"Her faith increased each time I said no"

I felt like God really spoke to me this afternoon when I was driving in the car on my way to the mall. I was listening to EWTN's daily Mass on the radio, though, so it wasn't too much of a stretch.

Today's Gospel reading was about the woman who begged Jesus to drive the demon out of her daughter. Jesus famously said to her, "Let the children be fed first. For it is not right to take the food of the children and throw it to the dogs."

During the homily, the priest pointed out that Matthew offers a longer version of this story, revealing more detail about how the woman had asked for this several times.

The priest then started talking about how Jesus took on a very different tone with this woman, one that seemingly lacked compassion. He then said that Mother Angelica used to tell a story of how once, when she was meditating on this Gospel passage, she asked Jesus why he spoke this way to the woman.

This, according to the priest, is what Christ told Mother Angelica:

"Yes, I knew this woman's heart, her deep faith and her compassion, but I wanted others to see it. I wanted her to be an example to all mankind of her deep humility and her perseverance. Even the rebuff she accepted in love. Even when she did not understand, she kept asking and she kept loving. Her faith increased each time I said no."

That hit me like a ton of bricks (so much so that once I stopped the car I rewound the program [I have Sirius] and scribbled down exactly what Christ said to her on my grocery list).

I felt like all my suffering was crystallized in that moment. It's all right there.

First, Christ knows my heart. He hears me asking day after day, month after month. If it were as simple as answering the prayers of those who are faithful, he'd have already granted me mine. But it's not that simple. Sometimes Christ uses us as an example to the world. In this case, I believe he is using me as an example of someone who is staying faithful, despite the obvious draw to become pregnant through IVF. Ours is a stance few take, so it makes complete sense that Christ would need us (and when you look at it that way, doesn't it seem completely worthwhile? Can't you just picture Christ asking us personally? If that were to happen, of course we'd say yes!).

But that's not all. This also reminds me that just because I am hearing a 'no' from God each month, that doesn't mean he isn't listening. In fact, we are called to grow in our faith every time we hear a 'no.' We're not supposed to lose faith, or stay stagnant in our faith. No. Every time we start a new cycle, we are actually called to increase our faith, even when we do not understand (that's the story of my life!).

That's not easy. Some months it's all I can do to not scream at God, and yet I am supposed to love him more? 

You know what, though? I knew this was true even before I heard it on the radio today. We all know it. I know that I have been in denial about it, because it's difficult and uncomfortable. It goes against the way we are conditioned to react to negative situations.

I just can't help but think that if Christ had said this to me, loud and clear in a human voice coming from the clouds, I would change my life that very instant. How could I not? I'd look at infertility in an entirely different light. I would believe undoubtedly that he had knowingly permitted me to suffer infertility for the benefit of not only my soul, but the souls of others, by becoming an example of faith and perseverance to the world. And it would be amazing!

But then I remind myself, he IS saying that! And I shouldn't need a personalized message for it to sink in! (Even though he was kind enough to tell it to Mother Angelica, so she could share it with us.)

I'm going to try to remember this. Every time my prayers seemed to go unanswered, or every time I seem to get a 'no', I am going to try my hardest to love Christ more, and I'm going to picture him asking me, personally, to do this for him. I'm never going to stop asking, and I'm never going to stop being an example of faith to the world. The woman eventually had her prayer answered and the demons driven out of her daughter, but Christ's hesitation to do so had a deep purpose. I think it does for all of us, too.

Putting on a happy face

I have a dilemma. And to make matters worse, I basically just wrote a whole post about it in my head at adoration, but now I feel totally uninspired to write it out.

I don't know if any of you are dealing with anything like this, but here goes.

So lately I have been thinking about my outward appearance to the world. Inside, I am despairing practically all the time. Maybe that is an exaggeration, but what I mean is my world, on a whole, is one of sadness due to infertility. Not that I am unable to laugh or have any fun - I do all the time - but on a large scale, it is difficult for me to find real joy, and any happiness I do experience is fleeting.

That being said, I don't think anyone in my life, except for my husband and those of you who read this blog, would know this. I put on a smile to the world and hopefully come off as pretty normal. I actually find this kind of ironic, because long ago I gave up any notions of being fake. I found it exhausting to even watch others pretend to be someone they're not, and knew I was way too lazy to ever put up a similar front. Now, though, I feel like God actually wills for me to pretend; not to be fake, necessarily, but to smile through my suffering when smiling is the last thing I feel like doing.

I'm reading a book about Mother Theresa's letters at the moment, and in them she talks about this very thing - about appearing outwardly happy despite her internal suffering - and I know many saints did the same. And even though it's about fasting, I always go back to the Holy Week reading when Jesus reminds his disciples to wash their face so as not to give the world the impression that they are enduring hardship.

And, like I said, I do try to do this most of the time. My dilemma, though, is whether I am doing it enough. Yes, 99% of the people who know me have no idea that infertility has ruined my life, but I am now wondering if I should be letting anyone know this truth. Does God want me to show my unhappiness to my husband, or I am supposed to put on a happy face for him, too? And what about this blog? Being able to vent here has helped me tremendously and I'd also like to think that my honesty has been helpful to some who read it, but, ultimately, is it just me complaining? Does God want me to put on a happy face to everyone, or are we allowed a couple exceptions?

I want to do what is best and what would please God. I know it doesn't please God for me to despair, but what is despair? I think it comes in different forms. One form is the when I cry and feel sorry for myself, or get jealous or angry. But another form is the overarching sadness that permeates my life due to my inability to conceive. In the first example, it is my reaction and I have control over it. But in the second example I believe it is something that is happening to me.

The first form of despair I can work on, and I am - I have tried to implement a new, positive attitude and it has worked wonders. The second form, though, is where I am more of a victim. So how am I supposed to work on that? That's where I start feeling really helpless. I know this permeating sadness is affecting all facets of my life, including my relationships, but if it is not my fault, how much culpability do I have?

And, then again, maybe that is a cop out. Maybe I am wrong to think that it is just happening to me. Maybe we have control over everything we feel and experience and maybe I could fix my feelings if I were stronger.

But then I go back to the idea that there are millions of women just like me going through the exact same emotions as I am. I am hardly original, which, to me, shows that this is not just some random gut reaction I am having. The emotionally weak, the strong, the smart, the crazy...we all experience practically the same thing. I tend to think that is evidence that this is beyond our control.

But even if that is true, does that change my original question? Should I still be putting on a happy face to my husband and those closest to me?

I really don't know what to do. One argument against it is that I am supposed to be honest to my husband and if I'm not, it could ultimately hurt our relationship in the long run. But I just feel so horrible for burdening him with all of this, and I really don't think that men are all that adept at understanding this anyways (sorry, men). I don't mean that in a bad way; they just process everything so differently from us and it's probably hard for them to not take offense at our constant unhappiness.

I prayed about it at adoration and I'm going to keep praying. I rarely feel like I get answers, though, so I don't know if I'll ever know (and that is not a knock on God - I am wondering lately if his apparent silence in my life is actually him trying to teach me to discern for myself or something. I'm not sure). And don't worry, I am not strung out or upset about this. I just am wondering if God is calling me to change this about my life. So I'll just keep thinking about it and, in the meantime, I'd love to know your thoughts.

Offering it up

So I am trying out a new coping mechanism.

For a while now, I have been deeply, deeply bothered by some things - things Catholics do that are not in accordance with the Church, or really, anything anyone does that could cause the Lord sorrow. For example, anything from the president promoting abortion to people taking the Eucharist who should not be taking it.

Now, I know I shouldn't go around judging others, and every time I pray for people I see doing wrong, I always make a point to pray for myself and my own sins first. I know I am not perfect, not even close, but it doesn't change the fact that my heart breaks when I see people making mistakes. Not only do I feel pain for Christ because I know he longs for these souls, but I feel pain for the people themselves. For whatever reason, they are on my heart and I feel called to pray for them.

At the same time, I know that with everything I need to fix within myself, I shouldn't be wasting time pointing the finger at others. But lately, I just haven't been able to shake my sadness for all these people. I wrestle with it internally and I feel like it is eating away at me because there is nothing I can do about it. Yes, I pray, but it just doesn't feel like enough. I mean, the world is going to hell in a hand basket! Do any of us feel better after praying for, say, an end to abortion? As long as it's still going on, you never feel good about it.

So, the other day I had an epiphany. All of a sudden, I felt strongly that I needed to combine the two issues I am currently struggling with: My desire to "save" these people who I see sinning against the Eucharist, and my infertility. So I decided that whenever I feel depressed about my current inability to procreate, I will offer up my suffering for all those who are causing our Lord sorrow in this way.

I am actually pretty hopeful about this. Usually I know right away if something will work, and I really feel like this will. I'll let you know how it goes.

****************************

In cycle news, it's cycle day 10. I saw some peak-type mucus rather early this cycle (days six through eight), but then yesterday was a 6PC day (pasty, cloudy). Then, when I spent most of the day without mucus today, I was starting to get concerned that something weird was going on. A bunch of good mucus days early, then two dry days? But tonight my cervix came through and I saw some 10 C/K L (stretchy, cloudy-clear, lubricative). There's one less thing to worry about, I guess. Maybe I'll actually ovulate at a normal time this cycle! If I end up having eight days of mucus (which I believe is a really good amount), then that means I'm gearing up for a cycle day 14 peak day! Okay...I'm not getting all worked up about this. I know I cannot plan out my cycle, no matter how hard I try!

Physically, I am EXHAUSTED today. It's one of those days when every time I stand up, I have to be prepared to black out a little and nearly fall over. Nice, right? And while two days ago I wanted to eat everything I could get my hands on, today and yesterday I have had to force myself to eat. I just know that is related to hormones.

Emotionally, I am feeling great. Today was such beautiful weather, that you couldn't help but be in a good mood. And we had a new storm door installed yesterday, so I was able to leave the main door open today, which meant the living room was flooded with light. And since it's one of those doors where you can move the screen up and down, I used the screen all day and it just felt like Spring! I just love thinking about a new season being here. It's just something different, you know? And different is exactly what I need.

Some thoughts

I can't thank you enough for all your great advice on my last post and my endless questions. I have calmed down completely about the progesterone issue. I clearly had it drawn late, and I have never once been told I have low progesterone, so I am not concerned. It is in God's hands, so my worrying does no good anyways!

I am relaxing this afternoon. I cleaned this morning, planned out meals for the next week-and-a-half and made a grocery list. Does anyone love doing that as much as I do? (The meal planning, not cleaning!) I love it and I am so thankful that I can put so much time into it, since it is one of my primary duties. I know those of you with jobs have to juggle it along with everything else, so it is probably more stressful under those circumstances. I have so much respect for those of you who do it all; we ate a lot of frozen meals in a bag when I worked full time. I am just so thankful that it is something I can now focus on and enjoy.

So I have finished taking my Tamoxifen this cycle. Other than what might have been one hot flash in the middle of the night on cycle day four, I had no side effects at all, including no abdominal pain this time (last cycle I had some pain on the left side while taking it). I also have continued to see peak-type mucus, which I guess is good. I find it somewhat interesting that I didn't work my way up to peak-type mucus this time and just started it right away on cycle day six. I am not going to worry about it, though. Having good quality mucus early is better than having hardly any good quality mucus at all.

Emotionally, I am doing well. I have been trying to reflect on how I handled starting a new cycle last week. I so desperately wanted to ride out the storm with my hope and faith in tact, and, to be honest, I'm not really sure how I did. I mean, it wasn't a normal cycle. I was at my parents' house for my grandmother's sudden funeral. Ryan wasn't with me and I couldn't really react as I normally would. I definitely despaired and the main thought racing through my mind at my lowest point was the usual, I just can't do this anymore (I know, that thought is so useless because, really, what does it mean? But in the moment it is so real. It hurts so badly and I can't imagine myself enduring that pain for years to come). Yes, I believe that thought is a sign of despair, but it was also a prayer. I was saying it to God and while it may have shown weakness, I don't believe it shows a complete lack of faith. It may show a momentary lack of trust in his ultimate plan for me, but it was also me being honest to my Father in a time of deep pain. Asking him to rescue us is, in itself, a sign of our faith.

I am not trying to pat myself on the back; quite the contrary - I think I could have reacted so much better than I did. And, if God wills, I will have another chance in a few weeks to redeem myself and ride out the storm a little better (every time I write that I can't help but picture the scene from last night's episode of Lost, when they were all padding in the pouring rain). 

During my grandmother's funeral Mass on Saturday, I began to think about how the grief we suffer each cycle is similar to how we mourn the passing of a loved one. We are, on some scale, mourning a monthly death - the death of a dream and, in a way, the death of a child we were not given to carry that month. We probably even go through the stages of grief in a sped-up fashion (shock, pain, anger, depression, etc.). It occurred to me during that Mass that through this monthly "death," we are able to uniquely unite ourselves to Christ's experience on Calvary. We are given a glimpse - an opportunity - to feel an ounce of his pain.

I think that is a gift. It is also a burden, because we all know it isn't easy. And the unimaginable pain that Christ experienced on the cross was also a burden on him, to say the least. But I have to bear the weight of this, just as Christ did, and find joy in knowing that I have been given a little peak into the heart of the one I love so much.

And perhaps experiencing an ounce of his pain will remind me to remain faithful to him. I have a novena that talks about the suffering Christ experienced on the cross for all the lukewarm souls. I pray that I am never again one of those people.

So that's what I am thinking about today. I am also about to go lay down because I just started getting dizzy. Did I mentioned I am so blessed to be a stay at home wife? (I spent many a time laying on the floor of offices when I didn't feel well). Before I do that, though, I will check the adoption agency's website for the tenth time today to see if our picture is up yet.

I also just wanted to add that a few minutes ago I found out that my youngest sister will lose her teaching job after this year. Please say some prayers for her if you get a chance.

Permeating confidence

I think my positive attitude has taken over. It's not that I'm happy-go-lucky 24 hours a day or anything (just ask my husband about a certain muffin fiasco yesterday...let's just say he experienced my wrath when he didn't add the baking powder to the batter and wasted two batches of muffins. Yes, you read that right. He was making muffins for me and I yelled at him), but my confidence that I will conceive has permeated me. My default thought is that I will get pregnant. 

I can't describe how huge that is for me, but most of you can relate, I'm sure. I just decided that I shouldn't ask God for something when I doubt he will give it to me. If that's what I think, then why bother asking?

I'm not saying I don't expect hard times ahead. I was just saying yesterday to Lifehopes that I feel as if I will have some failed cycles in the near future. I don't know if it's theologically sound to say I think God wants to test me, but I do think he wants to see what I'm made of, or, at least, he wants me to see what I'm made of. I think he wants me to weather a few storms with my new positive attitude so I can learn how to stay hopeful as the darkness sets in, something I really haven't done yet.

I just know that a pregnancy is ahead of me, whether that means in a few weeks or a few years.

Sew Infertile, in one of her posts, compared her prayer life to yo-yo dieting and I couldn't agree more! As I type this, I worry that this surrendering to God and this confidence in him will not last much longer. I know myself, after all. But I can't think like that. It isn't all or nothing. I might fall off the wagon, but that doesn't mean I can't get right back on. 

And, speaking of diets, if I can be so completely on board with my diet, then why can't I apply that same will power to this? I DON'T yo-yo diet, so I won't yo-yo pray.

I have also stepped up my prayer life. Nothing huge, but I pray at the hour of divine mercy, 3 o'clock. I say the chaplet and some other prayers, including a novena. Then, before we go to bed, we pray more. We say some beautiful prayers I found in a little book I've had for several months, but never opened. I think sometimes we read things, or open things, at just the right time. 

I'm a strong believer in the concept that God likes us to meet him half way. Now, I know that God doesn't have to do that, he can - and does - do anything he wants, so there are always exceptions to that rule. But, for me, I have the most success, spiritually, when I put forth an effort. It makes sense, right? And sometimes I think I'm putting forth an effort, but I'm lying to myself. I'm like that little girl throwing a fit in her bedroom, sobbing and yelling through the door, "But MOM! I AM in a better moooood! I'm going to behaaaaave!" instead of just actually calming down. I think that's how I spent a great deal of my childhood.

This happened when I went through my conversion four and a half years ago. I felt like I was banging my head against the wall for the first year. I wanted so desperately to be at that next level, to fully believe in God and be a faithful Catholic, but it just wasn't clicking. I still had doubts, although I didn't want to have them. I prayed and prayed, and nothing. 

Looking back, clearly, anything but nothing was going on. So much was happening. But it wasn't until I stepped out of myself and really put forth an effort that I found myself where I wanted to be. I stopped going through the motions, and I started actually living out what I previously only said I did. I threw every part of myself into the act of believing, and while uncomfortable, it paid off. Before I knew it, I did believe with my whole heart. It kind of just happened. And not in a I-tricked-myself-into-believing sort of way. No, I now understood what people talked about when they said they knew God (something I resented before because I'd never experienced it). He was present in my life and I was aware of that for, really, the first time.

On one hand, you could say that I was just too lazy to do the actual work involved in the conversion God was clearly calling me to and that while I wanted it more than anything in the entire world, my humanness and sinfulness was keeping me from obtaining it. And that it wasn't until I got off my behind and met him half way, did things change. 

But on the other hand, you could also say that God used that time as part of my conversion. After all, is it a conversion if we don't have to do any of the work and don't have to improve ourselves? Is it as rewarding if he just carries us up the cliff, as opposed to us climbing it? 

I think I can apply that to my life now. On one hand, I can say that while a baby is now what I want more than anything else in the whole world, for the first four years I kind of dragged my heels and wanted it magically fixed for me. I was that little girl frantically crying, "God! Pleeeeaaaase! I'm suffering, I'm praying, I've learned everything you have wanted me to learn from this! I swear I have! I'm ready for you to bless me with a pregnancy!" I wasn't really trying, but I liked to tell him I was!

Now, I hope, I am beginning to be that calm girl who has collected herself and is politely waiting for her mother (or father, in this case) to come retrieve her from the room*.

On the other hand, I don't think I was ready until now and God knew I needed that entire experience. God wanted me to use these years to grow and I hope I have. The individual experiences, at the time, may have seemed useless, but they have all added up to be a priceless journey and one that I hope, one day, I will say I wouldn't trade for anything in the world (I'm not quite there yet). 

I don't pretend to know why this experience was necessary for me and not for someone else, but I do know that God knows us all individually and I trust that he knows what is best for us all. 

I know I still may have a long road ahead of me, but I am thankful for this time of trust, no matter how long it might last (I've heard coming down from the ovulation drugs can be especially hard, so I might need to re-read this in about two-and-a-half weeks!). It's been sort of like a break - from the constant worry, anger and frustration - and we can all use a break, right?

*Please know that I am not implying at all that infertility is a punishment. Rather, the way I've handled my suffering is, at times, as if I am throwing an outright fit.

Adoration and medication

I just came from adoration. I have never been more confident that I am supposed to spend this time of waiting suffering gracefully, and graciously, and absorbing everything that God wants me to learn. I want to give myself over to him completely and for him to allow us to follow only his path, whatever that may be. I told the Lord tonight that although I fail miserably at this every day, to have mercy on me and I will continue to do my best.

But, seriously, I am pathetic. Do you know how long it's been since I prayed a Rosary? And I choose the computer or television over prayer every day. But then, when I need him, I turn to God, begging him to deliver me from my suffering. When it's convenient for me, I pray for myself and maybe throw in some prayers for all of you and anything else that crosses my mind. What is wrong with me? I need to overhaul things in a big way.

I dreamed I was pregnant last night. I'd never done that before. I've dreamed of babies, which may or may not have been mine, but never of being pregnant. In my dream it was very early on, and although I'd like to say it had the potential to be realistic, it did not. I was seeing my doctor (not my real doctor) in what looked like a college dorm room. The only thing I remember is I was sitting on a bed with a friend next to me and the "doctor" told me I was one and a half centimeters dilated. What!? I wasn't even showing yet! I looked around and there were women sitting on the other side of the bed, waiting for their appointments. It was very weird. I remember being very happy, though!

Today I took my last dose of Tamoxifen. I don't think I had any side effects, but I did have some heartburn the last two days and I got nauseous briefly tonight. I also had some pain on my left side near my ovary last night, and it was bad enough to take advil, which I hardly ever do (because I like to be completely aware of the pain). I had more pain there tonight, around the same time, but it wasn't nearly as bad and I didn't take anything this time. 

I've also been meaning to ask, does anyone know how I could get some more charts? I ran out, and I asked my instructor for more, but she's really busy and so I don't want to bother her again. I could make my own, which I will probably do, but I really wanted more Creighton ones. If anyone has any suggestions, like if I can buy them somewhere, please let me know.

Speaking of charting, today is cycle day seven. My chart looks like this so far:
1-L
2-H
3-M
4-VL 0AD
5-VL 0AD
6-0AD
7-VL 8B x2 (I'm not sure this is charted correctly)

I figure the spotting is due to the Tamoxifen and so I'm not concerned. I am excited for this cycle and if it is not THE cycle, then I will do my best to stay positive. Lord, have mercy on me!

Moving mountains

As I type, Ryan is getting his physical, one of the last remaining pieces to the adoption home study puzzle. Not the last, but one of the last. We still have to write our birthmother letter, get a letter from his employer and print out some form from the DMV website. Just things we have been putting off. Oh, and I have to get a TB shot.

Adoption still doesn't seem real. I'm very calm about it (perhaps too calm, as you may have noticed from all the remaining paperwork) and I'm pretty much trusting God and allowing his will to be done. It is so easy for me to do this with adoption, but so hard when it comes to trying to conceive.

But that is all about to change. Actually, it already has - starting on January first.

I am not a resolution sort of person, so this isn't one. This epiphany just happened to take place on the first of the year. We were making the 50-minute drive from my husband's parents' house to Lifehope's home. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I had borrowed the book-on-CD Left To Tell from her and since I was nearly finished, I figured we might as well finish it in time to give it back to her in person. Let me just say that this book is amazing. Immaculee Ilibagiza's story of spending three months hiding in a bathroom with several other women while the Rwandan genocide was going on outside is horrific, but her faith through it all is completely inspirational. This woman had the battle of good and evil raging in her mind as she spent nearly every waking moment praying. She fought off demons and was given great visions and messages from our Lord. She had moments of doubt, but she never collapsed into self-pity and never stopped trusting in God.

Of course, I listened to the book with my own struggles in mind. I wanted to perhaps adopt some methods for giving it all over to God. And I did - Immaculee's strength had already inspired me to be more positive and to trust that God would deliver. I had struggled with one thing, though - why had he saved her? I am certain other faithful Rwandans had prayed just as hard and with just as much faith as she did, but had been butchered by the Interahamwe. She does deal with this near the end of the book, by telling another refugee who wondered this very thing that God allowed them to live so they'd be left to tell their stories. It does remind us of the seemingly random manner in which God appears to answer prayers for some and not for others, why he gives the positive pregnancy test for some, while others will never experience that joy. I haven't thought enough about this yet for it to make complete sense to me, and I doubt it ever will, but I do feel very deeply that God doesn't want me to think about that. To think about the negative outcome that could happen is the devil whispering in my ear that God can't deliver, that he isn't who he says he is.

So as we were making the short trip north, we listened to the very end where Immaculee talks about her life since 1994. She had mentioned earlier in the story how positive thinking and envisioning God delivering her from the bathroom (even what the U.N. peacekeeper who they would take refuge with would look like) had played an important role in her story, but she went into even more detail in the epilogue. I won't say exactly what she prayed for, in case you want to read the book, but there are two things, in particular, that she discusses. She prayed fervently for each thing, but also envisioned it happening, even to the point of pretending, in a sense, that it had already happened. She trusted that the Lord would grant her prayer, but seemed to balance it with an acceptance of his ultimate will.

Both things she prayed for (and these are big things on par with pregnancy) came to be. We know that God calls us to have have faith that our prayers will be answered. As Christ says in Mark, Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. So, as soon as the book ended, Ryan and I began to discuss ways we could put this very thing into practice - starting that night.

As I've said before, I have felt very strongly that God has been calling me to have trust that he will answer my prayers. That has been the message I've been receiving on my heart throughout the fall and early winter. In adoration, when I read Scripture, whatever I am doing, it always comes back to that. And whenever I question Scripture passages about believing that your prayer will be answered (because millions of prayers go unanswered every day - and for very good reason, I know), I always feel confident that I am not supposed to think those thoughts. I am not supposed to contemplate it. I am supposed to leave it alone.

So we spent the rest of the ride to Lifehope's house and also the ride from her house to ours, thinking up ways to really, truly put this into practice. We decided to come up with names, and while I am not a naming ahead sort of person, I think this is important for us. It might seem a little weird to do this before you even conceive - even the idea of putting a baby's name on a cake at a shower makes me shudder (maybe I've stolen that from the Jewish religion.. don't they take great care to not write a baby's name before it's born?) - but we need to do tangible things that show we are confident our babies are headed to us. So we came up with more definitive names. They were basically the ones we were already going to go with, but now we will refer to them by name (but only to each other. And they could change - we are most definitely not locked in).

There are other things I still hope to incorporate into my daily routine. I want to write a prayer that I will say every morning, referring to my future babies, and thanking God for his future answer to our prayers. I will plan the nursery in my mind and clear out the room, so it will be all ready to decorate once I am pregnant.

We are also making changes in our attitude, which could be the most important changes of all. For instance, I will no longer refer to our potential to remain childless or make cracks about all the great things childless couples could do that I have no desire to do. I will not use the word barren, because I am not. I have eggs and a real-life doctor has declared that I do, in fact, ovulate. I also try to spend some time each day picturing myself getting the positive pregnancy test and then, later, a pregnant stomach. That concept has been has difficult in the past as envisioning myself with antlers.

There may seem to be a delicate balance between faithfulness and too much confidence, even appearing that we are telling God what to do and neglecting his will. I don't think that balance is too difficult to maintain when you are coming from the perspective of having no faith that your prayers will be answered. All I can say is I feel called to this, to have supreme confidence that the desires of our heart to be pregnant will be satisfied. I can barely type or think that thought without immediately thinking about the "what if?": sometimes God says "no", many faithful couples never conceive, etc., etc. I don't have a good, sound theological argument to back this up, but as I've said before, I just KNOW that I am not supposed to spend any time on those doubts.

Immaculee could have thought that she, too, would be murdered because, after all, why was she any better than the other hundreds of thousands of Rwandans killed? God had let her family, her friends, all die, so why should she have confidence that he would hide her? God promises to remain with us all, but God could be with her and the killers might still find her. The odds were most definitely on the side of the killers. She shouldn't have lived.

But she didn't let those thoughts creep in. She blocked them out because we are called to have faith that can move mountains. At one point, Jesus spoke to Immaculee, saying:

Mountains are moved with faith, Immaculée, but if faith were easy, all the mountains would be gone. Trust in me, and know that I will never leave you. Trust in me, and have no more fear. Trust in me, and I will save you. I shall put my cross upon the door, and they will not reach you. Trust in me, and you shall live.

If Immaculee had let those doutbing thoughts creep in, she probably would have died. She would have lost her spirit, her faith. She wouldn't have allowed the Holy Spirit to work through her, to come up with ideas of how to better hide the bathroom door. She might have given up a thousand different times. But she didn't. She trusted that God would save her, not just that she would be with our Lord in Heaven if the killers did reach her, but that God would blind the killers to seeing the door and would make their ears deaf to not hear them shaking and breathing.

I have been close to losing my spirit. And I am not naive enough to think that my new, positive attitude will mean that those days are over. If anything, things might get more difficult. I can imagine it will be even harder to endure months of failed cycles while trying to remain confident that a successful cycle in on the horizon. Just the other day I was in a bad mood, and my first inclination was to give up on my new attitude. That scared me, because it wasn't even a real bad day, it was just a momentary bad mood. I know the depths of depression can go much lower and I have to be ready to fight through that, not letting myself lose hope.

It would have been much easier for Immaculee to give up, and to let the devil move in. That is the road of least resistance, at least in the immediate future. Staying hopeful and confident that God will deliver is much harder, when all the signs are pointing toward him being no where to be found.

It is up to us to stay positive. I can still cry, but instead of letting the crying and disappointment turn into anger at God and doubt in his power, I cry with the Lord, uniting my suffering to his own. And I will cry on the shoulder of Our Lady, knowing that she is comforting me.

I really hope this new attitude doesn't crash and burn. I think my first test will be if it doesn't happen this cycle (I know that it might not happen right away, but it will happen), but, thankfully, I have my husband to keep me on track.

I have such high hopes that this is what God wants of us right now, but I will continue to pray for his guidance, that he put us on whatever path he has ahead of us. That's all that is important.

Magical thinking

Happy New Year's Eve! We are getting ready to visit my in-laws for the next two days. And I'll also have a chance to see Lifehopes and, hopefully, her new puppy!

I'm doing good. Trying to keep the positive attitude going! I had a mini-breakdown yesterday but I picked myself back up, starting working on things on my to-do list, and immediately started feeling better.

Once again my cycle is seeing changes. I am now on day 14 of my luteal phase, the longest I've gone since I started charting. They are normally eleven days, a couple were twelve, and earlier this year, after my surgery, they were even shorter. No, I do not think I am pregnant. I feel pre-menstrual and I know it will come at any point. The only reason I am even posting about it is because I'm trying not to let superstitions get the best of me. At the end of my cycles, I always post that it hasn't come yet, then get it right afterwards. So, my tendency would be to not post today, to ward it off. But because I know that way of thinking is insane and possibly even worth confessing, I am forcing myself to post. God isn't going to put off a new cycle simply because I DIDN'T POST ABOUT IT ON MY BLOG! He is in control, not me. I am trying to combat those superstitions by posting, to show God that I know that it is up to Him and not some magical thinking. I have always had a tendency toward magical thinking.

That being said, a 13 day luteal phase - or longer - will be nice. Not that my 11 or 12 day ones weren't good. My doctor just told me on Monday that are perfectly fine. But isn't one day longer even better? Maybe not. But at the very least it shows that things are still changing, hence the reason (perhaps) that I haven't conceived yet. Hormones are still shifting and fixing themselves and haven't settled down yet. Things are still getting even healthier. The body taking a lot of time to heal is always one of the themes of my doctor's appointments. Somehow that is so easy for doctors to realize but much harder for us patients to understand.

I have been struggling with some faith questions that I will post more about here soon. Mainly, how to have hope and faith that our specific prayer will be answered when we know that for some people, it is not. I know, that's nothing new. I've written about it here a million times. I just always come back to it. I do feel as if the Holy Spirit has filled me with a new desire to ask big things of God and trust that he can and will deliver, but that voice in my head is always whispering, But some people pray and pray and never conceive. What about them? While that statement is most certainly true, I think that might be the devil pushing me to doubt God and his awesome power.

But that is a topic for another time. I also wanted to share with you a blog I found through Just Another Catholic Mom. It's the blog of a woman who passed away on Christmas Eve, and it pulled my heart out this morning as I sat here and sobbed as I read it. While her struggle is very different from that of infertility, it is clear she had a lot to teach all those who suffer. I think I can learn a lot from her words about finding joy in the darkness (a column she wrote about it weeks before her death can be found here). For me, personally, reading all this (at the very least) will help to soften the blow of starting a new cycle today. It really puts things into perspective and reminds me that I have so much. Not that our time here on earth is the end all be all - she is in Heaven where we all desire to be - but it reminds me that the time we have been given to do His work is short and it shouldn't be wasted wallowing in sadness. I hope I can find joy in my darkness, if that is where I find myself the next few days.

Bad day

Right after my earlier post today, my day went from bad to worse.

First, the UPS truck pulled up outside seconds after I clicked "publish." I was so excited. It was a bridesmaid dress from J.Cr.ew for my sister's wedding. She wanted to order it to see what we thought, but I had already fallen in love with it and was secretly getting my hopes up pretty high that she'd choose it. Without having much good in my life to focus on these days, this stupid dress arriving was like my light at the end of the tunnel.

I know, silly. And a recipe for disaster.

It wasn't the dress. I knew as soon as Ryan handed me the box that it was way too heavy to be the 1.8 pound package (yes, I checked the tracking information so much I had it memorized). My beautiful light blue strapless dress (with the cutest pockets!) was actually a man's coat. And to add insult to injury, upon calling the company we learned what I could have already guessed - it was now completely sold out.

Let's just say I had a melt down. Over something as trivial as a dress, you ask? Yes, and while I may not be proud of it, I will be honest. I cried like a baby over a missing dress.

I was, of course, crying about more than the dress. I was really crying because the dress represented something I had put my hopes in (how pathetic I am). In the midst of my sorry life and my struggles in a world full of fertile people, I decided to look forward to receiving a stupid package, something that could brighten my day, and J.Cr.ew screwed me. The story of my life.

So after speaking with the company and ordering another color that was still available (there are two colors that would have worked), I calmed down. I got all dressed and ready to go shopping with my husband and as he sat in the car waiting for me to go to the bathroom quickly before we left, I discovered that yet another cycle had come to an end.  Just. my. luck.

I got in the car and broke the news. We attempted to talk about it, but it was mainly me just giving bleak ultimatums - I want to give up...We are being silly to keep trying like this...We need to move on with our lives...God has decided I am not worthy of children and you made the poor decision to marry me - while he tried to have some hope. And, by the way, when I say I want to give up, I don't mean that this is just too much and I can't take it so let's give up. Oh no. I would try through menopause if it were up to me. I just suddenly felt like maybe we are being foolish to think we have a chance, like everyone is laughing at us, and that perhaps God wants us to move on and start coming to terms with being infertile. 

Then that led into my worse fear and what can cause me to cry whenever I think about it - the thought that there's a good chance that my time on this earth will pass without biological children. That my one go-around here will be without the joy of pregnancy, the experience of child birth, taking care of a newborn that is a complete mix of me and my husband. We get one shot at life and I will be missing out on perhaps the most important part of it - creating more life.  It is too much for me to contemplate. Thankfully, my mind blocks out the severity of the thought most of the time, but not today.

The main thing I couldn't get out of my head was that I just don't know how I will live the rest of my life in this world - a world full of fertile people, babies, pregnant women. I just don't think I have enough energy to do it and I don't want to do it. It is just too hard.

My poor, poor husband, because I just kept repeating, "I can't go on living in this world."

Please, please, PLEASE don't think I'm being suicidal here. That is not what I am saying at all, of course. It's just that I can't go on like this. Something has to give. Either I have to live on a deserted island, or I have to change my outlook. At this point, the island idea is looking pretty nice.

Oh, and I almost forgot - this cycle was completely messed up. It took a HUGE step backwards. My luteal phase was eleven days, but if you count yesterday's day of spotting as day one (which I'm pretty sure Creighton does...am I right?), then my luteal phase was ten days. Since it had been twelve days the past couple cycles, and I was hoping for even longer this time around, this was an enormous blow. Also, the fact that I had spotting is in itself a step backwards. So much for putting my hopes in getting healthier! Because of course I can't get pregnant, but now improved cycles are even too much to ask for! 

I'm feeling a little better now (despite the tone of this post, believe it or not). We had a good time shopping (I was supposed to be buying Christmas gifts for others, but instead I purchased a present for myself from my mother and picked out something from my husband for me as well...very successful trip!), and it got my mind off of things. And I guess I just realized tonight that there's nothing I can do about it. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying to will my body to change. I'm exhausted, actually. So at least for this moment, I'm all cried out. I'm trying not to think about it. But I'm sure I'll cry more tomorrow.

He makes all things new

I just wanted to share with you a song I love, that makes me tear up. It's really beautiful, and although it's not intended to, it can totally relate to infertility (I know, shocking that something reminded me of infertility). 

Specifically, the line "you make all things new" really speaks to me about God's healing power. Those of us struggling with this all want to be made new right now - whether that means our bodies, our hearts, or our whole lives. This song reminds me that we will be made new - our lives will change and the suffering will be replaced with joy. That's what God does, and what he wants to do for us.

Here's the passage from Revelations:

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth. The former heaven and the former earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. I also saw the holy city, a new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, God's dwelling is with the human race. He will dwell with them and they will be his people and God himself will always be with them (as their God). He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain, (for) the old order has passed away." The one who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new." Then he said, "Write these words down, for they are trustworthy and true.” He said to me, "They are accomplished. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give a gift from the spring of life-giving water.” (Revelation 21:1-5)

God will always be with us. He will wipe every tear from our eyes. He makes all things new.

Trapped

I'm not doing good today. Tonight or tomorrow will be day one of a new cycle, it just depends if my body wants to be kind enough to let my luteal phase go eleven days or not. Today is eleven days past ovulation, so hopefully it can hold off til the morning. I'm also hoping I don't see any spotting today, so at least ONE thing can go right in my life. How utterly pathetic that not SPOTTING is my equivalent to winning the lottery.

As you can probably tell, I'm upset. I just feel completely trapped by my life. I don't want to be this person - an infertile, childless, 31-nearly-32-year old who has been trying for four-plus years. But that's where I find myself.

Normally, I try to make the best of it. I block out certain comments, ignore things on t.v., become successfully numb to the image of happy mothers with their little kids who I see every...where...I...go. But, as you all know, some days you lose your ability to "handle" it all.

But the joke is on me, because there's nothing I can do about it. There's no option other than to live with it and keep going, no matter how much it feels like you can't breathe. And that's why I feel completely trapped.

Meaning it

Boy, am I antsy tonight. And bored. And these feelings usually lead to one thing - sadness. I started a post earlier today in which I wrote that I felt so much better, which I did at the time. By this evening, though, I started to feel down again.

I think the problem is that I got up at the crack of dawn. It was literally still dark out! I know, I know, this is an everyday occurrence for probably most of you. I don't expect any sympathy. But since my husband doesn't get home from work until after 11:30 p.m., that means a long day of doing nothing for me.

I shouldn't say nothing. The reason I woke up early was to pray outside the abortion clinic at 7 a.m.. Then I came home and cleaned the kitchen and even the toilet. That's big for me. I'm not, shall we say, a daily or weekly cleaner. I usually put it off until we have visitors coming or until I just can't take it anymore. Today was a day I couldn't take it anymore.

Then my sick husband decided he was well enough to go to work (thank God! I was afraid he'd be worse today, with possibly a full-blown stomach bug). Since he left I've just been relaxing and growing increasingly bored. And antsy. I don't have anything to do today, we have no money for grocery shopping, and we're having leftovers tonight so there's nothing to cook.

Don't get me wrong. I am a professional relaxer. I'm not usually one to need productivity in my life. I know this isn't exactly a good thing, but at the same time I wouldn't exactly say I've entered seven-deadly-sin territory. So the fact that today I actually wasn't happy with all the free time on my hands was rather odd.

So that's where I am now. Antsy. And bored. And finding myself leaning towards a tendency to be a little bit sad. You know, when all those terrible thoughts start floating around in your head - the I'm-ugly-I'm-useless-Everyone-has-a-baby-so-why-can't-I sort of thoughts. Definitely of the devil. Don't worry, I'm not really there yet. I'm okay. There have been zero tears and I haven't even complained to my husband (but he's still technically sick, so no complaining allowed).

Because my mood sometimes comes across a little dramatic in my writing, I think I need to have a color-coded alert system, like the Homeland Security Advisory System (yes, that's the technical name) so that you don't think I'm more distraught than I am. Using that scale - and let's call it the Infertile Stability Advisory System - I'm currently "guarded." Not bad.

So I need to stay busy to keep my mind off of those bad, bad thoughts (hence my current blogging). I need to ask God for patience, again. I need to ask him to help me find joy in the here and now. And I just need to pray.

Speaking of prayer, I have a prayer that I really like that I keep in my folder with all my Creighton charts. I try to say it every night after I chart for the day, and I have even posted it here before:

Father, I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me,
and in all your creatures -
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul:
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.

Last night while saying it, I sort of began asking myself some questions. Here is how the dialogue went (albeit a tad embellished, since I don't really carry on full two-sided conversations with myself, even though I'm sure you wouldn't have a hard time believing it if I told you I did):

Me (after reading prayer): Do you really mean what you're saying?

Me: It's a prayer. You just read it. So, yes.

Me: Okay, so those parts about surrendering completely to God, no matter what, you're okay with those?

Me: Of course. I'm always trying to do my best with that. It might be hard, but I'm trying.

Me: Are you? Really? When you read it, it isn't painful?

Me: Painful? I just read it. We're supposed to surrender, so, ya, whatever.

Me: What if you made this prayer a little more specific for our situation, and actually say out loud the full statements pertaining to infertility. How do you feel now?

Me: Like crap! I can barely read it! This is painful.

So that's a little how it went, but pretty sped up and in my head. You get the picture. And it was painful. Here's the first part of the prayer again, with the new parts I added in red:

Father, I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will, no matter what that means for my infertility.
Whatever you may do, I thank you, even if that means I never get pregnant:
I am ready for all, no matter what you plan for my family, I accept all.

I think I sometimes (a lot of times) say things without truly meaning them in my heart. I just tear through a prayer like this, without it really resonating. It becomes to empty. I can say "do with me what you will" a hundred times and not mean it. But what this prayer says is huge and unless I consciously add in my parts about infertility, I am able to ignore its deepness, and it does nothing for me. When I read it with my new parts, though, I am forced to confront what I am really saying to God. I have to face it head-on, and it hurts.

Now, if I pray this every night and try my best to truly mean it - and ask God to help me to truly mean it - hopefully the pain will slowly dissipate and one day I will truly mean it. I'm not there yet, that's for sure. But I think God is pleased that I'm trying.

Well, there are only about three and a half hours til my husband gets home, so the wait is manageable. And after writing this, and having a chance to work through my thoughts (via the miracle of blogging), I might even be bordering on "low" on the Infertile Stability Advisory System!

Have a great night. You are all in my prayers.

The calling of compassion

I heard something the other day that struck me, but before I say what it was, I should point out that I have no idea where I heard it. It could have been on one of your blogs (I apologize, if that is the case), on T.V., in real life, or maybe even in a dream. I have a hazy memory of it with images, so I'm leaning towards T.V. or dream.

So, anyways, a man was talking about a woman who had gone through some sort of struggle and said that at least it allowed her to have compassion for others. That, of course, got me thinking.

I'm always wondering why God wants me to bear this cross. The "why" has been so important to me. I wonder if I'll find out one day, if I'll look back on it years from now and it will all make sense, or if I won't have answers until I'm in heaven, if I'm blessed enough to make it there. But what if the answer all along was that I'm going through infertility in order to have compassion for others, and nothing else?

At first it might sound simple, too simple to be the answer we might want to hear. It always seems better when I imagine that this is all part of some grand plan of God's, one that has several layers and intricate associations. But it may, in fact, be just about compassion. And isn't that enough?

If God were here today and asked me himself to go through infertility just to have greater compassion for others, would I say no? Would I tell him that was silly? Or try to convince him there was another, easier, way to learn that same compassion?

The truth is he is here today, asking that of me. And quite often I tell him no, it's not a good enough reason. But I think I need to start thinking about it from his perspective.

According to an online dictionary, the definition of compassion is the "sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it."* It's not just a matter of having sympathy, but the desire to actively alleviate the suffering of others.

Christ gave us the ultimate example of compassion. He died on the cross for our sins to alleviate our ultimate suffering. With that in mind, when he says 'take up your cross and follow me', he's asking us, among other things, to have the same profound desire to alleviate the sufferings of others as he did. In this sense, taking up our cross means more than just being patient or not complaining, it means actively helping to alleviate the suffering of others.

Most of us are probably already doing this by chance, just out of the sheer need to help ourselves. I didn't set out to blog in order to help anyone else, but rather for selfish reasons - to find out information about, at that time, my upcoming surgery (and it's debatable if my rants and complaining help anyone anyway). But is there any one of us who wouldn't sit and counsel someone with infertility who wants our help? Do those of us who have discovered NaPro not want to shout it from the rooftops so others can discover it, too? It's now a natural response to helps others, because we know just how much this hurts.

But not until just now did I even think of compassion in the sense that it may be what we are called to by God. It may be the reason for all of this.

So is it enough? Would I be satisfied if God, himself, were to tell me the sole reason for my infertility is for me to feel compassion towards others and to, along the way, possibly help alleviate some of their suffering? Well, it'd be easy to tell him yes to his face, since it'd be a miraculous experience and all! But more importantly, is it enough of a reason if there is no miraculous experience, and this journey of infertility never makes sense otherwise? The answer has to be yes. We are called to follow Christ and to love our fellow man. And if God sees fit to give me a heart for doing just that, then who am I to complain?


*There's also an interesting link to the latin root pati. It means suffering, and is found in both the words 'patience' and 'compassion'. Isn't that neat? I didn't really know either of those words were connected to suffering before suffering became such a big part of my life!

Making the most of a bad mood

Things can change so quickly. One second I'm in a fabulous mood having made a few great sale purchases this afternoon (including a pair of pants at G.ap for $4.97! What's not to be happy about that?) and then the next second I am down in the dumps. I'm in one of those 'why me?' moods, which is always fun.

But...I am going to use this as a learning experience. It's a great chance to put into action everything that I always talk about - trusting in God, drawing closer to Him, using suffering as an opportunity for growth. I always seem to talk about these things when I'm in a great mood and conveniently forget them when I'm depressed. It usually goes a little like this: Whoa is me. I'm so sad. I can't think straight. I can't do anything but sit here and think of all the bad things about my life, mainly that I'm BARREN. And I'm ugly and no one loves me.*

You get my point. So instead of falling into that rut, I am going to go into the office and get my Bible. Any time now. As soon as I finish this typing this. And, no, I'm not putting it off by posting about suffering well instead of actually suffering well. Okay, here I go. I'll update my progress shortly.

Update: Well I already feel better, even though I put off reading the Bible for about two hours (I did hem some pants, though). I calmed down as soon as I decided to view my suffering as an opportunity, rather than a curse. What a great chance to just crawl humbly to God and beg for His help. Knowing myself, if things were going great and moving right along like I wanted, I probably would forget all about God. Of course I'd still go to Mass, but without deep suffering, I'd probably never approach Him like I need to now.

I basically just skimmed through the Bible, but it did help. I always try to find something I can relate to infertility (big surprise). Tonight, something that struck me were all the healing stories in the Gospels. I've read these many, many times before, always selfishly looking for some clue to bring about my own healing, of course. What I realized tonight, though, (and I know this is obvious, but sometimes it's the obvious thing that pops out to you in a new way) is that it all comes back to faith. Every single healing story is about faith.

Now, I'm definitely not saying if I try harder to reach some level of superior faith that I'll get pregnant; my healing may come as spiritual or emotional healing. I just feel like I have not fully prepared myself to be open to God's healing powers, no matter what form they come in. I still want things my way. I don't have faith that God's path is the right way. Deep down, I think I sometimes wonder if God has just forgotten about me and my life has veered off in the wrong direction while He wasn't watching. Not until I trust that He has purposely laid out this path for me, and that He has blessed it and is walking it with me, will I be able to say I truly have faith. Right now, I know this in my head, but it hasn't sunk in to my heart just yet.

It's just something to ponder.

*Speaking of no one loving me...If, in the heat of battle, you tell someone you hate them, should you go to confession before you take communion again? Someone I know said it in a fight because their hormones were going nuts and obviously didn't mean it, even though they told the other person they did, in fact, mean it. They actually love their husband very, very much. I'm serious, though. Is this a mortal sin? This person does plan to go to confession very soon. They promise.

Infertility myth busting

Well things have been busy lately. My husband's birthday was Monday and we've been to two Mets games in two days and are planning a third for next week. Let's just say I'm not too happy with them and I'm really hoping we don't see a third loss next Tuesday. I won't say anything more about it because I'm still pretty depressed, but it is nice to be depressed about something much more trivial than infertility for once!

That's not to say my infertility-related depression has lessened, because it has not. Actually, I feel a little better this morning, but other than that, it has been going strong for almost two weeks now. I'd like to think it is hormones, especially because the last few days I've also had a mild, yet constant, feeling of anxiety. No reason for it, it's just there. The only thing I can possibly relate the anxiety to, and I'm still guessing here, is my husband's birthday. It made me realize I'll also be turning 32 in less than four months and that seems really old. Like almost-half-way-to-forty old. And it's not getting old in and of itself that causes me anxiety (well, a little), it's getting old when we still have no children. Never in my life did I think I'd be this age without kids. Never did I think I'd be an "old" parent. The other part of that is, I don't feel old. At all. I actually still feel like a kid, in part, I think, because we don't have any of our own.

I've also been thinking a lot lately about the negative thoughts that are on constant repeat in my brain. I've just been letting them run wild and I'm pretty sure they've been contributing to my demise. When I actually stop and think about what I'm thinking about, it often turns out the thoughts are either untrue, misinformed, or just plain screwed-up logic.

Since they are probably the very same thoughts that some of you have from time to time, I thought I'd lay them all out and debunk them.

Myth #1

If other people who get pregnant consider themselves blessed, then my lack of a pregnancy must mean that I'm un-blessed.

Alright, I'm not sure 'un-blessed' is a word, but you get my point. It seems like every time I read about a pregnancy on a blog, or hear about one in real life for that matter, the mother-to-be refers to it as a blessing. I'm not saying a pregnancy is not a blessing; of course it is! But you know how sometimes a child will get jealous when their sibling is praised by their parents and they're not? Like the lack of praise makes them feel like they're being told they're not good? Well, that's kind of how I feel. When others are given 'praise' from God, or blessings in the form of a pregnancy, it makes me feel like I'm not worthy of praise, which makes me feel like I must be doing something wrong.

We all know that a parent's praise of one sibling doesn't necessarily have any reflection on another sibling's behavior, and I know how messed up my logic is. At least a kid has the excuse of being, well, a kid! I'm a grown up and I still feel this way. I should be able to see that our parent, God, is able to bestow blessings upon others without it being a reflection on me. Just as our siblings received birthday presents on their birthdays and we sat and watched (I actually never had a problem with that as a kid!), I should observe others receiving 'presents' from God in the same way. It is their time, not mine. And I receive blessings in other forms that they may not. Although, they may even receive the very same blessings as me on top of their 'big' blessing, and that should be fine too!

It should all come back to the idea that God's plan for me is His plan for me. No one else. His plan is perfect and my lack of a pregnancy is part of that. Their blessings, their children, their good fortune has nothing to do with me. One is not contingent on the other. My lack of a pregnancy for so many, many, many years (kidding) could play a super important role later in life, or I may never know the reason until, God willing, I reach eternity. But we have to trust that if He loves us more than we can imagine, if He has the ability to make anything happen, and is not making this happen, then there must be an AMAZING reason.

Myth #2

If I trust God, I will get pregnant.

I should trust God. I know this. Everyone tells me to trust God with this whole infertility thing, and it is one of my most often repeated mantras. But the notion can easily become misconstrued in my brain to mean if I trust God I will get pregnant.

Now, no one really says this in so many words, but I do think some people believe it and imply it. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the story 'As soon as I gave everything over to God I got pregnant that very month!' All stories like that do is make me feel more like a failure. I think I'm trusting God, but a pregnancy still alludes me, so I must be doing something wrong; my version of trust must not be right. Or - Oh, if I could only trust God the right way, then He'd answer my prayers! These thoughts are just plain wrong.

Trusting God is not some easy way out; it's not some golden ticket to answered prayers. I should trust God, but not because trusting Him means I will conceive. That's not the way it works. I need to trust God because He is our all-knowing creator and wants the best for us, and I should trust Him no matter what His plan, no matter what the outcome. In a way, you could say I need to trust God even more so if a pregnancy doesn't happen, because then in my confusion and despair I will really, truly need to rely on Him.

I also shouldn't worry whether I am trusting 'the wrong way' or 'the right way.' If we approach God with an open heart and ask Him to help us trust, I believe He will help us. I don't think we need to waste too much time worrying about the degree of our trust. After all, He doesn't want us to spend time worrying about anything.

The need to trust in a situation like infertility is critical. The advice given to us to trust the Lord is sound advice. But we just can't let ourselves twist it around to mean something else, which will only make us more upset in the end.

Myth #3

If I embrace the cross, I won't feel sad.

Ever since the notion of embracing the cross was first introduced to me, I've been attempting to do it. It sounds great on the surface - anything that will lessen my pain and suffering and bring me joy sounds fantastic. I don't want to cry and moan, so bring on the cross! But because it's not as easy as literally hugging a life-size cross for a certain amount of time each day in my living room, I've been kind of lost with exactly what it means. I'm not very good with these somewhat abstract ideas.

So I tried my best. I thought long and hard about it. I asked God to help me. I tried to change my heart and be more positive. I watched my thoughts and what came out of my mouth about infertility. At one point I felt as if I had arrived - I was embracing the cross and even felt a sense of peace. Then bam! I suddenly felt myself slipping into a depression a few weeks ago. But I'm embracing the cross, I cried. I shouldn't feel sad!

I was sure I had failed. Either I had stopped embracing or had never truly embraced it to begin with. But I knew in my heart I still trusted, I was still embracing, so what had gone wrong?

The truth is, embracing the cross doesn't mean the suffering ends. It actually means quite the opposite: We are opening ourselves up to the same suffering Christ so fully exemplified for us on the Cross. He embraced his cross, but did that make it easier? No! He downright suffered. He carried that heavy cross, battered and beaten, and he died a horrible death. He suffered physically as well as emotionally, as everyone screamed at him, taunted him, humiliated him. By embracing it, he endured it for a higher purpose. We can imagine that it brought him a sense of peace, but it did not make the mocking any less painful, the nails any less excruciating. It is how we endure the pain and suffering that makes the difference. When we embrace the cross we experience the pain, but we are assured it is meaningful. We are telling God that we are willing to die to ourselves, on our cross, to live wholly for Him.

When we embrace the cross we will still feel sad, and the depression may come and go. I think it is during those down times that we really need to stick close to our cross and remember that it is how we suffer that is important. We can cry, but we shouldn't feel self-pity. We can pray, ask our Lady and the saints for assistance, and even cry out to God. But we shouldn't give up, we shouldn't turn our backs on Him and lose trust altogether. It's going to be hard, and for some it may be harder than for others, but He is always there to help us through it.

In the end, I need to remember that getting pregnant is not up to me. I can't earn it. I can't will it to happen. I can ask God for it, but it is not a reward to be given to the deserving. I also can't cause it to not happen. I can't lessen my chances of conceiving and I can't do something wrong in the eyes of God to leave me infertile. Pregnancy is not only for the skilled pray-ers or the really devout. Bad people get pregnant and so do good people, atheists, murderers and saints. And just the same, there are people in every imagineable category who are infertile as well. Those who have graduated from infertility into pregnancy have not found some special key to unlock some magical door. And if that turns out to be us some day, that does not mean that we, too, have found the right combination of words, novenas, or actions to finally deem us worthy of a pregnancy.

Infertility can really play with our heads. It leaves us questioning our every action, doubting our value, and doubting God. But the truth is that our future is God's perfect plan for us, created out of love. And that's all that matters.

Tough time

I'm not doing well today. It is hard to live in a world where the reality is that not everyone is excited about being pregnant. The idea that someone could see a pregnancy as a burden, a punishment, an inconvenience, a negative, is just too much for me to bear. I know others have problems too, and they could be suffering just as much as me for an opposite reason (I'm surprised I can even admit that right now), but I can't help that it makes me feel like I've been punched in the gut.

I'm also SO sick of pregnancy and birth announcements. I know that's not the kind thing to say, but I'm sorry. Sometimes you can take it and sometimes you can't.

My mood today is that I want to beg and plead with God to take this from me. I'm desperate. I know feeling and acting this way this doesn't help. Hopefully it will pass.

It's been a long road. I'm thankful that my good days now outnumber my bad, but a couple bad days a month are still incredibly hard. Will it be like this for the rest of my life? Will I be out of commission once a month? Will I always be caught off-guard by pregnancy announcements? Will it always sting? I can't imagine it not.

The reality is this is my life. I have been unable to get pregnant thus far. I am one of those women. No one plans for this. And on a side note, I hate hearing little kids being told they can achieve anything the want if they just put their minds to it. That's not true! If I ever am blessed enough to have children I will not be teaching them that lesson. Some things are unattainable and there's no use lying to them and putting those unrealistic expectations in their heads. Although I guess the joke is on me. Most people can acheive anything they want. Most people aren't infertile.

Please, God, help me to carry this cross. It is really heavy right now.

::

On a different topic, can I just say how thoroughly digusted I am by the liberal media? I'm always disgusted, but now it has risen to a new level. Oh. My. Goodness. Just when you think it can't get any lower or any more obvious. The dems are so scared of Palin helping McCain and the excitement her pick has created among Conservatives, that they have managed to completely wrangle the media (not that they're not always on their side) into trashing her twenty-four hours a day. I have had more than enough! All I want to do is watch the news because it's the start of the convention, but I can't escape the attacks. Well, they should be happy, because they've done a wonderful job of turning our attention towards exactly what they wanted. Her daughter's pregnant. She wasn't vetted enough. Have you heard her daughter's pregnant? And that the media doesn't believe she was vetted enough? (Because, you know, if the media doesn't know something is happening then it must not have really happened! Kind of like, if a tree falls and no one hears it, does it make a sound? I guess if the media doesn't hear it, then no!). It's so clear that they all FREAKED out on Friday and decided to put this little attack plan into motion (as my friend put it during Palin's speech on Friday, "Obama must be throwing up right now.").

Of course it's not a surprise that the dems would try this. It's politics. But I am just so saddened by the degree to which the media* goes along and gives it credence. I mean, the New York Times ran three anti-Palin stories on the front page! I know, I know. They've always been liberal. They'll always be liberal. So why am surprised? I don't know. It just shocks me every time. They're all shameful.

Here's a quote on this very topic from Newt Gingrich:

The media has figured out that she’s the greatest threat since Clarence Thomas because a conservative, professional, woman who’s attractive is an absolute mortal threat to the left’s ability to define and legitimize American politics and they’re going to come after her with everything they can get.

Okay. I feel a little better now.

Update - I hear Fred Thompson's speech is going to stick up for Palin. If it's true, I can't wait! I also heard a pollster say that American's don't like when the media attacks someone, especially when they relate to that person, and that this might end up back-firing on the democrats.

* FoxNews exluded, of course! I love how the only non-liberal network is considered to be conservative. Trust me, anyone in the media who doesn't buy into the bias is always considered to be right-leaning.

Signs from God

So today we're at Mass and, as usual, it's tough to see all the babies and pregnant women and families with seven and eight kids (by the way, I really resent that Mass is a place that makes me sad). Then I hear the responsorial psalm, which I thought really spoke to the struggle of infertility:

R. (cf. 16) The hand of the Lord feeds us; he answers all our needs.

The LORD is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger and of great kindness.
The LORD is good to all
and compassionate toward all his works.

R. The hand of the Lord feeds us; he answers all our needs.

The eyes of all look hopefully to you,
and you give them their food in due season;
you open your hand
and satisfy the desire of every living thing.

R. The hand of the Lord feeds us; he answers all our needs.

The LORD is just in all his ways
and holy in all his works.
The LORD is near to all who call upon him,
to all who call upon him in truth.

R. The hand of the Lord feeds us; he answers all our needs.

Isn't that great? He is near to all who call upon him. He answers all our needs. And he gives us food in due season.

At one point, I began to pray and I decided to just be honest with God and lay it all out on the table. I asked God if he could please let me know that he is really with me. Let me just say that I know this isn't the best way for a faithul Christian to behave and I even apologized to God for it. I told him I'm sinful and I'm weak and because of that, I am finding it difficult to blindly trust him. I told him if I am going to suffer through infertility, that I really needed to know that he is going to take care of me. And while I know that he is with me and will always take care of me, I just really needed to feel his presence. I needed comfort.

So fast-forward a bit and as we get up to leave after Mass, I ask my husband if he wanted to attend an inquiry session that was being held after Mass for people interested in starting RCIA (have I mentioned before that my husband isn't officially Catholic? That's another post). I have never pushed him to convert and so it wasn't a given that we'd attend this session. He said sure, so we went. Well, at one point during the session, one participant mentions how EWTN helped to introduce him to the Church, and a man running the meeting responded by saying that a couple, who was also there helping with the meeting, knows Mother Angelica personally so this participant should talk with them after if he'd like. Let's just say that my husband and I immediately perked up! I could see him glance my way but I resisted the urge to look at him and acted all cool (if you're not familiar with my blog, just know that we are trying to get a documentary we produced on EWTN and meeting someone with connections is BIG!).

My wonderful husband later told me that he knew right then that he needed to find a way to bring up our movie, and he did it in a really smooth way, I might add. Everyone was SO interested in it and started asking us tons of questions. So the man with ties to EWTN then asks me if I wanted the Pope to see it. WHAT??!! I'm like, ya, that'd be nice. And he's like, I can get it to him. WHAT??!! It turns out he is involved in research for something that I won't mention here for fear that something will come up in a google search, but something that the Church has a lot of interest in. I don't know his exact ties to the Pope, but I'm sure he is very connected to the Vatican through this work. So while in any other circumstance I'd be thrilled to meet someone who could help get my movie on EWTN, the Pope trumps that for sure! We are definitely getting him a copy of the movie at Mass next Sunday, and then it's in God's hands.

So, to make a long story short.. I'm not saying this is definitely going to work out, but what I do know is this is one way God has answered my prayers. And it is through these answered prayers (non-infertility-related prayers) that he is allowing me to feel his closeness. It's God's way of reminding me that despite my cries for a child seemingly going unanswered, he is still listening and still blessing me in other ways. And when I, in a moment of weakness and saddness, ask him to basically show me a "sign" (like a doubting Thomas), he does. God is truly amazing.

We closed the meeting with a prayer that nearly had me crying in front of everyone. It's a prayer of abandonement by Blessed Charles of Jesus, and it is perfect for those of us with infertility.

Father,
I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me,
and in all your creatures -
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul:
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your
hands without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.

Hopefully, one day soon, I can really believe these words with all my heart.

I want to end this post by asking for your prayers for a special intention. I can't go into details, but please pray that a friend of ours can find the Lord because this person is in a really bad place and needs God desperately, they just don't know it. Thanks, and you are all in my prayers as well!

Just about anything can make me feel barren

If I am ever lucky enough to actually get pregnant and have a child, please remind me never to make my profile picture on Fa.cebo.ok a picture of me and my baby. While there's nothing innately wrong with it, and I would have every right - even deserve - to do it, I will refuse to do so simply as a show of solidarity with my former, infertile, self. There is nothing that can make my mood go south more than scrolling through thumbnail photo after thumbnail photo of former classmates and their babies (actually, there is something worse - seeing photos of former classmates of my five-years-younger sister and their babies). Instead of a picture of them by their name, you'll find a photo of mom and newborn in the hospital, or one of mom and infant, or the entire happy family, or the always popular photo of just the baby, or - my personal fave - the parent with their seven-year-old (nothing drives my barreness home more than the reminder that I could have a child in the third grade).

I don't mean to sound bitter. It's not their problem, it's clearly mine. In no way, shape or form do I expect them to make decisions based on how it might affect someone with infertility. These people, of course, are normal and are just behaving normally. More power to them to do that on a social networking site. And I'm quite sure I'll even feel inclined to do so if I do ever have children. I'll probably want to show the world that I'm normal, too. But I'm pretty sure I'll always think of how it would have made my old infertile self feel. Darn infertility.

Speaking of things that infertility has robbed me of, my anniversary is quickly approaching. Unfortunately, instead of a celebration of four years of marriage, it will be a reminder that it has been four years since we first started trying to conceive. Just as two years sounded worse than one, and three sounded much worse than two, four sounds pretty bad. I hate that our anniversary has to be ruined by this, and while I know that ultimately I am in control of whether or not I enjoy the day, I can't help but associate the two things and that makes me mad.

So the thought that year four is almost officially here made me kind of depressed today. I decided, though, to use the experience constructively. I made sure to pray every time I felt the urge to get real down and I thought about suffering as a form of penance and all of that, which helped. Mainly, I tried to stop myself from taking it out on others (I'm not sure my husband will say I was successful). It was the first time I really put any kind of real effort into it "in the moment," so I guess it is at least a step in the right direction.

As for my cycle, it is day 13 and I've had about four or five days of peak-type mucus so far. Nothing too out of the ordinary, except I did have some pretty bad pain over the weekend and again last night. While in past months I had pain on my left side, this time it's on my right which makes me think it is possibly due to ovulation (but not necessarily in a good way.. I don't think healthy ovaries cause actual pain lasting several hours, do they?). Since there's nothing I can do about it, I am not spending too much time worrying about it. Putting time and energy into wondering what may be causing it isn't going to get me pregnant any faster.

Pleasing God

I have been doing fairly well lately, but tonight infertility is weighing heavy on my heart. In particular, I'm having, once again, a difficult time with the question of why so many families are blessed with many children while so many of the rest of us are left with none. While blog-hopping, I seemed to keep landing on blogs of huge Catholic families. I think sometimes these families are the most difficult for me to see and test me the most when it comes to jealousy.

I know we all have our own crosses to bear. I try to remind myself that these families with their photographs of beautiful, smiling children have problems of their own. Perhaps the parents had difficult childhoods, didn't have the love of parents that I did, or have dealt with serious illness in their lifetime. The truth is that everyone has varying degrees of suffering and some may not be called to suffer much at all. Whatever the case may be, it does me no good to compare my suffering to the sufferings of others. I am trying to stop questioning God and just let things be, but tonight I am failing.

It's just one of those times when I just can't believe this is happening to me. Like always, I'll tell myself that God is with me, even when it doesn't seem like he is. I'll tell myself that there is a plan, and not having children must be part of it. I'll tell myself that there is still hope, and I could be pregnant one day. It's just that I've been telling myself those things for nearly four years now and it's becoming harder to believe them. I need some new lines for my pep talks.

When my husband was in the hospital earlier this week, a brought along the book that came out last year about Mother Theresa - the one that caused the big stir in the media at the time. The headlines were 'Mother Theresa questioned God's existence'. What the media failed to mention (not surprisingly) was that despite feeling like God was no where to be found, she remained confident he was there (I'm much more simple-minded - if I don't get my prayers answered, I don't think he's there). What an amazing faith she must have had, but it wasn't perfect. She did question it and in the book's commentary, it says she was afraid. But...

With the help of her spiritual directors, she progressively came to grasp that her painful inner experience was an essential part of living out her mission. It was sharing in the Passion of Christ on the Cross - with a particular emphasis on the thirst of Jesus as the mystery of His longing for the love and salvation of every human person. Eventually she recognized her mysterious suffering as an imprint of Christ's Passion on her soul. She was living the mystery of Calvary - the Calvary of Jesus and the Calvary of the poor...Although this intense and ongoing spiritual agony could have made her despondent, she instead radiated remarkable love and joy, because she had built the edifice of her life on pure faith.

While I am far from the person Mother Theresa was (the understatement of the year), I can relate to her suffering and feelings of abandonement, and I can look to her example for how she responded. I really like the image of Christ's thirst. I definitely thirst for children (obviously silly compared to Christ's thirst for the salvation of all humans, but you know what I mean), and I know that I, too, shouldn't be despondent. I definitely do not radiate remarkable love and joy.

I kind of seems silly that I could possibly radiate joy in my present state, but Mother Theresa actually did it. She was grateful for the suffering - grateful! - and saw all loneliness and darkness as an opportunity to "drain out of me every drop of self." Here's what she wrote:

...so the darkness is so dark and the pain is so great, but in spite of it all - my retreat resolution was the same

A hearty "Yes" to God

A big "Smile" to all

and it seems to me that these two words are the only thing that keeps me
going...Pray for me Father, that I may just keep the two words "Yes" &
"Smile."

The difference between her and me (well, one of the many differences, of course) is that she set out each day to please God in every breath she took. Let's just say that I do not. I obviously need to try to remember to please God in every thing I do. When I'm inclined to feel jealousy I should ask, "Does it please God?" When I'm spending too much time on the internet and not enough in prayer, I should ask "Does it please God?"  When I wake up, I should ask "What can I do today to please God?" Acting that way doesn't bring with it a promise of a lighter load (or, more specifically, a first-class ticket to pregnancy-ville), as it surely didn't for Mother Theresa. And that's clearly not why she did it. But doing so will please God, and that should be all that matters.

Tired

Today I feel like the weight of this is too much. The prospect of living the rest of my life in a world full of fertile people, kids, commercials with babies, pregnant stomachs, abortion.. it's just incomprehensible. Can't we all live together on an island somewhere, and take trips back to the "mainland" when we're having a good week?

I'm trying to convince myself that these feelings will pass. There will come a time when I can handle the heartache better. It just seems impossible when you're in the middle of it.

I'm angry with God. I'm angry that he made me to want to grow up to be a mother. How can a loving God not take pity on me and at least design me to not be the girl who always talked about having kids? I know he could do that if he wanted to. And here's a question for ya: I know people say that suffering comes from Satan, but if so, then why wouldn't God want to eliminate what Satan caused? If people say that God allows our suffering because it is "part of his plan for us" then does that mean he's working with Satan? Surely they aren't in cahoots. It just isn't making sense to me right now.

I just feel like I've heard of very few people who have been trying nearly four years who actually end up pregnant, especially who are over 30. I hate even typing that because it sounds like a bad statistic.

Sorry, I just needed to vent.