Some thoughts

I can't thank you enough for all your great advice on my last post and my endless questions. I have calmed down completely about the progesterone issue. I clearly had it drawn late, and I have never once been told I have low progesterone, so I am not concerned. It is in God's hands, so my worrying does no good anyways!

I am relaxing this afternoon. I cleaned this morning, planned out meals for the next week-and-a-half and made a grocery list. Does anyone love doing that as much as I do? (The meal planning, not cleaning!) I love it and I am so thankful that I can put so much time into it, since it is one of my primary duties. I know those of you with jobs have to juggle it along with everything else, so it is probably more stressful under those circumstances. I have so much respect for those of you who do it all; we ate a lot of frozen meals in a bag when I worked full time. I am just so thankful that it is something I can now focus on and enjoy.

So I have finished taking my Tamoxifen this cycle. Other than what might have been one hot flash in the middle of the night on cycle day four, I had no side effects at all, including no abdominal pain this time (last cycle I had some pain on the left side while taking it). I also have continued to see peak-type mucus, which I guess is good. I find it somewhat interesting that I didn't work my way up to peak-type mucus this time and just started it right away on cycle day six. I am not going to worry about it, though. Having good quality mucus early is better than having hardly any good quality mucus at all.

Emotionally, I am doing well. I have been trying to reflect on how I handled starting a new cycle last week. I so desperately wanted to ride out the storm with my hope and faith in tact, and, to be honest, I'm not really sure how I did. I mean, it wasn't a normal cycle. I was at my parents' house for my grandmother's sudden funeral. Ryan wasn't with me and I couldn't really react as I normally would. I definitely despaired and the main thought racing through my mind at my lowest point was the usual, I just can't do this anymore (I know, that thought is so useless because, really, what does it mean? But in the moment it is so real. It hurts so badly and I can't imagine myself enduring that pain for years to come). Yes, I believe that thought is a sign of despair, but it was also a prayer. I was saying it to God and while it may have shown weakness, I don't believe it shows a complete lack of faith. It may show a momentary lack of trust in his ultimate plan for me, but it was also me being honest to my Father in a time of deep pain. Asking him to rescue us is, in itself, a sign of our faith.

I am not trying to pat myself on the back; quite the contrary - I think I could have reacted so much better than I did. And, if God wills, I will have another chance in a few weeks to redeem myself and ride out the storm a little better (every time I write that I can't help but picture the scene from last night's episode of Lost, when they were all padding in the pouring rain). 

During my grandmother's funeral Mass on Saturday, I began to think about how the grief we suffer each cycle is similar to how we mourn the passing of a loved one. We are, on some scale, mourning a monthly death - the death of a dream and, in a way, the death of a child we were not given to carry that month. We probably even go through the stages of grief in a sped-up fashion (shock, pain, anger, depression, etc.). It occurred to me during that Mass that through this monthly "death," we are able to uniquely unite ourselves to Christ's experience on Calvary. We are given a glimpse - an opportunity - to feel an ounce of his pain.

I think that is a gift. It is also a burden, because we all know it isn't easy. And the unimaginable pain that Christ experienced on the cross was also a burden on him, to say the least. But I have to bear the weight of this, just as Christ did, and find joy in knowing that I have been given a little peak into the heart of the one I love so much.

And perhaps experiencing an ounce of his pain will remind me to remain faithful to him. I have a novena that talks about the suffering Christ experienced on the cross for all the lukewarm souls. I pray that I am never again one of those people.

So that's what I am thinking about today. I am also about to go lay down because I just started getting dizzy. Did I mentioned I am so blessed to be a stay at home wife? (I spent many a time laying on the floor of offices when I didn't feel well). Before I do that, though, I will check the adoption agency's website for the tenth time today to see if our picture is up yet.

I also just wanted to add that a few minutes ago I found out that my youngest sister will lose her teaching job after this year. Please say some prayers for her if you get a chance.