Patience and trust

So I made it to NY, and the drive wasn't too bad. Sophie did AMAZING, as always. At times I forget she is even with me, she is so good. I already miss my husband. I'll be making some money this weekend, though, so it's worth it. Plus I will be able to attend my grandparents' 60th anniversary party on Sunday, which I normally wouldn't have been around for (that sounds really bad, doesn't it? A paycheck will bring me here, but not their anniversary). Plus, it will be nice to see family and friends I haven't seen since my weight loss. That's always fun!

On the infertility front, I've been feeling lately like I really, really need to be patient. A little voice in my head is telling me to calm down, to ride it out, to go with the flow. Just hang in there and live day-to-day. Don't think about how long it may take, and definitely don't dwell on the thought that it may never happen.

I know the lives of the saints weren't all wonderful and easy, but the way many of them lived with just an abundance of pure trust in the Lord, it just seems so relaxing! If you TRULY trust the Lord, then there is no need to worry. They lived their lives one day at a time, thankful for the day God gave them, and happy to do good in his honor. They didn't waste time thinking about what he didn't give them, or what may not happen in the future. And why? Because they knew that God's plan was best. They weren't kind of sure. No, it was a fact. They TRUSTED. Purely and honestly. I don't think I've ever come close.

So how do I do it? I don't know. I could try the old "act like you trust and eventually you will trust" tactic; that's worked for me before. I could continue to pray about it, really pray about it. I could also put forth a full-blown effort to trust, which would mean rejecting all thoughts that would keep me from trusting, like jealousy of pregnant women, feeling sorry for myself, worrying it may never happen, everything. I also think that once you trust 100%, those feelings just go away. If you trust that the Lord's plan for you is best, than why on earth would you feel bad that you haven't gotten pregnant yet?

One thing is for sure - whether it's trust, patience, belief, or whatever, it doesn't come easy. Wanting it is not enough; I have found that we have to meet God half way. We have to put forth an effort, we have to show him we're serious. I don't know if that theory is theologically sound, but it's what I've found to be true from my experience. We also have to really want it. I'm not sure I do. Right now it's just easier to feel pain when I hear someone else is pregnant. It's what I know. I don't know if I'll ever be able to break that habit.

Well, if anyone has any suggestions, let me know. I don't want to continue on like this (depressed, angry, anxious). I want to change. It's just that I've been trying for almost four years and I haven't had much luck yet, but then again, maybe I haven't really tried.

Changing slowly

Tonight I was asked how infertility has affected my relationship with God, and it got me thinking about some of the hard questions I have asked throughout the last three-plus years, and how my receptiveness to possible answers to those questions has slowly changed. For example, I have many memories of lying in bed at night just so sad and desperately wanting to "talk about it." That's my husband's worst nightmare, I'm sure (remember, these were the days before I knew what a blog was and you, my dear reader, could listen to me vent). So he had to just lie there and listen to me babble on and on, asking deep, dark questions like, 'why would a loving God cause me to suffer in this way and not bless us with children, which are the very reason a man and woman join together before God as husband and wife in the first place?' He would offer very nice advice ("because his plan for you hasn't yet been revealed") and then listen as I flatly refuted it. The one argument I kept coming back to was this: Bad things happen to very holy people and there is a chance that no matter how faithful I am, I could die with no children. Then the conversation would turn to whether my reward would be in heaven and that was just too much to take in at the time. It just wasn't consolation to think that I would be rewarded in the next life. Not at age 29.

Luckily for both him and me, that has changed. We never have those late night infertility depression talks (thanks internet!) and I have to believe that even if we did, they would go very differently. The reason I know this is because I find myself giving others the very advice my husband once gave me. And I believe it! That's what happened tonight. As I was emailing someone I realized that I had, at some point, begun believing what my husband always tried to tell me. Maybe it is self-preservation, maybe I have just been worn down. I tend to believe, though, that this transformation has taken place through prayer. I have cried out to God so often to help me, hoping that help would come down like a lightning bolt and when it didn't, I wondered if he'd heard me at all. It wasn't until long after (we're talking years) that I realized I received the help I was asking for. It took a while, but I have slowly come to accept the answers to some of the very tough questions I use to ask. Like...

Question: Why does God want me to suffer like this?
Old Answer: Who knows! It makes no sense. Everyone else can get pregnant and I can't. Can he not hear me? Does he not love me?
New Answer: He doesn't want me to suffer but he allows it for several reasons, such as a) to purify my soul, b) so I can share in the sufferings of his son, c) because the suffering may only be temporary and I am just being very impatient.

Question: What if the suffering is not temporary and I never have children?
Old Answer: I will live a horrible existence, my life will be wasted and maybe, if I am lucky, I will receive my reward in heaven, whatever that means.
New Answer: If I am to never have children (biologically), then I will join millions of other couples who will also never have biological children. I am not alone and God did not single me out to hurt me. That being said, being childless never has to be the end result because we can always adopt. If, for some reason, God puts it on our hearts to not adopt, then there must be a really good reason for that and that would be something we would decide together and have to be completely okay with.

Question: What if I am never okay with not having biological children and I am miserable for the rest of my life?
Old Answer: I don't know! I guess I will just cry every day and no one will want to be around me, ever. And I will be a horrible adoptive parent because my child will always know that I am depressed and God forbid he or she finds out it's because I couldn't get pregnant.
New Answer: That misery will subside as I draw nearer to God. That might be hard to understand at first, but it will happen. This was a sticking point for me just a couple years ago, as I refused to believe the sting of infertility would ever go away. In fact, I thought it would only increase with time. I have found that while it is still painful, I have come to the realization that misery does not please God and to love him is to want to please him. Plus, if what people say is true, that misery becomes a distant memory when your adopted baby is put in your arms.

I remember one night, my poor husband was trying to read a book with me about suffering. We had ordered it online and our hopes were high that it might offer me some help. We got to a chapter about the need to find something that brings you joy in life (like an activity, such as gardening or playing the piano) and I could go no further. I literally sobbed and sobbed because I could not think of one thing in the world that brought me joy, which just depressed me even more. My husband tried his best to list off some possibilities and I just knocked them all down. And at the time, I was being honest. Nothing brought me joy. I was depressed. But I am so blessed today to be able to look back on that and say I have discovered several things that bring me joy. I truly believe God has answered my prayers and transformed me so that I am able to experience joy in the midst of suffering. That's what it is all about - living with this. It was the theme of all of my tough questions. I was afraid of how much it would hurt to live with this pain and what that meant for my relationship with and image of God. I am not on the other side of this by any means, but I really feel like I have grown so much. With God's help, I have learned that suffering is manageable and things can get better. Believe me, I still hope things get much better for me. The difference is that I now believe they will.

Trying to trust

I decided not to take an ovulation test today. It just makes me too crazy. I really, truly want to relax about all of this. It's getting to the point where I'm tired of being sad, angry, and worried all of the time. I've been praying for God to help me to accept His will, whatever outcome it may be. I've also been praying for Him to put adoption on my heart, if that is His will. I hope I can get to a point where I can be optimistic, hopeful, but most importantly where I can trust God. The main thing I need to remember is I will have answers, in God's time. One day, whether that day is a month from now or a year from now, I will know what is medically preventing me from conceiving. That problem - or problems - will either be fixable or they won't be fixable. We may try to fix them and then find out the treatments don't work. Or, it may come to a point where doctors say they cannot determine what is wrong. That is a possibility. I may adopt while the medical treatment is going on, or I may adopt once it is all over. Or I may get pregnant.

I'm not feeling too well today. I woke up with a sore throat and I still feel exhausted from the medication, like I'm a lead weight. Maybe it's not the medication and I'm just getting sick! I also have abdominal cramping though. I'm not sure what that is about, because it appears that I'm still not ovulating. I wonder if you get cramps when your follicle doesn't rupture.

The only thing I've done today, other than go to church, is bake (and watch t.v. of course). Here's a picture of banana chocolate chip bread I made today. I thought it looked pretty. I wish you could smell it!

Positive ovulation test

It's day 19 and I just got my first positive ovulation test for this cycle. So that's not ideal, since it's not the "perfect" day 14, but it's also not bad. I'm not worried. I'd be worried if I didn't get a positive test at all! I also woke up with cramps, but I'm not sure if that has to do with ovulation because it was on both sides. It might be due to my medication, which is still making me super drowsy.

Last night I was feeling frustrated so I talked to my husband about it and realized my problem isn't with turning this over to God. I've already done that. My problem is with putting my trust in God. I know I've turned it over to His will because that's part of the reason I'm so frustrated. This problem has no solution that I can achieve on my own. Sure, I can go to PPVI, I can take medications, have surgery and do all of those things (although I believe God has lead me to do all of that). But ultimately, it is up to God whether I conceive. It is up to Him whether all of those things I'm doing work. I know this and it has caused me to feel completely out of control. I know.. this is God we're talking about. It's not like I'm putting my fate in strangers' hands who don't have my best interest in mind. But still, it's difficult to wait every day knowing that it might not be in my best interest to ever get pregnant.

Anyways, I am completely aware that this is up to God and I am under no illusion that this is up to me, fate, karma, mother nature, the universe or anyone else. So... the problem lies in me trusting Him. I will either get pregnant or I won't, and He will decide which it is. I'm scared to death that His will is that I won't get pregnant. I know I've said this before, but I can't possibly wrap my mind around the possibility of being okay with never having biological children. Right now I feel like I will always be broken-hearted about it and I don't trust Him that He will protect me and bring me joy any other way. I think I know more than God about this, I guess. I think I know myself better, I know I will never be able to have joy, I know I will fight it, I know I will have a horrible life. This is obviously not the right way to think, and God obviously knows way more than me, but I'm not sure how to change it. I've tried just pretending to believe it, but that hasn't worked so far. I probably haven't tried hard enough.

My husband said I spend too much time thinking and worrying about all the possible outcomes. He's probably right, but as I told him, I can't not think about them. It doesn't take too much thought to come to the conclusion that I will either a)get pregnant soon, b)get pregnant years from now, c)adopt, or d) never have children. It's not like it took me months to come up with that. But he's right that I spend too much time worrying about which one it will be. It's just so hard! I feel like I'm on a game show and there are four doors in front of me, with each of those four outcomes behind a door. Which door will it be? Well, unfortunately I have to wait not just through the commercial break to find out, but indefinitely. I just have to sit there and wait. It could be a month until I find out my fate, or it could be ten years. I think that's one of the hardest parts.

Perhaps the most useful thing my husband told me last night has to do with suffering. He said I need to rejoice each day in what God has done for me, including (perhaps most importantly) that He has allowed me to share in the suffering of His son. He also said I need to ask God every single day "what next?" Like each day I need to be open to doing whatever God wants of me, like volunteering for His next instructions. So I'll try to do that. Rejoicing in suffering might seem like an odd concept to someone who has never heard it before, but I've prayed and read a fair amount about suffering since all this began and I understand the concept and definitely see the value in it. I guess I'm just not practicing what I preach.

So I've decided I need to focus on what I can hope for and accomplish in the next few months. I will focus on discovering as much information about my fertility health as possible. I need to find out what else is wrong, what my current hormone levels are, if I'm ovulating, if my new medication works. That information is attainable (hopefully) and is a great thing to put my effort into. My focus shouldn't be on getting pregnant. So I feel good about that.

Bad mood

I'm kind of in a rut today, just bummed out and feeling sorry for myself. I'm not even sure what to write in this post. I guess it's all of the boxes that are weighing me down. I'm so over the boxes. Not to mention things keep breaking. Our washer and dryer aren't working at the moment and it caused us to be in pretty bad moods tonight. It's hard because we just don't know enough to figure out what is wrong with them and we're really hoping we don't end up having to buy new ones, since they're only three years old. So not that God is up there focusing on our washer and dryer, but I prayed and gave it up to Him. So we'll see.

It's just that everything seems so hard and I feel very beat up by life right now. Why can't anything be easy? My husband was telling me a story today about an interview he heard on the radio about a father and son who each wrote books about the son's meth abuse and subsequent recovery. My husband said both father and son claim to be atheists, but spoke about how people always wanted them to find God during their difficult ordeal. The father talked about how at times he would cry out "please help my son" to no one in particular, but when the interviewer asked him if he was praying he said no, he was probably just hedging his bets. My husband's reaction was not only was he in fact praying (but probably didn't realize that his soul was crying out to its Creator), but that God answered his prayers! His son recovered and they are now doing interviews about books they wrote! How can they not see God's work in that? So as my husband is telling me this I immediately began thinking, God answered the prayers of a man who doesn't even believe in Him, yet isn't answering mine! I mean, doesn't the New Testament talk about the role of faith in healings and in answered prayers? I know I can't compare myself to others, and I'm obviously glad God helped that family (even if they don't recognize His role). But it's hard not to think these thoughts.

I just can't possibly understand why God would keep children from any couple. I just can't wrap my mind around it on so many levels. You enter into a marriage before God expecting to honor Him with children. Why would He not use us for this purpose? It doesn't make sense. I know these thoughts come and go and I'm trying not to have them run my life. But I think it's okay to voice them at times, especially in the context of this blog. It keeps me from crying and venting to my husband, which usually lasts a lot longer than it takes me to type this.

Maybe what set me off today is that I'm so sick of reading headlines about people who abuse and kill their babies. Today I read about how a mother left her two babies in a bathtub because American Idol was on and when one of her other kids went to check on them, one of the babies wasn't breathing. I believe the child survived (thanks be to God), but come on! How can God permit people like this to have so many children? I know that free will and original sin and all of that enters into it, but that doesn't make me feel any better.

So tomorrow will be full of emptying more boxes. I have to say that I can't complain too much because my wonderful husband has done the bulk of the work. We just have one bedroom packed full of boxes now, and our kitchen was taken over by boxes tonight when we emptied out our apartment's kitchen. When things are more set up and pictures and curtains are hung, I'm going to post some pictures here. I can't wait til we're all settled.

Waiting

Well I'm still trying to be positive, patient and hopeful! This, I guess, is when it's most important. It's easier to be patient when you're in the midst of fertile days. There's more going on, your charting everything, taking ovulation tests, looking for signs. Now I'm just waiting. Yesterday I was super positive for some reason. Just really happy and at peace with God's will. But today was a different story. I'm not mad at God or anything, but my mood definitely shifted and I'm a little more melancholy. It might be hormones.

On a side note, I am taking my temperature four times a day for a thyroid study the PPVI is having me do, and this morning my temp was up (it was the first day I was required to take it post peak). I guess that's pretty normal for post-ovulation and maybe another sign that I ovulated.

So I'm going to continue to keep my head up, even though I find myself having doubts about having hope from time to time, mainly how much more it might hurt if I don't get pregnant; honestly, I think I'm afraid I'll feel stupid for thinking it might actually happen. But I think the solution to that is to simply ignore those thoughts and push them out of my mind, change the subject. I'll be let down many times in my life, with or without hope. But if I trust in God, He will help me through it.

I know this analogy might sound silly, but I had an epiphany the other day when walking my dog. Sometimes she pees and comes back inside right away. Other times she drags me around forever. Usually I get really frustrated and pull her where I want her to "do her business," usually right around our apartment. But, in the end, she doesn't do it until she's ready. And if I fight her on it, it only takes longer and I wind up really mad. So the other day I just let go, let her pull me wherever she wanted and in the end, it took her less time than normal, I was happier, and not at all annoyed. My point (yes, there is a point here) is that I realized that's what I need to do with my infertility. Let go, loosen up, give up control, let God lead me where He wants me to go, even if I think I know a quicker way. In the end, I will be much less frustrated, I will find peace, and I will meet an end result that I will be happy with - and I will look back on it and think, "I should have done that sooner!"

Questions about prayer

Today I'm on cycle day 16. I've had six peak mucus days and the ovulation tests have been positive for the last three days. I still think this is a good sign because usually on CD 16 I am just beginning my "fertile" days. I've also had some pain in my lower abdomen the last two days. So far this cycle kind of appears semi-normal, but we'll see how it goes from here.

So as this cycle progresses, I've been doing a lot of praying and thinking. I've been stuck on something the last few days: I pray to God on a daily basis asking Him to allow me to become pregnant and have a child, but if He already has a plan for us, can we change His mind? And if we are supposed to accept His will for us, is it disobedient to keep asking Him for something that may or may not be His will? How can we accept and continue to keep asking at the same time?

I started thinking about this when I was praying a novena to St. Anthony. I was struck by the wording and the confidence with which you ask St. Anthony to obtain your intention for you. Here's a sample:

Animated now with the most lively confidence, even with full conviction of not being refused, I fly for refuge to thee...

I love that confidence and it really helps me to have hope that my request will be granted. I was always taught that we can present a request to God and if He thinks it's beneficial to our soul, He may grant it. But then if God already has it all planned out, does that mean He is open to changes? Is God persuaded by a really good argument?

Let's pretend, hypothetically, that God's will for me is that I never get pregnant. So am I wasting my time praying for a pregnancy? I know the benefits of prayer in general and getting a "yes" answer isn't the only reason to pray. But it just seems like a lot of time is spent asking for certain things and if we weren't able to change God's will, then why would so many people bother? Ahhh! This is so confusing!!

Here's a really bad analogy: Let's say I really wanted a certain gift from my parents for my birthday. I know they already bought me my present, which they really put a lot of thought into. I don't know what their present is, but I still ask them every day for a certain item I really want, which may or may not be the item they already bought me. Isn't it rude to keep asking them for this item, knowing they've already purchased a present and did it with my best interest in mind? But if I made a good argument for what I really wanted, why it would be ideal for me to have (and not selfish, mundane reasons, but that this present would make me a better person and a better daughter), would they take the first present back (assuming it wasn't already what I was asking for) and buy me what I wanted? My parents may, but I know them much better than I know God. He is still a big mystery to me for the most part, but I know He loves us and hears us.

There's probably an established Catholic teaching on this, but I'm not sure where to look. I posed this question to my poor husband and he seemed to understand it and have an answer but I couldn't make sense of what he was saying. Maybe I'll ask my question on EWTN's apologist forum. I'm definitely going to pray about it.

Sorry if this is confusing. Please share your thoughts on this if you have any!

His perfect will

Since my husband and I have moved to our new state, we've been amazed at how many there are of one thing in particular: vanity plates. You can get one for just $10.00, and apparently a lot of Virginians find that offer hard to pass up. And I mean a lot. We are constantly trying to decipher them, imagining scenarios by which the car owner would pick such a plate, and we even report back to each other on annoying ones we've spotted. Well, today as I was driving I noticed a plate in front of me that read ROMI2 2. As always, I felt like this was a sign (assuming it wasn't for someone named Romi who likes the number 2). When I got home I looked up Romans chapter 12, verse 2 and found this:

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Let me just attempt to explain how perfect this passage is for me right now. As I've previously posted, I underwent a conversion about three years ago. I have always been Catholic, but had drifted away and this conversion brought me back. At some point in the last few days something made me start thinking about my conversion and whether I had really changed. I had certainly changed in some concrete ways - I attend Mass every Sunday, go to confession, was commissioned as a lay minister - but I started to wonder, is my heart truly different? Do I convey Christ to others? Would my friends and family say I've changed for the better? I'm not sure. So I had been thinking about this lately and had begun to feel that little tug. You know, that little tug on your soul when God decides to put something on your heart, when suddenly everywhere you turn someone's talking about that something, EWTN is doing a special about it, it's the focus of the homily at Mass that week. I knew God was calling me to continue my conversion, which is supposed to be a lifelong process anyway. But I wasn't sure yet how it fit into my infertility struggle (because, after all, doesn't everything have to do with infertility?).

Then I saw this license plate. The first part of this verse really speaks to my ongoing conversion and what I've been thinking about this week: Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. It's exactly what has been on my mind lately! The next part of the verse ties into infertility and something else I constantly struggle with: Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is. When I saw that it had to do with God's will, I knew I was meant to see it.

So perhaps becoming less of the world will help me become more in tune with - and accepting of - God's will. As I've said before, I like instructions and have a difficult time with someone simply telling me to accept God's will. Maybe this is God's way of letting me know how to actually get to that point.

The last part of the verse is my favorite - his good, pleasing and perfect will. Let's just think about this for a moment. Infertility is God's good, pleasing and perfect will for me and my husband. What a thought! Surprisingly, it doesn't make me angry or bitter, but happy and peaceful (okay, but I have to admit I still hope pregnancy is His will for me. I'm not that good yet!). Knowing that His will - whatever that may be - is always good, pleasing and perfect makes accepting it a little bit easier. It's just another reminder that He loves us so much and His will would never be to bring us harm. Now I just have to remember that on my depressed-and-at-the-complete-end-of-my-rope days.

What I've learned so far this Lent

My first 15 minutes of silent prayer went well yesterday (although after I finished my post I completely forgot that I had just written that I was going to pray and only remembered after checking email and a few websites). I had a nun (actually a sister, but for the sake of not confusing it with one of my biological sisters, I'll call her a nun) instruct me once to sit in a chair with my feet planted firmly on the ground and close my eyes. So I do this, and then ask God to speak to my heart. It's sometimes hard at first because I like to fidget, but I usually calm down after a few minutes and then the time flies. Between yesterday and today I think I had a few good topics come up while I prayed. I'll share them here from time to time, for no other reason than so I can reflect on them and perhaps they'll help someone else as well.

Yesterday, while in prayer, I think God was trying to get me to examine my motives for wanting a pregnancy. Now, I know He knows I want to raise up children to worship Him, because I have told him this a hundred times. I don't think He thinks my heart is entirely in the wrong place. But I do think He is questioning this immense desire for so-called joy that I say I have. You know, that feeling of complete happiness and accomplishment and celebration that we see others experience and we feel left out? I think the Super Bowl first brought it to mind, just imagining how it must feel the night of a Super Bowl win. Then I thought about it again while watching American Idol, the complete joy the contestants who get a yellow ticket to Hollywood must feel. I think seeing a positive pregnancy test would feel that way, and lately I've begun to covet that feeling. Not that there's anything wrong with joy or being happy about a pregnancy; of course God longs for us to be joyful and learning of a pregnancy has been a joyful time for people throughout history. But it's the coveting of that feeling where I go wrong. I obsess over it, imagine what it must feel like, feel sorry for myself that it appears unattainable, jealous of those who experience it in any form. This is where it goes from actual joy to a worldly desire for pleasure. I think God is trying to get me back on track. Like I said, He knows my intentions are pure for the most part, but this infertility thing can mess with your head. Plus, I think He wants to remind me that joy is there for the taking and I don't need a pregnancy to experience it. Right now that is a hard pill to swallow, but deep down I know it's true. I just can't seem to figure out how to feel it right now.

I've also been trying to focus on trusting in God's will. Along with working on having patience this Lent, I am also going to try to trust God. I had an insight into this the other day while brushing my dog Sophie's hair. She's a Lhasa Apso (the ones in the dog shows who have hair all the way to the ground..it must be a full-time job to keep up with that) and for the past three years I haven't been good about brushing her hair and she always becomes all matted and then we have to take her to get shaved. So I'm trying something new and brushing her hair every day or so. For the most part she must like it because she sits still, but the other day I must have hit a knot because she went nuts. She immediately jumped up, barked at me and showed me her teeth to which I replied, "Sophie, I'm doing this for you!" I realized that, obviously, she can't possibly understand that I have her best interest in mind. Her reaction comes from an inability to trust me in this situation. Well, I immediately thought of how this parallels my own problems with God. Infertility is causing me pain and I blame Him for this. Why? Because I don't trust Him. If I trusted Him I would take the pain because I know He has my overall best interest in mind. But, just like Sophie, I growl and bark at Him because of a lack of trust. I know this is something I need to work on and so I'm going to try to pray something simple this Lent that is second nature to Catholics but I, for one, don't really mean it: Thy will be done. Maybe if I pray it with my head, my heart will follow.

This is kind of a hodge-podge post, and I know this is getting long, but I wanted to include a story of something that happened last night at Ash Wednesday Mass. I had to go alone because my husband works nights and I went to a church closer to our house, instead of where we normally go. The place was packed; I had to park on the road a distance away and had to stand, along with dozens of others, in the back of the church. At the end of the homily the priest announced that high school students were going to assist in handing out the ashes. When I reached the front of the line a high school boy put his hand to my forehead and proceeded to absolutely drench me in ashes. I felt them all over my nose. I watched them fall onto my shirt. As I turned to walk back I put my hand to my nose only to realize I had probably just smudged a small portion of what was covering my face. I put my head down (of course I had worn my hair in a pony tail so there was no hiding) and I felt like people were staring and I swear I heard laughing (I'm sure I didn't really, but it's amazing what your mind can do). Let me just say, too, that I'm not someone who likes to show off their ashes. I've heard the debate about whether people who like to wear their ashes should go to an evening Mass, while those who are embarrassed of them should go in the morning. I would definitely be someone who should go in the morning, because it would truly be a penance for me to wear them all day, worrying if people were looking at and judging me. So while walking back I immediately began to think that God must have done this to me because He knows I don't like them and was trying to teach me humility. Well, if so, it worked. But then I began to think that my huge amount of ashes must be proportionate to the amount of sin I've committed this past year. Kind of like coal in your stocking at Christmas, God was showing the world, or at least this packed parish, that this woman was really bad. Finally I reached the back of the church and kept walking, looking for a bathroom. I found it, prayed no one would look at me as I entered, and luckily found an open stall just inside the door. I closed the stall door behind me, whipped out a compact with mirror and saw the horror - it was pretty bad. I wiped it all off, tried to wipe off my shirt, and calmly walked out to the sink area. As I was washing my hands, a woman walked in laughing - with ashes all over her face! She was complaining about the high school boy who did it when another pretty young girl heard her and said that was why she was in the bathroom too. So I chimed in, and immediately felt better. So maybe it wasn't some big lesson about what a horrible person I am! But then again, there are probably a few lessons in there somewhere.