As much as I hate to admit it, I think there's a good chance I might get pregnant some day. In the far reaches of my mind, when I dare to admit it to myself for fear of somehow jinxing it, I think it could happen. I didn't always feel this way, but I have caught the new, post-surgery me thinking these thoughts. They tend to go like this: I'm in my mid-30's, I have at least one adopted child and I've never stopped praying for a miracle. It's unexpected and amazing.
I believe that the removal of my endometriosis - barring a new, additional diagnosis (still the pessimist) - now makes even the possibility possible. Even if my egg is not currently being released from my ovary, having otherwise healthy reproductive organs at least allows for the chance that an egg will one day, one month, find its way out.
While I believe in miracles, I didn't feel in my heart that I'd get my miracle before my surgery. I know anything is possible, but I just wasn't feeling it. But now I believe God could definitely work His wonders. I don't know why I feel this way, maybe because it is easier to imagine God making my egg leave my ovary rather than imagining Him instantaneously clearing up my endometriosis. Maybe it is easier to wrap my mind around the former. But maybe it's also because God is putting the possibility on my heart now.
That brings me to what I need more than anything at the moment (yes, even more than hope). There are a lot of things about me God has been working on in the past 3 1/2 years. Through it all, though, I know patience is at the top of the list. I want to be pregnant yesterday. I want to be pregnant after my first cycle post surgery. I want to be pregnant by at least the second month. I want to be pregnant while I'm 31. Heck, I want to give birth while I'm 31. I want to be pregnant sooner rather than later so that my new-found hope doesn't wane. I don't know how long I can sustain this slightly positive outlook.
I know I need to work on my patience. There's going to be a wait. There could be a very long wait (every day seems long when you're dealing with infertility). Now that I think about it, "be patient" were Dr. Hilgers' parting words to me. It might not happen right away and that's okay (I try to convince myself). Because, if given the choice, wouldn't we all say we'd take a pregnancy five years from now over no pregnancy at all? I know, the thought of waiting five, six or seven years seems horrible, especially because while we wait we don't have any guarantee that a pregnancy will ever happen. If we did it would be too easy. I have definitely wished that I could know the future.. if God could just let me know now.
So I pray to the Lord that I can learn patience and completely submit to His will in the meantime.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I may not know what His plans are for my future, but if He says he won't harm me, then I guess I have to believe that and try to have some patience in the meantime.
Showing posts with label endometriosis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label endometriosis. Show all posts
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
I just want one
I always thought I wanted a big family, and luckily, my husband was okay with that. I'm one of three, he's one of four, and I figured I'd be happy with five or even more, whatever God chose to give us. Really, it was up to Him. Just like those big Catholic families I see in church.
In the past three and a half years, though, those thoughts have vanished. While I know anything is possible, I figure there just isn't enough time to have that huge family I've dreamed of (mathematically there is, but I like to be a pessimist I guess). I also wanted to be a young mom. That dream died years ago, obviously, but I still mourn it at times.
Now I dream, wish, hope, pray for one baby. Just one. I'd give anything to get a positive pregnancy test just once in my life, to be happily pregnant (I swear I will welcome morning sickness, labor pains, and all of that), and to see my baby. I'd be eternally grateful to be an overtired new parent, to clean up puke and dirty diapers, to never leave the house, to be consumed with him or her, to have my house full of baby things, and to see my child baptized and share that with friends and family who have waited for this with us. I want my family to come visit because of the new baby, I want to triumphantly take the baby home to my parents. I want to see what our baby together would look like.. my brown or his blue eyes, my brown or his blond hair.. would he or she look like our baby pictures? I want to name my baby just once.
Why is it that some families get to have so many? I know all the spiritually-correct answers to that question, but they rarely comfort me. On a gut level I can't help but wonder, why? I know God blesses us all in different ways, but if babies are considered blessings, then why is God choosing not to bless me? It hurts me to see the huge families while I only want one. I know that is jealousy and it is something I constantly fight. I'm like a broken record in confession - jealousy, anger, impatience, etc., etc., etc. It's definitely the devil trying to get in my head while I'm vulnerable. And I am definitely vulnerable.
Okay, I need to get a grip! I have a lot to be thankful for. God has blessed me and while it may not have been with a baby, it has come in other forms. I have a wonderful, loving husband who puts up with A LOT. I have my health, so does he and the rest of our families. I have a diagnosis, which I didn't six months ago. I also had a successful surgery and I am endometriosis free. I have a greater chance of conceiving at some point than not conceiving.. my chances are over 50%. I have a huge prayer network of people, some I don't even know, who are constantly lifting me up in prayer.. that's got to be worth something (although it also makes me realize that God definitely doesn't will me to be pregnant at this point.. He's definitely getting an earful of requests). I have a beautiful little dog who currently takes the place of a baby (and I'm quite sure she hates it.. I am constantly apologizing to her for this).
These things give me comfort in the moment, but it's hard to think of them when I see those huge families. Don't get me wrong, those families are awesome. I just want to be part of one.
On another topic, I had HORRIBLE pains last night in what I believe was my stomach. It was on my left side just under my bottom rib. It came on suddenly and the only warning was I had just eaten and felt really, really full. Like Thanksgiving full, but I clearly hadn't eaten that much. Then the pain hit and I was incapacitated. My mom, a nurse, is convinced it was just gas and thought perhaps it was due to my digestive system being slow because of the anesthesia. I also know it was gas because burping would relieve it for a few seconds. I also had just eaten broccoli and apparently that can cause gas. Anyways, it was almost as bad as my endometriosis pain and that's saying a lot. I just hope it doesn't happen again.
In the past three and a half years, though, those thoughts have vanished. While I know anything is possible, I figure there just isn't enough time to have that huge family I've dreamed of (mathematically there is, but I like to be a pessimist I guess). I also wanted to be a young mom. That dream died years ago, obviously, but I still mourn it at times.
Now I dream, wish, hope, pray for one baby. Just one. I'd give anything to get a positive pregnancy test just once in my life, to be happily pregnant (I swear I will welcome morning sickness, labor pains, and all of that), and to see my baby. I'd be eternally grateful to be an overtired new parent, to clean up puke and dirty diapers, to never leave the house, to be consumed with him or her, to have my house full of baby things, and to see my child baptized and share that with friends and family who have waited for this with us. I want my family to come visit because of the new baby, I want to triumphantly take the baby home to my parents. I want to see what our baby together would look like.. my brown or his blue eyes, my brown or his blond hair.. would he or she look like our baby pictures? I want to name my baby just once.
Why is it that some families get to have so many? I know all the spiritually-correct answers to that question, but they rarely comfort me. On a gut level I can't help but wonder, why? I know God blesses us all in different ways, but if babies are considered blessings, then why is God choosing not to bless me? It hurts me to see the huge families while I only want one. I know that is jealousy and it is something I constantly fight. I'm like a broken record in confession - jealousy, anger, impatience, etc., etc., etc. It's definitely the devil trying to get in my head while I'm vulnerable. And I am definitely vulnerable.
Okay, I need to get a grip! I have a lot to be thankful for. God has blessed me and while it may not have been with a baby, it has come in other forms. I have a wonderful, loving husband who puts up with A LOT. I have my health, so does he and the rest of our families. I have a diagnosis, which I didn't six months ago. I also had a successful surgery and I am endometriosis free. I have a greater chance of conceiving at some point than not conceiving.. my chances are over 50%. I have a huge prayer network of people, some I don't even know, who are constantly lifting me up in prayer.. that's got to be worth something (although it also makes me realize that God definitely doesn't will me to be pregnant at this point.. He's definitely getting an earful of requests). I have a beautiful little dog who currently takes the place of a baby (and I'm quite sure she hates it.. I am constantly apologizing to her for this).
These things give me comfort in the moment, but it's hard to think of them when I see those huge families. Don't get me wrong, those families are awesome. I just want to be part of one.
On another topic, I had HORRIBLE pains last night in what I believe was my stomach. It was on my left side just under my bottom rib. It came on suddenly and the only warning was I had just eaten and felt really, really full. Like Thanksgiving full, but I clearly hadn't eaten that much. Then the pain hit and I was incapacitated. My mom, a nurse, is convinced it was just gas and thought perhaps it was due to my digestive system being slow because of the anesthesia. I also know it was gas because burping would relieve it for a few seconds. I also had just eaten broccoli and apparently that can cause gas. Anyways, it was almost as bad as my endometriosis pain and that's saying a lot. I just hope it doesn't happen again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)