I just want this cycle to end. I feel like it's mocking me because for some reason - despite that fact that I am diseased and have bad ovaries - I am ludicrous enough to actually think I have a shred of hope right now. I can't even believe I just typed that, but I wanted to be honest.
I hate feeling like this. The protective side of me is screaming, "NO! Don't fall for it! You are infertile! And it will hurt even more this way!" So if it's going to end, just end already.
I seriously have only had hope one other time in the past two years and, of course, that time was a big flop. It's humiliating, isn't it? Something about it is humiliating. I guess that means I have pride, and perhaps God is trying to highlight one of the areas in which I need to 'die to self'. I think I might have asked him to do that very thing a while ago. Hmmm.
I thought it might end today when I woke up and my bbt was down to 97.9. Oh, but don't worry! Psycho me took it three times until finally, after trying to go back to sleep for 15 minutes, it went up to 98.1, putting me back in the safe zone (albeit somewhat manipulated). I am having more pain and cramping today. It's not too bad, but it is now on both sides. Also, I haven't seen any more spotting, for what that's worth.
I'm only ten days post peak today, and lately I've been typically having an eleven day luteal phase, which would mean I have today and tomorrow left to wait. So I guess this is all premature. I just need to get through the next couple days, go to my doctor's appointment on Monday, and then go out to eat once the cycle has officially ended.
I've gone through it roughly 49 times already. I should be prepared by now.
With all this on my mind, I'm having a hard time seeing the women go into and out of the abortion clinic. Just knowing they're pregnant. I feel just like I would if I was at a big, happy baby shower, yet this mother is going to likely kill her baby. So it's that jealousy mixed with disgust over the woman killing what I long for most in the world. I think it's taking a toll on me. I'm not going to go tomorrow, and just take a day off.
Right now I'm antsy. I was looking forward to resting today but now I'm just bored. God, please give me patience.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Antsy
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Weird--I'm at P+13 today, and I've been having 12- or 13-day luteal phases, so I'm basically right there with you! My temperature was 97.9 today, too, which I think is just annoying. If it was a little bit higher, I'd know I was OK for the day, if it was a little bit lower, I'd know to expect my period . . . but, no, it just hangs out in the middle!
ReplyDeleteOh how I know this feeling. Basically it is unavoidable this time in your cycle. I am the world's worst at getting my hopes up (meaning, I do it too much).
ReplyDeleteBut I have been praying so much for everyone, I have my hopes up, too!
It never ceases to amaze me how many times I read a blog entry that I could have written myself!! I have been feeling the same thing for the past couple of days. Ever since take Letrozole/Femara my cycle has lengthened by a couple of days - which is good news because my cycle had been too short (23-25 days.) Anyways, as you can imagine it makes me feel this "false hope" for a couple of extra days because I'm not used to my cycle being this long (26-28 days.) It also doesn't help that my doctor was very hopeful for me last time since it was confirmed that my body had responded to the drug and my hormone levels had changed. Even though we decided I would have the laparoscopy next month he kept saying, "maybe you won't end up having it at all!" Well, for whatever it's worth I woke up this morning to learn it is now back to Day 1. So now I'm back to obsessing over my next appointment and surgery...
ReplyDeleteAYWH - I will pray for a little extra grace for you today as you wait for your appointment on Monday. The one gift I have found through this IF journey is that it sure brings me to my knees a lot more...
(((((((((()))))))))))
ReplyDeleteHang in there, take a day off and pamper your self. Maybe a message or a mani/pedicure, or a hair cut. We are all here for you!
ReplyDelete