Tonight I was asked how infertility has affected my relationship with God, and it got me thinking about some of the hard questions I have asked throughout the last three-plus years, and how my receptiveness to possible answers to those questions has slowly changed. For example, I have many memories of lying in bed at night just so sad and desperately wanting to "talk about it." That's my husband's worst nightmare, I'm sure (remember, these were the days before I knew what a blog was and you, my dear reader, could listen to me vent). So he had to just lie there and listen to me babble on and on, asking deep, dark questions like, 'why would a loving God cause me to suffer in this way and not bless us with children, which are the very reason a man and woman join together before God as husband and wife in the first place?' He would offer very nice advice ("because his plan for you hasn't yet been revealed") and then listen as I flatly refuted it. The one argument I kept coming back to was this: Bad things happen to very holy people and there is a chance that no matter how faithful I am, I could die with no children. Then the conversation would turn to whether my reward would be in heaven and that was just too much to take in at the time. It just wasn't consolation to think that I would be rewarded in the next life. Not at age 29.
Luckily for both him and me, that has changed. We never have those late night infertility depression talks (thanks internet!) and I have to believe that even if we did, they would go very differently. The reason I know this is because I find myself giving others the very advice my husband once gave me. And I believe it! That's what happened tonight. As I was emailing someone I realized that I had, at some point, begun believing what my husband always tried to tell me. Maybe it is self-preservation, maybe I have just been worn down. I tend to believe, though, that this transformation has taken place through prayer. I have cried out to God so often to help me, hoping that help would come down like a lightning bolt and when it didn't, I wondered if he'd heard me at all. It wasn't until long after (we're talking years) that I realized I received the help I was asking for. It took a while, but I have slowly come to accept the answers to some of the very tough questions I use to ask. Like...
Question: Why does God want me to suffer like this?
Old Answer: Who knows! It makes no sense. Everyone else can get pregnant and I can't. Can he not hear me? Does he not love me?
New Answer: He doesn't want me to suffer but he allows it for several reasons, such as a) to purify my soul, b) so I can share in the sufferings of his son, c) because the suffering may only be temporary and I am just being very impatient.
Question: What if the suffering is not temporary and I never have children?
Old Answer: I will live a horrible existence, my life will be wasted and maybe, if I am lucky, I will receive my reward in heaven, whatever that means.
New Answer: If I am to never have children (biologically), then I will join millions of other couples who will also never have biological children. I am not alone and God did not single me out to hurt me. That being said, being childless never has to be the end result because we can always adopt. If, for some reason, God puts it on our hearts to not adopt, then there must be a really good reason for that and that would be something we would decide together and have to be completely okay with.
Question: What if I am never okay with not having biological children and I am miserable for the rest of my life?
Old Answer: I don't know! I guess I will just cry every day and no one will want to be around me, ever. And I will be a horrible adoptive parent because my child will always know that I am depressed and God forbid he or she finds out it's because I couldn't get pregnant.
New Answer: That misery will subside as I draw nearer to God. That might be hard to understand at first, but it will happen. This was a sticking point for me just a couple years ago, as I refused to believe the sting of infertility would ever go away. In fact, I thought it would only increase with time. I have found that while it is still painful, I have come to the realization that misery does not please God and to love him is to want to please him. Plus, if what people say is true, that misery becomes a distant memory when your adopted baby is put in your arms.
I remember one night, my poor husband was trying to read a book with me about suffering. We had ordered it online and our hopes were high that it might offer me some help. We got to a chapter about the need to find something that brings you joy in life (like an activity, such as gardening or playing the piano) and I could go no further. I literally sobbed and sobbed because I could not think of one thing in the world that brought me joy, which just depressed me even more. My husband tried his best to list off some possibilities and I just knocked them all down. And at the time, I was being honest. Nothing brought me joy. I was depressed. But I am so blessed today to be able to look back on that and say I have discovered several things that bring me joy. I truly believe God has answered my prayers and transformed me so that I am able to experience joy in the midst of suffering. That's what it is all about - living with this. It was the theme of all of my tough questions. I was afraid of how much it would hurt to live with this pain and what that meant for my relationship with and image of God. I am not on the other side of this by any means, but I really feel like I have grown so much. With God's help, I have learned that suffering is manageable and things can get better. Believe me, I still hope things get much better for me. The difference is that I now believe they will.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
CD 9
For some reason the devil is all about me today! All day long I have felt like he is right behind me trying to pull me down, which is odd, because I'm not usually sad this time of my cycle. This afternoon, just when I'm starting to feel like you can tell I've lost weight, I started thinking I looked fat. And then, everytime I saw something online about someone being pregnant, having a baby or artificially impregnating some older lady (Ashlee Simpson, the kid from Hanson, and Clay Aiken, respectively) I started to feel twinges of jealousy (okay, maybe not about the Clay Aiken story, but you get the point). Luckily, I remembered that wanttobeamom had suggested a few days ago that I should pray to St. Michael when this happens. So I did, and I did start feeling better afterwards.
As for my cycle, it is day nine and I'm still spotting. I go through so many red stickers! PPVI increased my dosage of T3 today, which I'll start in a few days when I get the new pills in the mail. My temp and pulse have been okay lately, so I'm no longer concerned about the side effects. Now let's just hope everything stays okay with the higher dose. My husband is not too happy about this medication, though. It costs money, which is fine, but when you aren't sure the medication is helping it becomes harder to part with the cash. Mainly, I think he is a little suspect of why I am in the study to begin with, since my new doctor said I don't fit the bill at all. I'm going to stay on it for now, but I'm going to ask my new doctor what he thinks at my next appointment. My main concern right now is that I don't feel ANY different. If I had to fill out the symptom check list today, it would be exactly the same as when I filled it out before taking the medication. If anything, I am MORE exhausted than ever before.
Speaking of being tired, I am still waiting for my low g.i. diet to improve my energy level. Does anyone know how long this takes? I'm kind of wondering if perhaps my blood sugar is now too low, but I don't understand enough about it to even begin to figure that out. All I know is that my energy level ranges from exhaustion to feeling like I've been hit by a bus. I use to think that was because I wasn't getting any exercise, but now we take a vigorous walk every day (I know that's not exactly two hours at the gym, but it's a huge improvement for me and I can already tell that it's helping my weight loss).
Well, I'm off now to make a delicious low g.i. dinner!
As for my cycle, it is day nine and I'm still spotting. I go through so many red stickers! PPVI increased my dosage of T3 today, which I'll start in a few days when I get the new pills in the mail. My temp and pulse have been okay lately, so I'm no longer concerned about the side effects. Now let's just hope everything stays okay with the higher dose. My husband is not too happy about this medication, though. It costs money, which is fine, but when you aren't sure the medication is helping it becomes harder to part with the cash. Mainly, I think he is a little suspect of why I am in the study to begin with, since my new doctor said I don't fit the bill at all. I'm going to stay on it for now, but I'm going to ask my new doctor what he thinks at my next appointment. My main concern right now is that I don't feel ANY different. If I had to fill out the symptom check list today, it would be exactly the same as when I filled it out before taking the medication. If anything, I am MORE exhausted than ever before.
Speaking of being tired, I am still waiting for my low g.i. diet to improve my energy level. Does anyone know how long this takes? I'm kind of wondering if perhaps my blood sugar is now too low, but I don't understand enough about it to even begin to figure that out. All I know is that my energy level ranges from exhaustion to feeling like I've been hit by a bus. I use to think that was because I wasn't getting any exercise, but now we take a vigorous walk every day (I know that's not exactly two hours at the gym, but it's a huge improvement for me and I can already tell that it's helping my weight loss).
Well, I'm off now to make a delicious low g.i. dinner!
Some help from St. Augustine
The other day I came across something I had scribbled down a a year or so ago. It had fallen out of my "infertility folder," this bright green folder given to me by my Creighton instructor at our introductory session. This folder contains my entire infertility world, all my charts, my blood work history, even my thermometer. It has been through a lot - two moves, to Italy and back, to Omaha twice, not to mention it travels from room to room with me now that I take my temp and pulse four times a day! - and it's safe to say it has been past its prime for several months now. (Sorry for the detail, but my green folder is a big part of my life.)
Anyway, so this little scrap of paper fell out of it a few days ago and when I picked it up I realized it contained a passage that I had written down months ago. I remember that I thought the passage would help me during hard times, but it turns out I completely forgot about it. So, it would make a much better story if I had found it during one of my days of mild depression late last week, but I did not. I was already feeling better when I saw it, but I figured there is probably someone out there who could benefit from it right now, so here it is:
There are days when the burdens we carry
chafe our shoulders and wear us down,
when the road seems dreary and endless,
the skies grey and threatening,
when our lives have no music in them and our hearts are lonely,
and our souls have lost their courage.
Flood the path with light, we beseech Thee, O Lord,
turn our eyes to where the heavens are full of promise!
-St. Augustine
We could all use our paths flooded with a little light, couldn't we?
Anyway, so this little scrap of paper fell out of it a few days ago and when I picked it up I realized it contained a passage that I had written down months ago. I remember that I thought the passage would help me during hard times, but it turns out I completely forgot about it. So, it would make a much better story if I had found it during one of my days of mild depression late last week, but I did not. I was already feeling better when I saw it, but I figured there is probably someone out there who could benefit from it right now, so here it is:
There are days when the burdens we carry
chafe our shoulders and wear us down,
when the road seems dreary and endless,
the skies grey and threatening,
when our lives have no music in them and our hearts are lonely,
and our souls have lost their courage.
Flood the path with light, we beseech Thee, O Lord,
turn our eyes to where the heavens are full of promise!
-St. Augustine
We could all use our paths flooded with a little light, couldn't we?
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Our day at the beach
Today was a great day. We went to the beach AND I have officially lost 12 pounds. I know, I shouldn't have complained this past week about not losing any weight. It must have been the bloating and it all worked out in the end (hmmm..maybe that was a little mini-lesson for me).
So back to the beach. We've never lived so close to the ocean before, so we are determined to take advantage of it. And we thought it would help to lift both of our spirits (my husband is sad he can't go on his annual nascar trip next weekend). We had a great time... except when I got a call from my doctor's office telling me they needed to reschedule my appointment for a week later. Ahhhh! Anyone who has read my recent posts knows I am counting down the days to this appointment. I got really upset at first, but now I'm resigned to it. What else can I do?
So the highlight of the day: I'm laying on the beach and all of a sudden my husband yelled my name. I looked up, knowing from the tone of this voice that he saw someone we knew. I was thinking, 'Oh great, it's probably one of his co-workers and I have no make-up on.' But guess who he recognized that was walking right by us? Ell.iot Yam.in! For those who are not American Idol fans, he was on the show the season before last. Here he is as I stalked him walking down the beach with my cell phone camera (he's on the right):
So back to the beach. We've never lived so close to the ocean before, so we are determined to take advantage of it. And we thought it would help to lift both of our spirits (my husband is sad he can't go on his annual nascar trip next weekend). We had a great time... except when I got a call from my doctor's office telling me they needed to reschedule my appointment for a week later. Ahhhh! Anyone who has read my recent posts knows I am counting down the days to this appointment. I got really upset at first, but now I'm resigned to it. What else can I do?
So the highlight of the day: I'm laying on the beach and all of a sudden my husband yelled my name. I looked up, knowing from the tone of this voice that he saw someone we knew. I was thinking, 'Oh great, it's probably one of his co-workers and I have no make-up on.' But guess who he recognized that was walking right by us? Ell.iot Yam.in! For those who are not American Idol fans, he was on the show the season before last. Here he is as I stalked him walking down the beach with my cell phone camera (he's on the right):
Just in case any of you are serious fans of his and happen to know that he was somewhere else today (and, honestly, that would just be plain weird, no offense).. I am not 100% sure it was him, but I am 99.999% sure. I didn't go up to him because a) I didn't want to annoy him and b) I had no make-up on. I know, I'm sure he wouldn't have noticed or cared. I just have a complex.
Since I'm showing pictures... Today I actually wore something I sewed. That's right - I made a skirt! For someone who has never sewn their whole life, it's pretty cool to wear something you made in public! So I had my husband take a picture of me:
Not bad, right? It looks like I could have bought it, if I say so myself (although if you inspected it inside-out, you'd probably figure out that it was made by a beginner). And the Amy Butler fabric I used to make it was on sale, so that was a bonus. And I didn't use a pattern. I basically just modeled it after two skirts I have. Cheap and designed to my liking. You can't beat it! Oh, if I had kids, I would totally sew their clothes! But since I do not, my dog is next in line. Just wait for those pictures...
Okay, one more picture. This is a little tote bag I made for my goddaughter. I also didn't use a pattern for this, but it was a lot easier than I thought it would be:
So that's it for today. I know, it was riveting. Oh, one more thing - I officially posted my infertility history on the right side. I really like when I see that on other blogs because it's just easy to reference, whether you're new to the blog or you forgot what their story is. Writing it was like a little trip down memory lane. It really served as a reminder of how much we've been though these last three (almost four) years, mainly because it's so long. But it also reminded me that I've never had any real chance at conceiving.. at least not yet. So it's not like it just hasn't happened all these years. We actually haven't even begun having a chance. But we will soon!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Feeling better
I just didn't want to leave that last post up on the top of my blog. And I am feeling better. I think God helped me to quit feeling sorry for myself tonight by showing me the tragedy of others. While hopping from blog to blog I found myself reading tragic story after tragic story. Like, really tragic. I don't think this was a coincidence. So I was reminded not only of how much worse it could be, but of how so many people in horrible situations are able to live with their suffering. I can't let it bring me down, even if for only a couple days a month. I also think I often feel better when I am praying for others, instead of wallowing in my own sadness.
So let's hope I can sustain this improved attitude. If it's due to hormones, then that should be easy because they should be shifting around very soon. And this month should be a good one.. I've got my doctor's appointment and hormone series test results, and then there's my sister-in-laws wedding and a visit to my parents' house. Hopefully there will be more weight loss too. But I am not going to dwell on that! I promise. Or at least I'll try not to...
So let's hope I can sustain this improved attitude. If it's due to hormones, then that should be easy because they should be shifting around very soon. And this month should be a good one.. I've got my doctor's appointment and hormone series test results, and then there's my sister-in-laws wedding and a visit to my parents' house. Hopefully there will be more weight loss too. But I am not going to dwell on that! I promise. Or at least I'll try not to...
Miserable
I am sad to report that I am now officially despairing. I just feel like everything is a big mess and nothing is going right at the moment. And what makes it worse is that I'm trying SO hard. I'm trying so hard to trust God. I'm trying so hard to lose weight. Speaking of weight, I've gained back about five pounds. It makes no sense. I'm following the diet, exercising, and still nothing. I've been trying to figure out if I'm doing something wrong, but it doesn't appear that I am. I also am EXHAUSTED and I thought the point of this diet is that you start to have energy. Not me.
Interestingly enough, I'm really not upset that I'm not pregnant this month. Perhaps that is because there has never been any chance I would be. Well, not since the first few months after my honeymoon way back in 2004 (there still was no chance then, but at least I didn't know it yet). So I'm not upset about that. I'm more upset in general. I just don't know if I'm crazy for not giving up yet. I'm trying to remember what my new doctor told me, that he thinks it's possible to get me ovulating and then pregnant. I'm trying to hold on to that, but it's tough.
I hate these times when everything bad in your life rushes to the forefront and invades your every thought. I can handle bad things when I have something positive going on in my life, but when everything looks dismal, I crumble. That is what is happening now. I feel sick, incredibly achy, tired, I am not losing weight despite a strict diet, I have no purpose in life, no apparent future, and I have no kids at age 31 and may never have any. Those are the thoughts playing on repeat in my brain.
I know I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, and I know this is the devil at work. I just fight it off so much that sometimes I get tired and give in. And to be honest, it's not like I've cried about it or anything, so that's an improvement over my former life. I use to cry constantly. I said a Rosary this morning to ward off the bad attitude, but then I just beat myself up because I don't know all the mysteries by heart at the moment. Maybe I'll study them today.
I really believe this sadness is due to hormones. I know God is with me and is helping me carry the cross. I know this would be much worse without him. I just need some extra help today, God. Something to brighten my mood. And I need patience, because we will know so much more at my next doctor's appointment, which is now just about three weeks away. In the meantime, I need to stay positive and not let this get the best of me. It could be much worse. There is hope, even if I can't see it right now.
Interestingly enough, I'm really not upset that I'm not pregnant this month. Perhaps that is because there has never been any chance I would be. Well, not since the first few months after my honeymoon way back in 2004 (there still was no chance then, but at least I didn't know it yet). So I'm not upset about that. I'm more upset in general. I just don't know if I'm crazy for not giving up yet. I'm trying to remember what my new doctor told me, that he thinks it's possible to get me ovulating and then pregnant. I'm trying to hold on to that, but it's tough.
I hate these times when everything bad in your life rushes to the forefront and invades your every thought. I can handle bad things when I have something positive going on in my life, but when everything looks dismal, I crumble. That is what is happening now. I feel sick, incredibly achy, tired, I am not losing weight despite a strict diet, I have no purpose in life, no apparent future, and I have no kids at age 31 and may never have any. Those are the thoughts playing on repeat in my brain.
I know I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, and I know this is the devil at work. I just fight it off so much that sometimes I get tired and give in. And to be honest, it's not like I've cried about it or anything, so that's an improvement over my former life. I use to cry constantly. I said a Rosary this morning to ward off the bad attitude, but then I just beat myself up because I don't know all the mysteries by heart at the moment. Maybe I'll study them today.
I really believe this sadness is due to hormones. I know God is with me and is helping me carry the cross. I know this would be much worse without him. I just need some extra help today, God. Something to brighten my mood. And I need patience, because we will know so much more at my next doctor's appointment, which is now just about three weeks away. In the meantime, I need to stay positive and not let this get the best of me. It could be much worse. There is hope, even if I can't see it right now.
Friday, May 23, 2008
It's that time again
It seems like it was just a month ago that it was cycle day one. Well, 27 days to be exact. I guess technically I might have to wait a few hours to make sure it's not just another day of spotting but I'm pretty confident in my assessment that a new cycle has begun.
Yesterday I was having another gloomy day. I wasn't in a deep despair by any means, just a little down, bored, tired, etc. (and it had nothing to do with the impending new cycle beginning, honestly.. other than the fact that it was probably caused by hormones related to that), so I took my second walk of the day and prayed. Well I know I shouldn't be surprised, but God answered my prayers and by the end of the walk I was out of the funk and felt like a weight had been lifted. It constantly amazes me how that happens.
Still no weight loss this morning, but when does the bloating go away, anyways? When your new cycle starts? After your period? I know I shouldn't be obsessing about weight loss. That's not why I'm on this diet.
So I will collect my last saliva sample today and overnight it tomorrow. The test alone costs like $163 plus the shipping. That's a lot! Well, I guess it's not a lot when compared to the costs of procedures that insurance pays and I think I can submit it to insurance after the fact. But it's a lot when I'm trying to make forty bucks stretch til Tuesday. We've been blessed to not have any credit card debt, but this will probably be one of those times where we break out the card. (Sidenote - our lack of credit card debt, which was scarily high just a year ago, is a testament to the power of prayer. I'm serious. Try it, because amazing things can happen.)
Well gotta go, it's time now for Sophie's favorite time of the day - our walk. Actually, I think it's tied with sleeping for her. She really loves sleeping.
Yesterday I was having another gloomy day. I wasn't in a deep despair by any means, just a little down, bored, tired, etc. (and it had nothing to do with the impending new cycle beginning, honestly.. other than the fact that it was probably caused by hormones related to that), so I took my second walk of the day and prayed. Well I know I shouldn't be surprised, but God answered my prayers and by the end of the walk I was out of the funk and felt like a weight had been lifted. It constantly amazes me how that happens.
Still no weight loss this morning, but when does the bloating go away, anyways? When your new cycle starts? After your period? I know I shouldn't be obsessing about weight loss. That's not why I'm on this diet.
So I will collect my last saliva sample today and overnight it tomorrow. The test alone costs like $163 plus the shipping. That's a lot! Well, I guess it's not a lot when compared to the costs of procedures that insurance pays and I think I can submit it to insurance after the fact. But it's a lot when I'm trying to make forty bucks stretch til Tuesday. We've been blessed to not have any credit card debt, but this will probably be one of those times where we break out the card. (Sidenote - our lack of credit card debt, which was scarily high just a year ago, is a testament to the power of prayer. I'm serious. Try it, because amazing things can happen.)
Well gotta go, it's time now for Sophie's favorite time of the day - our walk. Actually, I think it's tied with sleeping for her. She really loves sleeping.
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