Hanging in there

I am really trying to be good. The old me would be depressed right now, but the new, positive me is just going with the flow. I am trusting in the Lord and I am trying to see the big picture. This isn't a month-by-month thing, as much as it seems like it is to us. God is going to give us a baby, we just need to trust him and look to the future.

I am doing well, though. I do feel the inclination to be sad about our possibly missed opportunity this cycle, but it's kind of just like a bad habit, if you know what I mean. I am used to being sad about these things, so my mind easily falls into that mode of thinking. My mind wants to go there, and it tries to, but I'm finding that my heart just isn't sad, so I don't give into it. The few times I have complained (one of those was to my husband late last night when he had to get up early to leave for his inauguration trip...sorry!), I thought I wanted to cry and moan about it, but I didn't really need to, which surprised me.

These are all good signs, and I am thankful to God that he is helping me to stay positive. It is truly an answer to prayer.

I am probably also overreacting a little bit, because it's not going to be a total waste (unless I see more mucus today, which I haven't yet, thankfully). If yesterday was my peak day, then we made use of that day and the several days leading up to it.

I also feel fine, so far, about being alone. I usually get lonely very easily, but I'm just going to relax and do fun things to lift my spirits - like getting Chinese food tonight (making my own Bas.mati rice, of course!) and I'm already planning to get my favorite sugar-free sundae on Tuesday, the dreaded inauguration day. I told Ryan that I am treating that day like day one of my cycle, and already planning how I will drown my sorrows!

Seriously, though, I am in awe that God has provided me with this positive attitude and that it is still sticking around, despite recent developments that would have had me wallowing in sadness even just one month ago. I even pictured a positive pregnancy test during the consecration this morning, and really tried to focus on it. I am really trying to make it become something that I can truly imagine for myself. It may not be this month, but it will happen one day. And, thankfully, I have an opportunity to revamp my attitude in the meantime.

Update: Why is it that every time I post lately, things change about twenty minutes later?

I just saw more mucus. It was 10C. I don't know what that means, how to chart it (is it the peak so far, or are we in yellow stamp territory now?) or what it says about my current physical state. My temp rises on Thursday and I still have mucus on Sunday. Something isn't right there.

This also means that if I haven't ovulated yet, then we definitely missed our chance this cycle. Kind of makes me think about taking those drugs and the pain it brought me earlier in the cycle and how that was all for nothing. Oh well. We couldn't have known then how the days would play out. And I still would have taken it, even if I remembered at the time that he was going out of town. I never would have not taken the risk.

I am still going to try to hang in there, focus on the Lord, and not get down. I can do this!

Patience? What patience?

Remember when I said I was going to be patient and wait out the next six to nine months? Well, my first cycle isn't even over and I've already lost all hope.

I know, I'm nuts. But here's what's going on: It's cycle day 18 and I've had mucus eleven days in a row. Yesterday was my best mucus day so far, and so I hoped today would be a dry day, indicating yesterday as my peak, and I hoped my temp would be high this morning, all perfectly indicating ovulation.

But, that was not to be.

My temp did rise a little to 97.8 (it had been 97.6 for several days), but that's not nearly enough of a spike to indicate ovulation. Then, despite me trying to will my mucus to stop today, I've had some twice.

So why did I want my mucus to stop? I guess because yesterday, day 17, would have been a better day to ovulate. I had a lot of good quality mucus, it was my tenth day of it and I had some appropriate ovulation pain. Today, day 18, seems a little bit too late and eleven days of mucus seems a little bit too long.

I'm obviously trying to control a situation out of my control. And I'm bad, really bad. Have you ever found yourself trying to manipulate your chart? I actually don't look as hard for mucus on days I don't want to find any, and I look much closer on days I really want some. I also play mind-games with myself, and alter the definition of lubraticative depending on how it benefits me. And this morning when I wasn't happy with my 97.8 temperature, I tried to go back to sleep and re-test until I got something more acceptable. On my third try I came up with 98.0. I'm actually trying to manipulate it, which makes even less sense when you consider that lying about my chart isn't going to help me! It's not like I'm going to get pregnant because my ovaries are going to see my chart and say 'oh, I guess she wants us to ovulate today'!

I swear, infertility makes you nuts! At least that's what it has done to me.

So I'm not sure when I will ovulate this cycle or if I even will and that, of course, is stressing me out.

I know I need to remind myself that my body could still be using this cycle to get back to normal. My doctor didn't say six to nine months for no reason!

I need to go to bed early tonight so I've got to wrap this up. But I am going to leave you with a thought - tonight I was this close to having my face.book status say "K. is barren." I'm also thinking about "K. is jealous of those of you who are fertile", "K. is almost 32 and childless," or "K. is dealing with depression due to infertility." Can you picture one of them amidst all the typical light-hearted status updates? People would think I had lost my mind.

You can see what kind of day it's been.

The big three

This new cycle is really kicking me in the butt. I am exhausted, and since I'm exhausted every day to begin with, I needed to italicize that to stress an increased level of exhaustion. I also doubled my dose of metformin yesterday, so hopefully 1000 mg might be enough to begin to actually alleviate my PCOS symptoms, like exhaustion. If that does happen, I don't know what I'll do with my new-found energy. Clean? Get more work done? Be able to stand up without nearly falling over each time? I'm getting excited already!

I would also like to take this moment to thank God that my endometriosis pain is gone. If it wasn't for my surgery, at this very moment I'd likely be downing ad.vil and holding a heating pad to my abdomen. I'm very blessed that I can complain about just being tired. How quickly I forget!

So lately I'm trying to work on the big three - trust, patience and hope. I'm praying about it, asking God for help, and trying to put each into action. When it comes to trust, I am trying to take cues from other areas of my life where I have a great deal of trust, like when it comes to our finances, my documentary, or, more recently, my husband's surgery. I have placed each of these in God's hands and I have no trouble leaving them there. But sometimes I wonder, perhaps that's possible because none of them are too serious, none are the equivalent of not being able to get pregnant. If my documentary doesn't make it, I'll be perfectly fine. If we were to have money trouble then we'd just cut back, and if something really serious happened financially, I have no fear that we'd end up homeless. There are always jobs and there are always family members who can help out. And if something bad did happen to my husband, well, I think I would most definitely struggle with trust. So I guess the real issue is trusting when things look bleak. I need to trust not that I'll be pregnant, but that I'll be okay if I'm not.

When it comes to patience, I have no choice. Well, I guess I could lament each day for the next four to nine months if I really wanted to. But since I know that I can't even hope to conceive before then (since the met needs to kick in), I will take this time to learn how to wait patiently. That means trying my best to not complain as I suffer. We'll see how that goes. Patience for me also means not over-analyzing every ache and pain I have, as well as not coming up with tons of philosophical and theological questions concerning infertility. I need to just relax, let go and act in a way that I know would please God.

And as for hope, I think it's contigent upon the other two. If I don't have trust or patience, I definitely won't have hope. I think what I really need to explore, though, is what I'm hoping for. I can't realistically hope for a pregnancy. I could, but I'd feel like I was lying to myself and the negative me would always follow up an ounce of hope with a big dose of "but it is very possible I won't ever get pregnant!" That's the cycle I've been in for nearly four years now. I think what I need to hope for is that one day I'll have joy. That can also be a tough pill to swallow ("but how can I possibly have joy if I'm infertile?"), but that just brings us back to trust.

For now, I just need to concentrate on riding this out and taking what comes my way. I need to cry when I feel like crying, but never feel like all hope is lost. When I have lost it in recent weeks, I have really lost it. Lately when I'm down, I feel like my life is a huge waste of time and God has just completely given up on me. I just hope the next time that happens that I can try to remember that God has not forsaken me and if I trust, the suffering will be easier to bear. I don't know if there's an easy fix for this, or if I just keep trying, failing, and trying again if it will start to sink in. God, please help me to heal spiritually and emotionally (and physically of course, if that's your will)!

Good news

That's not something I'd normally title a post on cycle day one (which today happens to be), but that shows how important this good news is. I finally got the call I'd been waiting for - I only have to take my temps and pulses once a week! Yay! I almost started crying when I heard this. I know that sounds very silly, but anyone who is or has been part of the PPVI thyroid study knows how much this medication controls your life. I'll still be taking the T3 and I still won't be able to eat for six hours a day, but that's fine. It's good enough that I won't have to carry around my folder with my temp and pulse chart and my thermometer, hear my cell phone alarm go off all day and stop what I'm doing each time. I will also no longer have to feel guilty about missing my temp times and taking them at like 11 p.m. midnight and 1 a.m., something I've done many times (don't tell PPVI!).

That's not the only good news today. I also have now officially lost 20.2 pounds! And that means my current weight has now entered a new bracket, if you know what I mean. For instance, my weight is 1_9 (sorry, I'm not low enough yet that I want to post the exact weight!). It was very exciting to see that on the scale!

And there's even more fun news. Last night I met my first infertility blogger friend in person! Amber and I met for dinner and had a great time (despite the fact the there was a baby shower going on right next to us - how funny is that?). She's moving to Richmond and will even be going to the same parish as me. She is super cool, and it's nice to talk to someone who knows exactly what you're going through.

So as I mentioned, today is cycle day one, although I'm kind of confused whether yesterday may have been instead. Three days ago I had spotting, two days ago I had no spotting, and yesterday I had spotting but also saw clear, lubricative and stretchy mucus. So does yesterday still get a red sticker, which would make it the first day of the cycle? It always bugs me when I have to do that. I'm not sure why, but it just does. It's like I have to rob days from my luteal phase (which I really want to be longer) and tack them onto the beginning, which does no good.

Anyways, now that it's over, this cycle was pretty good. It was 29 days long (or 28, if yesterday was actually cd1), my luteal phase was 12 days (or 11), I had one peak day again (yay!), and seven days of mucus. And when I entered my temps into Fertility Friend, it said it detected ovulation, which it did not say last month. I suspect I did ovulate last month as well, but this just means my temps are getting more normal and normal is good!

In even more good news, I'm not depressed that today is cd1. That's big. I usually want to do something fun to get my mind off of it, but today I'm fine. I'm focusing on the fact that things look much more normal and I know my body is slowly getting on track. I have to give it time, and for the next four months or so, I really need to be patient. And at least for today, I'm okay with that.

I'm tired, too tired to think of a good title

I'm back in VA. I've got so much I should be doing, but instead I feel like taking a day to rest. Well, at least a half-day to rest. This morning my husband had a doctor's appointment for his leg pain. The doctor was much better than the ER (obviously) and thinks it is a problem with a disc, which is probably pinching a nerve. He ordered an MRI, and my husband got in right away because the doctor called it "urgent," due to the fact that my husband's leg showed signs of weakness. So hopefully we'll hear back today or tomorrow and we're hoping surgery isn't necessary, but if it is, we'll deal with it. I just want his pain to go away and for him to return to normal.

Meanwhile, I'm tired. That's just my overall mood right now. I've had this nagging feeling lately to handle this infertility stuff better and I'm trying. I really am. But right now I'm tired physically and emotionally.

On Sunday, we had an anniversary party for my grandparents and some of my cousins had their babies there (and I should add that one of those cousins isn't married, and the other two were married well after I was. That's always nice). One baby in particular hadn't been seen yet by most of the family so, of course, a big deal was made of it. I tried to handle it well, but I couldn't help but sit there at lunch, eating lettuce and scraping the fried coating off my chicken parmesan, feeling sorry for myself. It was so clear at that moment - I was sitting there, childless, unable to eat most of the food, while everyone else could have kids and a normal diet (I know food and pregnancy are no where near each other on the importance scale, but it just made for a stark contrast). Sometimes it just doesn't seem right at all.

So there I was at the party when all of a sudden I became acutely aware of one thing - I am unable to have kids. Has anything like that ever happened to you? It's happened to me in the past and always seems to come out of nowhere. Something I live with every day, something that is most definitely not new, just all of a sudden hits me hard. I am unable to have kids. I am that woman. This is my life. It's like it hits me in my heart with a force that I must find a way to supress every other moment, without even realizing it. It's almost like an out-of-body experience, where I am, for a second, looking at myself with new eyes. And it shouldn't surprise me, but it always does. Wait a minute, are you saying I'm unable to have kids? Un-able? Like, I'm barren? And I may never have a baby to bring to family parties? I wonder if anyone there noticed that I was completely out of it for a few minutes.

On the way home (when I was by myself, of course) I cried. But this time it wasn't in a bratty way, but because I just couldn't help it. After a few minutes, I dried my tears and went on with my day.

I know I won't be pregnant any time soon, I just pray it happens some time in the years to come. I think, for many, there is a point in the infertility struggle when you go from believing it could happen each month, to struggling to maintain a shred of hope each month, to knowing it won't happen for a long time, if ever. For me, the first phase of having monthly hope probably lasted a year and a half. The phase of trying to muster up some hope lasted through the remainder of year two, and then year three was when I realized it wasn't going to happen. I'm not saying it won't happen ever, but mine is a much bigger picture. Now the struggle becomes one of patience and how to handle what will likely be a long wait. So I'm now trying to focus on the small things - like that my chart looks much more normal, my temperature appears to be doing the right thing, and I'm on medication for PCOS. Things are looking up lately. Not for a pregnancy any time soon, but for a pregnancy some day.

Alright, sorry to ramble. My husband left the room a while ago and I'm hoping he fell asleep, but I should go see if he's okay. Hopefully I'll have some good news about him tomorrow.

Patience and trust

So I made it to NY, and the drive wasn't too bad. Sophie did AMAZING, as always. At times I forget she is even with me, she is so good. I already miss my husband. I'll be making some money this weekend, though, so it's worth it. Plus I will be able to attend my grandparents' 60th anniversary party on Sunday, which I normally wouldn't have been around for (that sounds really bad, doesn't it? A paycheck will bring me here, but not their anniversary). Plus, it will be nice to see family and friends I haven't seen since my weight loss. That's always fun!

On the infertility front, I've been feeling lately like I really, really need to be patient. A little voice in my head is telling me to calm down, to ride it out, to go with the flow. Just hang in there and live day-to-day. Don't think about how long it may take, and definitely don't dwell on the thought that it may never happen.

I know the lives of the saints weren't all wonderful and easy, but the way many of them lived with just an abundance of pure trust in the Lord, it just seems so relaxing! If you TRULY trust the Lord, then there is no need to worry. They lived their lives one day at a time, thankful for the day God gave them, and happy to do good in his honor. They didn't waste time thinking about what he didn't give them, or what may not happen in the future. And why? Because they knew that God's plan was best. They weren't kind of sure. No, it was a fact. They TRUSTED. Purely and honestly. I don't think I've ever come close.

So how do I do it? I don't know. I could try the old "act like you trust and eventually you will trust" tactic; that's worked for me before. I could continue to pray about it, really pray about it. I could also put forth a full-blown effort to trust, which would mean rejecting all thoughts that would keep me from trusting, like jealousy of pregnant women, feeling sorry for myself, worrying it may never happen, everything. I also think that once you trust 100%, those feelings just go away. If you trust that the Lord's plan for you is best, than why on earth would you feel bad that you haven't gotten pregnant yet?

One thing is for sure - whether it's trust, patience, belief, or whatever, it doesn't come easy. Wanting it is not enough; I have found that we have to meet God half way. We have to put forth an effort, we have to show him we're serious. I don't know if that theory is theologically sound, but it's what I've found to be true from my experience. We also have to really want it. I'm not sure I do. Right now it's just easier to feel pain when I hear someone else is pregnant. It's what I know. I don't know if I'll ever be able to break that habit.

Well, if anyone has any suggestions, let me know. I don't want to continue on like this (depressed, angry, anxious). I want to change. It's just that I've been trying for almost four years and I haven't had much luck yet, but then again, maybe I haven't really tried.

Reflections on Lent

I apologize that for the last week or so my posts have been consumed with detailed information about my cycle (not that people normally come here to read insightful, thought-provoking posts or anything). The end of Lent passed by, Easter came and went, and all I could think about was spotting.

On Easter Sundays past, I typically indulged in whatever food item I gave up for Lent (usually chocolate). This year, though, Easter didn't mark the end of a fast because I gave up impatience or, you could say, I worked on having patience. I'm not sure how I did and, actually, I should re-read some of my Lenten posts to see if they sound impatient. When Lent first began I looked up the definition of patience, just to be sure what I was attempting. I guess in the past I had thought of patience more as something to do purely with time. I thought maybe I would simply have to find a way to not focus on the future so much. To my surprise, the definition actually said something to the effect of "to suffer without complaint" or "to bear trials calmly." How fitting! That was exactly what I was in need of. And what could be more Christ-like than suffering without complaint? Christ was patient. He was patient in the garden of Gethsemane, he was patient while he carried the cross, he was patient as he was crucified. I hadn't really thought about patience in this way before, as something to imitate from Christ (and, to be honest, I didn't think of it until Lent was already over).

Patience is perhaps what I need more than anything else during this difficult journey through infertility. I complain a lot. I cry out in anger to God almost every day. I do not bear my suffering well, to say the least. I would absolutely love to reach a point where I can accept my suffering (because as long as I am infertile I think I will be suffering on some level) and keep it neatly wrapped up inside. I don't mean that I want to internalize it and blow up someday, but I think there's something to be said for not complaining and bearing that trial calmly. I need to suffer like Christ suffered, and be patient like he was patient. I can have a dialogue with God about it, but I should not be angry with Him. Christ prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” He didn't add on "... as long as what you will is for this cup to pass from me!"

Infertility is cruel. We all suffer and it's hard to suffer without complaining (we are human, after all). So how do I have patience? I'm still not quite sure. I guess when it comes to a practical application I just need to pray each time I feel like complaining. That's the only way I can try to do this. I need to try to imagine Christ and how he suffered, and model my actions after his. So simple, yet so difficult!

Put to the patience test

Why am I constantly surprised when my patience is tested this Lent? I did vow to work on it, after all. Today it was my sewing machine. I handled it okay, except for a moment of desparation when I questioned God's existence, but that was only a fleeting thought. I'm not kidding. My faith is, obviously, pretty weak. It wasn't just the sewing machine breaking down that made me question my religious beliefs; it was the sewing, which lead to thoughts of infertility, which lead to the old questions, "why does God not help me? Am I wasting my time praying? Is it all a lie?" I am admitting all of this because, for one, maybe it's my penance, but also because it lead me to embarassingly realize that I truly do only praise God when things are going well (actually, praise is a little strong. I should say I believe in Him when things are going well) and "going well" can mean something as insignificant as making curtains without interruption. How horrible. I am ashamed before God about this and I will work on it.

Earlier today I got nervous about my treatment and the fact that I'm not on any medication. (Actually, I just picked up my first medication tonight, so technically I'll be on one med starting tomorrow.) My husband thinks I'm crazy to worry about it, that just because others are on certain medications doesn't mean I need them, that I'm in good hands with PPVI. He's right. I think this is an example of me finding things to worry about. The way I should look at it as if I should be on something, I'll be on it sooner or later. And if it's the missing link we've been looking for, then I'll get pregnant at that time. Seems like it all boils down to patience!

Day Two *Update*

So yesterday was cycle day one for me. I handled it well. It's okay because I know God will take care of me. I'm not sure how, or what will happen but I know it will be okay eventually. That's a big improvement for me. I think not really having any hope of conceiving this past fall (after I found out how bad my endometriosis was) has helped me to not get too disappointed each month, even though I guess I have a good chance of conceiving now. (Notice I said "good" chance. That fact that I can admit that is an improvement!)

So tomorrow I have to call PPVI for a cycle review. I had a short cycle this time around - only 25 days (when I first started charting my cycles were 40+ days, but lately I've had some short ones, although this is the shortest). My peak day was somewhat normal for a change - day 17 - with about 10 days of mucus. Most importantly the mucus did not stop and start, it was pretty constant during that time. But... my luteal phase was only eight days. What does that mean? Here are the luteal phase lengths for my last eight cycles: 8, 3, 12, 9, 10, 8, 10 and 3 days. I read today that you need at least to days for implantation, so three of those cycles are long enough and five aren't. And I wonder what happened when it was only 3 days. And I wish I knew what my progesterone levels were. They were okay the last time they were tested - a year ago!! Ugh... I guess this is where my patience comes in again. I'll know exactly what's going on eventually. I just have to wait.

One thing that is definitely helping to take my mind off things is our new house. We've been painting for three days now and have about four more days of it to go. We'll officially move in this weekend. I even kept my cool today when things got pretty frustrating. It involved one of those automatic roller machines and a paint color I hated. You'd think being an artist that I would be good at picking colors but I'm awful.

If anyone gets a chance, could you say a quick prayer for me? I'm going to the dentist tomorrow for a couple fillings and I have major anxiety about it. I'm actually doing well, though, because I think God is giving me the grace to be calm about it. I just want it to be over!

***Thanks for your prayers! The dentist was MUCH better than I ever thought. I brought an hour and a half of music on my ipod, specifically songs to calm me down, and I didn't even make it through Tiny Dancer and she was already done drilling! Not even one complete song! Two more visits to go now...

Letting go actually works

Well I decided to just let go of trying to have blood drawn this month (not that I had control over it, but I decided to not stress about it). I could have tried again today, since PPVI said sometimes you can have it drawn on Peak+8 if you have to, but we closed on our house this morning and my sister's flight was canceled so I wasn't about to waste another day calling labs along the eastern seaboard. But I have gotten some helpful ideas from a couple people and we'll see what happens with those. I'm going to turn my energy towards setting something up for next month, and on Monday I'm going to call a hospital in Northern VA who has sent blood to PPVI before. I feel better since I let go of this and gave it up to God (hey, that's what is supposed to happen, go figure!). Maybe I should try this more often! All I know is I can't say I'm working on patience for Lent and not follow through with it when things get tough. Did I expect not to have my patience really tested these forty days?!

As for my cycle, today is CD 25. Technically it is now CD 26 (the clock just turned to midnight but I think this post will register as Friday). And, as I said earlier, today is Peak+8. The bad news is this afternoon I briefly experienced some sensations that lead me to believe my period is on the way. The feeling only lasted a minute but it has never disappointed before (or, I should say, it always disappoints). So we will see. My temp was still up this morning, but since I am taking it for another reason (thyroid study) I don't really know enough about BBT to use that as evidence. But I guess I shouldn't over-analyze things. The most I can hope for is that I ovulated this month and that maybe, just maybe, my cycle will appear somewhat "normal" this time around. My body is healing, my ovaries are healing and this will happen in God's time.

I got an email today from someone who reminded me of a song that speaks volumes about what I need to do right now (thank you!). Here's a portion of it.

"Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now

God You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

For some reason, this line always hits me the hardest: "I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away." It may not seem like God has taken away anything from me, but I truly feel like He has. My dreams have been taken away. My fertility has been taken away. I know it might not be permanent, but right now it is real. But it's the praising of God through this that strikes me. I'm definitely not good at it and the thought that people do that is amazing to me. But if I get bad news in the next week, I'm going to give it my best shot.

Problems *update*

Well I spoke too soon. I cannot have my blood drawn today because no one will draw it and ship it. And on top of that, no one will draw it and turn it over to me to ship myself. I guess I took it for granted where I use to live because I just walked in the closest lab and handed them the order from PPVI and they shipped it. No questions asked. Apparently the Richmond, VA area does not ship blood or give your own blood to you.

So is this the end of my road? Without blood I can't do anything else. I guess my next step is looking for a lab in northern VA, NC, MD or maybe I'll just drive 8 hours to the lab in NY I had it drawn at last year! This is ridiculous. So no bloodwork this cycle. Another month to wait, another 30+ day postponement. I'm actually handling it well and my husband and sister both pointed that out. I'm just now beginning to get teary about it. And to top it all off I felt like the people at PPVI were getting annoyed at me calling all day. Maybe it was in my head. But, as my husband pointed out, shouldn't they be helping with this? I feel like it's so hard to navigate your healthcare these days. Being someone's patient doesn't even mean much. You still have to be ultra-proactive or nothing will get done!

Oh - here's the best part: I went into a lab this morning unknowingly, and told them what I needed. They said they don't do that. But the fascinating part is that I went there in November and they claimed they did do it, and I had it done and figured they shipped it. But then I got thinking, I never got a print-out from PPVI about my results and at my post-op appointment Dr. Hilgers never referred to that bloodwork. So I called PPVI and asked if they had a record of bloodwork from Nov. Big surprise, they did not! So this lab took my blood, later realized it needed to be shipped which they don't do, and instead of calling me they just forgot about it. But still charged me of course! How great is that? They just, what, threw my blood away?!

Okay, I'm going to forget about it. Nothing I can do now. Patience. Patience.

*Update - So finally a woman at a lab was nice enough to look into it for me instead of just telling me no. She called me back and said she found out it's against the law for a lab to draw blood for a dr. not liscensed in the state of VA. Against the law?! I called PPVI and they'd never heard of that and claimed they've had patients in VA have blood sent before. So now my next step is to find a physician who will take me as a patient and basically have them copy Dr. Hilger's order and get my blood drawn. But I'll actually be back to square one then because I still need to find a lab who will ship it or let me take it and ship it myself. Not to mention the doctors who are affiliated with PPVI are all about two hours away. And who knows if they are even accepting new patients.

To top it all off, the nice woman who told me it's against the law also told me there might be one place in Richmond that could do it for me (how, if it's against the law??) and it's called Richmond IVF or something. Does IVF stand for something else that has to do with blood?? Because that just takes the cake if I would have to go to an IVF clinic to have my blood drawn and shipped to PPVI. I'm not even going to call them.

This is a horrible day. It's my poor sister's last day here and she spent it watching me make calls all day. Then we decided to go shopping which I hoped would get my mind off of things, and I tried a million things on (which I hate) and when I went up to the register I whipped out a $100 gift card only to find out it was the wrong one, and had $9 on it! So I had to put everything back and it was just one of those times when I almost broke down. Not because of the clothes or the gift card, but because should I have expected anything less? This is how this day has been. Oh well, I guess it could be much worse.

Great article!

This morning I got a pleasant surprise when my husband pointed out to me a headline on the cover of the most recent issue of Faith & Family that arrived today. It read, "God Made Me Infertile." Yay! A story about infertility in a publication that isn't all about infertility! And it was an article I knew would be pro-life and would not contradict Church teaching. My next surprise came when I flipped to the article and discovered it was all about Lottie and Tate from catholicinfertility.org! But it wasn't over yet. I read the article, which talked all about the couple's struggle with infertility, their adoption journey that has brought them three beautiful children, and their discovery of the Pope Paul VI Institute. A lot of the story I was familiar with from their website, until the end, that is. It said they were able to conceive and Lottie is pregnant with a baby boy! I am so excited for them!

It's a great article (and a great magazine, by the way) and I suggest you read it if you have access to the magazine (it's not online as far as I know).

After a mini-breakdown last night (not anger, just a little sad-for-no-reason type of episode), I'm doing well today. I talked with the Pope Paul VI Institute for my six week check-up today and the great news is they have ordered bloodwork for Peak +7, which is tomorrow! I don't even need to be patient this time! They also told me I have to call on the first day of my next cycle to do a cycle review. I'm so excited! Things are moving forward and each day I'm closer to finding out if anything else is wrong with me, if my hormones are okay, if I need medication, if they'll try me on Clomid, etc., etc.

Waiting

Well I'm still trying to be positive, patient and hopeful! This, I guess, is when it's most important. It's easier to be patient when you're in the midst of fertile days. There's more going on, your charting everything, taking ovulation tests, looking for signs. Now I'm just waiting. Yesterday I was super positive for some reason. Just really happy and at peace with God's will. But today was a different story. I'm not mad at God or anything, but my mood definitely shifted and I'm a little more melancholy. It might be hormones.

On a side note, I am taking my temperature four times a day for a thyroid study the PPVI is having me do, and this morning my temp was up (it was the first day I was required to take it post peak). I guess that's pretty normal for post-ovulation and maybe another sign that I ovulated.

So I'm going to continue to keep my head up, even though I find myself having doubts about having hope from time to time, mainly how much more it might hurt if I don't get pregnant; honestly, I think I'm afraid I'll feel stupid for thinking it might actually happen. But I think the solution to that is to simply ignore those thoughts and push them out of my mind, change the subject. I'll be let down many times in my life, with or without hope. But if I trust in God, He will help me through it.

I know this analogy might sound silly, but I had an epiphany the other day when walking my dog. Sometimes she pees and comes back inside right away. Other times she drags me around forever. Usually I get really frustrated and pull her where I want her to "do her business," usually right around our apartment. But, in the end, she doesn't do it until she's ready. And if I fight her on it, it only takes longer and I wind up really mad. So the other day I just let go, let her pull me wherever she wanted and in the end, it took her less time than normal, I was happier, and not at all annoyed. My point (yes, there is a point here) is that I realized that's what I need to do with my infertility. Let go, loosen up, give up control, let God lead me where He wants me to go, even if I think I know a quicker way. In the end, I will be much less frustrated, I will find peace, and I will meet an end result that I will be happy with - and I will look back on it and think, "I should have done that sooner!"

A lot to be thankful for

My streak of positive ovulation tests finally came to an end today. Yay! I've never been so happy to see a negative test. I know four days of positives isn't exactly normal, but it's better than five or six days I guess.

I'm trying not to look too much into things so I don't want to over-analyze this, but besides hoping for a pregnancy, I'm really just hoping my body starts to regulate itself after surgery and this cycle will be the first chance to see if it does. Today is CD 18 and I've had mucus for about a week, with the exception of not having any on the 13th and so far none today. I've always had enough mucus, so that's not an issue, but my problem is that I have like two weeks of it and it stops, then starts, then stops, then starts. I have been told that is because my body is trying to ovulate and can't, so it's trying to kick start itself. I'm really hoping that my ovulation problems were due to endometriosis and that things will soon start to look more "normal." So I'm really crossing my fingers that I don't have any mucus today, or for the rest of the cycle.

But - if there is something else (other than endometriosis) that has been going on, I should be confident that it can be fixed. It just might take longer, but that's what patience is for, right? So I shouldn't worry. I'm just so thankful that I have/had a problem that can be fixed. So many people are dealing with forms of infertility that are not treatable and I think I can get so caught up in my sadness that I forget how lucky I am. We haven't had to grieve the finality of untreatable infertility. Sometimes I grieve it because I am a pessimist, but I haven't had to really deal with that. My situation really is hopeful, and my level of hope on any given day has nothing to do with that. A stranger would look at my situation and say it is hopeful. That's the truth that I have to start getting use to. I use to fight hope because of the fear of being let down, but I am confident if that were to happen, God will protect me. I believe He gives graces to those who hope in Him.

And I have a lot to be excited about! My sister is flying in tomorrow for a week-long visit and the day after she leaves we close on our new house. Then I'll have at least a month of getting it all ready, painting, sewing curtains, decorating. And many new episodes of Lost are still to come (how amazing has this season been?!), not to mention American Idol, and now that the strike is over The Office and 30 Rock will be back! And did I mention Lost? Then we're going on vacation with my family in April. I'm at my best when I'm preoccupied and have things to look forward to. This cycle will be over before I know it and then it will be time to have new blood drawn and possibly start taking something to regulate my hormones. Now, if God could just miraculously heal my cavities that I'll be having filled in the coming weeks, things would be really great!

What I've learned so far this Lent

My first 15 minutes of silent prayer went well yesterday (although after I finished my post I completely forgot that I had just written that I was going to pray and only remembered after checking email and a few websites). I had a nun (actually a sister, but for the sake of not confusing it with one of my biological sisters, I'll call her a nun) instruct me once to sit in a chair with my feet planted firmly on the ground and close my eyes. So I do this, and then ask God to speak to my heart. It's sometimes hard at first because I like to fidget, but I usually calm down after a few minutes and then the time flies. Between yesterday and today I think I had a few good topics come up while I prayed. I'll share them here from time to time, for no other reason than so I can reflect on them and perhaps they'll help someone else as well.

Yesterday, while in prayer, I think God was trying to get me to examine my motives for wanting a pregnancy. Now, I know He knows I want to raise up children to worship Him, because I have told him this a hundred times. I don't think He thinks my heart is entirely in the wrong place. But I do think He is questioning this immense desire for so-called joy that I say I have. You know, that feeling of complete happiness and accomplishment and celebration that we see others experience and we feel left out? I think the Super Bowl first brought it to mind, just imagining how it must feel the night of a Super Bowl win. Then I thought about it again while watching American Idol, the complete joy the contestants who get a yellow ticket to Hollywood must feel. I think seeing a positive pregnancy test would feel that way, and lately I've begun to covet that feeling. Not that there's anything wrong with joy or being happy about a pregnancy; of course God longs for us to be joyful and learning of a pregnancy has been a joyful time for people throughout history. But it's the coveting of that feeling where I go wrong. I obsess over it, imagine what it must feel like, feel sorry for myself that it appears unattainable, jealous of those who experience it in any form. This is where it goes from actual joy to a worldly desire for pleasure. I think God is trying to get me back on track. Like I said, He knows my intentions are pure for the most part, but this infertility thing can mess with your head. Plus, I think He wants to remind me that joy is there for the taking and I don't need a pregnancy to experience it. Right now that is a hard pill to swallow, but deep down I know it's true. I just can't seem to figure out how to feel it right now.

I've also been trying to focus on trusting in God's will. Along with working on having patience this Lent, I am also going to try to trust God. I had an insight into this the other day while brushing my dog Sophie's hair. She's a Lhasa Apso (the ones in the dog shows who have hair all the way to the ground..it must be a full-time job to keep up with that) and for the past three years I haven't been good about brushing her hair and she always becomes all matted and then we have to take her to get shaved. So I'm trying something new and brushing her hair every day or so. For the most part she must like it because she sits still, but the other day I must have hit a knot because she went nuts. She immediately jumped up, barked at me and showed me her teeth to which I replied, "Sophie, I'm doing this for you!" I realized that, obviously, she can't possibly understand that I have her best interest in mind. Her reaction comes from an inability to trust me in this situation. Well, I immediately thought of how this parallels my own problems with God. Infertility is causing me pain and I blame Him for this. Why? Because I don't trust Him. If I trusted Him I would take the pain because I know He has my overall best interest in mind. But, just like Sophie, I growl and bark at Him because of a lack of trust. I know this is something I need to work on and so I'm going to try to pray something simple this Lent that is second nature to Catholics but I, for one, don't really mean it: Thy will be done. Maybe if I pray it with my head, my heart will follow.

This is kind of a hodge-podge post, and I know this is getting long, but I wanted to include a story of something that happened last night at Ash Wednesday Mass. I had to go alone because my husband works nights and I went to a church closer to our house, instead of where we normally go. The place was packed; I had to park on the road a distance away and had to stand, along with dozens of others, in the back of the church. At the end of the homily the priest announced that high school students were going to assist in handing out the ashes. When I reached the front of the line a high school boy put his hand to my forehead and proceeded to absolutely drench me in ashes. I felt them all over my nose. I watched them fall onto my shirt. As I turned to walk back I put my hand to my nose only to realize I had probably just smudged a small portion of what was covering my face. I put my head down (of course I had worn my hair in a pony tail so there was no hiding) and I felt like people were staring and I swear I heard laughing (I'm sure I didn't really, but it's amazing what your mind can do). Let me just say, too, that I'm not someone who likes to show off their ashes. I've heard the debate about whether people who like to wear their ashes should go to an evening Mass, while those who are embarrassed of them should go in the morning. I would definitely be someone who should go in the morning, because it would truly be a penance for me to wear them all day, worrying if people were looking at and judging me. So while walking back I immediately began to think that God must have done this to me because He knows I don't like them and was trying to teach me humility. Well, if so, it worked. But then I began to think that my huge amount of ashes must be proportionate to the amount of sin I've committed this past year. Kind of like coal in your stocking at Christmas, God was showing the world, or at least this packed parish, that this woman was really bad. Finally I reached the back of the church and kept walking, looking for a bathroom. I found it, prayed no one would look at me as I entered, and luckily found an open stall just inside the door. I closed the stall door behind me, whipped out a compact with mirror and saw the horror - it was pretty bad. I wiped it all off, tried to wipe off my shirt, and calmly walked out to the sink area. As I was washing my hands, a woman walked in laughing - with ashes all over her face! She was complaining about the high school boy who did it when another pretty young girl heard her and said that was why she was in the bathroom too. So I chimed in, and immediately felt better. So maybe it wasn't some big lesson about what a horrible person I am! But then again, there are probably a few lessons in there somewhere.

An experiment in patience

With Lent just around the corner, I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to focus on for these forty days. I've been trying to figure out how I'll go into the desert with the Lord - what should I give up, what should I start doing, how can I become a better Christian. I keep coming back to one thing - infertility, and it's not because of my obsession with it (well, maybe a little). Rather, it's because I need to, once and for all, begin to focus on the things I've been avoiding: Hope. Patience. Trusting God's will.

This may not sound like anything new. Hope, patience and trust are practically all I blog about. But the difference this Lent is that I'm going to stop talking and start doing.

I'm starting with patience. It's an underlying problem that needs to be tackled before I can begin to try to have hope or trust. It's something I need to work on to get me through each day.

pa·tience /ˈpeɪʃəns/ – noun: 1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

The definition of patience (from dictionary.com) really struck me. When I think about what it means to be patient I usually think it means getting through the day without being obsessed with infertility. It means getting rid of that anxious feeling in my chest when I think about how I want to be pregnant RIGHT NOW. But I never thought it had anything to do with not complaining. Reading this definition is actually what inspired me to become patient. In that one definition a directive was given to me, an actual instruction of how to accomplish it. Don't complain. Bear your misfortune, your pain, without complaining, becoming irritated or losing your temper. I'm an instructions person; I need to be told exactly how to do something. So this is a good start.

2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay

The important term here is willingness. I clearly don't currently have the ability. I may not even currently have the willingness; despair can be a comfortable place. I am very familiar with being irritable, angry, annoyed, impatient. But that's what Lent is for. I am going to be willing to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay because it is Lent and I owe that to God.

3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence.

Perseverance. Even-tempered. Diligent. So not me! But, again, these are good instructions on how to be patient.

So how do I become patient? How do I suddenly stop complaining and become that even-tempered person I've always dreamed of? I think the secret ingredient, for me at least, is to simply act like I am. It worked when I was trying to have faith, so I should have faith that it will work when I'm trying to have patience.

So here's what I'm going to try to do:

1. I will try not to complain (not about infertility in general, but about the time-table)
2. I will try to be more even tempered and not completely break down
3. If I feel a break-down coming on, I will pray
4. I will set small goals, looking forward to the things happening in the days and weeks ahead
5. I will act outwardly as if I am patient

Don't get me wrong, I'm not sure this will work. I'm not sure I won't fail. But I've got to start somewhere or I'm just going to drown. Like I've said before, I know God doesn't want me to act like this. He's asking me to follow Him out of this. I'm not happy with myself, I don't want to be so hopeless, so impatient, irritable, angry.

I don't think there's anything wrong with my natural reactions to infertility. It's completely normal to be depressed and to grieve. But God wants me to grow as a result of this as well, or else it would be a complete waste of time.

Thoughts on being patient

As much as I hate to admit it, I think there's a good chance I might get pregnant some day. In the far reaches of my mind, when I dare to admit it to myself for fear of somehow jinxing it, I think it could happen. I didn't always feel this way, but I have caught the new, post-surgery me thinking these thoughts. They tend to go like this: I'm in my mid-30's, I have at least one adopted child and I've never stopped praying for a miracle. It's unexpected and amazing.

I believe that the removal of my endometriosis - barring a new, additional diagnosis (still the pessimist) - now makes even the possibility possible. Even if my egg is not currently being released from my ovary, having otherwise healthy reproductive organs at least allows for the chance that an egg will one day, one month, find its way out.

While I believe in miracles, I didn't feel in my heart that I'd get my miracle before my surgery. I know anything is possible, but I just wasn't feeling it. But now I believe God could definitely work His wonders. I don't know why I feel this way, maybe because it is easier to imagine God making my egg leave my ovary rather than imagining Him instantaneously clearing up my endometriosis. Maybe it is easier to wrap my mind around the former. But maybe it's also because God is putting the possibility on my heart now.

That brings me to what I need more than anything at the moment (yes, even more than hope). There are a lot of things about me God has been working on in the past 3 1/2 years. Through it all, though, I know patience is at the top of the list. I want to be pregnant yesterday. I want to be pregnant after my first cycle post surgery. I want to be pregnant by at least the second month. I want to be pregnant while I'm 31. Heck, I want to give birth while I'm 31. I want to be pregnant sooner rather than later so that my new-found hope doesn't wane. I don't know how long I can sustain this slightly positive outlook.

I know I need to work on my patience. There's going to be a wait. There could be a very long wait (every day seems long when you're dealing with infertility). Now that I think about it, "be patient" were Dr. Hilgers' parting words to me. It might not happen right away and that's okay (I try to convince myself). Because, if given the choice, wouldn't we all say we'd take a pregnancy five years from now over no pregnancy at all? I know, the thought of waiting five, six or seven years seems horrible, especially because while we wait we don't have any guarantee that a pregnancy will ever happen. If we did it would be too easy. I have definitely wished that I could know the future.. if God could just let me know now.

So I pray to the Lord that I can learn patience and completely submit to His will in the meantime.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I may not know what His plans are for my future, but if He says he won't harm me, then I guess I have to believe that and try to have some patience in the meantime.