Lab results

So my doctor's office called with my lab results and the actual word the nurse used on the voicemail was "excellent." So because she didn't leave the exact amounts, I called back and asked for them and, to my surprise, the progesterone didn't seem too excellent to me. The progesterone was 8.21 and the estradiol was 177. I'm no expert, but from what I've heard and read on other blogs, the progesterone seems low. And it's much lower than it was the last time I had it tested a couple months ago, when it was 16.7.

Now, I should point out that I had it drawn on Monday, which was day 27 of my cycle. I wanted to get it done on Saturday, but the lab was already closed by the time I could do it, and then Sunday everything was closed. Monday, the day I had it drawn, was my actual peak +7 day according to my chart, but I really think I just had post-peak mucus (probably another problem in and of itself). So, if my ovulatory event was earlier than my Creighton peak day (like, if it happened when my temp rose five days earlier), then perhaps my progesterone had peaked and was already dropping by Monday.

I don't know. Maybe it's not a big deal. I mean, my doctor knows way more than me, obviously, and he called it excellent. And I googled it and found that at least the web site I checked said 8 to 10 is normal.

I just sometimes feel like I am overly pessimistic and yet sometimes I feel like it is so obvious something is wrong and I am in denial. I don't know which it is. But at least this cycle I had too many days of mucus, no clear ovulation day, pain on my left side, some pain on the right, low progesterone. Things seem like they are getting worse rather than better.

Does anyone know anything about estradiol amounts?

I'm okay. I don't mean to sound so upset in every post. I'm getting through it and it's just an abnormally tough week. I can do this.

Praying for strength

I am asking God for strength today.

I'm pretty sure it's cycle-day one. My day began by taking my temperature about seven different times throughout a two-hour period, while forcing myself to go back to sleep, hoping it was wrong.

It was hard to get out of bed because I knew once I did I would see some spotting, which I did. Now I have to go about my day like nothing's wrong. But so much is wrong. Once again, I feel depleted, completely weak. I am thankful I have nothing to do because I can barely function.

I am trying to be good and not despair, because I know this is when it is most important. But I just want to be unconscious for a while and get through this and wake up on cycle day 12. Wouldn't that be nice? Well, nothing about this is nice, but it would be a little less horrible.

I am just praying that I can function this week, since I am away from home and can't just lay on the couch and cry. I pray that I can get through this entire part of my life, because, after nearly five years, it is weighing extremely heavy on me (understatement of the year). Each month I am unsure how I will go on. But you know what? That is the joke of it, because we all just go on. It just keeps getting harder and we just keep getting sadder. And we have no choice but to endure it.

Last night I decided that infertility is like a life prison term. Just like when someone is sentenced to life in prison, and they have to realize that the rest of their days will be spent behind bars, so, too, do we have to realize that the rest of our lives will be spent without carrying a biological child. That is what we have been sentenced to. It's not the "normal" life and it's not how we expected our lives to go. And just like when faced with life in prison, you are forced to deal with the idea that your one shot at this world will be severely compromised.

But, perhaps even worse, we have the chance of parole each month and each month we get our hopes up that our prison term will end. And when it doesn't, we are forced to confront the idea that it never will.

I don't mean to sound overly dramatic, and this comparison might sound really horrible to those who aren't experiencing infertility, but those of you who are will know what I mean. And, actually, the reason I started to think about it this way is because I was trying to relate to how some prisoners, when faced with spending the rest of their lives in prison, find God. Or, for those of you who have read Left to Tell, it's kind of like how Immaculee was forced to depend on God when she was trapped in the bathroom during the Rwandan genocide. It's not that these people didn't need God before, but when faced with these dire situations, God is really all they have. In reality, God is all any of us have, but with everything going on in our lives, we forget that. So maybe the one bright side of infertility is that those of us dealing with it are among those who are forced to rely on God because we, too, are trapped. In that sense, it's a blessing, I guess. I'm not quite ready to rejoice at that concept this morning. Maybe later.

So hopefully I'll get through this today without breaking down. Hopefully God will give me strength and hopefully the saints I am praying to for help will protect me. That's all I can hope for.

Cycle update from New York

Well I'm safely in New York. My grandmother's calling hours are Friday night with the funeral on Saturday morning. Ryan is taking Saturday off and has worked it out to work a day shift on Friday so he can leave Friday evening. He will be here very early Saturday morning. I'm looking forward to that.

My grandfather is also in New York, but he is at one of my uncle's houses, so we haven't seen him yet. I guess he is still in rough shape.

In cycle news, it's day 29, but I have no idea how many days past peak I am. If you go by my Creighton charting, I am only nine days past peak, but I just don't feel in my heart that that is accurate at all. If you go by my temperature rising, then I am 13 days past peak. And, if you go by when my Creighton practitioner thinks my peak day was, I am eleven days past peak. So, it is safe to say it's somewhere between nine to 13 days. My luteal phases are usually 11 or 12 days, but who knows what will happen on Tamoxifen.

Up until this morning, I hadn't felt anything at all. No pms symptoms, no changes. Nothing other than some pain on my left side (which I am becoming more convinced is a cyst), but that is nothing new. But this morning I woke up feeling like crap. My legs felt like they had restless leg syndrome as I was lying in bed. Then, as I got out of bed, I just felt different, and sad. I'm sure you know what I mean.

My husband told me this morning that when he read my email saying that I felt different and sad today, that he was glad. Not because he likes me to suffer, of course, but because he is convinced that if I ever do get pregnant, that I will think I'm pms-ing right before I get a positive. I know that's true in many cases. In fact, nearly every person I know who has gotten pregnant has told me that. So I guess it's just another reason not to lose hope each month. Or you could look at it from the flip side - it just makes our monthly struggle all the more ironic and tragic.

So I am trying to handle the sadness well. I knew this would happen. Ever since I turned over a new, positive leaf, I knew that I'd have to endure a deep low all while keeping a positive attitude. I am not entirely sure how to do that, other than to turn to God constantly. I prayed this morning for strength, and then in the shower it occurred to me that my suffering can be a way to show Christ my love for him. I am always praying at adoration for God to help me to love him more, because I just don't feel like my heart burns for him like it should. So perhaps this is an answer to that prayer - that if I really want to love him more, then I shouldn't turn from this opportunity.

What a great blessing to be given such a clear way to please God. I know he is so pleased that all of us have chosen to follow Church teaching. Lately, that has given me strength. As I was driving north the other day, I actually felt so blessed to be given the chance to make such a choice and to be able to be a witness for him.

So who knows what this cycle will bring, or when I'll know more. Of course, I'll update as soon as I know anything.

Leaving tomorrow

I'm leaving tomorrow morning to head to New York. The funeral isn't until Saturday, with the calling hours Friday night, but since I have no obligations here I wanted to go as soon as I could. Ryan was able to take one day off and is going to drive up Friday night.

Today I edited a video that I had been putting off for months. I shot video at my grandparents' 60th anniversary party in July, and despite my mom telling me my grandmother wanted to see it, I never put it together. I'm just so thankful that I remembered this morning that the tape was still sitting there in our office. I would have been so upset if I'd realized it on my way north tomorrow or something, when it would have been too late.

So I edited a nine-and-a-half minute movie of the party, complete with a tearful surprise visit from my grandmother's brother (who has also since passed away) who she hadn't seen in a while, a surprise family musical performance, and a speech from my grandmother that has already become legendary (she used the line "marriage isn't for sissies," which brought the house down).

It's not easy to watch, but, as my mother said after she watched it, it's just nice to have actual video of her, to see her talking and laughing. At least we won't ever forget the sound of her voice this way, that's for sure.

She just looks so beautiful in the video and is so full of life. Her death was just so sudden.

I can't thank you all enough for your prayers. You are so sweet. Know that you are in mine, too.

Bad news

My grandmother passed away today. We found out she actually suffered an aneurysm yesterday, and it sounds like she never knew anything was wrong, other than that she had a bad headache. That brings me peace, as she would have been so scared. 

Thank you all so much for your prayers. If you get a chance, please keep my grandfather in your prayers now, because he is most likely completely lost. I can't even imagine.

Prayer request

Could you all do me a big favor and pray for my grandmother? We just found out she had a massive stroke. We're still waiting for more details, but because she and my grandfather live in Florida for the winter, the family (who are all in NY) doesn't know a lot yet. My grandfather is obviously shaken. Thank you for any prayers you can offer.

What a day

Is anyone else sickened by all this media coverage? Not that I am watching any, because I sure as heck am not. But the few seconds I have caught have been embarrassing. They have all lost their minds. I turned to NBC for three seconds this afternoon only to hear Brian Williams imply that he cried during the speech. WHAT? I don't care if every single man, woman and child in America cried during that speech, a journalist should NEVER say that!

These journalists are gushing and it is embarrassing and unethical (except for my husband, of course. He's the only one who didn't have a huge smile on his face). That is not their job. Go home and watch it on DVR after your shift and cry all you want in the privacy of your own home. Just don't do it while wearing your journalist hat.

I could go on and on, but for the sake of my sanity, I won't.

In cycle news, I talked with my Creighton practitioner last night and she helped me clear everything up. I love talking with her! It's like talking with my doctor. They're so positive and calm me right down.

She thinks my peak day was Saturday, based on yellow stamp instructions. So that means my temp rise came one day before my peak day this cycle, which I'm pretty sure is good news.

Speaking of temp rises, I looked through my past three or four months of charts and discovered that has never happened before - my temp always rises after my peak day. So I'm taking that as a good sign! It's something different, at least, and different is good.

Well I'm off to adoration. I don't like going by myself at night, but like the woman in charge of the adoration chapel I went to in New York always said, our angels are protecting us. I will be praying for all of you! And for all the unborn babies, for those who get abortions, perform abortions, fight for abortion, promote abortion and legislate abortion. And for our president, that he may have a conversion and that his heart may be softened. God has performed bigger miracles than that...It could happen.

Feeling good

Thanks for all your help, you guys! Your comments made me feel a lot better. And Andnotbysight - I have to say that yours was VERY encouraging. And not that I am putting all my stock in this cycle, but it's nice to be reminded that everything doesn't have to work perfectly in order to have the desired result.

I am doing much better today. I wasn't all that bad last night, just a little worked up. I calmed down and went to bed, albeit pretty late (I watched some autopsy show until 3 a.m.!). My animals all took care of me. Sophie slept next to me all night (when I woke up, she was shoved up against me and I could barely move!) and the cats refrained from batting me in the face with their paws. That's all I can ask for!

Today I am just trusting in God, and giving all of this worry back over to him. I need to work on not taking it back from him, though! I have a tendency to do that. I am looking at the bigger picture and figure that, worst case scenario, if something else is wrong, then it is an answer to prayer that we find out about it. Seriously, if you are praying that any other problems that may be there come to light, then you better be ready when they do.

So far today, I have seen some more mucus, 10C, and it was even a little pasty, if that's possible with that much stretch. I don't know. I've been charting for nearly three years and sometimes I still feel clueless. In my heart of hearts, I believe I have already ovulated. I know that doesn't affect my peak day at all, and that you often ovulate before peak, but I'm just saying. I decided that I am going to call my doctor tomorrow or Wednesday and tell him that I am having a difficult time determining my peak day, which I need to do in order to have my blood drawn on peak +7. Hopefully he will be able to weigh in on that.

No matter when my peak day was, I am obviously having a lot of mucus this cycle (I think today is my twelfth day of it), although very little quantity each day. And, the quality has been declining each day since my temperature spike. So, that much mucus isn't normal, but I just don't know how abnormal or problematic it may be. But that's where that trust should be kicking in! There's nothing I can do about it right now, so I will not worry.

Right now I am getting ready to drop my paperwork off at our agency. It's amazing to think that we have done our part (well, we still owe hundreds of dollars for the home study, but that isn't billed until we're approved) and now we wait. Our friends have been waiting a few months longer than us and so I know we won't get picked until after they are. And since my friend has been watching the agency's website for almost a year now, and seeing how many waiting families are moved to a "placement in progress" status each month, she estimates that we could have a baby by the summer. We will see!

Going nuts

I had a mini-breakdown tonight. I'm just scared that something else is really wrong, and I don't know enough about all of this to calm myself down. I'm hoping I can blame my craziness on the ovulation drug. Didn't some of you say that can happen?

I keep googling terms, looking for something, anything, to shed light on my temp rising four days before my peak mucus day. So far, all I've found is that maybe it's caused by too much estrogen, or not enough progesterone. I don't know, honestly! It's all over my head. I shouldn't read that stuff. I should turn my computer off!

I just can't imagine why I was starting to have somewhat normal cycles and then I take Tamoxifen and things get wacky again. And I know Creighton doesn't like us to chart our temps, but millions of women chart that way every day, so it can't be totally wrong. One method (bbt) would say I ovulated on or before Thursday, while the other method (Creighton) says I may be ovulating today or may ovulate in the future. I just don't understand how there could be that much discrepancy between the two. One has to be wrong. Either something caused my temp to rise early prior to ovulation, or something is causing me to produce mucus after ovulation.

I am sad tonight and I have cried, and it doesn't help that I am all alone, with lots of time to think. But, despite my sadness, I am still trusting God. I think where I am going wrong , though, is that I am allowing the questions and the confusion to overwhelm me. I can't stop worrying about it, and that is not of God. I am going to pray now, before I go to sleep, and try to come to terms with that.

I will be handing in the remaining parts of my home study tomorrow (Monday). I don't know if that will bring with it more happiness or more sadness. I'll let you know tomorrow.

Hanging in there

I am really trying to be good. The old me would be depressed right now, but the new, positive me is just going with the flow. I am trusting in the Lord and I am trying to see the big picture. This isn't a month-by-month thing, as much as it seems like it is to us. God is going to give us a baby, we just need to trust him and look to the future.

I am doing well, though. I do feel the inclination to be sad about our possibly missed opportunity this cycle, but it's kind of just like a bad habit, if you know what I mean. I am used to being sad about these things, so my mind easily falls into that mode of thinking. My mind wants to go there, and it tries to, but I'm finding that my heart just isn't sad, so I don't give into it. The few times I have complained (one of those was to my husband late last night when he had to get up early to leave for his inauguration trip...sorry!), I thought I wanted to cry and moan about it, but I didn't really need to, which surprised me.

These are all good signs, and I am thankful to God that he is helping me to stay positive. It is truly an answer to prayer.

I am probably also overreacting a little bit, because it's not going to be a total waste (unless I see more mucus today, which I haven't yet, thankfully). If yesterday was my peak day, then we made use of that day and the several days leading up to it.

I also feel fine, so far, about being alone. I usually get lonely very easily, but I'm just going to relax and do fun things to lift my spirits - like getting Chinese food tonight (making my own Bas.mati rice, of course!) and I'm already planning to get my favorite sugar-free sundae on Tuesday, the dreaded inauguration day. I told Ryan that I am treating that day like day one of my cycle, and already planning how I will drown my sorrows!

Seriously, though, I am in awe that God has provided me with this positive attitude and that it is still sticking around, despite recent developments that would have had me wallowing in sadness even just one month ago. I even pictured a positive pregnancy test during the consecration this morning, and really tried to focus on it. I am really trying to make it become something that I can truly imagine for myself. It may not be this month, but it will happen one day. And, thankfully, I have an opportunity to revamp my attitude in the meantime.

Update: Why is it that every time I post lately, things change about twenty minutes later?

I just saw more mucus. It was 10C. I don't know what that means, how to chart it (is it the peak so far, or are we in yellow stamp territory now?) or what it says about my current physical state. My temp rises on Thursday and I still have mucus on Sunday. Something isn't right there.

This also means that if I haven't ovulated yet, then we definitely missed our chance this cycle. Kind of makes me think about taking those drugs and the pain it brought me earlier in the cycle and how that was all for nothing. Oh well. We couldn't have known then how the days would play out. And I still would have taken it, even if I remembered at the time that he was going out of town. I never would have not taken the risk.

I am still going to try to hang in there, focus on the Lord, and not get down. I can do this!

Lots of questions *Updated

I need your help with something, if you'd be so kind. I'm think yesterday was my peak day, but I'm not sure. Wednesday was 10KL x1 (stetches an inch or more, clear, lubricative, one time), Thursday was 10KL x1 as well, and yesterday was 8K x1 (stretched 1/2 inch, clear). It was still the same type of mucus, nothing was all that different other than it was a little less stretchy and it wasn't lubricative. So was yesterday my peak day (assuming I see nothing today)?

My temperature was still up this morning at 98.4. I had some abdominal pain the last few days, but nothing too painful. I charted slight pain on both sides, with a little more of it on the left side, if I really had to say. Nothing like the pain I had on both sides while I was taking the Tamoxifen earlier this cycle. I had pretty bad pain on days four through seven (anyone else experience that on ovulation drugs?).

I have continued to feel the weird leg sensation I usually get at the end of my cycle for the past three or four days. The only other new symptom I've experienced is enormous fatigue. Yesterday and the day before I napped from like 5 p.m. to 7 p.m., both nights. That is so unlike me! I never nap. It looks as if I ovulated on one of those days, so I guess that could be the reason. Does anyone else get really tired when they ovulate?

In other news, it looks like all of the loose ends are tied up with our home study. I just have to show the birth parent letter to a couple people for input, then everything will be ready to turn in on Monday. I can't believe it!

At first I couldn't decide which picture I wanted to use for our profile on the agency's website and I was going to post a few here for all of you to weigh in on, but I picked one today. Here's the picture we're going to use:

Would you trust your baby with these people?

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*Update: So, I just had more peak-type mucus. This time it was 10K, and it was possibly L, but my instructor once told me that if you have to question it, then it's not lubricative. I also started to have abdominal pain this evening, more in the middle than on the left or right. While it's not very bad, it is the most pain I've felt in the last few days.

So what does this mean? Today is cycle day 18, and I often ovulate this late, but I thought it'd be earlier on the medication. My temp clearly went up yesterday, and was still up today. Could this be a sign of a problem, that my temp rises that far ahead of my last day of peak-type mucus? It has never happened before.

I am so frustrated. It's just hard because my husband leaves tomorrow morning for D.C. and now we might not even be able to time it on the right days! I had a feeling this would happen - that he would be gone and we'd miss ovulation - but I brushed it aside and was positive all week. Now, the most I can hope for is that today is my last day of mucus and that we are able to get it in under the gun. Forget the count of three.

I am trying to remain calm and just give it up to God. There's nothing we can do about it. We can just do the best we can with what we are given. I guess this might be a chance for me to stay positive and to persevere when things look bleak. I am going to try to remain positive and put all my hope in the Lord.

That being said, if you have any insight, it would be greatly appreciated.

Stress

Of course when everything seems to be going right, something has to come in to knock me down. I'm having a bad day and I am totally stressed and upset. Not about infertility, for once, but I am very concerned that my stress level today is only going to worsen my chances this month. So that's making me even more upset!

I swear, the devil is out to get me! Why does something always happen on important days? My little egg was probably getting all set for fertilization and then... BAM! Stress hormones were released and it was like an earthquake hit!

I'm trying to calm down. I think I'm going to go lay on the couch, watch some T.V. and just try to relax as much as possible.

Do you think one stressful morning is enough to derail me? Is there anything I can do to lessen the effects of any stress hormones that were released? (Hmmm.. how about not stressing about how much it is affecting me).

I know that it is ultimately in God's hands, but I'd like to know I did all I could as well.

Oh, and speaking of stresses - could you please pray for my mother, if you get a chance? The C-di.ff came back again (it's the fourth time now) and her doctor won't prescribe her the more intense medication that she knows she needs to get rid of it (who knew - doctors are clueless in more areas than just infertility!). She is going to an infectious disease specialist on Monday, so hopefully she will get it then, and then she will be rid of this horrible thing for good.

And how about this - my poor mom posted on a C-Di.ff message board the other day and someone on there chewed her out! Can you believe that?? It was a U.K. support message board apparently, because the U.S. one was down. She had been reading the boards for some time, and finally decided to post the other day. The person who was rude flew off the handle because my mom said she was a nurse, and this woman got in my mom's face because she is mad at all doctors and nurses for the way they've handled this health crisis (apparently people are dying of it in the U.K., making it a very emotionally-charged issue. And yes, hearing that people are dying made me more stressed out about it!). It's not my mom's fault, though. She is a school nurse, and she is suffering from it herself! I felt so bad for her. Other people came to her defense, so that was nice. I just thought I'd share that since it would be like the equivalent of one of you being mean to me on here, you know? You would never do that!

I'm thinking I ovulated

That's right!

All signs point to ovulation, so I'm hopeful at least. I finally saw some 10KL late last night (good thing we go to bed late, or it would have been a green sticker day!) and I'm wondering if the B6 finally kicked in. Then, this morning my temperature rose to 98.4. That's pretty high for me! And it had been hovering around 97.5-97.6, so that's almost a full point rise. I'm not sure what a bigger than normal rise might mean, but it sounds good!

So I definitely had way less mucus than normal. My peak day usually sees 10KL AD or at least x3. I guess if I wasn't taking my bbt, I'd think I hadn't ovulated yet. Is that bad that I rely on my temp? I'm obviously going to still chart any mucus I see today, so I guess today could end up being my peak day. Can you ovulate after your temp rise?

Okay, more questions: Will the B6 cause me to produce mucus today, possibly causing confusion about when I ovulated? Or when the hormones change, does it stop working? Just curious. I have to get my blood drawn on peak +7, so I really don't want to mess that up. I'm wondering if I should still take it tonight. I guess if I don't have any mucus today that I won't take it tonight, and assume I already ovulated. But, then again, if it weren't for the fact that I take my temp (which Creighton tells you not to do), that situation would be identical to what happened yesterday and I would have taken the B6! If you were able to follow that, you'd know my point is that I'm wondering how people with not a lot of mucus, who don't temp (since Creighton tells us not to), figure this out.

So if yesterday was my peak day, that means I'm going to have to get my blood drawn on the same day we're going to the March for Life. I'm going to have to find a lab up in Northern VA of D.C. to have it drawn. Okay, even more questions: Do you have to fast for a peak +7 draw of progesterone and estradiol? Because that would be bad. Although I could dedicate it to all the unborn babies, I guess. Does it count if I'm really fasting to have blood drawn??

Okay, I've got to go get ready because we are going out to lunch. I saved money from our grocery budget the past two weeks, so it is a guilt-free meal! Those are the best!

Mid-cycle confusion

No mucus yet. What's up, B6? I know, it's not like I started it when I should have, but I'm still holding out hope that it'll take effect.

So I am EXHAUSTED lately. For instance, I slept today from like five to seven. That's not like me! I'm not a napper. And lately, on this very blog, I have been bragging about how much energy I've had in the last couple months. Since Monday, though, I have been tired to the point of not being able to keep my eyes open. Could this be the Tamoxifen? It's not the new vitamins because I only started those yesterday. Who knows. What I do know it is definitely cycle related because I don't think anything with me isn't cycle related.

Speaking of my cycle, it's day 16 and I haven't ovulated yet. Well, I haven't ovulated yet as far as I know. Yesterday was 10KL x1 and so far today, I would chart 4AD. But my temperature hasn't risen (I know, I know...) and I just don't feel like I have. Although now that I think about it, I do feel different today. I haven't had any abdominal pains and the feeling I've had lately in my legs is gone. Maybe I am just not used to it happening this early, so I am expecting more mucus. We'll see soon, I guess.

I have to admit, though, that I can't remember if I had some 6K today or not. Part of me thinks I did, and part of me thinks that was yesterday. I am so bad about this. Sometimes I just can't keep it all straight and I don't want to get to the point of having to take notes after every bathroom visit. I am already keeping enough of a record of my life when I chart everything at night. To do more than that might drive me insane.  I don't know, though. I might have to in order to have my peak +7 blood draw done on the right day. I've been worried all cycle that I'm not going to get that right, which is crazy because I have no reason to think that will happen. I just hope it doesn't end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Alright, I am going to go make some food - despite the fact that I am not hungry - so I can take my B6 (I got a little nauseous last night so I am not taking any chances). Seriously, if it weren't for all the medications I take which require to be taken with food, I would eat a lot less than I do. What a change - I used to eat to make me happy and now I eat to take pills. Oh well. That is my life.

Found it!

Well I just took my first dose of B6 - 500 mg sustained release! I was so excited when I found it, which didn't happen until I visited three more stores today, putting my grand total at eight. When I looked at it on the shelf, I thought it was a beautiful B6 mirage. After stared at it for a while, and reading "sustained release" like ten times just to be sure, I believe I let out a little yelp in the middle of the store.

By the way, my quest took me to a lot of health food and high-end organic grocery stores. I felt like I was seeing how the other half lives! Seriously, though, who can afford this stuff? I had hoped to get a couple things we need at the one store since I had gone all the way there, but the couple dollars that my budget would allow wouldn't have gotten me much, that's for sure! Things cost nearly twice as much as normal! I just hope I get pregnant before it dawns on me that I need to eat organic to help my hormones. Deep down I know that's probably best, but holy cow, it's expensive!

So I've heard you can see results pretty soon from the B6, and I'm hoping I didn't miss my chance to have it do its magic this month. Today is cycle day 15. I saw some 10KL (stretchy, clear and lubricative) this morning, and only 10K (not lubricative) since then. So ovulation is coming, but it is anyone's guess how quickly.

Another interesting side note, I've posted a little bit about a sensation I get in my legs right before a cycle is coming to an end. It always happens, without fail. Well, I totally have had the feeling for a few days now. I also had it around ovulation time last cycle as well. So I'm just curious what it means, because I think it's so interesting. I'm guessing that whatever hormone causes it at the end is also rising mid cycle now as well.. estrogen perhaps? That rises mid cycle, right? (You'd really think I'd be more educated about this stuff, seeing that it is my obsession, but I really don't have a clue). Ya, I think it does.

Thanks for your vitamin advice, by the way. I also decided to keep my GN.C prenatals. The upside is the folic acid is the highest I've found (1,000 mcg), while the downside is it involves taking four pills. That's right, four. I found one today at Who.le Foo.ds that has 1,000 mcg folic acid and comes in one pill, but I'd already opened mine so I'm stuck with them for 30 days.

Well, not much else to talk about. That's usually what happens this time of the cycle for me, I think. I'm not yet waiting, not depressed about anything, but right in the middle of it. I'm going to pray tonight that the B6 creates some wonderful mucus, that my follicles are mature, that my eggs are good quality and that they find their way to the right places. Yes, I meant that to be plural. I might as well ask God for big things!

Vitamin questions

So I am in need of some B6. The Tamoxifen has apparently dried me up, and even though I'm on day 14 of my cycle, I still went in search a bottle of 500 mg timed release B6 (Tues. was day 14). I haven't ovulated yet, as far as I know, so I'm hoping it's not too late for it to help me this cycle.

Just like I expected, I could not find it anywhere. We went to five stores that I can remember. There may have been more.

How do you all find it? The reason I haven't taken it in years (besides the fact that I didn't really need it) was because I thought you had to order it from that special pharmacy in Omaha. But then I read on several blogs that it can be found in health food stores, even Walm.art. Well, apparently not where I live.

The closest we found was a bottle of 300 mg timed release and another bottle of 500 mg that isn't timed release. A friend told me that taking two 300 mg, one in the morning and one in the evening, would be fine, so I'm going back out in the morning to buy that one.

While we were on our quest for B6, I also bought some new prenatal vitamins. I'm constantly confused about what separates good ones from not-as-good ones, but I found a box at G.NC that had more folic acid - 1000 mg(?) - that any of the rest I had seen, so I bought them. They weren't too expensive ($20), but that actually made me nervous because I have heard good ones are more costly. I haven't opened them yet, so is there anything else I should look for to determine if they're good? Any other vitamins that should be in certain amounts?

I just feel so clueless when it comes to this. I should just relax, I know. When it comes to the B6, it's not like I've had no mucus, it just hasn't been lubricative. Today (Tuesday.. I haven't gone to bed yet) I will chart 10K x3. Yesterday was 10K x1, if I remember correctly. It's just not the same, though. But, then again, different is good!

Okay, this is sort of stream of consciousness, so I'm going to go to bed. I'd appreciate any advice you have, though!

The letter *Updated

I just can't do it. I'm not entirely sure why, but my mind is a completely empty when it comes to this. I cannot, for the life of me, think of absolutely anything to say in the birthparent letter.

I've looked online. I've read blogs and websites that give tips. I've read other letters. I've prayed. I've read the tips our agency gives us. I've thought about it for nearly four months.

My husband was nice enough to write one yesterday, but because I am a control-freak, I don't want to use it. He is more of a fact person and this letter needs to be more flowery and emotional. If it were just going in our file, I'd use his letter because I don't think the letter is going to be the deciding decision in whether a birthparent picks us. Our social worker even told us most birthmothers ask them to pick for them. I'm stressing because it is going to go online and our family, friends and strangers (including the other waiting couples) will be able to read it.

As I re-read that last paragraph, it seems like I am spending way too much time caring what other people think. I don't really care, though. I just want an average letter to put up there that will blend in with the others. It doesn't have to be anything special. I just want to get it DONE. (I know, I know.. you're thinking, then use your husband's letter. I might use parts of it, but I have to re-work it and that is still overwhelming me).

What is getting me, I think, is the opening line/paragraph. So many are so hokey. I just cannot figure out how to start it. And you are probably thinking I just need to relax and do it, just say anything. That's fine.. but I can't! My mind is blank. Utterly blank.

Not surprisingly, it has crossed my mind whether this writers' block means that we're not supposed to adopt. That seems silly, but if my heart was into it, wouldn't this be at least a little bit easier?

So I am wasting another day at my computer, alternating between staring at a blank Word file and googling "birthparent letter."

I wish I didn't have to do this.

And if this letter wasn't causing me enough stress this cycle and potentially hurting my fragile hormone balance, I realized yesterday that my husband might not be around when I ovulate this month, and all because of the inauguration, which he has to cover for work (of course, right? As if I wasn't already upset enough about this inauguration, now it might affect my first Tamoxifen cycle????). 

I could scream, but I won't because I am trying to not stress about it so that I don't cause a later ovulation, thereby pretty much ensuring he will be gone for it. What a vicious cycle!

I am on cycle day 12. He will be gone the Jan. 19-21, and will be back home on the 22nd. That means he will be gone on cycle days 20-22. That sounds okay, but my peak day has been around day 18 every other month lately and so while he might be here for my peak day, he'd be gone for at least part of the count of three. I know, I know...we should be fine. I'm just nervous about the possibility that I'll ovulate late. Does anyone know if drugs like Clomid and Tamoxifen affect when you ovulate, like causing it to happen sooner or later than normal?

The good news is if this every other month thing keeps up, this month will be a cycle where I ovulate early, possibly by mid-week even, around day 15. That would be ideal. So I am probably worrying about it for no reason. 

I'm also not looking forward to him being gone. I'll be so lonely. Hopefully I will at least still be doing well emotionally.

I've also been seeing less mucus than normal, but last month I said that very same thing and the next day started a string of days where I saw wonderful mucus, so I won't go there.

I need to stop worrying and stressing; I can be my own worst enemy. I still have a positive attitude, I'm trusting in the Lord that I will get pregnant one day, and I've given up worrying about the big things. No wonder I am finding little things to stress about. I'm just filling the void that was left, apparently.

I think I'm going to go pray more about the letter.

***********************************************************

*Update: Well maybe it was your prayers, or maybe it was my venting on this blog, but soon after clicking "publish" on this post, the words began to flow. (Great advice, though, that several of you left in the comments about writing it in adoration! If I hadn't been able to do it tonight, I would have definitely tried that)

So, in the end, my letter is very similar to my husband's. Other than a couple lines at the beginning and end, I didn't even use his as I wrote mine. I realized they were nearly identical once I was finished. It makes sense, since it's the same life we were writing about. I think I just needed to do it myself. Maybe it was something I needed to work through. I know I feel better now that it's over, and better than had I just used his. Although it was awfully nice of him to do it. 

And since one stressful thing usually makes me stress about other things, having this letter out of the way has already made me relax about my cycle. Next, we'll edit it and show it to others for their thoughts, but the hardest part is over. What a weight lifted off my shoulders! Now we just have to find my husband's missing DMV pin number needed to access the DMV website in order to print out his driving records. They have to mail it to you, and it was sent to our old address because that is what is in the system for him, but the mail is no longer forwarded. Ahhh! We will finish this home study one way or another!!

Permeating confidence

I think my positive attitude has taken over. It's not that I'm happy-go-lucky 24 hours a day or anything (just ask my husband about a certain muffin fiasco yesterday...let's just say he experienced my wrath when he didn't add the baking powder to the batter and wasted two batches of muffins. Yes, you read that right. He was making muffins for me and I yelled at him), but my confidence that I will conceive has permeated me. My default thought is that I will get pregnant. 

I can't describe how huge that is for me, but most of you can relate, I'm sure. I just decided that I shouldn't ask God for something when I doubt he will give it to me. If that's what I think, then why bother asking?

I'm not saying I don't expect hard times ahead. I was just saying yesterday to Lifehopes that I feel as if I will have some failed cycles in the near future. I don't know if it's theologically sound to say I think God wants to test me, but I do think he wants to see what I'm made of, or, at least, he wants me to see what I'm made of. I think he wants me to weather a few storms with my new positive attitude so I can learn how to stay hopeful as the darkness sets in, something I really haven't done yet.

I just know that a pregnancy is ahead of me, whether that means in a few weeks or a few years.

Sew Infertile, in one of her posts, compared her prayer life to yo-yo dieting and I couldn't agree more! As I type this, I worry that this surrendering to God and this confidence in him will not last much longer. I know myself, after all. But I can't think like that. It isn't all or nothing. I might fall off the wagon, but that doesn't mean I can't get right back on. 

And, speaking of diets, if I can be so completely on board with my diet, then why can't I apply that same will power to this? I DON'T yo-yo diet, so I won't yo-yo pray.

I have also stepped up my prayer life. Nothing huge, but I pray at the hour of divine mercy, 3 o'clock. I say the chaplet and some other prayers, including a novena. Then, before we go to bed, we pray more. We say some beautiful prayers I found in a little book I've had for several months, but never opened. I think sometimes we read things, or open things, at just the right time. 

I'm a strong believer in the concept that God likes us to meet him half way. Now, I know that God doesn't have to do that, he can - and does - do anything he wants, so there are always exceptions to that rule. But, for me, I have the most success, spiritually, when I put forth an effort. It makes sense, right? And sometimes I think I'm putting forth an effort, but I'm lying to myself. I'm like that little girl throwing a fit in her bedroom, sobbing and yelling through the door, "But MOM! I AM in a better moooood! I'm going to behaaaaave!" instead of just actually calming down. I think that's how I spent a great deal of my childhood.

This happened when I went through my conversion four and a half years ago. I felt like I was banging my head against the wall for the first year. I wanted so desperately to be at that next level, to fully believe in God and be a faithful Catholic, but it just wasn't clicking. I still had doubts, although I didn't want to have them. I prayed and prayed, and nothing. 

Looking back, clearly, anything but nothing was going on. So much was happening. But it wasn't until I stepped out of myself and really put forth an effort that I found myself where I wanted to be. I stopped going through the motions, and I started actually living out what I previously only said I did. I threw every part of myself into the act of believing, and while uncomfortable, it paid off. Before I knew it, I did believe with my whole heart. It kind of just happened. And not in a I-tricked-myself-into-believing sort of way. No, I now understood what people talked about when they said they knew God (something I resented before because I'd never experienced it). He was present in my life and I was aware of that for, really, the first time.

On one hand, you could say that I was just too lazy to do the actual work involved in the conversion God was clearly calling me to and that while I wanted it more than anything in the entire world, my humanness and sinfulness was keeping me from obtaining it. And that it wasn't until I got off my behind and met him half way, did things change. 

But on the other hand, you could also say that God used that time as part of my conversion. After all, is it a conversion if we don't have to do any of the work and don't have to improve ourselves? Is it as rewarding if he just carries us up the cliff, as opposed to us climbing it? 

I think I can apply that to my life now. On one hand, I can say that while a baby is now what I want more than anything else in the whole world, for the first four years I kind of dragged my heels and wanted it magically fixed for me. I was that little girl frantically crying, "God! Pleeeeaaaase! I'm suffering, I'm praying, I've learned everything you have wanted me to learn from this! I swear I have! I'm ready for you to bless me with a pregnancy!" I wasn't really trying, but I liked to tell him I was!

Now, I hope, I am beginning to be that calm girl who has collected herself and is politely waiting for her mother (or father, in this case) to come retrieve her from the room*.

On the other hand, I don't think I was ready until now and God knew I needed that entire experience. God wanted me to use these years to grow and I hope I have. The individual experiences, at the time, may have seemed useless, but they have all added up to be a priceless journey and one that I hope, one day, I will say I wouldn't trade for anything in the world (I'm not quite there yet). 

I don't pretend to know why this experience was necessary for me and not for someone else, but I do know that God knows us all individually and I trust that he knows what is best for us all. 

I know I still may have a long road ahead of me, but I am thankful for this time of trust, no matter how long it might last (I've heard coming down from the ovulation drugs can be especially hard, so I might need to re-read this in about two-and-a-half weeks!). It's been sort of like a break - from the constant worry, anger and frustration - and we can all use a break, right?

*Please know that I am not implying at all that infertility is a punishment. Rather, the way I've handled my suffering is, at times, as if I am throwing an outright fit.

Blood work

I forgot to mention in my last post that I got my blood work results for my day-three draws of estradiol and prolactin. They are both normal. Prolactin was 2.3 and estradiol was 65. My pap smear was also normal. Praise be to God! 

I just didn't want good news to go unnoticed. It is so easy to take that for granted. And, by the way, I am getting used to normal test results lately! After four years of all my tests having something wrong, it's a great change!

Adoration and medication

I just came from adoration. I have never been more confident that I am supposed to spend this time of waiting suffering gracefully, and graciously, and absorbing everything that God wants me to learn. I want to give myself over to him completely and for him to allow us to follow only his path, whatever that may be. I told the Lord tonight that although I fail miserably at this every day, to have mercy on me and I will continue to do my best.

But, seriously, I am pathetic. Do you know how long it's been since I prayed a Rosary? And I choose the computer or television over prayer every day. But then, when I need him, I turn to God, begging him to deliver me from my suffering. When it's convenient for me, I pray for myself and maybe throw in some prayers for all of you and anything else that crosses my mind. What is wrong with me? I need to overhaul things in a big way.

I dreamed I was pregnant last night. I'd never done that before. I've dreamed of babies, which may or may not have been mine, but never of being pregnant. In my dream it was very early on, and although I'd like to say it had the potential to be realistic, it did not. I was seeing my doctor (not my real doctor) in what looked like a college dorm room. The only thing I remember is I was sitting on a bed with a friend next to me and the "doctor" told me I was one and a half centimeters dilated. What!? I wasn't even showing yet! I looked around and there were women sitting on the other side of the bed, waiting for their appointments. It was very weird. I remember being very happy, though!

Today I took my last dose of Tamoxifen. I don't think I had any side effects, but I did have some heartburn the last two days and I got nauseous briefly tonight. I also had some pain on my left side near my ovary last night, and it was bad enough to take advil, which I hardly ever do (because I like to be completely aware of the pain). I had more pain there tonight, around the same time, but it wasn't nearly as bad and I didn't take anything this time. 

I've also been meaning to ask, does anyone know how I could get some more charts? I ran out, and I asked my instructor for more, but she's really busy and so I don't want to bother her again. I could make my own, which I will probably do, but I really wanted more Creighton ones. If anyone has any suggestions, like if I can buy them somewhere, please let me know.

Speaking of charting, today is cycle day seven. My chart looks like this so far:
1-L
2-H
3-M
4-VL 0AD
5-VL 0AD
6-0AD
7-VL 8B x2 (I'm not sure this is charted correctly)

I figure the spotting is due to the Tamoxifen and so I'm not concerned. I am excited for this cycle and if it is not THE cycle, then I will do my best to stay positive. Lord, have mercy on me!

Cheesecake bars

Okay, so I could have just given you this link to the recipe yesterday, but I didn't because I am a mean person! Just kidding. So it's actually a Paula Deen recipe, but I wanted to write out my low-fat, low G.I. version for you, complete with my photographs. So here it is:



Ingredients

Crust:
1 cup white wheat flour
1/4 cup packed Splenda* brown sugar mix
1 cup chopped pecans or walnuts
1 stick butter, melted (I use real butter here because light butter isn't always the right consistency for keeping crusts or toppings together, but if you try it, let me know how it works! You could also lower amount to be 3/4 stick and it would probably be fine)

Filling:
2 (8-ounce) packages low-fat cream cheese, softened
2/3 cup Splenda
1/8 cup sugar (I always supplement the Splenda with a little real sugar when baking; spread throughout the entire recipe, it isn't too bad)
3 Eggland's Best eggs
1 teaspoon pure vanilla or almond extract

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Combine flour, brown sugar, pecans and/or walnuts, and butter in bowl. Press dough into an ungreased 13 by 9 by 2-inch pan.



Bake for 12 to 15 minutes or until lightly browned.

For filling, beat cream cheese and Splenda/sugar together in a bowl until smooth, using a handheld electric mixer; add eggs and extract; beat well. Pour over crust.





Bake for 20 minutes.

Cool completely. Cut into squares before serving.

You can also make low-sugar hot fudge to drizzle over it, or I sometimes actually put the chocolate in the bars. To do this, spread the chocolate over the cooled crust and put it in the freezer until the chocolate is hard. Then pour the cream cheese mixture over it and bake as normal. They can also be made as cupcakes, which can make things a lot easier when it comes to cutting them. Enjoy!

*If you don't want to use Splenda, let me know how other sugar substitutes work out. I still use it because I hardly ever have it and I can't imagine that eating something with it once in a while is going to hurt me. There's always something that's going to kill you. And right now, real sugar is my true enemy!

More photos of my babies

I am still loving my new camera, so that means you get to see more pictures of my pets. 

Here's Jasper, the eldest of our babies.

A very pregnant - and feral - cat wandered onto the outdoor weather set of the t.v. station where Ryan and I worked together back in 2002. She had kittens and we took one of the boys home. It turned out a few months later that Jasper was actually a girl.

Despite her feral roots (of which Ryan likes to remind her), she's an elegant cat. She's very thin, nearly underweight. She's also the alpha animal of our house, so her size is not due to her inability to get to the food dish. She could have as much as she wants because she is in charge.

Despite our constant love and affection, she is ornary, to say the least, and cries ALL...THE...TIME. As we like to tell her, we know she has it bad. Really bad. We are mean, horrible parents who don't even let her go outside, except for a stretch of several months where we used to live (until she got lost and almost didn't make it back in time to join us on our move down south). 

She lives each day longing to be an outdoors cat, but, believe it or not, she even cries when we let her out - supervised, of course - so we're not quite sure what she's trying to tell us, other than that she likes to complain. You'd think that perhaps something is wrong with her, but she's fine. She is just a cry baby. 

The other day when we heard her muffled cry, I frantically checked all the closets, where she's been known to fall asleep and then get trapped inside. She was no where to be found, and then it hit me - she was outside. She must have escaped when we were going in or out (it is a constant battle; we never open the door very wide because she WILL outsmart you) and when she realized we weren't right behind her to yell her name and chase her all over the yard, she came crying at the door. It was also raining, but she would have come home anyways because she loves us.

She's also super smart and I even taught her sign language. She waves her hand when she wants some of my food. And she is very picky - she only does this once in a great while. That's how I know when she really wants something I have. She loves rotisserie chicken.

Then there's Sophie...

But you know all about her. When we picked her up, the breeder told us she'd never be a show dog because of her pink nose. And her lazy eye. Oh, darn. We had big plans.

Don't you just love that face?

This isn't one of our pets, but it's on my mind right now...

Low-fat, low G.I. cheesecake bars I made last night, and it tastes even better than it looks. I'm about to go get one. I love my diet. 

Don't worry, I'll post the recipe tomorrow, complete with a picture tutorial. 

Moving mountains

As I type, Ryan is getting his physical, one of the last remaining pieces to the adoption home study puzzle. Not the last, but one of the last. We still have to write our birthmother letter, get a letter from his employer and print out some form from the DMV website. Just things we have been putting off. Oh, and I have to get a TB shot.

Adoption still doesn't seem real. I'm very calm about it (perhaps too calm, as you may have noticed from all the remaining paperwork) and I'm pretty much trusting God and allowing his will to be done. It is so easy for me to do this with adoption, but so hard when it comes to trying to conceive.

But that is all about to change. Actually, it already has - starting on January first.

I am not a resolution sort of person, so this isn't one. This epiphany just happened to take place on the first of the year. We were making the 50-minute drive from my husband's parents' house to Lifehope's home. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I had borrowed the book-on-CD Left To Tell from her and since I was nearly finished, I figured we might as well finish it in time to give it back to her in person. Let me just say that this book is amazing. Immaculee Ilibagiza's story of spending three months hiding in a bathroom with several other women while the Rwandan genocide was going on outside is horrific, but her faith through it all is completely inspirational. This woman had the battle of good and evil raging in her mind as she spent nearly every waking moment praying. She fought off demons and was given great visions and messages from our Lord. She had moments of doubt, but she never collapsed into self-pity and never stopped trusting in God.

Of course, I listened to the book with my own struggles in mind. I wanted to perhaps adopt some methods for giving it all over to God. And I did - Immaculee's strength had already inspired me to be more positive and to trust that God would deliver. I had struggled with one thing, though - why had he saved her? I am certain other faithful Rwandans had prayed just as hard and with just as much faith as she did, but had been butchered by the Interahamwe. She does deal with this near the end of the book, by telling another refugee who wondered this very thing that God allowed them to live so they'd be left to tell their stories. It does remind us of the seemingly random manner in which God appears to answer prayers for some and not for others, why he gives the positive pregnancy test for some, while others will never experience that joy. I haven't thought enough about this yet for it to make complete sense to me, and I doubt it ever will, but I do feel very deeply that God doesn't want me to think about that. To think about the negative outcome that could happen is the devil whispering in my ear that God can't deliver, that he isn't who he says he is.

So as we were making the short trip north, we listened to the very end where Immaculee talks about her life since 1994. She had mentioned earlier in the story how positive thinking and envisioning God delivering her from the bathroom (even what the U.N. peacekeeper who they would take refuge with would look like) had played an important role in her story, but she went into even more detail in the epilogue. I won't say exactly what she prayed for, in case you want to read the book, but there are two things, in particular, that she discusses. She prayed fervently for each thing, but also envisioned it happening, even to the point of pretending, in a sense, that it had already happened. She trusted that the Lord would grant her prayer, but seemed to balance it with an acceptance of his ultimate will.

Both things she prayed for (and these are big things on par with pregnancy) came to be. We know that God calls us to have have faith that our prayers will be answered. As Christ says in Mark, Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. So, as soon as the book ended, Ryan and I began to discuss ways we could put this very thing into practice - starting that night.

As I've said before, I have felt very strongly that God has been calling me to have trust that he will answer my prayers. That has been the message I've been receiving on my heart throughout the fall and early winter. In adoration, when I read Scripture, whatever I am doing, it always comes back to that. And whenever I question Scripture passages about believing that your prayer will be answered (because millions of prayers go unanswered every day - and for very good reason, I know), I always feel confident that I am not supposed to think those thoughts. I am not supposed to contemplate it. I am supposed to leave it alone.

So we spent the rest of the ride to Lifehope's house and also the ride from her house to ours, thinking up ways to really, truly put this into practice. We decided to come up with names, and while I am not a naming ahead sort of person, I think this is important for us. It might seem a little weird to do this before you even conceive - even the idea of putting a baby's name on a cake at a shower makes me shudder (maybe I've stolen that from the Jewish religion.. don't they take great care to not write a baby's name before it's born?) - but we need to do tangible things that show we are confident our babies are headed to us. So we came up with more definitive names. They were basically the ones we were already going to go with, but now we will refer to them by name (but only to each other. And they could change - we are most definitely not locked in).

There are other things I still hope to incorporate into my daily routine. I want to write a prayer that I will say every morning, referring to my future babies, and thanking God for his future answer to our prayers. I will plan the nursery in my mind and clear out the room, so it will be all ready to decorate once I am pregnant.

We are also making changes in our attitude, which could be the most important changes of all. For instance, I will no longer refer to our potential to remain childless or make cracks about all the great things childless couples could do that I have no desire to do. I will not use the word barren, because I am not. I have eggs and a real-life doctor has declared that I do, in fact, ovulate. I also try to spend some time each day picturing myself getting the positive pregnancy test and then, later, a pregnant stomach. That concept has been has difficult in the past as envisioning myself with antlers.

There may seem to be a delicate balance between faithfulness and too much confidence, even appearing that we are telling God what to do and neglecting his will. I don't think that balance is too difficult to maintain when you are coming from the perspective of having no faith that your prayers will be answered. All I can say is I feel called to this, to have supreme confidence that the desires of our heart to be pregnant will be satisfied. I can barely type or think that thought without immediately thinking about the "what if?": sometimes God says "no", many faithful couples never conceive, etc., etc. I don't have a good, sound theological argument to back this up, but as I've said before, I just KNOW that I am not supposed to spend any time on those doubts.

Immaculee could have thought that she, too, would be murdered because, after all, why was she any better than the other hundreds of thousands of Rwandans killed? God had let her family, her friends, all die, so why should she have confidence that he would hide her? God promises to remain with us all, but God could be with her and the killers might still find her. The odds were most definitely on the side of the killers. She shouldn't have lived.

But she didn't let those thoughts creep in. She blocked them out because we are called to have faith that can move mountains. At one point, Jesus spoke to Immaculee, saying:

Mountains are moved with faith, Immaculée, but if faith were easy, all the mountains would be gone. Trust in me, and know that I will never leave you. Trust in me, and have no more fear. Trust in me, and I will save you. I shall put my cross upon the door, and they will not reach you. Trust in me, and you shall live.

If Immaculee had let those doutbing thoughts creep in, she probably would have died. She would have lost her spirit, her faith. She wouldn't have allowed the Holy Spirit to work through her, to come up with ideas of how to better hide the bathroom door. She might have given up a thousand different times. But she didn't. She trusted that God would save her, not just that she would be with our Lord in Heaven if the killers did reach her, but that God would blind the killers to seeing the door and would make their ears deaf to not hear them shaking and breathing.

I have been close to losing my spirit. And I am not naive enough to think that my new, positive attitude will mean that those days are over. If anything, things might get more difficult. I can imagine it will be even harder to endure months of failed cycles while trying to remain confident that a successful cycle in on the horizon. Just the other day I was in a bad mood, and my first inclination was to give up on my new attitude. That scared me, because it wasn't even a real bad day, it was just a momentary bad mood. I know the depths of depression can go much lower and I have to be ready to fight through that, not letting myself lose hope.

It would have been much easier for Immaculee to give up, and to let the devil move in. That is the road of least resistance, at least in the immediate future. Staying hopeful and confident that God will deliver is much harder, when all the signs are pointing toward him being no where to be found.

It is up to us to stay positive. I can still cry, but instead of letting the crying and disappointment turn into anger at God and doubt in his power, I cry with the Lord, uniting my suffering to his own. And I will cry on the shoulder of Our Lady, knowing that she is comforting me.

I really hope this new attitude doesn't crash and burn. I think my first test will be if it doesn't happen this cycle (I know that it might not happen right away, but it will happen), but, thankfully, I have my husband to keep me on track.

I have such high hopes that this is what God wants of us right now, but I will continue to pray for his guidance, that he put us on whatever path he has ahead of us. That's all that is important.

My week in pictures

This past week was a busy one! We went to my in-laws in Raleigh for New Year's Eve/my father-in-law's birthday and I have lots of pictures to show for it...

Here's my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law beautifully modeling the aprons I gave them for Christmas. Don't they look like the perfect homemakers? (We thought the rolling pin was a nice addition.)

This is our nephew, who turned one in November. Isn't he adorable?

He was opening his grandfather's birthday present while we were eating dinner!

We played Family Feud on the computer and Ryan and I were a force to be reckoned with.

My low G.I. ice cream birthday cake my brother-in-law made for me. Isn't that sweet? Actually, it was artificially sweet, and very good!

Sophie taking a nap before ringing in the new year. She always looks for a pillow to put her head on. 

Here's Abigail!! We stopped at Lifehope's beautiful home on our way back to Richmond and our dogs were able to meet. Sophie and little Abby got along great. And I say that because Sophie gave her the time of day. She usually prefers humans.

It helped that Abby was totally submissive to Sophie. Abby spent most of the time on her back like this!

But she also gave Sophie a run for her money, which Sophie needs!

And if the pictures weren't enough, here's some video of them playing:

And, last but not least, my birthday dinner at the Cheesecake Factory:

I had built up in my mind what I was going to order for a long time now, and while I still had a ton of fun eating out, the meal actually turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. I've come to the conclusion that fattening food just doesn't do it for me anymore! Perhaps God has blessed me with the grace to not be tempted and let nothing get in the way of this diet! But we did share a piece of low-carb cheesecake that was just amazing.

Ryan was actually sick with a cold yesterday (he worked on Friday so we celebrated on Saturday) but he still let me drag him all around Richmond as I searched for a comforter set for the guest bedroom we are doing over. Isn't he the best? Thanks for a great birthday, sweetie!

Question

So my period only lasted three days. Does anyone know what this may mean? Googling doesn't really come up with much, other than that 3-10 days is considered normal. That's fine, but in someone with infertility, who has never had a cycle shorter than five days, it might mean something is up. And I'm actually not being a pessimist. I'm hoping it means that things are just regulating themselves. I'm not sure why that would cause a short period, but I'm trying to be positive! 

It got off to a pretty normal start. The first day was light, second was heavy and third was medium. And today...nothing. I did start the Tamoxifen yesterday. Could that stop my period? 

I also haven't had any extra stress, no changes in my diet, and no changes in medication other than starting Tamoxifen.

I don't mean to sound like I am stressing over this. I'm really not! But I think you can all understand why any change like this would peak my interest. Anything new and different is interesting. Please let me know if you have any insight!

New age, new medication

I started a new cycle on New Year's Eve, so today was my first dose of Tamoxifen. I also had to get blood drawn today, my 32nd birthday, and while for some getting blood drawn may be a negative thing, I enjoy anything that has to do with furthering my treatment so I welcomed it. Actually, when Ryan and I were trying to think of what I could do for my birthday, he asked me what makes me the happiest in the world, and said I could do that. I told him, in all seriousness, going to the infertility doctor makes me the happiest and I already did that on Monday. And I wasn't kidding in the least bit.

Oh, how strange our lives become when they are dominated by trying to get pregnant.

So while visiting my doctor again so soon was out, the next best thing, I suppose, it starting an ovluation drug and getting blood drawn. 

Actually, I was near tears this afternoon after something stressed me out, but then I got one of the best birthday presents I could ever hope for. I started instant messaging my mom on facebook (we started a page for her, and she actually checks it now and then!) and she told me that on their way down south this Easter, they are going to stop and stay with us for two days. My family hasn't been able to stay with us for more than just overnight once, so I can't wait! We also go with them on vacation - the one they'll be headed to when they stop at our house - but I'm just so excited for them to be here for a good amount of time.

Ryan's at work now, and I'm about to head to daily Mass. I don't usually go, but I figure it's a good way to start this new year and new age, not to mention new medication. It's also St. Therese's birthday, so I thought I'd go early and ask her for some intercessory prayer help as well. 

For lunch, we went to Red Ro.bin because we discovered that they have whole grain buns, so I got a cheeseburger on one of those (my motto: cheat with fat, not with the bad stuff). It wasn't that great, I have to say. Honestly, I think because I no longer place such an importance on food, it no longer wows me. Yes, somethings I find really yummy, but not as much as I used to. It was fun though. And I also did a little shopping before lunch and got a few things, which I think I've done every year on my birthday for as long as I can remember.

Then we went to Lo.we's to price a few things. We have decided to do over our guest room, which is also my sewing room. We are also going to be moving our office in there as well, since our office will become the nursery. So we are going to look for great deals and do over the room for super cheap. Today we found a 5x7 berber area rug for $39, and some white shelving cubbies that will be used to organize my fabric. I envision the room being fairly neutral, but with all of my fabric on display serving as the accent colors. 

I have a lot more to post about, so I might write more later. First, I've got pictures from our trip to Ryan's parents' house to post (more aprons, but they are being modeled by my in-laws!), some pictures and even video of Sophie playing with Lifehopes' new puppy. She is adorable! And, then, I really need to go into detail about a brand new attitude I am unveiling. I finished Left To Tell, the book on CD about the Rwandan genocide I posted about earlier this week, and it has made me want to turn over a new leaf. Basically, let's just say that I AM going to be pregnant. That's all there is to it.