To start or not to start

Last night there was an adoption orientation meeting at the agency that we are most likely going to use. They hold them once a month on Thursday nights, but since my husband works nights we'll never be able to attend it together. I've been to meetings like this alone before, but I just really wanted him to be there. So today he emailed to see if we could come in during the day and they immediately responded that we can come next Thursday. We were excited and glad they responded so quickly.

Then... tonight I decided to check an email account that we rarely use. We actually set it up as a joke, because we saw that so many couples had joint emails that combined their names (no offense if you do, it's just that we each separately have so many accounts that it was funny to think that we'd have just one together). So apparently (and for some unknown reason) we put that email on our adoption application to Catholic Charities (the agency that friends of ours have been on the waiting list at for a year and a half), because there was an email from them in the inbox. It said they were starting the homestudy process for couples open to adopting an african american or bi-racial baby, and since we had put on our application that we were interested in that, they wanted to know if we would like to start the homestudy process. And the date of the email?? FEBRUARY 13th!

I emailed them back, even though we aren't completely sure they're the agency we want to use, asking if it was too late. I just keep wondering, what does this mean? Were we not supposed to see that email when it was first mailed? And if so, is that because we're not supposed to use them? Is our child waiting for us with the other agency? Then I wonder, maybe I'm looking too far into this. I'm just so stuck on the idea that God has a plan for us, and I know He does, but am I too hyper-focused on it when it comes to adoption?

So we'll wait to hear back from Catholic Charities, and we'll look forward to meeting with the other on Thursday. I'm still not sure about all of this, but I just want children so badly. Is that wrong? Is there a point at which I'll know I'm officially ready to adopt, and perhaps I'm not there yet? It's not like we haven't thought about it a lot. I've wanted to adopt since I was a child. And since all this started with infertility, we've attended four adoption seminars, seriously considered a fifth program, and that doesn't even count the two agencies here in Virginia. But instead of showing how much thought we've given it, perhaps the fact that we've looked into so many agencies shows we're not sure about it. Even as I write this, I don't feel like adoption is really ahead of us, but then again, that is probably a normal feeling even if it is meant to be. I just believe that God knows who our first child will be, and I don't want to do anything that is not part of His plan. I don't know. My heart tells me to attend the meeting next Thursday, and to keep praying about it. I just pray that God shows me what to do.