Cycle day 12

I feel so out of it lately! Achy legs, exhaustion, abdominal pains on both sides.

I'd love to know what is causing every last symptom. That's how I am with everything. I like to know why things are happening, and it bugs me that I understand so very little about all of this. I'm not worried about what they mean, I just want to know.

So I am left to just hope that these are all good signs. I know the six days of peak-type mucus I've had so far is a good sign, so that's something to focus on.

Really, though, I'm trying not to focus on anything except relaxing. My only contribution to this process - other than taking my pills on time - is to do my best to provide a stress-free environment for my follicle to grow and prosper. So I've decided in order to do this to the best of my ability, I must take it easy, not worry and watch lots of T.V. on the couch. I'm a pro at the T.V. part, but the not worrying might be a bit more difficult. I'm going to give it a shot though!

Offering it up

So I am trying out a new coping mechanism.

For a while now, I have been deeply, deeply bothered by some things - things Catholics do that are not in accordance with the Church, or really, anything anyone does that could cause the Lord sorrow. For example, anything from the president promoting abortion to people taking the Eucharist who should not be taking it.

Now, I know I shouldn't go around judging others, and every time I pray for people I see doing wrong, I always make a point to pray for myself and my own sins first. I know I am not perfect, not even close, but it doesn't change the fact that my heart breaks when I see people making mistakes. Not only do I feel pain for Christ because I know he longs for these souls, but I feel pain for the people themselves. For whatever reason, they are on my heart and I feel called to pray for them.

At the same time, I know that with everything I need to fix within myself, I shouldn't be wasting time pointing the finger at others. But lately, I just haven't been able to shake my sadness for all these people. I wrestle with it internally and I feel like it is eating away at me because there is nothing I can do about it. Yes, I pray, but it just doesn't feel like enough. I mean, the world is going to hell in a hand basket! Do any of us feel better after praying for, say, an end to abortion? As long as it's still going on, you never feel good about it.

So, the other day I had an epiphany. All of a sudden, I felt strongly that I needed to combine the two issues I am currently struggling with: My desire to "save" these people who I see sinning against the Eucharist, and my infertility. So I decided that whenever I feel depressed about my current inability to procreate, I will offer up my suffering for all those who are causing our Lord sorrow in this way.

I am actually pretty hopeful about this. Usually I know right away if something will work, and I really feel like this will. I'll let you know how it goes.

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In cycle news, it's cycle day 10. I saw some peak-type mucus rather early this cycle (days six through eight), but then yesterday was a 6PC day (pasty, cloudy). Then, when I spent most of the day without mucus today, I was starting to get concerned that something weird was going on. A bunch of good mucus days early, then two dry days? But tonight my cervix came through and I saw some 10 C/K L (stretchy, cloudy-clear, lubricative). There's one less thing to worry about, I guess. Maybe I'll actually ovulate at a normal time this cycle! If I end up having eight days of mucus (which I believe is a really good amount), then that means I'm gearing up for a cycle day 14 peak day! Okay...I'm not getting all worked up about this. I know I cannot plan out my cycle, no matter how hard I try!

Physically, I am EXHAUSTED today. It's one of those days when every time I stand up, I have to be prepared to black out a little and nearly fall over. Nice, right? And while two days ago I wanted to eat everything I could get my hands on, today and yesterday I have had to force myself to eat. I just know that is related to hormones.

Emotionally, I am feeling great. Today was such beautiful weather, that you couldn't help but be in a good mood. And we had a new storm door installed yesterday, so I was able to leave the main door open today, which meant the living room was flooded with light. And since it's one of those doors where you can move the screen up and down, I used the screen all day and it just felt like Spring! I just love thinking about a new season being here. It's just something different, you know? And different is exactly what I need.

Cycle news

I am home, but I just haven't been in the mood for writing much lately. I'm still decompressing from last week, I think. I am on cycle day seven and will take my last dose of Tamoxifen this evening. Today I had some peak-type mucus, which I found interesting. It was 8 C/K L, or stretchy, cloudy-clear and lubricative. I'm taking it as a good sign that perhaps the B6 is working this time around and I will have a normal amount of mucus throughout the next week. And I'm really praying I ovulate before day 22, like last time. Last cycle was a couple steps backwards.

I haven't taken my temperature yet this cycle and I may or may not continue like this. I just feel a little tired of it all. Not in a giving-up sort of way, but just in a I-am-too-lazy-to-worry-about-it-this-month way. I'm just mentally tired and need a break. And, interestingly enough, letting go of some of the worry can only help my chances.

With that being said, I do have one thing I have been worrying about. I am perplexed as to how Jeremiah 29:11's doctor decided her progesterone level was indicative of a need for prometrium, while my doctor decided my progesterone - the exact same progesterone level as Jeremiah 29:11, mind you - was "excellent." And we go to the same practice! I just don't know what to think. Is there a differing of opinion among doctors on what is low? But to the point that he'd call mine "excellent"? I guess it doesn't really matter. I have decided to wait until I get my peak +7 results from this cycle, and then, if the progesterone is roughly the same, I will ask questions.

The other possibility is that I had the blood work done too late this cycle. I knew my Creighton peak day probably wasn't anywhere near the day of my ovulation. And that is especially evident now because if the day I had my blood drawn truly was peak +7, then my luteal phase was only nine days. But my luteal phase has never been that short; it is always 11 or 12 days. But, if my practitioner was correct to assume my peak day was actually two days earlier, that would mean my luteal phase was 11 days and (are you following this?) that my peak +7 draw was actually a peak +9 draw. So, that being said, is that better or worse news that my progesterone was 8.21 on peak +9? Obviously we know now that I wasn't pregnant at the time, so if we assume it had been higher and had dropped by the day of the draw (two days before my cycle ended), is that too early for it to start dropping?

Sorry if that is confusing. The fact that it is so hard to explain means I need to stop thinking about all of this. Who cares, right? It is up to God if and when I conceive. It is a waste of time for me to pretend I have anything to do with it. I know, I can take care of my health, lose weight and take my medication, but worrying about test results isn't going to change them. Worrying only hurts my chances.

Right now I am stalking the agency's website to see when our picture and birth parent letter go up. Ahhh...adoption is a post for another time. I'm still conflicted and I'm worried it isn't going to change anything. It's great that I have been able to separate the two (adoption and infertility) in my mind, but I am realizing that they are two separate things and adoption isn't going to solve the pains of infertility. But, like I said, that's a post for another time.

Now I need to go watch lots of great television (Big Love, Syracuse basketball, American Idol and Lost) with my husband. What a perfect night!

What a day

Is anyone else sickened by all this media coverage? Not that I am watching any, because I sure as heck am not. But the few seconds I have caught have been embarrassing. They have all lost their minds. I turned to NBC for three seconds this afternoon only to hear Brian Williams imply that he cried during the speech. WHAT? I don't care if every single man, woman and child in America cried during that speech, a journalist should NEVER say that!

These journalists are gushing and it is embarrassing and unethical (except for my husband, of course. He's the only one who didn't have a huge smile on his face). That is not their job. Go home and watch it on DVR after your shift and cry all you want in the privacy of your own home. Just don't do it while wearing your journalist hat.

I could go on and on, but for the sake of my sanity, I won't.

In cycle news, I talked with my Creighton practitioner last night and she helped me clear everything up. I love talking with her! It's like talking with my doctor. They're so positive and calm me right down.

She thinks my peak day was Saturday, based on yellow stamp instructions. So that means my temp rise came one day before my peak day this cycle, which I'm pretty sure is good news.

Speaking of temp rises, I looked through my past three or four months of charts and discovered that has never happened before - my temp always rises after my peak day. So I'm taking that as a good sign! It's something different, at least, and different is good.

Well I'm off to adoration. I don't like going by myself at night, but like the woman in charge of the adoration chapel I went to in New York always said, our angels are protecting us. I will be praying for all of you! And for all the unborn babies, for those who get abortions, perform abortions, fight for abortion, promote abortion and legislate abortion. And for our president, that he may have a conversion and that his heart may be softened. God has performed bigger miracles than that...It could happen.

Feeling good

Thanks for all your help, you guys! Your comments made me feel a lot better. And Andnotbysight - I have to say that yours was VERY encouraging. And not that I am putting all my stock in this cycle, but it's nice to be reminded that everything doesn't have to work perfectly in order to have the desired result.

I am doing much better today. I wasn't all that bad last night, just a little worked up. I calmed down and went to bed, albeit pretty late (I watched some autopsy show until 3 a.m.!). My animals all took care of me. Sophie slept next to me all night (when I woke up, she was shoved up against me and I could barely move!) and the cats refrained from batting me in the face with their paws. That's all I can ask for!

Today I am just trusting in God, and giving all of this worry back over to him. I need to work on not taking it back from him, though! I have a tendency to do that. I am looking at the bigger picture and figure that, worst case scenario, if something else is wrong, then it is an answer to prayer that we find out about it. Seriously, if you are praying that any other problems that may be there come to light, then you better be ready when they do.

So far today, I have seen some more mucus, 10C, and it was even a little pasty, if that's possible with that much stretch. I don't know. I've been charting for nearly three years and sometimes I still feel clueless. In my heart of hearts, I believe I have already ovulated. I know that doesn't affect my peak day at all, and that you often ovulate before peak, but I'm just saying. I decided that I am going to call my doctor tomorrow or Wednesday and tell him that I am having a difficult time determining my peak day, which I need to do in order to have my blood drawn on peak +7. Hopefully he will be able to weigh in on that.

No matter when my peak day was, I am obviously having a lot of mucus this cycle (I think today is my twelfth day of it), although very little quantity each day. And, the quality has been declining each day since my temperature spike. So, that much mucus isn't normal, but I just don't know how abnormal or problematic it may be. But that's where that trust should be kicking in! There's nothing I can do about it right now, so I will not worry.

Right now I am getting ready to drop my paperwork off at our agency. It's amazing to think that we have done our part (well, we still owe hundreds of dollars for the home study, but that isn't billed until we're approved) and now we wait. Our friends have been waiting a few months longer than us and so I know we won't get picked until after they are. And since my friend has been watching the agency's website for almost a year now, and seeing how many waiting families are moved to a "placement in progress" status each month, she estimates that we could have a baby by the summer. We will see!

Lots of questions *Updated

I need your help with something, if you'd be so kind. I'm think yesterday was my peak day, but I'm not sure. Wednesday was 10KL x1 (stetches an inch or more, clear, lubricative, one time), Thursday was 10KL x1 as well, and yesterday was 8K x1 (stretched 1/2 inch, clear). It was still the same type of mucus, nothing was all that different other than it was a little less stretchy and it wasn't lubricative. So was yesterday my peak day (assuming I see nothing today)?

My temperature was still up this morning at 98.4. I had some abdominal pain the last few days, but nothing too painful. I charted slight pain on both sides, with a little more of it on the left side, if I really had to say. Nothing like the pain I had on both sides while I was taking the Tamoxifen earlier this cycle. I had pretty bad pain on days four through seven (anyone else experience that on ovulation drugs?).

I have continued to feel the weird leg sensation I usually get at the end of my cycle for the past three or four days. The only other new symptom I've experienced is enormous fatigue. Yesterday and the day before I napped from like 5 p.m. to 7 p.m., both nights. That is so unlike me! I never nap. It looks as if I ovulated on one of those days, so I guess that could be the reason. Does anyone else get really tired when they ovulate?

In other news, it looks like all of the loose ends are tied up with our home study. I just have to show the birth parent letter to a couple people for input, then everything will be ready to turn in on Monday. I can't believe it!

At first I couldn't decide which picture I wanted to use for our profile on the agency's website and I was going to post a few here for all of you to weigh in on, but I picked one today. Here's the picture we're going to use:

Would you trust your baby with these people?

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*Update: So, I just had more peak-type mucus. This time it was 10K, and it was possibly L, but my instructor once told me that if you have to question it, then it's not lubricative. I also started to have abdominal pain this evening, more in the middle than on the left or right. While it's not very bad, it is the most pain I've felt in the last few days.

So what does this mean? Today is cycle day 18, and I often ovulate this late, but I thought it'd be earlier on the medication. My temp clearly went up yesterday, and was still up today. Could this be a sign of a problem, that my temp rises that far ahead of my last day of peak-type mucus? It has never happened before.

I am so frustrated. It's just hard because my husband leaves tomorrow morning for D.C. and now we might not even be able to time it on the right days! I had a feeling this would happen - that he would be gone and we'd miss ovulation - but I brushed it aside and was positive all week. Now, the most I can hope for is that today is my last day of mucus and that we are able to get it in under the gun. Forget the count of three.

I am trying to remain calm and just give it up to God. There's nothing we can do about it. We can just do the best we can with what we are given. I guess this might be a chance for me to stay positive and to persevere when things look bleak. I am going to try to remain positive and put all my hope in the Lord.

That being said, if you have any insight, it would be greatly appreciated.

I'm thinking I ovulated

That's right!

All signs point to ovulation, so I'm hopeful at least. I finally saw some 10KL late last night (good thing we go to bed late, or it would have been a green sticker day!) and I'm wondering if the B6 finally kicked in. Then, this morning my temperature rose to 98.4. That's pretty high for me! And it had been hovering around 97.5-97.6, so that's almost a full point rise. I'm not sure what a bigger than normal rise might mean, but it sounds good!

So I definitely had way less mucus than normal. My peak day usually sees 10KL AD or at least x3. I guess if I wasn't taking my bbt, I'd think I hadn't ovulated yet. Is that bad that I rely on my temp? I'm obviously going to still chart any mucus I see today, so I guess today could end up being my peak day. Can you ovulate after your temp rise?

Okay, more questions: Will the B6 cause me to produce mucus today, possibly causing confusion about when I ovulated? Or when the hormones change, does it stop working? Just curious. I have to get my blood drawn on peak +7, so I really don't want to mess that up. I'm wondering if I should still take it tonight. I guess if I don't have any mucus today that I won't take it tonight, and assume I already ovulated. But, then again, if it weren't for the fact that I take my temp (which Creighton tells you not to do), that situation would be identical to what happened yesterday and I would have taken the B6! If you were able to follow that, you'd know my point is that I'm wondering how people with not a lot of mucus, who don't temp (since Creighton tells us not to), figure this out.

So if yesterday was my peak day, that means I'm going to have to get my blood drawn on the same day we're going to the March for Life. I'm going to have to find a lab up in Northern VA of D.C. to have it drawn. Okay, even more questions: Do you have to fast for a peak +7 draw of progesterone and estradiol? Because that would be bad. Although I could dedicate it to all the unborn babies, I guess. Does it count if I'm really fasting to have blood drawn??

Okay, I've got to go get ready because we are going out to lunch. I saved money from our grocery budget the past two weeks, so it is a guilt-free meal! Those are the best!

Mid-cycle confusion

No mucus yet. What's up, B6? I know, it's not like I started it when I should have, but I'm still holding out hope that it'll take effect.

So I am EXHAUSTED lately. For instance, I slept today from like five to seven. That's not like me! I'm not a napper. And lately, on this very blog, I have been bragging about how much energy I've had in the last couple months. Since Monday, though, I have been tired to the point of not being able to keep my eyes open. Could this be the Tamoxifen? It's not the new vitamins because I only started those yesterday. Who knows. What I do know it is definitely cycle related because I don't think anything with me isn't cycle related.

Speaking of my cycle, it's day 16 and I haven't ovulated yet. Well, I haven't ovulated yet as far as I know. Yesterday was 10KL x1 and so far today, I would chart 4AD. But my temperature hasn't risen (I know, I know...) and I just don't feel like I have. Although now that I think about it, I do feel different today. I haven't had any abdominal pains and the feeling I've had lately in my legs is gone. Maybe I am just not used to it happening this early, so I am expecting more mucus. We'll see soon, I guess.

I have to admit, though, that I can't remember if I had some 6K today or not. Part of me thinks I did, and part of me thinks that was yesterday. I am so bad about this. Sometimes I just can't keep it all straight and I don't want to get to the point of having to take notes after every bathroom visit. I am already keeping enough of a record of my life when I chart everything at night. To do more than that might drive me insane.  I don't know, though. I might have to in order to have my peak +7 blood draw done on the right day. I've been worried all cycle that I'm not going to get that right, which is crazy because I have no reason to think that will happen. I just hope it doesn't end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Alright, I am going to go make some food - despite the fact that I am not hungry - so I can take my B6 (I got a little nauseous last night so I am not taking any chances). Seriously, if it weren't for all the medications I take which require to be taken with food, I would eat a lot less than I do. What a change - I used to eat to make me happy and now I eat to take pills. Oh well. That is my life.

Found it!

Well I just took my first dose of B6 - 500 mg sustained release! I was so excited when I found it, which didn't happen until I visited three more stores today, putting my grand total at eight. When I looked at it on the shelf, I thought it was a beautiful B6 mirage. After stared at it for a while, and reading "sustained release" like ten times just to be sure, I believe I let out a little yelp in the middle of the store.

By the way, my quest took me to a lot of health food and high-end organic grocery stores. I felt like I was seeing how the other half lives! Seriously, though, who can afford this stuff? I had hoped to get a couple things we need at the one store since I had gone all the way there, but the couple dollars that my budget would allow wouldn't have gotten me much, that's for sure! Things cost nearly twice as much as normal! I just hope I get pregnant before it dawns on me that I need to eat organic to help my hormones. Deep down I know that's probably best, but holy cow, it's expensive!

So I've heard you can see results pretty soon from the B6, and I'm hoping I didn't miss my chance to have it do its magic this month. Today is cycle day 15. I saw some 10KL (stretchy, clear and lubricative) this morning, and only 10K (not lubricative) since then. So ovulation is coming, but it is anyone's guess how quickly.

Another interesting side note, I've posted a little bit about a sensation I get in my legs right before a cycle is coming to an end. It always happens, without fail. Well, I totally have had the feeling for a few days now. I also had it around ovulation time last cycle as well. So I'm just curious what it means, because I think it's so interesting. I'm guessing that whatever hormone causes it at the end is also rising mid cycle now as well.. estrogen perhaps? That rises mid cycle, right? (You'd really think I'd be more educated about this stuff, seeing that it is my obsession, but I really don't have a clue). Ya, I think it does.

Thanks for your vitamin advice, by the way. I also decided to keep my GN.C prenatals. The upside is the folic acid is the highest I've found (1,000 mcg), while the downside is it involves taking four pills. That's right, four. I found one today at Who.le Foo.ds that has 1,000 mcg folic acid and comes in one pill, but I'd already opened mine so I'm stuck with them for 30 days.

Well, not much else to talk about. That's usually what happens this time of the cycle for me, I think. I'm not yet waiting, not depressed about anything, but right in the middle of it. I'm going to pray tonight that the B6 creates some wonderful mucus, that my follicles are mature, that my eggs are good quality and that they find their way to the right places. Yes, I meant that to be plural. I might as well ask God for big things!

The letter *Updated

I just can't do it. I'm not entirely sure why, but my mind is a completely empty when it comes to this. I cannot, for the life of me, think of absolutely anything to say in the birthparent letter.

I've looked online. I've read blogs and websites that give tips. I've read other letters. I've prayed. I've read the tips our agency gives us. I've thought about it for nearly four months.

My husband was nice enough to write one yesterday, but because I am a control-freak, I don't want to use it. He is more of a fact person and this letter needs to be more flowery and emotional. If it were just going in our file, I'd use his letter because I don't think the letter is going to be the deciding decision in whether a birthparent picks us. Our social worker even told us most birthmothers ask them to pick for them. I'm stressing because it is going to go online and our family, friends and strangers (including the other waiting couples) will be able to read it.

As I re-read that last paragraph, it seems like I am spending way too much time caring what other people think. I don't really care, though. I just want an average letter to put up there that will blend in with the others. It doesn't have to be anything special. I just want to get it DONE. (I know, I know.. you're thinking, then use your husband's letter. I might use parts of it, but I have to re-work it and that is still overwhelming me).

What is getting me, I think, is the opening line/paragraph. So many are so hokey. I just cannot figure out how to start it. And you are probably thinking I just need to relax and do it, just say anything. That's fine.. but I can't! My mind is blank. Utterly blank.

Not surprisingly, it has crossed my mind whether this writers' block means that we're not supposed to adopt. That seems silly, but if my heart was into it, wouldn't this be at least a little bit easier?

So I am wasting another day at my computer, alternating between staring at a blank Word file and googling "birthparent letter."

I wish I didn't have to do this.

And if this letter wasn't causing me enough stress this cycle and potentially hurting my fragile hormone balance, I realized yesterday that my husband might not be around when I ovulate this month, and all because of the inauguration, which he has to cover for work (of course, right? As if I wasn't already upset enough about this inauguration, now it might affect my first Tamoxifen cycle????). 

I could scream, but I won't because I am trying to not stress about it so that I don't cause a later ovulation, thereby pretty much ensuring he will be gone for it. What a vicious cycle!

I am on cycle day 12. He will be gone the Jan. 19-21, and will be back home on the 22nd. That means he will be gone on cycle days 20-22. That sounds okay, but my peak day has been around day 18 every other month lately and so while he might be here for my peak day, he'd be gone for at least part of the count of three. I know, I know...we should be fine. I'm just nervous about the possibility that I'll ovulate late. Does anyone know if drugs like Clomid and Tamoxifen affect when you ovulate, like causing it to happen sooner or later than normal?

The good news is if this every other month thing keeps up, this month will be a cycle where I ovulate early, possibly by mid-week even, around day 15. That would be ideal. So I am probably worrying about it for no reason. 

I'm also not looking forward to him being gone. I'll be so lonely. Hopefully I will at least still be doing well emotionally.

I've also been seeing less mucus than normal, but last month I said that very same thing and the next day started a string of days where I saw wonderful mucus, so I won't go there.

I need to stop worrying and stressing; I can be my own worst enemy. I still have a positive attitude, I'm trusting in the Lord that I will get pregnant one day, and I've given up worrying about the big things. No wonder I am finding little things to stress about. I'm just filling the void that was left, apparently.

I think I'm going to go pray more about the letter.

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*Update: Well maybe it was your prayers, or maybe it was my venting on this blog, but soon after clicking "publish" on this post, the words began to flow. (Great advice, though, that several of you left in the comments about writing it in adoration! If I hadn't been able to do it tonight, I would have definitely tried that)

So, in the end, my letter is very similar to my husband's. Other than a couple lines at the beginning and end, I didn't even use his as I wrote mine. I realized they were nearly identical once I was finished. It makes sense, since it's the same life we were writing about. I think I just needed to do it myself. Maybe it was something I needed to work through. I know I feel better now that it's over, and better than had I just used his. Although it was awfully nice of him to do it. 

And since one stressful thing usually makes me stress about other things, having this letter out of the way has already made me relax about my cycle. Next, we'll edit it and show it to others for their thoughts, but the hardest part is over. What a weight lifted off my shoulders! Now we just have to find my husband's missing DMV pin number needed to access the DMV website in order to print out his driving records. They have to mail it to you, and it was sent to our old address because that is what is in the system for him, but the mail is no longer forwarded. Ahhh! We will finish this home study one way or another!!

Adoration and medication

I just came from adoration. I have never been more confident that I am supposed to spend this time of waiting suffering gracefully, and graciously, and absorbing everything that God wants me to learn. I want to give myself over to him completely and for him to allow us to follow only his path, whatever that may be. I told the Lord tonight that although I fail miserably at this every day, to have mercy on me and I will continue to do my best.

But, seriously, I am pathetic. Do you know how long it's been since I prayed a Rosary? And I choose the computer or television over prayer every day. But then, when I need him, I turn to God, begging him to deliver me from my suffering. When it's convenient for me, I pray for myself and maybe throw in some prayers for all of you and anything else that crosses my mind. What is wrong with me? I need to overhaul things in a big way.

I dreamed I was pregnant last night. I'd never done that before. I've dreamed of babies, which may or may not have been mine, but never of being pregnant. In my dream it was very early on, and although I'd like to say it had the potential to be realistic, it did not. I was seeing my doctor (not my real doctor) in what looked like a college dorm room. The only thing I remember is I was sitting on a bed with a friend next to me and the "doctor" told me I was one and a half centimeters dilated. What!? I wasn't even showing yet! I looked around and there were women sitting on the other side of the bed, waiting for their appointments. It was very weird. I remember being very happy, though!

Today I took my last dose of Tamoxifen. I don't think I had any side effects, but I did have some heartburn the last two days and I got nauseous briefly tonight. I also had some pain on my left side near my ovary last night, and it was bad enough to take advil, which I hardly ever do (because I like to be completely aware of the pain). I had more pain there tonight, around the same time, but it wasn't nearly as bad and I didn't take anything this time. 

I've also been meaning to ask, does anyone know how I could get some more charts? I ran out, and I asked my instructor for more, but she's really busy and so I don't want to bother her again. I could make my own, which I will probably do, but I really wanted more Creighton ones. If anyone has any suggestions, like if I can buy them somewhere, please let me know.

Speaking of charting, today is cycle day seven. My chart looks like this so far:
1-L
2-H
3-M
4-VL 0AD
5-VL 0AD
6-0AD
7-VL 8B x2 (I'm not sure this is charted correctly)

I figure the spotting is due to the Tamoxifen and so I'm not concerned. I am excited for this cycle and if it is not THE cycle, then I will do my best to stay positive. Lord, have mercy on me!

Magical thinking

Happy New Year's Eve! We are getting ready to visit my in-laws for the next two days. And I'll also have a chance to see Lifehopes and, hopefully, her new puppy!

I'm doing good. Trying to keep the positive attitude going! I had a mini-breakdown yesterday but I picked myself back up, starting working on things on my to-do list, and immediately started feeling better.

Once again my cycle is seeing changes. I am now on day 14 of my luteal phase, the longest I've gone since I started charting. They are normally eleven days, a couple were twelve, and earlier this year, after my surgery, they were even shorter. No, I do not think I am pregnant. I feel pre-menstrual and I know it will come at any point. The only reason I am even posting about it is because I'm trying not to let superstitions get the best of me. At the end of my cycles, I always post that it hasn't come yet, then get it right afterwards. So, my tendency would be to not post today, to ward it off. But because I know that way of thinking is insane and possibly even worth confessing, I am forcing myself to post. God isn't going to put off a new cycle simply because I DIDN'T POST ABOUT IT ON MY BLOG! He is in control, not me. I am trying to combat those superstitions by posting, to show God that I know that it is up to Him and not some magical thinking. I have always had a tendency toward magical thinking.

That being said, a 13 day luteal phase - or longer - will be nice. Not that my 11 or 12 day ones weren't good. My doctor just told me on Monday that are perfectly fine. But isn't one day longer even better? Maybe not. But at the very least it shows that things are still changing, hence the reason (perhaps) that I haven't conceived yet. Hormones are still shifting and fixing themselves and haven't settled down yet. Things are still getting even healthier. The body taking a lot of time to heal is always one of the themes of my doctor's appointments. Somehow that is so easy for doctors to realize but much harder for us patients to understand.

I have been struggling with some faith questions that I will post more about here soon. Mainly, how to have hope and faith that our specific prayer will be answered when we know that for some people, it is not. I know, that's nothing new. I've written about it here a million times. I just always come back to it. I do feel as if the Holy Spirit has filled me with a new desire to ask big things of God and trust that he can and will deliver, but that voice in my head is always whispering, But some people pray and pray and never conceive. What about them? While that statement is most certainly true, I think that might be the devil pushing me to doubt God and his awesome power.

But that is a topic for another time. I also wanted to share with you a blog I found through Just Another Catholic Mom. It's the blog of a woman who passed away on Christmas Eve, and it pulled my heart out this morning as I sat here and sobbed as I read it. While her struggle is very different from that of infertility, it is clear she had a lot to teach all those who suffer. I think I can learn a lot from her words about finding joy in the darkness (a column she wrote about it weeks before her death can be found here). For me, personally, reading all this (at the very least) will help to soften the blow of starting a new cycle today. It really puts things into perspective and reminds me that I have so much. Not that our time here on earth is the end all be all - she is in Heaven where we all desire to be - but it reminds me that the time we have been given to do His work is short and it shouldn't be wasted wallowing in sadness. I hope I can find joy in my darkness, if that is where I find myself the next few days.

Cycle update and Carmie J.

Isn't it funny how once we ovulate (or have an "ovulatory event" - I'm not going to believe I ovulated until I get pregnant), we forget what cycle day we're on? At least I do. I started to write what day I'm on and I have no idea. So, instead, I will say that I am eleven days past peak. Eleven days and no spotting in sight, at least at this very moment.

Last cycle I think my luteal phase was eleven days. The cycle before that it was twelve. So I might start tomorrow, or I might start on Tuesday. Or I might not start at all. Hahaha... Of course I am just kidding! What a jokester I am. I definitely do not feel like this cycle is any different than any other failed cycle. I feel pre-menstrual (whatever that means, since it always seems to manifests in different ways) and nothing feels out of the ordinary. I've had a sensation in my legs on an off through the entire cycle, so that can be checked off the list. I'm starting to get depressed, which always happens. And my bbs are sore, but, then again, that could be my new bra.

Not starting my cycle is a good thing, I guess, since I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. If I am able to start taking Femara, then at least I can start it this cycle. I have to say, my doctor's appointments always seem to be scheduled at just the right time (this has not gone unnoticed, God!), which usually means the perfect time for whatever necessary blood work. Tomorrow it will hopefully mean the perfect time for drugs.

The actual reason for tomorrow's appointment is for an adoption physical. I'm a little nervous about how it will all go down. See, at my last appointment I asked my infertility doctor (not that that's his official title) if he could do the physical when the time came. He said yes. I knew to ask because a friend of mine goes to him as well, and he did her adoption physical. But then when I called to make the appointment, the woman on the phone acted like that was nuts and said he can't do that. So, believing that she was nuts instead, I went ahead and made the appointment for an annual. I hope that when I get there tomorrow I will tell him why I'm really there, hand him the physical checklist and he will say okay.

Let's be honest - the adoption physical is just a front. More face time with him means more time to talk about my cycles, which means more time to figure out what's going on, which means more time to get me pregnant. If he says tomorrow that he can't do the physical, I will just schedule one with a primary care physician, and I will at least get a chance to show him my chart and ask for Femara. It will be more than worth the three-hour round-trip drive.

So hopefully I'll have a lot to update tomorrow!

On a completely unrelated topic, I got a new camera for my birthday and I love it. It's 13.6 megapixels. 13.6! To put it in perspective, the four-year old camera we got for our wedding that I have been using was only 3.1. That's like quadruple the megapixels!

To show the fruits of my new camera, I thought I'd post a picture of one of my cats, since they don't get a lot of attention on this blog (although they just did, in fact, get some play when I posted our Christmas card photo last week. Speaking of that picture, I later realized I messed up because I failed to post the actual Christmas card in which I included the bible verse for which this blog is named. It was a little shout out to anyone on our Christmas card list who knows about the blog, which is about three people, or so I hope. Anyways...)

So this is Carmie:



Or Carmie J. as Ryan likes to call him. He's definitely our most photogenic pet (sorry Sophie and Jasper). He's also the fattest, by a landslide. He's also on the bottom of the pet totem pole - he is dominated by both Sophie and Jasper and any other animal that visits our house, for that matter.


Isn't he cute, though?

He's named after Carmelo Anthony who played for our favorite college basketball team, Syracuse, when they won the national championship. At the end of that season we went out in search of an orange cat to name Carmelo. We attempted to call him Melo, which is his namesake's nickname, but it just didn't stick. He's definitely a Carmie.

We say that Carmie is a lover because when given the choice of where to sleep in the entire house, he chooses right next to you with at least one arm or leg wrapped around you. It's the sweetest thing, but also hot in the summer.

So that's one of our pets. To make use of my camera, I'll profile the others in the days ahead, so get excited!

Not letting this get me down

I'm okay. I'm not going to let this ruin my Christmas. We are leaving for my parents' house Sunday night and I can't wait. I haven't been home since August and I have only been home three times this whole year. I also haven't seen one of my sisters since last Christmas. I can't even begin to describe how much I've been looking forward to this. I am SO excited and even stupid infertility can't rob me of that.

I will get to meet my sister's new boyfriend and then there's the other sister who just got engaged. My parents are having my dad's office party at their house on Tuesday and that's always fun. Then there's Christmas of course, and let me just say that my parents still buy us a TON of presents. Then on Friday we'll celebrate my birthday early. We'll also shoot some video for my documentary on Wednesday (speaking of which, I have to start posting some clips from that here). There will be no reminders of pregnancy or babies. It will just be fun and relaxing and the only thing I'm not looking forward to is leaving Friday night.

In cycle news, it's day twenty. I personally think I ovulated sometime between Wednesday afternoon and Thursday morning. I had great mucus - "10 KL AD" (or for those of you who don't speak Creighton - clear, lubricative and stretching an inch or more, all day) - three days in a row, Monday through Wednesday. I've never had that type of great quality for that long and that often during the day. I know that has to be an improvement. I'm still ovulating late, if I am ovulating at all. At least day 18 or 19 seems late, but I'm not sure what the window is for normal. I usually just make it in those windows.

Yesterday I woke up four hours earlier than normal, so my temping was screwed up, but I believe it still showed a rise. This morning it was 97.9. The day before, it was 97.8. So even though it was four hours earlier than the previous day, it was still up a tenth of a point. I think that shows that had I slept until my normal time, it would have likely been around 98.3.

That being said, I am very perplexed because it was low again this morning. I think it was 97.6. I know I shouldn't temp, but I did and now that temperature is really confusing. My temps are always very normal around this time of my cycle. They are practically all 97.8 and then, coinciding with my peak day of mucus, they always rise to around 98.3. So this is different and odd.

My back hurts. This is a relatively new phenomenon, mainly happening in the last two months. I think it is due to me standing up for long periods of time sewing, especially because I basically just sat on the couch prior to my sewing binge. 

Speaking of that, while I used to do it as my full-time job practically, I can't sit on the couch anymore at all. I tried today as my fabric was in the washing machine and had nothing else to sew, and I just couldn't do it. I was bored. How can someone's personality change so drastically so fast? I spent years either sitting on the couch or wishing I could. I mean, I had a bed pillow on the couch permanently! And let me clarify, when I say "sit" I actually mean lay. Staying relaxed during my surgery recovery was nothing because it was all I did even before the surgery. 

I guess my point is that I wasn't just lazy before, I was exhausted. I was weak. I felt dizzy when I stood up. The only time I felt good was when I was laying down on the couch watching t.v. It's kind of like my body and my mind were lazy. I didn't want anything to challenge me, I just wanted to veg out. I truly think this was a medical problem, and whether it was associated with a low thyroid, high prolactin or PCOS (all three things I started treating last Spring) or eating low carb, I'm not sure. All I know is that the fog has been lifted. I can clearly see that things have changed immensely.

Now I just need everything else to start working like it's supposed to. Ovaries, I'm talking about you here. 

Cycle update

I've got two more aprons under my belt. What is wrong with me? Do people even want or use aprons? Oh well. They're getting them. 

So I haven't written any kind of cycle update in a while, which always seems to happen when I'm in this part of my cycle - the middle. It's the busiest part but also since it changes day to day, I usually wait until I'm in the luteal phase to talk about it. Anyways, since there isn't much else to talk about...

Today is cycle day 16. This is my fifth day of mucus and it's improving in quality each day. Yesterday I had my first day of really good quality mucus, and today is the second day I've seen it. This is especially good because I didn't know what people meant when they described this type in years past - I saw mucus that was 10KL, but it was always more thick, and for the past few months, it's been a more watery 10KL in the couple days before ovulation. At least, I think this is good. I could be wrong. I wish the NaPro book they give you when you first start charting had the mucus pictures in them like the instructors' books (by the way - didn't you just love those pictures? They look like someone blew their nose on a blue napkin and is now showing you - yet it's worse because it didn't come from someone's nose! I just remember thinking how I might want to teach Creighton, but that I didn't know if I could handle those pictures all the time). 

The only slightly different thing I charted so far was mucus on day eight, followed by three dry days. It was the day after my period and then went back to dry for a few days until my real mucus started. I don't think that's a big deal or that weird, but I would have liked to see four days of green stickers (as I try to remember - I can't hyper-analyze...I can't hyper-analyze).

So that's where I am. My temp is still down, not that I put a lot of stock in temping, but it's just an extra sign. I also have been having pretty bad pain for the past few days near what I assume to be my ovaries. It's on both sides, but more on my left. But my left hurts every month. That was my really bad ovary before - the one that was five times the normal size due to a HUGE endometrioma. I guess it could be that it is just more sensitive (what I'm hoping), or that there are adhesions (I'm hoping not), or that I'm ovulating on that side right now (I'm really hoping!). Who knows!

Well we're getting ready to go out. I'm starting my monthly novena to the Infant of Prague tonight, so I'll keep you all in my prayers. And I'll also be saying some extra prayers for my husband's job. Television is a very vulnerable industry in a bad economy and the company that owns his station is laying off people at its other stations. He's getting text messages about it as I type this. We don't have a plan exactly if it were to happen to him, other than attempting to sell our house and moving back to NY where he has more contacts. Let's hope that doesn't happen. I'm not actually actively worrying about it, though, which is good. Stress is not good during this part of the cycle! 

Update

I feel like it's been forever! Actually, it's only been two days (well, three since technically I posted very early Tuesday morning) and I've really had nothing interesting to say. Not that I do have interesting things to say now, but I was just getting sick of seeing my last post up there.

Here's what we've been up to:

• I just returned minutes ago from ordering our Christmas cards at a copy place. I visited said copy place three times tonight in the pouring rain. I made multiple versions of said Christmas card - MULTIPLE versions - and finally - FINALLY - I asked enough questions, and the right questions apparently, in order to get what I wanted - two 5 x 7 prints to a page on glossy card stock, thank you very much. What I wouldn't give to have the printer my parents are getting us for Christmas right now.

• I want to share with you our Christmas card, but have decided to wait due to not wanting to spoil the surprise for those of you whom I know in real life and who are on our Christmas card list. Wait, that came out wrong - there is no surprise, per say. It's just that there is no point in mailing you one if you see it here first. You will have to wait. 
  

• I am on day 11 of this cycle and so far have had very little mucus. I had some on day seven, but it was only once and it was very cloudy (although still a 10...I rarely have mucus that isn't a 10) and then once today (10c). That being said, when I was having tons of mucus I wasn't getting pregnant, so I guess this could be a good thing. Not that small quantities of mucus are good necessarily, but change is good, therefore this could be good. There are always things you can do for mucus - not that I'm doing them yet, but I rest assured I can do them if I choose - and so if that ends up being my only problem now, then that would be great.

• I cannot believe there is only one week left until we head home to New York for Christmas. This month has just flown by. We haven't seen one of my sisters in an entire year. That seems crazy to me, since my family is really close and has never lived far from each other until a year and a half ago. I have a lot to do before then (including mailing Christmas cards), but I have finished most of my shopping so that is a big weight off my shoulders. Now I just have to sew three aprons before we leave and put together a home-made cookbook for my sister (back to Kin.kos I go). 

• Speaking of next week, we are going on a tour of the White House this coming Thursday morning that we're excited for. We're heading up there Wednesday night with a couple friends and staying over (in an actual hotel! I LOVE hotels!) because our tour is early the next morning. We've been on the White House tour before, but never at Christmas-time and we can't wait. And I'm glad to get in there one more time before it changes hands!

• I made more soup today and I can't wait to have some for dinner. 

• I've been having headaches almost every night this week, which is not normal for me. I haven't been taking anything for them because a) I still wonder if LUFs and ad.vil are related, despite my doctor telling me to take it if I need it and not worry about that, and b) sometimes I like to feel the pain so that I can chart that I had it and how bad it was. Is that weird? I do that with cramps mainly, but I find myself doing it with headaches too. I find it a little weird.

• Okay this is totally random, but we have a new obsession here in our household. Three words - Summer Heights High. Have you seen it on HBO? Oh my gosh. It is not for those of you who dislike swearing, that is for sure, but it is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. It's an Australian show that was on there last year and now HBO is playing the episodes, like it did last year with Extras. It's a mockumentary and follows three individuals at a high school. We are seriously obsessed and walk around singing the songs ("Welcome to Mr. G's room, G's room, G's room..."). There are only eight episodes, so I get sad every time one ends! It is not for the faint of heart, I will warn you, but we find it hysterical.

Well that's it for now. Hopefully my life will get more exciting in the coming days and I'll have more to post about. A visit from a fellow blogger, perhaps? There may be something being planned and it would involve lots of doggy pictures being posted here!

Bad day

Right after my earlier post today, my day went from bad to worse.

First, the UPS truck pulled up outside seconds after I clicked "publish." I was so excited. It was a bridesmaid dress from J.Cr.ew for my sister's wedding. She wanted to order it to see what we thought, but I had already fallen in love with it and was secretly getting my hopes up pretty high that she'd choose it. Without having much good in my life to focus on these days, this stupid dress arriving was like my light at the end of the tunnel.

I know, silly. And a recipe for disaster.

It wasn't the dress. I knew as soon as Ryan handed me the box that it was way too heavy to be the 1.8 pound package (yes, I checked the tracking information so much I had it memorized). My beautiful light blue strapless dress (with the cutest pockets!) was actually a man's coat. And to add insult to injury, upon calling the company we learned what I could have already guessed - it was now completely sold out.

Let's just say I had a melt down. Over something as trivial as a dress, you ask? Yes, and while I may not be proud of it, I will be honest. I cried like a baby over a missing dress.

I was, of course, crying about more than the dress. I was really crying because the dress represented something I had put my hopes in (how pathetic I am). In the midst of my sorry life and my struggles in a world full of fertile people, I decided to look forward to receiving a stupid package, something that could brighten my day, and J.Cr.ew screwed me. The story of my life.

So after speaking with the company and ordering another color that was still available (there are two colors that would have worked), I calmed down. I got all dressed and ready to go shopping with my husband and as he sat in the car waiting for me to go to the bathroom quickly before we left, I discovered that yet another cycle had come to an end.  Just. my. luck.

I got in the car and broke the news. We attempted to talk about it, but it was mainly me just giving bleak ultimatums - I want to give up...We are being silly to keep trying like this...We need to move on with our lives...God has decided I am not worthy of children and you made the poor decision to marry me - while he tried to have some hope. And, by the way, when I say I want to give up, I don't mean that this is just too much and I can't take it so let's give up. Oh no. I would try through menopause if it were up to me. I just suddenly felt like maybe we are being foolish to think we have a chance, like everyone is laughing at us, and that perhaps God wants us to move on and start coming to terms with being infertile. 

Then that led into my worse fear and what can cause me to cry whenever I think about it - the thought that there's a good chance that my time on this earth will pass without biological children. That my one go-around here will be without the joy of pregnancy, the experience of child birth, taking care of a newborn that is a complete mix of me and my husband. We get one shot at life and I will be missing out on perhaps the most important part of it - creating more life.  It is too much for me to contemplate. Thankfully, my mind blocks out the severity of the thought most of the time, but not today.

The main thing I couldn't get out of my head was that I just don't know how I will live the rest of my life in this world - a world full of fertile people, babies, pregnant women. I just don't think I have enough energy to do it and I don't want to do it. It is just too hard.

My poor, poor husband, because I just kept repeating, "I can't go on living in this world."

Please, please, PLEASE don't think I'm being suicidal here. That is not what I am saying at all, of course. It's just that I can't go on like this. Something has to give. Either I have to live on a deserted island, or I have to change my outlook. At this point, the island idea is looking pretty nice.

Oh, and I almost forgot - this cycle was completely messed up. It took a HUGE step backwards. My luteal phase was eleven days, but if you count yesterday's day of spotting as day one (which I'm pretty sure Creighton does...am I right?), then my luteal phase was ten days. Since it had been twelve days the past couple cycles, and I was hoping for even longer this time around, this was an enormous blow. Also, the fact that I had spotting is in itself a step backwards. So much for putting my hopes in getting healthier! Because of course I can't get pregnant, but now improved cycles are even too much to ask for! 

I'm feeling a little better now (despite the tone of this post, believe it or not). We had a good time shopping (I was supposed to be buying Christmas gifts for others, but instead I purchased a present for myself from my mother and picked out something from my husband for me as well...very successful trip!), and it got my mind off of things. And I guess I just realized tonight that there's nothing I can do about it. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying to will my body to change. I'm exhausted, actually. So at least for this moment, I'm all cried out. I'm trying not to think about it. But I'm sure I'll cry more tomorrow.

Frustrated

This is the part of the month where I get angry.

The cycle isn't over yet, and I'm having few symptoms that it is coming to an end, but I just know in my heart it is.

So, the anger started yesterday. I attempted with all my might to fight off anger at God as I got ready for Mass. I cried in church. I went numb around pregnant women. Later in the day, I grew disgusted as I heard stories of horrible parents someone told me and came to the conclusion that as much as children are God's creation, our free will is to blame for screwing up. I know that might sound obvious, but it's easy to believe God saw those bad parents as more suitable parents than me, as horrible as they are. That just can't possibly be the case.

Still, I feel like my life is out of control, that I can't understand why God would allow this to happen to me.

Speaking of things God is allowing to happen to me, I have had spotting yesterday and today. BIG step backwards. I'm devastated. So not only do I of course not have a chance at a pregnancy, but I can't even simply get an improved cycle. It feels like a huge slap in the face. I lower my standards and my hopes, and they even get squashed.

Of course I want to know if something is wrong so it can be treated, but I just hoped that nothing more was wrong! I just desperately hoped the spotting would go away as my cycles improved, which it had the last two months. I feel like I've been kicked when I was down.

So I'm still trying not to be angry with God. Not because I don't blame him or because I have come to terms with him not answering my prayer. No, I am trying to not be angry because I understand that we shouldn't be. I know it's not right and isn't productive. That's all I can give for now. Hopefully I'll believe the not blaming him part later.

Yesterday I filled my time with projects to get my mind off of things. First, I made some topiaries because I've always wanted to and last night was as good a time as any:


I was happy with them, and kind of surprised that not only did I quickly found all the pieces at Michael's (despite the millions of Christmas decoration shoppers I had to push through), but that they only took about ten minutes to make.

Then I made this:


It cost only $10 to make, although I broke a $2.99 hot glue gun in the process. I love having an Advent wreath and we'll be able to use this one year after year.

So at least I felt productive yesterday in some way. I may not be able to produce a child, but I can produce all the arts and crafts projects I want! That's a fair trade-off, right?

Waiting

I'm bored, therefore I am posting despite the fact that I have nothing new to report (what an incentive for you to keep on reading!). 

Today is ten days past ovulation, so I need to make it through tomorrow and Monday to get a twelve-day luteal phase. Maybe I could even get to thirteen! I don't have any PMS symptoms as of yet, other than some slight indigestion which sometimes is a sign for me. Oh, and how could I forget about this one - I've been weepy for a couple days now. By weepy I mean that I feel like crying while watching commercials or shows, mainly at things that aren't sad. That's usually a tell-tale sign. I don't actually cry, but I start to tear up. It's got to be hormonal because it definitely doesn't happen the rest of the month.

No leg sensation yet, though, which is my surest sign of impending doom. And my temp was back up this morning to 98.4 (my temp dipped two days ago and then yesterday I got up too early to take it). 

I am anxious, though - anxious to find out whether my luteal phase will last as long as it should, anxious that each time I go into the bathroom it will be the time I get the inevitable news, anxious to know whether I'll take it well or not. I hate counting down the days and hoping and praying my body can make it to Tuesday, so I don't take a big step backwards. Then I resent the fact that I'm left just hoping my luteal phase can be a stinking twelve days, rather than hoping I'm pregnant like the rest of the fertile world.

I've also caught myself viewing the world from an it's-not-fair perspective lately. After keeping my level of hope and confidence up pretty high for a couple of weeks, I was looking around at the busy mall yesterday and thinking, "Every single one of these people are here because their moms got pregnant, because their bodies were able to do something extremely basic that mine cannot." It boggles my mind sometimes to think that if all women were made like me, the human race would be extinct. It's not only babies who should remind me of my inability to procreate, but all people! That's just great.

Don't get me wrong, though. I'm not depressed, and I haven't lost hope. I know, that's probably kind of confusing. I just find that these thoughts start to creep in at times. They aren't taking over, though. I'm still basically hopeful.

Thanks so much for praying for my mom, by the way. I knew it was bad last night when she asked me for prayers. She always asks me to pray for people she knows who are sick, but I honestly don't think she's ever asked for prayers for anything for herself. She was in rough shape still this morning, but sounded a lot better this afternoon. But then my sister called me, concerned that she needs to take it a lot easier than she is. She really got me worried that this c-dif.f problem could get really bad, which scared the heck out of me. Apparently, c-di.ff can come back again and again (this is my mom's second bout so far) and sometimes last for years, God forbid. We just want her to relax even after she starts to improve. We want her to take a few days off of work, even if she thinks she is better.

She's a nurse, so she knows how it works, but somehow all that goes out the window when she's the patient.

So we are going to stay vigilant and force her to take time off when she should, or not go somewhere she had planned, or not get all busy due to Christmas preparations. That would be silly. If you get a chance, please pray that she can be free and clear of this horrible thing for good.

Cycle update and Thanksgiving pictures

Just a quick cycle update before I get into my pictures of Thanksgiving...It's cycle day 25 and today is nine days past ovulation. My temp was up nice and high until two days ago it dropped to 97.7. This happened last month as well, dropping at about the same time for one day, then rising again. I'm not exactly sure why, but when I googled it I found stuff that said it can be due to an estrogen surge that doesn't necessarily mean you're pregnant (hence, me last month). It probably was back up today, but I got up way too early for it to be accurate.

My bbs have been sore this week, which is good, I guess, since they haven't been for as long as I can remember. The only other thing to report is that on Monday and Tuesday I had a stabbing pain that lasted less than 30 seconds. It happened once each day. The pain was very low, in the middle. I'm not sure what that was, unless it might have been gas related. Everything with me is either related to my cycle or gas. Take your pick.

So I started out Thankgiving morning with some good news - I stepped on the scale to discover I had finally hit the forty pound mark. I knew it wouldn't last long, though, with a big meal just hours away. Speaking of which, my low G.I. Thanksgiving was delicious. Low fat it was not. I used four sticks of butter total in the meal, but the good news is there were a lot of leftovers, so it's not like Ryan and I ate two sticks of butter each. But we probably will over the next three days. 

I took this picture to show you that I wasn't kidding about using butter...real butter:

(And, let's be honest - this was only a portion of the butter that went in with the onion and celery for the stuffing!) It's my motto in action: Cheat with fat, not with the "white stuff" (white flour, sugar, etc., etc.). While the author of the low G.I. book encourages the low-fat part of the diet as well, that's not crucial for my hormones. So when I want to cheat, that's how I do it. Plus, I should really be maintaining at this point, anyways.

More butter, and the big slab of cheese is 2% milk Velveeta. They are melting for my broccoli casserole. Mmmmm.

Here's me putting in the turkey, glad that the worst of it was over. And, no, I was not in a house full of family and friends who took this picture. It was just me and the self-timer on the camera (I know, very dorky). I'm glad no one was around, actually, so they didn't have to hear me wimper in fear as I prepped the bird.

The spread. My sweet potato casserole (with Splenda) is on the left. It overflowed in the oven, as you can see (and, if I do say so myself, it was delicious and should make appearances on more than just holidays! I'll post the recipe in the future). Next, my mashed potatoes made with new potatoes (not necessarily low G.I. because they are mashed, but a better option than regular). Stuffing made with wheat bread is above and next to the potatoes. Above the big stuffing is the broccoli casserole (the topping is made with wheat crackers). And above the turkey is the gravy made with white wheat flour. 

Poor Ryan had horrible back pain as we ate, and I'm sure he wasn't letting on to just how bad it really was (the back pain, not the food). We both got full really fast, since our stomachs are not what they used to be!

We had a great night (thanks to pain pills for him), and then today I got up early for some black Friday shopping. Believe it or not, it was my first-ever black Friday experience, at least as far as I can remember. And now I see the attraction - I got some good deals! Although I was seriously loopy by 2 p.m. (and I should also point out I got up at 6:20; I didn't exactly do any "door busting"). 

Then my in-laws stopped at our house tonight to pick up the dogs. I don't know if I mentioned it on here before, but my sister-in-law just discovered my blog and it has been a huge blessing. She has stepped up her prayers for us and we couldn't appreciate it more. So tonight before she left, she was SO sweet and prayed with me for us to have a baby. Let's hope her increased prayers lately will be what puts us over the top!!

I'm exhausted so I'm going to go rest now, with a new fancy Pott.ery Barn throw I bought today with a gift card I've been hoarding for almost a year. Before I do, though, I'm going to go raid the leftovers. Writing about them got me hungry!

P.S. Could you please say some prayers for my mother? She has c-dif.f (period added by me, not part of the name, in case you're curious), which is a type of superbug (wikipedia describes it as follows:  It is a severe infection of the colon, often happening after normal gut flora is eradicated by use of antibiotics). She contracted it while on heavy antibiotics for an absessed tooth. Well, after being sick for a couple weeks earlier this month, she thought it was under control, but she's sick again. Any prayers you could say on her behalf would be much appreciated!