Positive ovulation test

It's day 19 and I just got my first positive ovulation test for this cycle. So that's not ideal, since it's not the "perfect" day 14, but it's also not bad. I'm not worried. I'd be worried if I didn't get a positive test at all! I also woke up with cramps, but I'm not sure if that has to do with ovulation because it was on both sides. It might be due to my medication, which is still making me super drowsy.

Last night I was feeling frustrated so I talked to my husband about it and realized my problem isn't with turning this over to God. I've already done that. My problem is with putting my trust in God. I know I've turned it over to His will because that's part of the reason I'm so frustrated. This problem has no solution that I can achieve on my own. Sure, I can go to PPVI, I can take medications, have surgery and do all of those things (although I believe God has lead me to do all of that). But ultimately, it is up to God whether I conceive. It is up to Him whether all of those things I'm doing work. I know this and it has caused me to feel completely out of control. I know.. this is God we're talking about. It's not like I'm putting my fate in strangers' hands who don't have my best interest in mind. But still, it's difficult to wait every day knowing that it might not be in my best interest to ever get pregnant.

Anyways, I am completely aware that this is up to God and I am under no illusion that this is up to me, fate, karma, mother nature, the universe or anyone else. So... the problem lies in me trusting Him. I will either get pregnant or I won't, and He will decide which it is. I'm scared to death that His will is that I won't get pregnant. I know I've said this before, but I can't possibly wrap my mind around the possibility of being okay with never having biological children. Right now I feel like I will always be broken-hearted about it and I don't trust Him that He will protect me and bring me joy any other way. I think I know more than God about this, I guess. I think I know myself better, I know I will never be able to have joy, I know I will fight it, I know I will have a horrible life. This is obviously not the right way to think, and God obviously knows way more than me, but I'm not sure how to change it. I've tried just pretending to believe it, but that hasn't worked so far. I probably haven't tried hard enough.

My husband said I spend too much time thinking and worrying about all the possible outcomes. He's probably right, but as I told him, I can't not think about them. It doesn't take too much thought to come to the conclusion that I will either a)get pregnant soon, b)get pregnant years from now, c)adopt, or d) never have children. It's not like it took me months to come up with that. But he's right that I spend too much time worrying about which one it will be. It's just so hard! I feel like I'm on a game show and there are four doors in front of me, with each of those four outcomes behind a door. Which door will it be? Well, unfortunately I have to wait not just through the commercial break to find out, but indefinitely. I just have to sit there and wait. It could be a month until I find out my fate, or it could be ten years. I think that's one of the hardest parts.

Perhaps the most useful thing my husband told me last night has to do with suffering. He said I need to rejoice each day in what God has done for me, including (perhaps most importantly) that He has allowed me to share in the suffering of His son. He also said I need to ask God every single day "what next?" Like each day I need to be open to doing whatever God wants of me, like volunteering for His next instructions. So I'll try to do that. Rejoicing in suffering might seem like an odd concept to someone who has never heard it before, but I've prayed and read a fair amount about suffering since all this began and I understand the concept and definitely see the value in it. I guess I'm just not practicing what I preach.

So I've decided I need to focus on what I can hope for and accomplish in the next few months. I will focus on discovering as much information about my fertility health as possible. I need to find out what else is wrong, what my current hormone levels are, if I'm ovulating, if my new medication works. That information is attainable (hopefully) and is a great thing to put my effort into. My focus shouldn't be on getting pregnant. So I feel good about that.