So much

I wish I would have had more of an opportunity to really reflect on all that has happened. There is just so much. So many angles I need to reflect upon. So much gratitude. So much love for baby Clara. For all of you.

I wish I could get it all down and out of my head. There is just so much I want to say. I still want to write down the entire story of how all this happened. I want to talk about my complete joy of becoming a mother and how it is everything I dreamed it would be and more. How it was worth the battle it took to get here. I want to talk about how it has changed my struggle with infertility. I want to write to those who are considering adoption but wondering if it will fill the void in their hearts left by their inability to conceive.

I will hopefully get to some of that in the days to come, but there are some things I want to touch on tonight.

First, I can't say enough about our gratitude and I'm always worried that I haven't stressed this enough. I haven't even gone into detail about all the help we got and how it made this adoption possible (or have I? Well, no amount of attention paid to it would be enough).

There are our families. At the drop of a hat, they all put up large sums of money. Just like that. My two sisters and brother-in-law. Ryan's parents. My parents. We will pay them back over time, and the adoption tax credit will really make up the bulk of it next year, but they didn't even flinch. We are so blessed. To write about our gratitude here seems silly.

Then there are the donations we received from this blog. Seriously, they were so substantial that they will put a significant dent in the money that we owe. I'm not kidding. What you all came together and did should go down in history. It's got to be a first, right? Bloggers helping someone they've never met adopt? Unbelievable. (And please know that I have thank you cards coming. And anyone who ordered a movie, they are in the process of being shipped.. it's just taking a little longer than in my pre-Clara days.)

We also received donations from family members and dear friends through the blog. Every time a donation came in, we were stunned. I have never before felt so much tangible love. We are in awe of the goodness of people.

Then there are the material donations. Clothes. Toys. Furnishings. You name it. The vast majority of things I didn't even know we needed, but we sure do. My in-laws scrambled once they heard the news, gathering everything you could imagine, washing the previously-used items and sorting everything for days. They equipped us for the ride down when I was just a walking zombie.

I look at Clara's closet now and can't believe that just a couple weeks ago it was filled with suits and ties. It's now a sea of pink - preemie sleepers she wears now, and lots of clothes I can't wait for her to fit into in the coming months. I sometimes just stare at that closet, because it's a representation of what came together in the blink of an eye, thanks completely to the kindness of our family, our friends, and complete strangers.

We are blessed beyond measure.

The other thing I often reflect on is my former self. Boy, do I want to hug her. I'm not ashamed of the way I reacted to my infertility in the past, before the adoption. I always used to say that if I ever became a mother, that I wouldn't regret my actions, and I don't. I did the best I could. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. It was as if someone was holding my head under water and I was fighting for air every. single. day.

I don't have to tell all of you about that. But my point is that just because I am arguably on "the other side" now, that doesn't mean that I am going to be hard on my former self. Just the opposite, actually. That person I used to be tried hard. She fought. She hung on and endured some pretty rough crap. She didn't know if it would ever end. She assumed it wouldn't.

My heart breaks for her and I tear up just thinking about it, and about all of you who are still fighting. It's so easy for me to say, "hang on! Your time will come!" So I won't. I didn't want to hear it then, and you might not want to hear it now. I will just keep praying for all of you every day, that your time is just around the corner. I want all of you to be as happy as I am. I wish I could make it happen for every single one of you.

In adoration today, Clara's first time, I came across a passage that summed up my feelings exactly. I loved it as soon as I started reading it and it just got better and better as it went on. Then, I read in the notes that the psalmist was recently delivered from suffering himself. How fitting. I especially like this part near the end:

When the just cry out, the LORD hears and rescues them from all distress.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed.
Many are the troubles of the just, but the LORD delivers from them all.
God watches over all their bones; not a one shall be broken.

The thought of God watching over all our bones comforts me. He is watching over every single one of us, even those of us whose ovaries don't work. And, like this psalmist, I want to tell my former self, and all of you, to hold on and trust in the Lord. He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those whose spirit is crushed.

Psalm 34

I will bless the LORD at all times; praise shall be always in my mouth.
My soul will glory in the LORD that the poor may hear and be glad.
Magnify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together.
I sought the LORD, who answered me, delivered me from all my fears.
Look to God that you may be radiant with joy and your faces may not blush for shame.
In my misfortune I called, the LORD heard and saved me from all distress.
The angel of the LORD, who encamps with them, delivers all who fear God.
Learn to savor how good the LORD is; happy are those who take refuge in him.
Fear the LORD, you holy ones; nothing is lacking to those who fear him.
The powerful grow poor and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
Come, children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

Who among you loves life, takes delight in prosperous days?
Keep your tongue from evil, your lips from speaking lies.
Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
The LORD has eyes for the just and ears for their cry.
The LORD'S face is against evildoers to wipe out their memory from the earth.
When the just cry out, the LORD hears and rescues them from all distress.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed.
Many are the troubles of the just, but the LORD delivers from them all.
God watches over all their bones; not a one shall be broken.
Evil will slay the wicked; those who hate the just are condemned.
The LORD redeems loyal servants; no one is condemned whose refuge is God.