Going nuts

I had a mini-breakdown tonight. I'm just scared that something else is really wrong, and I don't know enough about all of this to calm myself down. I'm hoping I can blame my craziness on the ovulation drug. Didn't some of you say that can happen?

I keep googling terms, looking for something, anything, to shed light on my temp rising four days before my peak mucus day. So far, all I've found is that maybe it's caused by too much estrogen, or not enough progesterone. I don't know, honestly! It's all over my head. I shouldn't read that stuff. I should turn my computer off!

I just can't imagine why I was starting to have somewhat normal cycles and then I take Tamoxifen and things get wacky again. And I know Creighton doesn't like us to chart our temps, but millions of women chart that way every day, so it can't be totally wrong. One method (bbt) would say I ovulated on or before Thursday, while the other method (Creighton) says I may be ovulating today or may ovulate in the future. I just don't understand how there could be that much discrepancy between the two. One has to be wrong. Either something caused my temp to rise early prior to ovulation, or something is causing me to produce mucus after ovulation.

I am sad tonight and I have cried, and it doesn't help that I am all alone, with lots of time to think. But, despite my sadness, I am still trusting God. I think where I am going wrong , though, is that I am allowing the questions and the confusion to overwhelm me. I can't stop worrying about it, and that is not of God. I am going to pray now, before I go to sleep, and try to come to terms with that.

I will be handing in the remaining parts of my home study tomorrow (Monday). I don't know if that will bring with it more happiness or more sadness. I'll let you know tomorrow.

Adoration and medication

I just came from adoration. I have never been more confident that I am supposed to spend this time of waiting suffering gracefully, and graciously, and absorbing everything that God wants me to learn. I want to give myself over to him completely and for him to allow us to follow only his path, whatever that may be. I told the Lord tonight that although I fail miserably at this every day, to have mercy on me and I will continue to do my best.

But, seriously, I am pathetic. Do you know how long it's been since I prayed a Rosary? And I choose the computer or television over prayer every day. But then, when I need him, I turn to God, begging him to deliver me from my suffering. When it's convenient for me, I pray for myself and maybe throw in some prayers for all of you and anything else that crosses my mind. What is wrong with me? I need to overhaul things in a big way.

I dreamed I was pregnant last night. I'd never done that before. I've dreamed of babies, which may or may not have been mine, but never of being pregnant. In my dream it was very early on, and although I'd like to say it had the potential to be realistic, it did not. I was seeing my doctor (not my real doctor) in what looked like a college dorm room. The only thing I remember is I was sitting on a bed with a friend next to me and the "doctor" told me I was one and a half centimeters dilated. What!? I wasn't even showing yet! I looked around and there were women sitting on the other side of the bed, waiting for their appointments. It was very weird. I remember being very happy, though!

Today I took my last dose of Tamoxifen. I don't think I had any side effects, but I did have some heartburn the last two days and I got nauseous briefly tonight. I also had some pain on my left side near my ovary last night, and it was bad enough to take advil, which I hardly ever do (because I like to be completely aware of the pain). I had more pain there tonight, around the same time, but it wasn't nearly as bad and I didn't take anything this time. 

I've also been meaning to ask, does anyone know how I could get some more charts? I ran out, and I asked my instructor for more, but she's really busy and so I don't want to bother her again. I could make my own, which I will probably do, but I really wanted more Creighton ones. If anyone has any suggestions, like if I can buy them somewhere, please let me know.

Speaking of charting, today is cycle day seven. My chart looks like this so far:
1-L
2-H
3-M
4-VL 0AD
5-VL 0AD
6-0AD
7-VL 8B x2 (I'm not sure this is charted correctly)

I figure the spotting is due to the Tamoxifen and so I'm not concerned. I am excited for this cycle and if it is not THE cycle, then I will do my best to stay positive. Lord, have mercy on me!