Pain and surrendering

It's a not-super-chilly, sunny day here in the V-A. Sophie likes our new screen door, as you can see, but not as much as I do! You can also see in this picture that she is shaved right down, poor thing. She actually has been shivering and so those silly dog sweaters have been put to practical use lately!

So I had some weird pain this morning. The day started out fine - I woke up like normal and went on the internet for about twenty minutes. Then, when I got up from the computer, I began to have horrible abdominal pain. I made it to the couch and by then it had gotten a lot worse. It was kind of like the endometriosis cramps I used to have, where they are so bad that you just know they can't possibly last (although they usually did). I can sense the actual pain is moving, if you know what I mean. 

While it was at its worse, it was centered on my left side. I took four advil and got a heating pad. I don't even know what's good or bad to do during the luteal phase, but I didn't care (plus, my doctor once laughed at me for questioning whether advil was okay to take and Ryan likes to remind me of this all the time). 

Ryan was trying to ask me questions and it hurt so bad I could barely respond. The one thing I was able to tell him was that I was contemplating whether I should get dressed, brush my hair and put on some make-up (yes, I really would have) in case we needed to go to the emergency room. I was afraid it was only going to get worse and that I'd better get ready while I still could.

And then it went away, as quickly as it came.

I have no idea what this means, but I don't think it's endometriosis returning because that pain was always exclusively at the beginning of my cycle (today is cycle day 22). My gut tells me it was gas, but that bad? I know, I know...gas can be REALLY bad, but I don't have any other intestinal problems to speak of. Who knows.

Part of me is, of course, wondering if it was like a ruptured cyst, the one I have always suspected is on my left ovary, but I really am thinking gas. I just tend to suspect everything is cycle related, so I am a bit curious.

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In other news, I am still feeling a great sense of surrendering. I hesitate to say that I "surrendered" because that implies that it was an action I took, which I didn't. Although I will say that I haven't fought it, so I guess I am at least partially responsible for the feeling remaining for several days. The Lord knows I could resist it if I wanted to!

But who would want do that? It really is an amazing feeling. Not only do I trust the Lord's plan for me, but I am excited to see what it is! Every time I have left things up to God, it has always turned out great. And since my own track record is not as good, it only makes sense to defer to him.

I should also point out that this doesn't mean that I think now that I have surrendered my life to him, that everything will be peachy. I know this isn't necessarily true, that's part of having blind faith. Sometimes he calls us to move out of our comfort zone, to do things we never planned on doing, or to work harder than we've ever worked before. Infertility is a perfect example of this. I believe he is allowing this cross in our lives to be living witnesses of faith, so who knows what he might ask of us next. All I know is that I wouldn't turn him down if he asked me face to face, so I shouldn't turn him down no matter how the invitation arrives.

That all being said, I feel great about this. I feel light and peaceful. I feel like I am moving forward, rather than beating down a closed door (thanks, Lifehopes!). I feel like I am running on land rather than walking upstream with weights on my feet (which is how I usually feel!). And, dare I say, I feel like I might even be able to feel joy! I don't want to get carried away, though.

So no matter what is ahead, I know that if I continue to surrender to his will, I will be well equipped to handle anything that comes our way. I just feel like God has been there waiting to help me and I wasn't letting him. Now that I am, I am hoping he can get to work on my heart, to take away my selfish desire for biological children and give me a heart to love whatever child he gives us.

And, yes, I am afraid that I will wake up one day soon and will be back to my old way of thinking. I know that this could be at least partially due to hormones and when whatever it is that is making me feel up falls, I might fall too. I also know that the end of this cycle won't be easy and I will have to hold on tight while I ride out the storm. But I'm not going to worry about any of that now.

Honestly, the one negative about my new attitude is that my impatience is really being exposed. I'm like, God, I'm ready! I can't wait to see what you have in store! No...really...I want to see it now! So that will be something that I'll have to tackle with prayer. The good news is that everything seems easier now, so working on my impatience doesn't even stress me out!