Adoption worries

Sorry if I sound like a broken record lately, but I am still confused about whether or not we should start the adoption process. For the most part, I still don't feel as if God has completely placed adoption on my heart. I've had some moments where I thought maybe He was trying to tell me something. I've come across adoption blogs that have made me think. And last night, while praying, I thought about how adoption may be a real and tangible way for me to truly help out the pro-life movement - that by adopting I would be playing a real role in helping a woman who chose life instead of abortion. I've also been reminded lately of Scripture passages that deal with adoption, the fact that God calls us to care for orphans, and that we are all God's adopted children - all things that make me think that maybe it's not as much about me as I have been making it. Maybe it's about helping others and what I am called to do, and not whether I am completely comfortable with it, whether I am a big enough person to not be jealous of the birth mom (is that normal? because I think I would be), or if I would still feel sorry for myself that I can't get pregnant. God didn't say 'Care for the little children as if you were caring for me, accept if you have too many issues. Then just forget it.'

I don't know. I also know not everyone is called to adopt, and if I think I'll have hang-ups about it, then maybe I'm not a good candidate. Not to mention that if I am asking God to place this on my heart if it is His will, there's a chance that it's not His will. I'm waiting for a sign from Him and when one hasn't come I keep thinking I just missed it, but there is a chance He is trying to tell me not to do it right now.

I've been trying to read adoption blogs lately and I thought they would really help get me use to the idea, but they've actually done the opposite. I read them and I am so happy for the couples, but then it just makes me start thinking about all of my issues with it. Let me just say that what I'm about to say is not meant to offend anyone considering adoption, in the process of adoption, who has adopted, or is adopted. I just have some hang-ups that are my problems, and I want to voice them in order to show myself how crazy they are. So here are my worries: I am afraid that if I adopt I'll feel like a phony. I think I would still be so wrapped up in dealing with infertility that I would feel less-than. I would feel like I didn't deserve this child because I didn't carry it for nine months like "real" mothers. I would feel like I couldn't take credit for the child, or take pride in the child if he/she did something good or cute, because it isn't really mine. I'm afraid that the baby wouldn't have any kind of love or connection to me because I didn't carry it. I'm afraid I wouldn't feel like I was getting that true experience of being a mother, because I would have just gotten a call a few weeks before the baby's birth. I couldn't possibly have all those intuitions a new mother has, because I am just an infertile girl who happens to have gotten someone else's baby. I also have this vision that I would feel like people weren't really happy for me, that deep down they'd feel sorry for me. Aw, they had to adopt. How sad. That's crazy, I know!

But... at the same time, I have no qualms about raising an adopted child once they are no longer a baby. At that point I believe the child would be a product of our parenting, that we could take pride in him/her, that I would be confident that he/she loved me because I would be all he/she knew, and that I would be a 'real' parent at that point (which I would have earned through sleepless nights and all that). I also, though, have worries about how an older child would handle being adopted once they truly understand what it is. And the idea of them looking for their birth parents would scare the heck out of me. I know these feelings are due to my insecurities.

Does any of this make sense? I'm not sure it does. I just wanted to get it all out because usually my fears and worries don't seem as big once I write/type them out. And again, I don't think these things are facts, they are just my worries I need to sort through. They are just more examples of how infertility has messed with my mind. Plus, no one close to me is adopted or has adopted, so I've never been close to it before.

The reason I'm thinking about all of this today in particular is that we have our adoption meeting tomorrow with one of the agencies we are considering. This is the agency that a friend of mine is using and highly recommends. This has also been on my mind today because I got an email response from Catholic Charities. As I posted about the other day, they had emailed in February saying that because we are open to adopting an African-American or bi-racial baby, that we can start the homestudy process now (normally it's a year-and-a-half or more wait). We had missed the email, only to find it over the weekend. Well, they responded that it's not too late and we can set up a meeting to start the process. So we are dangerously close to starting the process with one of these two agencies.. and I'm not even sure we're supposed to!

Ugh!!!! I just don't know if I've adequately dealt with all of this infertility stuff yet. But, then again, will I ever fully deal with it? If I wait for that day, we might be childless forever. And no matter what, we know we want a big family. I'm 31, after all. It's not like I'm 25. But then is the fact that I'm 31 a reason to jump into adoption? Is just wanting a child reason enough? If I knew today that I would never have a biological child would I start the adoption process? The answer to that is yes. Absolutely.

This situation is in serious need of more prayer.