Hanging in there

I am really trying to be good. The old me would be depressed right now, but the new, positive me is just going with the flow. I am trusting in the Lord and I am trying to see the big picture. This isn't a month-by-month thing, as much as it seems like it is to us. God is going to give us a baby, we just need to trust him and look to the future.

I am doing well, though. I do feel the inclination to be sad about our possibly missed opportunity this cycle, but it's kind of just like a bad habit, if you know what I mean. I am used to being sad about these things, so my mind easily falls into that mode of thinking. My mind wants to go there, and it tries to, but I'm finding that my heart just isn't sad, so I don't give into it. The few times I have complained (one of those was to my husband late last night when he had to get up early to leave for his inauguration trip...sorry!), I thought I wanted to cry and moan about it, but I didn't really need to, which surprised me.

These are all good signs, and I am thankful to God that he is helping me to stay positive. It is truly an answer to prayer.

I am probably also overreacting a little bit, because it's not going to be a total waste (unless I see more mucus today, which I haven't yet, thankfully). If yesterday was my peak day, then we made use of that day and the several days leading up to it.

I also feel fine, so far, about being alone. I usually get lonely very easily, but I'm just going to relax and do fun things to lift my spirits - like getting Chinese food tonight (making my own Bas.mati rice, of course!) and I'm already planning to get my favorite sugar-free sundae on Tuesday, the dreaded inauguration day. I told Ryan that I am treating that day like day one of my cycle, and already planning how I will drown my sorrows!

Seriously, though, I am in awe that God has provided me with this positive attitude and that it is still sticking around, despite recent developments that would have had me wallowing in sadness even just one month ago. I even pictured a positive pregnancy test during the consecration this morning, and really tried to focus on it. I am really trying to make it become something that I can truly imagine for myself. It may not be this month, but it will happen one day. And, thankfully, I have an opportunity to revamp my attitude in the meantime.

Update: Why is it that every time I post lately, things change about twenty minutes later?

I just saw more mucus. It was 10C. I don't know what that means, how to chart it (is it the peak so far, or are we in yellow stamp territory now?) or what it says about my current physical state. My temp rises on Thursday and I still have mucus on Sunday. Something isn't right there.

This also means that if I haven't ovulated yet, then we definitely missed our chance this cycle. Kind of makes me think about taking those drugs and the pain it brought me earlier in the cycle and how that was all for nothing. Oh well. We couldn't have known then how the days would play out. And I still would have taken it, even if I remembered at the time that he was going out of town. I never would have not taken the risk.

I am still going to try to hang in there, focus on the Lord, and not get down. I can do this!