Bad mood

I'm kind of in a rut today, just bummed out and feeling sorry for myself. I'm not even sure what to write in this post. I guess it's all of the boxes that are weighing me down. I'm so over the boxes. Not to mention things keep breaking. Our washer and dryer aren't working at the moment and it caused us to be in pretty bad moods tonight. It's hard because we just don't know enough to figure out what is wrong with them and we're really hoping we don't end up having to buy new ones, since they're only three years old. So not that God is up there focusing on our washer and dryer, but I prayed and gave it up to Him. So we'll see.

It's just that everything seems so hard and I feel very beat up by life right now. Why can't anything be easy? My husband was telling me a story today about an interview he heard on the radio about a father and son who each wrote books about the son's meth abuse and subsequent recovery. My husband said both father and son claim to be atheists, but spoke about how people always wanted them to find God during their difficult ordeal. The father talked about how at times he would cry out "please help my son" to no one in particular, but when the interviewer asked him if he was praying he said no, he was probably just hedging his bets. My husband's reaction was not only was he in fact praying (but probably didn't realize that his soul was crying out to its Creator), but that God answered his prayers! His son recovered and they are now doing interviews about books they wrote! How can they not see God's work in that? So as my husband is telling me this I immediately began thinking, God answered the prayers of a man who doesn't even believe in Him, yet isn't answering mine! I mean, doesn't the New Testament talk about the role of faith in healings and in answered prayers? I know I can't compare myself to others, and I'm obviously glad God helped that family (even if they don't recognize His role). But it's hard not to think these thoughts.

I just can't possibly understand why God would keep children from any couple. I just can't wrap my mind around it on so many levels. You enter into a marriage before God expecting to honor Him with children. Why would He not use us for this purpose? It doesn't make sense. I know these thoughts come and go and I'm trying not to have them run my life. But I think it's okay to voice them at times, especially in the context of this blog. It keeps me from crying and venting to my husband, which usually lasts a lot longer than it takes me to type this.

Maybe what set me off today is that I'm so sick of reading headlines about people who abuse and kill their babies. Today I read about how a mother left her two babies in a bathtub because American Idol was on and when one of her other kids went to check on them, one of the babies wasn't breathing. I believe the child survived (thanks be to God), but come on! How can God permit people like this to have so many children? I know that free will and original sin and all of that enters into it, but that doesn't make me feel any better.

So tomorrow will be full of emptying more boxes. I have to say that I can't complain too much because my wonderful husband has done the bulk of the work. We just have one bedroom packed full of boxes now, and our kitchen was taken over by boxes tonight when we emptied out our apartment's kitchen. When things are more set up and pictures and curtains are hung, I'm going to post some pictures here. I can't wait til we're all settled.