Kinda a mess

So today we did the bulk of our moving. All that's left at the apartment is my clothes, food, and dishes. So I'm taking a break for the rest of the day and for the first time in about a week, I'm just sitting, watching t.v. The living room is all set up so if I just stay in this room I can ignore the other rooms full of boxes. I can almost pretend there aren't hours and hours of work ahead of us.

I am very stressed out right now. I'm trying not to break down and crash. I'm trying to remember to be patient. I definitely don't handle stress well, and when things are cluttered in my life, things become cluttered in my head. So right now that would mean my head is in complete disarray with some things in my apartment, some things in the new house, everything in boxes, including crap that should be dumped but we keep moving it from place to place. I can usually handle one stresser okay (that would be infertility, and "okay" is debatable), but if I add an additional problem, I lose it. So I'm close to losing it.

I'm starting to get those "it's-not-fair" thoughts in my head. Those are never good. I just want to be pregnant so much that it is driving me crazy. I know I need to be patient, but I am having thoughts of "what if I'm patient and it still doesn't happen?". I know this is very dangerous as well. I can only live for today and I cannot waste time worrying, crying and freaking out over something that I can't control and that I have no idea how it will turn out anyways. (I can type that, but I don't currently believe it.)

I know I should be happy as I sit in my new home, but like I wrote earlier, extra stress can sometimes put me over the edge. The other day I decided to paint the would-be nursery a color not conducive to a nursery. I decided I didn't want to live in a holding pattern waiting for something (ya, right, I couldn't imagine any other way) and if I do become pregnant, we'll be more than happy to paint the room ten times over if we had to.

So I held a baby today. It didn't bother me at all; maybe I am starting to feel numb, a feeling I've heard described by other bloggers but couldn't relate to. It was my sister-in-law's baby. Her life just seems to move at a much faster pace than mine - a normal pace. When I started dating her brother she hadn't even met her future husband, and wouldn't for a couple years. And then I eventually attended their wedding as her brother's still-not-yet-engaged girlfriend (honey, if you read this, I swear I'm over it.. I'm just illustrating a point) and then she waited to have kids for a few years while I tried and tried and tried. Now she has a three month old. It's nothing against her, of course. She's just normal. I'm abnormal.

Thank God I don't have a serious illness! Or that a loved one doesn't have a serious illness. And that I have a loving family. Sorry - just have to put it in perspective and remind myself it could be worse. I was feeling really sorry for myself.

This post is kind of a mess (reflective of me right now) but I should also mention I'm having some pain. I had pain the day I got my period, not nearly as bad as an endometriosis attack, but it was pain nonetheless. And today I had some pain (I think today is day eight maybe). Also for the second month I have had mucus immediately following my period. And last, but not least, I am having pain when peeing. Not a burning sensation that might indicate a bladder infection, but rather a kind of not-able-to-empty-my-bladder feeling - not pain necessarily, just not normal. I have had this feeling for more than a year now (which I assume was due to endometriosis on my bladder), but it has kind of gotten worse the last couple of days. My mom said to try drinking a lot of water. Sorry for all the details, but you never know, maybe someone else has experienced the same thing.

So during this post my husband helped to calm me down. He convinced me there's not that much to do with the house and, like I suspected, this lessened my infertility-related depression as well. Not to mention I cried a little and I always feel better after that. Plus, the Mets won their spring training game! Yay! Opening day's almost here!