Putting on a happy face

I have a dilemma. And to make matters worse, I basically just wrote a whole post about it in my head at adoration, but now I feel totally uninspired to write it out.

I don't know if any of you are dealing with anything like this, but here goes.

So lately I have been thinking about my outward appearance to the world. Inside, I am despairing practically all the time. Maybe that is an exaggeration, but what I mean is my world, on a whole, is one of sadness due to infertility. Not that I am unable to laugh or have any fun - I do all the time - but on a large scale, it is difficult for me to find real joy, and any happiness I do experience is fleeting.

That being said, I don't think anyone in my life, except for my husband and those of you who read this blog, would know this. I put on a smile to the world and hopefully come off as pretty normal. I actually find this kind of ironic, because long ago I gave up any notions of being fake. I found it exhausting to even watch others pretend to be someone they're not, and knew I was way too lazy to ever put up a similar front. Now, though, I feel like God actually wills for me to pretend; not to be fake, necessarily, but to smile through my suffering when smiling is the last thing I feel like doing.

I'm reading a book about Mother Theresa's letters at the moment, and in them she talks about this very thing - about appearing outwardly happy despite her internal suffering - and I know many saints did the same. And even though it's about fasting, I always go back to the Holy Week reading when Jesus reminds his disciples to wash their face so as not to give the world the impression that they are enduring hardship.

And, like I said, I do try to do this most of the time. My dilemma, though, is whether I am doing it enough. Yes, 99% of the people who know me have no idea that infertility has ruined my life, but I am now wondering if I should be letting anyone know this truth. Does God want me to show my unhappiness to my husband, or I am supposed to put on a happy face for him, too? And what about this blog? Being able to vent here has helped me tremendously and I'd also like to think that my honesty has been helpful to some who read it, but, ultimately, is it just me complaining? Does God want me to put on a happy face to everyone, or are we allowed a couple exceptions?

I want to do what is best and what would please God. I know it doesn't please God for me to despair, but what is despair? I think it comes in different forms. One form is the when I cry and feel sorry for myself, or get jealous or angry. But another form is the overarching sadness that permeates my life due to my inability to conceive. In the first example, it is my reaction and I have control over it. But in the second example I believe it is something that is happening to me.

The first form of despair I can work on, and I am - I have tried to implement a new, positive attitude and it has worked wonders. The second form, though, is where I am more of a victim. So how am I supposed to work on that? That's where I start feeling really helpless. I know this permeating sadness is affecting all facets of my life, including my relationships, but if it is not my fault, how much culpability do I have?

And, then again, maybe that is a cop out. Maybe I am wrong to think that it is just happening to me. Maybe we have control over everything we feel and experience and maybe I could fix my feelings if I were stronger.

But then I go back to the idea that there are millions of women just like me going through the exact same emotions as I am. I am hardly original, which, to me, shows that this is not just some random gut reaction I am having. The emotionally weak, the strong, the smart, the crazy...we all experience practically the same thing. I tend to think that is evidence that this is beyond our control.

But even if that is true, does that change my original question? Should I still be putting on a happy face to my husband and those closest to me?

I really don't know what to do. One argument against it is that I am supposed to be honest to my husband and if I'm not, it could ultimately hurt our relationship in the long run. But I just feel so horrible for burdening him with all of this, and I really don't think that men are all that adept at understanding this anyways (sorry, men). I don't mean that in a bad way; they just process everything so differently from us and it's probably hard for them to not take offense at our constant unhappiness.

I prayed about it at adoration and I'm going to keep praying. I rarely feel like I get answers, though, so I don't know if I'll ever know (and that is not a knock on God - I am wondering lately if his apparent silence in my life is actually him trying to teach me to discern for myself or something. I'm not sure). And don't worry, I am not strung out or upset about this. I just am wondering if God is calling me to change this about my life. So I'll just keep thinking about it and, in the meantime, I'd love to know your thoughts.