Confused - updated

Something isn't right. I had peak-type mucus again yesterday, despite having a negative ovulation test the day before. I thought I had already ovulated. So today I decided to take an ovulation test again. And...it was positive! It wasn't even close:



So here's how it has gone:

Tues-negative
Wed-positive
Thurs-negative
Fri-didn't test
Sat-positive

Does anyone know what this might mean? I tried to google it, but it's not an easy concept to condense to a search term. I know too much LH could mean PCOS, but that doesn't explain the negative test in there (not to mention that the last time I had blood work done my LH level was normal). It appears to be surging, stopping, then surging again. I have read that it is not out of the ordinary to have up to three or four positives in a row, so maybe I just didn't pee on it long enough on Thursday. I also wonder if this has anything to do with my follicles not rupturing. I had hoped this problem would clear up after my surgery, but Dr. Hilgers did say he thought the two things were unrelated. I really would love some answers on all of this, but I guess this is another opportunity to practice patience. I'll have answers at some point.

As for our first support group meeting this morning, no one showed! It was just the three of us, but that was fine. We went out to breakfast and had a great time.

Update - Fertilized's comment reminded me that I also had that thought initially, that the darker pink line isn't even a solid line. Maybe the test is screwed up, because isn't the line to the right supposed to be fairly dark all the time? I've never seen it so light before. If anyone has any expertise in this area, please let me know!
(Sorry, that wasn't much of a big "update." More of a "I'm really bored and looking far too much into this" type of thing.)

Ovulation complete (let's hope!)

I just took another ovulation test, and this time it was negative. So I had one positive test this month. As far as I know, that is pretty normal! It was negative three days ago, positive yesterday, and negative today. I've had great mucus for over a week. So hopefully I ovulated!

I read online last night that my medication can take a few months to work, to start lowering prolactin levels. That's good to know, if it's true. It didn't bother me, either. I was just glad to read that, so I don't get my hopes up too much before that. Actually, it relaxes me a little to know that there's no pressure for a little while. If it happens, it happens. But if it doesn't, well, I haven't even really begun working on correcting my hormones.

Can I also just say that I am so touched by all the comments and encouragement I've been getting from you all? I've been meaning to post about this for a while. I am constantly moved to tears by comments, not to mention posts on all of your own blogs as well. The thought that someone is praying for me, especially when you are dealing with this too, just touches me. This blog has been such a blessing to me because it has done nothing but boost my spirits, give me an outlet to vent, provide me with much-needed hope, and put me in touch with wonderful women who know exactly what this feels like. Not too long after I moved last fall, I remember praying for someone to be able to talk to about all of this, other than my husband. I had a couple good friends up north, but while we are still close, I don't really talk to them about this through email since we moved. So I really needed someone to fill that void. It was about a month later that I started this blog, and a month or so after I began I realized this was God's answer to my prayers. (Not to mention two women here asked me to start an infertility support group with them...that was an answer to that prayer as well!) It's just amazing how God works - when it is something that is part of your plan and beneficial to your immortal soul, He works fast and delivers big!

Positive ovulation test

It's day 19 and I just got my first positive ovulation test for this cycle. So that's not ideal, since it's not the "perfect" day 14, but it's also not bad. I'm not worried. I'd be worried if I didn't get a positive test at all! I also woke up with cramps, but I'm not sure if that has to do with ovulation because it was on both sides. It might be due to my medication, which is still making me super drowsy.

Last night I was feeling frustrated so I talked to my husband about it and realized my problem isn't with turning this over to God. I've already done that. My problem is with putting my trust in God. I know I've turned it over to His will because that's part of the reason I'm so frustrated. This problem has no solution that I can achieve on my own. Sure, I can go to PPVI, I can take medications, have surgery and do all of those things (although I believe God has lead me to do all of that). But ultimately, it is up to God whether I conceive. It is up to Him whether all of those things I'm doing work. I know this and it has caused me to feel completely out of control. I know.. this is God we're talking about. It's not like I'm putting my fate in strangers' hands who don't have my best interest in mind. But still, it's difficult to wait every day knowing that it might not be in my best interest to ever get pregnant.

Anyways, I am completely aware that this is up to God and I am under no illusion that this is up to me, fate, karma, mother nature, the universe or anyone else. So... the problem lies in me trusting Him. I will either get pregnant or I won't, and He will decide which it is. I'm scared to death that His will is that I won't get pregnant. I know I've said this before, but I can't possibly wrap my mind around the possibility of being okay with never having biological children. Right now I feel like I will always be broken-hearted about it and I don't trust Him that He will protect me and bring me joy any other way. I think I know more than God about this, I guess. I think I know myself better, I know I will never be able to have joy, I know I will fight it, I know I will have a horrible life. This is obviously not the right way to think, and God obviously knows way more than me, but I'm not sure how to change it. I've tried just pretending to believe it, but that hasn't worked so far. I probably haven't tried hard enough.

My husband said I spend too much time thinking and worrying about all the possible outcomes. He's probably right, but as I told him, I can't not think about them. It doesn't take too much thought to come to the conclusion that I will either a)get pregnant soon, b)get pregnant years from now, c)adopt, or d) never have children. It's not like it took me months to come up with that. But he's right that I spend too much time worrying about which one it will be. It's just so hard! I feel like I'm on a game show and there are four doors in front of me, with each of those four outcomes behind a door. Which door will it be? Well, unfortunately I have to wait not just through the commercial break to find out, but indefinitely. I just have to sit there and wait. It could be a month until I find out my fate, or it could be ten years. I think that's one of the hardest parts.

Perhaps the most useful thing my husband told me last night has to do with suffering. He said I need to rejoice each day in what God has done for me, including (perhaps most importantly) that He has allowed me to share in the suffering of His son. He also said I need to ask God every single day "what next?" Like each day I need to be open to doing whatever God wants of me, like volunteering for His next instructions. So I'll try to do that. Rejoicing in suffering might seem like an odd concept to someone who has never heard it before, but I've prayed and read a fair amount about suffering since all this began and I understand the concept and definitely see the value in it. I guess I'm just not practicing what I preach.

So I've decided I need to focus on what I can hope for and accomplish in the next few months. I will focus on discovering as much information about my fertility health as possible. I need to find out what else is wrong, what my current hormone levels are, if I'm ovulating, if my new medication works. That information is attainable (hopefully) and is a great thing to put my effort into. My focus shouldn't be on getting pregnant. So I feel good about that.