Cycle news

I am home, but I just haven't been in the mood for writing much lately. I'm still decompressing from last week, I think. I am on cycle day seven and will take my last dose of Tamoxifen this evening. Today I had some peak-type mucus, which I found interesting. It was 8 C/K L, or stretchy, cloudy-clear and lubricative. I'm taking it as a good sign that perhaps the B6 is working this time around and I will have a normal amount of mucus throughout the next week. And I'm really praying I ovulate before day 22, like last time. Last cycle was a couple steps backwards.

I haven't taken my temperature yet this cycle and I may or may not continue like this. I just feel a little tired of it all. Not in a giving-up sort of way, but just in a I-am-too-lazy-to-worry-about-it-this-month way. I'm just mentally tired and need a break. And, interestingly enough, letting go of some of the worry can only help my chances.

With that being said, I do have one thing I have been worrying about. I am perplexed as to how Jeremiah 29:11's doctor decided her progesterone level was indicative of a need for prometrium, while my doctor decided my progesterone - the exact same progesterone level as Jeremiah 29:11, mind you - was "excellent." And we go to the same practice! I just don't know what to think. Is there a differing of opinion among doctors on what is low? But to the point that he'd call mine "excellent"? I guess it doesn't really matter. I have decided to wait until I get my peak +7 results from this cycle, and then, if the progesterone is roughly the same, I will ask questions.

The other possibility is that I had the blood work done too late this cycle. I knew my Creighton peak day probably wasn't anywhere near the day of my ovulation. And that is especially evident now because if the day I had my blood drawn truly was peak +7, then my luteal phase was only nine days. But my luteal phase has never been that short; it is always 11 or 12 days. But, if my practitioner was correct to assume my peak day was actually two days earlier, that would mean my luteal phase was 11 days and (are you following this?) that my peak +7 draw was actually a peak +9 draw. So, that being said, is that better or worse news that my progesterone was 8.21 on peak +9? Obviously we know now that I wasn't pregnant at the time, so if we assume it had been higher and had dropped by the day of the draw (two days before my cycle ended), is that too early for it to start dropping?

Sorry if that is confusing. The fact that it is so hard to explain means I need to stop thinking about all of this. Who cares, right? It is up to God if and when I conceive. It is a waste of time for me to pretend I have anything to do with it. I know, I can take care of my health, lose weight and take my medication, but worrying about test results isn't going to change them. Worrying only hurts my chances.

Right now I am stalking the agency's website to see when our picture and birth parent letter go up. Ahhh...adoption is a post for another time. I'm still conflicted and I'm worried it isn't going to change anything. It's great that I have been able to separate the two (adoption and infertility) in my mind, but I am realizing that they are two separate things and adoption isn't going to solve the pains of infertility. But, like I said, that's a post for another time.

Now I need to go watch lots of great television (Big Love, Syracuse basketball, American Idol and Lost) with my husband. What a perfect night!

Blood work

I forgot to mention in my last post that I got my blood work results for my day-three draws of estradiol and prolactin. They are both normal. Prolactin was 2.3 and estradiol was 65. My pap smear was also normal. Praise be to God! 

I just didn't want good news to go unnoticed. It is so easy to take that for granted. And, by the way, I am getting used to normal test results lately! After four years of all my tests having something wrong, it's a great change!

Blood test result

My peak +7 progesterone level was perfect! I called my doctor's office today, and they called me back this evening with the result. 

I'm not even going to wonder whether I should have gotten it tested later in my cycle as well, or if the +7 can be fine yet there still be a problem, or what the level was (I didn't think to ask). I'm going to trust my doctor that he knows what he is doing (he's really an amazing doctor, so I have no trouble trusting him) and I'm going to be super excited that it was perfect!

News

So we had the homestudy today. It went fine. We basically just answered 50 questions about our relationship. Some of the time I felt like I was answering the interview question during a beauty pageant - trying quickly to come up with a good, concise answer without sounding completely unintelligent - while the rest of the time I felt like I was at a job interview. There were a lot of those "what is your greatest weakness" type of interview questions where everyone answers, "Well, I'm a perfectionist..." or "I just expect so much from my co-workers..." So we tried to answer honestly while balancing not coming across like weirdos yet also not seeming too perfect (I think I talked about fighting two times, but if someone said they never fought I hope that would be a red flag!). We were also given tons of paperwork which we need to finish by our third appointment. Things are moving along quickly, though, as our second homestudy appointment will be two weeks from today.

If it seems like I am moving through that pretty quickly, well, I am (normally I'm not exactly short-winded, but it's not like I had to tell you all that). Not to take anything away from it, but my focus tonight has shifted a little to some amazing news.

My blood work came back perfect. That's right. It's all normal.

My doctor's office called me tonight and left a message. Since I didn't answer in time, I seriously whimpered and cried for the next twenty minutes at the prospect of having to wait until morning to call them back (it was after hours) for what I assumed would be my test results. As I was just beginning to calm down, my phone rang again. It was the nurse.

Nurse: "Dr. B wanted me to call and let you know that your lab results are in. [Holding my breath at this point] The tests came back normal. Everything was perfect. It says here to continue your medicine and it also says that you can go ahead and try to... conceive? Is that the word he wrote? Conceive?"

Me: [In shock at this point] "Yes, that's the word."

Nurse: "Oh, you are starting to try to conceive. Okay."

Even in my utter disbelief at my good fortune, I had to chuckle at the nurse's assumption that we were just starting to try. But then I realized, oh my God! We are starting to try!!!! I think I was in shock after I hung up. Seconds after telling my husband the news, I had to ask him, did that really happen? She might as well have told me I was pregnant.

What does this mean? Well, I assume it means my PCOS is under control (I say "assume" because I didn't speak directly with my doctor tonight, although he did tell me this was the case at my appointment last week, so I shouldn't be hesitant to write that). If I went off the medication and started eating normal again, it would come back. But for all intents and purposes, my hormones are behaving like someone who doesn't have PCOS right now.

When my doctor first told me I had PCOS, he said he'd treat me like he treats all his patients, but there's no guarantee I'd react how he hoped to the protocal. Some women do and some women don't. At my appointment last week he was actually excited because, he said, he lays out a treatment plan and when it works like it is supposed to, it's exciting. Now we know for certain it worked like it was supposed to. My body actually did what it was supposed to!!

So here we are. I'm not used to getting good news. The world seems a little brighter, like a dark cloud lifted. I'm not kidding. I know I still might never conceive (I'm a pessimist, don't forget.. or a "realist" as my husband so affectionately kept referring to me during our homestudy meeting today). And I know that my peak plus seven blood draw coming up this cycle might show a problem (although I have to believe if something is wrong with my progesterone, it wouldn't be as difficult a fix as what I've already overcome). But right now my hormones are back to normal, my prolactin is normal, my testosterone is normal and most importantly, my LH/FSH ratio that was crazy before is back to normal. For all this I thank God. I still don't know or understand his plan - and I know the ride is a lot easier to take when things are looking up - but we still have a long road ahead and I just hope that I can continue to trust in him the whole way.

Now I am going to go celebrate with some strawberries dipped in a little bit of chocolate.

Sad

I'm having a hard time today. It's just extra painful sometimes, you know?

Anyways, I just wanted to check in quick. It's cycle day nine, I think. The good news so far is that my spotting has been less this month, like we had hoped. I only had one day of it following my period. And for the first time in a year I used a green sticker on day seven. I had my first day of mucus yesterday on day eight, so it's looking pretty normal so far. Normal as in healthy-person normal.

I'm not sure when I'll get my blood work results. Tomorrow will be a week since I had it drawn, so I'm guessing by the end of this week. I'm trying to prepare myself for bad news, but I don't think you can adequately prepare for that, so why even try? I know bad results won't mean it's over, but it will still be difficult to hear. Last time my doctor called me himself, so I hope he does that again in case I have questions.

I'll just keep plugging along, I guess. Deal with it. Our first home study meeting is tomorrow, so at least I'll have that, although it's not helping me to feel better right now. Oh well. I'll let you know how it goes.

Results

My new doctor called me today (himself) with the results of my blood work and it was good news! He said everything was normal, I'm not anemic, nothing is out of the ordinary. My thyroid is normal. And my prolactin is normal! So the medication has worked. He also said the blood work shows I definitely have PCOS. It was funny because my reaction to that news was one of excitement. Then I wondered, is that an odd reaction? But just as I had that thought, the doctor commented that it is definitely good news (which, by the way, is because it is treatable).

So needless to say, the call made me very happy. I have so much hope and I am still feeling so peaceful (thank God!). I know things can change and hormones can fluctuate, but it's been two weeks now since I've felt better and that's roughly half a cycle. So I'm hoping this new found peace and ability to trust has more to do with God and less to do with hormones. I've never felt this good this long, and I believe it's because I wholeheartedly gave it over to him. I should have done this sooner!

No results today

I STILL haven't gotten my test result from PPVI yet. So this keeps dragging out. I need to be put out of my misery and begin to focus on a new cycle!

But my heart stopped for a moment this morning when I got a call from the local lab I used yesterday. The woman told me I needed to come in and get a second blood draw. Well, the only reason PPVI needed a second vial of blood was if the pregnancy test was positive, so they could do more testing. The two vials were supposed to be drawn at the same time, but the lab technician didn't realize this. So in my mind I immediately came up with this scenario: they called or faxed PPVI with the results this morning (or PPVI received the fax this morning since they were closed yesterday), it was positive, PPVI asked for the second vial, and that's when they realized they never got it. In my mind I'm thinking if the lab was going to realize on their own that they forgot, then they would have realized yesterday. Well, that wasn't the case. I called the lab back (just trying to see if they knew the results of the initial test) and they said they hadn't even run the first test yet! Ugh! So I told them the only reason PPVI needed two vials was because the nurse didn't want me to have to go back in and get pricked again, so this was defeating the purpose and I'd come back if the first test is positive. But for about five minutes I really thought there was a chance. (Sorry, that was probably a boring story with too much detail.)

So now I'm on day 33, still no new cycle, still no PMS symptoms, no spotting today, and some cramping.

It was a bad day today, though, because I had to get four fillings. I was a wreck, shaking uncontrollably the entire time, and I even had tears running down my face as the dentist was drilling. The poor hygienest had to wipe my eyes. It was embarrassing. I didn't feel any pain, thank God! And the good news is they x-rayed the recently filled tooth that is giving me pain and nothing showed up, so the dentist thinks the pain will go away (phew! I was NOT going to take having to get a root canal very well). I started to have major pain when the novacaine began to wear off this afternoon, so I've been taking motrin all day and it's been rough. I slept a couple hours just so I didn't have to be awake and be in pain.

Hopefully I'll have definitive news tomorrow. I really want to know what this spotting and cramping may mean, so hopefully I'll get up the nerve to ask the nurse.

Some good news finally

After my super bad luck with labs a week and a half ago, I finally contacted two labs today that were appearing to be my last hopes. I had actually put off calling them for a week because I was afraid they'd say no! But they didn't! Well, one of them (the one actually located in Richmond) was more like a maybe. They said I need to get the kit from PPVI and bring it in for them to see if they can use it, or something like that. The other lab is in northern VA, about two hours from me, and they simply said yes! I hope it's not too good to be true. I heard about this lab from someone who read my post and was nice enough to have her sister-in-law, who had to have blood drawn and shipped to PPVI, email me about where she had hers done. So what I'll probably do is take the kit to the Richmond lab as soon as I get it, and if they say no, then I'll just go to the second lab when the day comes. Thanks to everyone who said a prayer for this!

I also momentarily lost my chart last night, but I found it today. See, I basically chart on a scrap piece of paper and keep it in a ratty folder that was given to me by my Creighton teacher a year and a half ago. I never have actual charts because she lives eight hours away and we only talk once every other month. She just sent me one a month ago, but I was actually two charts behind so I'm back to my scraps of paper. Not the best system. But I found it so all is good.

I also have to admit that I haven't picked up my new prescription from PPVI yet. Why?! I guess if I have to look deep within myself I would say I'm nervous about taking it, since I've heard it has serious side effects (I know nearly every medication does though). But maybe deep, deep down I'm avoiding it for the same reason I didn't call the labs until today - because I'm nervous it might not work. Maybe I'd rather have another failed cycle where I can say, 'well at least I haven't started any medication yet!' I know that's silly. It's not like this is the only medication I'll ever take either. Maybe I haven't picked it up yet simply because I'm too lazy to drive there.

Problems *update*

Well I spoke too soon. I cannot have my blood drawn today because no one will draw it and ship it. And on top of that, no one will draw it and turn it over to me to ship myself. I guess I took it for granted where I use to live because I just walked in the closest lab and handed them the order from PPVI and they shipped it. No questions asked. Apparently the Richmond, VA area does not ship blood or give your own blood to you.

So is this the end of my road? Without blood I can't do anything else. I guess my next step is looking for a lab in northern VA, NC, MD or maybe I'll just drive 8 hours to the lab in NY I had it drawn at last year! This is ridiculous. So no bloodwork this cycle. Another month to wait, another 30+ day postponement. I'm actually handling it well and my husband and sister both pointed that out. I'm just now beginning to get teary about it. And to top it all off I felt like the people at PPVI were getting annoyed at me calling all day. Maybe it was in my head. But, as my husband pointed out, shouldn't they be helping with this? I feel like it's so hard to navigate your healthcare these days. Being someone's patient doesn't even mean much. You still have to be ultra-proactive or nothing will get done!

Oh - here's the best part: I went into a lab this morning unknowingly, and told them what I needed. They said they don't do that. But the fascinating part is that I went there in November and they claimed they did do it, and I had it done and figured they shipped it. But then I got thinking, I never got a print-out from PPVI about my results and at my post-op appointment Dr. Hilgers never referred to that bloodwork. So I called PPVI and asked if they had a record of bloodwork from Nov. Big surprise, they did not! So this lab took my blood, later realized it needed to be shipped which they don't do, and instead of calling me they just forgot about it. But still charged me of course! How great is that? They just, what, threw my blood away?!

Okay, I'm going to forget about it. Nothing I can do now. Patience. Patience.

*Update - So finally a woman at a lab was nice enough to look into it for me instead of just telling me no. She called me back and said she found out it's against the law for a lab to draw blood for a dr. not liscensed in the state of VA. Against the law?! I called PPVI and they'd never heard of that and claimed they've had patients in VA have blood sent before. So now my next step is to find a physician who will take me as a patient and basically have them copy Dr. Hilger's order and get my blood drawn. But I'll actually be back to square one then because I still need to find a lab who will ship it or let me take it and ship it myself. Not to mention the doctors who are affiliated with PPVI are all about two hours away. And who knows if they are even accepting new patients.

To top it all off, the nice woman who told me it's against the law also told me there might be one place in Richmond that could do it for me (how, if it's against the law??) and it's called Richmond IVF or something. Does IVF stand for something else that has to do with blood?? Because that just takes the cake if I would have to go to an IVF clinic to have my blood drawn and shipped to PPVI. I'm not even going to call them.

This is a horrible day. It's my poor sister's last day here and she spent it watching me make calls all day. Then we decided to go shopping which I hoped would get my mind off of things, and I tried a million things on (which I hate) and when I went up to the register I whipped out a $100 gift card only to find out it was the wrong one, and had $9 on it! So I had to put everything back and it was just one of those times when I almost broke down. Not because of the clothes or the gift card, but because should I have expected anything less? This is how this day has been. Oh well, I guess it could be much worse.