Updates

I really need to thank all of you for your extremely kind comments and emails you've sent me recently. They really do lift my spirits.

I'm still pretty depressed, which is interesting because I'm in the luteal phase of my cycle and you'd think progesterone would be helping my mood. But, then again, I got my peak +7 results on Thursday and I'm not surprised the progesterone wasn't making me happy - it was only 14.6. Estradiol, meanwhile, was 265, much lower than last cycle.

I scheduled the semen analysis with a local lab for Tuesday, but it looks like we're going to have to postpone it since Ryan has the swine flu. He's been pretty sick since Friday, and yesterday he got the high fever (which lead us to make the diagnosis). I'm probably next, although I'm feeling fine so far (hopefully I didn't just jinx it!).

Today is peak +11, so I'll get my last blood draw tomorrow since today's Sunday. I really didn't feel any differently on Clomid this cycle, except I had some weird, yet only slight, sensations in my legs. I always have very slight leg pain (if you can even call it that) before I get my period, but this time it was throughout the cycle and felt a little different.

But other than that, no hot flashes, no mood swings (other than normal). Although, maybe my recent depression is due to it. I hadn't thought of that.

The only other different symptom I've had this cycle is yellow mucus the last five days or so (which was peak + 6-10, so far). I read in the PPVI handbook that it could mean I have an infection. Does anyone know if this is always the case? I'm thinking of asking for an antibiotic when (and if) I go to see Dr. L on cycle day one. Maybe that would also help with my mucus quality next time.

I say "if" I see Dr. L because I'm not sure what to do. I did want to utilize the cycles immediately following surgery in case my fertility was somehow restored, but when does it become evident that it wasn't? Three cycles? Four?

I've also been thinking about possibly doing a couple unmedicated cycles before seeing Dr. Steg.man in late January. I guess I could medicate this cycle and then go unmedicated in December.

I also really can't wait to meet with my priest this Friday. I need to ask him some serious questions about faith. I mean, after struggling this long, I've gone through all the stages and have had more than enough time to learn to give it over to God completely. While I refused to do that the first few years, I realized about a year ago that it was necessary and my heart changed. But, at least for me, it didn't lessen the pain one tiny bit and I know that giving it over to God doesn't mean you will hurt any less. I am still tormented day and night and, if anything, it has been more painful after the five year mark.

What I need to ask the priest is whether it is wrong, or weak, for me to ask that my suffering be lessened a little bit (and not by getting a baby, but by taking away the desire). I struggle with this. Although, in my weakness this weekend, I didn't struggle all that much. I gave in and prayed and prayed that if God desired for me to be childless, that He would take away my desire to be a mother. I even begged for it during the Consecration.

I only want His will to be done but I also really, really, hope it's His will to take this desire away from me. I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life in this despair. And as long as I feel like my vocation is to be a mother, my heart will break every waking moment.

I know this is probably the weak way out. I know God wants us to carry our crosses, and while He may not want us to suffer, He wants us to suffer well with what we've been given.

Another day

Just plugging along today, trying to keep my head above water. I'm back in that mode where I feel terribly guilty for not putting into practice all that I intended to, like clinging to God when I feel alone and isolated. I just am having a tough time with doing that, which is to be expected I suppose. It's not like I even really know what it means to cling to God. Do you just tell yourself that's what you're going to do? Do you imagine doing it? I am way too literal a person for some things, I think.

I'm thinking about starting to pray more seriously that God will take away my desire to be a mother. Then I wonder if that's the easy way out. Perhaps He prefers for us to keep the desire in order to suffer more.

So my birthday is getting close (well, a little less than two months away, which is too close for comfort) and I am having anxiety over it. I know some of you are older than me, and I don't mean to offend you by saying this. I just never imagined my life at 33 to be what it is. It blows my mind when I think about it.

I know that's silly. I should be thankful to God that I made it to this age.

This has been a tough week, for non-infertility reasons. But whenever there is an added stress in my life, it makes dealing with my main issue all the more difficult. But hopefully it will get a little easier next week. Just need to get through until then.

In an effort to eliminate some unnecessary stress today, I decided to stop worrying about finding a lab in Richmond for the semen analysis and just do it. So I found one, I think, and left a message for my doctor to send an order there. Looks like I won't be able to get in until at least next week though. And they say our insurance will cover it but I'm scared to death to get a bill in the mail for it after the fact. I'm praying that doesn't happen.

Part of me hates going through the motions of fertility stuff, but the other part of me looks at it as something to at least momentarily get my mind off of adoption, like a hobby. Unfortunately, it's not really working.

And it doesn't help when your hobby causes stress of its own. Not being able to afford the endometrin this cycle really upset me in a "it's just not fair" sorta way. I'm finding that when money keeps us from doing something (medication, adoption), it really eats away at me. That can't be spiritually healthy. I need to accept that we just don't have it, therefore there are things that will allude us.

I know God is watching how I deal with all of this and I feel like I am failing miserably. I just think when you tell yourself for so many years that God has a plan for you, it starts to sound old. But I have to remember that it's not. It's still true. And right now that plan is for me to wait and suffer. There must be a reason.

Update: Congratulations to GIMH on her great news today!!

Unfruitful

I can't read adoption blogs.

I think I entered a new chapter of this struggle recently and didn't even realize it. I am an infertile adopter. I am unable, at least for the foreseeable future, to have children through adoption.

And let's keep in mind that infertility and adoption are two totally unrelated things. It's easy to lump them together and figure of course both should be difficult, isn't everything difficult? No, it isn't. Not being able to get pregnant has nothing to do with your ability or inability to adopt. So, I am infertile, not productive, unfruitful, on both completely separate counts.

Which brings me to why I can no longer read adoption blogs. I can't handle it, for the same reason I can't handle blogs about pregnancy. They're too much. They shed a glaring spotlight on my own heartache and cause me to burst into tears.

I'm happy for those people, I truly am, but, separately, the reminder of what I long for rips my heart in two. I prefer to live in a slightly comatose state where the thoughts are always there but somehow just below the surface.

I really have to learn to deal with this in case our time never comes, which is entirely possible. And unless something drastically changes, that is where we are headed. I need to be grateful that others have been blessed before I. And I am getting there, surprisingly. I just can't contain the tears.

And I know I said I wasn't going to complain, but I don't think I am doing that here. I am just sharing my emotions so I don't lose my mind. And that will be the last disclaimer about that, I promise.

Complaining

Wow, when you are trying not to complain on your blog there really isn't much to write about!

I realized recently that a lot of what I write is intended, subconsciously perhaps, to attract sympathy. I complain in order to get your feedback, your condolences, to make myself feel better. But I don't think that's what I'm supposed to be doing.

Oh, and I'm very creative. I will write an entire post complaining about how bad I have it, how many years we've been trying, how God hasn't blessed me, and then wrap it up at the end with some words about what I've learned from it. But I'm catching on to myself!

I've been trying to be conscious of it for a while now, but I did have to erase a post today. I was struggling this morning, and my hour at adoration was anything but fruitful. I am just really dealing with a great deal of sadness over our inability to adopt and I found myself writing about how bad I have it.

I'm not saying that I should never talk about my negative thoughts, but I do think I need to stop myself from droning on about it just for the sake of complaining. It's like when I'm sad I have this desire to just put it out there as if to say "Look at me! I have it THIS bad! If I'm going to suffer, I at least want to get credit for it!"

That's my pride, and I think God revealed that to me so I can fix it.

I have a lot of blessings in my life. I am going to focus on them today and less on the gray cloud that the devil wants me to believe is over my head. Guess what, Satan? There is a VERY good reason why God hasn't given us babies yet and while I may not know what it is, I choose to trust in Him!

Lowly

One of the biggest struggles of infertility, at least for me, is that I feel so left out of the rest of the fertile world. I can't speak their mommy language, laugh at their parenting jokes, sympathize with their pregnancy complaints, or pretty much go anywhere without seeing families that remind me of my lack of one.

I have resented this for the past five years. I've wanted so badly to be part of it, to blend in. To do what the rest of the billions of people on earth do that comes so naturally, even sometimes too naturally, for 99.9% of humans throughout history.

But something occurred to me recently, which explains why God would allow me to be separate from the rest of the world: He doesn't want us to be part of this world.

I have been made so low the past five years and only now am I realizing that this is exactly where God wants me. That probably sounds terrible to a non-believer, but when you know that low is good, that the meek shall inherit the earth, that the mourners will be comforted, then it occurs to you that what feels bad to us is actually a blessing.

It's not like I suddenly completely understand this concept, but I just know it in my heart to be true. And I understand why God would not want us to be of this world. There is so much temptation, and not just temptation to do obviously bad things, but temptation to just be lukewarm. Honestly, if I got pregnant right after my wedding and had two kids by now, I'm not sure I'd have the faith I have today. I'd like to think I would have undergone the same conversion that I did a few weeks after returning from our honeymoon, but what if I'd already gotten a positive pregnancy test by then? I would have been on my way to complete normalcy, to happiness, to possible complacentness.

That's not to say, of course, that all fertile women are complacent in their faith; obviously that isn't the case. But I might have been.

I can't even describe what infertility has done to me. I keep typing and then erasing sentences. But most of you know. You just feel completely barren, literally and figuratively. Everything is stripped from you, peeled back, and exposed. You feel alone, isolated, cast out. Even though we are blessed to live in a society where we are not literally outcasts for our inability to bear children, you feel a connection to those women who were. Our husbands may still love us and our fertile friends still include us, but sometimes we feel so unlike everyone else that we might as well be thrown out of the village.

And that brings me back to my point - that that's not such a bad thing. As odd as it may sound, lately I've been trying to force myself to find a kind of contentment when I feel alone. That same feeling used to give me anxiety that my life was a disaster and I was losing control, but now I try to remain calm and think about it as a good thing. I did that in Mass this morning when I was feeling sad, and thought about how feeling alone allows me to be alone with God. There is nothing to get in the way of that connection when we feel isolated, and maybe that's what He has wanted all along. Does that make sense?

Although I'm still working out the kinks - I had to remind myself this morning that it doesn't mean I get to sulk, as I found myself doing. The fact that I might feel sad and alone has to be hidden and to the world I must still exhibit joy. This is not to say I'm doing this just yet, I just know I should.

I know it really is the opposite of what we've been taught our whole lives - that having self-esteem, being accepted, receiving accolades are all to be desired. It's kind of like I've had to turn everything I knew upside down. I should want to be last, to be forgotten, to be left out. Even to type that seems odd, but it's true.

What infertility has allowed me to do is to set my sights on God alone. And I'm telling you right now I wouldn't have done that if not for everything being stripped from me. I know myself, and if I were a mother of two right now I'd be either so blessed or so busy that I'm sure I wouldn't have stopped everything and wondered how I could learn to die to self. It probably wouldn't have been on my radar.

If this was some spiritual exercise I was doing for myself, in the middle of being a mom, there is no way that I would have allowed myself to sink to the depths that I have; I am not that strong and willing. I would have begged for a life preserver years ago, dusted myself off and maybe even thought that I had learned something, not knowing how much further I was capable of falling. I am suffering this way because I have no choice in the matter.

Infertility has forced this lesson upon me. And God's doing the heavy lifting for me - He has taken away all that would have gotten in my way and allowed me the opportunity to learn from suffering. It really is a blessing when you think about.

We'll see how this goes. While on one hand I feel like it's a new tactic I'm trying out, on the other hand I don't think I have a choice. When we feel beaten down we can do one of two things - moan and wail and pray (or, as is often the case with me, scream) that God takes it away, or we can embrace it and, in turn, hope that it's a little lighter to bear. I've tried the first way for the past five years, so I'm willing to give the other way a shot. I'll let you know how it goes.

Second test results

The results were the same as yesterday.

My doctor didn't seem to think this was anything to worry about. Probably due to my poor quality of mucus, she said. Had I done the post-coital earlier we might have caught the more peak-type mucus and the sperm would be alive.

That sounds reasonable, except yesterday's test was on cycle day 13 (ovulation day), and those dead sperm first hit the mucus on cycle day 12. Not to mention that I only started seeing mucus on cycle day 11, and it's still getting better and better each day, today being the best quality yet. If anything, maybe we'd have a better result tomorrow, not last Monday.

Apparently there's a discrepancy between what she sees under the microscope (cloudy, full of "cells") and what I see when I chart (today has been 10KL). Am I just really bad at making Creighton observations? I suppose anything is possible, but that would mean I don't know the definition of clear, and cloudy. I feel strongly that I have those down.

So I'm thinking this may just be further evidence that there's a discrepancy between when I ovulate (yesterday, or the day before) and when I see my "peak day," according to Creighton. She assumes the mucus was better a few days ago, but maybe it has yet to reach its peak (which is so far the case according to my chart).

And what about everyone saying sperm can live in mucus for up to five days? Is that a myth, or is that just another thing that's true for "healthy" people? Because if my mucus kills sperm on the day of ovulation, then when doesn't it kill it?

Oh, and I asked her about why the ultrasound yesterday could possibly affect the results and she said the gel on the outside of the wand might kill sperm. When I asked then why we do the ultrasounds around ovulation, she said the sperm gets where it needs to go in the first five minutes.

I left the office not sure how to feel. My doctor acted like it wasn't a big deal, but the news that was replaying in my head did seem pretty serious. Two post-coital tests that showed a total of three living sperm? I tend to think this is a bigger deal than she does.

I know a lot of doctors don't believe in doing this test anymore, and there must be a reason they don't like it. Is it due to the possibility of timing it wrong and getting a false negative?

In my gut I don't think the poor result was due to my lack of peak-type mucus. I tend to think my mucus is hostile; it would explain a lot. Yes, I have had numerous problems that all separately would cause infertility, but I ovulate, my cycles are normal, and the problems are under control.

And, like I said before, if the result is due to not testing on a day of good mucus, then that's an issue too because we tested on the day of ovulation and the day after. If my mucus kills sperm on those two days, then when is my fertile window?

Either way, I'm okay with it. Finding this out this morning was as if I heard my progesterone was 16 on peak plus 7 - just average, boring news. It didn't upset me and the thought of a future filled with either no shot at conceiving or grasping at straws to find a treatment for some immune problem with my mucus doesn't stress me much either.

And I feel that no matter what, something was revealed today. We just need to take these clues and examine it further, probably with another doctor.

The next step is getting Ryan's semen analysis done. Although he just took ben.adryl this morning and I heard that can possibly affect the results. Does anyone know how long you should wait after taking something like that?

If there's a problem on his end, we'll figure out if it's treatable. If it comes back normal, we'll look more into what is causing it on my end. This actually intrigues me. Dr. L seemed to think there's not much you can do for that other than trying steroids (I think she said we could do this if it's on my end), which is great and I'll try them for sure, but I can't imagine it's the only option. Hopefully we'll find a doctor who is willing to look into it more. (By the way, a quick google search showed that Clomid can cause hostile mucus. This is my first cycle on it. Anyone know anything about that?)

I also asked her, again, about what to do if the timing of ovulation and good mucus is just off, and she said sometimes things just don't click at the right time and there's nothing they can do. I'm still holding out hope that there is.

I'm exhausted. I think I've driven about ten hours in less than 24 hours. I almost didn't go this morning when my alarm went off at five and Ryan was sick, but I'm glad I did. Even though I didn't really find out anything conclusive (well, at least according to Dr. L), I would've regretted not knowing anything.

I know it might sound corny, but I'm resolved to take each day as it comes. Praise God for this grace, and for hearing this news right around the time when my progesterone is probably rising.

*As I was writing this post, the pharmacy called to tell me that my insurance doesn't cover the post-peak progesterone (endometrin) I was supposed to take this cycle. "Supposed" to take because at $100, I won't be taking it now. So I'm trying to remind myself of what I just wrote - that I am taking each day as it comes. I am being made low and I should rejoice in it.

A missing ovary and a potential new problem

It was an interesting appointment today. Here's a rundown of the developments:

* She couldn't find my right ovary. This is the third ultrasound in which it has been missing, spanning two different cycles. I'd think it was gone completely had I not been reminded today that the RE did an ultrasound in September in which it was there (although he did note it was rather small).

* She thinks I ovulated on the missing ovary already. She is basing this assumption on the fact that I had tons of fluid (which I find interesting because last cycle she didn't see fluid on cycle day 13 or 14, despite thinking I had ovulated then as well). She was also able to locate my left ovary and saw several small follicles. I also told her that yesterday I had severe pain on the right side, so she took that as further evidence.

* Other interesting things to note - Today is cycle day 13, so that'd be pretty early for me to ovulate. My temp had been 97.0 but dipped this morning to 96.8. An opk might have been positive this morning, but was confusing because both lines were very faint.

* She also had trouble finding my uterus at first, then found it, thought it might be tilted, and said my lining was thick.

* She had a nurse give me the trigger shot, which I ordered yesterday just in case. No ovary was located, no follicle was seen on ultrasound, but I was triggered. Should I be concerned, or is a trigger shot safe even if there is no dominate follicle? (which there very well may have been, we just can't be sure I guess)

Okay, there's more. And this potentially could overshadow my missing ovary.

I reminded her after she started the ultrasound that she was going to do a post-coital test. She said it should've been done prior to the ultrasound and apologized. She said it might not be accurate due to having done the ultrasound (pretty sure she mentioned the gel, or lubricant, as the reason, but I could be wrong), but then she thought about it and decided that because she was going in my cervix, that shouldn't matter.

To make a long story short, after looking at it under a microscope, she said there were lots of dead sperm and one live one. One. She said technically she has to call the test "normal" even if there is just one still swimming, but she wants to do a semen analysis just to make sure. She seemed to think that the ultrasound could mess up the results and suggested I just do it again next cycle. Not wanting to worry for an entire month that my mucus is hostile, I asked if I could come back in the morning (when I already had scheduled an ultrasound appointment not knowing when I'd ovulate) and she said sure, although wondered if I'd have mucus since I'd be post-ovulatory. That was funny to me, since I've never stopped having mucus on day 13, and usually it goes all the way to day 17 or 18 (not to mention she said it was "full of cells" under the microscope which apparently means it's cloudy [although it has looked clear to me for two days now], so I would assume if it's still cloudy, clear is on the way).

So I'll go back bright and early tomorrow morning for another post-coital. We'll see if it was a fluke, caused by the ultrasound, or if there's a real problem. And if it is a real problem, then more testing will apparently need to be done to find out if it's my fault or his.

On a side note, I'm going to ask something here that might have crossed your mind while reading the previous paragraphs - If ultrasound can somehow kill sperm, then WHY DO WE HAVE ULTRASOUNDS AROUND THE TIME OF OVULATION? Does that make any sense? It's so absurd that I'm starting to think maybe I misunderstood her, but then what else could she have meant? Why else would she think the ultrasound could have affected the test?

I'll be sure to ask her that question tomorrow. Oh, and treatment? Well, she said IVF is the usual treatment although, I'm wondering, isn't IUI more for this problem?). Either way, neither is an option for us. Another possible treatment is using condoms for six months. What? Again, not an option (she said these options in a very matter-of-fact manner, but I don't believe she was suggesting them, seeing that her boss is a big proponent of the Church's teachings and all).

I actually told her that the USCCB website says the licit approach is to abstain for two years. She said she'd never heard of that, but then told me that she has seen some success using steroids as a treatment. The bishops' site also refers to this option but says it's not shown to have much success (although it says at the bottom that the page was copyrighted in 1999, so I'm hoping it just hasn't been updated to reflect all the millions of successes there have been in the last ten years...haha).

Surprisingly, I am handling this all very well. My attitude is that I've never been pregnant, not once in five years, and so this diagnosis wouldn't change anything. I'm way past thinking I have a chance each month, so how could this make me any more sad about it?

The only thing that makes me sad is that adoption seems so unlikely. If it were a viable option, I really don't think I'd have any sadness about this new potential diagnosis. If God wills for our children to come not from my womb but through adoption, well, I have already mourned this and have moved on. I just want to be a mother. But to have a new diagnosis, and have adoption potentially years away, does make my heart a bit heavy, although I ultimately trust His plan for me.

I shouldn't get ahead of myself. I could find out tomorrow that everything is fine. Either way, it's in God's hands and I have peace with that.