What a day

Is anyone else sickened by all this media coverage? Not that I am watching any, because I sure as heck am not. But the few seconds I have caught have been embarrassing. They have all lost their minds. I turned to NBC for three seconds this afternoon only to hear Brian Williams imply that he cried during the speech. WHAT? I don't care if every single man, woman and child in America cried during that speech, a journalist should NEVER say that!

These journalists are gushing and it is embarrassing and unethical (except for my husband, of course. He's the only one who didn't have a huge smile on his face). That is not their job. Go home and watch it on DVR after your shift and cry all you want in the privacy of your own home. Just don't do it while wearing your journalist hat.

I could go on and on, but for the sake of my sanity, I won't.

In cycle news, I talked with my Creighton practitioner last night and she helped me clear everything up. I love talking with her! It's like talking with my doctor. They're so positive and calm me right down.

She thinks my peak day was Saturday, based on yellow stamp instructions. So that means my temp rise came one day before my peak day this cycle, which I'm pretty sure is good news.

Speaking of temp rises, I looked through my past three or four months of charts and discovered that has never happened before - my temp always rises after my peak day. So I'm taking that as a good sign! It's something different, at least, and different is good.

Well I'm off to adoration. I don't like going by myself at night, but like the woman in charge of the adoration chapel I went to in New York always said, our angels are protecting us. I will be praying for all of you! And for all the unborn babies, for those who get abortions, perform abortions, fight for abortion, promote abortion and legislate abortion. And for our president, that he may have a conversion and that his heart may be softened. God has performed bigger miracles than that...It could happen.

What I learned today

I'm really thankful for how peaceful I feel today. It's been such a physically and emotionally draining week that it's hard to believe it's only Wednesday.

At the start of the week, my husband and I knew we had three things that would take place in the coming days that would either bring very good or bad news. One involved my cycle, one involved the election, and one involved my husband's career. We discussed the likelihood of any of the three going in our favor and we excitedly discussed the possibilities, but knew in the end that the odds were none would. I knew it'd be a tough week. Add to that my stomach issues, and I was looking ahead to the weekend.

Well, we're officially oh-for-three (the career one wasn't bad, it just wasn't great). Despite that, though, I really feel God's presence today.

Last night, right after the election was called, it was as if a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I don't know why, or if it was just a coincidence (my advil was setting in and relieving a bad headache around that same time, so I'm guessing it was that), but I've felt better ever since. My stomach is even better today.

I'm so thankful for this, because I thought I'd feel worse in the aftermath of an Obama win, but I think you quickly realize life goes on. I'm still here, I'm still breathing, the world did not end.

It actually got me thinking (and here is where I compare yet another random thing to infertility) - is this how it would feel to find out beyond a shadow of a doubt I'd never conceive? Would this horrible news I've spent four years dreading actually leave me feeling a bit relieved? Would I realize I'm still alive, I'm still breathing, the world did not end?

I'm not sure, but I've heard others describe something like that. We'd move on. We'd adopt, hopefully many children. No worries about whether I'd get pregnant during the adoption process. No worries about whether adoption was right for us.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy where God has me. I'm thrilled! I am thankful that there is hope - a great deal of hope, in fact. But the fear of that dreaded news is still out there or, worse yet, that a formal announcement will never come and the years will just tick by until I reach menopause and realize our hope has ended.

I believe that God doesn't want us to fear this or anything (be not afraid!) and so perhaps the seed has been planted for me to work through this anxiety. The stress over not knowing often permeates my life and drives me nuts at times. If I can be confident that I'll be okay if that news were to come, then I think I'll feel better in the here and now as well. If I know I will live, and possibly even have a sense of peace, then I can hopefully have peace with it now.

It's something to work on, at least.

So for now I'll get my new cycle "reward" of chicken tenders, I'll enjoy my husband's next two days off, and we'll look ahead to this next cycle - our only second cycle of even having a chance. And I'll try not to worry about bad news that my come in the future, because I know I'll live even if it does occur. And to think this entire thought process began due to Obama's win. See, some good has already come out of the bad!

Day one

Yes, it's officially cycle day one. It happened this morning just as we were leaving to go vote (an omen, perhaps?). Sorry I didn't post until now, but (and I'm sure you can relate to this) at first I was secretly holding out hope that it was just some sort of early pregnancy spotting (and here I thought I was incapable of hope!).

I'm honestly doing okay. I already had my break-down on Sunday, so that's out of my system.

I should have known it was coming yesterday when I started tearing up at commercials; that's always a sure sign (seriously, though, have you seen the new promos on TLC for John & Kate Plus 8, Little People Big World and 17 Kids & Counting? Who could blame me?)

I'm still sick, though, with my stomach still making very loud noises and doing all sorts of weird stuff. It's like there's an alien in there at times! I'm also having cramps. It's not bad enough to do anything about it, but it's constantly there. I'm just not sure what's going on. And eating just seems to make it worse, although I do have hunger once in a while.

Of course, I looked up my symptoms and diagnosed myself with all sorts of horrible ailments. Then I called and told my mother what I had, and she talked me down. She still thinks it was the stomach bug (which it definitely was) followed by pms and hormone changes, mixed in with some of the stomach issues still lingering.

Like I've been saying the past few days, I am truly happy that my cycle is so improved. For this I am so grateful, and there's every reason to believe it will only get better.

So, for my own sake, I just wanted to make a quick list of things I'm thankful for, all of which I need to focus on more:

• My cycle is so much better than it was just a few months ago and it keeps getting better each month

• I had only one day of spotting this cycle (on day seven, tail-end brown bleeding) and NONE at the end

• My luteal phase was 12 days, up from eleven the past three cycles

• My diet is still going strong. I've lost 37.2 pounds, and I'm now fitting into sizes 2 and 4. And to think just last spring I was wearing 12 and 14's! I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging about this, it's just that at a time when it seems like everything is going wrong in my life, I need to remind myself how thankful to God I should be for this. It's easy to take my new size for granted, and it's easy to get annoyed with my diet. But, in the end, this is an enormous blessing that was only accomplished by the grace of God and it's something I should thank him for each and every day
  

• I have a wonderful, supportive husband who loves me and wants nothing more than to take care of me

• We have begun the adoption process and while there are still times where I am unsure about this step, we are leaving it in God's hands and I am confident he will not lead us astray

So there. Not bad, right? Tomorrow I'm going to post a picture of my chart, so all of you can tell me how great it looks. Just kidding, but I will gladly welcome your opinion!

Oh, and because I can't not comment on this sad, sad election, I will just say that I have no idea how I will live in a country run by this socialist, pro-choice man. But I will live. We all will. Just like we've all learned with infertility, bad things often happen despite good efforts and lots of prayer. We can question why God would allow things like this to occur, but it won't do us any good. Once again, it's all about trust and patience. Trust that God is still in control and that he has our best interest in mind. Patience that this too shall pass (even if that means four to eight years from now. Let's just concentrate on four) and the patience to wait for the day when Roe v. Wade will be overturned.

The reality is we live in a morally bankrupt society that has been long infiltrated by the culture of death. There is still good out there, and it is up to us to hold our ground and not give in to what is undeniably a powerful and evil force at work. We need to pray for those who have been taken in by this, who support the killing of innocent babies, and who are so intimidated by the Church that they seek to destroy it. Remember, they are God's children too, and their souls are also at stake.

Okay, that's enough for now on this. I need to go back to my comfortable state of denial. I just also think it's fitting that I have the extra bonus of forever remembering this horrible day as also being a cycle day one. Not my favorite Tuesday ever.

Ramblings

I'm bored. And I'm in a weird mood, so I will warn you this post might seem cranky and kind of stream-of-consciousness.

First of all, is it just me, or is no one updating their blogs any more? Ever since I put that new fancy blog list on the side of my blog, with the titles of the most recent posts on all of your blogs, it seems like they never change. It's like watching water boil! I'm a little obsessed, so if you care about me at all, please, PLEASE, update your blogs. Not that you're busy or anything. That's no excuse.

The debate just started. Why bother? Obama's people will say he won, McCain's people will say he won, and the liberal media will say Obama won. And honestly, I hate debating. I hate it in real life and I hate it in politics. I don't like conflict of any kind and I don't like the idea of listening to Obama for half of the time tonight. I guess I'll be doing a lot of yelling at my T.V. I'm flipping back and forth from the Mets game, so I'll DEFINITELY be yelling a lot at my T.V. If I was a drinker, I think I'd play a drinking game where you have to drink every time Obama says "uh." I'm pretty sure I'd end the night pretty wasted.

So my spotting yesterday happened one time only. I haven't seen any since yesterday afternoon. Today I had some cramping, nausea, and light-headedness.

On another topic (I told you this would be all over the place), I'm wondering if my cranky mood has been due to thinking about abortion a lot over the past few days. Praying in front of an abortion clinic kind of depresses me, to be honest. It forces me to think about this evil in a real, tangible way. It makes me so darn mad at the doctors and nurses inside. I also pray for them and really try to love them, but I can still be mad at them. And while I also pray and love the women going inside, as an infertile woman I'm mad at them too. And to be honest, I haven't even actually laid eyes on anyone there. A friend of mine has, since she goes early in the morning when the abortions are done, and I think I'm going to join her during her shift next week. I want to see them and be forced to confront it. I'm not sure how I'll react. I know I'll be nervous but hopefully sooner or later I'll get the chance to offer kind words to someone going inside or even pray with one of them. I'll keep you updated.

Back to the debate now, for an update: In my opinion, I think McCain is doing great so far. Sure, I am blogging and only half-listening, but McCain just seems so confident.

So we have an infertility support group meeting tomorrow morning. If you get a chance, please pray for us and for its success. We may actually get some people to attend tomorrow, so hopefully the group can really begin to grow. It's just so important to spread the message of the Church's beautiful teachings on assisted reproductive technologies, and I'm so thankful this group gives us a way to do it.

Speaking of the Church's teachings, I somehow came across a blog tonight that talked about how horrible the Catholic Church's teachings on IVF are. It fired me up. It was an old post and the many, many comments were full of bickering, although mainly they were just anti-Catholic rants. The Church is just so misunderstood on this topic. If people really took the time to investigate why IVF is not allowed, I think some of them (not all) might at least understand why the Church would take this stance; they might not agree with it, but they hopefully would see that it is rooted in a belief in preserving life (which begins at fertilization) and the sacredness of the marriage union. The teaching is not there to make us miserable, or because the Church thinks science is evil, or because it believes children conceived through IVF are abominations (this misconception comes up a lot). Quite the contrary! The Church cares deeply about all the lives created through IVF, so much so that the embryo's right to life is the precise reason (or one of the reasons) it has deemed IVF illicit.

I'll get off my soapbox now.

Alright, I guess I'll go watch the debate. You know how the cable networks have those audience reaction meters? If you hooked me up to a blood pressure machine while I watched, it would look similar. It'd be off the charts whenever Obama speaks. I know, I need to relax.

Brilliant

I laughed, I cried, I clapped, I cheered. Could I love Sarah Palin any more than I already do? She was simply amazing.

That is a real gift what she has. She was poised, smart, witty, warm, tough, and just plain awesome.

I know it didn't matter what she did, the liberal media was going to hate it. So far from what I've watched and read they are calling her mean, sarcastic and in the most UNREAL criticism of the century - "her speech was good, but she didn't write it". WHAT???? No politican writes their speeches! EVER! Amazingly, we just turned to CNN and they were discussing (the reporters, of course, because they don't just report the news, they give their opinions) how Obama can possibly react to this. They were actually admitting that it was good, but you could tell they were very nervous for Obama, as all impartial journalists should be. But, as one democrat cable news panelist actually put it tonight immediately following her speech (believe it or not): She was brilliant. Brilliant!

And as for the liberals calling her mean, well, guess what. She is a mother who has watched the national media and the democratic party attack her little girl for the last three days. What mother wouldn't fight back?

One other point before I go - What is so wrong with McCain picking a choice that appeals to conservatives? When Obama picks liberal Biden it's just par for the course to the media. But when - God forbid - McCain picks a conservative, well, he's just weak and stupid. The truth is, they are scared to death of pro-lifers (no pun intended). Well, be SCARED! Because Roe v. Wade will be overturned in our lifetimes!

And one more thing (sorry, I need to get all of this out or I won't sleep tonight) - I have had enough of this vetting crap. The media thinks they deserve to be part of the vetting process and they are all upset that McCain left them out. How dare he leave them out! The insanity of it! I actually heard one democratic strategist say on t.v. today that they should have been told, that McCain should have put her name on a list for them. WHAT?! Let me just say one thing here...I KNEW SHE WAS ON THE SHORT LIST! In APRIL! Little old me. In Richmond, Virginia. I remember it as clear as day. I was in our office, on my Mac, and I read it in an article linked off of the Drudge Report. Maybe they should have just called me.

Oh, and I'm not sad anymore after tonight. Hopefully my admiration for Sarah will keep my mind off of bad thoughts tomorrow too!

A great day

The last 24 hours have been a whirlwind of emotions for me.

To start things off, this time last night my husband was just getting home from work and we were starting to watch one of our guilty pleasures, Big Brother. Well, let's just say things didn't go the way I wanted them to during the episode and I actually cried. Yes, actual, real tears. I think I might have said something like, "Why can't things ever go my way?"

Not my proudest moment. But I share this with you just in case you might sometimes get the very wrong impression from my posts that I am more in touch with God than I actually am. I think this example speaks for itself on that issue.

That being said, I do blame some of my behavior on hormones. I have to, right? Who cries during Big Brother, other than when a house guest gets a call from home, or a letter from their kid? And even then, you'd have to be REALLY into the show and maybe PMSing. If it's not hormones, than I am truly a crazy person.

Anyways, we went to bed a while later and let's suffice it to say that it was one of those nights when, according to my chart, certain behavior was required. That pressure can sometimes lead to a fight, and in this case it did. A long one. I think I fell asleep sometime after four a.m.

About six hours later, I was awoken by my screaming husband. Like, at the top of his lungs screaming. If I remember correctly, I think he was saying, "He picked her! He picked Palin!" At first I thought he was going to say he picked Eric Can.tor. That's our local congressman, a friend of ours works for him, and Ry.an might have been able to follow him on the campaign trail if he was chosen. But when I heard "Palin" I was in utter shock. I heart Sarah Palin.

I think I was giddy all day long. I was just on cloud nine. I mean, she walked out to the theme from Rudy, people! Her 5-month-old baby boy with Downs Syndrome, who she is still breast feeding, was in the arms of her oldest daughter. I cried. I still get chills when I watch it on Youtube.

Okay, so today's political news put both of us in great moods, although both of us were extremely tired from our lack of sleep. While my husband had to go in to work for a couple hours, I got to nap. When I woke up, we headed off to do some shopping and to go out to dinner (the day just kept on getting better!). My plan was to go into J.Cr.ew just to see what size I am this week. No, I might not be able to eat fried food, but I go down sizes as quick as I use to put back a plate of chicken tenders. (Sorry. That's just me trying to convince myself. I want bad food REALLY bad right now.)

So I tried on a size that would have been a crazy dream size just a few months ago. Now it is officially my size. I tried on several pants and capris in that size, and all fit. To put this in context, you have to understand that I've spent years in denial about my true size. Trips to the fitting room would go something like this: Find clothes in size smaller than I really am, because I don't want to admit my real size. Hold up clothes and think "I'm not that big, am I?" Take clothes into the dressing room. Try clothes on and can't pull them up. Get upset. Leave store in bad mood. Curse all clothing stores, myself and skinny people.

Back to the shopping.. I then tried on a pair of capris in a size bigger than my current size because they didn't have my size, and they're big but comfy and on a major sale so I bought them ($18 isn't bad!). I then tried on a pair in the same style a size down from my current size and decided to buy those too. So I now own a pair of capris in a super-bizarro-beyond-crazy dream size. (A thought just came to me - this is one way infertility has truly blessed me. I would NEVER have lost nearly thirty pounds if it wasn't because of this. Well, maybe that was a little obvious, now that I think about it.)

So I left the store extremely excited and we went to a great restaurant and had a great meal. Then we came home and watched the Mets game we had DVR'ed. Um, amazing! With two outs in the ninth, they came back from behind with a grand slam and won. And the Phillies lost! First place by two games!!

Well, that's my day in a nutshell. And what a great one it was! When I was wallowing in self-pity early this morning and telling my husband he doesn't care about me, I didn't have high hopes for the day ahead. But life is full of surprises!

I CANNOT believe it!

Wow!!!!!!!!!!! She has been my dream pick for McCain's running mate, but in recent months I had resigned myself to the fact that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin wasn't the one. And then my husband woke me up this morning SCREAMING that she was it!

From Wikipedia, about her baby with Downs Syndrome:

Palin refused to let the results of prenatal genetic testing change her decision to have the baby. "I'm looking at him right now, and I see perfection," Palin said. "Yeah, he has an extra chromosome. I keep thinking, in our world, what is normal and what is perfect?"

She is just incredible. Incredible! I honestly didn't think he had it in him. I am SO proud of John McCain for this pick! He has officially fired me up, so I hope the rest of the conservative base is too!

****

Update

Just watched her speech and I am in AWE. I didn't want it to end. And when she walked out - TO THE THEME FROM RUDY, I might add - with her children and her daughter holding her little baby, I cried. One of the best political moments I have ever witnessed.

Miscellaneous ramblings

Since my last two posts were related to politics, I'm sticking with it for tonight. I have something on my mind and what better place to vent than on my blog? So... can I just say that I am so glad that this vice-presidential speculation is all but over? It has greatly affected my personal plans (my husband's days off) and I am glad to see it come to an end! And I'm also thankful the Virginia governor is out of the running because that would have really affected my life (no offense to Ry.an who would have welcomed possible travel. Sorry, honey. You would have been gone during my fertile week.)

On a serious note (although I wasn't not serious in the previous paragraph), I am very glad that Tim Ka.ine, a known Catholic, will not be the vice presidential nominee. It wouldn't have been great for the Catholic Church to have one of its members in such a visable position while also solidly pro-choice. Not that there aren't many others like this - we all know who they are - but a presidential race is different. Kai.ne would have been the "Catholic" guy on the ticket. And he would have been the poster-boy for the segment of the Catholic Church who believes it is okay to knowingly go against one of the central-most teachings of the faith. Not that Joe Bid.en isn't Catholic; he is. But "Catholic" doesn't come up in the first few statements about him like it seems to with Ka.ine. Kai.ne touted his "Catholic values" when he ran for governor and would likely have done it again.

The reason I got fired up about this tonight is because I'm watching Gre.ta VanSus.teren and she's talking about how mad "women" would have been if Kaine had been selected. And, why, you ask? Well because they don't think he's pro-choice enough. What? I understand that NA.RAL doesn't think he's pro-choice enough and didn't endorse him for governor. But, come on! If you want to kill babies, how many varying degrees of this can there be? But that's not even what got me fired up. What makes me so sad is to think of all these women that Gre.ta speaks of, who are inundating her with emails because they are so afraid that Ob.ama might pick a candidate who is pro-choice but not pro-choice enough. Probably 99% of these women are mothers. Mothers who want to protect the right to kill their unborn. Mothers. It just seems like it goes against nature. That has always bothered me.

Okay, sorry to rant about this.

On another topic.. I bought a pair of size 6 jeans yesterday! Woo hoo! They are the second pair of pants/capris I've bought in that size recently, but my first pair of jeans. And as we all know, jeans are the real test. I'm also closing in on 30 pounds lost. I'm at 27.2 right now. I truly can't believe it. I'm so thankful that my weight is no longer an issue I stress over. And it's a great feeling knowing that you'll always weigh less next week. Next month I'll be five to ten pounds less, and the month after that even less. I know I might hit a plateau some day soon, but it hasn't happened yet. And if it happens at this point, I can't complain.

I also can't complain about the food I can eat. I can basically take any food I crave and make it low G.I. For instance, tonight I'm having chicken tenders and stuffing. Seriously! My chicken tender recipe is amazing, I must say. And I'm taking my grandma's Thanksgiving stuffing recipe and making it low G.I., substituting light butter for butter, wheat bread for white bread, etc. I haven't done it this way before, so I'm excited to try it. And my chicken tenders? I put them in white wheat flour, then egg, then into a mixture of whole wheat bread crumbs, parmesan cheese, salt, pepper and garlic powder. I then put them in a pan with a little olive oil and brown them on both sides. I then put them, still in the oven-proof pan, into the oven to finish cooking. So good! I then usually allow myself some honey mustard for dipping, even though it's not truly low G.I., because then I really feel like I'm eating fried food!

Since I'm on recipes, I have to post the most amazing low G.I. zucchini bread recipe ever. I made it two days ago and we can't get enough of it!

Zucchini Bread

Dry ingredients:
2 cups white wheat flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
3 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon

Wet ingredients:
3 eggs
1/2 cup canola oil
l1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1 cup splenda
1/4 cup brown sugar splenda blend
2 teaspoons vanilla
2 cups grated zucchini
1 cup chopped walnuts

Mix dry ingredients together and set aside. Beat wet together, fold in dry slowly and stir just until blended. Pour into greased or sprayed 9x5 inch loaf pans (this makes 2 loaves. If you want to cut it in half and do one loaf use 2 eggs. The other ingredients halve very easily.) Bake at 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes. Make sure middle is done - springs back when lightly touched or clean toothpick extracted from middle.

If you make it, let me know how it turns out! By the way, my husband's workplace has caught the low G.I. fever. Just from seeing him and I, they want to know our secret. So several have bought the book and started it. The weird thing is I don't walk around promoting it and I don't want to be known as the "diet girl" who people have to hide their yummy food from. I've always hated those people! (not really hated, but you know what I mean...) But I guess it's a compliment if they want to do what we're doing just from looking at us.

Alright, that's it for now. Oh - one more thing - I'll be waking up bright and early for an infertility support group meeting tomorrow morning! If you can, join us!

The big interview

As promised, here is my husband's story about Ob.ama from yesterday. This isn't the entire interview. I might be able to post a link to that later on, but it's not up anywhere yet.

Checking in

I'm not sure why I haven't been posting a lot lately, at least for me. Perhaps, as I've read others remark as well lately on their blogs, my recent good mood hasn't lent itself to posting. Maybe it's because I've been unusually busy lately, handling DVD orders and even creating a Web site for a friend of my mom (if you knew me you'd think this was bizarre, but she liked my site and is paying me generously). Or maybe it is because I have become obsessed with watching the Olympics. I love all of it and I can't get enough. I talked a big game all summer about wanting to boycott it, but that hasn't worked out the way I had planned.

Whatever the reason, I just haven't felt the motivation to write. Which is weird because I have a lot of things to say. I'll get to it all sooner or later.

My big accomplishment today (or, actually, my husband's accomplishment) was putting Pay.pal up on the movie's website. In just a couple hours we've already gotten two orders.

Speaking of my husband, as I type this, he is interviewing Bar.ack Oba.ma. He was scheduled to at eight. As he was contemplating questions to ask the past couple days, I, of course, told him to ask Oba.ma why he kills babies, with a follow-up of what he'll say to them if he meets them in Heaven. That wouldn't be weird, right? Needless to say, those will not be among the questions my husband asks. Darn.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Update - So I just talked to my husband and it went really well. 'Really well' meaning he got in a bunch of questions in very little time, wasn't afraid to cut him off, and even got under his skin. I'm so proud! It was a one-on-one interview and he got three minutes. So Ry.an (because I'm tired of typing out "my husband," I will officially start using his real name) asked him about the VP because he had to, then asked him about missile defense and squeezed in two follow-ups, then asked him about values voters. So Oba.ma gave him some predictable answer about Evangelicals, but then Ry.an cut him off and said, "But what about the social issues..." but Oba.ma cut him off and said, "I think we're done here!" Then he said something like, "You got in more than you should have." Then when his press secretary brought in the next reporter and photographer, she told them they had three minutes, to which Oba.ma added, "Hopefully she'll do a better job reigning you in than she did with this guy!" referring to my husband. Isn't that great? I'm so proud of him! I'll post a picture, or possibly even video if I can, later.

I take this very personally...

Barack Obama:

Look, I've got two daughters -- 9 years old and 6 years old. I'm going to teach them first of all about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby.

See for yourself:

This makes me so made that I can't even begin to comment on the obsurdity of it, other than to say how dare he call a baby, a blessing that is tragically unattainable to so many women, a punishment.

(Thanks to A Thorn in the Pew, where I first saw this story)