisters' dogs out of the fabric scraps but for some reason didn't take any pictures of them and they are now safely on their way to New York and California. They are reversible and oh so cute.

This bag only cost me $16 and three hours of my time. Not bad, considering usually I'd spend much more on a gift. 

I am procrastinating working on my documentary. I played around with it a little yesterday and was very uninspired, yet whenever I really get into it I end up being so happy and glad I did it and the hours literally fly by (yes, literally, not just figuratively). So why do I avoid something that I know will make my joyful? I secretly want to deprive myself of happiness, I guess. Anyway, I'm almost done with the trailer I've been putting together and will hopefully post it on here soon. My husband is also working on a website so when that's up and running I'll post a link for that as well. Okay, now off to work...

Wait.. one more quick update. I had to call in my temperatures and pulses to PPVI today for the thyroid study I'm in. The thing is, they say to call them if your pulse is over 90, which mine often is. I've never called because they never seem to think my quick pulse is a big deal, so I just wait until I'm scheduled to call. But now, my pulse has reached between 110 and 120 on several occasions. That can't be good! So now I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back with my next instructions. I'm really curious to see if they'll reduce the dose.

Okay, now off to work...

Everything in God's time

My family is officially on their way here and I can't wait for vacation! I will probably be posting while I'm there, since there is usually internet connection and I have an addiction to the internet. I'm really hoping that if I do ovulate this month that I do so after my husband arrives on Monday. He works weekends so he is joining us a bit late. Wouldn't that be funny if I ovulate for possibly the first time ever when we're not together? I'm not stressing about it because my new motto is 'everything in God's time'. I have truly realized that I want to be in sync with God. To be out of sync with Him is not a great choice for many reasons, not the least of which is that it kind of feels like you are trying to swim upstream. And I'm tired! So I'm letting go and going with the flow. I honestly can't wait to see where it takes me.

Last night was a big night for me because I have, unofficially, finished my documentary. Just a little background - more than two years ago I became an adorer at a perpetual adoration chapel. It was in the midst of a crisis of faith that I was experiencing, and I credit adoration with helping me out of that. Almost two years ago now, I began to ask God before the Blessed Sacrament what He wanted of me, if not to be a mother right away. I immediately began to feel a very specific call - to produce a documentary. This wasn't out of the realm of possibility; I have a journalism degree, worked as a reporter for years, and have always wanted to make documentaries. But because of my background, I knew exactly how expensive of an undertaking it would be. I shrugged this notion off for several months but kept asking God, "No, really.. what else do you want of me, other than that?" I think my initial hesitation was also due to the fact that I feared it wasn't really God speaking to me, and that it was my own brain suggesting that I make a movie. I had always wondered what it would be like if God "gave you a message," so to speak. Would you hear His voice? This was more of a strong feeling, that never went away, no matter how hard I resisted. Soon, I'd be in adoration and I'd close my eyes, only to see entire scenes of the documentary play in my mind. They'd come fast, too. By this time I realized I had all this material, so why not make it? I should also mention that during this time I got a strong feeling the documentary was to be about perpetual adoration. At one point I even tried to pray that I could do a movie on the pro-life community instead. But the message was clear - my first movie was to be about perpetual adoration.

So about a year and a half ago, in August of 2006, I tried to call God's bluff. I prayed that if He truly wanted me to make this movie, then He needed to provide me with the money. And I'd need a lot of it. I thought, that will put an end to this! Well, a couple days later I was telling my mom about the idea. She just listened, I probably didn't sound too serious about it, and that was that. But a couple days later I got a call from her, telling me that she mentioned my idea to my father and that he was willing to front me several thousand dollars to purchase equipment (I did not ask them for it whatsoever, so the offer came as a shock). I'd have to pay him back though, so my prayers changed to asking God for a way to pay back my father. Well, a couple days later I got a call from my old boss asking me to do some freelance reporting for his station. It worked out perfectly, so that I ended up paying every penny that came in from that part-time job to my father each month. A couple months went by and my husband and I were in the process of purchasing the equipment - camera, microphone, lights, apple computer, and professional editing software. As with shopping for anything, your initial estimates always end up being low. Suddenly we needed two thousand dollars more. So I prayed. Within a few weeks I received in the mail a check for two thousand dollars. It came from a woman who knew of my plan who wanted to help. I've never received money like that before, other than when my grandfather died, and coming from someone I didn't even know, that just blew me away.

There are countless other examples of these answered prayers, including that time we prayed for the financial means to travel to the Vatican to shoot video and the very next day received an offer for a free trip to, where else, Italy (I'm not even kidding). Or that time when we started praying for music that we desperately needed. There was no way we could afford to pay for the rights to music, so we'd need to get permission some way, some how. Low and behold, we wound up getting permission to use awesome music from a Catholic singer/songwriter who lived a block away from us where we use to live. He's won all kinds of awards and his songs are far and away more professional than I could have ever dreamed for (I'd link to his site, but I don't want anyone to know about this blog!). Anway, this movie couldn't have happened without music. See, God answers our prayers in ways that are even better than we could have ever hoped for! (Just a little reminder for those of us with infertility!)

So we purchased the equipment and got going. The process was sped up last summer when we found out we were moving. My husband and I shot nearly everything before we left, with the exception of an interview we shot when we went back up to visit at Christmas. Since moving, I started the editing process and after several months (and many weeks spent not working on it at all), I finally finished last night. There's still some tweaking I need to do, and I will probably be working on it for another month or so.

So what's it about? Well, it's about a perpetual adoration chapel in the city where we used to live. It tells the stories of a few of the more than 300 adorers who keep watch around the clock. Despite the fact that it is in a poor neighborhood and in a diocese that is continuously closing churches, this chapel draws adorers from around the area. They come for one hour or more each week to adore our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament. In this busy world, it is truly amazing to think that someone has been with our Lord in this chapel every single hour of every single day for (in this chapel's case) sixteen years. That is dedication, and quite an undertaking. As one adorer put it, what must those who aren't Catholic think? People coming all hours of the night - young, old, business people, you name it. Perhaps it makes some think that maybe, just maybe, something is truly there.

My goal in telling this story is to get the word out about adoration not only to those who aren't Catholic, but to Catholics as well. It's sad how many Catholics don't even know what the Real Presence is. If I can play some tiny part in educating some of them, then that's all I hope for.

Everyone's next question is always, "what do you plan to do with it?" Well, I'm not sure. I continue to pray that God will show me why He called me to make it (I still feel funny saying that. Trust me, I'm still not completely comfortable with the idea that God personally called me to do something. It's kind of like I don't think I'm good enough. But I have to remember that we are all called to do different things, we just don't always listen to Him. He just happened to hit me over the head with this). My highest goal, if it is God's will, is to have it aired on EWTN. I know they air independent projects at times, and I know they love the Blessed Sacrament, so perhaps they'll give my documentary a shot. Plus, they have a lot of time to fill, so why not?! I at least hope that I can get it into parish libraries as a teaching tool. We also plan on setting up a website for it, so perhaps we will distribute it that way as well.

Very soon I will post a trailer on this blog. I just have to finish putting it together. And I'll post the link when I set up the new website as well. Sorry if this story was long and boring, but it is all that I'm thinking about lately! And I didn't even write about how amazing I have felt lately while I've been finishing it! Speaking of resisting God's will, I definitely resisted Him in the past few months when it came to finishing the movie. But as soon as I sat down to do it, the rest of my life immediately fell into place. I was less depressed about infertility and much more hopeful. Not to mention that the editing process was one of the easiest things I've ever done in my life! Thanks be to God! As I write this I realize that if anything, God is probably hoping that I use this experience as assurance that He will protect me when it comes to infertility. I didn't trust Him initially with the movie idea but once I did, everything fell into place. So I will trust Him. I usually have good and bad days when it comes to this, but I feel like now I'm entering a phase in which my good days will outnumber the bad. And that's all I can ask for.