Feeling good

I've been thinking a lot lately about how much infertility makes no sense. I once talked to a priest about infertility. I told him about my situation, hoping he'd offer me some sage spiritual advice. But what he told me was that when he gets to heaven, one of the top three things that he'd like to ask God is why some couples can't have children. His confirmation that this is all a mystery just confused me further. I want to make sense of it all. Things that don't make sense, that aren't fair, that don't mesh with my image of God, well, they just drive me nuts.

So I realized that, for the most part, infertility just doesn't make sense and to try to understand it would be futile. Way too many good, God-fearing couples can't have kids and there's just no way to make sense of it, so why try?

I'm actually feeling pretty good lately. Not because I'm starting a new cycle and we can begin trying again in a week or so. That doesn't really affect my moods. I personally feel my mood is affected by hormones, otherwise there's no explanation of why sometimes I'm up and sometimes I'm down. So I'm up right now, not necessarily hopeful, just in a good mood. Maybe it's because we're going on vacation in a week and a half. That could be it.

As I mentioned yesterday, I started working on my documentary again and I think that is also helping my mood. Every time I've prayed lately and asked God what I can do to serve Him, all I keep coming back to is the documentary. It's like God is telling me "I already told you what you can do, and you're not doing it!" I just need to finish it. That's what He called me to do and I need to carry out His wishes. So hopefully now that I've started working on it again my prayer life will improve and I won't constantly feel guilty. I also know I have to finish it because I got a lot of money from people for it, so there's absolutely no way I won't complete it. It's just been a writer's block sort of thing. I get that with painting a lot. I'll go for a year without painting anything. My inspiration runs very hot and cold.

Today was a pet day. Our cat Carmie has a cold and had to go to the vet. Poor thing. And Sophie got groomed and looks beautiful, or 'bootiful' as my family would say. Here's my baby with her new haircut and her new pretty girl (I should explain that my family calls dog bandanas "pretty girls" as in "My, that's a beautiful new pretty girl you're wearing!" I know, we're weird.)



Sorry this was such a hodge-podge post!