Ultrasound series success

So thanks to the grace of God, and my sister pushing me to call around, I found a great place to get my ultrasound series done. Seriously, I can't believe it has worked out like this. I really thought I'd never find a place that would do it. Some places I called had no idea what I was talking about. But finally one place directed me to another place, and that place agreed to do it.

I went today for my baseline and it was awesome. I could just tell they were very high-tech and knew what they were doing. As soon as I walked in, the tech asked if it'd be alright if the doctor brought two medical students in with him. The doctor? Wow! Of course I didn't mind. The more insight the better!

The doctor was so nice. I got a great feeling from him immediately, and the students too. They asked me some questions about my history and couldn't believe all my diagnoses. The woman student said I was an endocrinologist's dream! I wanted to say, go ahead! Study me! I'll be your guinea pig!!

Then they asked why I was seeing a doctor in PA. I kindly explained about how I wasn't interested in IVF and that you have to go further away to find a doctor who doesn't do it and will help you to achieve pregnancy without it. Then the tech pointed to the doctor and said that's what he does. Then the female student agreed and said he was great at finding a diagnoses and doesn't go to IVF right away. The doctor humbly played it off and said that he does work with infertile patients (the place I went isn't just for infertility). I can't explain why, but it really rubbed me the right way. So often, infertility doctors can have a God-complex, but this man didn't seem to. He was very warm and I got a great feeling about him. I couldn't help but wonder if perhaps God put me there because maybe I am supposed to get help from him in the future. It would be nice to have a good local doctor. And the office is part of a teaching hospital, so I bet they would be good at figuring out what's actually wrong, maybe more than the average RE.

Anyways, so they did the ultrasound and had no trouble finding my right ovary (Dr. L couldn't find it after several tries this past fall). It had a few small follicles on it and the doctor said the ovary itself was in the right place and was a good size (I asked him about both things since I have had multiple surgeries on it). The left one was harder to locate, and once they did find it, they noted that it was higher up than it normally should be. That ovary also had a few small follicles. My uterine lining was good, although a little thicker than normal (anyone know what that means?).

The doctor commented that for having multiple surgeries, my ovarian reserve appears good since both ovaries had multiple follicles. He couldn't tell which ovary should ovulate this month, but at least something seems to be in the works. I guess I'll find out more this Friday when I go on day ten (I was supposed to go on day 12 but it's a Sunday).

I'm also having no trouble at all getting my blood drawn this month either. Thanks be to God for things going smoothly!

In other news, we just had an awesome visit with my sister and her husband. They got to meet Clara for the first time and didn't want to leave! We wish they could have stayed even longer, since we really don't get to seem them that much at all. They live in CA, and we really wish they were closer. Here are some pics from their visit:

First Super Bowl, and the team from her birth state won!

It was hard saying goodbye!

I realized after posting this that Clara is sleeping in every picture, so here are a couple more where she's awake:

Watch Ryan tonight..*Update*

We are so excited because Ryan is going to be reporting live on the NBC Nightly News tonight! He's going to be doing the second story of the broadcast, on the snow in Richmond. Depending on when Nightly News airs in your area (some markets air it at 7), it should be on shortly after 6:30 p.m.

This is an extremely rare opportunity for a reporter. I'm so proud of him!

UPDATE - Unfortunately it's been cancelled.. Darn! It's sleeting instead of snowing here now and NBC decided that it wasn't exciting enough for a live shot. We're bummed!

My appointment and a huge change

My appointment with Dr. S went okay. I did arrive 30 minutes late, so it got off to a bad start. I had the time wrong by 15 minutes and thought we were actually 15 minutes late, but it was worse. And the appointment was at 7:15 a.m., I should add. After waking up to feed a baby all night, that was a tough one (obviously, since we couldn't pull it off).

So we arrived 30 minutes late and were taken back to the exam room. Dr. S came in and asked a bunch of questions about my history. I did find it rather difficult to recall specifically what all my pelvic pains were in recent months - the duration, severity, location, type, etc. I don't know, they all blend together after years of pain!

He then did the exam and I also had my annual done since it was overdue. Then, in the interest of warning all of you who are going to see him in the coming months, he did another type of exam. The kind that involves, well, I don't feel like typing it out, but if you really want to know you can email me. It's the type of exam that I was warned about, myself, ahead of time, and feared for several hours leading up to it.

Then he came back in and said he would like me to do a month-long hormone series next cycle, the kind where you get your blood drawn every other day or so. At the same time, he wants me to do a ultrasound series as well. I know that's sounds pretty basic, but after five years of infertility, this will be the first time those two things are done simultaneously (as long as I can find a place in the next few days where they are willing to do the ultrasounds the way Dr. S has outlined).

He also said he would like me to have another hysterosalpinogram (I just typed that from memory, so it might be way off of what it's really called, but it's the tube thing). I've already had it done twice and it was always normal, so probably not my problem but possibly worth checking into.

He also said he could tell from the internal exam that I might possibly have adhesions on my right ovary, the same one that was operated on last August, as well as on some muscle that connects the cervix to something. I don't really remember. But he did say it might not be affecting my fertility at all. And he said my uterus is tilted to the right.

That was it. He really didn't offer me any guesses at what may be wrong. Hopefully the hormone series and ultrasounds will give him more to go on. I have a follow-up appointment scheduled for April. Oh, and he prescribed me some low dose naltrexone.

I'm really indifferent about it all. I was very glad to be able to visit FJIEJ and to meet her husband (who are so sweet and hospitable!), but as far as trying to figure out what's wrong with me, I'm kind of over it. I'm hoping I can find the motivation to look for a place to have the ultrasounds done. It's not my priority any more, to say the least.

During the appointment I actually sat on the exam table and uttered seven words I thought would never come out of my mouth. Something so unimaginable that I'm sure hell got a cold front and probably, somewhere, pigs were flying.

I don't even want to be pregnant.

I said it. And if you don't believe me, Ryan witnessed it, although he was in shock.

I mean, is it wrong that I am secretly happy I got Clara just days after finding out about her, rather than nine months later? Is it wrong that I am secretly glad that I don't have to endure any of the physical problems of being pregnant (I just know that I'd have issues)?

The thing is, after falling in love with Clara, I realized wholeheartedly that I don't need a pregnancy to get exactly what I've always wanted - a baby to love and the privilege of being her mother.

Trust me, I am blown away that I am thinking these thoughts. I coveted a pregnancy for so long that I didn't think I could ever remember what it'd be like to not be centrally focused on that one goal. But, literally overnight, it all went away. It's clearly the grace of God, and I am here to say that He works miracles.

I am not saying I won't ever have tough times again, and I might go through spurts where I wish I could have a biological child. But, at least in this moment, I have no desire. None. And I am eternally grateful for it. The most monstrous weight imaginable has been lifted off my shoulders. There is light after the darkness. God is so good.

Big appointment this week

So we leave for my big doctor's appointment tomorrow. We'll head up to stay with FJIEJ, which I am very excited about! And then the appointment is early in the morning (really early - before 8 a.m.) on Thursday.

Before Clara, I planned on being completely prepared for the appointment, with notes and a game plan, but that has all been thrown out the window. I am way too busy to worry about that now, so I'm going to wing it. It probably wouldn't have mattered anyways.

I'm going to focus on just getting completely healthy, hormonally speaking, and also preventing another surgery, as much as that is possible. I also wouldn't mind finding out what is actually causing my infertility. That'd be nice. I tend to think something isn't clicking right at ovulation, so hopefully he will have some insight into that.

You all continue to be in my prayers. I really feel called lately to pray for all the infertility bloggers, and many of you by name. Now that I know just how joyful life can be, I just want it to happen for all of you right now!

At adoration today, I imagined what it must have been like for God to listen to me crying for so many years, begging Him to deliver me from my suffering, as He, all along, knew that He would be giving Clara to me on January 6, 2010. I picture Christ and Our Lady, wanting to reach out to me, wanting to tell me that it would all be fine, more than fine, very soon. And I believe they did, a number of times, in different ways. It was those life lines that kept me going.

Well, Clara is waking up so I have to go, but just please know that you are all on my heart. I wish I could post more, and once I get better at juggling everything, I will. I will update about my appointment on either Thursday or Friday. I know many of you will be seeing this very doctor in the weeks and months ahead, so I'll give you all the low down!

So much

I wish I would have had more of an opportunity to really reflect on all that has happened. There is just so much. So many angles I need to reflect upon. So much gratitude. So much love for baby Clara. For all of you.

I wish I could get it all down and out of my head. There is just so much I want to say. I still want to write down the entire story of how all this happened. I want to talk about my complete joy of becoming a mother and how it is everything I dreamed it would be and more. How it was worth the battle it took to get here. I want to talk about how it has changed my struggle with infertility. I want to write to those who are considering adoption but wondering if it will fill the void in their hearts left by their inability to conceive.

I will hopefully get to some of that in the days to come, but there are some things I want to touch on tonight.

First, I can't say enough about our gratitude and I'm always worried that I haven't stressed this enough. I haven't even gone into detail about all the help we got and how it made this adoption possible (or have I? Well, no amount of attention paid to it would be enough).

There are our families. At the drop of a hat, they all put up large sums of money. Just like that. My two sisters and brother-in-law. Ryan's parents. My parents. We will pay them back over time, and the adoption tax credit will really make up the bulk of it next year, but they didn't even flinch. We are so blessed. To write about our gratitude here seems silly.

Then there are the donations we received from this blog. Seriously, they were so substantial that they will put a significant dent in the money that we owe. I'm not kidding. What you all came together and did should go down in history. It's got to be a first, right? Bloggers helping someone they've never met adopt? Unbelievable. (And please know that I have thank you cards coming. And anyone who ordered a movie, they are in the process of being shipped.. it's just taking a little longer than in my pre-Clara days.)

We also received donations from family members and dear friends through the blog. Every time a donation came in, we were stunned. I have never before felt so much tangible love. We are in awe of the goodness of people.

Then there are the material donations. Clothes. Toys. Furnishings. You name it. The vast majority of things I didn't even know we needed, but we sure do. My in-laws scrambled once they heard the news, gathering everything you could imagine, washing the previously-used items and sorting everything for days. They equipped us for the ride down when I was just a walking zombie.

I look at Clara's closet now and can't believe that just a couple weeks ago it was filled with suits and ties. It's now a sea of pink - preemie sleepers she wears now, and lots of clothes I can't wait for her to fit into in the coming months. I sometimes just stare at that closet, because it's a representation of what came together in the blink of an eye, thanks completely to the kindness of our family, our friends, and complete strangers.

We are blessed beyond measure.

The other thing I often reflect on is my former self. Boy, do I want to hug her. I'm not ashamed of the way I reacted to my infertility in the past, before the adoption. I always used to say that if I ever became a mother, that I wouldn't regret my actions, and I don't. I did the best I could. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. It was as if someone was holding my head under water and I was fighting for air every. single. day.

I don't have to tell all of you about that. But my point is that just because I am arguably on "the other side" now, that doesn't mean that I am going to be hard on my former self. Just the opposite, actually. That person I used to be tried hard. She fought. She hung on and endured some pretty rough crap. She didn't know if it would ever end. She assumed it wouldn't.

My heart breaks for her and I tear up just thinking about it, and about all of you who are still fighting. It's so easy for me to say, "hang on! Your time will come!" So I won't. I didn't want to hear it then, and you might not want to hear it now. I will just keep praying for all of you every day, that your time is just around the corner. I want all of you to be as happy as I am. I wish I could make it happen for every single one of you.

In adoration today, Clara's first time, I came across a passage that summed up my feelings exactly. I loved it as soon as I started reading it and it just got better and better as it went on. Then, I read in the notes that the psalmist was recently delivered from suffering himself. How fitting. I especially like this part near the end:

When the just cry out, the LORD hears and rescues them from all distress.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed.
Many are the troubles of the just, but the LORD delivers from them all.
God watches over all their bones; not a one shall be broken.

The thought of God watching over all our bones comforts me. He is watching over every single one of us, even those of us whose ovaries don't work. And, like this psalmist, I want to tell my former self, and all of you, to hold on and trust in the Lord. He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those whose spirit is crushed.

Psalm 34

I will bless the LORD at all times; praise shall be always in my mouth.
My soul will glory in the LORD that the poor may hear and be glad.
Magnify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together.
I sought the LORD, who answered me, delivered me from all my fears.
Look to God that you may be radiant with joy and your faces may not blush for shame.
In my misfortune I called, the LORD heard and saved me from all distress.
The angel of the LORD, who encamps with them, delivers all who fear God.
Learn to savor how good the LORD is; happy are those who take refuge in him.
Fear the LORD, you holy ones; nothing is lacking to those who fear him.
The powerful grow poor and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
Come, children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

Who among you loves life, takes delight in prosperous days?
Keep your tongue from evil, your lips from speaking lies.
Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
The LORD has eyes for the just and ears for their cry.
The LORD'S face is against evildoers to wipe out their memory from the earth.
When the just cry out, the LORD hears and rescues them from all distress.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed.
Many are the troubles of the just, but the LORD delivers from them all.
God watches over all their bones; not a one shall be broken.
Evil will slay the wicked; those who hate the just are condemned.
The LORD redeems loyal servants; no one is condemned whose refuge is God.

New baby blog

Sorry for the drought, but I've been busy!

My parents left Monday morning and I was sad to see them go. It was so great to see them and have them meet their granddaughter.

When they left, it meant I was on my own with Clara for the first time. It was a little scary, but I felt very prepared. Yesterday and today went great, although time management is definitely going to be necessary! I am trying to get a routine going, but as luck would have it, Clara was fussy for the first time the past two days. My mother thinks she may miss her grandma! While I am sure there is some truth to that, I think it's because she is getting hungrier every day and I might not be giving her enough to eat each time. It's a learning process!

She is such an incredibly good baby. She is getting bigger all the time and is more alert every day. She is seven weeks today, and while she is still smaller than most newborns, I'm hoping she'll be up to six pounds at her doctor's appointment next Monday.

So I've been thinking a lot about this blog. First, I should let all of my infertility blogger friends know that practically everyone in our real life now knows about this blog. For some of my fellow bloggers that might be a shocking thought (especially when imagining all of your real life friends and family reading your blog), but we don't mind. I really think it's due to God's grace that I'm not embarrassed at the thought that someone could go back and read every details of not only my medical history but also my mental history (to all my real life friends and family if you hadn't thought about doing that until you just read this, please disregard!). I just try to focus on the greater good - that if someone does read it all (which hopefully most are too busy and/or disinterested to do), then it is bringing awareness to the plight of the infertile woman, especially the Catholic infertile woman. If I have to expose myself in order to shed some light on a topic that is usually kept in the dark, then so be it. As I told a friend yesterday, I have yet to have anything negative come from letting real life friends and family read this blog. It has only brought immeasurable blessings, and I hope it continues to do so.

We gave out my blog address so everyone we know could follow along our adoption journey and it was a wonderful way for everyone in New York, Virginia, North Carolina and elsewhere to feel like they were along for the trip. But while the journey to pick her up as ended, their desire for Clara updates has not.

So what do I do? Clearly this blog is not the place for detailed descriptions of her eating/sleeping patterns; it has felt awkward talking about that here this past week, although I was way too busy to worry about that at the time.

What I've decided to do is start a new blog that will chronicle my life as Clara's mom, and will feature what everyone in our real life really wants - pictures.

So without further ado, introducing our new, other blog: Our Life With Clara.

Feel free to read it, or not. Since it's not linked to this blog in any way (other than the link I just posted), I am going to be myself on it, real name and all! It'll be mainly for our relatives and friends who live far from us and who are interested in all the mundane details of our lives as new parents.

And hopefully I'll be posting here more often once I get a routine going. I miss it, and all of you! And while I am overjoyed beyond belief to be a mother and suddenly feel about zero pressure to be pregnant, I am still going to be pursuing the cause of my infertility for the time being (I am definitely not at my optimum health and isn't that the point of NaPro, after all?). So stay tuned for my appointment with Dr. S next week!

Update - I fixed the commenting on the new blog (or at least I hope I did). Thanks for pointing out there was a problem!

Grandparents!

I am so excited that my parents are here! I have looked forward to this for years - my parents coming to meet my baby and their grandchild. It has been so much fun just relaxing, taking care of Clara, shopping for Clara. I don't want them to leave!

They love their little granddaughter and can't get over what a great baby she is. Here are some pictures of yesterday and today: