I feel like I am trying really hard to not fall into despair. I am nearly always hanging on by a thread and I just don't think that's any way to live.*
I used to want to live like this. I believed that if I couldn't have children, then I needed to feel bad. If I felt happiness, then God would think I was okay. Well, I am way past that. I am at the point now, and have been for a while, where I just need relief. I have come to the realization that since my joy, for at least the time being, won't be found in motherhood, that I need to find it in Christ. After all, that should be the source of our joy anyway, right?
With the help of some of my favorite saints, I now know that only God - and not even children - can fill the emptiness. I read about saints suffering greatly but still having joy because they have Christ and I want that. And that sounds great when I say it, but beyond saying I want it, well, there is just some disconnect there. I pray for it, I believe it, but I simply cannot find joy in my life during this time of suffering.
Maybe it is just a decision we have to make. Could that be? That it's not something He necessarily bestows upon us, but something we just have to decide to feel?
I tend to think that while we can choose to act in a joyful manner, that what I am looking for is true joy in my heart. There's a difference, right?
It can be frustrating to think that I'm asking God for something that I would think He should be thrilled I want (joy in suffering), and yet He doesn't give it to me. But I know that's prideful. God doesn't have to answer my prayers, even prayers for seemingly noble things. And if He's not answering my prayer to be close to Him, well then I have to believe it's because I am not living the fullness of my faith like I should be. I'm going to try harder in areas of my life where I know I fall short (one thing in particular I've decided to change is my laziness - I'm going to try to do tasks I don't really like with Him in mind).
And I'm not saying we have to earn His love, or that there's some magic bullet, but I just wonder if He wants me to learn more before receiving relief. Does that make sense?
I hope that's the answer and I really hope that God can bless me with joy (or I can find it somehow) soon, because it gets harder each and every day to live without it.
"To live in a manner worthy of the Lord, so as to be fully pleasing, in every good work bearing fruit and growing in the knowledge of God, strengthened with every power, in accord with his glorious might, for all endurance and patience, with joy" Colossians 1:10-11
*Before I go any further, I should point out that I don't mean this to sound like I'm having a bad day. This is more of a general every-day-during-the-past-five-years-of-suffering kind of thing.
I don't know if you've read St. John of the Cross's "Dark Night of the Soul". It talks about the purifying work that God does in souls where God feels very distant to the person. Mother Teresa and many other blessed/saints have dealt with this. I don't know if this helps, but if you haven't read the book do it when you have a chance.
ReplyDeletereceiving joy, hmmm... somehow I think it's a state of being. A place of contentment, grace given by God.
ReplyDeleteSomething to meditate on might be the Catechism... check out #1829 The fruits of charity are...... it's at the very bottom. Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to share this very important treasure.
http://www.vatican.va/archive/catechism/p3s1c1a7.htm
Charity
1822 Charity is the theological virtue by which we love God above all things for his own sake, and our neighbor as ourselves for the love of God.
1823 Jesus makes charity the new commandment.96 By loving his own "to the end,"97 he makes manifest the Father's love which he receives. By loving one another, the disciples imitate the love of Jesus which they themselves receive. Whence Jesus says: "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you; abide in my love." And again: "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you."98
1824 Fruit of the Spirit and fullness of the Law, charity keeps the commandments of God and his Christ: "Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love."99
1825 Christ died out of love for us, while we were still "enemies."100 The Lord asks us to love as he does, even our enemies, to make ourselves the neighbor of those farthest away, and to love children and the poor as Christ himself.101
The Apostle Paul has given an incomparable depiction of charity: "charity is patient and kind, charity is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Charity does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Charity bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."102
1826 "If I . . . have not charity," says the Apostle, "I am nothing." Whatever my privilege, service, or even virtue, "if I . . . have not charity, I gain nothing."103 Charity is superior to all the virtues. It is the first of the theological virtues: "So faith, hope, charity abide, these three. But the greatest of these is charity."104
1827 The practice of all the virtues is animated and inspired by charity, which "binds everything together in perfect harmony";105 it is the form of the virtues; it articulates and orders them among themselves; it is the source and the goal of their Christian practice. Charity upholds and purifies our human ability to love, and raises it to the supernatural perfection of divine love.
1828 The practice of the moral life animated by charity gives to the Christian the spiritual freedom of the children of God. He no longer stands before God as a slave, in servile fear, or as a mercenary looking for wages, but as a son responding to the love of him who "first loved us":106
If we turn away from evil out of fear of punishment, we are in the position of slaves. If we pursue the enticement of wages, . . . we resemble mercenaries. Finally if we obey for the sake of the good itself and out of love for him who commands . . . we are in the position of children.107
1829 The fruits of charity are joy, peace, and mercy; charity demands beneficence and fraternal correction; it is benevolence; it fosters reciprocity and remains disinterested and generous; it is friendship and communion: Love is itself the fulfillment of all our works. There is the goal; that is why we run: we run toward it, and once we reach it, in it we shall find rest.108
I am beginning to realize that submitting and living in God's joy is for me, a daily, often an hourly decision (sometimes minute by minute) :-D. I just read a book 'Total Surrender' by Mother Teresa. I don't know if you have read it but you might enjoy it. I know God led me to read it and I am encouraged by her words everyday. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteYou are always an inspiration to me, as you make sure your focus is where it should be. We do find our joy in Christ and if we seek it find it elsewhere, we won't. Keep the faith, stay strong, and remember that you are an encouragement in your life for others.
ReplyDeleteICLW
I hope this comes out right...
ReplyDeleteI don't think feeling/knowing joy is a prerequisite to God granting your prayer. He may want you to learn xyz lesson, but it's not like He's holding your child ransom until you learn it- if He did that, none of us would ever be given children because none of us is perfect, right?!
I am by no means a perfect Christian, but I have worked very hard in the last year on this infertility suffering and giving it to God to change into something good. I also longed for joy, and (I'm not just saying this because it's what everyone says) as I relinquished the load of suffering I carried on my own to God, I have felt joy. I have tried to turn my prayers from "why why why" to "what should I do with my suffering?". I felt God calling me to use my compassion for new life in the crisis pregnancy center, and it has hands-down been the best decision for me in healing on my IF journey. It seems bizarre, but it is honestly the truth- the perspective I have gained from training to be a peer counselor is priceless. Although I still hope that the joy of children is close in my future, there is definitely joy in my heart right now.
I'm sure you have heard this, but there is a story (paraphrasing what I remember) about a person who asked God for courage, but then the person found themselves in a scary position and felt afraid. The person went to God and said, Hey, I asked you for courage! And God said, What good would it do you if I just gave you courage? I gave you an opportunity to act courageously!
I like to think that God is giving me an opportunity to act joyfully, even when it's not my first inclination. I will be praying that He shines His light into your life very soon!!
That's a tricky one. The saint story I remember best about joy in suffering is St. Therese, from Story of a Soul, and if I remember right, she said that "even suffering is joy to me now" and it was no longer possible to suffer, because her suffering gave her such joy at being able to share Christ's cross that its pain was removed. St. Paul says something similar, and St. Lawrence, giving instructions to his executioners as he was roasted alive, seems like a more dramatic example. It sounds to me like you're talking about feeling joyful although you've been asked to carry a cross - I think they were more happy about the cross itself. I don't mean this to be preachy - heaven knows I'm not asking for either of those things! I guess when I pray sensibly, I ask for peace - to stop longing for what I can't have, and to be happy with what I have. That's not (IMO) a bad goal either, but it's not as saintly as asking for the pain to increase and the strength to unite it to the cross of Christ. (Note to Almighty: that last was NOT a request.)
ReplyDeleteI have no answers for you... all I can say is that I am wondering all these same things!
ReplyDeleteI am thankful to be walking this road with you. Praying for you!
I am just impressed with your reflections on the subject and with everyone else's two cents as well. Giving me lots to ponder.
ReplyDeleteFor what its worth, when I get to talk with you, I feel more joyful ... so maybe you are actually more "joyful" than you think ??
ReplyDeleteI am thankful for your friendship:)
One thing that has helped me cope with the general feeling of depression and pointlessness and just constant grief and loss was that we decided that we should further God's work here on Earth in some other manner. We started volunteering on a consistent basis within our religious community, enough time that it was a sacrifice. It has helped bring a sense of purpose to our lives- we are benefiting the lives of others in important ways. We even feel that part of God's reason for giving us IF was so that we would feel the need to serve more- because we've learned and grown so much just from that, aside from IF.
ReplyDeleteJust one idea. I have always been told that when I am struggling I should reach out to others, and it seems to work.
While you are waiting for your beautiful baby perhaps serving others will help patch the void. Oh Sweetie... someday, somehow, you will be a mother. God has some very special soul already matched to you; He is just waiting for the best time to introduce you. It's so hard- the idea of "Thy will be done" and "God's timing". But as difficult as it is to say, God's plan IS better than our own. Afterall, He is omnipotent and we are mere mortals with limited vision. He loves you SO MUCH, and I'm sure it just grieves Him to pieces to see you hurt when He knows He could resolve it for you with the snap of His fingers, but knows it's not the best choice. These are hard things to hear, believe me I know, and harder to actually believe. But don't lose hope. You can create joy for yourself both by making the decision to be happy in spite of this burden and by reaching out to others, and then Christ can magnify that joy within you. The Atonement was not only for our sins, but also so Christ would know how to succor us. He knows perfectly the pain you are personally feeling. Not just IF pain, but YOUR specific feelings. I think this emotional transition will be a pivitol point in your IF journey. I pray that you can find the hope and joy you desire...
I just want to let you know that I was never really OK before our babies. The longing to be a Mom was so strong, that it wrapped around, and just about strangled, everything else.
ReplyDeleteI don't mean to say that I was never happy, or felt joy, or experienced enjoyment ... the longing was always right there ... woven into everything else.
I had my best days when I accepted that it was OK to feel whatever I was feeling. Just go with it. If I was feeling depressed, I felt it. Sad, so be it. Happy, well then yeah!
Just feel it all.
We're human, messed up, broken, imperfect, emotional beings.
And it's OK.
K~
ReplyDeleteThe best way that I can reflect on your post is to direct you to this post that you wrote in December:
http://allyouwhohope.blogspot.com/2008/12/magical-thinking.html
The mother that you talked about was someone that I knew personally and she reflected often on the subject of joy throughout her final days on earth - and even though she doesn't speak specifically use the word "Joy" in this quote I think she speaks about it:
"What if I allow myself to put the outcome in God’s hands and just live intensely in the present, absorbing and embracing life as it happens?"
-Emilie Lemmons
I wish that there was something further I could say... I do think that you're right when you say that Joy is a decision more than an actual event - or at least it is most days.
Here is a quote from a book I am reading entitled “I Believe in Love – A personal Retreat Based on the Teachings of St. Thérèse of Lisieux” by Father Jean C. J. d’Elbée:
ReplyDelete“”Oh, my darling sister, I beg you, understand your little one. Understand that in order to love Jesus, to be His victim of love, the weaker one is, with neither desires not virtues, the more one is fit for the workings of this consuming and transforming love. The sole desire to be a victim suffices, but one must consent to always remain poor and weak.
Ah, let us stay quite far from all that shines; let us love our littleness; let us love to feel nothing, and we shall then be poor in spirit, and Jesus will come to look for us, however far away we are. He will transform us into flames of love. Oh, how I would like to be able to make you understand what I feel . . . It is confidence and nothing but confidence which must lead us to love. Does not fear lead us to severe justice such as it is represented to sinners? But it is not this justice which Jesus will have for those for those who love him.
………………….
Like all theologians, little Thérèse knew that the divine love is a consuming and transforming love. Therefore the weaker we are, the more fit we are for the workings of such a love.
To have burning desires, to express them with eloquence, to feel ourselves with enthusiasm, does not directly depend on us. What we can always do, however, is to love, with our will, our littleness and our poverty; we can love our nakedness and our powerlessness and come to have nothing but a single treasure: our blind abandonment to mercy.”
I thought of this post as I read this passage. I hope it speaks to your heart!
for me it's a decision to accept and to focus on what I do have instead of what everyone else has and I don't. Am I happy? yes. perfectly? well no. I get frustrated with my lack of children and I do believe that children are the natural desire when you marry, but I know that my happiness can't hinge on that single thing.
ReplyDeleteThis is off topic, but I have a question for you. Do you still take T3 (I think I remember you writing about it). I recently started it and often have this strange dizzy-like feeling in the evenings. It's not really dizzy, but more of feeling like I'm on a boat. I've been traveling recently, so maybe that's it. Did you ever experience anything like that? Thanks!
ReplyDeleteChasing - That's interesting.. I don't think I ever felt that way on it. I'm not taking it anymore though.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your help. PPVI called back and told me to stop taking the T3 because I'm not tolerating it.
ReplyDelete