Bad day

Right after my earlier post today, my day went from bad to worse.

First, the UPS truck pulled up outside seconds after I clicked "publish." I was so excited. It was a bridesmaid dress from J.Cr.ew for my sister's wedding. She wanted to order it to see what we thought, but I had already fallen in love with it and was secretly getting my hopes up pretty high that she'd choose it. Without having much good in my life to focus on these days, this stupid dress arriving was like my light at the end of the tunnel.

I know, silly. And a recipe for disaster.

It wasn't the dress. I knew as soon as Ryan handed me the box that it was way too heavy to be the 1.8 pound package (yes, I checked the tracking information so much I had it memorized). My beautiful light blue strapless dress (with the cutest pockets!) was actually a man's coat. And to add insult to injury, upon calling the company we learned what I could have already guessed - it was now completely sold out.

Let's just say I had a melt down. Over something as trivial as a dress, you ask? Yes, and while I may not be proud of it, I will be honest. I cried like a baby over a missing dress.

I was, of course, crying about more than the dress. I was really crying because the dress represented something I had put my hopes in (how pathetic I am). In the midst of my sorry life and my struggles in a world full of fertile people, I decided to look forward to receiving a stupid package, something that could brighten my day, and J.Cr.ew screwed me. The story of my life.

So after speaking with the company and ordering another color that was still available (there are two colors that would have worked), I calmed down. I got all dressed and ready to go shopping with my husband and as he sat in the car waiting for me to go to the bathroom quickly before we left, I discovered that yet another cycle had come to an end.  Just. my. luck.

I got in the car and broke the news. We attempted to talk about it, but it was mainly me just giving bleak ultimatums - I want to give up...We are being silly to keep trying like this...We need to move on with our lives...God has decided I am not worthy of children and you made the poor decision to marry me - while he tried to have some hope. And, by the way, when I say I want to give up, I don't mean that this is just too much and I can't take it so let's give up. Oh no. I would try through menopause if it were up to me. I just suddenly felt like maybe we are being foolish to think we have a chance, like everyone is laughing at us, and that perhaps God wants us to move on and start coming to terms with being infertile. 

Then that led into my worse fear and what can cause me to cry whenever I think about it - the thought that there's a good chance that my time on this earth will pass without biological children. That my one go-around here will be without the joy of pregnancy, the experience of child birth, taking care of a newborn that is a complete mix of me and my husband. We get one shot at life and I will be missing out on perhaps the most important part of it - creating more life.  It is too much for me to contemplate. Thankfully, my mind blocks out the severity of the thought most of the time, but not today.

The main thing I couldn't get out of my head was that I just don't know how I will live the rest of my life in this world - a world full of fertile people, babies, pregnant women. I just don't think I have enough energy to do it and I don't want to do it. It is just too hard.

My poor, poor husband, because I just kept repeating, "I can't go on living in this world."

Please, please, PLEASE don't think I'm being suicidal here. That is not what I am saying at all, of course. It's just that I can't go on like this. Something has to give. Either I have to live on a deserted island, or I have to change my outlook. At this point, the island idea is looking pretty nice.

Oh, and I almost forgot - this cycle was completely messed up. It took a HUGE step backwards. My luteal phase was eleven days, but if you count yesterday's day of spotting as day one (which I'm pretty sure Creighton does...am I right?), then my luteal phase was ten days. Since it had been twelve days the past couple cycles, and I was hoping for even longer this time around, this was an enormous blow. Also, the fact that I had spotting is in itself a step backwards. So much for putting my hopes in getting healthier! Because of course I can't get pregnant, but now improved cycles are even too much to ask for! 

I'm feeling a little better now (despite the tone of this post, believe it or not). We had a good time shopping (I was supposed to be buying Christmas gifts for others, but instead I purchased a present for myself from my mother and picked out something from my husband for me as well...very successful trip!), and it got my mind off of things. And I guess I just realized tonight that there's nothing I can do about it. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying to will my body to change. I'm exhausted, actually. So at least for this moment, I'm all cried out. I'm trying not to think about it. But I'm sure I'll cry more tomorrow.