Pain

Well it's day 29 of my cycle and I have felt like I was nearing the end for probably over a week now (plus, I've had spotting for five days). Overnight, I woke up with a ton of pain, mainly in my legs and my abdomen. Right now I'm on the couch with the heating pad, still in a great deal of pain, now on my left side. I thought after my endometriosis surgery my heating pad days were over! I'm not sure what this means - a cyst? remaining endometriosis? or maybe this is just how pms will always feel for me? I was under the impression that pain would go away after the surgery. It's now been 3 1/2 months, so it can't be post-surgery pain still, can it?

In other news, definitely no blood draw this month. My Creighton instructor just sent me an email saying that she is calling later this morning, so at least maybe she can give me some insight into what is happening.

And it now appears to be officially too late to have my ultrasound series done. Yesterday I thought I was getting my period so we mapped it out that we'd drive up together next Monday for my baseline. But today was really the cut-off because even if I got my period today, my cycle day 10 would fall only six days before the office is scheduled to close for a week. While that may be enough time, I got the feeling they didn't want to take that risk. It's kind of sad because I started looking forward to driving up with my husband, but I'm not disappointed because only God knows what is best in this situation. It is so complicated and I trust that He has my best interest in mind. Maybe we'll be forced to find a different doctor to do the series and they'll be closer to us. Who knows?!

If anyone has any opinions on the pain I'm having, please let me know!

Unexpected peace

I really have to thank God for today. He provided me with a great sense of peace, despite bad news of much more waiting ahead of me.

I became very worried on Sunday because I felt as if I would soon be getting my period and that didn't exactly fit into my timetable. As part of an ultrasound series I would be having done this month, I needed a baseline done on cycle day five. I had hoped this would fall on one of my husband's days off, and it appeared now that it would not. So I had a lot of anxiety over the thought of driving six hours up and six hours home, in one day, all by myself.

So today I decided to call the doctor's office just to touch base with them and let them know I'd be calling to set up an appointment once I started my new cycle. When I called I got a message that said they were on the other line, but it went on to say that the office would be closed May 9 through 13! I immediately flipped out because there's a very good chance at least some of my ultrasounds would need to be done during that time period. I cried, I moped, I asked "why me?" It only reinforced my belief that there is some giant cosmic master plan to make my treatment move at a snail's pace. I told my husband, "You cannot deny that everything that can go wrong, does!" And he could not.

So a little while later I called back and spoke with someone. It turns out they are not only closed in May but then again in mid June when the doctor attends a NaPro conference in Rome, and then again for a couple weeks in July. So it appears that unless I get my period today or tomorrow and then have an ovulatory event before May 9 - or if my cycle days five, ten, 11, 12, 13, 14 and so on happen to fit in perfectly with the days the office is open in the following months - I will not be having an ultrasound series done until August at the earliest (the secretary didn't get as far as August, so the office could be closed then too).

This was very bad news, the kind of news that normally would send me into a deep depression lasting several days. But after getting off the phone, I felt a real peace come over me. I'm okay with this. I trust that God's plan is the right plan for me and that His timetable is the right timetable. I'm not sure why I trust this, but I do. (And I don't take any credit for this, by the way. If I ever feel peace, it is entirely a grace. I did nothing to deserve this other than to pray for it. I didn't read up on how to feel it or make some big concerted effort to will its happening. This was totally God.)

There is a chance it could work out that I will have the series done in the next couple weeks. As I said before, if I get my period before Thursday, I might be able to fit it in (but that is also assuming I have an ovulatory event around day 14, which may happen to a normal person but definitely isn't the way I work). I actually started to think this afternoon that I had so gotten use to the idea of not having it done, that I was starting to hope I don't get my period any time soon (what a quick transformation!).

I also plan on calling PPVI tomorrow and asking if there are any other doctors on the East Coast who can do the series. They told me last summer there weren't, but I didn't press them on it at the time. Maybe if I explain the situation there will be a less-than-perfect-but-still-viable option.

So my post-surgery phase of my treatment is moving slowly. I have kept it, as always, in my prayers and yet it still moves very, very slowly. This can only mean that God intends this pace. So I am thankful for my trust today and I hope I can keep it up. Isn't it sad how, when left to my own devices, I can't trust Him on my own? The only time I feel peace or have trust is when I am given it as a grace. I need to work on doing it on my own as well.

I will continue my novena to St. Gianna tonight. I read somewhere last night that the novena actually began a couple days ago, I guess because they want to end before her feast day. Oh well. My last night will be on her feast day and that will be fine. I'm sure she doesn't mind!