More results

My peak +12 results are in and are as follows:

Progesterone: 11.38
Estradiol: 297

They dropped from peak +9's levels of 20.38 for progesterone and 558 for estradiol, but as far as I know that still seems pretty high for peak +12. Especially for someone who usually starts a new cycle on peak +12.

They did drop though, which probably means this cycle's a bust. Oh, and the two negative pregnancy tests I took this morning could be evidence of that as well.

So I planned to test today just because I have the tests, so why not? This luteal phase has also felt very different from any other I've experienced - sore bbs, back ache, extra bloating, head ache, twinges in the lower pelvic region - not that what I experienced were necessarily early pregnancy symptoms, but it was just different. Plus I just haven't had the normal pms feeling, the feeling when you can no longer deny a new cycle is starting.

I woke and tested with my first-morning urine, using a cheap plus-or-minus test. I know, due to my past experience with this type of test, I should steer clear. But is it wrong that I actually want to be able to stare longingly at it under a bright light, trying to determine if I really see something? That is just not possible with those clear-cut "pregnant/not pregnant" tests. They're so definitive. I want to determine if there's a faint line, thank you very much.

As soon as the lines started to form, I could see a faint vertical line, which would mean a positive. Honestly, looking back, I wasn't even surprised. I guess I actually kind of expected it to be positive for some reason! So since I know those tests aren't the most accurate, and not wanting to waste my first-morning pee, I immediately grabbed one of the digital tests.

That one was a definitive "not pregnant." And by the time that one was finished, I looked back at the first one to see no trace of a second line. Nothing. In fact the minus sign was quickly fading.

The digital test was an early response test, so I highly doubt there is still any lingering hope. I haven't started to have any sign of spotting yet though, so I'm pretty sure today won't be cycle day one. My temp was still up this morning too, but mine usually doesn't drop until cycle day two.

I still have all the same feelings - back ache, sore bbs - and no real pms symptoms, other than my legs feel kind of funny which is my tried and true sign that my period is coming (although not knowing what actually causes that, I have often wondered if I'd feel that on a cycle I conceived as well).

I have an appointment with Dr. L on Friday morning. It's the one where you guess a month in advance when cycle day 1-2 will be. It'll probably end up being right on the money. I'm going to see what she thinks about my levels appearing so great, yet still no pregnancy. I have a feeling she's going to think it's wonderful and that it means things are working. That may be true, but I have heard that for so long now. Is it really working if it's not resulting in a pregnancy?

I do have to remember, though, that it's not like I have been diagnosed as unexplained infertility. I have had multiple reasons why I haven't conceived and we've slowly chipped away at them. We thought I was fine for several months at the end of 2008 and for most of 2009, but unbeknownst to us, I was slowly growing an endometrioma. I have to believe the presence of endometriosis somehow reduced my fertility during that time. So now, for potentially the first time ever, everything seems to be working fine. I am even responding well to the hydrocortisone - I no longer feel fatigued or dizzy upon standing.

I can't lose hope and I can't grow tired. On paper five years may seem like a long time, but there's a good chance I only recently restored my fertility, if that. Maybe there's something else still standing in the way. I long for God to grow our family however He wills. It may be through adoption, but why not try a few cycles with a trigger shot while we wait? It's ultimately all up to Him.

Surprisingly, I have a good attitude today, and I don't credit my own spiritual enlightenment with my ability to "handle" today's news. I personally think it's evidence that my progesterone still hasn't dropped. I usually can tell the second that happens, and it's not pretty.

I also went to confession last night with a priest conducting a mission at our parish, and he had great things to say to me in the confessional about the struggle of infertility. I'll hopefully share more on that later, but I wanted to leave you with a Scripture passage he recommended I read:

Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I do my share on behalf of His body, which is the church, in filling up what is lacking in Christ's afflictions. (Col. 1:24)

There can be joy in suffering. It's just easier to have when your progesterone is slightly elevated.