I am exhausted. We went to the water park today and it was a lot of fun, except I got sick in the wave pool. Well, I didn't actually throw up in the wave pool, that would have been gross, but I felt very sick from all the waves and bobbing up and down, and had to get the heck outta there. And I totally didn't expect it at all. At first, though, I was out there without a life jacket on and I couldn't believe how hard it was! I was treading water trying to stay afloat as the waves were crashing into me, I was swallowing water and I was getting so tired! Oh my goodness. I later joked with my husband that my arms were so tired that I was very close to just giving up and going under. He's like, imagine me having to tell everyone my wife lost her will to live in the wave pool! Of course I was totally kidding, but I do now know that if I was somehow stranded in the middle of the ocean I wouldn't survive. I don't nearly have enough strength and/or stamina. This didn't really come as a surprise to me, but now it's confirmed.
In other news, I've been kinda depressed lately. This past weekend was bad. I don't know what else to say about it, other than I felt like crying a lot and was just really down. Church was hard. Basically anywhere women and children were was hard, and that's basically everywhere. I don't know if it will ever get any easier, but I just have to hold onto the hope that it will. Right now I'm not interested in adoption and I think that's making it even harder because that means if I can't get pregnant I will never have kids. But at the same time, I hate the idea of adoption being "Plan B" anyways. It deserves better than that.
As for why I'm not into adoption right now, I'm not sure. It's several reasons, I guess. I just don't feel led to it at all at the moment. (And let me also just say that if I give any of my reasons, please know that this isn't an indictment on others who have adopted. They are just things that have come up as I struggle with whether to adopt and definitely not things I think about other adoptive families, just when it comes to my husband and I. I'm trying to sort it all out.) That being said, I also sometimes feel like if I adopt, it will be for selfish reasons and not because it's best for the baby. Is that weird? If I don't adopt, it's not like the baby we would have gotten will be without a family. I guess the only way to avoid that would be to adopt an older child in foster care or in an orphanage through international adoption. But that doesn't seem right for us either. I'm also worried that my adopted child will grow up to have an identity crisis and resent me. I know, that's thinking way ahead. I don't know! I'm so confused! The bottom line is I don't feel like it's an option for us at the moment and that is making not getting pregnant even harder.
Ugh! I'm so frustrated, and I'm scared that this medication isn't going to work. REALLY scared. I know I need to relax. I need to be patient. I need to trust God. It's just so much easier said than done.
Alright I'm SUPER tired so I'm rambling. My brain is fried from all the sun and water.
Monday, July 7, 2008
The water park and depression (not at the same time)
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Wow, losing the will to live in a wave pool would be quite a thing . . . I'm sorry you're feeling so down! You know, I was very naive about adoption until I really started looking into it seriously. I have a lot more concerns about it than I used to have. Fortunately, I have several close friends who have adopted recently and who are very thoughtful people, so I know I will pick their brains as we get closer to starting the process! I think you're wise to hold off if you don't feel that God is calling you to adopt right now. I'm sure you'll feel that call if and when it's right for your family!
ReplyDeleteYou're feelings about adoption are understandable...at least to me. My husband and I feel the same way. I feel like a horrible person with how I react when people say "You can always adopt." It's like a consolation prize...which is horrible. I have always thought adoption was a beautiful thing, but now that I feel slightly FORCED into it, my feelings are different. I have thought a lot about it and I share the same concern about the child wanting to find their "real" parents in the future and having to share the child...or even them leaving my husband and I. For now, I have told myself that the reason I don't feel better about adoption yet is because I still have some hope. My husband and I are just getting started with the Creighton charting and then sending our records to Dr Hilgers. Perhaps that hope that you have deep down that the medicine will work is letting you know that it is not time to move towards adoption yet. The hardest thing for us right now is remember it is GOD'S TIMING, not our timing. However, I am already impatient! Thanks for sharing your thoughts...you are not alone in them.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy to hear that you survived the wave pool:)
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to remind you that you are not alone in your sorrows with infertility, I guess this is something we just have to get through (with God's help).
I am praying for you!
I agree with you that adoption should be a calling, not a Plan B. I have always planned to adopt, but I just always "assumed" it would be my youngest child... so in a way, sometimes I feel that God is leading me to adopt through IF, because he knows that the child I was meant to adopt is being born around this time, and not 5-10 years down the line. So... basically what I'm saying is that I may not share your hesitancy toward adoption at this point in time, BUT I completely agree with your feelings that it should be when you're ready and when God feels it's time.
ReplyDeleteJust keep remembering that until your last surgery, and until you started OVULATING (yippee!!) you weren't ever really ABLE to TTC. So if you look at it that way, it's much less depressing counting the months that you've actually had a real chance. It's what gets me through the tough times, anyway.
just the thought of a water park makes me feel queasy!
ReplyDeleteadoption has always been our plan B. before i found the creighton method and had any hope that i could even have a baby i always thought that adoption would be an option for us. but in the end of it all, it's what works for you and your husband. we know that we want a family with kids and going childless isn't an option for us.
take care of you. all of us have our down days, it's all a part of the IF rollercoaster!
I'm glad you and your hubby still have your sense of humor. The thing about the will to live in the wave pool was funny.
ReplyDeleteYour depression is not so funny. I am depressed, myself, today, and I have kids, adopted and biological, so go figure. Life is not all dances and jolly jingles, is it?
Your heart is in the right place, I think, regardless of how bad you feel right now. An adopted child should never be second best to anyone. They are hurt enough already, so I applaude you knowing who you are and what you need at the moment. I hope you have the baby you long for. And I'm so sorry that you're suffering. It's hard. Sometimes the only advice I have is what I'm giving you today, which is: keep breathing.
Jacob wrestled with an angel all night, and if you have to wrestle with depression and infertility for your night, then we can at least hope for a blessing.