God's grace

For most of my life, I knew I was going to have twin girls. I was sure of it. There was nothing you could have said to change my mind.

I'm honestly not sure where this started, whether I dreamed it as a child, felt it come to me while in prayer, or whether some weird spirit game we played in junior high "revealed" it to me (did you do this too, or was it just in my messed-up small town? Pretty scary, now that I think about it). All I know is that I've been sure of it since I was a child. I even had their names picked out.. several different times. If you knew me, you knew that I knew I would have twin girls. Yes, I was pretty vocal about it because, mainly, I constantly talked about being a mother. Go figure.

Anyways, this "feeling" has obviously dissipated since the onset of my infertility, to say the least. It actually now seems silly, naive, a reminder of the innocent me back when I believed first came se.x, then came babies. I resent that person. Twins? Two babies? It just seems so ridiculous.

Well, for some reason, my twin girls came to mind today. Not because I suddenly have some feeling I'm going to have twins, but because it occured to me, out of the blue, that maybe, just maybe, I can attempt to muster up that same sort of confidence again. After all, doesn't God want us to approach our faith like little children? Little, innocent children who think that they're going to have twin girls.

This feeling happens to come at a time when I am feeling a great sense of peace about infertility. Because I am what I would consider an infertility veteran at this point, I am well aware that this feeling could be gone tomorrow. You never know. But I've come to appreciate any moments of peace, understanding, joy, trust, or patience that God gives me.

I'm pretty tired so this might not make much sense, but lately I've had this feeling that the experience of infertility is actually a calling. Now, I know that this is a concept explored by many before. I, myself, have written about it. But the difference now is that the feeling isn't coming from my head, but rather from my heart. I'm not wishing I could feel this way, I actually do feel this way. I'm not sure how to explain it, other than to say that lately I have felt like infertility could actually be looked at as a positive thing; like that God has chosen me for it and is allowing me to experience this and feel this way. If I look at it from that perspective, I should feel blessed that I have been picked by God to experience something that requires me to drastically change my way of thinking. He knows better than me, of course, and through this time of loss I am forced to re-examine my life and follow Him much more closely. It's safe to say I'd be a very different person if not for infertility.

I also have begun to feel more and more like God's plan for me might actually be better than I could have imagined. Now, I'm sure I'll have many down times in the coming months when this concept might not sit as well with me (it's best to be realistic about these things). But for the time being, I choose to trust in Him.

I'd like to think this new sense of peace is a grace from God. I believe He is allowing me to see things differently and to have greater insight (honestly, I did recently pray for greater understanding. I forgot I prayed for that until right now. Funny how that happens!). For some reason, God decided to bless me in this way at this point in my journey. Why? I'm not sure. Just add it to the list of mysteries.

This is not to say that I'm suddenly fine with my barreness. Not at all. I still have moments of weakness when I feel jealousy, or question God. But the noticeable difference comes when I'm all alone. When I'm alone and I'm left to my own thoughts, that's when I would normally enter into despair. Instead, I now feel a sense of peace about it in those moments. I feel like I can wait. And I am starting to get the feeling that I should have more than hope - more like confidence - that I'll have a biological child, much like I use to think about having my twin girls. I'd like to think God is putting this on my heart because He is preparing me for a pregnancy, but I'm not going to assume. I'm going to take each day as it comes and try to please God as much as I can no matter what happens.