We're online!

Our picture and birth parent letter has been posted on the adoption agency's web site! We're so excited. It just seems a little more real knowing it's up there, despite the fact that our social worker said few birth mothers, if any, pick a family from the site.

I was going to post the link, but I am paranoid. In case, by some small chance, someone monitors their website traffic, I don't want them to see a sudden spike in visitors coming from my blog. Not that I have anything to hide, but I'd like to feel free to post about my thoughts, worries and fears about adoption without thinking our social worker might be reading it. Yes, I am paranoid, because there would have to be quite the sequence of events to have it get to that point, and hopefully our social worker would think my thoughts are fairly normal anyways. I hope.

So if you want to see it, just google the name of our agency: Chil.dren's Ho.me Soc.iety of Vir.gin.ia, then click on 'adoption,' then 'birth parents' and then 'waiting families.'

Oh, and then you have to scroll WAY down.

Hopefully over the next several months the number of families ahead of us will shrink and we'll move up the list. You better believe I'll be checking it constantly! My friend, who is waiting with the same agency (and is one half of one of the couples ahead of us on list of pictures. I won't say which one, but you can probably figure it out), said she was told no new birth mothers came in last month. From now on I am going to step up my prayers for all the expectant mothers in my state (the agency has three offices in different parts of VA) who are trying to figure out what to do with their babies. Please, God, lead them to our adoption agency, rather than the abortion clinic!

Cycle news

I am home, but I just haven't been in the mood for writing much lately. I'm still decompressing from last week, I think. I am on cycle day seven and will take my last dose of Tamoxifen this evening. Today I had some peak-type mucus, which I found interesting. It was 8 C/K L, or stretchy, cloudy-clear and lubricative. I'm taking it as a good sign that perhaps the B6 is working this time around and I will have a normal amount of mucus throughout the next week. And I'm really praying I ovulate before day 22, like last time. Last cycle was a couple steps backwards.

I haven't taken my temperature yet this cycle and I may or may not continue like this. I just feel a little tired of it all. Not in a giving-up sort of way, but just in a I-am-too-lazy-to-worry-about-it-this-month way. I'm just mentally tired and need a break. And, interestingly enough, letting go of some of the worry can only help my chances.

With that being said, I do have one thing I have been worrying about. I am perplexed as to how Jeremiah 29:11's doctor decided her progesterone level was indicative of a need for prometrium, while my doctor decided my progesterone - the exact same progesterone level as Jeremiah 29:11, mind you - was "excellent." And we go to the same practice! I just don't know what to think. Is there a differing of opinion among doctors on what is low? But to the point that he'd call mine "excellent"? I guess it doesn't really matter. I have decided to wait until I get my peak +7 results from this cycle, and then, if the progesterone is roughly the same, I will ask questions.

The other possibility is that I had the blood work done too late this cycle. I knew my Creighton peak day probably wasn't anywhere near the day of my ovulation. And that is especially evident now because if the day I had my blood drawn truly was peak +7, then my luteal phase was only nine days. But my luteal phase has never been that short; it is always 11 or 12 days. But, if my practitioner was correct to assume my peak day was actually two days earlier, that would mean my luteal phase was 11 days and (are you following this?) that my peak +7 draw was actually a peak +9 draw. So, that being said, is that better or worse news that my progesterone was 8.21 on peak +9? Obviously we know now that I wasn't pregnant at the time, so if we assume it had been higher and had dropped by the day of the draw (two days before my cycle ended), is that too early for it to start dropping?

Sorry if that is confusing. The fact that it is so hard to explain means I need to stop thinking about all of this. Who cares, right? It is up to God if and when I conceive. It is a waste of time for me to pretend I have anything to do with it. I know, I can take care of my health, lose weight and take my medication, but worrying about test results isn't going to change them. Worrying only hurts my chances.

Right now I am stalking the agency's website to see when our picture and birth parent letter go up. Ahhh...adoption is a post for another time. I'm still conflicted and I'm worried it isn't going to change anything. It's great that I have been able to separate the two (adoption and infertility) in my mind, but I am realizing that they are two separate things and adoption isn't going to solve the pains of infertility. But, like I said, that's a post for another time.

Now I need to go watch lots of great television (Big Love, Syracuse basketball, American Idol and Lost) with my husband. What a perfect night!

Feeling good

Thanks for all your help, you guys! Your comments made me feel a lot better. And Andnotbysight - I have to say that yours was VERY encouraging. And not that I am putting all my stock in this cycle, but it's nice to be reminded that everything doesn't have to work perfectly in order to have the desired result.

I am doing much better today. I wasn't all that bad last night, just a little worked up. I calmed down and went to bed, albeit pretty late (I watched some autopsy show until 3 a.m.!). My animals all took care of me. Sophie slept next to me all night (when I woke up, she was shoved up against me and I could barely move!) and the cats refrained from batting me in the face with their paws. That's all I can ask for!

Today I am just trusting in God, and giving all of this worry back over to him. I need to work on not taking it back from him, though! I have a tendency to do that. I am looking at the bigger picture and figure that, worst case scenario, if something else is wrong, then it is an answer to prayer that we find out about it. Seriously, if you are praying that any other problems that may be there come to light, then you better be ready when they do.

So far today, I have seen some more mucus, 10C, and it was even a little pasty, if that's possible with that much stretch. I don't know. I've been charting for nearly three years and sometimes I still feel clueless. In my heart of hearts, I believe I have already ovulated. I know that doesn't affect my peak day at all, and that you often ovulate before peak, but I'm just saying. I decided that I am going to call my doctor tomorrow or Wednesday and tell him that I am having a difficult time determining my peak day, which I need to do in order to have my blood drawn on peak +7. Hopefully he will be able to weigh in on that.

No matter when my peak day was, I am obviously having a lot of mucus this cycle (I think today is my twelfth day of it), although very little quantity each day. And, the quality has been declining each day since my temperature spike. So, that much mucus isn't normal, but I just don't know how abnormal or problematic it may be. But that's where that trust should be kicking in! There's nothing I can do about it right now, so I will not worry.

Right now I am getting ready to drop my paperwork off at our agency. It's amazing to think that we have done our part (well, we still owe hundreds of dollars for the home study, but that isn't billed until we're approved) and now we wait. Our friends have been waiting a few months longer than us and so I know we won't get picked until after they are. And since my friend has been watching the agency's website for almost a year now, and seeing how many waiting families are moved to a "placement in progress" status each month, she estimates that we could have a baby by the summer. We will see!

Lots of questions *Updated

I need your help with something, if you'd be so kind. I'm think yesterday was my peak day, but I'm not sure. Wednesday was 10KL x1 (stetches an inch or more, clear, lubricative, one time), Thursday was 10KL x1 as well, and yesterday was 8K x1 (stretched 1/2 inch, clear). It was still the same type of mucus, nothing was all that different other than it was a little less stretchy and it wasn't lubricative. So was yesterday my peak day (assuming I see nothing today)?

My temperature was still up this morning at 98.4. I had some abdominal pain the last few days, but nothing too painful. I charted slight pain on both sides, with a little more of it on the left side, if I really had to say. Nothing like the pain I had on both sides while I was taking the Tamoxifen earlier this cycle. I had pretty bad pain on days four through seven (anyone else experience that on ovulation drugs?).

I have continued to feel the weird leg sensation I usually get at the end of my cycle for the past three or four days. The only other new symptom I've experienced is enormous fatigue. Yesterday and the day before I napped from like 5 p.m. to 7 p.m., both nights. That is so unlike me! I never nap. It looks as if I ovulated on one of those days, so I guess that could be the reason. Does anyone else get really tired when they ovulate?

In other news, it looks like all of the loose ends are tied up with our home study. I just have to show the birth parent letter to a couple people for input, then everything will be ready to turn in on Monday. I can't believe it!

At first I couldn't decide which picture I wanted to use for our profile on the agency's website and I was going to post a few here for all of you to weigh in on, but I picked one today. Here's the picture we're going to use:

Would you trust your baby with these people?

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*Update: So, I just had more peak-type mucus. This time it was 10K, and it was possibly L, but my instructor once told me that if you have to question it, then it's not lubricative. I also started to have abdominal pain this evening, more in the middle than on the left or right. While it's not very bad, it is the most pain I've felt in the last few days.

So what does this mean? Today is cycle day 18, and I often ovulate this late, but I thought it'd be earlier on the medication. My temp clearly went up yesterday, and was still up today. Could this be a sign of a problem, that my temp rises that far ahead of my last day of peak-type mucus? It has never happened before.

I am so frustrated. It's just hard because my husband leaves tomorrow morning for D.C. and now we might not even be able to time it on the right days! I had a feeling this would happen - that he would be gone and we'd miss ovulation - but I brushed it aside and was positive all week. Now, the most I can hope for is that today is my last day of mucus and that we are able to get it in under the gun. Forget the count of three.

I am trying to remain calm and just give it up to God. There's nothing we can do about it. We can just do the best we can with what we are given. I guess this might be a chance for me to stay positive and to persevere when things look bleak. I am going to try to remain positive and put all my hope in the Lord.

That being said, if you have any insight, it would be greatly appreciated.

The letter *Updated

I just can't do it. I'm not entirely sure why, but my mind is a completely empty when it comes to this. I cannot, for the life of me, think of absolutely anything to say in the birthparent letter.

I've looked online. I've read blogs and websites that give tips. I've read other letters. I've prayed. I've read the tips our agency gives us. I've thought about it for nearly four months.

My husband was nice enough to write one yesterday, but because I am a control-freak, I don't want to use it. He is more of a fact person and this letter needs to be more flowery and emotional. If it were just going in our file, I'd use his letter because I don't think the letter is going to be the deciding decision in whether a birthparent picks us. Our social worker even told us most birthmothers ask them to pick for them. I'm stressing because it is going to go online and our family, friends and strangers (including the other waiting couples) will be able to read it.

As I re-read that last paragraph, it seems like I am spending way too much time caring what other people think. I don't really care, though. I just want an average letter to put up there that will blend in with the others. It doesn't have to be anything special. I just want to get it DONE. (I know, I know.. you're thinking, then use your husband's letter. I might use parts of it, but I have to re-work it and that is still overwhelming me).

What is getting me, I think, is the opening line/paragraph. So many are so hokey. I just cannot figure out how to start it. And you are probably thinking I just need to relax and do it, just say anything. That's fine.. but I can't! My mind is blank. Utterly blank.

Not surprisingly, it has crossed my mind whether this writers' block means that we're not supposed to adopt. That seems silly, but if my heart was into it, wouldn't this be at least a little bit easier?

So I am wasting another day at my computer, alternating between staring at a blank Word file and googling "birthparent letter."

I wish I didn't have to do this.

And if this letter wasn't causing me enough stress this cycle and potentially hurting my fragile hormone balance, I realized yesterday that my husband might not be around when I ovulate this month, and all because of the inauguration, which he has to cover for work (of course, right? As if I wasn't already upset enough about this inauguration, now it might affect my first Tamoxifen cycle????). 

I could scream, but I won't because I am trying to not stress about it so that I don't cause a later ovulation, thereby pretty much ensuring he will be gone for it. What a vicious cycle!

I am on cycle day 12. He will be gone the Jan. 19-21, and will be back home on the 22nd. That means he will be gone on cycle days 20-22. That sounds okay, but my peak day has been around day 18 every other month lately and so while he might be here for my peak day, he'd be gone for at least part of the count of three. I know, I know...we should be fine. I'm just nervous about the possibility that I'll ovulate late. Does anyone know if drugs like Clomid and Tamoxifen affect when you ovulate, like causing it to happen sooner or later than normal?

The good news is if this every other month thing keeps up, this month will be a cycle where I ovulate early, possibly by mid-week even, around day 15. That would be ideal. So I am probably worrying about it for no reason. 

I'm also not looking forward to him being gone. I'll be so lonely. Hopefully I will at least still be doing well emotionally.

I've also been seeing less mucus than normal, but last month I said that very same thing and the next day started a string of days where I saw wonderful mucus, so I won't go there.

I need to stop worrying and stressing; I can be my own worst enemy. I still have a positive attitude, I'm trusting in the Lord that I will get pregnant one day, and I've given up worrying about the big things. No wonder I am finding little things to stress about. I'm just filling the void that was left, apparently.

I think I'm going to go pray more about the letter.

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*Update: Well maybe it was your prayers, or maybe it was my venting on this blog, but soon after clicking "publish" on this post, the words began to flow. (Great advice, though, that several of you left in the comments about writing it in adoration! If I hadn't been able to do it tonight, I would have definitely tried that)

So, in the end, my letter is very similar to my husband's. Other than a couple lines at the beginning and end, I didn't even use his as I wrote mine. I realized they were nearly identical once I was finished. It makes sense, since it's the same life we were writing about. I think I just needed to do it myself. Maybe it was something I needed to work through. I know I feel better now that it's over, and better than had I just used his. Although it was awfully nice of him to do it. 

And since one stressful thing usually makes me stress about other things, having this letter out of the way has already made me relax about my cycle. Next, we'll edit it and show it to others for their thoughts, but the hardest part is over. What a weight lifted off my shoulders! Now we just have to find my husband's missing DMV pin number needed to access the DMV website in order to print out his driving records. They have to mail it to you, and it was sent to our old address because that is what is in the system for him, but the mail is no longer forwarded. Ahhh! We will finish this home study one way or another!!

Home visit

It's very late, but I just wanted to check in to update about the home study visit today. It went great and now we just have to turn in some remaining paperwork. Our social worker thinks if all goes well, we will be approved sometime next month.

I can't believe the home study process - what I dreaded for the last three years whenever I contemplated adoption - is over. Well, nearly over - the birthmother letter still scares me.

Of course, we cleaned more than necessary. Although, now our house is just as clean as most people's homes are on a regular basis, so it was probably a good idea anyway.

One of the big things we learned today was that we will most likely be matched with a white baby. That surprised me, because I've always been open to adopting a child of a different race. Apparently, when a baby becomes available, the agency goes to a waiting couple of that same race first, if one is available, and our social worker told us they usually are.  I guess it's a good thing that there are couples of many racial backgrounds who are waiting to adopt through our agency (the website has photographs of waiting couples, so I know this to be true). And she also said that if the birthmother wants to choose the parents (and I got the feeling that doesn't usually happen), they almost always choose a couple of their same race. 

It's not shocking information, I guess. I just didn't know that. 

Other than that, she asked us tons of questions about our discipline methods, what types of things we are willing to accept in a child (medical issues, family history, etc.) and what type of contact we would want, if any, with the birthmother. I'll post more about that in the future, but we mainly said "that's fine" to everything she asked, except when it comes to accepting a baby that is considered a legal risk. After seeing what our friends went through when they lost their beautiful little baby boy this fall, I don't feel comfortable taking a high legal-risk baby. Although we did tell her that it would be on a case-by-case basis, because there are some situations that are high risk but aren't as high a risk as our friends' situation. But, that being said, if a birthfather is in the picture and might contest, we don't want to be involved.

So that's where we are with adoption. I've got to go to bed, but I also wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your comments yesterday. And I also want to thank my husband for his amazing guest post. I am so blessed, and I am going to post much more on that in the coming days. And I guess I need to have him back more often because I'm pretty sure it is officially the most-commented-on post I've had so far! And don't think he wasn't checking it all day to see how many it was up to!

If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my house is pretty holy!

Do you know what that is, over there to the left?

It's a clean, clutter-free surface! (and this one in particular was courtesy of my wonderful husband. You should have seen a before shot!)

That's right, we cleaned today for the big home study home visit. We're not done yet, but we're almost there. All we have left are the floors, which we're waiting to do til the last minute.

Can I just say how nice it feels to have a clean house? Most of you probably only know that feeling, but I am not exactly the cleanest person. Well, that sounds bad. I like to think my person is clean, but my house, not so much. I used to think that the negatives of cleaning (the expenditure of time, energy, elbow grease) far outweighed the positives (living in a warm, comfortable environment that is neat, tidy and free of clutter which in turn makes your mind feel neat, tidy and free of clutter). Now I am rethinking that. I just might keep my house clean all the time. It even makes me like our house more and excited to be in it!

And did you know that when you pick up after yourself and take ten minutes to clean each day that you can actually maintain the cleaniness without much effort? What a novel concept! 

So...we're almost ready. I might actually post some more pictures on Monday to document the picture-perfect house (actually, it will still be far from perfect. I know too many couples who have gone through this to clean like a crazy person. The secret is out - I know they don't bring white gloves, people).

In other news, we had our monthly infertility support group meeting this morning and we had our biggest turn-out yet - there were six of us there. Each of us has a very different story, we've been going through it different lengths of time, but we all experience very similar emotions, heartache and hardships. It was a good meeting, and it made me realize I am blessed in so many ways - in particular, that both my family and my in-laws are so supportive. I guess I took that for granted, but some people really struggle with that. Really struggle. If you get a chance, please pray for our group. 

I am working on yet another apron tonight. This one is just a skirt-type apron, without a top. I'm starting to notice a trend here - I seem to be constantly doing projects and spending WAY less time in front of the t.v. Very unlike me. It makes me wonder if it has something to do with my medication and/or hormones and/or diet. Like, my energy level is finally back to normal, perhaps? I haven't thought about it in a while, but I am way less tired than I used to be and I almost never lay down on the couch (which I used to do for most of the day). Now, I can barely watch an hour program and I get restless. I guess this is a good sign! And also perhaps the reason why I've been cleaning more lately as well!

I'm still excited about finishing up our home study and getting on the waiting list. I haven't really thought about this much yet, but can you believe we'll probably adopt a baby next year? I mean, chances are pretty good that it will happen in 2009. That's pretty exciting, now that I think about it (and now that I'm okay with that concept). 

I just continue to pray that God will lead us in the right direction. Lord, help me to discern your will. Keep us on the right path, and if we make a wrong decision, gently guide us back on track. And we just ask that you bring us our babies by whatever means you have planned. Amen! 

Pictures

Well since I've talked so much about my dress debacle, I thought I'd show you what it looks like:

My sister (the bride) loves it, so we are definitely going with it. I made the sash last night, since my sister really wanted a dress with one and this didn't come with it. I was just so excited to find the perfect shade of blue (our flowers will be hydrangeas so this will work great). We're also playing around with how to wear the sash.

Oh, and I would just like to point out that I don't have a strapless bra at the moment, so the addition of one will certainly help the sagging of the top that you see in this picture.

So more happened with the great bridesmaid dress fiasco of 2008. On the third try, the dress was delivered to a wrong address (at least it was the dress, and not another article of clothing!). Finally, that dress arrived, and I'm supposed to be receiving a back-up dress today, courtesy of the company.  Not only did we get the back-up dress for free, but they also refunded the money for the dress I have on in this picture as well. So that basically means if my sister can fit into the other free dress I'll get today, we can take hers back and our bridesmaid dresses will be free! Worth the hassle, I'd say! Now go out and shop at J.Cre.w! I recommend them again!

Since it's picture time, here's a shot of our tree:

The popcorn and cranberries didn't take too long, just the better part of one day basically. And if you're wondering, our dog has sniffed the garland, but hasn't attempted to eat it yet (although we did catch her eating some pine needles last night). And the cats, while curious, have never knocked the tree over, although we typically find a stray ornament on the other side of the room every now and then.

As for me, I am doing great. We'll start really getting ready for Monday's home study home visit tomorrow. I've been keeping the house pretty clean since we scheduled the visit, so it won't be too much work.

And the good news is I still feel very positive toward adoption. I actually am excited about the possibility of having a baby this way, whereas before I kind of avoided thinking or talking about it when others brought it up. I believe it is a grace that my heart is opening more and more to it, and more than ever I believe that God may intend to give us one ore more of our children this way. Who am I to argue with that?  

I'm okay

First of all, I can't thank you enough for your amazing comments on my last post. I sat and read them and cried (in a good way). As you probably well know, when you're going through something like this, you want to be comforted, but there are only certain things someone can say. It's touchy, to say the least (as I'm sure all of our husbands can attest to!). Well, your comments were just what I wanted to hear. What a blessing that I can log onto a computer and get that kind of support. God definitely used all of you to remind me my life is full of blessings.

I feel much better. I started feeling better before I wrote that post, and yesterday we decorated for Christmas so that lifted my spirits even more. Speaking of that, I always feel torn about whether to decorate or to observe Advent. This year I came to the conclusion that I am in dire need of the joy that Christmas decorations can inject into my life. I am so depleted of joy, that whatever extra the tree and lights can give me will just bring me back to a base level! And it's not like the decorations will make me so happy that I simply won't be able to observe Advent. On the contrary. Waiting and hoping is my full-time job.

We are also lighting the Advent wreath each night and reading the daily Mass readings as well as a reflection on them.

That being said, I am about to start yet another craft project - I'm stringing up some popcorn and cranberries to make garland for the tree. I've never done my own before, but my mom does it every year and I want to carry on the tradition. I'll post some pictures when I'm finished.

I also wanted to let you all know something nice that happened on Monday. When I was going through the worst of it that day, the idea of adoption made me even more angry. I hate to admit it, but in my low moments I resent that we have to adopt. I fear that it won't fill the void in my heart, that it won't be enough. What I hate most of all, though, is that I feel this way. It just seems so unfair, and just seems like those of us who can't have children should automatically have hearts for adoption (but nothing is that easy, now is it?).

Later that evening, I guess he answered my prayer, because my heart changed. That's the only way I can explain it, like I now completely understand where the term "change of heart" came from! It clearly wasn't anything I did because I was in a foul mood and wasn't about to talk myself out of it. I sure wasn't about to convince myself that adoption is what we're called to do.

I know it was from God. And that's not to say that I won't have any doubts ever again. I'm sure between now and when we adopt a child that I will look at parents with their biological children and feel jealousy. Heck, that will probably happen later today! But I can't stress enough what a blessing it was that in the midst of that bad mood, my heart could suddenly be much more open to it.

So thank you to all of you who have adopted who have left comments and/or sent me emails. Your words help me immensely. And I hope that when I am brutally honest about my feelings and doubts about adoption, that it is not offensive to you. I'm just a girl trying to navigate the heartaches of infertility. Hopefully I'm not too weird and you may have even had some of the same feelings as I do, when you were in my shoes.

I also have some more hope, thanks to some info from Lifehopes (and her favorite doctor). I have started praying about adding Clomid or a similar drug into my treatment. My doctor already said he would do this after six to nine months, but sooner if I felt called to. What I didn't realize until last night is that it's not just some random last-ditch effort he was going to try, but actually a treatment plan with much better results than using Metformin alone. So, I'm going to pray about it this month, then ask him about it at my appointment on Dec. 29. In addition to that, I also now understand that my one day of spotting isn't a cause for concern, but rather part of a crescendo (is that right?) bleeding pattern - it starts light, increases to heavy, then returns to light. I remember reading that in my NaPro book, but had definitely forgotten about it. I can't tell you how much better that makes me feel.

Oh, and by the way, the dress saga continues. I received my second "dress" package today and it was actually a pair of women's pants. I handled it much better this time, but did send off a somewhat harsh email that I am now feeling guilty about. I asked for compensation for our troubles, but now I just feel greedy! I'm supposed to have a phone conversation with someone who handles the bridal department tomorrow, and I've decided I'm just going to cave and say all I want is assurance that the dress WILL arrive at some point. But at the same time I'm torn because my mom and I have both been inconvenienced. I just don't think that Jesus would argue with a company over their mistakes, or want something in return. So maybe I will surprise this woman, who probably usually deals with jerks. I'll let you know how it goes!

Low temp

So my temp was low when I woke up this morning - 97.8. It had been 98.3 since I ovulated.

Now, I should first point out that last month I wrote something about how I like to take my temp because then I get a warning about when my cycle is ending. Well, after I wrote it, I looked through my charts and discovered that it has actually NEVER been a warning sign. My temp has lowered the morning after a new cycle begins as far back as I could go.

So then that begs the question, what is happening?

It's only nine days past ovulation, so that would be really bad news if I get it today. My luteal phases are usually an okay length (eleven days), so this would be a little set back. It's cycle day 27, so the actual cycle wouldn't be a bad length, but that doesn't matter if the luteal phase is too short.

But I don't feel at all like I'm getting my period today. I did have a sensation in my legs on Tuesday, which I typically get every month in the week leading up to it, but I was also dehydrated and sick that day, and I also haven't felt it since. You know how you usually have some sort of feeling it's coming? Well, I have none whatsoever. The only thing I'm experiencing is I still have slight nausea on and off (the last time was last night) and my stomach is gurgly today. Another symptom I sometimes get at the end is that I feel full all day, but so far I've been hungry.

I'm also not spotting at all, which is good no matter what ends up happening.

One thing I do think might be starting, though, is a cold. My nose has been stuffy, one of my ears feels full and today my jaw is sore. Maybe a sore throat's coming on? I don't know what's up with me this week! I would have thought my healthy diet would have built up on immune system, not the other way around!

I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining. None of this bothers me, not even the low temp this morning. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. I'm okay with it right now. I'm sure I'll be sad once it's here, but we'll go out to eat and I'll get over it. Maybe I can even get some sympathy purchases out of it, like some clothes. Honey, are you reading this?

By the way, we rescheduled our homestudy visit today and it's not until Nov. 17. That's a long time from now, but I'm okay with it because it's in God's hands. I've said from the beginning that I will let God control the timeline of this adoption because I only want the baby that he wants us to have. The other part of me, though, thinks the social worker has it in her head that we can only meet on Mondays and Tuesdays (my husband's days off) and so she gave us the first Monday she had available. If that's the case, I'm wondering if I should call back and tell her we can do any morning (since he works nights), but then I go back to the thought that I'm not really motivated to make this go faster than it is. I think I'm going to leave it as is. That also gives us more time before we have to pay the next $450 installment!

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One more thing - check out who my husband interviewed last night...


It's John McCain's 96-year-old mother Roberta! Ryan doesn't usually get pictures taken with well-known people he interviews because it's considered unprofessional, but another reporter made him get in this picture (I cropped him out), and I'm so glad he did! She doesn't look a day over 80, right? And I guess she has a jam-packed campaign schedule here in the last few days. This was at like 8 o'clock last night!

By the way, speaking of my husband, check out this entry on his news blog. It's unbelievable!

A new endeavor

I've alluded to something this week and I want to be more open about it because I don't keep secrets from you. I really don't, actually. My life is an open book.

Okay, so the semi-secret I've been keeping (that you've all probably figured out by now, anyways) is this: We started the adoption process.

In the past, I've been one to really struggle with adoption. I was worried about everything - Would I love the child? Would he/she love me? Would an open adoption make me not feel like the real mother? Would I still struggle with emotions surrounding infertility and would this be unfair to the child?

Finally, last month we came to a crossroads. I prayed and prayed and prayed about it, and brought up the topic a few times to my husband. I think I wanted him to talk me into it. At least, I wanted to work through my issues with it, because I knew they weren't healthy.

So one day we were in the car on the way to adoration (I was having a hard time and wanted to pray specifically about adoption), and we started discussing it once again. I brought up my "issues" and my husband actually started to get testy with me. That's not like him. Well, don't get the wrong impression, we fight all the time! But we rarely are on different pages when it comes to our infertility struggle. He's always been on board with whatever I wanted to do, or not do. At this point, though, it was becoming clear that Ryan wanted to move forward with adoption and I was holding him back.

I suddenly realized that I was robbing him of being a father. If I could do this for him, then suddenly it cleared up my "issues" with it. I don't mean that to sound trivial, like I'm going to raise a child just to make my husband happy, despite me not wanting to do it. That's not the case at all! It's just that when I need a little shove, it helps to think that what I'm doing will make someone else happy. To do it out of love for my husband makes me more motivated and it makes my problems with it seem really silly.

I didn't tell him that that night, though. I thought about it long and hard and a few days later I told him over lunch. He was really excited. We talked about some of my as-of-yet-still-unspoken worries about it ('would our families love the baby as much as their biological grandchildren/nieces/nephews' really weighed on me for some reason, not that our families aren't made up of completely loving people. They are. It was more a reflection of my own insecurities and was just one of those things I needed to voice and talk about).

We went home and finished the initial paperwork, dropped it off at the agency with a check for $100, and waited. Finally, we got a letter in the mail asking for our marriage license, which I copied and mailed immediately (I don't usually move that fast, but I'm going to stay on top of this!). Next, we got a letter from our social worker telling us to call to set up our first home study appointment. We did, and it is scheduled for next Tuesday morning.

I've heard/read a lot lately from other bloggers about how they'd like to adopt, but they have found the process to be too difficult and/or expensive. I truly can say that's not the case for us, which I'm starting to think is maybe a sign this is God's plan.

The agency we are going through charges 10% of your salary. That's pretty reasonable (especially for us, since I don't have a salary!). From listening to my friend who just used the same agency, the process is pretty easy and doesn't require a ton of paperwork and running all over putting documents together (which is how I used to picture it, and is also how I've heard international can be in some cases). From start to finish, our friends' process took only about six months.

We hope to complete the home study process (two visits to the office, one to our house) by the end of the year. That's just our hope, but we'll probably find out if that's realistic at our first appointment. After that, who knows how long we'll wait.

As for the child, we will most likely get a newborn, since that is how this agency works. While that is exciting, I'm kind of nervous about it, since watching our friends' heartbreaking experience with their adoption. Perhaps we can say we don't want a high-risk adoption (for example, if there is any chance the birthfather will object).

We are also open to any race. Instead of narrowing it down, we just personally feel called to keep it open and let God decide for us. In all my indecision, that feeling has been pretty constant.

The reason I was hesitant to post about this at first was because I was afraid I'd change my mind. I've started and stopped the adoption process about four times (although we've never gotten this far) and I just didn't want to 'cry wolf' again. And I didn't want to feel pressure to continue on with it if I wasn't sure. I could totally see myself moving forward, despite hesitation, simply because our families and my blogging friends knew. Put it this way - I'd never be the girl to call off an engagement.

So I'm telling you now because I am sure. We are doing this.

I've thought a lot about it in the past month, and I no longer feel that adoption means we're giving up. What adoption means to us is that we want to be parents now. I don't mean that to sound impatient; we are constantly praying that God make this process move as fast or as slow as he wills. We want our baby, and we will wait as long as it takes for that.

Yesterday's appointment solidified this. We are still actively involved in fighting infertility and getting me healthy. Thankfully, our agency doesn't require us to stop fertility treatments in order to adopt (which is a topic I could go on and on about. I think that sort of policy is silly, demeaning and discriminating to couples dealing with infertility. Not to mention, I'd have to treat my PCOS even if I didn't want any kids!)

Let me know if you want any specific information about what agency we are working with or any of the details of the process.

The focus of this blog will still be to chronicle my struggle with infertility, with adoption being a part of that. I hope this doesn't sound bad, but I still very much want to conceive a biological child. I am just someone who is trying to follow God's will, and things have recently lead me to believe adoption may be God's will for us. If not, I pray he will make it known to us or perhaps we'll hit roadblocks along the way. The important thing is that we trust in him. He, alone, is in charge of shaping our family and we wouldn't want it any other way!

*********************

I also just wanted to say thank you, thank you, thank you for caring about my appointment yesterday and for sharing in my excitement!

I also wanted to reiterated something I wrote yesterday, and something a few people commented on as well - that while my journey may not seem like the quickest path to a pregnancy, it is a truly healthy one. I am, with diet and the help of medication, changing my hormones and fixing my PCOS from the inside out. I commend anyone who is considering changing their diet to increase their fertility. It is just amazing how much diet affects our hormones, and it is a way to have some sense of control over something that we really have no control over. It's a way to feel like we are helping.

With that in mind, I have a new link on the right-hand side of my blog where I've posted all of my Low G.I. recipes and some diet advice (or you can also click here). So that I didn't have a super-long new post today, I back-dated it to Oct. 1. Please check back as well, because I will add new recipes when I get them.

Have a great night!

A unexpected blessing

We're we're getting ready to leave for my appointment, but I just wanted to share a neat story with you before I go.

So yesterday I attended a Li.fe Cha.in event here in Richmond. It's a pro-life event held around the country. I was shooting video of the event and not surprisingly, I believe God took an opportunity to speak to my heart. It's amazing how often this happens when I am behind my camera doing an interview! It's really bizarre.

Someone had mentioned to me that I should interview an older gentleman who had been coming for years, so I did. So I'm asking him why he comes out and strangely enough, his answers are sounding very interesting. See if you can tell what I'm getting at:




He went on to say how it would be sad for someone to never be a mother. So I'm thinking, of all the things he could say about being pro-life, this man is looking at it from the perspective of... someone with infertility! But it just couldn't be, right? I figured it must just be me looking at everything through the lens of my infertility-obsessed world again.

So then he says this:

Can you believe it? This 79-year-old man, at a pro-life rally, on a Sunday afternoon, manages to help put adoption on my heart (I should add that adoption is becoming very likely at this point. More on that in a future post). Hearing him say this was astounding (and if you listen closely, you can even hear me say "awwwww" at one point. I was tearing up). I got a chance to speak to his wife after the interview and she told me that they tried for four years before adopting. They also told me that I will love my adopted child more than I could ever imagine, and they even joked that sometimes they think they love their adopted children more than their biological one! (He said the biological son shares some of his "bad traits").

It's not even the miracle they ended up getting that gives me hope. It's the fact that I think God wanted me to hear this, combined with the thought that this man was a kindred spirit in the world of infertility. He talked about what his wife went through, the physical pain of getting shots, and the emotional pain we all know too well. It struck me to think of them, probably fifty years ago, going through what we are all experiencing, but with drastically fewer options. I would never have known this if I had just passed them on the street. It really makes you realize that people everywhere are walking around with the pains of infertility on their hearts, and we don't even know it.

This couple - fifty years later - is able to look back on their infertility with praise and gratitude for their three children. Their oldest just passed away this summer, and in the few short minutes we spoke, they told me all about him - his successful career, his accomplishments, his perseverance through previous health problems, and what a blessing it was to have him for as long as they did. And it was just so clear that they couldn't have been prouder, even if he had been their biological son.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I really feel touched by God in these unexpected moments. So thank you, God, for giving me this little reminder that things can be okay!

Weird news and bad news

Today is cycle day 20. This morning when I woke up I had some spotting. Okay, stop reading if you don't want a description of it. Still here? Well, this time it was pink, with a little tiny bit of brown mucus. That was it and I haven't seen it since.

So now I've had spotting one time on day 15 and spotting one time (so far) on day 20. I am about seven or eight days past when I think I may have ovulated. What could this mean? Would an infection cause intermittent spotting throughout the middle of a cycle? I usually have it at the end and at the end of my period, but never now. I guess there's a chance this is just the precursor to my period and maybe it will come any time now. But that would still be super early. Like I said before, the earliest I've ever gotten my period was like day 26, and that was very early for me. Why do my cycles keep getting weirder and weirder? I was hoping for more normalcy, but I trust that this is part of God's plan. I can't help but think maybe if some new symptom rears its head, it will allow us to have it treated, and ultimately be a good thing.

****

Now the bad news. My friends who adopted will lose their baby tomorrow. This is just worst-case scenario and I am sure they are distraught. My heart breaks for them. It just makes me want to scream "Why, Lord?" This, combined with standing outside the abortion clinic this morning and watching girls go in (I was able to mutter, "We're praying for you" to a couple of them), just makes me tempted lose faith in this world. Why do such horrible things like this happen? Why does God allow it? Why does God intervene in some scenarios, but not others? I know, I know, God has a plan for my friends and this is part of it, as difficult as it is. And as for those who have abortions, God is able to work miracles in some cases, but perhaps in the others the women choose to reject him. That's the only thing I can come up with - that there is evil in this world and we have a choice to bring it into our lives or reject it. Or, we may not choose it at all, but others do, and it effects us. Evil is out there and until we meet God our Father in heaven, it will be a reality we have to deal with. May God give us strength to live in this fallen world!

Thank you all so much for your prayers for my friends. If possible, remember them today and also tomorrow, when they will have to give their precious baby back. May God heal them and hold them close to him.

I do have some good news, though. This morning a woman entered the clinic only to leave a little while later. Before she drove off, she pulled her car over to the volunteers for 40 Days for Life who were there at the time and rolled down her window. She told them she had changed her mind and wasn't going to have an abortion and thanked them. Amazing! God is so good and we rejoice in this news!

Unrelated stuff I needed to post about

• Friends of ours need your prayers. I posted about them a while back. Their ordeal is not yet over, and their hope dwindled dramatically a couple days ago. Without going too much into detail, it involves an adoption and possibly losing the baby. They need a miracle at this point. PLEASE keep them in your prayers, that God's will may be done and that He may hold them close to Him if things do not go in their favor. My friend is so strong and so faithful, and I just hope that she continues to see God in all of this if the worse does happen. It just makes me so upset that someone would have to go through infertility, then have this happen. It just doesn't seem right, but my friend is convinced it is still part of God's plan for her, no matter what happens. She is an inspiration to me. Thank you for any prayers you can offer for them.




• We had our infertility support group meeting yesterday and it was great! Two women came (plus me and my friend L), and it was really a chance to minister to others going through this struggle of infertility. Speaking with them also reminded me how blessed I am that I discovered the PPVI. There are so many women out there who are treated by a local ob/gyn, RE, or fertility specialist and are not getting the care they need and deserve. Not that all these doctors are bad, but I've just heard so many stories (and experienced it myself as well) of doctors doing the wrong tests, looking for the wrong things, or not looking for anything at all. Some women give up all hope of conceiving, or move on to ARTs, when there are actually things left to try! Not to mention sometimes the underlying disease needs to be treated whether you want to have children or not. If only NaProTechnology could be more widely known. It will be one day, God willing!



• The Mets season is over. We are in mourning here.




• The Bills are 4-0! Woo hoo! (But to show how upset we are about the Mets, the Mets' loss is determining our mood more than the Bills' win)




• Right now my cat is laying on me like a baby. He has to have his arms around me whenever he is laying on me (and he is ALWAYS laying on me). Putting his head on me isn't enough, he has to hold me with his little cat arm just like a human would. This often annoys me, but then I remember how friggin cute it is! (Okay, sorry, that was not one of my pre-determined bullet points!)



• I lose another pound. I'm up to 31.6 lost, 3.4 more to go. It took me over three weeks to lose this pound, mind you.




• Tonight while praying at the abortion clinic, I met a really pretty young woman who was also praying the same shift. We got talking at the end and somehow I ended up telling her that I was infertile (I swear I don't try to do this! The questions always lead me there and I don't hide it). It turns out she was adopted and talked to me all about adoption and her awesome experience with it. I, of course, think the Holy Spirit was involved in us talking for sure. I needed to hear from an adopted child that she loves her parents as if they were biologically related.

• I finally won an ebay auction for an Infant of Prague statue. In the past month I've lost a few auctions, found out one I ordered online was out of stock, and have just had the hardest time finding a statue. Everything kept going wrong! After statues I was bidding on and watching started going for over $200 I got nervous I'd never find one, but I won one tonight for only $40. And it's just like the ones that went for much more, and in great shape as far as I can tell. He's beautiful. I can't wait to have my Infant of Prague here to pray in front of! Now when the novena refers to Him, I will have something to gaze upon. I'll have to post pictures once it arrives.

Again, thanks so much for your prayers for my friends. Have a great Monday!

Cycle update and whatever else is on my mind

I haven't been feeling too well lately. As I tried to fall asleep last night I had horrible stomach cramps. I thought for sure a stomach bug was coming on. I was convinced I'd be throwing up all night, it was that bad. But I never did. I woke up with some more cramping, but not as bad.

The thing that worries me is that nearly every morning I wake up with cramping. I'm worried it's the endometriosis coming back. And that's not me being a pessimist, because I sincerely haven't been looking for it and never thought it would come back. I'm just not sure what else could be wrong. If I had to guess where it is, I'd say on my intestines because the pain is lower-GI pain. When I had my two surgeries, Dr. H never detected any there, which surprised me because my pain just felt like it was coming from there.

Well, anyways, I have felt slightly nauseous all day today. It could be that the end of my cycle is nearing. I am on day 28, I think, and lately near the end of my cycles I, at worst, get nauseous and, at best, don't have an appetite. So it could be that. That being said, is nausea at the end of a cycle normal? Is it a sign of something? I'll have to add it to the list of questions for my doctor.

Speaking of this cycle, it has been pretty normal, which is good! I am currently nine days post-peak. I had severals days of good mucus lasting until mid-cycle, my temperature went up on my peak day, and then I had several non-mucus days while my temp stayed up. A couple interesting things to note, though. First, on the third day after my peak day, my temp dropped dramatically. It went from 98.2 to 96.8, which is way lower than my pre-peak temps which normally hover around 97.7. Nothing was out of the ordinary that morning and I did not take it earlier than normal. The very next day it went back up to 98.2 and stayed at that level until this morning, when it went up to 98.5. Also, yesterday I saw a very, very small amount of spotting, but it is gone today. That's not uncommon, as I will often have spotting every other day at the end of a cycle. Hopefully my dr. will give me something for low progesterone at my next visit, or whatever they give you to treat that problem (antibiotics?).

I've also been thinking about adoption lately. I got really upset last night, asking why God would want me to not only suffer infertility, but apparently doesn't want us to adopt right now either. I'm really praying hard that God can put it on my heart. But, in the end, if I am opening myself up to God's will, praying for it, and do not feel like that is where He is leading me, then I have to respect that. Just because something is "good" and "honorable" doesn't mean He wants that for us; if that were the case then he'd have answered my prayers with a pregnancy by now! So while it may appear that it's my problem that I'm not coming around to the idea of adoption, that would be taking God out of the equation.

But adoption differs from infertility in that it is within our control to just do it, and that somewhat complicates things. If I wanted to, I could walk into an adoption agency today, get the paper work, and start the process. And would God be upset with us for that? Most people would say no. So am I silly to just wait around for a sign from the heavens? How do I know if I am interpreting His will for me correctly? Am I letting my own hesitations and selfish desires for a biological child get in the way of discerning what God's will for me is? My husband is ready to adopt today and in a way, I am robbing him of being a parent by putting this off. God is apparently putting it on his heart to adopt, so should that supersede the absence of a clear feeling on my part? It's so confusing!

With all that in mind, we went to adoration last night. I didn't walk out with any clearer picture, but hopefully God will continue to help us come to a decision. I have just felt an overwhelming feeling for a couple years now that we are supposed to wait. And I'd like to think we're supposed to wait because I'll be pregnant soon, but I also know we might be waiting because the child we are supposed to adopt has not yet been conceived. I'm just going to continue to trust God and keep an open mind and heart. That's all I can do!

In other news, I'm going to a McCain/Palin rally tomorrow! I'm so excited. I'll get to see Sarah Palin in person and my primary goal is to get her to take a picture with my friend's baby. Last time I went to one of these things, I shook McCain's hand, so it's not out of the question I'd get up close. I tend to find a way to do that in situations like this. But this time there will be way more people there. They've already had to move the event because of the overwhelming response for tickets, so it's going to be packed. Check back tomorrow evening for pictures!!

The water park and depression (not at the same time)

I am exhausted. We went to the water park today and it was a lot of fun, except I got sick in the wave pool. Well, I didn't actually throw up in the wave pool, that would have been gross, but I felt very sick from all the waves and bobbing up and down, and had to get the heck outta there. And I totally didn't expect it at all. At first, though, I was out there without a life jacket on and I couldn't believe how hard it was! I was treading water trying to stay afloat as the waves were crashing into me, I was swallowing water and I was getting so tired! Oh my goodness. I later joked with my husband that my arms were so tired that I was very close to just giving up and going under. He's like, imagine me having to tell everyone my wife lost her will to live in the wave pool! Of course I was totally kidding, but I do now know that if I was somehow stranded in the middle of the ocean I wouldn't survive. I don't nearly have enough strength and/or stamina. This didn't really come as a surprise to me, but now it's confirmed.

In other news, I've been kinda depressed lately. This past weekend was bad. I don't know what else to say about it, other than I felt like crying a lot and was just really down. Church was hard. Basically anywhere women and children were was hard, and that's basically everywhere. I don't know if it will ever get any easier, but I just have to hold onto the hope that it will. Right now I'm not interested in adoption and I think that's making it even harder because that means if I can't get pregnant I will never have kids. But at the same time, I hate the idea of adoption being "Plan B" anyways. It deserves better than that.

As for why I'm not into adoption right now, I'm not sure. It's several reasons, I guess. I just don't feel led to it at all at the moment. (And let me also just say that if I give any of my reasons, please know that this isn't an indictment on others who have adopted. They are just things that have come up as I struggle with whether to adopt and definitely not things I think about other adoptive families, just when it comes to my husband and I. I'm trying to sort it all out.) That being said, I also sometimes feel like if I adopt, it will be for selfish reasons and not because it's best for the baby. Is that weird? If I don't adopt, it's not like the baby we would have gotten will be without a family. I guess the only way to avoid that would be to adopt an older child in foster care or in an orphanage through international adoption. But that doesn't seem right for us either. I'm also worried that my adopted child will grow up to have an identity crisis and resent me. I know, that's thinking way ahead. I don't know! I'm so confused! The bottom line is I don't feel like it's an option for us at the moment and that is making not getting pregnant even harder.

Ugh! I'm so frustrated, and I'm scared that this medication isn't going to work. REALLY scared. I know I need to relax. I need to be patient. I need to trust God. It's just so much easier said than done.

Alright I'm SUPER tired so I'm rambling. My brain is fried from all the sun and water.

Prayers for a follicle... and some good news!

Last night I proclaimed to my husband that I think I might be ovulating. Women's intuition, perhaps? I don't know, but I've never really thought that before. The reasons I think I might be ovulating are as follows:

- I am bloated. Not only did I begin to notice it last night, but this morning I had gained one pound. That might not sound like a big deal, but since starting my diet I know exactly how much I weigh from day to day and there's no reason that I should have gone up a pound. And don't some people experience bloating around ovulation? Not being an ovulator, I'm not sure but I think I read that somewhere.

- I have some pain on my left side. I've always heard people talk about having back pain around ovulation but I never experienced it myself until yesterday and today. It is strictly on my left side, and I also have some pain on the left front as well. I know this could still happen even if I don't release a follicle, but some months I don't feel a thing so I'll take this as a good sign that something is happening.

- I've had four days of peak-type mucus. Now, this isn't unusual for me. I always have good mucus, and I know better than anyone that mucus doesn't mean that I'm ovulating. But for normal people it is a sign of ovulation so I'm glad it's there.

- My bbt seems to be doing some of the right things. For the first week of my cycle it was pretty steady at 97.9. Then it dropped to 97.0 three days ago, which coincided with my second day of peak-type mucus. It stayed at 97.0 until this morning when it rose to 97.7. I'm not sure that's a good sign, though, because if that was the big spike it probably should have gone up more. I don't know. Hopefully it will go up more tomorrow.

With me, it's just so hard because my body begins the process of ovulating each month, but the ovary just can't get that follicle out (which is why I can have positive OPK's yet not ovulate). I actually read today that if you don't ovulate, you don't actually get a real period, and if you do get something that resembles one that it is just mimicking it. Isn't that weird? It kind of scares me to think that I don't even get a real period. That kind of makes me think my body is more screwed up than I previously thought. But I'm not going to worry about that.

So we will see. I'm just really hoping that between my diet and my supposedly normal prolactin, that a follicle might just squeeze itself out this month. Maybe I need to try some visualization techniques. Just kidding, I'll stick to good old prayer. Speaking of which, if you wouldn't mind, could you maybe say a quick prayer that my follicle finds its way out this month and doesn't shrivel up and die?

By the way, speaking of prayer, I have some great news!! Our friends who met with a birthmother the other day were chosen! Yay! I can't believe it. Well, I can, but I can't believe how quickly you can go from the world of infertility into the world of motherhood. This friend is also dealing with infertility, and in her case she has known about it since she was a teenager. She is a real committed Catholic, so IVF was not an option for her (although it is often the only hope for people in her situation, so it's even more amazing she has resisted it). It's such a huge blessing! And they are going to be wonderful parents. This little baby hit the family lottery! It also made me think today how adoption isn't the consolation prize I once thought it was. Sure, there might be some things I'll never experience if I can't get pregnant, like getting that positive pregnancy test, the experience of carrying a child in my womb, or giving birth. But adoption has its own joys that are unique to it, like getting the call from your agency telling you you've been chosen, the excitement of knowing you're world is going to change in a matter of weeks or even days, and the thrill of stocking an entire nursery in a few shopping sprees. Those are things that couples who never adopt will never know. I told my friend the other day before her meeting with the birthmother that I just knew if she got this baby that I would probably send my application papers in right away. I think I just need a first-hand experience with adoption in order to warm up to the idea. Well, anyways, thank you SO MUCH for your prayers!

Prayers needed

If you get a chance, friends of ours are in need of your prayers. They are a wonderful, faithful, young couple who are waiting to adopt. Well, they got a call - the call - from their agency the other day telling them there is a birth mother who wants a Catholic couple to adopt her baby (isn't that great?!) and she wants to meet with them this week. It's a perfect scenario and everything they've been told about her sounds fantastic. Like, dream birth mother. But.... the catch is the mother is meeting with one other couple as well. Seriously, our friends are like the perfect couple and I sure wouldn't want to go head to head with them! But still, it's got to be difficult for them right now because they want to be excited, but at the same time can't get too excited or else they'll be crushed if this doesn't end up being their baby. If they are chosen, they could be parents by next weekend. That's right, the birth mother is due next weekend. So please say a quick prayer that everything goes according to God's plan and that the baby is placed with the parents who are supposed to raise him (and if it's not my friends, that they don't suffer too much with it!). Thy will be done, Lord!

***

So I had a crazy day. Right after my husband left to play in a softball game this morning, I noticed a bee coming from the fireplace. Okay, no big deal. It headed to the window so I removed the screen and let it out. Then I noticed another one, and another. So I went over to the fireplace and there it was - a collective buzzing of many, many bees, growing louder by the second. Immediately one image came to mind - hundreds, if not thousands of bees, completely covering my body. You know what I'm talking about. I was suddenly in a race against the clock. I quickly got some big garbage bags and tried to tape them over the fireplace opening, which wasn't really working because all I had was scotch tape. So as I'm fumbling around, the buzzing is growing louder and louder. It was like a horror movie! Eventually, I gave up and quickly put our cats in our bedroom (and even put towels underneath the door.. I pictured an enormous swarm of bees, okay?) and grabbed Sophie, my purse, and got the heck out of there. The only problem was my husband wasn't answering his phone and I had no idea where he was playing softball (you didn't expect me to take care of a problem having to do with bugs on my own, did you?). After a few calls, I got directions to his game and once there, I started screaming his name as he was taking the field. He probably thought someone died. As he came over to me I was crying and babbling something about bees. So we head back home and I'm thinking I'm going to have to find a hotel room for the rest of the day because, let's be honest, I wasn't going in that house. Well, long story short (I know, it's too late), he sprayed something to kill all the bees (dozens.. or, to be honest, maybe a dozen.. had gotten into the house) and we taped up the fireplace with good tape so it is now secure. No bee bomb, no hotel stay, crisis avoided. We'll probably have to call a bee exterminator in the morning. Here's hoping they're reasonably priced.

In other news, yesterday was cycle day 11 and I still saw some spotting, yet also with mucus. I've never had that happen before, especially this late. I've read about the various causes/treatments for spotting on other blogs, but I've never talked about this with my doctor (which is not surprising since I've only had one appointment with him). Add that to the list for my next appointment!

Adoption worries

Sorry if I sound like a broken record lately, but I am still confused about whether or not we should start the adoption process. For the most part, I still don't feel as if God has completely placed adoption on my heart. I've had some moments where I thought maybe He was trying to tell me something. I've come across adoption blogs that have made me think. And last night, while praying, I thought about how adoption may be a real and tangible way for me to truly help out the pro-life movement - that by adopting I would be playing a real role in helping a woman who chose life instead of abortion. I've also been reminded lately of Scripture passages that deal with adoption, the fact that God calls us to care for orphans, and that we are all God's adopted children - all things that make me think that maybe it's not as much about me as I have been making it. Maybe it's about helping others and what I am called to do, and not whether I am completely comfortable with it, whether I am a big enough person to not be jealous of the birth mom (is that normal? because I think I would be), or if I would still feel sorry for myself that I can't get pregnant. God didn't say 'Care for the little children as if you were caring for me, accept if you have too many issues. Then just forget it.'

I don't know. I also know not everyone is called to adopt, and if I think I'll have hang-ups about it, then maybe I'm not a good candidate. Not to mention that if I am asking God to place this on my heart if it is His will, there's a chance that it's not His will. I'm waiting for a sign from Him and when one hasn't come I keep thinking I just missed it, but there is a chance He is trying to tell me not to do it right now.

I've been trying to read adoption blogs lately and I thought they would really help get me use to the idea, but they've actually done the opposite. I read them and I am so happy for the couples, but then it just makes me start thinking about all of my issues with it. Let me just say that what I'm about to say is not meant to offend anyone considering adoption, in the process of adoption, who has adopted, or is adopted. I just have some hang-ups that are my problems, and I want to voice them in order to show myself how crazy they are. So here are my worries: I am afraid that if I adopt I'll feel like a phony. I think I would still be so wrapped up in dealing with infertility that I would feel less-than. I would feel like I didn't deserve this child because I didn't carry it for nine months like "real" mothers. I would feel like I couldn't take credit for the child, or take pride in the child if he/she did something good or cute, because it isn't really mine. I'm afraid that the baby wouldn't have any kind of love or connection to me because I didn't carry it. I'm afraid I wouldn't feel like I was getting that true experience of being a mother, because I would have just gotten a call a few weeks before the baby's birth. I couldn't possibly have all those intuitions a new mother has, because I am just an infertile girl who happens to have gotten someone else's baby. I also have this vision that I would feel like people weren't really happy for me, that deep down they'd feel sorry for me. Aw, they had to adopt. How sad. That's crazy, I know!

But... at the same time, I have no qualms about raising an adopted child once they are no longer a baby. At that point I believe the child would be a product of our parenting, that we could take pride in him/her, that I would be confident that he/she loved me because I would be all he/she knew, and that I would be a 'real' parent at that point (which I would have earned through sleepless nights and all that). I also, though, have worries about how an older child would handle being adopted once they truly understand what it is. And the idea of them looking for their birth parents would scare the heck out of me. I know these feelings are due to my insecurities.

Does any of this make sense? I'm not sure it does. I just wanted to get it all out because usually my fears and worries don't seem as big once I write/type them out. And again, I don't think these things are facts, they are just my worries I need to sort through. They are just more examples of how infertility has messed with my mind. Plus, no one close to me is adopted or has adopted, so I've never been close to it before.

The reason I'm thinking about all of this today in particular is that we have our adoption meeting tomorrow with one of the agencies we are considering. This is the agency that a friend of mine is using and highly recommends. This has also been on my mind today because I got an email response from Catholic Charities. As I posted about the other day, they had emailed in February saying that because we are open to adopting an African-American or bi-racial baby, that we can start the homestudy process now (normally it's a year-and-a-half or more wait). We had missed the email, only to find it over the weekend. Well, they responded that it's not too late and we can set up a meeting to start the process. So we are dangerously close to starting the process with one of these two agencies.. and I'm not even sure we're supposed to!

Ugh!!!! I just don't know if I've adequately dealt with all of this infertility stuff yet. But, then again, will I ever fully deal with it? If I wait for that day, we might be childless forever. And no matter what, we know we want a big family. I'm 31, after all. It's not like I'm 25. But then is the fact that I'm 31 a reason to jump into adoption? Is just wanting a child reason enough? If I knew today that I would never have a biological child would I start the adoption process? The answer to that is yes. Absolutely.

This situation is in serious need of more prayer.

To start or not to start

Last night there was an adoption orientation meeting at the agency that we are most likely going to use. They hold them once a month on Thursday nights, but since my husband works nights we'll never be able to attend it together. I've been to meetings like this alone before, but I just really wanted him to be there. So today he emailed to see if we could come in during the day and they immediately responded that we can come next Thursday. We were excited and glad they responded so quickly.

Then... tonight I decided to check an email account that we rarely use. We actually set it up as a joke, because we saw that so many couples had joint emails that combined their names (no offense if you do, it's just that we each separately have so many accounts that it was funny to think that we'd have just one together). So apparently (and for some unknown reason) we put that email on our adoption application to Catholic Charities (the agency that friends of ours have been on the waiting list at for a year and a half), because there was an email from them in the inbox. It said they were starting the homestudy process for couples open to adopting an african american or bi-racial baby, and since we had put on our application that we were interested in that, they wanted to know if we would like to start the homestudy process. And the date of the email?? FEBRUARY 13th!

I emailed them back, even though we aren't completely sure they're the agency we want to use, asking if it was too late. I just keep wondering, what does this mean? Were we not supposed to see that email when it was first mailed? And if so, is that because we're not supposed to use them? Is our child waiting for us with the other agency? Then I wonder, maybe I'm looking too far into this. I'm just so stuck on the idea that God has a plan for us, and I know He does, but am I too hyper-focused on it when it comes to adoption?

So we'll wait to hear back from Catholic Charities, and we'll look forward to meeting with the other on Thursday. I'm still not sure about all of this, but I just want children so badly. Is that wrong? Is there a point at which I'll know I'm officially ready to adopt, and perhaps I'm not there yet? It's not like we haven't thought about it a lot. I've wanted to adopt since I was a child. And since all this started with infertility, we've attended four adoption seminars, seriously considered a fifth program, and that doesn't even count the two agencies here in Virginia. But instead of showing how much thought we've given it, perhaps the fact that we've looked into so many agencies shows we're not sure about it. Even as I write this, I don't feel like adoption is really ahead of us, but then again, that is probably a normal feeling even if it is meant to be. I just believe that God knows who our first child will be, and I don't want to do anything that is not part of His plan. I don't know. My heart tells me to attend the meeting next Thursday, and to keep praying about it. I just pray that God shows me what to do.