A touchy topic

So I'm watching Oprah. I should know better, but it's on the t.v. at my parents' house so I started watching. Not surprisingly she's talking about a subject somewhat related to infertility (I feel like every time I happen to watch that show it's about infertility... or dogs) and, of course, it started out about how great sperm donation is. Then, to my huge surprise, she brought on four women who were conceived with sperm donation and not all had great things to say about it (there "other" side is rarely presented, so this was shocking). Some talked about being deprived of the basic right to know their history and who both of their parents are. One woman even said, "I felt like I was a product." That makes me sad.

Also today, my grandmother, out of the blue, brought up that one of her friend's daughters had twins through IVF. Knowing she was telling me this story as either a way to offer me hope or just to show she can relate to me, I kindly told my grandmother that it is against the Church's beliefs and not an option for me. My grandmother doesn't know; she's been Catholic all her life, but I don't expect her to be up to date on the Holy See's stance on reproductive technology. It's never affected her or anyone close to her, and I doubt she spends too much time familiarizing herself with any of the Church's laws, for that matter.

This all made me think about something that's always bothered me, and one of the reasons I started this blog - the fact that the Catholic voice is often, if not always, left out of discussions about infertility. I know that most people in this country aren't Catholic, but it amazes me that the Catholic side of the infertility issue is never brought up in the media. It is completely ignored. Shows about IVF never mention that many people are opposed to the procedure. The "other" side on a show like that is the fact that it's so expensive, or whether couples should give up. It's never about the moral implications, how a woman's health issues fail to be addressed, the fact that it often has a low success rate, or - God forbid! - that many embryos are destroyed in the process.

We all know the reason why this side of the debate is ignored - it is a very sensitive issue due to the millions of children who have been conceived this way. If we imply that it is morally wrong, then we are giving the impression that we are judging these families and saying these children shouldn't have been born.

It's a very tough topic, but I believe the failure of anyone to talk about this is, at best, alienating Catholic couples with infertility and, at worst, helping to misinform Catholic couples who don't know the Church views it as illicit, or why the Church does in the first place (it's not just a "rule" we have to follow, it actually makes really great sense). I know, it's actually the job of the Church to teach these couples and many priests, marriage prep couples and lay ministers are unfortunately doing a poor job at this on the parish level. But it's also the responsibility of the media to include all sides as well.

If I hadn't been Catholic, or if I hadn't been pro-life, I might have been one of those women who did IVF. I now know how dangerous that would have been for me. Through NaPro Technology and pro-life doctors, I have discovered that the medical issue causing my infertility could, if left untreated, lead to diabetes or a heart attack at an ealier-than-normal age. If I had done IVF three years ago, my PCOS and insulin resistance may never have been discovered. I'm not saying women who undergo IVF are never diagnosed with something. Some are, but many are not. It is often used as a band-aid, to the disservice of the women who really need to know what's causing their infertility.

I've been hesitant to post a lot about IVF in the past (which is unlike me because I'm very passionate about it). I guess I, too, have been afraid to offend others, or worse, their children. The issue came up when we started the support group at my parish. Of course we wouldn't discuss IVF or similar procedures, but how would we approach the topic if women who have done the procedure or were considering it came to the group? I think we decided to hand out something that stated our stance on the issues at the beginning of a meeting (we haven't had too many women attend our meetings yet, so it hasn't been a big issue).

I think our first priority is to educate other Catholic couples about the topic. But I also hope that one day the moral implications of assisted reproductive technologies will be considered by the pro-life community at large (as well as the issue of contraception).

Well, sorry to rant. I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I know how badly those of us with infertility want children. I KNOW. But I also believe strongly in the value of every human life, no matter how early on in life it is (and I don't think it's merely a personal choice; if that were the case, I'd have to call myself pro-choice). I just hope more women can find out that there's another option and that IVF isn't the only way to go. And I hope that one day NaPro Technology can become more widespread and that with diagnosis, surgery and medication, there won't be as much of a need for IVF or similiar procedures. Now those of us who are NaPro patients just need to get pregnant, and help out those stats!!

Tired

Today I feel like the weight of this is too much. The prospect of living the rest of my life in a world full of fertile people, kids, commercials with babies, pregnant stomachs, abortion.. it's just incomprehensible. Can't we all live together on an island somewhere, and take trips back to the "mainland" when we're having a good week?

I'm trying to convince myself that these feelings will pass. There will come a time when I can handle the heartache better. It just seems impossible when you're in the middle of it.

I'm angry with God. I'm angry that he made me to want to grow up to be a mother. How can a loving God not take pity on me and at least design me to not be the girl who always talked about having kids? I know he could do that if he wanted to. And here's a question for ya: I know people say that suffering comes from Satan, but if so, then why wouldn't God want to eliminate what Satan caused? If people say that God allows our suffering because it is "part of his plan for us" then does that mean he's working with Satan? Surely they aren't in cahoots. It just isn't making sense to me right now.

I just feel like I've heard of very few people who have been trying nearly four years who actually end up pregnant, especially who are over 30. I hate even typing that because it sounds like a bad statistic.

Sorry, I just needed to vent.

Miserable

I am sad to report that I am now officially despairing. I just feel like everything is a big mess and nothing is going right at the moment. And what makes it worse is that I'm trying SO hard. I'm trying so hard to trust God. I'm trying so hard to lose weight. Speaking of weight, I've gained back about five pounds. It makes no sense. I'm following the diet, exercising, and still nothing. I've been trying to figure out if I'm doing something wrong, but it doesn't appear that I am. I also am EXHAUSTED and I thought the point of this diet is that you start to have energy. Not me.

Interestingly enough, I'm really not upset that I'm not pregnant this month. Perhaps that is because there has never been any chance I would be. Well, not since the first few months after my honeymoon way back in 2004 (there still was no chance then, but at least I didn't know it yet). So I'm not upset about that. I'm more upset in general. I just don't know if I'm crazy for not giving up yet. I'm trying to remember what my new doctor told me, that he thinks it's possible to get me ovulating and then pregnant. I'm trying to hold on to that, but it's tough.

I hate these times when everything bad in your life rushes to the forefront and invades your every thought. I can handle bad things when I have something positive going on in my life, but when everything looks dismal, I crumble. That is what is happening now. I feel sick, incredibly achy, tired, I am not losing weight despite a strict diet, I have no purpose in life, no apparent future, and I have no kids at age 31 and may never have any. Those are the thoughts playing on repeat in my brain.

I know I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, and I know this is the devil at work. I just fight it off so much that sometimes I get tired and give in. And to be honest, it's not like I've cried about it or anything, so that's an improvement over my former life. I use to cry constantly. I said a Rosary this morning to ward off the bad attitude, but then I just beat myself up because I don't know all the mysteries by heart at the moment. Maybe I'll study them today.

I really believe this sadness is due to hormones. I know God is with me and is helping me carry the cross. I know this would be much worse without him. I just need some extra help today, God. Something to brighten my mood. And I need patience, because we will know so much more at my next doctor's appointment, which is now just about three weeks away. In the meantime, I need to stay positive and not let this get the best of me. It could be much worse. There is hope, even if I can't see it right now.

Just needed to rant

I know I'm coming a little late to this party, but I now feel the need to comment on the pregnant woman who has been grabbing headlines as the "pregnant man." (I wonder how many infertile women looked at the headline last week and thought, "Oh, great.") I am not even going to get into what that child may think when he or she learns they came down their father's birth canal, or how I personally feel about using a turkey baster to create the pregnancy. No, I am simply annoyed by one thing. As an otherwise healthy woman whose reproductive organs don't seem to be working, I am so tired of hearing that a man was able to conceive. It's like pouring salt on my wound (and this is coming from an infertile woman whose testosterone levels are high.. actually, should this give me hope?). For the record, she's not a man. She's had no surgery and still has all her lady parts, so it's a little nuts to dub this a miracle (now me getting pregnant, that would be a miracle). I understand the concept of respecting someone's wishes and calling them by the pronoun they believe fits them, but when it comes to discussing that person's pregnancy, let's refer to their gender from a medical standpoint, please. Media, I am talking to you.

Okay, sorry to rant. Speaking of the media, I heard on the Discovery channel today a wonderful little stat that just brightened my morning - the fact that 250,000 babies are born each day. A quarter of a million! In one day! Hearing that stat really made me realize how absolutely commonplace pregnancy is, and how that is what our bodies are supposed to do. I know this is all very obvious, but when you are unable to give birth to one of the 91,250,000 babies born each year, hearing how many other people are able to isn't exactly fun. I mean, millions upon millions of women are trying their darndest to not get pregnant right now!

Here's an example of how bad it has gotten for me.. It's one thing to see babies everywhere to remind you of your infertility, but has anyone ever looked at a crowd of adults and thought, 'every one of these people were born to a fertile woman'? That's right - I even see adults as a reminder of my infertility. Heck, I am a reminder of my infertility in that my mother was fertile. That's bad. Actually, it's not like I am in a bad place right now. I'm not. These are just some of the thoughts that swirl around in my head on a good day.

As for how my chart is doing, I'm on day 11 and I had three days of spotting following my period. That was a bit excessive, even for me. I had some mucus yesterday. And I just finished my first month of parlodel, which I'm taking for my high prolactin. I'm still taking it, it's just significant because I heard it might take a couple months to start working. Not much else new.