Mini-breakdown & cycle update

For some reason I haven't really been motivated to write anything lately. Nothing new is going on, so that might be why. But that never stopped me before!

Mass was really hard this morning. There was a family of seven a few rows ahead of us, complete with a newborn. Then, a family of four, again with a newborn, sat directly in front of us. And to top it all off, walking up for communion I was side by side with yet another couple with their newborn. I lost it. And in that moment, as I was slowly approaching the altar, I was able to unite my suffering to Christ.

It's always seemed such an abstract concept before, but this morning it was like I suddenly knew what it meant.

One Sunday, several months ago, I was walking up to receive the Eucharist and I saw a woman, already back from receiving, kneeling while holding a prayer card with an image of the Suffering Christ. Ever since then, that's what I imagine as I walk up. So today, when I was overcome with grief, I pictured that again and really united my suffering to His, and it worked. I was overcome with emotion and started crying. For a few moments I really believed that Christ was suffering with me and knew exactly the pain I was experiencing. I felt like He was telling me that it was me and Him - that I am never suffering alone.

That comforting feeling didn't last long though. By the time we were in the car I was already pretty crabby towards Ryan and was yelling by the time we were home. After he left to play football and I was all alone, I really lost it. By the time he returned, I was under the covers crying. And I yelled at him some more.

He did a pretty good job of getting me out of my funk. He even took me to buy something, which typically works to at least momentarily lift my spirits. I never thought a shower curtain could make me so happy! And funny story about this - I was over at GIMH's house last night and fell in love with her shower curtain, of all things. I told her I was going to copy her, and boy did I mean it! Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right?



The new look in the bathroom (I also got a couple $1.99 hand towels) inspired me to clean most of my house (which isn't as impressive as it sounds since it's not all that large). I don't know that I've ever gone so quickly from utter despair to sweeping, vacuuming, rearranging a rug and rug pad and moving furniture!

As for my cycle, today is peak +11. The only thing different about this one so far is I've had some very, very mild cramping that doesn't last too long. As far as I can remember, it happened on peak +8, 9 and again today. Each time it lasted only a couple minutes and wasn't really all that painful (and trust me, I know painful cramping. This wasn't it). Anyone know it if could be from the Prometrium?

Speaking of Prometrium, I'm getting much more used to it now, or perhaps I'm just not having any side effects because I literally take it while getting into bed.

I got my peak + 7 results the other day. My progesterone was 19.1 and my estradiol was 175. As usual, the nurse said my doctor thought they were excellent, but I can't help but wonder why my progesterone wouldn't be even higher on Prometrium. Does anyone know if this is an okay result for taking a progesterone supplement? Nineteen is a pretty average number for me on peak +7 (I didn't go on Prometrium because it was low, rather to help out my prog/est ratio or something). I've even seen it as high as 44 in the past, and that was unmedicated!

Oh well. I'm just looking forward to seeing what Dr. S thinks about that, and everything else, in January. I seriously can't wait for my appointment.

This makes me happy...

Interesting conversation

Does Prometrium give you headaches? Man, I have had a dull headache for days now. And constant, yet slight, nausea. Neither is bad enough to incapacitate me, just annoy.

I had my peak +7 blood draw today, which I had to ask my doctor for. It makes sense to see what my levels are while taking progesterone, does it not? Anyways, I was at the lab and started chatting with the woman doing my draw. On a side note, I love all the women at this lab. They are so sweet and after going three times a month for nearly a year, we've gotten to know each other a little. I even overheard one woman say to another today, while discussing my blood draw order, that I am in there all the time. I thought that was funny.

So I got talking to the woman drawing my blood and she asked how I figure out when peak +7 is (it always specifies that on the order). I told her all about Creighton and mucus and then she told me that she suffered from secondary infertility. And, like me, she has PCOS.

Her story is wild. She had a son, then tried for another and gave up after several years. She said she came to terms with the idea that she was meant to have only one child. Then, eleven years later, out of the blue, she conceived her daughter. Then, a few months after giving birth to her, she was surprised to discover she was pregnant again, this time with twins. Unfortunately, she miscarried them at ten weeks. Following the miscarriage she went on birth control. Six months later, she went to the doctor complaining of excruciating back pain. They gave her pain pills and an MRI. Well, lo and behold, the MRI revealed she was pregnant. And she was five months along! I told her she should be on the show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"!

So a woman who had come to terms with her inability to conceive, ends up conceiving three more times, including once on birth control. I thought that was just bizarre, and an example that you never know what God has in store for you.

We talked all about insulin resistance, losing weight, the G.I. Diet and Metformin. She even took notes about what food to buy (she doesn't want to conceive again, she just wants to lose weight, which insulin resistance makes very difficult).

And then before I left she looked right at me and said, "You will be pregnant. This year. Claim it. Think positively. It's going to happen. You're going to have a baby in your arms."

Someone saying that usually annoys me, but for some reason this didn't. Maybe because she, too, suffers from PCOS. Maybe because she knew the heartache of infertility at one time in her life (although coming from someone with several children usually would still annoy me). Or maybe because I know it's true - I should think positively.

I think I'm in a healthy-enough place now where I can hope for a pregnancy and not let it drive me nuts. It may happen and it may not. If it doesn't, that's okay, because I only want God's will to be done. But, in the meantime, there's nothing wrong with hoping that what you hope for also happens to be God's will.

I have much more to write, in particular an entire post that came to me in adoration this morning. But this headache is making concentrating nearly impossible. Hopefully I'll get to it tomorrow. Before I go, though, I want to leave you with something that another blogger, Tradertif, left in a comment on one of my recent posts. I've been thinking about it ever since I first read it:

"We should use God's gifts of creation however they help us in achieving the end for which we were created, and we ought to rid ourselves of whatever gets in the way of our purpose. In order to do this we must make ourselves indifferent to all creation, to the extent that we do not desire health more than sickness, riches more than poverty, honor more than dishonor, a long life more than a short life, or anything at all in and of itself. We should desire and choose only what helps us attain the end for which we were created. "

-St. Ignatius

Still on the road

I'm sitting in my brother-in-law's Manhattan apartment right now, unable to leave to do anything because little miss Sophie Belle is with us and barks like crazy when we try to leave. We've actually tried it, listening outside the door, and she barks and scratches at the door to my brother-in-law's bedroom where we left her (she also has a history of scratching paint off doors. Not good). I'm a little bummed, but it's pouring so at least we are staying dry.

That was not the case this morning when we walked Sophie a few blocks to Central Park. It started raining after we left and all three of us were soaked (we also discovered that Sophie likes to stop walking while crossing the street. Ryan had to pick her up as cars were coming, which is always fun). If it were nice out, we'd just spend the day at the park, but not in the rain. We already had to give her a bath today after our first excursion, and we try to avoid baths at all costs!

I'm typing on Ryan's iPhone right now so this will be short, but I just wanted to say that I've been taking prometrium now for three days and I'm not too sure about it. The first night I was awake long enough after taking it (two hours) to feel completely drunk and dizzy. It hit me all of a sudden and I absolutely had to go to bed. Since then, I've taken it right before sleeping and have felt better, but I still feel a little tired and out of it in general. I'm assuming these side effects are normal, since I remember reading that other bloggers have had to take it before bed. I just hope it doesn't get worse because it's pretty annoying. Maybe I can try another form of progesterone next time (as long as I can find something covered by my insurance).

This cycle looks pretty good too, which makes me happy. I had four red stickers, followed by four green stickers, and then six days of white stickers. I most likely ovulated on cycle day 12 and my peak day was 14. Not bad!

We'll head home tonight and if Queen Sophie has her way, we'll be sitting on my brother-in-law's couch til it's time to go. So much we could be doing and we're stuck inside. She's lucky we love her so much!

Truly surrendering

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I probably should have posted what I am thankful for, since it would be good practice in looking at the bright side of things, but I was too busy sleeping and eating on Thursday (in that order, since we drove overnight to get to New York) to do much of anything.

What I have been thinking a lot about, though, is surrendering. Ever since receiving my message last week, I have been trying to reflect on what it is that I am still holding back from God.

I don't want to keep anything from Him. I want nothing more than to surrender everything which would not only please God, but perhaps make this suffering a little lighter as well (in the sense that fighting my cross probably makes it heavier).

I thought about how I had definitely surrendered never being pregnant, never having biological children. There are pieces that I might not have fully surrendered, like the guilt over taking away the ability to have biological children from my healthy, normal husband (and while I know it's irrational, I'm still a little hung up on wondering if I'll have any children in Heaven, or if my adopted kids will spend eternity with their birthparents). But, overall, I have given this to God.

I have also surrendered adoption. I sincerely only want the babies that God has intended for us, perhaps almost to a fault. I'm hesitant to take any new steps in adoption for fear that it might not be part of God's plan and I'll somehow get the wrong child. But I have put the process in His hands and I know that He is in charge.

But clearly I am still upset, still heartbroken, so something must be wrong. I am holding something back and it finally occurred to me what it is.

I have refused to surrender the wait.

I have not been okay with how long this is taking and how old I am becoming. I am still hung up on that. I can't count how many times I've told God that I'm okay with not conceiving, I'm okay with Him blessing us with a child through adoption, as long as it happens NOW.

For a while I've prayed every novena asking for God to grow my family, and I always, always, add the word "soon" at the end. And every single time I said it I had a feeling it was wrong. The word stuck out in my mind as not fitting in with the rest. I just knew that what I was saying was not in accord with God.

I know in my head that I need to surrender the wait, but in my heart I can't help but be fearful of the many more years of suffering that could be ahead of me. Each day seems unbearable and to think I have thousands more ahead of me is incomprehensible. If I had my way it'd all end today! I suppose it's only natural to want your heartbreak to subside as soon as possible.

Part of me also can't help but wonder why surrendering biological children isn't enough. That's huge! But God asks more of us. I have to surrender it all.

So what does this mean? I guess I have to get to a place where I can honestly say, "God, I surrender being childless right now. I surrender the wait ahead of me, no matter how long it may be."

I prayed about it a lot at adoration the other day. I told Him how much I wanted to completely surrender and asked Him to help me with it. I thought about the wait, about how I should truly want His will to be done.

And lately at night, as I try to fall asleep, I envision myself in His presence, telling Him I am surrendering it all. I repeat the prayer that the woman gave us in adoration: "Oh my God, I love you. Help me to love you more and more. This I ask through Christ Our Lord. Amen." I interchange 'love' with anything that comes to mind - praise, trust, worship, adore, thank. If I'm in the right mood, I find that I even get excited to think about surrendering completely.

I'm hoping it will be a gradual process - the more I pray about it and learn to want it, the more I will surrender this wait to the Lord. After all, I will be waiting as long as He wants, whether I surrender it or not!

I will leave you with a prayer that, lately, I have been praying every night. It's actually a good gauge of how much I am holding back. When I am having trouble surrendering, it feels like salt being poured in a wound to say parts of it. And when I am wholeheartedly trying to surrender, it sounds quite beautiful. I hope it helps some of you as much as it has helped me:

Father, I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me,
and in all your creatures -
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul:
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
For I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.

-Blessed Brother Charles of Jesus
Charles de Foucauld

Results

We finally got the results of the semen analysis this morning (after I did a little investigating and discovered the lab had the wrong fax number for my doctor's office. Fax number errors are the leading cause of late test results, I swear!). Ryan is fine. More than fine, actually. The results show he is above normal in all categories. What an overachiever!

I was in adoration when I finally got the call with the results and with two minutes left to go in our hour, I got up and took it out in the hall. I'm glad I did, because is was my doctor. Actually, it wasn't my current doctor, it was Dr. B. He gave me the results and then was kind enough to answer my questions about last month's post coital exam, despite the fact that he didn't have my file in front of him.

I asked him if we needed to further investigate things on my end, like whether I have hostile mucus, and he said he didn't think so. He basically said that post-coitals can be unreliable and that like Dr. C said, one or two living sperm is a positive result. He also said that the test really needs to be done within an hour of the act, and in our case one of the times it was the next morning and the other time it was at least four hours later. He said having one or two living sperm under those circumstances is probably fine.

I also asked him about Clomid and whether that could have made my mucus temporarily hostile, and he said it wouldn't have killed the sperm. He also had a good point - there may be problems with Clomid, but we can't deny the fact that it is the leading fertility drug.

So I guess I'll bring up the hostile mucus thing with Dr. S in January, and try not to worry about it until then.

I'm also trying not to worry about this cycle. I had another negative OPK today, yet my temperature did rise this morning. And, so far, I haven't had any mucus. What does this mean?

Here are more details: Today is cycle day 14. I had negative OPK's on cycle days 12, 13, and 14. I had pain (on both sides of lower abdomen, lasted an hour) on cycle day 12.

I'm guessing that if I had taken one on cycle day 11 it would have been positive. That would have indicated that I would be ovulating in 24-36 hours, which would mean I ovulated on cd 12 (which would match up with the pain) or 13. Then my temp rose on cd 14, after ovulation. That's how it should work, right? I guess I'll never know for sure, since I didn't start taking the OPK's early enough.

Under this scenario, would the OPK be negative on cd 12, potentially the day of ovulation? Or should it still detect an LH surge?

Thanks for humoring me with this. It's not that I'm obsessed with it by any means, I just want to know if I appear to be ovulating.

As I mentioned, I was in adoration this morning and I have another post coming today about that. Don't worry, no more miracles. Well, other than the Real Presence always being a miracle! I'm really trying to work on surrendering and I think I might have realized what I am still holding back. I'll post more later.

Cycle stuff - updated

Just when I thought it might be a slightly normal cycle, now I am starting to wonder.

I shouldn't get ahead of myself before I see how it plays out, but I could've sworn I ovulated yesterday (pretty bad pain for about half an hour radiating throughout my lower abdomen, along with 10KL throughout the day), but my ovulation predictor pee-stick was negative both yesterday and today.

If I'm going to include all non-Creighton forms of charting then I should also point my temperature is still low.

The last unmedicated cycle I had, which was over the summer, looked more normal than my medicated ones, and this cycle was shaping up the same way. I even had four dry day with four green stickers which is very unusual for me. I usually go straight from red stickers to white.

Okay, I can admit I might be overreacting - I just looked at my chart and today is only cycle day 13. I guess I had gotten used to the idea that I was getting the trigger shot (possibly late according to my doctor) on cycle day 13 the past couple cycles. How quickly I forget, though - just a few short months ago cycle day 18 was the norm for my peak day.

So hopefully I'll have a positive OPK tomorrow and ovulate around cycle day 14 or 15. That would be pretty good.

But what about the bad pain yesterday? Is that normal if you are not ovulating at that very moment? I just worry that the timing is off and this might be further evidence of that.

I'm also waiting on pins and needles to hear what Ryan's SA results are. They were supposed to be in yesterday and weren't. I'm going to ask for a plan of action in either case - if they're normal, then I want to be tested (since my mucus appeared to kill the sperm last month), and if they're low, then obviously we need to look into that further or put him on something.

I'll update this post with any results I (hopefully) get today.

No matter what happens, I can honestly say that I am okay with whatever way God decides to grow our family. I really am. I might post about the minutia of my cycle, but honestly it's just a distraction from the adoption wait. And yet the adoption stuff started out as a distraction from trying to conceive. They are now equal in my mind (and, right now at least, equally allusive) and for that I am truly thankful.

Update: So no SA results yet, but my doctor's office did call to say they are going to call in a prescription for Prometrium (this is because the Endometrin wasn't covered by my insurance last cycle). But here's my question: there is usually a two day difference between when I get a positive OPK and when I chart my peak day according to Creighton (based on mucus). So which day should I base my peak day on for starting the progesterone? I'm supposed to start it on peak +2. The nurse told me to go by the positive OPK since, in my case, it comes first. Any thoughts?