Signs from God

So today we're at Mass and, as usual, it's tough to see all the babies and pregnant women and families with seven and eight kids (by the way, I really resent that Mass is a place that makes me sad). Then I hear the responsorial psalm, which I thought really spoke to the struggle of infertility:

R. (cf. 16) The hand of the Lord feeds us; he answers all our needs.

The LORD is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger and of great kindness.
The LORD is good to all
and compassionate toward all his works.

R. The hand of the Lord feeds us; he answers all our needs.

The eyes of all look hopefully to you,
and you give them their food in due season;
you open your hand
and satisfy the desire of every living thing.

R. The hand of the Lord feeds us; he answers all our needs.

The LORD is just in all his ways
and holy in all his works.
The LORD is near to all who call upon him,
to all who call upon him in truth.

R. The hand of the Lord feeds us; he answers all our needs.

Isn't that great? He is near to all who call upon him. He answers all our needs. And he gives us food in due season.

At one point, I began to pray and I decided to just be honest with God and lay it all out on the table. I asked God if he could please let me know that he is really with me. Let me just say that I know this isn't the best way for a faithul Christian to behave and I even apologized to God for it. I told him I'm sinful and I'm weak and because of that, I am finding it difficult to blindly trust him. I told him if I am going to suffer through infertility, that I really needed to know that he is going to take care of me. And while I know that he is with me and will always take care of me, I just really needed to feel his presence. I needed comfort.

So fast-forward a bit and as we get up to leave after Mass, I ask my husband if he wanted to attend an inquiry session that was being held after Mass for people interested in starting RCIA (have I mentioned before that my husband isn't officially Catholic? That's another post). I have never pushed him to convert and so it wasn't a given that we'd attend this session. He said sure, so we went. Well, at one point during the session, one participant mentions how EWTN helped to introduce him to the Church, and a man running the meeting responded by saying that a couple, who was also there helping with the meeting, knows Mother Angelica personally so this participant should talk with them after if he'd like. Let's just say that my husband and I immediately perked up! I could see him glance my way but I resisted the urge to look at him and acted all cool (if you're not familiar with my blog, just know that we are trying to get a documentary we produced on EWTN and meeting someone with connections is BIG!).

My wonderful husband later told me that he knew right then that he needed to find a way to bring up our movie, and he did it in a really smooth way, I might add. Everyone was SO interested in it and started asking us tons of questions. So the man with ties to EWTN then asks me if I wanted the Pope to see it. WHAT??!! I'm like, ya, that'd be nice. And he's like, I can get it to him. WHAT??!! It turns out he is involved in research for something that I won't mention here for fear that something will come up in a google search, but something that the Church has a lot of interest in. I don't know his exact ties to the Pope, but I'm sure he is very connected to the Vatican through this work. So while in any other circumstance I'd be thrilled to meet someone who could help get my movie on EWTN, the Pope trumps that for sure! We are definitely getting him a copy of the movie at Mass next Sunday, and then it's in God's hands.

So, to make a long story short.. I'm not saying this is definitely going to work out, but what I do know is this is one way God has answered my prayers. And it is through these answered prayers (non-infertility-related prayers) that he is allowing me to feel his closeness. It's God's way of reminding me that despite my cries for a child seemingly going unanswered, he is still listening and still blessing me in other ways. And when I, in a moment of weakness and saddness, ask him to basically show me a "sign" (like a doubting Thomas), he does. God is truly amazing.

We closed the meeting with a prayer that nearly had me crying in front of everyone. It's a prayer of abandonement by Blessed Charles of Jesus, and it is perfect for those of us with infertility.

Father,
I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me,
and in all your creatures -
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul:
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your
hands without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.

Hopefully, one day soon, I can really believe these words with all my heart.

I want to end this post by asking for your prayers for a special intention. I can't go into details, but please pray that a friend of ours can find the Lord because this person is in a really bad place and needs God desperately, they just don't know it. Thanks, and you are all in my prayers as well!