"Her faith increased each time I said no"

I felt like God really spoke to me this afternoon when I was driving in the car on my way to the mall. I was listening to EWTN's daily Mass on the radio, though, so it wasn't too much of a stretch.

Today's Gospel reading was about the woman who begged Jesus to drive the demon out of her daughter. Jesus famously said to her, "Let the children be fed first. For it is not right to take the food of the children and throw it to the dogs."

During the homily, the priest pointed out that Matthew offers a longer version of this story, revealing more detail about how the woman had asked for this several times.

The priest then started talking about how Jesus took on a very different tone with this woman, one that seemingly lacked compassion. He then said that Mother Angelica used to tell a story of how once, when she was meditating on this Gospel passage, she asked Jesus why he spoke this way to the woman.

This, according to the priest, is what Christ told Mother Angelica:

"Yes, I knew this woman's heart, her deep faith and her compassion, but I wanted others to see it. I wanted her to be an example to all mankind of her deep humility and her perseverance. Even the rebuff she accepted in love. Even when she did not understand, she kept asking and she kept loving. Her faith increased each time I said no."

That hit me like a ton of bricks (so much so that once I stopped the car I rewound the program [I have Sirius] and scribbled down exactly what Christ said to her on my grocery list).

I felt like all my suffering was crystallized in that moment. It's all right there.

First, Christ knows my heart. He hears me asking day after day, month after month. If it were as simple as answering the prayers of those who are faithful, he'd have already granted me mine. But it's not that simple. Sometimes Christ uses us as an example to the world. In this case, I believe he is using me as an example of someone who is staying faithful, despite the obvious draw to become pregnant through IVF. Ours is a stance few take, so it makes complete sense that Christ would need us (and when you look at it that way, doesn't it seem completely worthwhile? Can't you just picture Christ asking us personally? If that were to happen, of course we'd say yes!).

But that's not all. This also reminds me that just because I am hearing a 'no' from God each month, that doesn't mean he isn't listening. In fact, we are called to grow in our faith every time we hear a 'no.' We're not supposed to lose faith, or stay stagnant in our faith. No. Every time we start a new cycle, we are actually called to increase our faith, even when we do not understand (that's the story of my life!).

That's not easy. Some months it's all I can do to not scream at God, and yet I am supposed to love him more? 

You know what, though? I knew this was true even before I heard it on the radio today. We all know it. I know that I have been in denial about it, because it's difficult and uncomfortable. It goes against the way we are conditioned to react to negative situations.

I just can't help but think that if Christ had said this to me, loud and clear in a human voice coming from the clouds, I would change my life that very instant. How could I not? I'd look at infertility in an entirely different light. I would believe undoubtedly that he had knowingly permitted me to suffer infertility for the benefit of not only my soul, but the souls of others, by becoming an example of faith and perseverance to the world. And it would be amazing!

But then I remind myself, he IS saying that! And I shouldn't need a personalized message for it to sink in! (Even though he was kind enough to tell it to Mother Angelica, so she could share it with us.)

I'm going to try to remember this. Every time my prayers seemed to go unanswered, or every time I seem to get a 'no', I am going to try my hardest to love Christ more, and I'm going to picture him asking me, personally, to do this for him. I'm never going to stop asking, and I'm never going to stop being an example of faith to the world. The woman eventually had her prayer answered and the demons driven out of her daughter, but Christ's hesitation to do so had a deep purpose. I think it does for all of us, too.