What I learned today

I'm really thankful for how peaceful I feel today. It's been such a physically and emotionally draining week that it's hard to believe it's only Wednesday.

At the start of the week, my husband and I knew we had three things that would take place in the coming days that would either bring very good or bad news. One involved my cycle, one involved the election, and one involved my husband's career. We discussed the likelihood of any of the three going in our favor and we excitedly discussed the possibilities, but knew in the end that the odds were none would. I knew it'd be a tough week. Add to that my stomach issues, and I was looking ahead to the weekend.

Well, we're officially oh-for-three (the career one wasn't bad, it just wasn't great). Despite that, though, I really feel God's presence today.

Last night, right after the election was called, it was as if a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I don't know why, or if it was just a coincidence (my advil was setting in and relieving a bad headache around that same time, so I'm guessing it was that), but I've felt better ever since. My stomach is even better today.

I'm so thankful for this, because I thought I'd feel worse in the aftermath of an Obama win, but I think you quickly realize life goes on. I'm still here, I'm still breathing, the world did not end.

It actually got me thinking (and here is where I compare yet another random thing to infertility) - is this how it would feel to find out beyond a shadow of a doubt I'd never conceive? Would this horrible news I've spent four years dreading actually leave me feeling a bit relieved? Would I realize I'm still alive, I'm still breathing, the world did not end?

I'm not sure, but I've heard others describe something like that. We'd move on. We'd adopt, hopefully many children. No worries about whether I'd get pregnant during the adoption process. No worries about whether adoption was right for us.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy where God has me. I'm thrilled! I am thankful that there is hope - a great deal of hope, in fact. But the fear of that dreaded news is still out there or, worse yet, that a formal announcement will never come and the years will just tick by until I reach menopause and realize our hope has ended.

I believe that God doesn't want us to fear this or anything (be not afraid!) and so perhaps the seed has been planted for me to work through this anxiety. The stress over not knowing often permeates my life and drives me nuts at times. If I can be confident that I'll be okay if that news were to come, then I think I'll feel better in the here and now as well. If I know I will live, and possibly even have a sense of peace, then I can hopefully have peace with it now.

It's something to work on, at least.

So for now I'll get my new cycle "reward" of chicken tenders, I'll enjoy my husband's next two days off, and we'll look ahead to this next cycle - our only second cycle of even having a chance. And I'll try not to worry about bad news that my come in the future, because I know I'll live even if it does occur. And to think this entire thought process began due to Obama's win. See, some good has already come out of the bad!

The God of peace

Well it's officially cycle day one.

As for details, the cycle lasted 24 days and went eleven days post peak. That's a pattern lately, I seem to have had an eleven day luteal phase for a few cycles in a row. So now I'm left wondering what was with all this strange spotting this cycle; overall there was less of it, but this time it was on strange days.

The good news is tomorrow is my doctor's appointment. I think later today I'll post all my questions I'm coming up with for him, and then I'll print them out so I can take them with me.

So, the second reading at Mass this weekend really struck me. I think us infertile women - at least the ones struggling, and isn't that all of us? - can take something from it.

Phil 4:6-9
Brothers and sisters: Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me. Then the God of peace will be with you.

I like practical advice. Paul here tells us everything to do:
1) Do not have anxiety.
2) Approach the Lord with thanksgiving, thanking him for all he has blessed us with.
3) Ask the Lord for what you want.
4) He may not give you what you want, but have peace knowing you've prayed about it. We can relax and know it is in his hands.
5) I the meantime, think positively. Focus on the good things God has created and given you.
6) Keep plugging along. Do what you know you should be doing as a Christian, and you will have peace.

I will try to do this, but it's hard. Number one means I can't worry about the possibility of never getting pregnant, how depressed I will be with my life, whether I am doing the right thing, etc., etc. That's not easy. I don't do enough of number two. I try to thank God but it's probably forced; I hurry through it to get to my requests, because that's what I'm there for. I know number four is true, and recently a friend really showed me this by example. It's still difficult to reach that level of understanding, but I'm going to try. I don't do nearly enough of number five, and I bet anything that it works. Maybe I'll really try this one.

Let's face it, when I take God's advice it always works. So why am I hesitant every time? Trust, I guess, and this stupid humanness that gets in the way.

Well I've gotta go get ready for a walk. I'm trying to lose a couple more pounds before my doctor's appointment tomorrow and my official weigh-in. It's definitely not going to help that I'll probably be bloated now!

God's grace

For most of my life, I knew I was going to have twin girls. I was sure of it. There was nothing you could have said to change my mind.

I'm honestly not sure where this started, whether I dreamed it as a child, felt it come to me while in prayer, or whether some weird spirit game we played in junior high "revealed" it to me (did you do this too, or was it just in my messed-up small town? Pretty scary, now that I think about it). All I know is that I've been sure of it since I was a child. I even had their names picked out.. several different times. If you knew me, you knew that I knew I would have twin girls. Yes, I was pretty vocal about it because, mainly, I constantly talked about being a mother. Go figure.

Anyways, this "feeling" has obviously dissipated since the onset of my infertility, to say the least. It actually now seems silly, naive, a reminder of the innocent me back when I believed first came se.x, then came babies. I resent that person. Twins? Two babies? It just seems so ridiculous.

Well, for some reason, my twin girls came to mind today. Not because I suddenly have some feeling I'm going to have twins, but because it occured to me, out of the blue, that maybe, just maybe, I can attempt to muster up that same sort of confidence again. After all, doesn't God want us to approach our faith like little children? Little, innocent children who think that they're going to have twin girls.

This feeling happens to come at a time when I am feeling a great sense of peace about infertility. Because I am what I would consider an infertility veteran at this point, I am well aware that this feeling could be gone tomorrow. You never know. But I've come to appreciate any moments of peace, understanding, joy, trust, or patience that God gives me.

I'm pretty tired so this might not make much sense, but lately I've had this feeling that the experience of infertility is actually a calling. Now, I know that this is a concept explored by many before. I, myself, have written about it. But the difference now is that the feeling isn't coming from my head, but rather from my heart. I'm not wishing I could feel this way, I actually do feel this way. I'm not sure how to explain it, other than to say that lately I have felt like infertility could actually be looked at as a positive thing; like that God has chosen me for it and is allowing me to experience this and feel this way. If I look at it from that perspective, I should feel blessed that I have been picked by God to experience something that requires me to drastically change my way of thinking. He knows better than me, of course, and through this time of loss I am forced to re-examine my life and follow Him much more closely. It's safe to say I'd be a very different person if not for infertility.

I also have begun to feel more and more like God's plan for me might actually be better than I could have imagined. Now, I'm sure I'll have many down times in the coming months when this concept might not sit as well with me (it's best to be realistic about these things). But for the time being, I choose to trust in Him.

I'd like to think this new sense of peace is a grace from God. I believe He is allowing me to see things differently and to have greater insight (honestly, I did recently pray for greater understanding. I forgot I prayed for that until right now. Funny how that happens!). For some reason, God decided to bless me in this way at this point in my journey. Why? I'm not sure. Just add it to the list of mysteries.

This is not to say that I'm suddenly fine with my barreness. Not at all. I still have moments of weakness when I feel jealousy, or question God. But the noticeable difference comes when I'm all alone. When I'm alone and I'm left to my own thoughts, that's when I would normally enter into despair. Instead, I now feel a sense of peace about it in those moments. I feel like I can wait. And I am starting to get the feeling that I should have more than hope - more like confidence - that I'll have a biological child, much like I use to think about having my twin girls. I'd like to think God is putting this on my heart because He is preparing me for a pregnancy, but I'm not going to assume. I'm going to take each day as it comes and try to please God as much as I can no matter what happens.