Brand new outlook

I've really been blessed this week. I had barely begun my attempt at staying positive when the Holy Spirit really spoke to me.

I'm not sure where to begin, so I'll start with this - I now know some things to be true:

1) I must seek God first and foremost.

2) I must love God and praise God as much as is possible right now.

3) He gives us what we need at the right time.

4) God is never unrighteous.

5) I do not deserve anything.

It all started when I hit pretty close to rock bottom last week. It wasn't the first time, and may not be the last, but I was sick of it. I hate feeling that way and didn't want to accept that I had to. And I didn't do anything special or different this time, other than cry out to God that I desperately needed his help like I always do.

By late last week, I had begun to feel like God was calling me - challenging me, even - to be positive. Well, that was the last thing I wanted to hear. But I felt the nudge, every time I talked about infertility, every time I wrote a blog post.

Then this Sunday, we happened to go to a different Mass than normal due to some scheduling conflicts. It turned out we heard a homily that really spoke to me, and if we'd gone to our normal Mass we wouldn't have heard it.

Our priest preached all about that day's psalm - Psalm 145.

It's kind of funny, because when I heard the responsorial psalm - about God giving us our meat in due season - I scoffed. "Sure," I thought. "But what about those of us who wait and then never get our meat?"

But the homily was all about how that psalm related to unanswered prayer, in particular, St. Augustine's sermons on the topic. I almost cried! A couple days later, I found St. Augustine's writings, the very same stuff our priest referenced, online.

It. is. amazing.

I tried to read it at home to no avail. I'm usually unable to focus enough to read anything, let alone something written hundreds of years ago. So I printed it out, took it to adoration, and prayed before the Blessed Sacrament, asking the Holy Spirit to help me understand the words.

I read the actual psalm first, then the commentary.

Well, wow. Not only was I able to get past all the "thees" and "thous", but I was able to really let it sink into my heart.

First, I love, love, LOVE St. Augustine. Not that I've discovered anything new here! But, as I said before, I'm not a big reader, so I had never actually read anything he'd written before.

Second, it was as if a lightning bolt hit me as I read this. It immediately all came into focus.

I was in such rough shape. I really was. I was focused on one thing and one thing only - getting pregnant. Not being a mother. Not being a good wife, neighbor, friend. Not being a good child of God. And definitely not on praising him. I was angry at God. I thought I deserved something that he saw fit to dole out to everyone else in the world. I knew that I would make a good mother now and didn't know why God hadn't figured that out yet. He was behind. He was wrong. He was unfair. And he wasn't shaping up to be the God everyone always talked about...you know, the God of a little thing we call the Bible.

I was spinning my wheels. I was digging them in deep because I didn't want to be happy. If I let God see that I was happy, then he'd think I was okay. And I wasn't okay without a pregnancy. I was going to live my life miserable, because I knew that a pregnancy was the only way I'd find joy.

I knew. I was smarter. I had figured it all out.

I was embarrassed when I realized how wrong I was. I needed to be praising God through all of this. I'm not worthy of anything in and of myself, God gives me worth. I don't deserve a pregnancy.

I need to love God, pregnancy or no pregnancy. I need to love him now, in this place and time, so that I don't love him because of a pregnancy. My love for him should not fluctuate based on my answered prayers.

I need to seek him in truth, which means seeking him, and not his gifts. Not what he can do for me.

I realized I had been asking a question before I did anything spiritually - 'will this help me to get pregnant?'. That needed to stop. My praise of God, my prayer, saying the rosary, visiting shrines - it all needs to be because I love him, not because I think it will lead to some magical end. I wasn't seeking him in truth.

I need to seek him, without wondering if what I'm doing will suddenly convince him to bless me with a pregnancy. I need to seek him as if there will be no pregnancy, because only he knows if there will be.

I need to stay positive - not because it's a means to an end, that somehow having hope that I'll be pregnant one day will cause me to become pregnant - but because we all need to be positive as children of God. I need to hope because I love him, because I hope in him.

At Mass on Tuesday, I heard him telling me to open my heart to love more. That surprised me because I didn't know that was even one of my issues, but I immediately saw that it was.

And, since it seems to be a theme in this sermon, I need to praise him, praise him, praise him.

I will write much more on St. Augustine's sermon on Psalm 145 in the coming days. Right now I need to pack for a weekend trip with a few other bloggers (which I'm sure I'll have a lot to write about as well). But for now, I will leave you with this...a couple passages from the writing that opened my eyes to the truth (he references the line from the psalm first):

"The eyes of all hope upon Thee, and Thou givest them food in due season" (ver 15). Just as when thou refreshest a sick man in due season, when he ought to receive, then Thou givest, and what he ought to receive, that Thou givest. Sometimes then men long, and he giveth not: he who tendeth, knoweth the time to give. Wherefore say I this, brethren? Lest any one be faint, if perchance he hath not been heard, when making some righteous request of God. For when he maketh any unrighteous request, he is heard to his punishment: but when making some righteous request of God, if perchance he have not been heard, let him not be down-hearted, let him not faint, let his eyes wait for the food, which He giveth in due season. When He giveth not, He therefore giveth not, lest that which He giveth do harm. ..."Thou givest them meat in due season."

For many call upon Him, but not in truth. They seek something else from Him, but seek not Himself... Thou hast desired all these things of Him: I beseech thee desire of Him Himself also."

Oh, St. Augustine is so good! I'm excited to read more!

Thank you, Dear Lord, for giving me this insight. You once again have pulled me out of despair. I give you all the glory!

The mother load

No, I did not rob a pharmacy.

These 52 - yes, FIFTY-TWO - pregnancy tests were obtained legally. They are all mine to do with as I choose, and right now making some sort of art project out of them might be the most fruitful option.

There's some irony here, isn't there? All the tests one could ever need, but no pregnancy hormones to turn them positive.

Sorry. I'm supposed to be thinking positive! Okay, so here goes: Maybe one of these will be the miracle stick!

Anyways, back to the story of how I obtained them. So my mom is a school nurse and someone from a major retail chain store approached her with a bunch of boxes of pregnancy tests that the store could no longer sell because they'd been opened, damaged, returned, etc. (apparently opening boxes of pregnancy tests and stealing one is pretty popular. Classy. And they probably all come out positive too). She, being an elementary school nurse, couldn't use them and so the woman checked with the high school nurse who, apparently, wasn't allowed to use them. Well, it turns out my mom had made a comment to the woman about how her daughter could use them and so she returned to her office to offer them all to her. And so they're mine. For free. All 52 of them. Isn't that awesome?

Seriously, this is going to save me money. Not that I buy a lot - I've had a need to use maybe three in the past two years - but still, they're expensive. Not to mention that the money was always painful to part with. You just knew you were throwing the ten bucks away!

I've already used one at the beginning of this cycle just because I could. And just to make completely sure I could start the Tamoxifen (because my luck would be that I'd be pregnant on a fluke only to take a hazardous medication that would end it). There's also a pack of ovulation detectors so I'm going to use them starting tomorrow.

And I'm definitely going to stay away from the plus-minus ones after my last incident. They are evil! Luckily, I have a few dozen others to choose from!

Trying

I'm trying to stay positive.

And it is HARD work.

I think it's actually physically painful. And, of course, it's definitely emotionally painful. And I thought this was supposed to make you feel better?

Seriously, I feel like I am making a big enough sacrifice being infertile, why do I have to be infertile and happy about it? I am more miserable when I'm infertile and trying to be happy than when I'm just infertile.

Okay, this was supposed to be a positive post.

Instead of writing about how the sight of pregnant women makes me cry, I will instead write about how I am starting to go to daily Mass. It's going good. Ryan's going with me. I like starting our day earlier and having a schedule that we keep to. Hopefully I'll get some spiritual insight that will help me each day as I try to stay positive despite my despair. Hopefully there won't be any pregnant women there.

Instead of writing about how I know I will never conceive and that God has chosen not to bless us in that way, I will instead write about how I am trying to pretend to have this illusive thing that people call hope. So, ya. I am trying my best to have hope, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to hope for. That I'll have happiness being childless one day? I guess for now I'll hope in the Lord. Keep it general.

Instead of writing about how I am totally stressed that I'll probably be out of town during my peak days this weekend, I will instead write about how I'm trying to convince myself that all the pain and nausea the Tamoxifen caused this week won't be all for nothing. Not that I have a shot at actually getting pregnant - oh no! For women like me, taking an ovulation drug is just so your doctor can rule it out.

Positive!! Positive!! Deep breaths!!

God loves me. He is doing this for my good. My GOOD. He wants me to seek him, not a baby. I'm trying.

I'm hoping that by trying, he will help me along. As I've said before, from my own experience I've learned that God likes me to put forth an effort before he pulls me out of a bad situation (well, he's pulled me out of a bad situation before with no help from me, but that was when I came back to the Church. I think he wants more from me now). While I do think that the act of suffering is putting forth an effort in and of itself, I can admit that I am still resisting something. I'm not sure what that even means, but I know I could be doing a lot more spiritually.

So I'm trying. Maybe nothing will come of it, but surely nothing was coming of despairing either. I just hope God doesn't let me end up worse off.

Side effects

I've been dealing with a lot of nausea and headaches lately. I'm hoping it's due to the double dose of Tamoxifen I'm on (it's the last day of it, I think) and not some new, weird illness.

I'm still getting hungry and I'm still eating, but in between meals I feel like sick to my stomach. My gut is also bloated and kind of crampy.

Anyone experience side effects like that? I was fine on the 20, but the 40 is definitely affecting me. I'd be perfectly fine suffering through the sickness if I was sure that's what it was. I just get nervous I'm getting sick, like stomach bug sick.

I have more to post about, but I've got to get off of the computer. Day two of being positive went well. It was helped by a great homily this morning about unanswered prayer. Apparently St. Augustine wrote some good stuff about that topic, and I'm currently searching for it on the internet. Anyone familiar with it?

Speaking of staying positive and counting my blessings, I was blessed tonight to have dinner with three lovely ladies - GIHM, Fertile Thoughts and Lifehopes - and two of their husbands. Here is a picture with Lifehopes cropped out for privacy reasons (you'll have to go to her blog to see the picture in its entirety!):

Focused on the Lord

I'm feeling better, thankfully. And I've been thinking a lot about how I really need to just remain faithful. I have a choice to either succumb to the pain, or try to see the positive in things, no matter how difficult it is to see.

I do have blessings in my life. And I can make a conscious decision to try my best to focus on those blessings. So I'm going to try to think more about what God has done for me, and think less about what he hasn't.

I'm not saying I'm always going to have success with that, but I guess I'll never have any success if I don't try.

Plus, I really do think God understands when we're trying our best, when we're really trying hard to stay positive when it's really not easy.

So I'm going to make some changes. Wake up earlier, come up with a sort of routine to my day. Focus on the positive.

This might not change anything, but at least I'll be putting forth an effort.

I can't say that I'm not worried this won't help. How can I not be? I have tried to be positive many, many times before. This is definitely nothing new. But I have to start again, I guess. Keep plugging along. Focus on God's promises. Focus on eternity, where I imagine that one day I won't care about everyone else getting pregnant.

So I'm going to stop being angry at God. Stop blaming him and questioning him. I've done it for so long that, frankly, I am just tired of it.

I just can't imagine that the Lord would want to see me suffer like this, would want to knowingly inflict pain upon me. Would watch as I cry in agony, still refusing to fill my heart's desire, a desire I believe He gave to me in the first place.

It's a mystery.

I just can't, as a Christian, as a Catholic, believe he could do this to me. Yes, he is all-powerful, but no loving father, THE loving father, would want...want...me to endure this type of pain.

It's a mystery.

So I will try my best. Remain faithful. Focused.

And I won't stop asking.

I have to believe that God will give me peace, heal the hole infertility has left, fully open my heart to adoption. I just can't face the thought that I'll never be a mother.

I will remain faithful, and try to believe (despite how hard it is for me to even type this) that good things can happen to me.

"And she made a vow, promising: "O LORD of hosts, if you look with pity on the misery of your handmaid, if you remember me and do not forget me, if you give your handmaid a male child, I will give him to the LORD for as long as he lives. (I Samuel 1:11)

Double bind

Not a good day so far.

My cycle has taken a step backwards. I haven't had any tail-end brown bleeding since March, but I'm having it today (it's cycle day five). Great.

I also just left a third message on my doctor's office voice mail. I left my first message on Monday, then another on Tuesday, and haven't heard back from anyone all week. I'm just curious what they think my pain may have been, and if they think I need to get an ultrasound. I also need to know if they decided if I can have a trigger shot this cycle.

I'm just really having a hard time lately. Ha. Who am I kidding? I've been having a tough time for the last five years.

It's hard to put it into words (God knows I've tried), but all I can say is that every breathe I take is painful. How's that for sounding melodramatic? But it's true.

I described it to my husband today like this: Imagine a time when you've had a terrible back ache, stomach bug or migraine and you just lay there in agony praying for relief. Even though it hurts like hell, you do know that it will eventually end and that is what you cling to. When I'm sick like that, I am a huge baby and just pray for it to be over. But what if, while you were in the throes of that pain, you knew it would never go away?

The thought of that is unbearable. And so is infertility. That is what I feel like every day - that there is no end to this pain and that makes living with it that much more difficult. The line I always seem to mutter when I'm crying is "I can't do this anymore," but that is pointless because I have no choice in the matter.

It is really like torture when you think about it.

So what can I do about it? Well, lately not much. I'm lucky if I shower before 4 p.m. and make it to the grocery store by 7. I have been totally consumed by the pain and am barely able to function. At least I now know there is a medical component to why I feel this way (adrenal fatigue), but I really have a hard time believing that fixing that will make dealing with the pain of infertility any easier.

But the real question is - do I want this to get easier?

I often tell God (in not the nicest way) that if he's not going to give me a baby, then the least he can do is take away some of the pain. I've prayed to have my desire to be a mother taken away. I've prayed to have peace.

But do I really want that? NO! What I want is a pregnancy.

It's difficult to do anything to lessen my daily pain when I'm not sure I want it lessened. Well, of course, I desperately want it gone, but there is only one thing on earth that can get rid of it - a pregnancy.

So I'm trapped. I don't want to suffer like this, but I also don't want to stop suffering unless the reason I've stopped suffering is a pregnancy...BUT a pregnancy is not in my future, so I will keep suffering...But I don't know how much longer I can keep suffering because it is sucking the life out of me and I am completely crumbling under the weight of it.

And that is the double bind.

There is no solution and no relief in sight.

So I turn to the saints. Sometimes the saints intimidate me, because I know they were on a higher spiritual plain than I am. I'm just a regular old sinner, so can I really put into practice something I learn from them? Well, I realized that when they were facing similar struggles, they didn't know they were saints. They didn't know when they were in the middle of it that they would one day have people like me looking to them for guidance. And it's not like they knew they'd be famous one day and be called saints by the Church. They were just like me. It's how they reacted to that struggle that helped them rise of the level of saint.

Perhaps the saint I look to most often is St. Therese. She was very real and even a brat in her childhood. I can relate to that. So what would St. Therese do if she were me - married and suffering from infertility? Well, I have to believe that she would have decided to live her life the best she could within the confines of what she had been dealt. I have to believe she would have questioned it, she would have been hurt by it, and she would have cried out to God, but I know she would never have lost her faith. She would have moved on as best she could, recognizing the blessings she had been given. She would have lived her life as a prayer, giving all the glory to God.

But how could she do that? How can I do that? That is the mystery for me. Perhaps it comes back to me not wanting to accept my barrenness. I don't want God's peace if it means never being pregnant.

But I also can't live like this. So unless God gives me a miracle, I have two choices - either continue to live in a state of complete suffering or try to find peace with never being pregnant.

To me, both sound horrible and, for now, I'm just going to be a brat about it.

Sorting it out

I'm feeling much better today. I still have some mild pain, and my stomach feels a little off.

Still haven't heard from my doctor though. And I'm pretty stressed about the pain, wondering what it was.

Besides that, my other big stress lately is keeping track of my medications. I have several new ones and I do not have them down at all. I feel like I am juggling all of them - some have to be with food, on an empty stomach, first thing in the morning, same time each day - and I need to sit down and come up with a plan. I also am not sure what pill is what yet. After taking the same stuff for over a year I had it all straight, but I'm not sure about the new ones yet.

I've been meaning to do this for a while, so I'm going to type it all up here - what I take, when I take them, and the rules for each:

Hydrocortisone: two pills; take at 7:45 with food (I wake up to an alarm, go to the kitchen and eat something, take them, then go back to bed); I keep them in their bottle so as to not have to go looking for them among all my other pills every morning

Synthroid: take when I wake up for a second time; small, oval pill; take with water on an empty stomach

Bromocriptine: first dose, split in half, with food

Metformin: first dose, with food

DHEA: first dose, split in half

Cytomel: take in the afternoon; round pill (looks very similar to bromocriptine), doesn't say to be taken on an empty stomach but I have been (probably should google that)

Tamoxifen: two pills, bigger with an 'M' on them; try to take at same time each day

Bromocriptine: second dose, with dinner

Metformin: second dose, with dinner

DHEA: second dose, usually take with dinner

Pre-natal vitamin: usually take with dinner

See..that's not so bad! When things stress me out and I feel like I don't have a handle on them, I really just need to list them all and recognize that, on paper, it's not as bad as when it's all floating around in my head. This is a perfect example of that.

Maybe I should print that out and put it on my fridge so I don't forget. And maybe I should make a little check list for all of them. I already put them in a seven-day pill box so I don't wonder whether I've already taken one or not (which was a big problem at first), but a check list might help even more.

Hopefully I'll hear from my doctor's office today. I also have to get my blood tested for my thyroid meds today, which I should've done earlier in the week.

And I know I shouldn't be, but I'm starting to get worried that the hydrocortisone isn't working. I know, I know...I probably need a stronger dose (which he will likely give me after seeing if this helps). And I'm sure I also need to give it time. This is the last thing I need to stress out about, but I can't help it.

Pain

Something is wrong with me. I started my period on Sunday, and then woke up on Monday morning with excruciating abdominal pains. I hate to say this, but I haven't felt anything like it since before the endometriosis was removed. I had to revert to my pre-surgery days of popping four advil and using a heating pad (luckily we were at my in-laws and I could use theirs. We can't find ours). It's also typical of my endo pain because it started when I got my period.

The pain did improve yesterday afternoon, but then came back a little, although not as severe, last night while we were at the Mets game. It hurt a little while I was driving home and I felt a little out of it, but attributed that to being tired. Then when we got home, I felt so completely out of it that I cannot even explain it. I just was not myself. I felt drunk. I was dizzy and the pains were beginning to return. At one point I just had to go to bed because it was getting worse.

Then in the night I woke up with some of the worst pain I can imagine. It wasn't cramping like it had been earlier, but like I was in the middle of a horrible stomach bug. Thankfully, I did not fully wake up enough to wake up Ryan or really freak out. I just layed there and said Hail Marys and prayed I wouldn't need to puke.

Then this morning I woke up with more abdominal pain, like it hurts to sit. It's so bad. And I can barely keep my head up and my legs feel like they're going to fall off. I haven't felt this out of it in many months, and this is coming from someone who feels out of it just about every day!

I shouldn't even be sitting here at the computer, but I wanted to ask for your prayers and for your advice. I called my doctor's office again today, and also told them about the pain when I left a message. Hopefully they'll call back soon.

Could it have anything to do with the hydrocortisone? I don't feel like it does. But if it's endometriosis, would it really return with this much vengeance out of the blue? I mean, I've had dull pain on my left side for several months, but nothing like this. The severity and the timing is just like the old pain I had for years before my surgery.

I've also had some other symptoms, even starting a couple days before the pain. I've been having lower back pain, but I attributed it to riding in the car. But that doesn't usually happen to me, unless I'm driving up north and have been in the car for like six hours.

I also have had a huge sensitivity to heat and cold the past few days. I am either super hot or freezing and can't get comfortable temperature-wise. I figured this was due, somehow, to hormones.

My period has also been funny. It was light on Sunday and, at the very most, could be called medium yesterday. So when I called my doctor's office, I also asked whether I should wait til tomorrow to start the Tamoxifen, since you need two full days.

I can't say that I'm not worried. I feel like something is wrong and I'm not sure what it is or what to do about it. Here I just started thinking that maybe endo returning wasn't my problem after all, and that I wouldn't need a third surgery. Maybe it's not endo, although I'm not sure what else it could be.

I somehow made it to adoration this morning (we had to switch to a new hour due to Ryan's work schedule changing) and I was pretty uncomfortable, but did feel peaceful while there. Now I will be spending the rest of the day on the couch, taking lots of advil and hoping I can find the heating pad.

My monthly slap in the face

It's cycle day one.

Whatever. Another month, another cycle. Another reminder that I'm barren.

Seriously, it's not good enough that we can't conceive and have to deal with this every waking second. No, we have to have a monthly slap in the face blatantly reminding us of what we already knew. Just in case you forgot for a split second...you're not pregnant and here is the proof. Hahaha!

I put in a call to my doctor's office today to see what he decided to do with me this cycle - double the dose of Tamoxifen like planned, or give me a trigger shot like I asked for (I haven't heard back yet). Would I still take the Tamoxifen if I do the shot? I understand so little about all of this.

I go back and forth on this. One second I'm all into figuring out what treatment I should do, and the next second I snap back into reality and remember that this is all fruitless. Why bother? Why on earth am I spending time trying to get a result that I know isn't going to happen?

I'm trying to be good. I'm trying to be patient. But, really, what I am being patient for? I'm not patiently awaiting a pregnancy. Oh no. That would be so easy compared to this. What I'm patiently awaiting is a future where I'll find out if I'll ever have a pregnancy. And that answer might not come for many, many years. I guess I'll know for sure when I hit menopause!

Ugh. I'm sick of being a broken record. Reading this must be getting old for all of you, too.

On a positive note, I wasn't exhausted today. Could be the hydrocortisone! I woke up right away this morning at 7:45 to take it, and I had gone to bed at 3 a.m. (we drove overnight to my in-laws)! I don't know if this was a good test though, because when you're out of your normal routine, you might not feel as tired or depressed as usual. So we'll see in the next few days.

Oh, and our car was an easy fix! Woo hoo! $250 is all (normally that would be a lot for us, but not compared to what we thought - it is worth fixing and saving the car). Thanks be to God!!

New meds and cycle update

I started taking my hydrocortisone today (two 5 mg tablets, taken before 8 a.m.) and, thanks be to God, it did not make me feel nauseous. I was worried it would, and if it did, there really isn't any other options other than natural licorice. Not only have I never liked licorice, but for some reason that just doesn't seem like it would have as much of an effect as the hydrocortisone. Maybe it would, but licorice being the final fix to my infertility just sounds funny!

Luckily, it looks like I won't ever have to try it. I also started taking the DHEA today as well. I love starting new medications. It just gives me a little tiny bit of hope.

Oh, and yesterday I happened to turn on the show Mys.tery Diag.nosis on Discove.ry Hea.lth and guess what - it was about a girl with adrenal fatigue! What are the chances? I think one of the other few episodes I've seen was about endometriosis. As I told my mom today, apparently all my health problems are worthy of a show that features lesser-known ailments that often go undiagnosed. Nice! Well, thankfully mine have been diagnosed.

Anyway, they described what it all means and it was very similar to the explanation I recently received (oddly enough, this girl's case of it was brought about when she had a head injury in a car accident and injured her pituitary). The doctor prescribed her "a hormone," as he called it (I'm assuming cortisone), and she took two pills each morning (the same as me!). Her parents talked about how they couldn't believe that two pills were going to solve all of her problems, but sure enough, after 48 hours, she said she had more energy than she'd had in the last five years. I'm so hoping I have that same success!

In cycle news, today is peak +12. I kind of feel like this cycle is ending. I'm expecting it to end either tomorrow or Tuesday. Luckily, I'll be at the beach tomorrow with Ryan's family to help get my mind off of it, and then Tuesday we're going to D.C. to see the Mets play the Nationals. Not that anything can really help me to deal with this, but at least being with other people cuts down on the time I have to openly cry and feel sorry for myself.

Speaking of that, lately Ryan is really trying hard to do things for me when I'm down. The loving, helpless husband that he is, he always wants to come up with fun stuff to do, and for that I am grateful, but the truth is that nothing can truly get my mind off of this. We've spent five years trying to fill the hole left by infertility, but nothing - not eating out, not taking walks, not shopping, not going to the movies - can truly fill it. And believe me, I love doing all of those things. For the first several years, I said yes when he suggested we do them because, to be completely honest, I think I wanted to take advantage of it. Who wants to turn down an excuse to do fun things? But lately I have been turning them down (although it is hard) because I feel like the longer I agree to do things to get my mind off of it, the more I am putting off truly dealing with the matter at hand.

But the problem is that I don't think I will ever truly deal with the matter at hand. When I refuse to do something that would be an attempt at getting my mind off of infertility, I just sit home and become more upset. I am not convinced that anything other than a pregnancy can make me feel better.

So do I continue to try to put a band-aid on it or sit home and sulk? After writing it out, doing something fun sounds like the much better option! I guess in my mind - in the heat of the moment while I'm having a breakdown - I feel like the suggestion to "get my mind off of it" is implying that simply renting a movie could somehow replace a baby. Obviously, I know that's not what my husband, or anyone else for that matter, is suggesting. I need to stop looking at it that way, and see it for what it is - a diversion being offered (by a very caring husband) to someone who is dealing with something very heavy and should be doing whatever she can to raise her spirits. After all, that should be part of my new treatment plan!

New stress

I'm really stressed out. And now that I am focusing on my adrenal fatigue, I am stressing about being stressed out!

My car has most likely died. As I was about two miles from home after my awesome day at the beach with GIMH and Amber, my car started sputtering. Then the check engine light started flashing. I've been told that flashing is really bad, so bad that the mechanic we called this morning said it should be towed from our house to their garage.

As with any dying car, this creates enormous problems. We can't afford to fix it. At all. We also can't afford a new car, if this one is dead. And our other car is my husband's truck, which is standard. I've tried to learn to drive it before to no avail and the thought of trying to learn again scares me to death. It brings tears to my eyes. But I'll have to suck it up and do it. Until that time, I will be stranded at home. As if I'm not stir crazy enough.

Anyways, because I have been told that fixing my adrenal fatigue might be the only thing standing between me and a pregnancy (might be), I am freaking out. Money problems and car trouble does not help to lower stress. And my stress is sky high right now, not just about all the implications of my car dying, but because stressing about this might be hurting my fertility. It's a vicious cycle!

It is impossible to live stress free, so what am I to do? My husband did just help a lot, by telling me we'll just deal with whatever happens. Honestly, his stress level affects me greatly, so to see him being relaxed about it (or at least pretending for my sake) seriously helps a lot.

I haven't even gotten my cortisol yet (or is it cortisone?). The pharmacy didn't have it until yesterday and then with the car trouble I couldn't go get it. So I'll start it tomorrow, bright and early at 8 a.m. Have I mentioned I wake up every day between 9 and 10? Because of Ryan's work schedule, we go to bed around 1 or 2, so this will be an adjustment. But I'll gladly do whatever it takes!

Tackling the next problem

Where to start...

Well, I had an another amazing doctor's appointment. Whenever I get worried that I'm not doing the right thing, God makes sure I know I'm on the right path.

First of all, we made it there on time. It took us 2 1/2 hours, but we had 15 minutes to spare. Thanks for your prayers!

I'm super tired so hopefully this makes sense.

My cortisol is low all day. Really low. The test tested it four times during the day and all times were "depressed." Here are the results:

6-8 a.m.: 6 (normal: 13-24 nM)
11-noon: less than 1 (normal: 5-10 nM)
4-5 p.m.: less than 1 (normal: 3-8 nM)
10-midnight: less than 1 (normal: 1-4 nM)

Cortisol burden: 9 (normal: 23-42)
Cortisol-DHEA correlaton: Zone 5 - Non-adapted, low reserves
Total Salivary SIgA: less than 5 (normal: 25-60)

That's not good! Did you see how under normal I am? Holy cow!

Apparently, and I'm no expert here, from what I understand, at one point my body was producing too much cortisol and it got addicted to it (this could have been many years ago) and kept producing more. Then, it crashed and now it doesn't produce enough.

Dr. B asked if I dealt with anything in high school, like an eating disorder, and sure enough, I did. He said it might have started around that time.

And - here's the big news - he thinks that this is currently causing my infertility.

We really haven't known why I wasn't getting pregnant. We thought we'd fixed everything. And even after I got my initial test results last week, I didn't know how much adrenal fatigue effected fertility, if at all. But it is all connected to hormones - your pituitary, estrogen, testosterone, progesterone, and so on, so obviously it can inhibit fertility.

So I asked him if I was just unlucky enough to get four separate causes of infertility (endometriosis, high prolactin, PCOS and now adrenal fatigue) and he said he tends to think the simpler answer is usually true, which, in my case, would be that I didn't separately get hit with four unrelated causes of infertility. He thinks they are probably all connected. Adrenal fatigue may have even led to the rest of it. Interesting.

He's going to have me take 25 mg of DHEA (which is over the counter. I'll take 12.5 mg of it twice a day) and 5 mg of cortisol twice a day. At least I think it's twice a day. I remember him saying that, and all I can tell from the prescription is that it says 5 mg.

He said that it's a delicate balance with cortisol because too much could negatively affect my fertility, which we definitely don't want! But the goal would be to find the right amount that will actually help. He also stressed that some people may think it sounds dangerous to take a steroid, but cortisol is seven times weaker than prednisone.

That being said, he thinks that fixing this could result in my restored fertility. At the very least, we can fix this and then do surgery, or fix this and then do injectables and/or surgery. He said it's definitely a process of layers and we're dealing with yet another layer.

Speaking of surgery, he said that Dr. L, who told me last week that she didn't think we should rush into a surgery right now, is actually an aggressive surgeon, meaning if she's telling me to hold off, she must really mean it. I'm fine with that. He said that the Holy Spirit is guiding me with this, and I really believe it. He said he didn't know about the adrenal stuff when he recommended surgery, and now he knows that we have to tackle this first.

It's interesting feeling to get this diagnosis from your doctor. Basically, my results confirm what I already know - that I am a mess. That I am a ball of nerves, that I'm depressed and that I'm fatigued. Even though I live it (and write about it here all the time), it's hard to see it on paper. Yet at the same time it's great to have a name put to it, and have some hope at treating it. But I still cried when he went over it with me. I'm not sure why, except that it's just weird seeing it there in black and white and having it confirmed for you how bad you feel. It's like I was suddenly completely transparent. Not that I cared for him to know that, if anything it was because I could see in his eyes and in his voice that he completely understood what I was going through. Completely.

He is a holy, holy man. Have I mentioned that before? It's like when we're in that appointment, I can feel the Holy Spirit present. I feel like I've had spiritual direction by the time I leave. And I have! I always go in to appointments with my guns blazing, with all these ideas and things I want to ask for, but when I'm there I feel overcome with God's presence and plan for me. Like today, the idea of going to an RE near me for injectables now seems ludicrous, at least for now. I need to treat this, first and foremost.

And I really need to give the glory to God for this new diagnosis. Two months ago, I started fervently praying that God would reveal what else, if anything, was wrong with me. After all, I knew something had to be. I wasn't conceiving and there didn't seem to be a reason for it. I was thinking that I might have that blood disorder, and when I thought about the billion and one other things that could be wrong with me, I totally stressed. I worried that it was like finding a needle in a haystack!

Well, I need to acknowledge now that God answered that prayer. A month later he led me to ask for an adrenal test (which hadn't really even been on my radar in the past, and my doctor wouldn't have tested if I hadn't asked) and then a month after that my results came back showing adrenal fatigue. Had I not found out about this, I could have had surgery, I could have done several cycles of injectables, and I most likely wouldn't have conceived.

Not to mention, I need this fixed for my overall health! I am barely a functioning member of society right now! Ryan pointed out how my story is such a good example of why the NaPro approach is truly the best way to go. If I wasn't Catholic and/or didn't follow the Church's teachings, I would have at least one baby from IVF right now. I would still have endometriosis, PCOS and I'd definitely have adrenal fatigue. I'd be a basketcase and probably have trouble taking care of the baby. I'd probably be super irritable and I'm sure my marriage would be suffering. I don't have the energy to clean my house now, when I'm not even employed. Could you imagine if I had a baby?

Just for fun, I also asked my doctor about doing injectables next cycle, since I'm not having surgery. Of course, he'd probably rather me focus on the problem at hand right now, but he knows I'm an infertile woman who has been waiting five years, so he said he'd ask the other doctor who prescribed me the increased Tamoxifen dose to see what she thought. He said he'd find out before my next cycle. I asked him about HCG in particular and while I thought he'd say that it wouldn't help me (I thought it only treated low progesterone) he said it treats a few problems, and it might help if my problem is that the timing of things at ovulation is off.

So we'll see. You'd think that the thought of treating something else like adrenal fatigue over the next several months would make me frustrated and angry, but, surprisingly, that's never my reaction. Even last year when he told me he wanted me to try for 6 to 9 months, I was okay with that. After five years, if a doctor tells you that you might conceive after several months, I'll take it. I'm not working in weeks here, I'm working in years. He did tell me that some people see results right away. Who knows, maybe we'll have to tweak the dosage, but I hope not.

Oh, and obviously, I didn't need to ask him about #7 from my list of questions. That's what the whole appointment was about. I think Ryan almost cried he was so happy we are dealing with this! He did remark that here we were going to ask him a question about it, as if it was unrelated, and now we are tackling it head on.

I feel good, like I always do after appointments with him. I'm relieved that my chronic fatigue, depression and anxiety have a name and that there's a treatment. I'm excited to feel "normal" again (or maybe for the first time!). I'm thankful God pointed me in this direction, and I'm thankful I live near Tep.eyac. He told me that most doctors would look at my results and discard them. Well, then, am I ever glad I go to him!

It's starting to become clearer that God is healing me, slowly, but surely. It seems like his plan is to peel away at all the various layers over many years. I don't know if the end result will be pregnancy, but I know I'll be healthier.

So I feel rejuvenated and I am gearing up for the next battle. I took on endometriosis and PCOS and won, so adrenal fatigue better just give up now, because I have a pretty good track record!

Questions

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to go over my adrenal test results. We'll talk about that, but, of course, we'll also talk about everything else as well.

My appointment is at 8:30 a.m. and that will require us to drive north on I-95 during rush hour in Northern Virginia. I know, it's nuts. We're leaving at 5:30, which will leave twice as much time as it normally takes to get there, but we'll still need prayers. I'm just hoping it goes smoothly.

So I am using this post to come up with questions for him, because I always do better when I have prepared questions. I am forcing myself do this because I really do think all of this is silly. A big waste of time. But here goes...

1) What were my adrenal results and what can I do, if anything, to fix them? What about cortisone?

2) What does he think about the other doctor saying I don't need surgery right away?

3) I didn't have left-side pain (the reason we started considering surgery) this month, except around peak day. What could that mean? Could the Tamoxifen have been aggravating something? (But it did hurt prior to starting Tamoxifen last fall)

4) If we are going to wait a couple months for surgery, can I just schedule it now?

5) What about injectables?

6) What are his thoughts on me seeing an RE to do a couple rounds of injectables with close monitoring? (I am more than 1 1/2 hours from his office, so even if he did want to monitor my cycle, it wouldn't make sense logistically)

7) What is wrong with me?

8) Is there anything he recommends for the depression?

9) This might sound random, but I have new hair growth around my hair line, mainly by my temples, where I previously had a receded hair line (it wasn't really receding, my permanent hair line has always looked this way). Does this mean anything? (I just noticed this recently.. I have TONS of new, short, wavy hair! I think it might even make my hair line less weird looking! I know hair growth means something, so I want to know what)

10) To continue with random questions, I constantly have the feeling of fluid in my left ear. Does this mean anything? (I've read it could have something to do with thyroid)

So that's it. I'm torn because I really feel like this is pointless. I just don't know how much longer I continue to pretend that a doctor is going to somehow miraculously fix me. I used to love doctors appointments. Now I dread them because I go despite what I know in my heart.

I am asking #8 for my husband's sake. I know there is no answer. Well, there is, but it apparently is not part of the plan for us.

When I was laying out today (I know it's not good for you, but I feel like at least the sunlight may help my depression), I tried to think what my image of God was like right now. I decided that to me, he isn't that loving Father I always hear about, but rather he is like that teacher or boss who, no matter how hard I try, just doesn't like me. He likes everyone else, but gives me a hard time and, despite my best efforts, I can't seem to change his mind. I've had coaches, managers, bosses like that in the past. Haha.. maybe it's me!

I know that is a very sad image. I know that is not how we're supposed to think of God, but I am just being honest.

I am begging for his grace. Even though it feels as if he has completely and utterly abandoned me, I still hold out hope that one day he will remember me and help me find a way to deal with this sorrow. That is all I can hope for at this point - that some day it won't hurt as much.

I need to end this post because everything I write I end up erasing. If I just wrote from my heart you'd all have me committed.

Forgotten

Just returned from adoration and I have no idea what to do with myself. I need your prayers.

I am having trouble with prayer and faith in general. My mind is telling me I need to stick with God, despite how much I feel forgotten and abandoned by him, but it's just so hard.

I'm struggling with those age-old questions we all have asked: Why would God not want me to be a mother? Why does he give babies to people who will murder them and not me? Why, if he doesn't want me to be a mother despite my desire, does he not give me the grace of peace? Why does he not allow me to feel his presence, despite my constant begging? If he has some other purpose or plan for me, then what is it and why hasn't he revealed it after so many years?

No one has ever given me an answer to these questions that satisfies me and right now the idea that I will be rewarded in eternity doesn't cut it. Separately it is true, but it's not an answer to those questions. And I've also been told that it's original sin and/or free will that's to blame. That also doesn't do it for me because God is all powerful and can still heal me. He is ultimately in control.

My prayer time is also chaotic lately, which doesn't help. It's basically me just trying to talk really quickly, getting all my intentions in and feeling very stressed about forgetting things, and also wanting to not be doing it. I dread praying and just want it to be over with as soon as I start (and when I say "prayer time" that probably gives the impression that it's some long period of time, but it's not. Lately I pray for maybe three minutes a day).

But you know what? Even during my most spiritual times over the last five years I still felt abandoned.

I am so frustrated lately that I have pent up aggression. I secretly feel like I want to trash my house. Like maybe take a hammer to things. Don't worry - I won't!! That must mean something though... Increased testosterone perhaps?

It's peak +7 and I'm not usually this low on peak+ 7. That can't be good, but what else is new?

Antsy

So I am on cycle day 19 and it's peak +3. I definitely felt a hormonal shift yesterday. I became extremely antsy, bored and just generally agitated. Not to mention totally hungry. Well, not really hungry as much as I just want to keep eating all day long.

Oh, I've eaten so much the last two days. And when I'm not eating, I'm thinking about eating. And staring at the clock, hoping time goes quickly so I can eat again. I found a new multigrain cereal I can have and I think I'm eating three to four bowls a day. It's not low carb if you eat that much!!

Don't get me wrong, I love food and always love eating, but usually when I'm home alone I don't have to lock the cupboards. I can even go for hours (probably too many) after waking up before I feel like eating. So this is definitely different for me.

I think the eating is a result of the boredom. And, wow, am I ever thankful that I'm not always bored like this. It's horrible. I sometimes read posts from some of you stay-at-home wives where you complain about being bored and I always think, "I have no idea what they're talking about! I love having nothing to do!" Well, that has all changed this week. And nothing is different. It's not like I was busy before and now I'm not. I just suddenly have become super bored and I am going out of my mind. And, for what it's worth, I'm also unable to get comfortable. I hate that.

My antsyness the last two days has also led me to obsessively check blogs, face.book, and email, one right after another, over and over and over (with peo.ple.com and tm.z thrown in there once in a while for good measure). I find myself wondering why no one is updating anything. Don't you people at work have time to waste? Update your status for goodness sakes! Now you know why I limited my internet time during Lent.

Seriously though, I think my obsession with checking things online is due to my desire to have human interaction. It's lonely being home all alone for so many hours, especially when your dog wants nothing to do with you. Not to mention when you're already depressed and trying not to focus on what's missing from your life. I get so excited to see an email in my inbox that it's really pathetic.

Speaking of Sophie, I kind of made a bad decision regarding her grooming. We don't really have the money to have her professionally groomed at the moment, yet her hair is getting long and matted. Really matted, and it's very difficult to find ticks on her (which I'm nervous are there because I found one recently). So what did I do? I decided to try to do it myself. With scissors. Bad, bad decision:


I'm such a bad mother! I cut around her face, ears and neck and, let me tell you, it was a struggle. The poor, poor thing. I couldn't even walk her today because it's just too embarrassing. For her and for me.

It took me two days to do this damage, so to finish it would probably take several more, not to mention I'm sure I'd get bitten in the process. My house if full of dog hair and Sophie hates me. I don't want to be the bad guy.

So I guess our only choice is to bite the bullet and get her groomed (although I'm making Ryan take her because I'm too embarrassed!) and it looks like the old credit card will be put to use. Either that or we'll just have to eat less this pay period. And it doesn't look like that's happening!

Beautiful

My sister and her husband did something extremely thoughtful during the prayer of the faithful at their wedding. Watch for yourself:

Can you believe that?

I started tearing up during the pro-life one, the first one in this clip, but then I lost it during the one about infertility. It just hit me immediately - that they would think to include a prayer intention about infertility and that everyone there was praying for us. Since the wedding party was standing up on the altar during the wedding, I knew all eyes - or at least those belonging to family and friends who know of our struggle - were probably on me, so I turned my head away from the congregation as I cried.

I later found out that Ryan also started crying from behind the camera as he was shooting video of the wedding, and so did his mother and probably many others. My dad even told me he teared up.

And, for days following, I started crying at just the mere thought of it. We were just so touched by their thoughtfulness.

Here's another clip of the happy couple walking down the aisle after the Mass, to one of my (and obviously my sister's) favorite songs:

Not what I expected

So surgery is off the table right now. Or at least postponed for a couple months.

I was very surprised by this. Quite shocked, actually.

Yesterday, at my appointment, Dr. L looked at my pictures of my pelvic region taken during my first surgery (which was just diagnostic, so they were "before" pictures) and thought it didn't look all that bad. While my ovaries were enlarged due to big endometriomas, she thought the amount of endo everywhere else was small and mainly superficial and the cul de sac didn't have any endo on it, which was good (umm.. I was very surprised by all of this since I've been thinking for the last two years that my abdomen was ravaged by endometriosis. Dr. Hi.lgers definitely led me to believe it was pretty bad. Heck, I needed an open surgery!). Then she asked what dose of Tamoxifen I'd been taking and apparently it was a pretty low dose, so she wrote me a prescription for 40 mgs and said she wanted me to take that for two months and then if I wasn't pregnant, we'd look more into a surgery.

WHAT?! I was so surprised as she left the office to write the prescription that I didn't know what to say. Ryan asked more questions when she returned, but nothing she said helped me to understand any more. I just got the feeling that she wanted to take a conservative approach because surgery is always a risk.

I'm still not quite sure how I feel about this. I was all prepared for a surgery. Not that I wanted to have surgery, but I had accepted that it was a necessary evil, and even more, it might have been the answer I'd been searching for. I was expecting to leave her office with a surgery date and my parents were making plans to come down to visit as I recovered.

And let's not forget that I have pain on my left side, near where my ovary probably is, and right now there is no known reason for it. The pain is nothing like my endo pain prior to my surgery. And it happens at very different times than the endo pain did. I could possibly have an endometrioma again on the left ovary (that was the really bad ovary, which was five times the normal size due to an endometrioma), but Dr. L said that would have shown up in the ultrasound I had last month.

I just believe all of that points to one possibility - adhesions. And if they are there, then I'd like to attempt to have them removed.

I mean, clearly something is keeping me from conceiving.

Two more rounds of Tamoxifen, just basically to rule out the effectiveness of a higher dose, seems like a lot more waiting when all I've done is wait for the past five years. I guess two months isn't a long time though, in the whole scheme of things.

Honestly, I'd probably be more upset about this if it weren't for the fact that I have an appointment with Dr. B next Thursday to discuss my low adrenal levels. At least I will be able to discuss this with him and get his opinion on putting off surgery. After all, he was the one who suggested it.

Oh, and Dr. L also suggested having an HSG done in the meantime just to make sure my tubes are okay. I dread having that done outside of surgery again, but one thing about that procedure actually piqued my interest, and that was when she said it might also let her see if things were moving freely in there. I guess that would at least give us some idea of whether there are adhesions.

I also asked her about my low adrenal test results - just to get more information of course! - and she looked at the test results and said they were depressed all day. She didn't really have much to say about that and when I asked if that could be affecting my fertility she wasn't really sure. But at least I found out more details. And GIMH did me a favor yesterday and asked Dr. B about low adrenals (isn't she sweet?) and he told her that there isn't really anything you can do for it. Of course, I know from many of you that there are treatments, but I'm assuming he doesn't believe they are really effective. I am going to ask him about treating it next week, so any information any of you can give me on treatment plans ahead of time would be greatly appreciated.

In cycle news, I think I am on day 16. As far as I know at this point, yesterday was most likely my peak day. This has actually been my most normal cycle in basically forever, so I guess that is good. For the first time in years I didn't go straight from red stickers to white stickers. I actually had some green stickers in there! Not sure what that means, if anything, but all I know is it looks more textbook, that's for sure.

And although I'm on no Tamoxifen or B6, I still had normal mucus. The quality became increasingly more peak-like over a span of five or six days, and then on both days 14 and 15 I saw 10KL x2.

When I told Dr. L this she was not surprised. She said it happens sometimes that women have their best cycles after discontinuing medication or just taking a break, since the medication has built up in your system and is still having an effect on you.

Well I guess I'll just look forward to my appointment a week from tomorrow and hopefully I'll have more of a plan in place after that. It's just so frustrating - we've been trying for nearly five years, tackled multiple problems, and we're still no closer to a pregnancy than when we started. Such is the life of an infertile woman, I guess.

Adrenal test results

My adrenal test results from the saliva test are in and they are apparently low. But that is all I know, which is driving me nuts!

Last Thursday my doctor's office called and left a message saying that my test results were in and that they'd call back after the long weekend, on Monday. I thought that was a little odd at the time, since I usually have to call and bug them for test results. But, because of the wedding, I put it out of my mind all weekend.

Well, today they called me again and the nurse said my adrenal test results were in and that my levels were low, and my doctor wanted me to come in to discuss this. I already had an appointment for this so I didn't need to schedule one. But it's not until July 17, so, of course, I wanted more information before that. I asked if she could give me any of the numbers and she did give me something (but let me preface this by saying she did not really put this in context whatsoever) - she told me my level was 6 and the normal range was 12 to 25.

She didn't specify which result that was for (the saliva test tested my levels four times in one day) and couldn't give me any other information. She said I had to discuss the rest with my doctor.

Does anyone have any insight into what that may mean? I have googled it all afternoon and apparently there isn't much information out there. Well, a lot of results pop up, but nothing has been able to help me at all. Nothing talks about specific results, what is considered normal, or how low is very low.

My result does sound pretty low. Six...when the normal range is 12 to 25? I don't know. I'm not worried though. Actually, I like that something has shown up as being wrong that we can, hopefully, treat. It's kind of like proof that I'm not just lazy! I have an actual reason for feeling fatigued, dizzy, and just generally out of it. I insisted on being tested for this and, thankfully, my doctor listens to his patients and agreed to do it.

Then I think about how SO many things are wrong with me! What is with that? Endometriosis, high prolactin, PCOS, hypothyroid, and now low adrenal function (or whatever it's called...I don't even know!). Obviously, they must be connected, unless I am the unluckiest person when it comes to problems that can cause infertility!

I would love to hear what you think about this. Does this result mean anything to anyone? My appointment is so far away and I hate not knowing, so I'd appreciate any advice you can give me!

Wedding pics!

We had a wonderful wedding weekend and we are just resting today after non-stop excitement since Thursday! My sister's wedding was so much fun and I'm so happy for her and her new husband, Joe! Here are some pics:

First look at the beautiful bride after she was all finished getting ready. She looked amazing and her dress was gorgeous!

My sister, my mom and me.

The wedding party.

The whole family... from left, my dad, mom, grandfather, my new brother-in-law, my sister, my other sister, me and Ryan.

Me and Ryan with his parents, who made the trip up all the way from NC!

I changed out of my dress when the party moved to a bar downstairs.

It was a great day and the Mass was beautiful. The reception was so much fun and everyone had an amazing time. I also LOVED our dresses, flowers and the way the hairdresser did my hair! I love being in weddings!!

Wedding weekend

We're leaving in a few minutes to head up north for my sister's wedding. We'll be back next Tuesday, and on the way home we'll be stopping at my doctor's office for my surgical consultation appointment.

If I get a chance, I'll post between now and then (hopefully I'll have lots of pictures!) but if not, have a happy July 4th!