Permeating confidence

I think my positive attitude has taken over. It's not that I'm happy-go-lucky 24 hours a day or anything (just ask my husband about a certain muffin fiasco yesterday...let's just say he experienced my wrath when he didn't add the baking powder to the batter and wasted two batches of muffins. Yes, you read that right. He was making muffins for me and I yelled at him), but my confidence that I will conceive has permeated me. My default thought is that I will get pregnant. 

I can't describe how huge that is for me, but most of you can relate, I'm sure. I just decided that I shouldn't ask God for something when I doubt he will give it to me. If that's what I think, then why bother asking?

I'm not saying I don't expect hard times ahead. I was just saying yesterday to Lifehopes that I feel as if I will have some failed cycles in the near future. I don't know if it's theologically sound to say I think God wants to test me, but I do think he wants to see what I'm made of, or, at least, he wants me to see what I'm made of. I think he wants me to weather a few storms with my new positive attitude so I can learn how to stay hopeful as the darkness sets in, something I really haven't done yet.

I just know that a pregnancy is ahead of me, whether that means in a few weeks or a few years.

Sew Infertile, in one of her posts, compared her prayer life to yo-yo dieting and I couldn't agree more! As I type this, I worry that this surrendering to God and this confidence in him will not last much longer. I know myself, after all. But I can't think like that. It isn't all or nothing. I might fall off the wagon, but that doesn't mean I can't get right back on. 

And, speaking of diets, if I can be so completely on board with my diet, then why can't I apply that same will power to this? I DON'T yo-yo diet, so I won't yo-yo pray.

I have also stepped up my prayer life. Nothing huge, but I pray at the hour of divine mercy, 3 o'clock. I say the chaplet and some other prayers, including a novena. Then, before we go to bed, we pray more. We say some beautiful prayers I found in a little book I've had for several months, but never opened. I think sometimes we read things, or open things, at just the right time. 

I'm a strong believer in the concept that God likes us to meet him half way. Now, I know that God doesn't have to do that, he can - and does - do anything he wants, so there are always exceptions to that rule. But, for me, I have the most success, spiritually, when I put forth an effort. It makes sense, right? And sometimes I think I'm putting forth an effort, but I'm lying to myself. I'm like that little girl throwing a fit in her bedroom, sobbing and yelling through the door, "But MOM! I AM in a better moooood! I'm going to behaaaaave!" instead of just actually calming down. I think that's how I spent a great deal of my childhood.

This happened when I went through my conversion four and a half years ago. I felt like I was banging my head against the wall for the first year. I wanted so desperately to be at that next level, to fully believe in God and be a faithful Catholic, but it just wasn't clicking. I still had doubts, although I didn't want to have them. I prayed and prayed, and nothing. 

Looking back, clearly, anything but nothing was going on. So much was happening. But it wasn't until I stepped out of myself and really put forth an effort that I found myself where I wanted to be. I stopped going through the motions, and I started actually living out what I previously only said I did. I threw every part of myself into the act of believing, and while uncomfortable, it paid off. Before I knew it, I did believe with my whole heart. It kind of just happened. And not in a I-tricked-myself-into-believing sort of way. No, I now understood what people talked about when they said they knew God (something I resented before because I'd never experienced it). He was present in my life and I was aware of that for, really, the first time.

On one hand, you could say that I was just too lazy to do the actual work involved in the conversion God was clearly calling me to and that while I wanted it more than anything in the entire world, my humanness and sinfulness was keeping me from obtaining it. And that it wasn't until I got off my behind and met him half way, did things change. 

But on the other hand, you could also say that God used that time as part of my conversion. After all, is it a conversion if we don't have to do any of the work and don't have to improve ourselves? Is it as rewarding if he just carries us up the cliff, as opposed to us climbing it? 

I think I can apply that to my life now. On one hand, I can say that while a baby is now what I want more than anything else in the whole world, for the first four years I kind of dragged my heels and wanted it magically fixed for me. I was that little girl frantically crying, "God! Pleeeeaaaase! I'm suffering, I'm praying, I've learned everything you have wanted me to learn from this! I swear I have! I'm ready for you to bless me with a pregnancy!" I wasn't really trying, but I liked to tell him I was!

Now, I hope, I am beginning to be that calm girl who has collected herself and is politely waiting for her mother (or father, in this case) to come retrieve her from the room*.

On the other hand, I don't think I was ready until now and God knew I needed that entire experience. God wanted me to use these years to grow and I hope I have. The individual experiences, at the time, may have seemed useless, but they have all added up to be a priceless journey and one that I hope, one day, I will say I wouldn't trade for anything in the world (I'm not quite there yet). 

I don't pretend to know why this experience was necessary for me and not for someone else, but I do know that God knows us all individually and I trust that he knows what is best for us all. 

I know I still may have a long road ahead of me, but I am thankful for this time of trust, no matter how long it might last (I've heard coming down from the ovulation drugs can be especially hard, so I might need to re-read this in about two-and-a-half weeks!). It's been sort of like a break - from the constant worry, anger and frustration - and we can all use a break, right?

*Please know that I am not implying at all that infertility is a punishment. Rather, the way I've handled my suffering is, at times, as if I am throwing an outright fit.

God's grace

For most of my life, I knew I was going to have twin girls. I was sure of it. There was nothing you could have said to change my mind.

I'm honestly not sure where this started, whether I dreamed it as a child, felt it come to me while in prayer, or whether some weird spirit game we played in junior high "revealed" it to me (did you do this too, or was it just in my messed-up small town? Pretty scary, now that I think about it). All I know is that I've been sure of it since I was a child. I even had their names picked out.. several different times. If you knew me, you knew that I knew I would have twin girls. Yes, I was pretty vocal about it because, mainly, I constantly talked about being a mother. Go figure.

Anyways, this "feeling" has obviously dissipated since the onset of my infertility, to say the least. It actually now seems silly, naive, a reminder of the innocent me back when I believed first came se.x, then came babies. I resent that person. Twins? Two babies? It just seems so ridiculous.

Well, for some reason, my twin girls came to mind today. Not because I suddenly have some feeling I'm going to have twins, but because it occured to me, out of the blue, that maybe, just maybe, I can attempt to muster up that same sort of confidence again. After all, doesn't God want us to approach our faith like little children? Little, innocent children who think that they're going to have twin girls.

This feeling happens to come at a time when I am feeling a great sense of peace about infertility. Because I am what I would consider an infertility veteran at this point, I am well aware that this feeling could be gone tomorrow. You never know. But I've come to appreciate any moments of peace, understanding, joy, trust, or patience that God gives me.

I'm pretty tired so this might not make much sense, but lately I've had this feeling that the experience of infertility is actually a calling. Now, I know that this is a concept explored by many before. I, myself, have written about it. But the difference now is that the feeling isn't coming from my head, but rather from my heart. I'm not wishing I could feel this way, I actually do feel this way. I'm not sure how to explain it, other than to say that lately I have felt like infertility could actually be looked at as a positive thing; like that God has chosen me for it and is allowing me to experience this and feel this way. If I look at it from that perspective, I should feel blessed that I have been picked by God to experience something that requires me to drastically change my way of thinking. He knows better than me, of course, and through this time of loss I am forced to re-examine my life and follow Him much more closely. It's safe to say I'd be a very different person if not for infertility.

I also have begun to feel more and more like God's plan for me might actually be better than I could have imagined. Now, I'm sure I'll have many down times in the coming months when this concept might not sit as well with me (it's best to be realistic about these things). But for the time being, I choose to trust in Him.

I'd like to think this new sense of peace is a grace from God. I believe He is allowing me to see things differently and to have greater insight (honestly, I did recently pray for greater understanding. I forgot I prayed for that until right now. Funny how that happens!). For some reason, God decided to bless me in this way at this point in my journey. Why? I'm not sure. Just add it to the list of mysteries.

This is not to say that I'm suddenly fine with my barreness. Not at all. I still have moments of weakness when I feel jealousy, or question God. But the noticeable difference comes when I'm all alone. When I'm alone and I'm left to my own thoughts, that's when I would normally enter into despair. Instead, I now feel a sense of peace about it in those moments. I feel like I can wait. And I am starting to get the feeling that I should have more than hope - more like confidence - that I'll have a biological child, much like I use to think about having my twin girls. I'd like to think God is putting this on my heart because He is preparing me for a pregnancy, but I'm not going to assume. I'm going to take each day as it comes and try to please God as much as I can no matter what happens.

The big three

This new cycle is really kicking me in the butt. I am exhausted, and since I'm exhausted every day to begin with, I needed to italicize that to stress an increased level of exhaustion. I also doubled my dose of metformin yesterday, so hopefully 1000 mg might be enough to begin to actually alleviate my PCOS symptoms, like exhaustion. If that does happen, I don't know what I'll do with my new-found energy. Clean? Get more work done? Be able to stand up without nearly falling over each time? I'm getting excited already!

I would also like to take this moment to thank God that my endometriosis pain is gone. If it wasn't for my surgery, at this very moment I'd likely be downing ad.vil and holding a heating pad to my abdomen. I'm very blessed that I can complain about just being tired. How quickly I forget!

So lately I'm trying to work on the big three - trust, patience and hope. I'm praying about it, asking God for help, and trying to put each into action. When it comes to trust, I am trying to take cues from other areas of my life where I have a great deal of trust, like when it comes to our finances, my documentary, or, more recently, my husband's surgery. I have placed each of these in God's hands and I have no trouble leaving them there. But sometimes I wonder, perhaps that's possible because none of them are too serious, none are the equivalent of not being able to get pregnant. If my documentary doesn't make it, I'll be perfectly fine. If we were to have money trouble then we'd just cut back, and if something really serious happened financially, I have no fear that we'd end up homeless. There are always jobs and there are always family members who can help out. And if something bad did happen to my husband, well, I think I would most definitely struggle with trust. So I guess the real issue is trusting when things look bleak. I need to trust not that I'll be pregnant, but that I'll be okay if I'm not.

When it comes to patience, I have no choice. Well, I guess I could lament each day for the next four to nine months if I really wanted to. But since I know that I can't even hope to conceive before then (since the met needs to kick in), I will take this time to learn how to wait patiently. That means trying my best to not complain as I suffer. We'll see how that goes. Patience for me also means not over-analyzing every ache and pain I have, as well as not coming up with tons of philosophical and theological questions concerning infertility. I need to just relax, let go and act in a way that I know would please God.

And as for hope, I think it's contigent upon the other two. If I don't have trust or patience, I definitely won't have hope. I think what I really need to explore, though, is what I'm hoping for. I can't realistically hope for a pregnancy. I could, but I'd feel like I was lying to myself and the negative me would always follow up an ounce of hope with a big dose of "but it is very possible I won't ever get pregnant!" That's the cycle I've been in for nearly four years now. I think what I need to hope for is that one day I'll have joy. That can also be a tough pill to swallow ("but how can I possibly have joy if I'm infertile?"), but that just brings us back to trust.

For now, I just need to concentrate on riding this out and taking what comes my way. I need to cry when I feel like crying, but never feel like all hope is lost. When I have lost it in recent weeks, I have really lost it. Lately when I'm down, I feel like my life is a huge waste of time and God has just completely given up on me. I just hope the next time that happens that I can try to remember that God has not forsaken me and if I trust, the suffering will be easier to bear. I don't know if there's an easy fix for this, or if I just keep trying, failing, and trying again if it will start to sink in. God, please help me to heal spiritually and emotionally (and physically of course, if that's your will)!

Patience and trust

So I made it to NY, and the drive wasn't too bad. Sophie did AMAZING, as always. At times I forget she is even with me, she is so good. I already miss my husband. I'll be making some money this weekend, though, so it's worth it. Plus I will be able to attend my grandparents' 60th anniversary party on Sunday, which I normally wouldn't have been around for (that sounds really bad, doesn't it? A paycheck will bring me here, but not their anniversary). Plus, it will be nice to see family and friends I haven't seen since my weight loss. That's always fun!

On the infertility front, I've been feeling lately like I really, really need to be patient. A little voice in my head is telling me to calm down, to ride it out, to go with the flow. Just hang in there and live day-to-day. Don't think about how long it may take, and definitely don't dwell on the thought that it may never happen.

I know the lives of the saints weren't all wonderful and easy, but the way many of them lived with just an abundance of pure trust in the Lord, it just seems so relaxing! If you TRULY trust the Lord, then there is no need to worry. They lived their lives one day at a time, thankful for the day God gave them, and happy to do good in his honor. They didn't waste time thinking about what he didn't give them, or what may not happen in the future. And why? Because they knew that God's plan was best. They weren't kind of sure. No, it was a fact. They TRUSTED. Purely and honestly. I don't think I've ever come close.

So how do I do it? I don't know. I could try the old "act like you trust and eventually you will trust" tactic; that's worked for me before. I could continue to pray about it, really pray about it. I could also put forth a full-blown effort to trust, which would mean rejecting all thoughts that would keep me from trusting, like jealousy of pregnant women, feeling sorry for myself, worrying it may never happen, everything. I also think that once you trust 100%, those feelings just go away. If you trust that the Lord's plan for you is best, than why on earth would you feel bad that you haven't gotten pregnant yet?

One thing is for sure - whether it's trust, patience, belief, or whatever, it doesn't come easy. Wanting it is not enough; I have found that we have to meet God half way. We have to put forth an effort, we have to show him we're serious. I don't know if that theory is theologically sound, but it's what I've found to be true from my experience. We also have to really want it. I'm not sure I do. Right now it's just easier to feel pain when I hear someone else is pregnant. It's what I know. I don't know if I'll ever be able to break that habit.

Well, if anyone has any suggestions, let me know. I don't want to continue on like this (depressed, angry, anxious). I want to change. It's just that I've been trying for almost four years and I haven't had much luck yet, but then again, maybe I haven't really tried.

The water park and depression (not at the same time)

I am exhausted. We went to the water park today and it was a lot of fun, except I got sick in the wave pool. Well, I didn't actually throw up in the wave pool, that would have been gross, but I felt very sick from all the waves and bobbing up and down, and had to get the heck outta there. And I totally didn't expect it at all. At first, though, I was out there without a life jacket on and I couldn't believe how hard it was! I was treading water trying to stay afloat as the waves were crashing into me, I was swallowing water and I was getting so tired! Oh my goodness. I later joked with my husband that my arms were so tired that I was very close to just giving up and going under. He's like, imagine me having to tell everyone my wife lost her will to live in the wave pool! Of course I was totally kidding, but I do now know that if I was somehow stranded in the middle of the ocean I wouldn't survive. I don't nearly have enough strength and/or stamina. This didn't really come as a surprise to me, but now it's confirmed.

In other news, I've been kinda depressed lately. This past weekend was bad. I don't know what else to say about it, other than I felt like crying a lot and was just really down. Church was hard. Basically anywhere women and children were was hard, and that's basically everywhere. I don't know if it will ever get any easier, but I just have to hold onto the hope that it will. Right now I'm not interested in adoption and I think that's making it even harder because that means if I can't get pregnant I will never have kids. But at the same time, I hate the idea of adoption being "Plan B" anyways. It deserves better than that.

As for why I'm not into adoption right now, I'm not sure. It's several reasons, I guess. I just don't feel led to it at all at the moment. (And let me also just say that if I give any of my reasons, please know that this isn't an indictment on others who have adopted. They are just things that have come up as I struggle with whether to adopt and definitely not things I think about other adoptive families, just when it comes to my husband and I. I'm trying to sort it all out.) That being said, I also sometimes feel like if I adopt, it will be for selfish reasons and not because it's best for the baby. Is that weird? If I don't adopt, it's not like the baby we would have gotten will be without a family. I guess the only way to avoid that would be to adopt an older child in foster care or in an orphanage through international adoption. But that doesn't seem right for us either. I'm also worried that my adopted child will grow up to have an identity crisis and resent me. I know, that's thinking way ahead. I don't know! I'm so confused! The bottom line is I don't feel like it's an option for us at the moment and that is making not getting pregnant even harder.

Ugh! I'm so frustrated, and I'm scared that this medication isn't going to work. REALLY scared. I know I need to relax. I need to be patient. I need to trust God. It's just so much easier said than done.

Alright I'm SUPER tired so I'm rambling. My brain is fried from all the sun and water.

Miracle healings

This morning while flipping through the t.v. channels I came across the 700 Club. I don't know that I've ever watched an entire episode of this, but I've kept it on for a few minutes at least. This time there was a story about a woman very ill with and possibly dying from a bile duct problem who was lying on her couch, watching the 700 Club, when Gordon Robertson began to pray for a woman with a bile duct problem. It was as if he was praying just for her and it turned out, so they believe, he was. He told the woman to go and get tested again because God had healed her, and, sure enough, this woman went and got tested and had no bile duct problem, no tumors, no mass on her lung. Everything that had been killing her was gone. Even her doctor credited the Lord with working a miracle.

I believe in miracles. It's the next part that troubled me a bit.

So they cut to the live audience and began praying for healing miracles. Robertson turned to six individuals, who I believe were all pastors, who were live via satellite. They each, in turn, listed off dire-sounding situations of people in need of healing and they were very specific. God is unkinking a bowel of a woman with diverticulitis. A man who woke this morning with sinus problems is being healed. Patsy has some doubt as she watches this program but God is calling her to a more personal relationship with him. They even went to audience members to hear what they saw, and we can't leave out the scrolling text on the bottom of the screen from viewers at home, listing off various healings of strangers God told them about.

I have to admit, I placed my hand on my "affected area" when Robertson told me to and anxiously awaited to hear "a woman dealing with infertility, a problem with her ovaries, God is touching you right now and healing you. Go take a pregnancy test right now because you are, in fact, pregnant."

Let me say that I am not making fun of these people. I, too, am a Christian and I wholeheartedly believe in God's healing power. He can perform miracles and does each day. And while the segment did have an eery psychic quality about it, that's not even what I was compelled to post about. No, it's the question of who God chooses to heal that struck me. I kind of got the feeling from the show that if you pray hard enough, believe hard enough, and concentrate hard enough, God will physically heal you. To me, that means if you don't receive a physical healing it must be because you aren't praying hard enough, believing hard enough or concentrating hard enough. That would mean I am doing something wrong.

Is the lack of healing a punishment? If I believe a healing is a gift, a grace, a blessing, then isn't the absence of a healing evidence that God chose not to bless me? Is he purposely not giving me a gift (I kind of picture a big party in which God is slowly and dramatically handing out gifts, only he comes to me and none are left)? And is it because I am doing something wrong?

The answer to those questions, of course, is no. The lack of a healing is not punishment and does not mean he is holding back a gift from me. And I don't believe my lack of a pregnancy has anything to do with past transgressions or current deficiencies in my faith. But why?

We know that God is love and God loves us. He's not up there pointing to those he wants to heal, holding it over us, laughing from above at his manipulation (that actually conjures up images of Satan, doesn't it?). God does allow healing for some, but I don't believe it's because of anything we have done (keeping with the "gift" and "party" theme, I actually like to picture a birthday party for someone other than myself. The fact that they get presents doesn't mean no one loves me. It's just not my birthday). None of us are really worthy of his miracles.

I always go back to my belief that our lives are planned perfectly - that I may view my nearly four year wait for a child as a horrible affliction sent from the devil, while God views it as simply part of my path. This wait could just be part of his plan for me because my baby isn't supposed to be born until I'm 32, or until we live in a certain state, or until my husband takes a certain job he's meant to take. It could be part of a grand design so that I meet certain people I may otherwise not meet, so that I help someone else dealing with infertility I otherwise would not be in a position to help, or so that we can adopt, something that, let's be honest, we probably would never do if I was able to pop out a ton or biological kids. Or how about the fact that I may not have drawn closer to him if not for this struggle? Or, to look at it another way, it may not even be his intention that I suffer at all. It's possible that it is my actually my choice to suffer, brought about by my ego, impatience, pride, jealousy, all those bad things that are not of God. Aren't those all the reasons we suffer in the first place? If it wasn't for my earthly desires and humaness, I'm not sure I would be mourning the lack of biological children at all.

I don't mean to take away from your suffering. It is real and painful and good can come from it. But if we begin to view our suffering differently, it might get easier to bear. (I should also point out that am not considering other types of suffering as I ponder this. I am just taking into account my own experience with suffering through infertilty).

While I know God works wonders and is rightly praised for that, I worry how an emphasis placed on healings will affect those who will never get their miracle. I think this leads back to a question of when it is appropriate to praise God. As a Christian community, we really only praise him for the positive - healings, pregnancies, health, new jobs. But aren't we supposed to praise him in bad times to? When we fail to do this we discredit those who God hasn't chosen to heal (I know you're all familiar with the Casting Crown's song, Praise You in This Storm, but I wanted to link to the lyrics again because they are just so poignant).

It may go against everything we are conditioned to believe as humans, but I think the lack of a healing is a gift from God. He loves us and we need to trust him that this is the best possible thing for us right now. That being said, I also haven't counted out a healing for myself as well, but only he knows if and when that will happen. But if, while in prayer, you happen to see a very specific image of a brown-haired woman, who looks a lot like my picture, with ovary problems and PCOS getting a healing from God, please let me know.

Changing slowly

Tonight I was asked how infertility has affected my relationship with God, and it got me thinking about some of the hard questions I have asked throughout the last three-plus years, and how my receptiveness to possible answers to those questions has slowly changed. For example, I have many memories of lying in bed at night just so sad and desperately wanting to "talk about it." That's my husband's worst nightmare, I'm sure (remember, these were the days before I knew what a blog was and you, my dear reader, could listen to me vent). So he had to just lie there and listen to me babble on and on, asking deep, dark questions like, 'why would a loving God cause me to suffer in this way and not bless us with children, which are the very reason a man and woman join together before God as husband and wife in the first place?' He would offer very nice advice ("because his plan for you hasn't yet been revealed") and then listen as I flatly refuted it. The one argument I kept coming back to was this: Bad things happen to very holy people and there is a chance that no matter how faithful I am, I could die with no children. Then the conversation would turn to whether my reward would be in heaven and that was just too much to take in at the time. It just wasn't consolation to think that I would be rewarded in the next life. Not at age 29.

Luckily for both him and me, that has changed. We never have those late night infertility depression talks (thanks internet!) and I have to believe that even if we did, they would go very differently. The reason I know this is because I find myself giving others the very advice my husband once gave me. And I believe it! That's what happened tonight. As I was emailing someone I realized that I had, at some point, begun believing what my husband always tried to tell me. Maybe it is self-preservation, maybe I have just been worn down. I tend to believe, though, that this transformation has taken place through prayer. I have cried out to God so often to help me, hoping that help would come down like a lightning bolt and when it didn't, I wondered if he'd heard me at all. It wasn't until long after (we're talking years) that I realized I received the help I was asking for. It took a while, but I have slowly come to accept the answers to some of the very tough questions I use to ask. Like...

Question: Why does God want me to suffer like this?
Old Answer: Who knows! It makes no sense. Everyone else can get pregnant and I can't. Can he not hear me? Does he not love me?
New Answer: He doesn't want me to suffer but he allows it for several reasons, such as a) to purify my soul, b) so I can share in the sufferings of his son, c) because the suffering may only be temporary and I am just being very impatient.

Question: What if the suffering is not temporary and I never have children?
Old Answer: I will live a horrible existence, my life will be wasted and maybe, if I am lucky, I will receive my reward in heaven, whatever that means.
New Answer: If I am to never have children (biologically), then I will join millions of other couples who will also never have biological children. I am not alone and God did not single me out to hurt me. That being said, being childless never has to be the end result because we can always adopt. If, for some reason, God puts it on our hearts to not adopt, then there must be a really good reason for that and that would be something we would decide together and have to be completely okay with.

Question: What if I am never okay with not having biological children and I am miserable for the rest of my life?
Old Answer: I don't know! I guess I will just cry every day and no one will want to be around me, ever. And I will be a horrible adoptive parent because my child will always know that I am depressed and God forbid he or she finds out it's because I couldn't get pregnant.
New Answer: That misery will subside as I draw nearer to God. That might be hard to understand at first, but it will happen. This was a sticking point for me just a couple years ago, as I refused to believe the sting of infertility would ever go away. In fact, I thought it would only increase with time. I have found that while it is still painful, I have come to the realization that misery does not please God and to love him is to want to please him. Plus, if what people say is true, that misery becomes a distant memory when your adopted baby is put in your arms.

I remember one night, my poor husband was trying to read a book with me about suffering. We had ordered it online and our hopes were high that it might offer me some help. We got to a chapter about the need to find something that brings you joy in life (like an activity, such as gardening or playing the piano) and I could go no further. I literally sobbed and sobbed because I could not think of one thing in the world that brought me joy, which just depressed me even more. My husband tried his best to list off some possibilities and I just knocked them all down. And at the time, I was being honest. Nothing brought me joy. I was depressed. But I am so blessed today to be able to look back on that and say I have discovered several things that bring me joy. I truly believe God has answered my prayers and transformed me so that I am able to experience joy in the midst of suffering. That's what it is all about - living with this. It was the theme of all of my tough questions. I was afraid of how much it would hurt to live with this pain and what that meant for my relationship with and image of God. I am not on the other side of this by any means, but I really feel like I have grown so much. With God's help, I have learned that suffering is manageable and things can get better. Believe me, I still hope things get much better for me. The difference is that I now believe they will.

Some updates

I usually don't go this long between posts because I tend to have a lot of free time to write on this blog (which, I'm sure, makes for very exciting blog posts!), but we visited my in-laws for a couple days for a belated Mother's Day visit. Now we're back and I can get you all up to date on the minutia of my life.

First off, this cycle is oddly mimicking a "normal" cycle. It's cycle day 19 today and other than the fact that I went straight from red stickers to white stickers (due to a couple days of spotting), I had seven days of mucus (days eight through 14), then three dry days. On the first dry day my morning temp spiked (I don't normally use temps, but I'm required to keep track of them for my thyroid medication). It's been elevated ever since. Yesterday I had yellow mucus one time (which I had a couple times last cycle during the luteal phase. Anyone know what that may mean?) and so far none today. So for the first time in a long time, I may actually get to use a green sticker today! (I'm keeping my fingers crossed)

I have to assume that if my cycle is beginning to do the things that a healthy person's cycle should do, then I might be getting healthier. Makes sense, right? I know my prolactin is normal (which, I realized today, makes me so darn blessed. A lot of people don't respond to medication and some even have to have surgery on a tumor in their pituitary) and I know I am eating right, although I'm not sure if it is too early on in the diet for it to have a positive effect on my hormones. 

Secondly, and speaking of the diet, I have lost eight pounds! Granted, my scale was kind of broken when I started. But I weighed myself on my in-laws scale yesterday and my mother-in-law says her scale is exactly right. She says she weighs the same on it as she does on her doctor's scale. If we are to assume her doctor's scale is 100% right and my doctor's scale was 100% right, then that also confirms that I have lost eight pounds. I'm going with it. And it also means my goal of losing fifteen pounds by June 17 is looking like a real possibility. 

I will reiterate that I love this diet. We love the food we eat, I don't crave any foods (other than fruit sometimes), and I don't lament over all the fried food I can't have. It's like my taste buds have changed. And fitting in smaller sized clothes goes a long way towards keeping you on track, that's for sure. It's like I can't get dressed for the day without trying on all my "skinny" jeans/capris/skirts just for a quick check at my progress and today I noticed my shirts are even getting looser on me. 

Thirdly, my attitude continues to remain positive. I constantly marvel at God's goodness, because it's like I'm not use to this new me. I can play with babies, hear about pregnancies, see children at Mass, and experience Mother's Day without a twinge of jealousy and it surprises me each and every time! The other day someone said something to me that you shouldn't say to an infertile woman (imagine whatever comment you'd like). The old me would have been hurt and the words would have cut me like a knife. The old me would have been sent into a depression lasting at least a few days. But the new me didn't care. I realized at that moment that I no longer can expect everyone around me to be constantly thinking of my feelings. That would be considerate on their part, but to expect it would be egotistical on mine. They're not in my world and I can't assume my feelings are always on the top of their mind. They aren't required to put every comment through the filter of infertility. Plus, I'm glad they aren't in my world and I sure as heck don't want them to know what this can feel like. I wouldn't want anyone to. I'd rather they live a carefree life without having to think about themselves or others being childless. To drag others into my world would be selfish. So the comment didn't hurt me because the person had no intention of hurting me. It's my decision whether or not to be hurt by something, and I don't want to choose that ever again. It's just such a 180 from where I was. And for that I thank God.

Wanting for nothing

So it's cycle day 13, and I have now had five days of peak-type mucus. Yesterday it was definitely the most peakish yet (and, yes, that is a word. I googled it). I know, day 12 is kind of early for that, but who knows. A couple of other interesting facts to point out - once again this cycle went straight from red stickers to white stickers (or, for those not familiar with Creighton, peak-type mucus immediately followed my period). And, last night I had some pretty bad abdominal pain. I'm not sure what that's all about, but I was thinking maybe my ovaries are actually gonna spit out an egg. I heard that can hurt. And maybe even more so when they haven't done it in, like, a decade?

I have no idea if I will ovulate so soon (and by 'so soon' I don't mean cycle day 12, but rather before any new medication is introduced in the months ahead), but anything is possible with God!

Speaking of that, I came across a Scripture passage that use to trouble me. Because I was not in a good place, I saw it is a quick fix, and when that did not work, I grew angry with God. Here it is:

"Truly I tell you, if you say to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea,' and if you do not doubt in your heart, but believe that what you say will come to pass, it will be done for you. So I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." (Mark 11:23-24)

I believe my faith has evolved due to infertility (it should be constantly evolving) and I look at this passage very differently now. First of all, it use to excite me as an opportunity for.. what, I'm not sure. Maybe voodoo? Some magical fix? I always thought something like, 'Yes! This is where it gets fun. This is what I've been wading through all that boring Scripture for! The heck with all those life lessons and stuff about loving and trusting God. I want that thing I've been asking you for.. now!' Then it angered me because well, we all know mountains have never been thrown into the sea (not counting earthquakes, I guess). And I did have doubt in my heart and I definitely did not fully believe that what I asked for would come to pass. I was testing God on this whole answered prayer thing. I wanted it now and grew very impatient, even angry, with him when it didn't happen immediately.

Years later I realized, though, that having faith means believing it will come to pass even when God doesn't allow you to be pregnant that very month, and holding on to that belief. It's about changing your heart to truly trust him and love him. It's not a quick-fix, but, it may be. It all depends on his time. That passage doesn't talk about how quickly the mountain will be moved.

This is a touchy subject, because I know that for some, pregnancy will never be in their future. And that isn't a testament to how good they are at praying, or how faithful they are. But I believe those women, if they truly trust in the Lord, would say years later that God has taken care of them and he may even have revealed to them why biological children weren't part of their plan. For now, I am choosing to follow this passage, and will continue to ask, believing that I have received it.

While I'm at it, there's another Scripture that has been popping into my head a lot lately - Psalm 23.

The LORD is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack.

I spent every day for three-and-a-half years lamenting over what I was lacking. My life revolved around the lack of something. Every breath I took was without something I wanted. Let me just say, that type of thinking is draining. Only recently has my life inverted; it's no longer about what I'm lacking, but about what I have. In the past few weeks, I have been constantly reminded that I want for nothing, because "the Lord is my shepherd." Yes, children are blessings, but the lack of those blessings is not despair because the Lord is with us(thank God!). If we turn everything over to him, he will fill the empty hole in our heart.

This transformation wasn't easy. I rejected the thought at first, then gradually came to know it was true but continued to fight it because it was too uncomfortable ('He can't possibly be enough!'). Then I realized how ungrateful I must seem. Without even trying to remember that short passage, I started to realize it was popping into my head at random times. It was as if God was asking me, "am I enough?" How could I say no?

I also think the second Scripture passage ties into the first because perhaps in order to truly ask for something and have faith it will be answered, you first have to not want it, or at least not want it more than God. I wanted a pregnancy more than I thought I needed God. Why would he give me something that I wanted more than him? I have everything I could ever need in him (even if I still don't remember that all the time. I am only human, after all). Only after I realized that could I even begin to ask for something else.

I am just so thankful that God took pity on me. He may have had to bang me over the head to realize this, but it's better late than never.

Results

My new doctor called me today (himself) with the results of my blood work and it was good news! He said everything was normal, I'm not anemic, nothing is out of the ordinary. My thyroid is normal. And my prolactin is normal! So the medication has worked. He also said the blood work shows I definitely have PCOS. It was funny because my reaction to that news was one of excitement. Then I wondered, is that an odd reaction? But just as I had that thought, the doctor commented that it is definitely good news (which, by the way, is because it is treatable).

So needless to say, the call made me very happy. I have so much hope and I am still feeling so peaceful (thank God!). I know things can change and hormones can fluctuate, but it's been two weeks now since I've felt better and that's roughly half a cycle. So I'm hoping this new found peace and ability to trust has more to do with God and less to do with hormones. I've never felt this good this long, and I believe it's because I wholeheartedly gave it over to him. I should have done this sooner!

Unexpected peace

I really have to thank God for today. He provided me with a great sense of peace, despite bad news of much more waiting ahead of me.

I became very worried on Sunday because I felt as if I would soon be getting my period and that didn't exactly fit into my timetable. As part of an ultrasound series I would be having done this month, I needed a baseline done on cycle day five. I had hoped this would fall on one of my husband's days off, and it appeared now that it would not. So I had a lot of anxiety over the thought of driving six hours up and six hours home, in one day, all by myself.

So today I decided to call the doctor's office just to touch base with them and let them know I'd be calling to set up an appointment once I started my new cycle. When I called I got a message that said they were on the other line, but it went on to say that the office would be closed May 9 through 13! I immediately flipped out because there's a very good chance at least some of my ultrasounds would need to be done during that time period. I cried, I moped, I asked "why me?" It only reinforced my belief that there is some giant cosmic master plan to make my treatment move at a snail's pace. I told my husband, "You cannot deny that everything that can go wrong, does!" And he could not.

So a little while later I called back and spoke with someone. It turns out they are not only closed in May but then again in mid June when the doctor attends a NaPro conference in Rome, and then again for a couple weeks in July. So it appears that unless I get my period today or tomorrow and then have an ovulatory event before May 9 - or if my cycle days five, ten, 11, 12, 13, 14 and so on happen to fit in perfectly with the days the office is open in the following months - I will not be having an ultrasound series done until August at the earliest (the secretary didn't get as far as August, so the office could be closed then too).

This was very bad news, the kind of news that normally would send me into a deep depression lasting several days. But after getting off the phone, I felt a real peace come over me. I'm okay with this. I trust that God's plan is the right plan for me and that His timetable is the right timetable. I'm not sure why I trust this, but I do. (And I don't take any credit for this, by the way. If I ever feel peace, it is entirely a grace. I did nothing to deserve this other than to pray for it. I didn't read up on how to feel it or make some big concerted effort to will its happening. This was totally God.)

There is a chance it could work out that I will have the series done in the next couple weeks. As I said before, if I get my period before Thursday, I might be able to fit it in (but that is also assuming I have an ovulatory event around day 14, which may happen to a normal person but definitely isn't the way I work). I actually started to think this afternoon that I had so gotten use to the idea of not having it done, that I was starting to hope I don't get my period any time soon (what a quick transformation!).

I also plan on calling PPVI tomorrow and asking if there are any other doctors on the East Coast who can do the series. They told me last summer there weren't, but I didn't press them on it at the time. Maybe if I explain the situation there will be a less-than-perfect-but-still-viable option.

So my post-surgery phase of my treatment is moving slowly. I have kept it, as always, in my prayers and yet it still moves very, very slowly. This can only mean that God intends this pace. So I am thankful for my trust today and I hope I can keep it up. Isn't it sad how, when left to my own devices, I can't trust Him on my own? The only time I feel peace or have trust is when I am given it as a grace. I need to work on doing it on my own as well.

I will continue my novena to St. Gianna tonight. I read somewhere last night that the novena actually began a couple days ago, I guess because they want to end before her feast day. Oh well. My last night will be on her feast day and that will be fine. I'm sure she doesn't mind!

My messed up cycle

I have a cold and sore throat again today. I also have lower abdominal cramping. Yesterday it was pretty painful at one point. What the heck is that all about? I have no idea what it is, especially now that the endometriosis is gone. And it's on both sides, so I doubt it has something to do with one ovary, like a cyst or something. I also had peak-type mucus yesterday, which complicates things. It's cd 25 today, so I had mucus on day 24. CD 24! Who knows, I might even have some today! But what worries me is I'm supposed to get my bloodwork done (if I can find a lab) on peak +7. So the seven days starts today (unless I have more mucus). My cycle might not even last that long. At first I was worried because I thought this would mess up my blood test, but then I realized I shouldn't worry because if something is wrong, hopefully the bloodwork will show it.

So I definitely didn't ovulate like normal this cycle, and I probably didn't ovulate at all. I can't wait to find out what is actually wrong.

I think I am really starting to get somewhere with my trust issues. I have felt more relaxed about it the last couple days. One thing I think I have going for me is that I've never really thought there was a chance I'd get pregnant each month. It's not a lack of hope in a bad way, I know everything is possible with God, but I tend to look at my situation more long-term. It's in God's hands, and I just have a feeling that his time is not in the near future. But if it is, then great! Maybe this is a bad thing, but I really don't think so. I think not stressing over each month is good. It's hard to explain. After so many years of this it's natural that you stop thinking this will be the month. Something is very wrong healthwise and hopefully we'll work on fixing it next cycle, or the next. I'm sure one day (hopefully soon) I will think there's a chance I could get pregnant each month.

Sorry if this is confusing. The important thing is that I'm not upset by this right now. That could change tomorrow, but today I'm okay. I'm also trying to focus on being happy with my life in the present. Thanks to infertility, I live my life waiting. I usually feel like the present time isn't worthwhile, that it is just a time that I must live through until I find out if I'll ever have biological children. I'm constantly thinking about the future. If I live that way I'll miss out on many years of my life and I'm quite sure it's not pleasing to God.

Trying to trust

I decided not to take an ovulation test today. It just makes me too crazy. I really, truly want to relax about all of this. It's getting to the point where I'm tired of being sad, angry, and worried all of the time. I've been praying for God to help me to accept His will, whatever outcome it may be. I've also been praying for Him to put adoption on my heart, if that is His will. I hope I can get to a point where I can be optimistic, hopeful, but most importantly where I can trust God. The main thing I need to remember is I will have answers, in God's time. One day, whether that day is a month from now or a year from now, I will know what is medically preventing me from conceiving. That problem - or problems - will either be fixable or they won't be fixable. We may try to fix them and then find out the treatments don't work. Or, it may come to a point where doctors say they cannot determine what is wrong. That is a possibility. I may adopt while the medical treatment is going on, or I may adopt once it is all over. Or I may get pregnant.

I'm not feeling too well today. I woke up with a sore throat and I still feel exhausted from the medication, like I'm a lead weight. Maybe it's not the medication and I'm just getting sick! I also have abdominal cramping though. I'm not sure what that is about, because it appears that I'm still not ovulating. I wonder if you get cramps when your follicle doesn't rupture.

The only thing I've done today, other than go to church, is bake (and watch t.v. of course). Here's a picture of banana chocolate chip bread I made today. I thought it looked pretty. I wish you could smell it!

Positive ovulation test

It's day 19 and I just got my first positive ovulation test for this cycle. So that's not ideal, since it's not the "perfect" day 14, but it's also not bad. I'm not worried. I'd be worried if I didn't get a positive test at all! I also woke up with cramps, but I'm not sure if that has to do with ovulation because it was on both sides. It might be due to my medication, which is still making me super drowsy.

Last night I was feeling frustrated so I talked to my husband about it and realized my problem isn't with turning this over to God. I've already done that. My problem is with putting my trust in God. I know I've turned it over to His will because that's part of the reason I'm so frustrated. This problem has no solution that I can achieve on my own. Sure, I can go to PPVI, I can take medications, have surgery and do all of those things (although I believe God has lead me to do all of that). But ultimately, it is up to God whether I conceive. It is up to Him whether all of those things I'm doing work. I know this and it has caused me to feel completely out of control. I know.. this is God we're talking about. It's not like I'm putting my fate in strangers' hands who don't have my best interest in mind. But still, it's difficult to wait every day knowing that it might not be in my best interest to ever get pregnant.

Anyways, I am completely aware that this is up to God and I am under no illusion that this is up to me, fate, karma, mother nature, the universe or anyone else. So... the problem lies in me trusting Him. I will either get pregnant or I won't, and He will decide which it is. I'm scared to death that His will is that I won't get pregnant. I know I've said this before, but I can't possibly wrap my mind around the possibility of being okay with never having biological children. Right now I feel like I will always be broken-hearted about it and I don't trust Him that He will protect me and bring me joy any other way. I think I know more than God about this, I guess. I think I know myself better, I know I will never be able to have joy, I know I will fight it, I know I will have a horrible life. This is obviously not the right way to think, and God obviously knows way more than me, but I'm not sure how to change it. I've tried just pretending to believe it, but that hasn't worked so far. I probably haven't tried hard enough.

My husband said I spend too much time thinking and worrying about all the possible outcomes. He's probably right, but as I told him, I can't not think about them. It doesn't take too much thought to come to the conclusion that I will either a)get pregnant soon, b)get pregnant years from now, c)adopt, or d) never have children. It's not like it took me months to come up with that. But he's right that I spend too much time worrying about which one it will be. It's just so hard! I feel like I'm on a game show and there are four doors in front of me, with each of those four outcomes behind a door. Which door will it be? Well, unfortunately I have to wait not just through the commercial break to find out, but indefinitely. I just have to sit there and wait. It could be a month until I find out my fate, or it could be ten years. I think that's one of the hardest parts.

Perhaps the most useful thing my husband told me last night has to do with suffering. He said I need to rejoice each day in what God has done for me, including (perhaps most importantly) that He has allowed me to share in the suffering of His son. He also said I need to ask God every single day "what next?" Like each day I need to be open to doing whatever God wants of me, like volunteering for His next instructions. So I'll try to do that. Rejoicing in suffering might seem like an odd concept to someone who has never heard it before, but I've prayed and read a fair amount about suffering since all this began and I understand the concept and definitely see the value in it. I guess I'm just not practicing what I preach.

So I've decided I need to focus on what I can hope for and accomplish in the next few months. I will focus on discovering as much information about my fertility health as possible. I need to find out what else is wrong, what my current hormone levels are, if I'm ovulating, if my new medication works. That information is attainable (hopefully) and is a great thing to put my effort into. My focus shouldn't be on getting pregnant. So I feel good about that.