Annoyed

Here are the thoughts on replay in my brain:

1. I'm not going to get pregnant this month, or the next, or the next. I may never get pregnant.

2. Nothing ever goes right for me/us. Why can't we just have something little to be excited about?

3. I am afraid something else is wrong with me that we don't know about yet. So far 50 million separate things have caused me to be infertile (endometriosis, PCOS, high prolactin, thyroid issues, you name it), so the odds are there is more that we have yet to discover.

4. #3 leads me to feel sorry for myself. Why can't I just have ONE thing wrong? Wouldn't that be enough????

5. I want to be happy for Christmas.

6. It's way too early in my cycle to be depressed. Usually that doesn't really set in until the fourth week or so.

7. But I have every reason to be depressed every single second of every day. Sadness is my default emotion, and when I'm happy I wonder what is going on with my hormones!

8. I know I already said it but I REALLY need something to go our way.

9. My husband did not get laid off. I guess that could be viewed as something that went our way, but the fact that we even had to (have to) worry about that at all is depressing.

10. I'm fine, I really am. I just needed to vent. I just want things to change. I want this dark cloud over my life to lift. I want to be happy all the time, with moments of sadness when they are warranted, not the other way around.

I know God is with us, and I know I will live no matter what happens. I'm sorry for feeling sorry for myself and complaining. I know I am blessed in many ways. I'm trying to remember that.

Sad

I'm having a hard time today. It's just extra painful sometimes, you know?

Anyways, I just wanted to check in quick. It's cycle day nine, I think. The good news so far is that my spotting has been less this month, like we had hoped. I only had one day of it following my period. And for the first time in a year I used a green sticker on day seven. I had my first day of mucus yesterday on day eight, so it's looking pretty normal so far. Normal as in healthy-person normal.

I'm not sure when I'll get my blood work results. Tomorrow will be a week since I had it drawn, so I'm guessing by the end of this week. I'm trying to prepare myself for bad news, but I don't think you can adequately prepare for that, so why even try? I know bad results won't mean it's over, but it will still be difficult to hear. Last time my doctor called me himself, so I hope he does that again in case I have questions.

I'll just keep plugging along, I guess. Deal with it. Our first home study meeting is tomorrow, so at least I'll have that, although it's not helping me to feel better right now. Oh well. I'll let you know how it goes.

Making the most of a bad mood

Things can change so quickly. One second I'm in a fabulous mood having made a few great sale purchases this afternoon (including a pair of pants at G.ap for $4.97! What's not to be happy about that?) and then the next second I am down in the dumps. I'm in one of those 'why me?' moods, which is always fun.

But...I am going to use this as a learning experience. It's a great chance to put into action everything that I always talk about - trusting in God, drawing closer to Him, using suffering as an opportunity for growth. I always seem to talk about these things when I'm in a great mood and conveniently forget them when I'm depressed. It usually goes a little like this: Whoa is me. I'm so sad. I can't think straight. I can't do anything but sit here and think of all the bad things about my life, mainly that I'm BARREN. And I'm ugly and no one loves me.*

You get my point. So instead of falling into that rut, I am going to go into the office and get my Bible. Any time now. As soon as I finish this typing this. And, no, I'm not putting it off by posting about suffering well instead of actually suffering well. Okay, here I go. I'll update my progress shortly.

Update: Well I already feel better, even though I put off reading the Bible for about two hours (I did hem some pants, though). I calmed down as soon as I decided to view my suffering as an opportunity, rather than a curse. What a great chance to just crawl humbly to God and beg for His help. Knowing myself, if things were going great and moving right along like I wanted, I probably would forget all about God. Of course I'd still go to Mass, but without deep suffering, I'd probably never approach Him like I need to now.

I basically just skimmed through the Bible, but it did help. I always try to find something I can relate to infertility (big surprise). Tonight, something that struck me were all the healing stories in the Gospels. I've read these many, many times before, always selfishly looking for some clue to bring about my own healing, of course. What I realized tonight, though, (and I know this is obvious, but sometimes it's the obvious thing that pops out to you in a new way) is that it all comes back to faith. Every single healing story is about faith.

Now, I'm definitely not saying if I try harder to reach some level of superior faith that I'll get pregnant; my healing may come as spiritual or emotional healing. I just feel like I have not fully prepared myself to be open to God's healing powers, no matter what form they come in. I still want things my way. I don't have faith that God's path is the right way. Deep down, I think I sometimes wonder if God has just forgotten about me and my life has veered off in the wrong direction while He wasn't watching. Not until I trust that He has purposely laid out this path for me, and that He has blessed it and is walking it with me, will I be able to say I truly have faith. Right now, I know this in my head, but it hasn't sunk in to my heart just yet.

It's just something to ponder.

*Speaking of no one loving me...If, in the heat of battle, you tell someone you hate them, should you go to confession before you take communion again? Someone I know said it in a fight because their hormones were going nuts and obviously didn't mean it, even though they told the other person they did, in fact, mean it. They actually love their husband very, very much. I'm serious, though. Is this a mortal sin? This person does plan to go to confession very soon. They promise.

Infertility myth busting

Well things have been busy lately. My husband's birthday was Monday and we've been to two Mets games in two days and are planning a third for next week. Let's just say I'm not too happy with them and I'm really hoping we don't see a third loss next Tuesday. I won't say anything more about it because I'm still pretty depressed, but it is nice to be depressed about something much more trivial than infertility for once!

That's not to say my infertility-related depression has lessened, because it has not. Actually, I feel a little better this morning, but other than that, it has been going strong for almost two weeks now. I'd like to think it is hormones, especially because the last few days I've also had a mild, yet constant, feeling of anxiety. No reason for it, it's just there. The only thing I can possibly relate the anxiety to, and I'm still guessing here, is my husband's birthday. It made me realize I'll also be turning 32 in less than four months and that seems really old. Like almost-half-way-to-forty old. And it's not getting old in and of itself that causes me anxiety (well, a little), it's getting old when we still have no children. Never in my life did I think I'd be this age without kids. Never did I think I'd be an "old" parent. The other part of that is, I don't feel old. At all. I actually still feel like a kid, in part, I think, because we don't have any of our own.

I've also been thinking a lot lately about the negative thoughts that are on constant repeat in my brain. I've just been letting them run wild and I'm pretty sure they've been contributing to my demise. When I actually stop and think about what I'm thinking about, it often turns out the thoughts are either untrue, misinformed, or just plain screwed-up logic.

Since they are probably the very same thoughts that some of you have from time to time, I thought I'd lay them all out and debunk them.

Myth #1

If other people who get pregnant consider themselves blessed, then my lack of a pregnancy must mean that I'm un-blessed.

Alright, I'm not sure 'un-blessed' is a word, but you get my point. It seems like every time I read about a pregnancy on a blog, or hear about one in real life for that matter, the mother-to-be refers to it as a blessing. I'm not saying a pregnancy is not a blessing; of course it is! But you know how sometimes a child will get jealous when their sibling is praised by their parents and they're not? Like the lack of praise makes them feel like they're being told they're not good? Well, that's kind of how I feel. When others are given 'praise' from God, or blessings in the form of a pregnancy, it makes me feel like I'm not worthy of praise, which makes me feel like I must be doing something wrong.

We all know that a parent's praise of one sibling doesn't necessarily have any reflection on another sibling's behavior, and I know how messed up my logic is. At least a kid has the excuse of being, well, a kid! I'm a grown up and I still feel this way. I should be able to see that our parent, God, is able to bestow blessings upon others without it being a reflection on me. Just as our siblings received birthday presents on their birthdays and we sat and watched (I actually never had a problem with that as a kid!), I should observe others receiving 'presents' from God in the same way. It is their time, not mine. And I receive blessings in other forms that they may not. Although, they may even receive the very same blessings as me on top of their 'big' blessing, and that should be fine too!

It should all come back to the idea that God's plan for me is His plan for me. No one else. His plan is perfect and my lack of a pregnancy is part of that. Their blessings, their children, their good fortune has nothing to do with me. One is not contingent on the other. My lack of a pregnancy for so many, many, many years (kidding) could play a super important role later in life, or I may never know the reason until, God willing, I reach eternity. But we have to trust that if He loves us more than we can imagine, if He has the ability to make anything happen, and is not making this happen, then there must be an AMAZING reason.

Myth #2

If I trust God, I will get pregnant.

I should trust God. I know this. Everyone tells me to trust God with this whole infertility thing, and it is one of my most often repeated mantras. But the notion can easily become misconstrued in my brain to mean if I trust God I will get pregnant.

Now, no one really says this in so many words, but I do think some people believe it and imply it. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the story 'As soon as I gave everything over to God I got pregnant that very month!' All stories like that do is make me feel more like a failure. I think I'm trusting God, but a pregnancy still alludes me, so I must be doing something wrong; my version of trust must not be right. Or - Oh, if I could only trust God the right way, then He'd answer my prayers! These thoughts are just plain wrong.

Trusting God is not some easy way out; it's not some golden ticket to answered prayers. I should trust God, but not because trusting Him means I will conceive. That's not the way it works. I need to trust God because He is our all-knowing creator and wants the best for us, and I should trust Him no matter what His plan, no matter what the outcome. In a way, you could say I need to trust God even more so if a pregnancy doesn't happen, because then in my confusion and despair I will really, truly need to rely on Him.

I also shouldn't worry whether I am trusting 'the wrong way' or 'the right way.' If we approach God with an open heart and ask Him to help us trust, I believe He will help us. I don't think we need to waste too much time worrying about the degree of our trust. After all, He doesn't want us to spend time worrying about anything.

The need to trust in a situation like infertility is critical. The advice given to us to trust the Lord is sound advice. But we just can't let ourselves twist it around to mean something else, which will only make us more upset in the end.

Myth #3

If I embrace the cross, I won't feel sad.

Ever since the notion of embracing the cross was first introduced to me, I've been attempting to do it. It sounds great on the surface - anything that will lessen my pain and suffering and bring me joy sounds fantastic. I don't want to cry and moan, so bring on the cross! But because it's not as easy as literally hugging a life-size cross for a certain amount of time each day in my living room, I've been kind of lost with exactly what it means. I'm not very good with these somewhat abstract ideas.

So I tried my best. I thought long and hard about it. I asked God to help me. I tried to change my heart and be more positive. I watched my thoughts and what came out of my mouth about infertility. At one point I felt as if I had arrived - I was embracing the cross and even felt a sense of peace. Then bam! I suddenly felt myself slipping into a depression a few weeks ago. But I'm embracing the cross, I cried. I shouldn't feel sad!

I was sure I had failed. Either I had stopped embracing or had never truly embraced it to begin with. But I knew in my heart I still trusted, I was still embracing, so what had gone wrong?

The truth is, embracing the cross doesn't mean the suffering ends. It actually means quite the opposite: We are opening ourselves up to the same suffering Christ so fully exemplified for us on the Cross. He embraced his cross, but did that make it easier? No! He downright suffered. He carried that heavy cross, battered and beaten, and he died a horrible death. He suffered physically as well as emotionally, as everyone screamed at him, taunted him, humiliated him. By embracing it, he endured it for a higher purpose. We can imagine that it brought him a sense of peace, but it did not make the mocking any less painful, the nails any less excruciating. It is how we endure the pain and suffering that makes the difference. When we embrace the cross we experience the pain, but we are assured it is meaningful. We are telling God that we are willing to die to ourselves, on our cross, to live wholly for Him.

When we embrace the cross we will still feel sad, and the depression may come and go. I think it is during those down times that we really need to stick close to our cross and remember that it is how we suffer that is important. We can cry, but we shouldn't feel self-pity. We can pray, ask our Lady and the saints for assistance, and even cry out to God. But we shouldn't give up, we shouldn't turn our backs on Him and lose trust altogether. It's going to be hard, and for some it may be harder than for others, but He is always there to help us through it.

In the end, I need to remember that getting pregnant is not up to me. I can't earn it. I can't will it to happen. I can ask God for it, but it is not a reward to be given to the deserving. I also can't cause it to not happen. I can't lessen my chances of conceiving and I can't do something wrong in the eyes of God to leave me infertile. Pregnancy is not only for the skilled pray-ers or the really devout. Bad people get pregnant and so do good people, atheists, murderers and saints. And just the same, there are people in every imagineable category who are infertile as well. Those who have graduated from infertility into pregnancy have not found some special key to unlock some magical door. And if that turns out to be us some day, that does not mean that we, too, have found the right combination of words, novenas, or actions to finally deem us worthy of a pregnancy.

Infertility can really play with our heads. It leaves us questioning our every action, doubting our value, and doubting God. But the truth is that our future is God's perfect plan for us, created out of love. And that's all that matters.

Another day

Well, sometimes you just need to vent. In the end, though, it doesn't help much, does it? I mean, it might make you temporarily feel better but it doesn't increase our chances of getting pregnant, that's for sure. I feel bad today for yesterday's negativity. I wish I was stronger, but I'm not.

I will live. I will have to work harder to accept God's plan for my life, a plan that has so far been drastically different than my own. If I can do my best here on earth, I will receive my reward in Heaven, I suppose.

What I need to focus on is that I may have biological children right now if I had rejected my Church's teaching and had undergone certain treatments. That may sound odd - why should I focus on that? Well, that empowers me. I am proud to be a member of a Church that recognizes the value of every human life, as well as the importance of not adding a third party to the sacred nature of the marital union or substituting it altogether. By focusing on this, I see God's greater plan and I find consolation in His plan for me. I would love to one day be a witness, along with my husband, whether or not we get our "miracle." I use to plead with God, "It'd be a much better witness if my story ends with a pregnancy!" but now I can see it being a strong witness either way: 1) We followed Church teaching and ended up with a pregnancy through approved treatments or, 2) We followed Church teaching and never got pregnant; instead of making the choice of instant gratification and a baby at all costs, we chose to follow the beautiful teachings our Church has so thoughtfully laid out for us and actually found joy through that decision. When I think about doing this for God and that my suffering is for Him, I feel better. It gives my suffering value.

It's not easy being a Catholic and going through infertility. So many of you know that, I know! I find joy in your stories as well, every time I read your comments and posts it is so evident you love the Lord so much and how you obey the beautiful teachings of the Church is so wonderful. You inspire me each and every day.

Also, thank you for all your kind comments and prayers. You all have helped me in ways you will never know.

I also want to post some of the things I am thankful for today, instead of my complaints like yesterday, so here goes:

I am thankful for...

• my husband
• my family
• my animals
• my home
• my friends
• my health
• my family's health
• the Eucharist
• my doctor
• NaPro doctors and all Catholic doctors
• living in a day and age when we have treatment options in line with Church teaching
• being able to stay home and work on my movies
• my weight loss

There is so much more, of course, but I will leave it at that for now.

Down

Well it has been a bad day. Actually, it's pretty much been a bad month. I had been doing so well through the spring and summer that this has caught me by surprise. I just so desperately want to be okay with not having biological children and I currently feel so very far from being okay with that.

I'm pretty much inconsolable at the moment. I'm depressed about my infertility. I'm depressed about not having peace with my infertility. I'm depressed about having to adopt. I'm depressed about not being okay with adoption. Here are just some of the thoughts currently swirling around in my mind:

• I have no idea how I'm going to be able to live the rest of my life like this.
• If I have to suffer through infertility, then why can't God just open my heart to adoption?
• I can't have kids AND I can't eat good food.
• It's just not fair.
• I am not as good as women who can get pregnant.
• I will never experience something that "those" women are able to, and often take for granted.
• I can't believe I am missing out on one of the fundamental things in the life of a human being.
• I just want to be normal.
• I just want to experience a pregnancy. Just once.

Uggghhh! I am so not a saint! Could you imagine what St. Therese would think of me if she were here today? Probably what all of you are thinking - that I'm a complainer!

I'm just having such a hard time right now and I am finding it very difficult to pull myself out of this. Nothing helps me anymore, not even success stories. Some people get pregnant on Clomid. Some people get pregnant after removing their endometriosis. Some people get pregnant after starting a diet. Some people get pregnant after starting met. For me, every treatment, every medication comes and goes, and I'm still in the same boat. Sure, I haven't been on the met too long, but it seems like people who do get pregnant on it get pregnant shortly after starting it. I just remember my doctor really seemed to imply that fixing my ovaries would be an uphill battle. They way he described them as slow, and the way he implied that my late progesterone rise was kind of rare, has really stuck with me since the appointment. I know my chances aren't good and I'm angry.

Oh ya, it's also cycle day one. That really has nothing to do with my feelings (other than maybe it has affected my hormones) because I honestly don't have a shot at being pregnant from month to month, but it's always a nice reminder of my failure as a human being.

Come to Jesus

Well we had a busy weekend. We had friends and family in town for the nas.car race today. It was actually supposed to be last night, until the big bad tropical storm threatened to destroy the state of Virginia as we know it and forced the postponement of the race til today. Last night turned out to be a gorgeous night. So, instead of watching the race on a beautiful September evening, I got sun-burned this afternoon. Oh well. It was my first nas.car experience and it was fun. Loud, but fun. And hot.

I've been doing better lately, but that's probably because everyone has been here the past few days. I wasn't doing so hot before they arrived. I've been feeling sad, I assume, due to the four-year anniversary and because I've been having moments where all of a sudden I realize I may never have biological children. Don't you hate that? It's not the first time it has happened. The thoughts just sneak up on you - I could be watching t.v. or lying in bed - and all of a sudden - BAM! - it becomes crystal clear that I may never see our own genetic child. It's like all along it had been possible that this was just a dream and in that moment I realize it is definitely not. Weird.

I don't mean to be a downer. And I also want to add that despite my saddness, I still trust God. His plan is best for me, even if it hurts. In my bad times I am trying to remind myself of what was said in my mother's dream. When my mother was surprised to see me holding a baby, my grandmother told her "don't worry." We are currently saying our second novena to the Infant of Prague, and I wholly trust that He will take care of me.

Before I go, I wanted to share something that I came upon just now. Maybe it will help someone else who is struggling tonight. I absolutely love this song and it makes me cry every time.

Tough time

I'm not doing well today. It is hard to live in a world where the reality is that not everyone is excited about being pregnant. The idea that someone could see a pregnancy as a burden, a punishment, an inconvenience, a negative, is just too much for me to bear. I know others have problems too, and they could be suffering just as much as me for an opposite reason (I'm surprised I can even admit that right now), but I can't help that it makes me feel like I've been punched in the gut.

I'm also SO sick of pregnancy and birth announcements. I know that's not the kind thing to say, but I'm sorry. Sometimes you can take it and sometimes you can't.

My mood today is that I want to beg and plead with God to take this from me. I'm desperate. I know feeling and acting this way this doesn't help. Hopefully it will pass.

It's been a long road. I'm thankful that my good days now outnumber my bad, but a couple bad days a month are still incredibly hard. Will it be like this for the rest of my life? Will I be out of commission once a month? Will I always be caught off-guard by pregnancy announcements? Will it always sting? I can't imagine it not.

The reality is this is my life. I have been unable to get pregnant thus far. I am one of those women. No one plans for this. And on a side note, I hate hearing little kids being told they can achieve anything the want if they just put their minds to it. That's not true! If I ever am blessed enough to have children I will not be teaching them that lesson. Some things are unattainable and there's no use lying to them and putting those unrealistic expectations in their heads. Although I guess the joke is on me. Most people can acheive anything they want. Most people aren't infertile.

Please, God, help me to carry this cross. It is really heavy right now.

::

On a different topic, can I just say how thoroughly digusted I am by the liberal media? I'm always disgusted, but now it has risen to a new level. Oh. My. Goodness. Just when you think it can't get any lower or any more obvious. The dems are so scared of Palin helping McCain and the excitement her pick has created among Conservatives, that they have managed to completely wrangle the media (not that they're not always on their side) into trashing her twenty-four hours a day. I have had more than enough! All I want to do is watch the news because it's the start of the convention, but I can't escape the attacks. Well, they should be happy, because they've done a wonderful job of turning our attention towards exactly what they wanted. Her daughter's pregnant. She wasn't vetted enough. Have you heard her daughter's pregnant? And that the media doesn't believe she was vetted enough? (Because, you know, if the media doesn't know something is happening then it must not have really happened! Kind of like, if a tree falls and no one hears it, does it make a sound? I guess if the media doesn't hear it, then no!). It's so clear that they all FREAKED out on Friday and decided to put this little attack plan into motion (as my friend put it during Palin's speech on Friday, "Obama must be throwing up right now.").

Of course it's not a surprise that the dems would try this. It's politics. But I am just so saddened by the degree to which the media* goes along and gives it credence. I mean, the New York Times ran three anti-Palin stories on the front page! I know, I know. They've always been liberal. They'll always be liberal. So why am surprised? I don't know. It just shocks me every time. They're all shameful.

Here's a quote on this very topic from Newt Gingrich:

The media has figured out that she’s the greatest threat since Clarence Thomas because a conservative, professional, woman who’s attractive is an absolute mortal threat to the left’s ability to define and legitimize American politics and they’re going to come after her with everything they can get.

Okay. I feel a little better now.

Update - I hear Fred Thompson's speech is going to stick up for Palin. If it's true, I can't wait! I also heard a pollster say that American's don't like when the media attacks someone, especially when they relate to that person, and that this might end up back-firing on the democrats.

* FoxNews exluded, of course! I love how the only non-liberal network is considered to be conservative. Trust me, anyone in the media who doesn't buy into the bias is always considered to be right-leaning.

Pity party

Today was a rocky day. I started feeling sorry for myself shortly after getting out of bed.

It doesn't take much to set me off when I'm already headed in that direction - an email from a friend, a commercial on t.v, Internet news stories about celebrity pregnancies. You know how it is - individually they're not a big deal but sometimes it feels like they all come at once, and then I'm toppled over. By late morning, after watching a little t.v. and checking email, my thoughts were already filled with self-pity questions like, Why can't I get pregnant? Why don't I feel called to adopt? Why is this happening to ME?

I don't want to feel like this. I hate it, actually. I want nothing more than to live my life not caring that I can't get pregnant. Okay, maybe that's not true - I do want something more, but you know what I mean. It's just that if I can't have that, I at least want to not care.

By tonight, though, I started feeling much better. I'd like to think it was prayer. I sure as heck didn't do anything to help my cause; if it were up to me I would still be wallowing in sadness. Good moods and bad moods just wash over me and I often feel as if I have very little control. It's one thing to be in a depressed mood for months, but I think bad days are normal and are to be expected with infertility. Thankfully, I'm in a good place again now.

I did feel compelled to become angry with God this afternoon while I was sad, but I rejected it and the urge to blame Him was gone shortly thereafter. I don't think that was a coincidence. I always say that from my experience if you meet God half way, He'll meet you half way (deep, I know). I'm fully aware that He's also been known to pluck people out of the gutter with no help from them, and I'm not saying we can earn His help, but I just think He likes it when we display some faith. Why would He help us if we are cursing Him or wallowing in self-pity? He wants us to trust Him - it's all through the Bible, especially the New Testament. Jesus likes it when we believe in His father.

Anyways, it's been the answer so far for me. I spent over three years just stomping my feet, pounding my fists and telling God to help me. I couldn't understand why He wasn't! I knew He was helping other people; I heard their stories and testimonies. I knew God helped people who were down and out, like me! But nothing. Did He not love me?

You know when you were a kid and would throw an all-out temper tantrum? Well, maybe you didn't, but I threw many a fit. There were many times when I wanted my way and would cry and yell to get it. Was that helping my cause? Of course not. But I honestly thought that the louder I yelled, the better my chances were that my parents would march up those stair, swing open my door and declare, "You are screaming so loud that now we'll listen to you. You want to go to your friends house on a school night? Well, because you cried and carried on so dramatically, of course you can go!"

In the end, the only result of my tantrum was a headache. I'd always calm down (usually out of sheer exhaustion and having no other choice), say I was sorry, and only then did the situation even have a chance of improving.

It doesn't take a genius to know that throwing a fit isn't going to get you what you want, and you definitely didn't need me to tell you that. But for some reason, when you're in the middle of it we think it's our only option. That's what happened to me, until it became so obvious that all it did was exhaust me. So I calmed down, apologized to God and saw that there was another way. I'm always going to have bad days. Today was encouraging, though, because, by the grace of God, I managed it. I talked myself through it, rejected the bad thoughts and, sure enough, it got better. That's something we all need to remember - it will always get better.

How quickly things change

After my post yesterday, my mood seems to have gone down hill. Here's a brief synopsis of what has taken place:

* I spotted a HUGE bug (like half a foot long! definitely at least three inches) in my kitchen and I lost it. I had a panic attack, mainly because I was home alone and my husband wasn't there to kill it, and he wasn't due home from work for another hour. So after screaming in horror for a while, I think I sufficiently scared it and it ran off behind our cabinets. That meant it was lost and could turn up at any moment, so I retreated to the bedroom and placed a towel underneath the door (yes, I really did, something I learned when the house was infested with bees). I called my mom, crying probably a little too hard, and I'm pretty sure she officially thinks I have a serious mental problem. She's probably scheduling an intervention as we speak. Luckily, I decided today that it wasn't practical to only live in the bedroom (and it's not like bugs can't find me there anyways) and I have nervously been in the living room. I avoided the kitchen until about 30 minutes ago, though, when I got up the nerve to clean everything it might have touched.

* I now officially know what everyone is talking about when it comes to Metformin. Thanks to the bug, I didn't make dinner and so we got subs. These subs are entirely G.I.-friendly, though. They're tiny, on whole wheat rolls and I get nothing on it except turkey, lettuce, tomato and I put on low-fat mayo at home. Well, apparently it didn't agree with Metformin, because I woke up very sick at 4 a.m. Today I feel like I'm getting over a stomach bug or kind of like I'm hung over. From what I've read, it could have been from the lettuce. I'll stay clear of that for now, that's for sure. I'm still taking it before the meal with milk and all of that, but if anyone has any other advice, let me know. I just hope that if this is how I'll feel on the increased dose, that it goes away after a week or so of taking it, but I know for many it does not. Not taking it, or reducing the dose, is not an option.

* I know this might sound silly, but the other day I stubbed my toe. I stubbed it so bad that the nail almost came off and it hasn't stopped seeping since. I haven't wanted to complain about this because it just seemed so dumb in light of my husband's impending BACK SURGERY, you know? Today, though, I reinjured it by placing a laundry basket on top of it. Basically anything touching it reinjures it.

So that's what my past 24 hours looks like. Combine these instances with crazy hormones, and you get a crying mess.

Don't get me wrong, I know I don't have it bad. And in an effort to balance this post out, I'm including a quote from a story on 60 Minutes tonight about Darfur. This is what a doctor at a refugee camp had to say about the situation there:

"This is bad. They go to the villages and they burn one village after another. Then when the people come out they catch the women and they gang-bang, they rape them, not one guy, no, ten, fifteen and then they carve up the men and throw them in the drinking water to make sure this place will never, ever be used again. And you're telling me the people in America don't know this or don't want to know this? Maybe it's too much to know, but that's what's happening right now and it's happening all over again. I'm sorry to say I'm gonna sit here in two years time and I'm gonna tell you the same sad story and people will say (words in German), which is German for "I didn't know."

He really said it all there. It's horror beyond our comprehension. And his remarks at the end brought to mind the Holocaust, you know? We think we would have done something had we lived during that time, but it's going on today in parts of the world and we do nothing. But what can we do? Donating money and spreading the word just seems silly in the grand scheme of things. I guess we can pray though. It also makes me so sad to see all the orphaned children who are dying. I'll take all of them home! I would fill my house with them if we were allowed. So my stubbed toe seems ridiculous in light of this, and my infertility even seems dwarfed. I guess it's good to remind ourselves of that once in a while.

The water park and depression (not at the same time)

I am exhausted. We went to the water park today and it was a lot of fun, except I got sick in the wave pool. Well, I didn't actually throw up in the wave pool, that would have been gross, but I felt very sick from all the waves and bobbing up and down, and had to get the heck outta there. And I totally didn't expect it at all. At first, though, I was out there without a life jacket on and I couldn't believe how hard it was! I was treading water trying to stay afloat as the waves were crashing into me, I was swallowing water and I was getting so tired! Oh my goodness. I later joked with my husband that my arms were so tired that I was very close to just giving up and going under. He's like, imagine me having to tell everyone my wife lost her will to live in the wave pool! Of course I was totally kidding, but I do now know that if I was somehow stranded in the middle of the ocean I wouldn't survive. I don't nearly have enough strength and/or stamina. This didn't really come as a surprise to me, but now it's confirmed.

In other news, I've been kinda depressed lately. This past weekend was bad. I don't know what else to say about it, other than I felt like crying a lot and was just really down. Church was hard. Basically anywhere women and children were was hard, and that's basically everywhere. I don't know if it will ever get any easier, but I just have to hold onto the hope that it will. Right now I'm not interested in adoption and I think that's making it even harder because that means if I can't get pregnant I will never have kids. But at the same time, I hate the idea of adoption being "Plan B" anyways. It deserves better than that.

As for why I'm not into adoption right now, I'm not sure. It's several reasons, I guess. I just don't feel led to it at all at the moment. (And let me also just say that if I give any of my reasons, please know that this isn't an indictment on others who have adopted. They are just things that have come up as I struggle with whether to adopt and definitely not things I think about other adoptive families, just when it comes to my husband and I. I'm trying to sort it all out.) That being said, I also sometimes feel like if I adopt, it will be for selfish reasons and not because it's best for the baby. Is that weird? If I don't adopt, it's not like the baby we would have gotten will be without a family. I guess the only way to avoid that would be to adopt an older child in foster care or in an orphanage through international adoption. But that doesn't seem right for us either. I'm also worried that my adopted child will grow up to have an identity crisis and resent me. I know, that's thinking way ahead. I don't know! I'm so confused! The bottom line is I don't feel like it's an option for us at the moment and that is making not getting pregnant even harder.

Ugh! I'm so frustrated, and I'm scared that this medication isn't going to work. REALLY scared. I know I need to relax. I need to be patient. I need to trust God. It's just so much easier said than done.

Alright I'm SUPER tired so I'm rambling. My brain is fried from all the sun and water.